Leaked Transcript of President Obama Spy Conversations

The Russian state news outlet, FoskiNews has obtained a transcript of conversations they claim reveal evidence of the spying conducted by former President Barack Obama.  The transcript is from the phone records within the White House:-

Transcript dated 4^th July 2016

President Obama : Mary [White House switchboard assistant] can you please get me Quentin Billingsworth-Smythe at Government Communications Headquarters in the United Kingdom

Mary : Yes Mr President connecting you now - they are on line zero-zero-seven

GCHQ: Ahoy, this is Quentin Billingsworth-Smythe, certainly listening to this phone call, but not any others of course.

Obama : Hey Q, I believe there is a brown girl in the ring?

GCHQ : Indeed, and a brown boy in the oval?

Obama : Trying to shoot some hoops.

GCHQ : Ah, it is you Agent double-O-bama, how are you, how is it going in the rebel colony?

Obama : All good old chap, I could do with a favour though.

GCHQ : Of course, we have been very pleased with your efforts.

Obama : Well my deep cover is coming to an end, I only have 6 months left in this President role, I need to keep tabs on who takes over after me.

GCHQ : We are pretty comfortable here, we have good relations with the Clinton campaign going back to the, hopefully first, President Clinton.

Obama : I’m thinking about Trump.

GCHQ : Really?  He’s the comedy candidate isn’t he, a bit like our Screaming Lord Such?  He’s not got a chance, you’ve heard what he has been saying about all the taboo subjects, immigrants, women, disabled people, no fool would vote for him.

Obama : Since I’ve been in America I have learned there are many fools.

GCHQ : Really?  What help do you need from the mother country?

Obama : Well I was thinking of a bit of “wire tapping”.  Obviously not just listening to phones but a bit of general surveillance.

GCHQ : OK, well we can get you the listening devices dropped by drone to the usual place, you’ve still got your underwater car haven’t you?

Obama : Best way to beat the traffic on the I95

GCHQ : Yes, whatever that is.  Anything else?

Obama : I plan to abseil down the west face of Trump tower, can you supply a silent black helicopter.

GCHQ : As always.

Obama : And can I keep it for the weekend?  I plan to take Michelle to the Bulls' game afterwards.

GCHQ : Of course, we’ll take care of his CCTV for you, he’s running Windows 95.  We may as well hack his AOL account while we are at it. Anything else?

Obama : Well, next year after I leave office, I was thinking about where I am going to live.

GCHQ : You need some help finding a place back in Kenya?

Obama : Not yet, I need to let the dust settle before I go back.  No, I was wondering if you could help me renovate my old lair in Hawaii, I think some of the walkways around the volcano will need replacing, and the helipad needs to be resurfaced.  Also, the roof of the mosque needs work.  

GCHQ : Can’t you just move into our base in George Washington’s head in Mount Rushmore?

Obama : Rushmore? Oh Allah no.  I couldn’t move in there, the neighbours are awful.  Jimmy Carter is always firing off his death rays from Lincoln’s eyes.

Transcript ends.

Unpleasant, self-serving people revealed to be self-serving and unpleasant.

After months of campaigning, where each side accused each other of spreading fear, the UK EU referendum produced a surprise result, that the side which was promoting hatred and division, blaming ills on minorities in society along with obviously misleading statistics has been revealed to be composed of unpleasant people purely out for their own ends.

“This has been a complete shock to me, I never expected people who were transparently only in it for their own careers to be self-serving,” said one disillusioned Briton. “And, the guys blaming everything on the immigrants it turns out they are quite unpleasant people.”

One of the leading self-servers, Boris Johnson, defended his behaviour during the campaign, whilst making a speech to ensure everyone understood he could be a bit prime ministerial.

“Look, gosh, no I won’t say that, let me start again. And notice the low, deliberate tone of my speech, very much like Churchill. So, let’s start again,” he said wondering whether or not to grasp his lapels. “Now, it not a time for recrimination. I have campaigned all along to make sure that I will be Prime Minister, erm that Britain should leave the EU. Despite being pretty consistent that there was no need for a referendum, and that leaving the EU would cause uncertainty in business, tying up the government for years and not solve any of the country’s problems, I realised that staying in would not solve my problem, of being able to stick on one Gideon Osbourne and thus become PM. Cripes, I mean, Oh yes.”

