Sir Fred Goodwin furious his £16m piss-take has been made public

Friends and former colleagues of pin-stripe pirate Sir Fred "Frankly" Goodwin said today that the incompetent banker was furious that details of his £16m pension fund had been leaked into the public domain.

"Fred is livid, absolutely livid, that his enormous piss-take has been revealed to the public," said a friend. "He had hoped that it would be announced sometime around the new financial year. It is terrible to deprive a pensioner of the fun of this year’s April Fool’s day and taking the piss out of the British public."

Sir Fred complained that the details of his £650,000 a year pension, for life, from the bank in the worst shape of all due to the policies he was responsible for do not take into account how the pension fund has built up over the years.

"My pension has not really changed since the original piss-take I started in 1998 when I joined the group. That is a decade of taking the piss at RBS," said cash enthusiast Sir Fred. "Nor does it take into account my previous piss-taking employment before I pretended to know anything about banking.

"Who is really taking the piss? Me, or the people who failed to notice the impact that my taking early retirement would have on pre-existing pension arrangements, that already took the piss? Oh, me. Well they should have guessed when I nearly pissed myself laughing," joked the ruinous bank CEO with no banking experience or qualifications. "Ha, nearly pissed myself again! Well I am a pensioner now!"

Sir Fred was adamant that he should not forgo any of his pension after having already given up several piss-taking opportunities when conceding significant gestures towards the British taxpayer as they bailed him out with tens of billions of pounds to save RBS from his incompetence.

"All those piss-taking gestures I made seem to be overlooked," said Sir Fred as he gave a taxpayer shop assistant the finger. "For some reason they didn’t give me my 12 month notice period. Running RBS with the taxpayer as an underwriter would have been the biggest piss-take of all."

Sir Fred said that he would not let the utter humiliation of having masterminded the biggest collapse of a bank, the recording of the largest loss in British corporate history and having achieved a nationalisation programme that even Lenin would have been impressed with affect his attitude to business.

"You could call this rewarding failure. Staggeringly incompetent failure," laughed Sir Fred making obscenely large gestures to taxpayers out of his limousine window. "But I vow to keep living, to draw from my £16m piss-taking pension pot until no taxpayer has a pot to piss in."

Government to raise new bail-out funding from Somali Pirates

The government tonight announced a new plan to raise extra bail-out money without further burdening hard pressed taxpayers. The news came in response to requests from the financial services and car manufacturing industries for additional finance to shield them from the free-market capitalism that they no longer wish to take part in, once it transpired that they were rubbish at it.

"We have sunk billions of taxpayer’s gold into the banks, and now need help to break their blockade on lending, Hence we need an infusion of cash from people who have no trouble raising money, Somali Pirates," said the Chancellor of the Exchequer in a statement to the Commons. "This arrangement will reduce the burden on the taxpayer and improve the integrity and ethics of the financial system."

Mr Darling was quizzed by MPs whether it was prudent to do business with an untrustworthy group, driven by their own greed who had a disregard for the rule of law, and responded that he had realised it wasn’t and it was time to stop doing business with bankers.

"We have spent many years sailing in shark infested waters," said Alistair Darling MP. "Therefore it is time to leave the City and head for the safer seas of the Gulf of Aden. Unlike a banker, a Somali pirate may not wear a pin-stripe suit, but at least he has a good grasp of not only an AK-47 but how is own business model actually works."

A pirate leader, Shamun Billingsworthbur, said at a press conference that he was pleased to be doing business with the treasury and joked that his ancestors had a long relationship with Her Majesty’s Government.

"Many, many years ago, my forefather’s business was almost in ruin, due to the hard work and diligence of the Royal Navy on the Pirate Round," he said through his shoulder-based interpreter, Polly. "Generations later, how fitting it is that you should seek out the help of the cut-throats of the seas to rescue your economies now that the Pin-Striped Pirates have all your booty. However, I may be a murderous, condemned scourge, who has murdered the family members I have not sold, but I will not work with Andy Hornby. Even I have standards."

Bank maps out new bonus structure for bank project to review bank bonus structure

Bosses at Lloyds TSB responded to criticism of their intention to pay staff bonuses, following the announcement that the group has lost nearly £11bn, by announcing a comprehensive review focussing on staff remuneration.

"We have instigated a high priority project, Project Trough, which will outline a new pay scheme for our bank-staff, rewarding only those that have really screwed the maximum out of each customer," said Sir Leonard Billingsworth, CFO of Lloyds Banking Group. "I mean really screwed them. It is important we hold onto those people. When the project completes there will be big bonuses for all involved. Really huge ones if it should complete even remotely on-time!"

