The Sun to charge all idiots not just newspaper buyers

UK readers of The Sun are to be charged for online access to the newspaper later this year. News International has said it will allow readers access to 20 sensationalist made-up articles a month and then readers will need to subscribe to read the rest of the rubbish it produces.

"The Sun website is fantastic but I believe that we are all suffering in the print world,” said Chief Executive Mike Billingsworth. “Part of those people are saying day in, day out 'why am I paying for the Sun when I can get a load of made up nonsense by reading Surreal Scoop for free?'."

The Sun, like sister paper The Times before it, will retreat behind a paywall thus forcing both online and newsprint readers to pay to learn details of which celebrity has been to the gym, slept with another celebrity or is starring in a TV show on Sky.

The newspaper industry as a whole is struggling to compete with an online world which can provide news of events as they happen from all over the world and, most importantly, no need to wait a day to read what celebrities wear when they take the dog for a walk. The Sun argues that by forcing people to subscribe to read it's offerings it will be able to retain the high level of output that the nation has come to expect such as the world's leading network of close celebrity confidents happy to spill the beans on tearful late night mobile phone conversations that everyone else would expect only to be known to the callers, and perhaps their voicemail systems.

“Rest assured our long standing journalistic traditions will not be affected by this change to accessing our online content,” said Billingsworth. “The Sun will continue to be news of the tits, by the tits, for the tits.”

Credit Rating companies completely oblivious to their irrelevance continue to issue press releases

Fitch Ratings tried desperately today to get someone to pay attention to them and their incompetent industry by downgrading another prominent country despite worldwide acceptance that credit rating agencies are as effectual as saying “no” to a priest.

“We have to say that we are putting the UK economy on negative watch, do you hear, negative watch. That's important that is,” said Glenn Billingsworth, Head of Alphabet at Fitch to a well attended gathering at the Derby Girl-Guides and Brownies cake sale. “I know the cupcakes do look lovely, but can you just listen – we might move the UK from AAA to AA+! Do you here AA+?”

Mr Billingsworth said Fitch was joining in with the other ratings agencies in seeking an audience after being rendered utterly meaningless having failed to spot the AAA rated subprime bond collapse. Similarly Standard and Poor's issued 1000 leaflets at last weekend's St. Luke's church fete in Formby explaining its analysis of the 2011 downgrade of the United States. Moody's said they were watching the market intently and are collecting 10p coins in case they need to make use of the Bexley Library photocopier prior to speaking at the Welling United Bring-and-Buy sale.

After Mr Billingsworth's presentation, and the local parents had finished buying cakes, there was time for a question and answer session:-

Sophie (Brownie 7) : “AA+, does that mean Britain is very good?”

GB : “Yes, it does. Very good indeed. Just not quite as good as AAA. If you have an AAA credit rating you are safe to invest in, AA+ you are still safe, but, well, not quite as safe as AAA which is the safest of all.”

Louise (Head Guide, 17) : “So has the UK ever not paid back a debt?”

GB : “No, never. But, erm, well it might sort of not pay back something, but of course it will pay it back as we still think it is AA+”

Katie (Guide, 15) : “So what is the point of changing the rating?”

GB: “Well it's very complicated in the world of financial instruments. I am not sure we have the background knowledge here in this lovely, lovely hall to fully cover the intricacies of sovereign debt. But the chance of us downgrading the rating is the important bit, that you should tell your mums and dads about. Negative Watch is the phrase, shall we say it together?”

Mary (Brownie, 6) : “But for years didn't you insist that your subprime Collateralised Debt Obligations were AAA rating even though, for example, the Credit Suisse issue ended up losing investors $125m?”

GB: “Sorry little girl, I can't hear you over that vacuum cleaner. Is that the time already? I really should be going.”

Inner Party to ensure all comment is plusgood plustrue via Royal Charter

Approved communication no. 4213253/201303-SS1

The beloved Prime Minister of the UK, in collaboration with the self-appointed Deputy PM, the leader of the opposition and a well funded lobby group of concerned victims of unspeakable outrage, have approved the creation of a regulatory body to ensure that the press is free to print only the truth.