Another unpleasant man backed Mr Johnson stating that the EU referendum was about more than mere facts, or a desire to improve things.

“No, now let’s be clear, I was a key part of one of a government that has cut more from services that the poorest people depend on, at no point was I ever going to invest more money in the NHS, even now that I can return to the cabinet since I am on the winning Leave side.” said Ian Duncan Smith from his underground lair. “So to be clear, if we don’t give £350m per week to the EU, which we don’t, then we can spend that on the NHS, which we won’t. I can’t be clearer than that, I never said we would spend £350m per week on the NHS. So, there, let’s get on with spending £350m per week on the NHS. Which we won’t.”

One of the other key unpleasant men has also achieved his own personal aims which involved a desire to experience time travel.

“Whether it be education, or justice, in whatever role I had in government, my solution to every problem has been to simply try to do what we used to do many years ago,” said the former, current actor. “And I want to go further. When everyone pointed out that my solution to improving GCSE standards was simply to introduce O-Levels, I went further, and suggested that parents teach the classes, just like they probably did in the middle ages. I don’t know O-level history was very hard when I was at school,” said Gove as he was being stroked by Ian Duncan Smith. “Oh, that’s lovely. And, further now I get to turn back clock to when I was born, and Britain wasn’t in the EU. With luck we can recreate having to go to the IMF for a loan.”

However it would be unfair to say that the Leave campaign was only composed of unpleasant men. There are unpleasant women too.

“I think it’s ridiculous that people think I am ridiculous for saying that it’s not the Leave campaign that should have a plan for leaving the EU, clearly we can leave that to the Prime Minster who campaigned to stay,” said Julia Hartley-Brewer an MP and someone who makes the law of the land, no seriously. “I am just here to make noise, not to actually do anything. So you can’t hold me responsible for carrying out the things I have said should be done. That is man’s work. I think. I’ll obviously have to ask Boris to make sure.”

EU referendum campaigners warn of more attacks by Godzilla

As the country nears the crucial EU referendum more and more detail is being revealed about the impacts and perils of leaving, or remaining part of, the European Union.  With just a few weeks to go, the arguments are increasingly becoming technical, sifting carefully through mountains of economic and social data to tease quanta of vital information and illuminate of the intricacies of a decision that will affect all, or no one, in our everyday lives.

“It’s absolutely clear that if Britain leaves the EU then we expose ourselves to increased risk of foreign invasion, specifically from the Orient, from the East, from that giant of Asia,” explained David Cameron.  “I refer of course to Godzilla, and how Britain would once again have to fight as it’s cities are crushed under radioactive, reptilian feet.”
However the Brexit camp was quick to move to counter what they said was unwarranted, scaremongering based purely on hyperbole.

“Nonsense, Britain would not be alone! Golly of course not, Britain is head of the Commonwealth, a group of 53 countries, 2 billion people,” explained Boris Johnson.  “And, let us be sure, the home of King Kong who we could surely enlist in this titanic struggle.”

Campaigners have been quick to seize on the subtle details of EU treaties, intentional trade deals and political manifestos in a bid to bring clarity and understanding to the people of the UK faced with making a difficult choice in such a technical subject as the benefits, or otherwise, of continued EU membership.

“Indeed, not only has Boris so eloquently described how Britain and the commonwealth are exceptionally unique in having such an abundance of 60 foot tall prehistoric apes. Indeed it is to the seas that this great trading nation of ours should look and form new alliances,” explained Nigel Farage. “Outwards to the global Commonwealth and to the riches of the Pacific, where we are sure to be able to form a trade deal with the Kaiju.”

This EU exit strategy has been attacked from many sides, principally the assumption that leaving the EU would cause the immediate cessation of trade with the continent and indeed that said trade can be just as instantly be replaced with that with other sources.

“An alliance of this sort would be worrying indeed.  We would obviously then be limited in our access to Jaeger technology, that way lies isolationism, totalitarianism,” explained Jeremy Corbyn. “Britain might well be driven into the arms of the Decepticons as a counterbalance.”

“All this talk of any alliance in the Pacific is of course complete and utter nonsense, and a conspiracy of the highest order,” blasted George Galloway. “Everyone knows the Pacific Ocean is a hoax perpetrated by Zionists.”

One former politician has come out of seclusion to weigh in on the current situation in British politics, feeling that only now can he finally be clear about where he stands on the crucial debate.