The wide ranging project will be structured to ensure that shareholders in the bank can clearly see exactly how salaries and bonuses are distributed.
"Right at the heart of Project Trough will be several 'Pay Investigation Groups' composed of staff from all levels," explained Billingsworth. "Our customers, who are also taxpayers that have been compelled to become shareholders in our incompetence, will see from the P.I.Gs sticking their noses right into the heart of the Trough exactly what they have got for their money."

Whilst the new project has met with appreciation from politicians of all persuasions who see it as focussing the spotlight of public scrutiny onto the pay of the banking community they are not sure it will work for everyone working in the public sector.

"Certainly bankers have squandered huge amounts of taxpayer's money and have a bonus system to fall back on," said a Labour peer. "There are hundreds of people that have wasted even more enormous sums who are not as fortunate. We in the Lords have to make do with creative use of the expenses scheme and the bulging envelopes we receive from lobbyists for helping to shape the nation's laws. So we welcome the bankers being the subject of this distraction of public scrutiny."

Arsene Wenger to watch live Arsenal matches on TV: “fed up not seeing incidents on pitch”

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is to stop attending football matches after yet again being unable to view the action on the pitch. Previously Mr Wenger had complained about the visibility at Arsenal's Emirates stadium but has now vowed to watch all matches, home and away, from the comfort of his own sofa.

"I have been unable to see any of the action for years," said Wenger after Arsenal's goalless draw with London rivals Tottenham Hotspur. "The only action in the Spurs game was Emmanuel Eboue's sending off, and I couldn't see it because someone stood up in front of me."

The diminutive Mr Wenger, 6ft 4in, said he has long struggled to see games, often missing the key moments involving his player's lack of discipline and has repeatedly asked for a booster cushion, or perhaps a step-ladder, to be installed in the Arsenal dugout.

Arsenal said that they believed the long-standing issues of Mr Wenger being able to see anything that happens on the pitch had been solved by the design of the home dugout at their new Emirates stadium where, unlike Highbury, the manager’s seat faces the pitch. Although they conceded there was still the issue of the pillar that drops directly into Wenger’s eye line at the moment an Arsenal player pulls out a knife.

"Every game is the same, it is getting embarrassing having to admit in interviews that I didn't see an incident involving one of my players trying to take an opponent's head off," said Mr Wenger. "However just at the crucial moment someone always stands in front of me, or the bloke with the big hat returns to his seat."

Mr Wenger said that it had happened so many times that people simply do not believe him any more when he says he didn’t see an incident and that the away match at Spurs was the last game he would be attending live.

"People were barely hiding their laughter when I said that I hadn't seen the Eboue incident but it is true," said the Frenchman. "I couldn't believe it when the blimp landed on the touchline and the bloke with the big-afro hairdo got out and sat down in front of me. Again."

Teenagers complain of anti-social pensioners reading aloud

Teenagers up and down the country are bemoaning a new fad of reading out loud that seems to be sweeping through the senior citizen population. With half-term approaching it is feared that this behaviour could drive more and more teenagers from the buses and force them to walk all the way to the nearest Gregg’s pasty shop.

"It’s, like, so, like, rude. Innit?" said Chardonnay, 14 from Plumstead in South London. "We is like on the 96, right? Few of us girls. Innit? And we are trying to listen to Shabney’s music. She got the volume right up on her phone but we don’t hear, like, nothin’ ‘cos of, like, some old dear at the, back, reading aloud some rubbish about a bitches’ Detective Agency in Africa."

The phenomena is seen to be the latest step in anti-social behaviour on public transport and something else that delay-weary passengers must contend with.

"It really is quite terrible now," said one middle-aged commuter who didn’t want to be named

"When I have sloped off work early I often have to share my train with old and young people alike. A couple of years ago we would be whizzing through the country listening to the tinny screeching of Chris Brown, or Rhianna, from a mobile phone. Now it’s all people reading sections from ‘Captain Correlli’s Mandolin’ and bits from discarded copies of the Metro at the tops of their voices."

Many commuters find that middle-aged people have taken to the habit of playing audio books through their speakerphones.

"It’s like sitting in Stephen Fry’s living room sometimes," said a commuter. "I have to bring a dictionary with me now just to know if something is rude."