In what was a clear victory for the Conservatives the Liberal Democrats the Labour Party Hollywood celebrity fronted Hacked Off victims of scurrilous press intrusion no one everyone there will now be a new body formed via a Royal Charter, that will ensure that corrupt politicians hard working public servants and intoxicated, weakly talented celebrities in rehab who give up their time for charitable efforts can conduct their lives reading only plusgood messages about themselves.

“It has become apparent, over the very recent hundreds of years of the free press in the UK that some journalists have been stepping outside of acceptable behaviour,” said the Prime Minister. “They have conducted in bribery, unauthorised access to communications systems and contempt of court. Actions which are only covered by existing bribery, communications and contempt of court laws. Therefore we need the state to have more powers to ensure that they don't break those laws again.”

There will begin an education period for the Proles to ensure that they understand that the radical adoption of press regulation risks the ability to speak truth to power there will be no change in their freedom and that they will continue to be watched over cared for benevolently by un-necessarily elected, graspers of power hard working public servants.

“It's horrifying, all those papers I was forced to buy to read all that intriguing speculation about whether that bloke with the mad hair, or that couple of doctors, had been murdering people. It's good to know I won't be forced to buy that stuff again,'” said Winston Citizen Billingsmith. “These new laws to stop bribery and hacking and so on will be thought through carefully, of course, to ensure that we still find out which celebs have been shagging.”

Inner Party members such as politicians and celebrities have welcomed the proposals, especially the ability for those media that do not sign up to the new regulatory body to have to incur all costs of litigation, even if they successfully defend their cases. On the other hand some disloyal members of the press have expressed concern at not being present at the late-night negotiations that took place in Room 101 of the ministry's Victory Square building.

“At no point has the press been excluded from a process in which we did not let them take part. Their voices have not been ignored, since we didn't ask their opinion,” said Nick Clegg, the self-appointed Deputy Prime-Minister treacherous twat.

Bank Of England To Treat Banks As Banks Treat Customers

The Bank of England is to consider a bold approach of treating the High Street banks in the same manner as they treat their customers, by instigating charges on the money a bank holds with the central bank.

“I went into my bank the other day to try to work out what to do with my savings that had mysteriously dropped to paying, basically, fuck all percent interest,” said deputy governor Paul Billingsworth. “I decided to move some money about, then the rob-dogs started going on about charging to write cheques. I thought, 'right, lets do the fuckers right over'.”

The statement was part of the evidence that Mr Billingsworth gave to the Treasury Committee regarding consideration for instigating negative interest rates.

“Basically we will charge them for holding their money with us, see how they like that,” he said. “When they want to hold less, well I might just charge them for making the withdrawal. Seems only fair.”

The banking industry reacted angrily to the news and said the action would have severe repercussions on the British economy.

“Negative interest rates will affect key areas of society, namely bank profits and those profits are needed to pay the bonuses that ensure Britain has the finest banking talent retiring at the age of 45,” said a spokesman. “Anyway it's not the Bank of England's money, it's ours, you can't charge us to get at our own money. Oh, I see what you are doing there.”

In other news High Street banks said that savings accounts will now pay zero or less interest and a royalty fee will be levied on anyone using the phrase bank, banker or synonyms such as “thieving, incompetent git”

Image obsessed old cow takes too much HRT

An old woman who fantasies about men in tights for a living reveals she is pretty upset about getting older and no one paying much attention to her for anything other than her mind.

“Plastic smile, that’s what she has. Thin, no wrinkles, lovely hair,” said Hilary Mantel. “She’s not like Diana – whatever that means. And there is no way that William could actually like her for herself. And God, her hair, why isn’t it made of straw like mine?”

The author was giving a dreary lecture at the London Review of Books on the subject of sex with Royalty and what the Royals wear when, realising that the men in the audience were only lusting after her intellectually, launched into an attack on the Duchess of Cambridge.

“She’s only there to look good in clothes, whereas what we all want is a princess wearing sweatpants stained with cider and maybe a few fag burns,” said Ms Mantel, who also has a sideline doing impressions of a startled Hillary Clinton. “And to give birth of course, after being shagged by a man. The lucky bitch.”

Ms Mantel’s lecture was a thoroughly researched, considered and deeply intellectual exercise in judging people solely by how they look or by how other people said that they look, having met few of the subjects herself.