“Look, whether it be Conservative, or Labour, nationalist or socialist, please stop trying to quote me and drag me into your debates,” complained Adolf Hitler from his bunker in the Canary Islands. “My reputation has suffered enough over the years without being linked to Boris Johnson or Ken Livingston.”

Retro Game Review - Hoovering “not got that one more go feeling”

Surreal Scoop’s resident game reviewer, Nathan Billingsworth has recently left home and takes the opportunity that setting up a new place affords him for a spot of retro gaming.

“I recently moved into a flat of my own and it’s taken a bit of time for the broadband internet to get sorted,” said Billingsworth.  “Being offline does not mean that I cannot game, in fact it gave me the opportunity to investigate some retro-games.  Are these games from the past worth a look now?

“I tried out a spot of Hoovering.  It is a very old game I’ve never previously considered , but something my mum has been playing for years.  In addition it is something that has no online requirements at all.  Although there is a specific hardware requirement of a Vacuum Cleaner, although this is a standalone device.

Playability
“The controls are reasonably easy to master.  Basically you push a button to start and the same to finish.  So far so good.

Graphics
“I found that the whole rendering of the flat was very immersive and fairly realistic.  I certainly had that feeling of being there.  In fact at times it felt almost too real and the particle effects of the dust clouds from under the sofa were so convincing that I found myself almost ready to sneeze.”

Sound
“This was one area that definitely let the game down - the sound was a bit of a monotonous whine, mostly.  There was some music but it was mostly drowned out by the whine that persisted throughout the game.  The audio balance could have been better so as to bring the music to the foreground.  Based on this I would recommend the use of headphones when playing Hoovering for any length of time.”

Gameplay
All in all I’d say this isn’t too bad.  I am not sure I see in the game the kind of longevity that my mum has got out of it, She must have played it thousands of times, although I am told there are different rooms each with their own challenges, and the boss level of Stairs is quite difficult to master.  I found a bonus level called “bathroom” that I hadn’t expected in the game, and there was a checkpoint issue when a glitch with the dust bag upgrade made me have to restart in the bedroom, which was very annoying.  

Verdict
OK, I suppose, to while away a few minutes at a time.  It’s the kind of thing you might come back to  for a nostalgia fix once a year or so, but definitely doesn’t ooze that “just one more go” feeling.  I think even my mum has got bored of it and has turned to speed-running hoovering.  She does tell me that I should also consider some further games in the same series such as “Laundry” but I think I’ll leave that to her.

Apple insists “error 53 vital for nation’s security”

The internet is awash with complaints from iPhone users who have had their phone repaired by a local, non-Apple phone shop, and therefore not repaired by a genius in a polo-shirt, to find that the phones refuse to operate - displaying messages such as “error 53”. Apple has released a press statement insisting that the iPhone’s constant checks for component integrity are important to maintain the device’s security, especially for use by secret agents.

“Imagine you were in the Presidential Suite of a five-star hotel in Bangkok and just about to have sex with the stunning Russian woman you met a couple of hours ago in a burning warehouse,” asked Heidi Billingsworth, senior product evangelist at Apple.  “After the passion, you want to know that you can drift off into sleep, not having to worry about those four men that chased your rickshaw in a hail of gunfire.

“With the iPhone constantly checking the integrity of it’s components, you know that the data on the ‘phone is secure, and can disregard that you only managed three confirmed kills in the shoot-out,” Ms Billingsworth added. “You’ll be busy enough when you wake up next to a corpse anyway”

However security experts dismiss the claims, and MI6 itself has released a statement saying that it’s security approach is independent of any design features of Apple devices.

“Well, the thing is there have been a lot of budget cuts, so we don’t use Apple kit now,” said a source that did not wish to be named. “In fact we get all our stuff from a nice Chinese man who runs a stall down at Dartford market.  It’s been a great saving over the years, especially as the Chinese government has been very helpful in supplying backup copies of our documents when we do have IT problems.”

Face of Jesus Found in Belgian bun

Jesus fans were today queuing up to see the latest image of their idol that has been discovered in the icing on a Belgian Bun purchased from a bakery in Chatham, Kent.

 

“It's been bedlam here since I tweeted the picture of Our Lord,” said Ben Billingsworth, a believer from Chatham. “I couldn't believe it when I opened the pack of two buns and found the holy visage staring back at me. It's uncanny”. 