However some of the teenagers said that the disruption caused by older members of society wasn’t all bad as it gave them a rare insight into literature, something that would otherwise be unattainable to them.

"No one at my home can read nothing. Apart from maybe text messages, right?" said Derrington, 15 from Kidbrooke. "Although if one is totally honest one would prefer less about ‘Come Dancing’ and more contemporary cultural references and insights into the human condition. Like."

British economy saved by teachers' mid-week shopping

Today the CBI commended members of the teaching profession for single-handedly turning around the ailing retail economy leading to one of the best start to February in recent years.

"The keenness with which thousands of Head Teachers up and down the land are able to seek out a snowflake and the speed with which they can close a school has brought a welcome boost to the Shopping Centres of the nation," said Sir Digby Billingsworth of the CBI. "Their dedication to leisure is a great boon to hard pressed retailers whose shops are now full of teachers."

"You can’t move for teachers at the moment," said a Starbucks employee at one of their outlets in the Bluewater shopping centre in Kent. "They are sitting here with travel brochures out planning what to do with their ten weeks holiday."

The National Union of Teacher’s defended its members’ decisions to close schools saying that no one took them lightly, but that it was in the best interests to close the schools immediately after the weekend.

"The schools are closed for safety reasons, why risk children’s health on slippery playgrounds? By keeping them out of school they can throw ice at each other and toboggan down motorway sliproads instead," said a spokesman for the Union. "Of course this causes problems for childcare for which our members get grief, but it is a no-win situation. If we don’t close the schools the head teachers get it in the neck from their spouses unable to get to Ikea whilst it’s quiet."

Many teachers said that the closures had played havoc with their own plans for the week but they were confident that the disruption could be absorbed in the rest of the schedule.

"I am hopeful that my Sky Plus box will record the rest of ‘Loose Women’, because I hadn’t seen it before and it was quite good," said a teacher from Eltham, South London. "And that Jeremy Kyle programme is crazy!"

Staff at Watercliffe Meadow ‘Place for idiots to pretend to be teachers’ said that they were using the inclement weather as a teaching aid.

"Obviously we don’t call it snow, we tell the children it is ‘flakes of the sky’s inhospitableness’," said Linda Billingsworth, head teacher. "In science we are helping the children explore their feelings for winter,"

Geography teachers up and down the country, apart from Watercliffe Meadow where they are known as "Earth Mother Physiography Emotional Guides", now post regular snow reports to Twitter subject #cantBeArsedTodayIsItSnowingAnywhere.

Survey says “It’s, like, well harder being a kid now innit?”

The latest survey into childhood has concluded that it is a lot harder to be a child today than for previous generations, an experience echoed by a great number of children interviewed today, when they should have been at school.

"Like, in the olden days right, it was a lot easier. Space Invaders, yeah, how easy was that? It ain’t ‘Gears of War’, innit?" said Maria Billingsworth, Director of the Children’s society.

The report said that even though today’s children had better education, health and more possessions you really couldn’t tell from the way they behaved.

"Better education. What does that mean? Oh, I knew that. Well school is boring innit?" said, Calum, 12. "All the computers, right, they’re, like, well locked down so you can’t get to YouTube or nothing. No porn gets through either. We can’t learn nothing."

The Children’s Society said that the little darlings, whilst not having to work at an early age like many generations before, nor go hungry, want for clothes, or even a roof over their heads since the German bombing stopped nearly 70 years ago, have it harder now.

"If you is like a 15 year old girl now, you have to stay at home with your parents until you is given a council house at 18, right. Well that’s well bad if you have a baby. Innit," said the Director of the Children’s society.

The Children’s Society claimed that Britain’s children today live in squalor and deprivation that would make Charles Dickens blanch – some of Britain’s middle class children only have one games console and a year old mobile phone – and laid the blame squarely at the feet of working mothers.

"Many parents, right, they are working, yeah? Children need love and affection?" said Billingsworth. "If you is a working mum, who is going to be there to applaud when the kids want to show what they can do with their new knife?"

The outlook for today’s children is so bleak that a group of a dozen child soldiers in war torn Congo launched a deadly raid on a government stronghold with the aim to secure enough funds to ensure that every British child has a DVD player in their bedroom.

Nurse suspended after offering to get patient a witch-doctor

Nurse Caroline Billingsworth was suspended in December after a patient she was visiting objected to the offer of a prayer to aid in her recovery and having a local Shaman visit to boost her juju.