“I’ve read a lot about the sex lives of Henry VIII, Anne Boleyn, its interesting stuff,” she explained. “Fascinating. Strong powerful men taking what they want. Women powerless to resist. I am sixty 60 now, but I was young once. I could show you some photos of a younger me. I am sure you would have … “

Ms Mantel had to leave the lecture to retire to the fainting room and await a “strapping doctor to massage the hysteria away”.

Caesar's speech on future of Europe offers hope of greater role for himself

David “Caesar” Cameron today revealed his intention to desperately assert his role in the centuries old conflict over the future of Europe within the Conservative Party.

“It's time to ask important questions about the Treaty of Rome, some say we should be fearful of asking, “ said Caesar. “But cowards die many times before their deaths. The valiant never taste of death but once.”

Caesar laid out his plans for a referendum on whether the Conservative Party should openly rebel against his leadership or simply continue to tear itself apart leading to the eventual end of his career just as it had his predecessors.

“I am constant as the Northern Star,” explained Cameron with the Conservation Party united directly behind him as he urged for a referendum on Britain's relationship with other countries, “Get going! Run to your houses, fall on your knees, Pray to the gods to stop the Hague!”

Unfortunately, a party soothsayer lamented that Caesar's fate is sealed in the stars because neither the Tories themselves, nor the other member states, could ever agree on a role for Britain within the EU.

“Those hard hearts and the cruel men of Rome will prevent Caesar continuing to act into the fifth year of the next parliament,” said the sage. “He will of course be stabbed in the back at the beginning of the third year. His political epitaph is likely to be 'Et tu Boris?'.”

Surprise That Professional Soldier Killed Enemy With Multi-Million Pound Death Machine

The historically peaceful nation of Great Britain today reacted with great surprise as it became apparent that one of their “army” of professional soldiers may have injured an enemy on the battlefield.

“He seemed like such a nice you man, standing there next to his brother at the wedding, wearing that lovely Blues and Royals uniform,” said Edna Billingsworth. “I had no idea that was a military outfit. And they train to kill people you say?”

Mrs Billingsworth was reacting to an interview with a serving army officer, Captain Wales of the Army Air Corps, who explained that after several years of training to kill people, being trained how to use £30m machines of death and having been deployed into battlefield service in a live, decade long, shooting war, that he had been actively attempting to kill the enemy.

“It's not really what I expect of a soldier, least of all one that knows that lovely Kate so well and has such a wonderful brother in William. Such a lovely couple,” said Mrs Billingsworth. “And I saw a picture of the helichopper that he flies, it's very ugly isn't it? That won't look very nice on a tea towel. Can't he fly that nice budgie that his auntie wrote about?”

However the incredulity is not just shared by commenters on the Daily Mail website, it is shared by other members of the lunatic fringe too.

“We've always wanted to bring down the UK establishment and of course the Royals,” said a spokesman for a radical Muslim group in East London. “The fact that these serving soldiers have killed our martyrs just makes this parasitic leach of an infidel more of a target for us. But not on a Tuesday as I have to sign on at the job centre then.”

Diane Abbot “I'm getting a bit old for all this sauciness”

One time teenager and previous twenty-something year-old woman, Diane Abbott, is to launch a revolution in sex education that will ensure young people “stop wanting to look at people's bits”.

“For too long now I have come to realise, like many people, that I am getting too old for nakedness to be an everyday thing,” said the MP for Principle on the Righteousness. “So, those younger people, well they should all just stop doing it too.”

Ms Abbott has become concerned with the availability of pornography on the internet, something that has only become an issue in the last 15 or so years, when the teenagers of then have grown up into 30 somethings with families of their own.

“It's obvious that today family values are centred around large inflatable breasts, sex sessions that last at least an hour of continuous pounding involving at least three people simultaneously,” said the MP in her landmark speech. “The number of orifices in use has spiralled too.”

The campaign will focus on new and shocking teenage behaviour, such as communicating raunchy messages to each other – something that was never possible with speech, the land-line telephone or furtive classroom notes.

There will also be a nationwide campaign to get schoolchildren to be nice to each other following the new craze sweeping the nation of calling girls sluts if they are rumoured to have ever seen a real penis.