 

Mr Billingsworth has had to hire the local scout hall such is the demand from people to see the bun with people coming from all over the country to queue for up to 7 hours to have a chance of seeing, and taking a selfie with their Saviour.

 

“Obviously it's an important moment in human history, and I want to bring Christians together at this time. But for those that can't be here I have a range of commemorative holy relics on my website,” said Mr Billingsworth. “There is a very affordable mousemat.”

 

Skeptics argue that the image may just be coincidence, a fortunate positioning of raisins around the central cherry “nose” or perhaps just a trick of the eye caused my light and shadow playing on the icing.

 

Others go further and assert that neither the manner of creation of the, nor the lighting conditions in which it is viewed can in anyway cause it to be a representation of Jesus Christ.

 

“It's clearly an image of Elvis,” said comedian Ricky Gervais.

50 years on new evidence at Dealey Plaza

It may be 50 years since those events that changed the world, but today new evidence is revealed as to what really happened in Dealey Plaza.

The Sun to charge all idiots not just newspaper buyers

UK readers of The Sun are to be charged for online access to the newspaper later this year. News International has said it will allow readers access to 20 sensationalist made-up articles a month and then readers will need to subscribe to read the rest of the rubbish it produces.

"The Sun website is fantastic but I believe that we are all suffering in the print world,” said Chief Executive Mike Billingsworth. “Part of those people are saying day in, day out 'why am I paying for the Sun when I can get a load of made up nonsense by reading Surreal Scoop for free?'."

The Sun, like sister paper The Times before it, will retreat behind a paywall thus forcing both online and newsprint readers to pay to learn details of which celebrity has been to the gym, slept with another celebrity or is starring in a TV show on Sky.

The newspaper industry as a whole is struggling to compete with an online world which can provide news of events as they happen from all over the world and, most importantly, no need to wait a day to read what celebrities wear when they take the dog for a walk. The Sun argues that by forcing people to subscribe to read it's offerings it will be able to retain the high level of output that the nation has come to expect such as the world's leading network of close celebrity confidents happy to spill the beans on tearful late night mobile phone conversations that everyone else would expect only to be known to the callers, and perhaps their voicemail systems.

“Rest assured our long standing journalistic traditions will not be affected by this change to accessing our online content,” said Billingsworth. “The Sun will continue to be news of the tits, by the tits, for the tits.”

Credit Rating companies completely oblivious to their irrelevance continue to issue press releases

Fitch Ratings tried desperately today to get someone to pay attention to them and their incompetent industry by downgrading another prominent country despite worldwide acceptance that credit rating agencies are as effectual as saying “no” to a priest.

“We have to say that we are putting the UK economy on negative watch, do you hear, negative watch. That's important that is,” said Glenn Billingsworth, Head of Alphabet at Fitch to a well attended gathering at the Derby Girl-Guides and Brownies cake sale. “I know the cupcakes do look lovely, but can you just listen – we might move the UK from AAA to AA+! Do you here AA+?”

Mr Billingsworth said Fitch was joining in with the other ratings agencies in seeking an audience after being rendered utterly meaningless having failed to spot the AAA rated subprime bond collapse. Similarly Standard and Poor's issued 1000 leaflets at last weekend's St. Luke's church fete in Formby explaining its analysis of the 2011 downgrade of the United States. Moody's said they were watching the market intently and are collecting 10p coins in case they need to make use of the Bexley Library photocopier prior to speaking at the Welling United Bring-and-Buy sale.

After Mr Billingsworth's presentation, and the local parents had finished buying cakes, there was time for a question and answer session:-

Sophie (Brownie 7) : “AA+, does that mean Britain is very good?”

GB : “Yes, it does. Very good indeed. Just not quite as good as AAA. If you have an AAA credit rating you are safe to invest in, AA+ you are still safe, but, well, not quite as safe as AAA which is the safest of all.”

Louise (Head Guide, 17) : “So has the UK ever not paid back a debt?”

GB : “No, never. But, erm, well it might sort of not pay back something, but of course it will pay it back as we still think it is AA+”

Katie (Guide, 15) : “So what is the point of changing the rating?”

GB: “Well it's very complicated in the world of financial instruments. I am not sure we have the background knowledge here in this lovely, lovely hall to fully cover the intricacies of sovereign debt. But the chance of us downgrading the rating is the important bit, that you should tell your mums and dads about. Negative Watch is the phrase, shall we say it together?”