"She was very, very caring," said Belinda Worthing, 70, a patient from North Somerset. "But I really didn't fancy her offer of having a goat slaughtered and its entrails read on my kitchen table."

Nurse Billingsworth says she puts great faith in an otherworldly supreme presence that is doing amazing things in her life and she is keen to offer assistance to help patients with their recovery.

"Of course I normally start with a simple prayer," said Billingsworth. "However once you have opened Pandora's Mumbo-Jumbo box, then why stop at Christianity? Several of my patients welcome the attention of a West African witch-doctor and having their diagnosis confirmed by a throw of his Sheep Knuckles."

According to the complaint filed with the local NHS Trust, Billingsworth then asked if Mrs Worthing had been good during the year, because Father Christmas had been watching and may give her a present of being healthy again. However Billingsworth denied that this took place.

"Mrs Worthing is a lovely old dear, but you know she is 70," said the suspended nurse. "She was confused by which mystical overseer with a large beard who frightens people into good behaviour and deals in favours I was talking about. I was referring to the Maharishi."

North Somerset NHS Trust said that it suspended Nurse Billingsworth pending an investigation, but said that it was in not way trying to restrict the religious practices of any of its staff.

A spokesman for the NHS was sympathetic with the Nurse's predicament: "To be honest, what with MRSA, rat infestations and the like, a patient may as well start praying as coming to one of our hospitals."

Everyone in Britain to be turned into hate-filled, venom-spitting imbeciles by 2012

The government’s newly announced policy to ensure every home in the UK has access to broadband Internet services will hasten the day when the entire country is filled with screaming morons hell bent on abusing each other and themselves into frothy-mouthed oblivion.

"Britain already has a large number of abusive web-surfers that lead the world in swearing content creation," said Culture Secretary Andy Burnham in his statement to the commons. "We need an infrastructure capable of preparing Britain to compete with the multi-phobic insanity that will increasingly be served up by the international Internet community. How else can everything be blamed on the gays?"

The government is concerned that, whilst Britain’s online community can hold its own in the all-out self-abuse stakes, the future will be about spreading conspiracies by online video generation. This is an area in which the paranoia-fuelled xenophobia of US Internet users currently excels.

"We need lots of bandwidth, Britons should not be waiting to upload some badly researched movie to YouTube to tell the world that everything is under the control of Mossad. We all know there is nothing worse than having your porn suddenly pause mid-stream whilst you are right in the middle of the chimp impression." Mr Burnham told MPs.

The government also said that as the credit-crunch bites in the coming years the UK economy will increasingly become dependent upon buying and selling online as much as traditional economics.

"Without a world-leading digital infrastructure Britons risk have their bids "sniped" on Ebay with mere seconds to go," said the Culture Secretary. "For an economy based upon used dressing-gowns, ALF alarm clocks and Farrah Fawcettt posters, bandwidth will be vital to secure the next 10 pack of Whiskers cat food for the childrens’ lunches."

David Cameron, an innovative technology adopter who reaches out to the online electorate through his Webcameron video journals, disagreed that the government’s proposals amounted to anything new.

"Brown is a totally lame looser," the leader of the opposition wrote in his blog on conservatives.com. "FAIL!!!11! What a gay sweaty-sock fucktard."

Do you go to the loo, to do a poo? Then this is for you!

Yes, for those of us that regularly use a toilet and whilst sitting there wish to read a satire on many aspects of are lives, or at least how we used to live last year, then this really is what you have been waiting for - The World As It Should be - Volume III. Nestling within this book, designed especially for the smallest room are 160 warm and absorbent pages of news satire covering politics, crime, technology, celebrity, journalism, health. In fact all of the things you see in the category cloud on the right of this very page!

For those of you, your majesty, that of course sit on throne for entirely different reasons, this book is also perfect for those trips on the royal train.

For those lucky people who never actually go to the toilet, supermodels that normally throw-up their food for example, it is also perfect for bus journeys.

For those of you who have abandoned paper, there is an electronic version to download to your portable device and read in the loo. Personally I think you are pushing it a bit since even the wipe clean front of an iPhone isn’t that absorbent. I shudder to think of the consequences for you or the machine of using a Blackberry.

So GET IT NOW before the puppy drags it across the landing: - The World As It Should be Volume III.

Also available are Volume I and Volume II – for satire of a bygone age.

All print and electronic versions are available at Lulu.com

New medical condition known as “publicist’s balls” discovered

The British Medical Journal today published an article describing the newly identified condition known as "publicist’s balls". The news comes after the revelation that the medical condition called "cello scrotum" is in fact a hoax dating back to the 1970s.