“15 years ago, before anyone had shown a booby or a thingy on the internet, every school child was nice to one another,” said Ms Abbott. “Since slut-shaming happens online then, clearly, it is the computer that is at fault as no one ever called anyone a slut previously. Apart from Susan Billingsworth during that one school trip, who so definitely did touch that boy's thingy.”

CNN Desperately Searches For The Receipt For Piers Morgan

As Christmas Day unfolds across the USA, loved ones express their special relationships and gifts are exchanged, CNN has asked if Britain kept the receipt for Piers Morgan.

“It was a nice offer, a nice thought, no very nice of you, very nice of you,,” said Ted Billingsworth, CEO of CNN. “But the Morgan is a fantasy figure and I am not sure it fits in with our collection – so, well we hope you kept the receipt and I could always exchange it for something else.”

When CNN first received their Piers they initially overlooked the tacky packaging and dubious reputation as they were excited that the British veneer might add a level of class. However they quickly discovered that their new Piers did not integrate well, neither with gun nuts, nor sane people who like facts.

“To be honest, when we first read the packaging we thought we were getting Piers Brosnan and well James Bond, you know, sheer class. Even Remington Steele, class. Morgan, not so,” explained Billingsworth. “And the Morgan doesn't play well with others, does it? Very disruptive.”

After some embarrassment the disagreement was eventually resolved when Britain agreed to see about exchanging the Morgan for a Philip Schofield, the deal fell through when, despite searching, it transpired that no one had seen Piers Morgan at CNN for some time.

NRA Admits “Guns Are For Professionals, Not Our Enthusiastic Amateur Members”

The NRA today confessed that its members were not very good at using guns and advised US authorities to get some professionals in to assist with school security.

"The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun and we have always asserted that Bubba and his AR15 can lend his amateurish enthusiasm to the problem,” said the NRA's French sounding Wayland LaBillingsworth. "These school shootings are never stopped by a gun carrying citizen. It’s now time for only professional Americans use weapons of death. "

Mister, or perhaps Monsieur, LaBillingsworth's comments came during a press conference when he was forced to admit that the National Rifle Association's age old policy of equipping every US citizen with an assault weapon and armour piercing grenades didn't seem to stop mass shootings across the country.

“One of our members was at a library protesting about books on Dinosaurs. He said that he saw a book on the British Armed forces. It was quite a shock. They don’t appear to have stood still in the last 250 years,” explained LaBillingsworth. “Our member said that the British have tanks, and planes and nuclear weapons. He said he wasn’t sure his rumpus room cum shelter and AR-15 could take a full assault by the Royal Marines. They’ve got helicopters and submarines. The King of England is armed to the teeth!”

LaBillingsworth said that the revelation of the strength of the former colonial master of the USA had made him re-evaluate the whole concept of personal protection.

“I think we really need to think of the role the US Army should play when the British attack our elementary schools,” he added. “I don’t think the US Army should stand idly by - in fact the only sensible deterrent is to deploy some of our own nukes into each school in the country.”

Gwynedd Council Rejects Israeli Plans For New Settlements In Golan Snowdonia After Computer Simulation

Gwynedd council has controversially rejected a planning application from the Israeli government requesting to build new Jewish settlements in the non-contested Golan area, near Snowdonia national park.

“We studied the request in detail but found it came up short in a number of areas, such as the impact on the local transport infrastructure or the impact of Hebrew speakers on the Welsh language,” said councillor Dafydd Billingsworth-Jones. “Oh and the fact that Israel has no claim to Wales or the UK.”

The Israeli foreign ministry has responded angrily to the rejection and says that it may be forced to take the plan to the United Nations, or even to take direct action itself.

“Golan is, and always shall be, Israeli land - no matter where it actually is. Israelis have a historic right to live in peace in our land, and we will deploy tanks as well as bulldozers to secure that peace,” said a spokesman. “And we refute the council's report as we always said we would improve the road network around Dolbenmaen to allow for the new border checkpoints.”

An emergency meeting of the council cabinet took additional submissions and statements from those affected by the Israeli proposals, which included a new community library, affordable key-worker housing and the installation of a battery of the Israeli Defence Force's 'Iron Dome' antimissile systems.

