Marathon runner dresses as “runner”

Victor Billingsworth, an enthusiastic club runner from Hemel Hempstead today completed the London Marathon in an elaborate costume of running singlet, shorts and trainers, much to the amazement of the millions of spectators that lined the route.

"I couldn’t believe what I was seeing," said Jane from Colchester. "The children said that there was a funny man on the course and when I looked I was astonished not to see him in a dress, a Storm Trooper outfit or in a Womble suit."

Mr Billingsworth said that he had wanted to stand out from the thousands of charity runners taking part and wanted to be sure to be seen by friends and family who had come to support him.

"It is probably the most difficult part of your pre-race preparation," said Victor after he completed the course in a personal best 3 hours and forty-four minutes. "You spend weeks trying on different outfits to get the right look. In the end I went for a red running vest. My friends thought I was mad."

Mr Billingsworth’s wife, Simone, said that she thought he was insane to attempt to run over twenty-six miles in the outfit of a runner.

"I was worried he might get cold, what with not having the fur of a large teddy-bear costume or the sun-catching, dark garb of a Batman outfit," she said. "All the attention his outfit has been getting is embarrassing."

Not only did Mr Billingsworth not even doff his cap t tradition by the simple act of cross-dressing, he completely failed to take along even the most basic of marathon running equipment.

"I did get a few comments from people who wanted to know where my bucket to put cash in was, or why I wasn’t pretending to ride a large, blue ostrich," said Billingsworth. "But that just motivated me further to show all the doubters and do my talking through my times through each checkpoint."

Mr Billingsworth, a children’s entertainer and professional clown, said that his first round of sponsorship for the marathon dressed as ‘an average runner’ had so far raised over £3m.

Price of photocopier paper balloons during Zimbabwean election counting

The crisis hit economy of Zimbabwe was further rocked today with the news that sheets of A4 photocopier paper were now trading at over Zim$600,000 each. Even in a country used to rampant inflation and shortages of even the most basic of foodstuffs the news has shocked people at all levels of society.

“I had never really believed my country was in such a mess until I had an emergency need to copy some documents,” said office worker Robert Mugabe from Harare. “I have hundreds of thousands of ballot papers to photocopy in a hurry.”

As is so often the case with such economic troubles it is those that can afford it least that are hit the hardest.

“I have personally had to beat several civil servants until they gave over their stocks of paper,” said Mr Mugabe. “If the paper prices stay at this level it will mean complete disaster for the UN food-aid budget, if I can get my hands on it.”

There are concerns that should the crisis in the cost of paper continue over the next few days it might lead to outbreaks of looting.

“I am seriously considering deploying troops on the streets, “ explained Mr Mugabe. “I may have to send them in to raid my local branch of Rymans.”

The economic impact of the news may have far reaching consequences for other parts of the Zimbabwean economy and for the already fragile nature of the country’s money supply.

“It is important that the will of the Zimbabwean people is accurately reflected in this election. Such as by casting a retrospective ballot in my favour on behalf of millions of dead people,” said Mugabe. “To help with officials’ concerns and to be most efficient with such a limited resource, I have asked the Zimbabwean mint to copy the ballot papers straight onto million dollar banknotes.”

Shocking Tolkein manuscript to be sold at auction

Inspired by the £60,000 sales price for a first edition of JRR Tolkein’s ‘The Hobbit’, a collector in Solihull has revealed details of a collection of hand-written manuscripts by the author.

"I found it in an old tea chest of oddments I bought at a car boot sale in Oxford," said retired market trader ‘Sailor’ Harry Billingsworth. "I didn’t realise it could possibly be so important as it just seemed to be a bit of whimsical nonsense about fairies or something."

The manuscript is an early draft of Tolkein’s famous ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy although in its hand-written form and under an earlier title of ‘Swords and Things’.

"Clearly he is just getting to grips with his saga. The setting isn’t in the majestic middle-earth, for instance, " explained Billingsworth. "’Swords’ is set in Middlesborough."

Mr Billingsworth explained that the cast of characters was also very different from the litany of Orcs and Wizards we have come to know so well over the decades.

"We may now think of Hobbits as little, jovial, carousing adventurers, but in this early manuscript it appears Tolkein had less affection for them, referring to them as ‘drunken short-arsed gits," said ‘Sailor’. "Instead of living in the ‘pastoral land of the shire’, they instead ‘wallow in the shite’."

There are references to the rich tapestry of the fantasy world back-story that has spawned an entire industry, although perhaps it would have been less successful had the original imaginings seen the light of day.

"The elves were so central to the battles throughout the history of middle-earth," said Billingsworth. "It is surprising to find that they were originally described as ‘those massed ranks of the tree-dwelling, pointy-eared twats’."

The manuscript was found hidden in an old medicine cabinet that is believed to have belonged to Tolkein during his distinguished professorship at Oxford, during the time he wrote ‘The Hobbit’ and ‘Lord of the Rings’.