"There are millions of sufferers of "publicist’s balls" in the UK, and the complaint is growing," explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, a maverick behavioural scientist currently serving 6 months in Broadmore. "The condition is spread mainly from marketing departments and is often carried in product advertisements masquerading as the publication of survey results."

Medical professionals say that some of the worst cases of the condition are in the beauty industry in which there is normally a fresh outbreak of "publicist’s balls" every week.

"It seems that the condition breeds rapidly within the warm, moist and unchallenging environment of women’s magazines," said Professor Billingsworth during moments of lucidity. "However it really thrives in the unsanitary conditions of the Internet."

"Publicist’s balls" has reached epidemic proportions within the pages of tabloid newspapers in between wars and on the websites of political parties at any time of day or night.

Despite the ease with which people in the 21st century can get access to information the area thought by many to be the seat of an early outbreak of "publicist’s balls" is still in a highly irritating state.

"The condition can be passed easily with word of mouth contact," explained Billingsworth. "Once a new outbreak of "publicist’s balls" occurs near a homeopathic remedy then it can be highly contagious and there is no known cure. You need a witch doctor."

Even the rational medical profession has come under attack, with dozens of cases of "publicist’s balls" being identified in the management offices of NHS trusts, government departments and changing rooms of golf-courses up-and-down the land.

"Despite the best efforts of the medical profession itself to remain infection free there are localised outbreaks occurring in medical journals," said the professor. "I myself have taken part in many deep cleans. Let me ask you - is milk good or bad for you? Don’t know? You are suffering from "publicist’s balls" too."

Radical broadcaster Sky News comes out of hiding - from behind Auntie’s skirts

The world’s leading source of news from Rupert Murdoch today slipped a press release out from under the BBC’s protective skirts and admitted that it wasn’t prepared to show the Gaza appeal for humanitarian aid either.

"Sky News has reviewed the DEC appeal and can confirm that there is nothing in it about Rupert Murdoch or his interests," said a spokesman for Sky News. "This is a question of being absolutely impartial in our output and we simply aren’t."

The announcement was met with headlines and opinion from other News Corporation sources, a selection are given below:-

• "Israeli attack on Gaza - undamaged Murdoch empire requires no aid" - The Times
• "Gaza residents - Free Sky Plus box with every dish installed on your rubble." – The Sun
• "BBC boobs reveals Sky’s tits" – News of the World

Sky took its decision like the responsible broadcaster it pretends to be by featuring reports on the BBC’s decision not to show the appeal and by loading Sky’s website stories with people’s outrage at the BBC.

"We aren’t expecting many people to demonstrate against our decision," said the spokesman, "Few Sky subscribers can get off their sofa on a January morning, and fewer still are capable of walking a few miles."

Sky News today held an impartial interactive survey asking it’s red-button thumping viewers "Is Sky News right to follow the BBC? – vote "Yes" or "No the BBC is wrong".

However one of the Sky News crack news reporters said that she did not understand why there was so much debate given the past record of the subject matter.

"I don’t understand the fuss," said lunchtime news anchor Kay Billingsworth. "I mean does Gazza really need the money so much, maybe he should just stop drinking."

REVIEW : Writer tries out new voice recognition software oh lovely, two sugars please

After several months reviewing voice recognition software as a productivity that was Lady Ga Ga and Just Dance, next up we have aid the results have been mixed at best. Indeed this review is being dictated using Take it Down Ultimate Edition from Billingsware.

Can you turn the radio down love? I am trying to write the review. Now where was I?

Computer operations, such as starting programs and minimising windows are straightforward enough although it can be surprisingly cumbersome to use the phrase "minimise Word" when a simple mouse click will suffice. Bugger Word’s gone now, maximise Word.

Care must be taken with accents although the software does have a "native" setting that appears to be Geordie. This means that you can get access to the Start Menu with "Haweh", open Internet Explorer by saying "porn" and send a file to the recycle bin by shouting "shite".

Our experience of voice recognition software has been generally good, although even after many months of "training" it can still suffer from confusion over homophones. This can result inn recognised text being scattered with watt appears two be spelling or grammatical errors requiring extensive manual editing get down Tiddles, I’ll feed you in a minute, which somewhat reduces its efficiency as a tool.

However it is undeniably cool to have the words simply pop-up on the screen as you let the flow of conscious mess conscience ideas simply take there their own path to the page and it definitely frees the mind to really focus on the subject at hand god her mother really is fat.