“We don't want to be seen as negative, the idea of facing the 'separation barrier' around the town with local slate was well received,” said Councillor Billingsworth-Jones. “But perhaps the minefield around the children's play area less so.”

The council emphasised that it was with great regret that they had to turn down the Israeli application but it followed a thorough review of a 3D model of the proposed Golan Heights Snowdon development.

“We had several extensive simulations made. First using Minecraft and then a particularly compelling submission using Call of Duty – Owen the War edition,” said Billingsworth-Jones. “Whilst we thought that the exploding buses and constant helicopter raids need not necessarily have a detrimental effect on existing property prices, we are concerned about the inevitable devastation of the rural economy that would be caused by the proposed Tesco Superstore.”

Phillip Schofield victim of unfounded accusations of journalism

The career of former gopher spokesman, Phillip Schofield, was said to be in danger of remaining as fatuous as ever amid the fallout from his interview with David Cameron.

“it is essential that it is understood that I would never be part of any kind of journalism,” said the professional recipe taster. “I am deeply sorry if it appeared that I was doing so from a mis-judged career angle.”

The row erupted after the part-time ice skating talent show host presented the PM with a list of names that he had found on the internet and that he insisted where those of known paedophiles. The names are listed below to ensure that justice is served for those who suffered at the hands of the “This Morning” production ring:-

• The one with his hand up Gordon the Gopher. When it wasn't me of course
• That one who is Scottish and was often shown on Question Time wearing a blue tie.
• The junior government minister for health in the 70s. Or was it 80s? Or was it education?
• His brother.
• Or maybe sister.
• Just checked and the EveshamTileShowroom discussion forum users say it was both the brother and the sister.
• Thinking about it Gordon wasn't very old, so maybe me too.
• That one who wasn't gay until he was. You know, the one who wore that hat. It's on his wikipedia page.
• Or was it a scarf?

Co-presenter Rachel Billingsworth has repeatedly apologised on air to anyone who had been upset by the item being featured on “This Morning”.

“We understand our viewers were not expecting to encounter real-world issues and, rest-assured this won't happen again, the programme will revert to only showing cooking items following by slimming tips, as normal,” said Billingsworth “So, text in if you want us to show Richard Madeley doing that Ali G impression again? Remember we have already picked the result but you will be charged for the text regardless.”

Lucas Secures Star Wars Legacy For Future Generations Of Duvet Covers And Lunchboxes

George Lucas has announced that he has sold the Star Wars franchise to theatrical heritage authority Disney in a move to guarantee the future of Star Wars merchandising for another generation.

“I think it is time I handed over the baton.  After 35 years, I really cannot think of anything else to stick Darth Vader’s image on,” said the mad revisionist as he signed the Star Wars ‘May the Courts be with you’ branded stationery of the contract using his LightSaber pen. 

Senior First Executive Principle Vice President, Walter D. Billingsworth IV who followed Mr Lucas in signing the contract on behalf of Disney said that there was a lot of pent-up demand for further adventures in the Star Wars extended universe.

“We have definite plans for the next movie in 2015 which will focus on the Ewoks who have to free their sacred talking candlestick from the Sheriff of Nottingham,” said Billingsworth.  “We think die-hard fans and newcomers alike will enjoy our re-interpretation of Chewbacca in the character of Baloo the Bear.”

Existing Star Wars actors where said to have mixed reactions to the news.

“Opportunity for film work again, it is. Good that is.  Although dead I am care about Star Wars integrity I do,” said former Jedi and now telecommunications salesman Yoda, 800. “Although not so dead phone sales targets hit I cannot.  Judge iPhone 5 by its size do you, hmm?”

Disney hopes the £2.5Bn deal will enable the production of more movies on an almost annual basis.

“We certainly see the potential to explore the early life of some of the characters further, such as Luke Skywalker’s school years, and the significant formative events of his life,” said Billingsworth. “We are looking forward to realising on screen the musical number during which Luke uses the force to help Aunt Beru tidy up.”

There was a further surprise announcement at the end of the ceremonial signing of the contract when George Lucas announced that there would be a Special Edition DVD of the press conference in which it is clear that Disney signed first.