"I just opened the old cabinet and under several packets of ‘Mr Hollingberry’s Fabulous Powders’ were a couple of battered old notebooks full of strange drawings of dragons," explained the hopeful seller.

In addition to revealing some surprises about the origins of the saga of Arda the notebooks are said to also contain writing that was a complete break with Tolkein’s preferred ‘High Fantasy’ genre.

"There are some 25 recipes in there for a collection entitled ‘How to cook those Wild Mushrooms at the Bottom of your Garden’, said Billingsworth. "There is also a self-help book entitled ‘Write whatever you can remember when you wake up face down in your Mushroom Omelette’."

Delia to release even more basic sequel to “How to Cheat at Cooking”

Delia Smith, the world's leading television cook, has announced plans to release a follow up to her latest book 'How to Cheat at Cooking' which has become another of the author’s phenomenally successful guides for the novice chef.

The TV cook says that she came up with the idea for a series of 'cheating' books shortly after her tired and emotional appearance during the half-time break at the Norwich City versus Manchester City game in 2005. After a spirited first half supporting a lacklustre performance from the club in which she is a majority shareholder, Norwich, she took to the microphone and appealed to "the best football supporters in the world: we need a 12th man here. Where are you? Where are you? Let's be having you! Come on!"

"Obviously I had been supporting the lads hard from the director’s box. When I wrestled the microphone from the club announcer I was so sure they could make more noise because I could see double the official attendance," said the TV cook. "It was then that I wondered how the fans could find the time for fine cuisine and still get to the pub for a few liveners before the game. So I thought I would share a few of my secrets."

Delia said that she often had to knock-up a timesaving recipe using pre-prepared supermarket bought ingredients so that she could take her place at the player’s bar in time for the arrival of the ground staff at dawn.

"If I am running late, I save time by getting the cheesecake straight from Sainsbury’s," said the nation’s favourite cook. "I can let it defrost on the radiator at the Wetherspoon’s near the ground whilst I have a quick eye-opener before the game. And a go on the quiz machine."

Delia said that if it is a mid-week game then she has all the extra pressures of her busy media career to contend with and this can further reduce her time to prepare for the big match.

"When you are in a rush don’t be afraid of canned ingredients, they are something you can just get out and they save loads of time," she said. "After a hard day and a head long rush to the ground in time for kick-off I find that a can of Tennent’s Super on the bus acts as a good relaxer."

Many aspiring chefs wish to cook all their ingredients from scratch, however here Delia has a tip from her years of experience when trying to arrange a late night supper.

"Hopefully the Canaries will have won, and after a few swift halves in the player’s dressing room, it is time to head home. However it is usually late, and whilst there is nothing better for supper than the famous Flemish beef in beer dish - ‘Carbonnade de boeuf à la flamande’, this is a perfect example of how to cheat at cooking," she said, repeatedly. "I use pre-cooked meat from a kebab and I save even more time by not stirring the beer into the recipe itself, I just wash it straight down with a can of Kestrel Export."

Delia will be holding regular signings of the sequel, entitled ‘Cook by phone – Let’s be having you a takeaway’. Just take your copy along to the burnt-out Astra under the Carrow Bridge most nights after closing time at the ‘Queen of the Iceni’.

Fat gene enabler identified

Scientists have revealed details of the means of operation of the so-called 'fat gene' and its interrelationships with other proteins within the DNA chain. The identification of the gene, known by its genetic identifiers as LRDY, is seen as a breakthrough for millions of sufferers whose bodies are unable to naturally regulate their pie intake.

"The benefits of this large body of research into people's susceptibility to LRDY are numerous. We hope to be able to offer a genetic therapy which can be administered by injection, or orally in say a chocolate milkshake," said the leader of the research team, Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Not only that but during the research we collected enough free burger tokens to keep the population of Glasgow fed for at least 10 minutes. We have about a billion tokens."

The researchers say that those desperate for a reason to cancel their gym membership should check for symptoms which include a compulsion to queue outside a Gregg's Pasty shop and spasms of the nervous system around a salad bar.

A group of very large campaigners welcomed the news from the research team and said that it made an even more compelling case for cream cakes to be made available on the NHS.

"It is such a relief that it is an evolutionary trait dating back hundreds of thousands of years that compels me to drive the few miles to my nearest pub and order six packets of pork scratchings. Three times a day," panted Michaela Billingsworth of the 'Fat and Fit' campaign from the steps of 10 Downing Street. "Oh Jesus, I need a sit down. And a mars bar."

The research team however revealed that there was a statistical link between sufferers of excess LRDY production and the millions of people who suffer from the mental condition known as being 'big boned'.

"Despite the historic discovery made last year, it is clear that being big-boned is a mental disorder," said Professor Billingsworth. "The statistics show that 93% of 'big boned’ sufferers answered positively to the research question 'Would you like fries with that?'"

The LRDY gene exists to a greater or lesser degree in all of us, said the research team, however other proteins in the DNA chain regulate it.