For best operation use only in silent environments – you may have problems in a crowded office.

Most of the software on the market can be configured for sound levels, dictation speeds and can have "safety words" added so that the recording can be stopped immediately. Care must be taken to avoid the chosen word being uttered by mistake.

Below is an extensive explanation 35 point how-to for optimising the configuration. Sorry for the length but we think the detail will help users get the most out of the software.

1 – Changing the safety word to fruitbat

Man with woeful credit record successfully obtains £100bn mortgage despite the Credit Crunch

A man from Westminster with an extremely poor credit record successfully secured a mortgage despite the tight credit restrictions imposed by the high-street lenders. The man who has only lived in his current residence for about 18 months was able to secure the loan with the help of some 30 million guarantors.

"To be honest I expected it to be harder," explained Alistair Darling. "But in the end all I had to do was put up the nation’s schools and hospitals as collateral. They are now mortgaged to the hilt."

Mr Darling said that the £100bn would be given to the high street lenders so that they could lend it back to his guarantors, and to stave off the threat of unemployment.

"It’s bad enough having a Jock as a neighbour," said the MP for Edinburgh Southwest. "I am not going back to being a back bench MP. I can’t understand a word my constituents say."

There have been questions about how a scheme based upon charging people to borrow their own money would work. Mr Darling dismissed the criticisms as the proposals have been thoroughly vetted by Zimbabwe based accountants MC Escher.

"It’s like that thing about going back in time and killing your grandfather," said the Chancellor. "Basically I borrow from Peter to give to the Bank of Paul to lend to Peter. As Peter pays it back to the Bank of Paul it is paid back to me and in theory puts Peter back into credit. Or something, have you got a question on sport?"

Asked what would happen if the people receiving the loans from the banks that received the loans from the people borrowing the money fail to pay the money back, the Chancellor was overcome with a blank look.

"Bugger me, it hurts my head to think about it, so I try not to," he said after a lie down. "Apparently if Peter fails to pay the Bank of Paul back, then the Bank of Paul goes into debit against Peter as well. Peter then must foreclose on the Bank of Paul and absorb Peter’s debts as his own – which they are and are not. I imagine he will just turn up at his own home with a couple of mates take his own telly and beat the shit out of himself."

Peter from Doncaster disagreed. "It is more likely is that I will turn up in Downing Street with some flaming torches and a hate-filled mob," he said. "I am about a week away from having to eat cold dog food. And Sainsbury’s own brand at that."

United States begins its 25th “new era of change” since the early 20th Century

Following the inauguration of the USSA's new King, millions of ordinary Americans wait expectantly to embark upon the latest, and greatest, era of change since the last one eight years ago.

"I have been to so many inaugurations, so many eras that have changed America," said Harvus Billingsworthski III, a resident of Washington D.C and a keen supporter of President Barack Obama. "'Change we can believe in', to me is the most believable of the eras of change. Although 'Reformer with results' was a powerful message from 2001, but that was a different time, after the sour end of the previous presidency."

Harvus, a retired steelworker and local political campaigner said that it is openness to change that makes America so great.

"I was here to hear Clinton talk about 'People for a change' and that really got to me," said Mr Billingsworthski. "Of course the country was struggling with a wrecked economy, so many people lining the parade who had lost their jobs, looking for hope. You know millions of Americans didn’t have any form of healthcare back then. But that was seventeen years ago."

Indeed the America of 2009 is also a very different country from that of 1976 when Jimmy Carter, the ‘Leader for a Change’ embarked on a programme of reforms. In the seventies the US was racked with energy problems, spiralling fuel costs, rising unemployment, suffering from a crippled overseas image and being on the brink of war with Iran.

"Of all of the important messages the President has to give, he has to tell us how things are going to be different, and how we are never going to return to the old ways. I was only a child when I stood here, watching FDR be sworn in. March 1933 it was. A glorious sight, him in this wonderful top hat in the open top limousine, his wife by his side," said Billingsworthski. "We have come so far since those dark days. Back in the thirties we had a totally collapsed financial system, huge unemployment and millions without any form of healthcare."

Today the spirit of the people lining the streets of Washington and watching the televisions of America has been lifted to an enthusiastic, almost ecstatic level as a great man leads a once great country through a new era of change for millions to believe in. For many it will be their first era of change.