Daily Mail Wants To Know Why Newsnight Didn’t Use TARDIS To Stop Paedo Savile

Surreal Scoop, in common with the excellent journalists at the country’s finest newspapers, and the Daily Mail, would like to express our sincere disgust that - despite 40 years of turning a blind-eye and a failure to investigate these terrible rumours that apparently everyone knew about - we can now safely pin the blame on a BBC employee who took an editorial decision several months after Jimmy Savile’s death.


It is sickening to think of the depraved acts inflicted upon the innocent, and sometimes mentally impaired, members of the press who had to fend off inappropriate moves from the bejewelled paedo as we celebrated:-

• Jimmy Savile hard at it, up all night. As a porter in Leeds Hospital
• Jimmy Savile puffing and panting his way through numerous charity marathon runs
• Jimmy Savile down on his knees to receive his OBE, and his Knighthood

Instead, we can now reveal after only forty years of not following rumours that Jimmy Savile was:-

• a serial paedophile
• a powerful media mogul able to squash any sort of accusation decades after he left television and radio. And indeed after he had died
• a close cohort of IRA terrorists which stopped us telling everyone he was a paedophile - although now we think of it the IRA link is probably a story we should have followed up
• making his necklaces and rings made of the finest Nazi gold
• unable to account for his whereabouts on 23/11/1963 when telltale smoke from a long instrument, fancifully thought of as a rifle by many but now probably his cigar, was spotted on the Grassy Knoll in Dealey Plaza
• supplier EPO to Lance Armstrong. Why not?
• forcing the Greek government borrow huge sums of money. We are all getting screwed there

The real travesty, however, is that for forty years the BBC had a well known medical expert, Dr Who, on the payroll and even after Savile was dead failed to use the TARDIS to go back in time and prevent the perverted DJs reign of terror.

“The BBC and George Entwistle are clearly negligent in not using the TARDIS to answer my very important questions about who authorised what forty years ago,” said Peter Billingsworth, MP (Con) (Twat).

Oh and some bashing about license fees and lefty bias.

Next King of Scotland declares the country will use the Air Miles as its currency

Scotland's new King in waiting, Alex of Salmond, today refuted claims that he is making up policy on the spot. He also denied that he was making a desperate bid to secure his coronation before grown-up Scots sober up and realise life probably isn't all England's fault after all and hastily reverse their plan to allow children to vote.

“I have been entirely clear and consistent when I said all along that Scotland would be an independent nation in Europe and use the Euro as its currency,” said King Alex from what will one day be his palace in Holyrood. “Sterling is a fully convertible currency and hence I can convert my plan from the Euro by just saying it differently.”

Alex “King” Salmond said that perhaps any confusion had arisen by journalists who might have used Siri and its triumph with regards to understanding the Scots.

“I think you'll agree that Scotland is as close to Europe as Scandinavia and since Vikings came over to Britain many years ago I can convert our economic community to forming ties with Norway just by saying it will be so. Fully convertible you see,” he said from his office. “Now I have just checked Thomas Cook's website and it seems the Canadian Dollar is looking quite strong at the moment So, there you go we will convert to Canadian Dollars.”

Mr Salmond then re-launched the revised policy stressing that people had misheard him talking about Scandinavia and he had all along been stressing Scotia communities.

“Clearly Scotland has a proud and steadfast community in Nova Scotia and independent Scotland will form a lasting trading alliance with the New Scottish. Hence it makes sense for us nationalists to convert to a ‘loonie’ based economy.”

Mr Salmond was pressed as to whether or not he thought it important that Scotland's central bank would now be over three thousand miles away in Ottawa but said that this was clearly in line with his policy.

“I have checked and that would probably take a lot of transatlantic flights to ensure Scotland's voice was fairly heard in Bytown,” said the man to be possibly Scotland's last First Minister. “Therefore I plan to convert Scotland's currency to air miles, since without the rest of the UK we are miles from bloody anywhere useful.”

Agony Aunt - “I am a closet cross-dresser”

Fiona, the world’s fastest Agony Aunt is here for you! With the help of her team of counsellors and sex therapists she’ll answer sexual, relationship, emotional and family problems for all ages.

Dear Fi,
I am a middle-aged family man with a secret. For many years now I have been secretly cross-dressing in women’s clothes. I have a small collection of dresses and shoes which I sneak onto business trips etc so that, when alone in my hotel room, I can dress as I feel I should and I can be myself. However despite society being so much more tolerant and liberal I can’t yet face going out in public.