Mary (Brownie, 6) : “But for years didn't you insist that your subprime Collateralised Debt Obligations were AAA rating even though, for example, the Credit Suisse issue ended up losing investors $125m?”

GB: “Sorry little girl, I can't hear you over that vacuum cleaner. Is that the time already? I really should be going.”

Inner Party to ensure all comment is plusgood plustrue via Royal Charter

Approved communication no. 4213253/201303-SS1

The beloved Prime Minister of the UK, in collaboration with the self-appointed Deputy PM, the leader of the opposition and a well funded lobby group of concerned victims of unspeakable outrage, have approved the creation of a regulatory body to ensure that the press is free to print only the truth.

In what was a clear victory for the Conservatives the Liberal Democrats the Labour Party Hollywood celebrity fronted Hacked Off victims of scurrilous press intrusion no one everyone there will now be a new body formed via a Royal Charter, that will ensure that corrupt politicians hard working public servants and intoxicated, weakly talented celebrities in rehab who give up their time for charitable efforts can conduct their lives reading only plusgood messages about themselves.

“It has become apparent, over the very recent hundreds of years of the free press in the UK that some journalists have been stepping outside of acceptable behaviour,” said the Prime Minister. “They have conducted in bribery, unauthorised access to communications systems and contempt of court. Actions which are only covered by existing bribery, communications and contempt of court laws. Therefore we need the state to have more powers to ensure that they don't break those laws again.”

There will begin an education period for the Proles to ensure that they understand that the radical adoption of press regulation risks the ability to speak truth to power there will be no change in their freedom and that they will continue to be watched over cared for benevolently by un-necessarily elected, graspers of power hard working public servants.

“It's horrifying, all those papers I was forced to buy to read all that intriguing speculation about whether that bloke with the mad hair, or that couple of doctors, had been murdering people. It's good to know I won't be forced to buy that stuff again,'” said Winston Citizen Billingsmith. “These new laws to stop bribery and hacking and so on will be thought through carefully, of course, to ensure that we still find out which celebs have been shagging.”

Inner Party members such as politicians and celebrities have welcomed the proposals, especially the ability for those media that do not sign up to the new regulatory body to have to incur all costs of litigation, even if they successfully defend their cases. On the other hand some disloyal members of the press have expressed concern at not being present at the late-night negotiations that took place in Room 101 of the ministry's Victory Square building.

“At no point has the press been excluded from a process in which we did not let them take part. Their voices have not been ignored, since we didn't ask their opinion,” said Nick Clegg, the self-appointed Deputy Prime-Minister treacherous twat.

Bank Of England To Treat Banks As Banks Treat Customers

The Bank of England is to consider a bold approach of treating the High Street banks in the same manner as they treat their customers, by instigating charges on the money a bank holds with the central bank.

“I went into my bank the other day to try to work out what to do with my savings that had mysteriously dropped to paying, basically, fuck all percent interest,” said deputy governor Paul Billingsworth. “I decided to move some money about, then the rob-dogs started going on about charging to write cheques. I thought, 'right, lets do the fuckers right over'.”

The statement was part of the evidence that Mr Billingsworth gave to the Treasury Committee regarding consideration for instigating negative interest rates.

“Basically we will charge them for holding their money with us, see how they like that,” he said. “When they want to hold less, well I might just charge them for making the withdrawal. Seems only fair.”

The banking industry reacted angrily to the news and said the action would have severe repercussions on the British economy.

“Negative interest rates will affect key areas of society, namely bank profits and those profits are needed to pay the bonuses that ensure Britain has the finest banking talent retiring at the age of 45,” said a spokesman. “Anyway it's not the Bank of England's money, it's ours, you can't charge us to get at our own money. Oh, I see what you are doing there.”

In other news High Street banks said that savings accounts will now pay zero or less interest and a royalty fee will be levied on anyone using the phrase bank, banker or synonyms such as “thieving, incompetent git”

Image obsessed old cow takes too much HRT

An old woman who fantasies about men in tights for a living reveals she is pretty upset about getting older and no one paying much attention to her for anything other than her mind.

“Plastic smile, that’s what she has. Thin, no wrinkles, lovely hair,” said Hilary Mantel. “She’s not like Diana – whatever that means. And there is no way that William could actually like her for herself. And God, her hair, why isn’t it made of straw like mine?”