"Mind you inauguration days are one thing, but he has to start work tomorrow," said George from Texas, who was recently let go from his job in Washington. "In 18 months my fellow Americans will probably just think of him as a deceitful-do-nothing-political-establishment-big-business-serving twat like me and turn to the next one of my family who has good hair."

God: “Pleased to be back in the game” after Hudson River crash

After a long time out of the limelight God said at a press conference today that He was pleased to be back in the game and administering to the faithful after His triumphant last minute saving of the passengers of US Airways Airbus A320 flight 1549.

"I was a touch nervous at first, you know, can I still play at the top level? You have to have some doubts after such a long time away," said the Almighty. "However I was just pleased I was able to come off the bench and make a difference, save a few souls. This was for the fans that‘ve had so much faith in Me. The American fans are awesome, man."

The Lord was speaking in response to several commentators, such as Senator Charles Schumer, saying that it was a miracle no one was killed when the 70 tonne plane hit the freezing water of the Hudson River in New York and giving thanks to God.

"Well, I can’t take all the credit, because you know I was only in the game for the last couple of minutes," He said. "If I had been able to be involved from the start I might have blown the plane and the flock of geese apart, or maybe made it a glancing blow on the fuselage. A goose can break a man’s engine you know. A bit of the credit has to go to the pilot, and all the training the aircrew have. And the ferry crews. And to Airbus, they sure built a good plane! But yeah, I saved the day. Woo! Yeah!"

God then opened the floor to questions and was asked why He delayed His return so long. He was asked if He should have been involved with the XL Airways Airbus A320 that crashed into the Mediterranean killing all on board, or the Spanair Flight JK 5022 from Madrid in which 154 people died as well as the hundreds of other accidents over the years.

"Well, you see I am married to every nun, " said God. "And that means I always have a load of Shelves to put up."

Heathrow plans new 3rd runway on the River Thames

Planning agreement has been reached for a new third runway for Heathrow airport and, in a surprise compromise with campaigners to protect the nearby village of Sipson, the new runway will be laid out in the waters of the River Thames.

"Following recent trials with an Airbus A320 in New York’s Hudson River, we are pleased to announce the location of Heathrow’s third runway will extend westwards from the Isle of Dogs," explained BAA spokesman Gregory Billingsworth. "The planes will be able to drift to the new arrival gates at either Greenwich or London Bridge, depending on the tide."

However the plan has already met with protests from celebrities who have new movies to promote.

"I am trying to buy a piece of the river under Tower Bridge to try to save the historic water from having a large plane splash onto it," said a dishevelled Emma Thompson who had just finished walking from Los Angeles to London. "It is madness - the damage that will be done to the pristine, natural environment of London by introducing a third runway and also what will I look like in the tabloids, my hair goes all frizzy when it is wet and yellow lifejackets just aren’t my colour."

BAA said the planned river runway showed the airport’s continued desire to be part of Britain’s world class integrated transport network.

"How much more integrated do you want? There is a regular clipper service running up the river which connects with train services," said Billingsworth. "Sure your luggage may be returned to you soaking wet and covered in silt and any fish in your cases will have to come out of your baggage allowance, but it is a huge improvement upon Terminal 3."

Is Johnny Ethnic too sensitive about so-called “racist” language?

Whilst Prince Harry’s usage of the phrase "our little Paki friend" and referring to "ragheads" took place three years ago it now transpires that Prince Charles and his former polo-pony Camilla continually refer to an Asian friend as "Sooty" and rarely a day goes by without Prince Philip using the term "dego, slant-eyed, chink, wap of a paki-wog curry-eating paddy" when referring to the Prime Minister.

"I think the question for Britain to ask herself is whether or not the time has come to re-evaluate how we refer to people from the colonies," said language historian Sir Hillary Billingsworth. "It is not what you say, it is how you say it. For example people from Pakistan object to hearing the term ‘paki’ because they are aware it comes with the silent suffix ‘bastard’ whereas Australians happily respond to ‘aussie’ because they are too dense to understand the implied add-on ‘git’."

Mr Billingsworth said that it was this subtlety that made the English language the richest in the world but it was sophistication lost on those foreigners that claim it as their first language with seemingly many Britons also failing to understand.

"Those that are apologising for the Royals simply don’t grasp the beauty of unstated menace," said Billingsworth a professor at the Jeremy Kyle University. "Whilst American tourists smile at being called ‘yanks’ by a darling cabbie charging them £150 for the apparent two hour ride from the Houses of Parliament to the London Eye, via Heathrow, they need to understand the prefix ‘stupid fat’ goes without saying."