"What is clear is that a person's susceptibility to LRDY is directly related to the production of the protein responsible for the American accent," said Billingsworth.

Fidel Castro steps down as President of Cuba to take up new role at Northern Rock

Fidel Castro, the leader of the Cuban revolution and president of the Caribbean communist outpost, today announced that he would be stepping down to pursue other opportunities.

“Fidel has been our glorious leader for nearly half a century but, at the age of 81 feels that he has achieved all he can in Cuba,” said his younger brother, and de facto president, Raul Castro. “He was very interested by the glorious move of the government of Comrade Brown in the UK to take a whole capitalist-pig-dog bank into the ownership of the proletariat.”

Sources close to the legendary firebrand communist say that Fidel feels that Cuba has grown weak and almost bourgeois, having not been invaded by the US for over 40 years.

“He remembers the glory days during the revolution. We had to sleep rough on a hillside, cooking wild dogs on the remnants of hot coals and drinking the anti-freeze from captured government trucks,” said the younger Castro of his brother. “This is why he feels that there is work for him at Northern Rock and he will also have the chance to get back to that revolutionary peasant lifestyle in the North East of England.”

Mr Castro has said that he is keen to get straight to work at Northern Rock, and will focus initially on revitalising a brand that has lost a great deal of it's credibility in recent months.

“Why-Aye man, we ha' tae tret the future of yon bank carefully, like. Somethin' that fits in with, like, local community would nae be too sackless. So summat like the 'Northern Rock of the Revolution' , 'People's Revolutionary Bank of Newcastle', or 'Comrade Brown's Glorious Co-operative Society', ” said Mr Castro as he descended the steps from his plane at Newcastle International Airport. “Mind, like, I divn't give a shite.”

Insiders within the Cuban regime said that Fidel had been planning his move to Tyneside for some time, indeed for the last 18 months he has only been seen wearing a tracksuit having signed on sick to avoid work.

Prince William “disappointed at missing another fight”

HRH Prince William was said to be deeply upset at having missed out on another chance at combat, having left a drinking den just hours before a fight broke out at a Cornwall night-club.

"He is gutted," said a drinking pal. "This is the second time he has missed out on some fighting after not being sent to Iraq."

In a bizarre repetition of the events that culminated in the Ministry of Defence refusing to deploy the future King into a role for which he had spent many months training, Prince William once again saw all his efforts at preparation for the conflict in the pub in Newquay come to nought as security staff ushered him outside before trouble broke out.

"He'd spent several hours getting into the right frame of mind. His group had downed dozens of shots. He was prepared like any squaddie in a pub," said the pal. "At anyone time they had a stockpile of a dozen glass bottles lined up on the table, ready to go."

The Prince is said to be frustrated at repeatedly missing out on the action. He has publicly devoted much of his time to the most traditional avenues for getting involved in violence – the army and continual and repeated heavy drinking in public.

"He is at a bit of a loss to be honest, every time he tries to get into a punch-up he is thwarted at the last minute," said the friend

"He is in despair and just wants to get away from all the press and public, maybe drop out of public life and try a role in industry."


NEWS UPDATE:

Family firm Billingsworth Bar Snacks today announced that the future King of England, Prince William, had agreed to take up a new role as roving ambassador.

"We think that the Prince can help realise some significant growth in sales using his renowned personal charisma," said Joseph Billingsworth, CEO. "In particular he is keen to try door-to-door sales of our new range of Pork Scratchings at South London mosques."

Sir Paul McCartney offers to conduct divorce settlement under sharia law

In a surprise move the legal team representing Sir Paul McCartney has offered to resolve the differences between him and former wife Heather Mills under sharia law.

"Clearly this whole sorry affair has been going on long enough and so Sir Paul feels that it can be brought to a swifter conclusion by the application of fundamentalist Islamic rulings," said Irene Billingsworth, representing the former Beatle.

Heather Mills, who is representing herself at the current rational hearing, is believed to be considering the offer and will respond in the next couple of days, once she has hired a man to speak on her behalf. The proposal would see Miss Mills receive a substantial monetary settlement before she is stoned to death in a public ceremony at the holy site of the Abbey Road recording studios.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, who today launched a new range of Church of England vestments based on the burka, welcomed the news as confirmation of the theme of his recent speech entitled 'You lot aren't taking bloody Christianity seriously enough'.

"The idea of arbitration based on mystic law is exactly the way we should go and shows that the UK has advanced too far away from the kinds of superstition I have spent my life promoting," said a voice from under several yards of fabric.

Whilst Ms Mills has made no public comment on any aspect of the proceedings, a close friend said that she was considering the suggestion.

"Heather is clearly the victim in this drama. She is the one having to leak scurrilous stories and innuendo to the tabloid media," said the pal. "There is £800m at stake and without portraying herself as a martyr she doesn't have a leg to stand on."

Many social commentators believe that the move would be popular with supporters of both sides of the dispute, dubbed the 'Most Tedious Divorce of the Century', and would certainly be welcomed by the public at large.