The author was giving a dreary lecture at the London Review of Books on the subject of sex with Royalty and what the Royals wear when, realising that the men in the audience were only lusting after her intellectually, launched into an attack on the Duchess of Cambridge.

“She’s only there to look good in clothes, whereas what we all want is a princess wearing sweatpants stained with cider and maybe a few fag burns,” said Ms Mantel, who also has a sideline doing impressions of a startled Hillary Clinton. “And to give birth of course, after being shagged by a man. The lucky bitch.”

Ms Mantel’s lecture was a thoroughly researched, considered and deeply intellectual exercise in judging people solely by how they look or by how other people said that they look, having met few of the subjects herself.

“I’ve read a lot about the sex lives of Henry VIII, Anne Boleyn, its interesting stuff,” she explained. “Fascinating. Strong powerful men taking what they want. Women powerless to resist. I am sixty 60 now, but I was young once. I could show you some photos of a younger me. I am sure you would have … “

Ms Mantel had to leave the lecture to retire to the fainting room and await a “strapping doctor to massage the hysteria away”.

Caesar's speech on future of Europe offers hope of greater role for himself

David “Caesar” Cameron today revealed his intention to desperately assert his role in the centuries old conflict over the future of Europe within the Conservative Party.

“It's time to ask important questions about the Treaty of Rome, some say we should be fearful of asking, “ said Caesar. “But cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant never taste of death but once.”

Caesar laid out his plans for a referendum on whether the Conservative Party should openly rebel against his leadership or simply continue to tear itself apart leading to the eventual end of his career just as it had his predecessors.

“I am constant as the Northern Star,” explained Cameron with the Conservation Party united directly behind him as he urged for a referendum on Britain's relationship with other countries, “Get going! Run to your houses, fall on your knees, Pray to the gods to stop the Hague!”

Unfortunately, a party soothsayer lamented that Caesar's fate is sealed in the stars because neither the Tories themselves, nor the other member states, could ever agree on a role for Britain within the EU.

“Those hard hearts and the cruel men of Rome will prevent Caesar continuing to act into the fifth year of the next parliament,” said the sage. “He will of course be stabbed in the back at the beginning of the third year. His political epitaph is likely to be 'Et tu Boris?'.”

Surprise That Professional Soldier Killed Enemy With Multi-Million Pound Death Machine

The historically peaceful nation of Great Britain today reacted with great surprise as it became apparent that one of their “army” of professional soldiers may have injured an enemy on the battlefield.

“He seemed like such a nice you man, standing there next to his brother at the wedding, wearing that lovely Blues and Royals uniform,” said Edna Billingsworth. “I had no idea that was a military outfit. And they train to kill people you say?”

Mrs Billingsworth was reacting to an interview with a serving army officer, Captain Wales of the Army Air Corps, who explained that after several years of training to kill people, being trained how to use £30m machines of death and having been deployed into battlefield service in a live, decade long, shooting war, that he had been actively attempting to kill the enemy.

“It's not really what I expect of a soldier, least of all one that knows that lovely Kate so well and has such a wonderful brother in William. Such a lovely couple,” said Mrs Billingsworth. “And I saw a picture of the helichopper that he flies, it's very ugly isn't it? That won't look very nice on a tea towel. Can't he fly that nice budgie that his auntie wrote about?”

However the incredulity is not just shared by commenters on the Daily Mail website, it is shared by other members of the lunatic fringe too.

“We've always wanted to bring down the UK establishment and of course the Royals,” said a spokesman for a radical Muslim group in East London. “The fact that these serving soldiers have killed our martyrs just makes this parasitic leach of an infidel more of a target for us. But not on a Tuesday as I have to sign on at the job centre then.”

Diane Abbot “I'm getting a bit old for all this sauciness”

One time teenager and previous twenty-something year-old woman, Diane Abbott, is to launch a revolution in sex education that will ensure young people “stop wanting to look at people's bits”.

“For too long now I have come to realise, like many people, that I am getting too old for nakedness to be an everyday thing,” said the MP for Principle on the Righteousness. “So, those younger people, well they should all just stop doing it too.”

Ms Abbott has become concerned with the availability of pornography on the internet, something that has only become an issue in the last 15 or so years, when the teenagers of then have grown up into 30 somethings with families of their own.

“It's obvious that today family values are centred around large inflatable breasts, sex sessions that last at least an hour of continuous pounding involving at least three people simultaneously,” said the MP in her landmark speech. “The number of orifices in use has spiralled too.”