First of all though I need your guidance as to how I can tell my wife and two darling children.
Yours,
Martin,
Norwich

Dearest Martin,
Most of us put on a performance to convince the rest of the world of something that, deep down inside, we know isn’t true and your transvestism is just another case. Take Red Bull Racing, for example. Whilst they may pretend that they are in fact an Austrian F1 team they are based in Milton Keynes and have been since 1996 when they were formed as Stewart Grand Prix, before passing through Jaguar to RBR.

So, just as Force India claim to be from the sub-continent but have been based in Silverstone since 1991 as Jordan, you wish to dress up as woman to reveal how you really feel about yourself. So I say go for it. Surprise the wife and kids at breakfast to find you in a nice casual summer dress. Don’t forget to shave your legs!

If you want to take your transformation further, perhaps, progressing towards surgery and finally becoming a woman, then take your example from Mercedes. They dress their car as German in their Brackley, England base, but they have no shame in grabbing their throbbing powerplant from just up the road in Brixworth and using it as a stressed member.
Auntie Fi

UEFA Allows Wayne Rooney To Be Violent Against Ukraine

European football’s governing body has upheld the Football Association’s request to allow Wayne Rooney to be violent against players from host nation Ukraine by reducing his international suspension from three games to two, meaning he could return to international thuggery for the final group game in this summer's European Championships.

“After due deliberation and taking into account Wayne’s previous record as a foul-mouthed, violent cheat in both domestic and international competitions, we have determined that the three match ban was too harsh,” said Michel Billingstini of UEFA. “It would have deprived fans in the Ukraine of that true spectacle of English football - watching Wayne stamp on their heroes’ faces.”

Many football pundits had pressed for a reduction in the sentence meted out to Rooney following his violence against Miodrag Dzudovic from Montenegro citing his previous disciplinary record and precedents of previous UEFA rulings.

“Wayne has been cheating at the highest level for years and has consistently been dismissed from pretty much every competition he has abused the match officials in,” said a member of the FA committee. “He was very disappointed with the World Cup in South Africa when he was unable to get within punching distance of an opposition player. He wants to make a great return before getting sent off against Ukraine.”

The ruling has raised hopes of England progressing from the group stages but without Rooney for the first two games there are question marks over whether the rest of the team can deliver the performance needed.

“John Terry needs to step up and deliver a good end to his international career. We know he can stick his nose within a millimetre of a player or referee’s face,” wrote one journalist. “But he might have to channel a bit of Zidane’s head-butting style if England are to kick their way through Sweden and France.”

The possibility of Rooney playing in the final group game will not just be felt in the relentless pummelling of the self-esteem of those match officials who dare to give a free-kick against the brutish centre-forward but will have repercussions in the computer games industry.

“Now we have the ruling we need to put all the motion capture and behavioural ticks of Wayne's game back into the official video game. It’s quite a psychologically damaging process for our game designers,” said one insider. “We might just put a football shirt onto a Grand Theft Auto character.”

Apple Overjoyed As iPhone 4S Passes Turing Test In Scotland

Boffins at Apple's Cupertino headquarters in California are today said to be overjoyed at the news that the company's latest offering, the iPhone 4S, has managed to respond to human interaction in a manner that users are finding indistinguishable from the response of a real person.

“Apparently our Siri users in Scotland have found that the iPhone 4S has absolutely no idea what they are saying,” an acolyte from Apple Core gestured through a ‘multi-touch’ interpreter. “This is exactly the response any real human would have when trying to interact with a Scotsman.”

The voice operation software in the new 4S has been found to reply only with confusion and bewilderment at suggestions from north of the border. This silicon confusion is the same that any of us would have when confronted by a Scottish user who wants to know the time, what the weather is going to be like or where the lowest priced can of Tennent's Super can be found within staggering distance. And whether the phone has any change for the bus home. It really is for the bus, pal.

“Turing is one of the indicator tests for the progress of technology, if a computer response is indistinguishable from that of a human then the system passes.” gestured the acolyte. “And frankly there is no one alive that knows what the Scottish want.”