"If you sold tickets for the honour killing at Wembley, it would be a sell-out within a few hours," said one tabloid journalist. "During her recent unhinged performances on breakfast TV, there can't have been many people watching who didn't want to stone her themselves."

Axis Of Evil reveals expansion plans

The loose collective of nations known as the 'Axis Of Evil' has announced plans for enlargement from the founding three members of Iraq, Iran and North Korea, to bring other states under its political umbrella.

"We were forged, from what most people thought was just a poor piece of ridiculously simplistic imagery of a world that didn't exist, into states that six years later are right at the heart of the world's political and indeed cultural life," said Ofdad Billingjani, the group's spokesman.

The group says that it's economic and cultural model has captured the imaginations of the world and wants to make this available to other like minded countries.

"A decade ago, before the formation of the AOE, our three founding members were pariah states, shunned by the world, with little political or economic power. Today two of the member states are boasting nuclear capability!" explained Mr Billingjani. "Barely a day goes by without a mention of one of the countries on a US news broadcast, in a British paper or Parisian brothel."

It isn't just current affairs and technology where the Axis Of Evil has taken a pre-eminent role in world affairs; it has grasped the imaginations of leading writers and thinkers across the cultural landscape.

"Hollywood movies are full of references to Iran and Iraq especially, less so North Korea until someone hires a Chinese Elvis impersonator to play Kim Jong-Il," said Billingjani. "Not just that but the Iranian terrorist has replaced the iconic British mastermind as the standard evil stereotype."

The group of three now sees an opportunity to expand and has offered alignment talks with Syria and the emerging totalitarianism of Pakistan.

"We hope to be able to invite more and more nation's that share our ideals, especially Syria, who will probably need a nuke or two in the near future if the US continues its grand tour. With Pakistan being a theocracy effectively under martial law and holding hundreds of nuclear weapons, we feel it can really enhance what we hope to call the Evil 5," said Billingjani.

The E5 sees its future expansion as being intrinsic to it’s economic influence, an area where it feels that pure hatred will never be enough to sustain member states individually.

"We have to co-operate to compete with the big players," said Mr Billingjani. "We hope to create a future in which millions of people can be assured that at least half of the torture equipment being used upon them will bear the inscription ‘Made in the AOE’."

However the nascent E5 has plans to expand outside the Middle East and Asia and into the more developed countries.

"We are an open group of despotic nations. Our plans for enlargement are open to any country that shares our ideals of leadership by irrational theocracy, torture and overt threats to other countries," explained Mr Billingjani. "Indeed, if they can sort out the problems they have with their religious fundamentalists and their weak currency, we hope one day to be able to an extend an invitation to the USA."

QVC presenter lands “dream market stall role”

Giles Billingsworth, one of the leading lights of television shopping, was today celebrating landing one of the prized jobs in his industry when he was confirmed as the face of "Alan's 'lectrics" in the Camden Lock market.

"It was a great opportunity that I simply could not pass-up," said Mr Billingsworth of his new appointment. "You know you work hard all those years knocking out pots and pans and embroidery sets at 2am, this makes it all worthwhile."

Giles, recently voted 23rd in a poll of housewives favourite camp presenters, said that there was fierce competition in the tele-shopping industry to land such career enhancing roles.

"TV shopping is great, but there is more to the true craft than talking to a producer who is pretending to be a caller gushing about a set of tea-towels," said Billingsworth. ""Everyone is trying to get that high-profile role at the front of the stall, dealing with real people directly and tackling real issues – such as why the packaging is damaged and covered in broken glass."

Mr Billingsworth said that he was looking forward not just to a higher profile role at an open air market, compared to a barely watched digital TV channel, but also hoping to explore the true art of selling tat.

"When you tread the boards, you are really part of the creative process," he said. "The real art, where you give so much of yourself to the craft, is less about repeating the same script of product specs night after night. Instead you are able to get a real empathy with your audience. Or whether he is just a nark on the lookout for dodgy DVDs"

For Giles it this intensity of the live performance and not just the money, that had lured him to the open air market.

"The TV role is draining – acting astonished, hour after hour, at each bout of pre-rehearsed price slashing. I wanted to get back to be a true creative, back to the amateur dramatics of the cake stall at my village fête when I was a teenager," he said. "There is nothing like the smell greasy burgers or the roar of the two-stroke generator when you are doing that matinee performance on a Saturday. When you are in a studio, with only the unblinking eye of the cold camera lens for company, you rarely get the thrill of running away from the coppers with a suitcase of knocked-off watches."

Billingsworth says that he has not turned his back on further film and television work in the future, indeed he hopes that if his live performance on the market is a success it will increase his credibility with casting directors on the next rung up the ladder of stardom.

"I want to show my range of talents. I have gone from TV shopping on to market stall level of performance," he said. "After that I hope to move up to a bit part in an independently produced porn movie."