The campaign will focus on new and shocking teenage behaviour, such as communicating raunchy messages to each other – something that was never possible with speech, the land-line telephone or furtive classroom notes.

There will also be a nationwide campaign to get schoolchildren to be nice to each other following the new craze sweeping the nation of calling girls sluts if they are rumoured to have ever seen a real penis.

“15 years ago, before anyone had shown a booby or a thingy on the internet, every school child was nice to one another,” said Ms Abbott. “Since slut-shaming happens online then, clearly, it is the computer that is at fault as no one ever called anyone a slut previously. Apart from Susan Billingsworth during that one school trip, who so definitely did touch that boy's thingy.”

CNN Desperately Searches For The Receipt For Piers Morgan

As Christmas Day unfolds across the USA, loved ones express their special relationships and gifts are exchanged, CNN has asked if Britain kept the receipt for Piers Morgan.

“It was a nice offer, a nice thought, no very nice of you, very nice of you,,” said Ted Billingsworth, CEO of CNN. “But the Morgan is a fantasy figure and I am not sure it fits in with our collection – so, well we hope you kept the receipt and I could always exchange it for something else.”

When CNN first received their Piers they initially overlooked the tacky packaging and dubious reputation as they were excited that the British veneer might add a level of class. However they quickly discovered that their new Piers did not integrate well, neither with gun nuts, nor sane people who like facts.

“To be honest, when we first read the packaging we thought we were getting Piers Brosnan and well James Bond, you know, sheer class. Even Remington Steele, class. Morgan, not so,” explained Billingsworth. “And the Morgan doesn't play well with others, does it? Very disruptive.”

After some embarrassment the disagreement was eventually resolved when Britain agreed to see about exchanging the Morgan for a Philip Schofield, the deal fell through when, despite searching, it transpired that no one had seen Piers Morgan at CNN for some time.

NRA Admits “Guns Are For Professionals, Not Our Enthusiastic Amateur Members”

The NRA today confessed that its members were not very good at using guns and advised US authorities to get some professionals in to assist with school security.

"The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun and we have always asserted that Bubba and his AR15 can lend his amateurish enthusiasm to the problem,” said the NRA's French sounding Wayland LaBillingsworth. "These school shootings are never stopped by a gun carrying citizen. It’s now time for only professional Americans use weapons of death. "

Mister, or perhaps Monsieur, LaBillingsworth's comments came during a press conference when he was forced to admit that the National Rifle Association's age old policy of equipping every US citizen with an assault weapon and armour piercing grenades didn't seem to stop mass shootings across the country.

“One of our members was at a library protesting about books on Dinosaurs. He said that he saw a book on the British Armed forces. It was quite a shock. They don’t appear to have stood still in the last 250 years,” explained LaBillingsworth. “Our member said that the British have tanks, and planes and nuclear weapons. He said he wasn’t sure his rumpus room cum shelter and AR-15 could take a full assault by the Royal Marines. They’ve got helicopters and submarines. The King of England is armed to the teeth!”

LaBillingsworth said that the revelation of the strength of the former colonial master of the USA had made him re-evaluate the whole concept of personal protection.

“I think we really need to think of the role the US Army should play when the British attack our elementary schools,” he added. “I don’t think the US Army should stand idly by - in fact the only sensible deterrent is to deploy some of our own nukes into each school in the country.”

Gwynedd Council Rejects Israeli Plans For New Settlements In Golan Snowdonia After Computer Simulation

Gwynedd council has controversially rejected a planning application from the Israeli government requesting to build new Jewish settlements in the non-contested Golan area, near Snowdonia national park.

“We studied the request in detail but found it came up short in a number of areas, such as the impact on the local transport infrastructure or the impact of Hebrew speakers on the Welsh language,” said councillor Dafydd Billingsworth-Jones. “Oh and the fact that Israel has no claim to Wales or the UK.”

The Israeli foreign ministry has responded angrily to the rejection and says that it may be forced to take the plan to the United Nations, or even to take direct action itself.

“Golan is, and always shall be, Israeli land - no matter where it actually is. Israelis have a historic right to live in peace in our land, and we will deploy tanks as well as bulldozers to secure that peace,” said a spokesman. “And we refute the council's report as we always said we would improve the road network around Dolbenmaen to allow for the new border checkpoints.”