However an international committee is said to be studying the results closely, as they believe a crucial criteria of the Turing test may have been overlooked.

“The iPhone behaviour needs to be in response to conversation with a human,” said one Nobel Prize winner. “I am not sure that qualifies just any hominid, regardless of how angry it feels, or how large it’s feeling of victimhood - so we are not sure the Scotch qualify.

“Oh has that thought upset them? That’s predictable. I’m English.”

Ex-Pats Flood To UK For The Weather

As Britain continues to bask in its typical balmy autumnal weather, thousands of immigrants from Spain, the south of France and Portugal are heading to the UK for the lifestyle and the weather.

“After Geraldo sold his business we left came to Britain, mainly for the weather really,” said Maria Billingso through an interpreter. “Obviously Spain is finished as a country now anyway, so we came to Torbay where the quality of life is so much better. Although you can't get a decent paella and the locals are quite lazy.”

Maria Billingso is one of the increasing number of ex-pats from Spain and other countries who have come to Britain for retirement. Spanish communities in many tourist hotspots are rapidly growing, although there are complaints regarding a lack of integration between the newcomers and their adopted communities.

“They come over here, they don't learn the language, walking around in their ‘Bandera de Espana’ shorts and calling everyone Dave,” said Dave, a pub landlord. “They get fuelled up on San Miguel and insist we switch the TV to La Liga matches.”

Although the ex-pats have turned their backs on their homelands, the websites of right-wing Spanish and French newspapers are filled with comments from residents of the UK who simply won’t leave the country they don’t want to live in alone.

“I don’t speak English very well, and quite often there is nothing to do but sit in the sun in England, so I like to fill my time checking onto the events back-home that actually don’t affect me anymore,” said Billingso. “I like to highlight the articles that I feel are why I left Spain and why everything in Britain is great. Then I end by telling everyone how much I miss buying mantecados from Mercadona.”

In some parts of Britain the ex-pats now out number the natives and with new developments being tailored to the visitors leisure needs, many local Britons are finding it difficult get on the property ladder.

“You look at these new places springing up, they have heating, and even running water some of them,” said one Gravesend resident. “But there is no way my kids are going to be able to afford an apartment in the new bullfighting complex, not even in that tower they are building to push donkeys off.”

It isn’t just the accommodation that is starting to concern local residents, it is the gradual shift of political and economic power in favour of the ex-pats.

“It is important that we have our voices heard in the local council so that our planning needs are reflected and that is why I am running for Mayor,” continued Maria through her interpreter. “I will of course learn English, but until then I need planning permission for a satellite dish to receive TVE as British TV is mierda.”

Supporters of Liam Fox Deny Anyone Would Volunteer To Be Near Him

As the investigation into the circumstances surrounding the relationship between Adam Werrity and Dr Liam Fox continues, each new revelation hints that there might be someone who is comfortable to be around Liam Fox without being paid to do so.

“I find that idea completely amazing, have you met Dr Fox?” asked Julian Billingsworth, who has been part of the Defence Secretary’s Woodspring constituency team for the past 20 years. “If I wasn’t getting a bung I wouldn’t want to be near the man.”

Government ministers and civil servants alike have rushed forward to defend Dr Fox from accusations that his friend Adam Werrity was not paid by either the Conservative Party or a government department.

“If Werrity wasn’t paid, then he must have been accompanying Fox to that meeting in Dubai out of friendship. You have to admire Werrity because, Jesus Christ, that’s a seven hour flight,” said Billingsworth. “I can only tolerate a cab ride to our constituency office with him because I know he is paying for the 6 pints I’ll need to get through lunch.”

Those investigating allegations that Mr Werrity was in fact just a friend of the Defence Secretary and enjoyed his company said that there was no evidence to substantiate these wild accusations and that Mr Werrity simply must have been paid by someone. Surely.

“We even confirmed that staff at his local hospital use his impending visit as a way of bargaining with patients over unpleasant medical procedures,” said one senior civil servant. “And even the sick kids insisted that if they spent more than 20 minutes with him they were to get either a Ben-10 watch or let off coma-preventing dialysis for the day.”

The Prime Minister is said to be deeply concerned over the revelations and has asked for early sight of the report should the investigation find that a senior Tory has engendered affection in another human being