Unemployed man decries Minogue's “double standards”

Sitting, perched on the barstool, Reginald Billingsworth does not outwardly give the impression of a man ruined by a public love affair that spans the globe. Calmly sipping his pint of mild, Billingsworth looks but a percentage of his 58 years: his comb-over receives frequent preening, he frequently sweeps the pork scratching crumbs from the cardigan covering over his paunch.

"It really is outrageous you know, it's political correctness gone mad." says Reginald. His eyes are a bit red and bloodshot, but whether it is from emotion or the jet lag of his flight from Australia, he is not saying. What he does say is that the world is not only mad, but no longer a place for young, athletic, red-blooded males.

"It seems everywhere, not just England, not even just Salford, is pandering to women these days," he says with thinly disguised bitterness. "All I did was rush to the assistance of a woman and express my feelings for her and I get deported. Not only that but the feminazi courts say I have to stay a mile away from Kylie. I can't afford a telephoto lens to cover that distance."

Mr Billingsworth, a victim he says of a society that has simply lost touch with the needs of honest working men like himself, is determined his story should be told. It is, he says far more succinctly than can be written, a warning of the sweeping emasculation of our society.

"I had to save up a lot of my disability benefit for that ticket to Sydney. I haven't been able to work for nigh on thirteen year because of a trapped nerve in my elbow." he said. "I heard that Kylie was unhappy, wanted love, and a family and went to her aid."

According to press reports Kylie Minogue is desperately seeking a family and has got back together with one-time partner Olivier Martinez after he drunkenly phoned her up late one night and has agreed to give her the baby she yearns for.

"I did better than that," said Reginald. "I turned up at her home in Sydney in the early ours, drunk too and offered to get her pregnant right there and then. I'd even got a few Victoria Bitters in. It seems it's one law for handsome, sophisticated, Parisian actors and another for hard-working men from Salford."

Reginald is unbowed by his experience and even being barred from Australia is, he says, no barrier to him being able to share true happiness with one of the women of his fevered dreams.

"I read that Dannii Minogue is complaining she isn't getting enough and she's in that there London for the X-Factor soon," he said. "I don't mind springing for the blonde wig."

MPs to vote on moving House of Commons to Virgin Islands

MPs will today vote on a Private Member's Bill regarding future accommodation for the Mother of Parliaments as the Palace of Westminster faces a highly disruptive period of maintenance. Analysts believe the new temporary offices are likely to be overseas. The timing is thought to be especially favourable for many MPs now that the parliamentary Standards and Privileges Committee has woken up to exactly how much public money finds it’s way to the family members of some MPs.

"I have asked many MPs and taken some advice from my accountant and all are very much in favour of moving the House of Commons to the British Virgin Islands," said Tory MP, Derek Conway. "It is a shame I am having to stand down over my financial dealings, as it would open up a lot of opportunities for my constituents in Old Bexley and Sidcup who have not yet worked in an overseas tax-haven. Such as my wife and sons."

MPs are concerned about the possible disruption caused by even a temporary move of the commons’ chamber lending the British Virgin Islands proposals a great deal of cross-party support. The move would also bring closer those people most important to a constituency MP, his financial advisors.

"Moving the Houses of Commons to a new, purpose-built location will provide 21st century parliamentarians with the office-complex-cum-country-club that they need," said former Wales Secretary and cash enthusiast Peter Hain. "The weather out there would be good for my hard-working secretary - my 80 year old mum."

Those members of parliament thought of as the most conservative could see merit in the idea even if it means a break with tradition and a likelihood of increase costs at such a remote location.

"Whilst it often seems that the old ways are being swept away by the tide of change, we must always look to the future," said Tory MP Sir Nicholas Winterton. "Now that traditional dodges - such as having the public pay the notional rent on a flat in London that one has in trust for one’s children - have been found out, we need to look further afield for new opportunities."

Many political analysts see little downside in the move, saying that it represented a logical step in the modernisation of parliamentary practice.

"I think it would improve the quality and accessibility of parliament to move the commons 5,000 miles to the Caribbean," said Gavin Billingsworth, parliamentary sketch writer for the Daily Express. "You would get a lot more attendance and quality reporting of debates by journalists if they were held at a beach-front bar."

Market analysts “FTSE, NASDAQ, BINGO - no idea what those numbers really mean”

Today global markets were reacting positively to the United States Federal Reserves second dramatic drop in interest rates in as many weeks. On the other hand, possibly to the cute dog that was running around the smoking garden at one brokerage.

Trader’s moods on Wall Street fluctuated as they digested the latest statement from Fed Boss Ben Bernanke and some of the latest performance indicators coming out of the construction sector. However the Dow Jones ended the day rising sharply after a group of traders watched the "Evolution of Dance" video on YouTube.

Market experts such as Callum Billingsworth, 20, Chief Economist with analysts Smith, Smithie and Smythe Associates, have to deal with hundreds of pieces of economic data and statistical reports, to determine the direction the market will take.