The same he said was true for the lower orders – ‘thieving’ was a given when used with the friendly term ‘scouser’ and paddies should be aware of the ‘drunken’ and ‘git’ brackets that readers of the The Telegraph see written between the lines.

"I want to make it clear, this isn’t xenophobic, racist or even class-based, it can apply to many other things," explained Sir Hillary. "For over half a century the suffix ‘twat’ has been applied to the phrase ‘Daily Mail Reader’."

Emma Thompson prepared to fly to Hollywood, so you don’t have to

Hollywood star Emma Thompson added her support to the campaign to ensure that you are as sweaty and stressed as possible at check-in by helping to purchase a small piece of land to block the expansion of Heathrow airport.

"Travelling across the world is not something for the ordinary public, they are hardly ever photographed at the airport," said Ms Thompson, star of the Chicago based film ‘Stranger than Fiction’. "Everyone should think about the environment as much as I do on the long-haul flights to LA for the Oscars."

The Hollywood star said that she was prepared to fly as often as her career needed to ensure that other people did not have to suffer the pangs of conscience of contributing to Climate Change through their travel habits.

"Really, everyone should just stay at home and watch my DVDs. I am prepared to fly to Hollywood as often as possible to ensure that there are plenty of DVDs in the shops," said the star that uses exclusive VIP areas at airports. "We will fight the Heathrow development, even if we have to farm turkeys. No one wants to see another series of my sketch show ‘Thompson’ do they? No? Ah Well."

Other stars have joined the Greenpeace campaign - that aims to control where UK citizens travel in the world - by contributing to the purchase of the football-pitch sized piece of land.

"My career is largely UK based, and so I am more than happy to restrict everyone else’s freedom to travel," said impressionist Alistair McGowan waving a spade threateningly. "Anyway, I haven’t been on TV much recently so a spot on the news might be good. I can do David Beckham you know."

Greenpeace said it welcomed the assistance of the high-profile celebrities and believes their commitment was more than just naïve attention seeking from stars whose films have included locations in Morocco, Venice and New York.

"They are really in it for the long-haul – pardon the pun," said Ernest Billingsworth, a Greenpeace spokesman. "Emma has a lot of empathy to bring to the cause, which she demonstrated when filming ‘Imagining Argentina’ on the streets of Buenos Aires – however she got there."

It is understood that Ms Thompson is planning to construct an environmentally sound cottage on her patch of land near the planned Heathrow extension. Building of her ecological ‘Sanctimonium’ will commence as soon as she has got over the long walk back from presenting at this week’s Golden Globe ceremony in Los Angeles.

David Cameron: “Tories would inspire confidence in ordinary hard-working Conservative members of the cabinet”

The leader of the opposition, David Cameron, today expressed his belief that the Conservatives would be able to "wipe the slate clean" and help promote economic recovery.

"Well frankly the Cameron economy would recover quite splendidly, the PM gets about £190k a year!" explained Mr Cameron, "I only get about £130k a year now from the state, so that is an increase of, well. I will ask my old Buller man Osborne, he is good at numbers."

Mr Cameron stressed that it wasn’t just his own personal income on which he was focussing, There are, he said more wide-ranging benefits to the UK economy from a Tory government.

"When I said I supported New Labour spending plans, and then changed my mind and said I didn’t, well I was being entirely consistent. What we don’t need to do is cut-back on chauffeur driven cars, flights around the world and dinner with important people," said the leader of the opposition. "The taxpayer only gives me about £600k a year for that. And most of the people I meet have never heard of me."

Mr Cameron said that it was the ordinary taxpayer that would benefit most from a Conservative government but that they should not expect it to be in the form of a cut in taxes or slashed public spending.

"The average hard working Britain needs hair to aspire to. Look at mine, it is shiny and can part in either direction. Think what I can do with an extra 50? Thanks George, 50% per cent salary? I could have highlights," said the former thirsty Oxford Bullingdon Club member. "The important thing here is to make sure that spending on things such as ministerial pay, overseas heads of government meetings and so on are kept up as that will inspire confidence in Prime Minister David Cameron. Oh yes, people in New York will know who I am when I am called that.

"In fact, while we are on the subject of substantive political issues and economic policies," he continued. "You know you can have a big, centralised style that no one likes and that doesn’t change, such as Gordon Brown’s, or you can have something that changes with the wind, flip-flopping from the left to the right as needed to make me look appealing. The same is true of my hair."