An emergency meeting of the council cabinet took additional submissions and statements from those affected by the Israeli proposals, which included a new community library, affordable key-worker housing and the installation of a battery of the Israeli Defence Force's 'Iron Dome' antimissile systems.

“We don't want to be seen as negative, the idea of facing the 'separation barrier' around the town with local slate was well received,” said Councillor Billingsworth-Jones. “But perhaps the minefield around the children's play area less so.”

The council emphasised that it was with great regret that they had to turn down the Israeli application but it followed a thorough review of a 3D model of the proposed Golan Heights Snowdon development.

“We had several extensive simulations made. First using Minecraft and then a particularly compelling submission using Call of Duty – Owen the War edition,” said Billingsworth-Jones. “Whilst we thought that the exploding buses and constant helicopter raids need not necessarily have a detrimental effect on existing property prices, we are concerned about the inevitable devastation of the rural economy that would be caused by the proposed Tesco Superstore.”

Phillip Schofield victim of unfounded accusations of journalism

The career of former gopher spokesman, Phillip Schofield, was said to be in danger of remaining as fatuous as ever amid the fallout from his interview with David Cameron.

“it is essential that it is understood that I would never be part of any kind of journalism,” said the professional recipe taster. “I am deeply sorry if it appeared that I was doing so from a mis-judged career angle.”

The row erupted after the part-time ice skating talent show host presented the PM with a list of names that he had found on the internet and that he insisted where those of known paedophiles. The names are listed below to ensure that justice is served for those who suffered at the hands of the “This Morning” production ring:-

• The one with his hand up Gordon the Gopher. When it wasn't me of course
• That one who is Scottish and was often shown on Question Time wearing a blue tie.
• The junior government minister for health in the 70s. Or was it 80s? Or was it education?
• His brother.
• Or maybe sister.
• Just checked and the EveshamTileShowroom discussion forum users say it was both the brother and the sister.
• Thinking about it Gordon wasn't very old, so maybe me too.
• That one who wasn't gay until he was. You know, the one who wore that hat. It's on his wikipedia page.
• Or was it a scarf?

Co-presenter Rachel Billingsworth has repeatedly apologised on air to anyone who had been upset by the item being featured on “This Morning”.

“We understand our viewers were not expecting to encounter real-world issues and, rest-assured this won't happen again, the programme will revert to only showing cooking items following by slimming tips, as normal,” said Billingsworth “So, text in if you want us to show Richard Madeley doing that Ali G impression again? Remember we have already picked the result but you will be charged for the text regardless.”

Lucas Secures Star Wars Legacy For Future Generations Of Duvet Covers And Lunchboxes

George Lucas has announced that he has sold the Star Wars franchise to theatrical heritage authority Disney in a move to guarantee the future of Star Wars merchandising for another generation.

“I think it is time I handed over the baton.  After 35 years, I really cannot think of anything else to stick Darth Vader’s image on,” said the mad revisionist as he signed the Star Wars ‘May the Courts be with you’ branded stationery of the contract using his LightSaber pen. 

Senior First Executive Principle Vice President, Walter D. Billingsworth IV who followed Mr Lucas in signing the contract on behalf of Disney said that there was a lot of pent-up demand for further adventures in the Star Wars extended universe.

“We have definite plans for the next movie in 2015 which will focus on the Ewoks who have to free their sacred talking candlestick from the Sheriff of Nottingham,” said Billingsworth.  “We think die-hard fans and newcomers alike will enjoy our re-interpretation of Chewbacca in the character of Baloo the Bear.”

Existing Star Wars actors where said to have mixed reactions to the news.

“Opportunity for film work again, it is. Good that is.  Although dead I am care about Star Wars integrity I do,” said former Jedi and now telecommunications salesman Yoda, 800. “Although not so dead phone sales targets hit I cannot.  Judge iPhone 5 by its size do you, hmm?”

Disney hopes the £2.5Bn deal will enable the production of more movies on an almost annual basis.

“We certainly see the potential to explore the early life of some of the characters further, such as Luke Skywalker’s school years, and the significant formative events of his life,” said Billingsworth. “We are looking forward to realising on screen the musical number during which Luke uses the force to help Aunt Beru tidy up.”

There was a further surprise announcement at the end of the ceremonial signing of the contract when George Lucas announced that there would be a Special Edition DVD of the press conference in which it is clear that Disney signed first.