"This stock here is being traded heavily and the price is rising right. That is because the market thinks that the latest news regarding inflation will increase retail foot-fall and thus luxury expenditure, such as expensive frothy coffee, will go up," he said. "No wait, that one’s gone red now. That is because the news that unemployment has gone down, no wait, up. And there is some flooding near a shopping centre in …. No it is back in the black now, that is because Gordon Brown’s gone to China to, wait. Red again."

At this point Mr Billingsworth looked for late breaking news from the BBC, Sky and Bloomberg before watching part of the Bugatti Veyron race from ‘Top Gear’, leading him to have a "really good feeling about the prospects of the truffle industry".

"The markets are terribly turbulent at the moment, every different piece of news sends them spiralling up or down. Who knows where it will go next?" said Mr Billingsworth. "Seriously, if your readers have any ideas, we’d love to hear them."

The CAC40 in Paris was suffering another difficult day with more revelations regarding Jerome Kerviel's actions at Societe General being compounded by the news that beleaguered trader’s would face a extra 5 wheezing minutes walk as the nearest Tabac had run out of Gitanes. Millions of Euros were wiped off the values of shares.

However a mood of optimism broke out the FTSE when one of the trader’s reacted quickly to some unexpected housing news from the United States.

"Well it was really quite thrilling," said a trader at the LSE, who didn’t wish to be named, as his family isn’t aware of what he does for a living - to avoid embarrassment he says he is an actor specialising in Donkey Porn. "I suddenly realised that the housing market here is nothing like that in the USA. We are much more sophisticated and stable here. I made a killing and it was all thanks to last night’s ‘A place in the Sun’."

However such loose-cannon behaviour did not go unnoticed and, with the current fear of rogue traders, such independent thinking can be dangerous.

"You have to be careful how you operate, just look at Societe Generale," said another trader who again did not wish to be named in case his wife found out their expensive lifestyle was not made by selling drugs at school gates. "If they had stuck to the City way and just followed whatever shares were moving on the Dow Jones until their hangovers cleared they would still have a pot to piss in."

Scientists admit to Cold Fusion Hoax delay

Leading members of the physics community working on the latest Cold Fusion Hoax today revealed that they are at least 2 years behind schedule.

"We plan to have a cold fusion story in the newspapers every 15 to 20 years or so," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, consultant media scientist to the energy group leading the research. "However it takes quite some time to put together a crack team of credulous tabloid journalists with a C at GCSE chemistry, and this Hoax is going to have to be more sophisticated than it's predecessors, now that the special effects on Dr. Who are so good."

The Cold Fusion Hoax is the Holy Grail of science reporters up and down the land who are keen to file thousands of words of copy with scientific looking diagrams, references to Star Trek and pictures of the 'Mr Fusion' from Back to the Future. Stories can endlessly be written about limitless clean power, the return to poverty of the Arabs, Bluebirds wheeling through a perfectly clear sky and an end to the frustration of running out of batteries for a vibrator. However as society becomes more technically adept it becomes more difficult to produce a good Hoax without actually inventing the technology itself.

"Back in the day we used to just be able to mix up a few chemicals in test-tubes and let it boil some water in a tank," said Professor Billingsworth. "We could claim it was caused by anything as long as the pictures showed a device as convincing as whatever Davros would use to destroy a planet. Now, what with Wikipedia and that programme QI on the telly, Joe Punter knows as much as a PhD researcher from Loughborough University."

The Physics community has long relied on the Cold Fusion Hoax as a way of generating more funding for ever bigger and more impressive machines for research into hot fusion, the very thing that Cold Fusion itself would obviate the need for.

"Every physicist on the planet wants to play with the atom-smashers. They want to be able to tell people that "today I created something hotter than the sun, two miles below Switzerland'," said the Professor. "It was what made science the new rock and roll. After all scientists have plenty of drugs. But little sex."

The science community now believes that even the recent news that the Science and Technology Facilities Council (STFC) had run out of 50p pieces for the big Gemini telescopes would be unlikely to provide enough stimulus for a proper go at the Cold Fusion Hoax. Physicists are now looking to their old foes in genetic research for the over-hyped mega-invention that will lead to an increased flow of funding.

"Atoms are bloody expensive you know, and when the scientists are really sexed up they can smash literally dozens of them in a single day – it's a costly business," said Professor Billingsworth. "I think someone in a lab is going to have to make a cross between a songbird and a drug-crazed ape, or a miracle hair-growth drug or something."

LATE BREAKING NEWS:
Researchers at the Gorilla-Parrot Breeding Institute in Enfield are to convene a press conference tomorrow on the 'Origins of Amy Winehouse.'

Tarts renege on deal with Premier League shagger

The world of professional football was plunged into chaos today after two harlots defied paid contracts to keep quiet about their casual sex with international swordsman Ashley Cole.

“It really has shocked players all over the country. They are used to big money contracts, and they expect these slags to honour their deals and keep quiet,” said a spokesman for the Professional Footballer's Association. “What worries our members even more is the inevitable tabloid puns about their unimpressive tackle.”

The PFA said the interest of it's members would be aroused by any humorous references to whether or not Ashley could keep going for the full 90 minutes and his commitment at both ends. Whilst he is renowned for his prowess at the back, there is likely to be some speculation as to the elevation he gets on his balls. Reports are likely to climax with his technique up front and his determination to keep probing, prodding and pressing to gain penetration of the box.

Mr Cole, who plays for a small team in the London area of Fulham, was said to be “normally completely confused by a mirror” and, having wasted over £16,000, his faith in loose, cheap women was shattered.

“Ashley is terrified as to how his wife is going to take these revelations, what with her violent past and being so deeply in love with their media image,” said a close pal. “But she is going to be most furious that the story has been broken by a tabloid rather than them selling an exclusive to a glossy magazine.”

Friends such as 'Hello' magazine and close family such as 'OK!' have inundated Mr Cole and his wife with messages of support and offers to help them help deal with such a trauma in their private lives via the seclusion of their centre pages.

“Ashley's mood has been lightened by all the support he has been getting,” said the pal. “He even had a smile on his face when he told us his phone had not stopped vibrating all day.”

Peter Hain resigns to “spend more time with huge crates of cash”

Former Work and Pensions and Wales Secretary, Peter Hain has resigned his cabinet positions after the nature of his deputy leadership campaign donations were referred to the Metropolitan Police.

"It is only right and proper that I step down from my cabinet positions to focus on clearing my name," said Mr Hain. "To do that I first need to clear the huge piles of cash out of my office. Everywhere I look there seems to be more of the stuff, huge crates of cash."

Mr Hain said that any claims he has anything to hide are "absurd" amid the controversy over the late declaration of £103,000 of donations.

"How can I hide anything? We are talking about thousands of notes!" said Mr Hain speaking animatedly among a hail of bank notes that fluttered out of his suit.

The Westminster political village was alive with rumour and innuendo regarding the shadowy Progressive Policies Forum - one of the key contributors which appears to have only been set-up within weeks of Mr Hain announcing his bid for the Labour Deputy leadership. Sources indicate it may be based in Nigeria and that Mr Hain was just an innocent victim.

"There you are under pressure to raise funds for your bid to become deputy leader of the Labour Party and you get an e-mail from a doctor in Nigeria with an offer that could solve everything. It’s only natural that you forget to tell people about the details of enough money to buy a Maserati," said political blogger Guido Billingsworth. "It could happen to anyone."

Mr Hain would not comment as to the detailed nature of the Progressive Policies Forum saying only that he did not understand why such a body that has produced no policies and has no employees would appear dubious.

"It hasn't produced any policies because it has not had time, what with arranging the fleet of wheelbarrows necessary to get all those bank notes to me," he said. "Look, can someone carry out a few handfuls of tenners with them? They are really cluttering up the place now."

Miners steward police demonstration

22,500 police officers yesterday marched through central London as part of their demonstration against the pay policy of the Labour government. The march was stewarded by some 400 members of the National Union of Mineworkers.

"Clearly a demonstration of this magnitude needed to be carefully policed, but not by the police who were the ones protesting. Fortunately we were able to call upon people with experience of past demonstrations involving the police, former miners, " said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. "Many of them have extensive experience of demonstrations with the police going back as far as 1984."

One such steward, Arthur 50 from Orgreave in Yorkshire, said that he was happy to get some extra money and in many ways supported his former foes in their quest for a backdated pay increase.

"It’s a nice change to be here, getting some money out of a demonstration, rather than a truncheon around my head and a kick up the arse from one of the police horses," he said. "It’s also nice to see a few of the old faces from the past. I spotted one bobby who I hit with a brick near on 25 year ago!"

Superintendent Geoffrey Billingsworth, a veteran police officer with over 30 years experience with the force said that he was marching today to ensure that the young constables just starting out on their careers get all the chances he had.

"The young copper today, he doesn’t get the vast wedges of overtime that I enjoyed when I was a wooden top," said Billingsworth. "There aren’t the mass running battles across Yorkshire hillsides like we had in the 80s, or even fervent mobs of young student Trotskyites in Trafalgar Square in the 90s. Without the fun of clubbing a few hippies you only have a good basic pay to keep you a straight member of Her Majesty’s Filth."

Latte-Nav systems provide emergency Starbucks locations

A new range of satellite navigation systems has been launched which are capable of providing car drivers with directions to their nearest Starbucks coffee shop as well as optional directions for non-coffee purposes and data about traffic jams, speed-cameras and accident black spots.

"Today it is more important than ever that motorists have the security of knowing where their nearest opportunity for some overpriced frothy milk is," said Austin Billingsworth of the RAC.

The new systems also integrate into a car's vehicle management system to provide emergency warnings in the event that the driver has not stopped for the suggested 15 minutes and had a caramel-Macchiato with cream every three hours of driving. It will also sound an alarm if the amount of fuel remaining is insufficient to get the driver to the nearest Starbucks, warning if the only coffee available is from a petrol station vending machine.

"We think this service will help cut down on road rage incidents," said Mr Billingsworth. "Studies show that most random direction changing is caused by female shoppers running low on caffeine. Mind you they do that out of their cars too."

The new systems have only recently become possible because of the availability of ultra-high resolution GPS data from upgraded direction finding software.

"Traditional GPS systems are accurate to about ten metres," said Billingsworth. "This may be good enough to land a plane, or aim an intercontinental ballistic missile, but it would never be good enough to distinguish between each Starbucks in an average town."

Rival systems are soon to be made available. A consortium led by Café Nero and Coffee Republic are believed to be investing heavily in Europe's replacement global positioning system, Galileo, while last week saw the latest Chinese rocket launch carrying the first of the Costa Coffee satellites into orbit.

Globe of the USA launched

They are the new 'must have' items that are sweeping across the United States of America where a religious gift company from Tennessee has produced a new range of globes featuring the "American Worldview". The globes have not only been a surprise sales success but are gaining endorsements from schools and religious groups across the United States of America.

"Parents and schools from coast to coast are trying to give children the correct view of the world and we think our product, the United Globe of America, fits that market," said a spokesman for 'Balls to the World Incorporated'.

The new globe is available in a range of sizes, shows the American world-view, and has been endorsed by religious groups across fourteen southern states of the USA.

"The people of this country, this great country, God's country, as foretold by scripture, have long been done a terrible disservice by the so-called map-makers. They have filled our schools with books full of lies and myths of strange and evil places, filled with godless people and their heathen ways." said Pastor Jesse Billingsworth of the Glen-Rivers Baptist Church of Nashville, Tennessee. "Now God-fearing moms and pops and educators, from sea to shining sea, can drive out the evil myth of Canada forever."

The new globes have spawned some muted criticism from geographers in the United States, who point out the preposterousness of the idea that nothing exists outside of the US.

"Whilst the globes beautifully illustrate the total isolation of the USA and the loneliness of the islands of Hawaii and Alaska, it is quite ridiculous to be telling children in school that Mexico is a myth created by the devil," said James Kablowski, a curator of cartography at the Smithsonian. "Where do they think their Santa has been outsourced too?"

The most vocal opposition to the new globe has come from European scientists, however they have been struggling to make their case heard on the leading opinion forming news outlets in the US.

"This is an important subject so we devoted a whole two minute segment to this on The Factor," shouted Fox News alleged-journalist Bill O'Reilly. "We interviewed a guy claiming to be from somewhere called France but you could tell from his accent he was just some sort of devil worshipping communist. Who killed Lady Di."

The globe has already been used in schools in Tennessee, but religious campaigners are pushing for it to be used nation-wide by 2009. They are also hoping to have stickers added to traditional globes and atlases informing students of the new globe and their theory of ‘Intelligent Geography’.

Pensioner admits “To be honest everything since 1976 has been shite.”

After years of continual sniping at contemporary music, movies and television, 77 year old Alistair Billingsworth has finally admitted that there is nothing in today's culture that he likes. Mr Billingsworth made the announcement during the Christmas period when some family members wanted to watch programmes on channels other than ITV3.

"Catherine Tate – rubbish, utter rubbish, just like that Little Britain, it's just the same jokes over and over again." he said. "The Two Ronnies was on all day on ITV3. I had seen it the 70s of course, but that was why I wanted to watch them. New stuff such as that ‘Extras’ is bound to be just people talking. It’s not funny unless a fat man dresses up as a woman. And sings."

After watching over 16 hours of the Two Ronnies over Christmas Eve and into Christmas Day including the same episode on 3 occasions, Alistair relented and let his grandchildren watch the hit movie Shrek 2.

"That was rubbish as well, it didn't have any story. Sure there was something about deception involving Prince Charming and a magic potion, but I slept through the start and it didn't make any sense when I woke up near the end. Just a lot of strange animated characters prancing about." said Mr Billingsworth. "Rubbish. Not like Fantasia. You can fall asleep at the start and pick up the plot straight away when you wake up. It’s about mopping the floor. Or something."

It was tricky to choose a movie for all the family to watch, since Alistair refuses anything that he "didn't know" as it would invariably be "rubbish". This proved an insurmountable challenge since he stopped going to the cinema in 1973.

"I must admit I snapped when I woke up and found someone had changed the channel during some programme on Cliff Richards," admitted Alistair. "Of course, if I am honest his voice is rubbish, but at least you can understand the words. Not like the modern music," he said. "It's all thump-thump-thump. How can you fall asleep to that?"

Mr Billingsworth said that this Christmas had been particularly trying and his patience had finally, after many years, worn thin.

"I am fed up having arguments with people as to why a current singer or comedian, and it doesn’t matter who it is, is rubbish," said Mr Billingsworth. "Why won’t people understand that everything made after 1976 is shite?"