The tenth anniversary of the tragic death of a controversial figure

Today, to mark the tenth anniversary of the tragic deaths of 31st August 1997, a series of commemorative events will be held across the world as people from all walks of life remember a lonely figure, chased by paparazzi in the seconds before death.

One of the key events will be a candlelit vigil at the Pont d’Alma tunnel in Paris, the site of the car accident that claimed the life of someone who in death has become even more famous and controversial than in life.

In Paris and London special services will be held to mark the passing of Henri Paul. Mr. Paul, whose death sparked an extended period of mourning in Britain, in France and around the world will be remembered in a special tribute by his employer at the time, Mohammed Al-Fayed.

Mr Al-Fayed, who has maintained over the years since Henri Paul’s death, that his chauffer was killed by a secret service plot sponsored by the Duke of Edinburgh, will be determined to lead the high profile media events marking the anniversary.

Mourners are expected to converge from all over the world on various sites of deep relevance at this time, such as the bar in the Paris Ritz where Henri Paul spent the last few hours of his life before being unexpectedly pressed into action on that fateful evening.

"Without Henri Paul and his actions that fateful night in Paris, I would not be able to come here, to Kensington Palace, to lay flowers, or make my pilgrimage to the memorial in Harrods or Hyde Park," said Hillary Billingsworth of Newton Abbott. "I never met Mr. Paul, but I could tell from his smile on that security video that he really was the people's chauffeur."

A wide range of memorabilia is available for those wishing to commemorate the death of such an historic figure. These include Ritz branded shot glasses bearing the chauffeur's signature, and a children’s Mercedes “stunt car” set complete with pose-able action figures.

The Daily Express is to mark the anniversary with a special edition filled with extensive allegations, rumours and innuendo detailing the conspiracy surrounding those fateful events on that tragic night, the life of Henri Paul and the establishment cover-up of his death that continues on both sides of the English Channel. Included will be a special colour supplement containing hundreds of paparazzi photos from the life of Mr. Paul and his celebrity acquaintances, including royalty and famous heirs.

Also on this day in 1997 the deaths of Dodi Al-Fayed and Diana, Princess of Wales are remembered.

Inmates complain of poor Prison Service

The effects of the lightening strike called yesterday by the Prison Officers’ Association has tainted the image of the Prison Service with the strike's effect on many of its most loyal customers.

“It really wasn’t what I had come to expect from the Prison Service,” said Tony ‘The Spanner’, a regular resident who has had several stays at Her Majesty’s pleasure over the last two decades.

“When I arranged my stay, by assaulting and robbing a shopkeeper, I expected that I would be catered for by experienced and professional staff,” said Tony. “However today, with this strike action, the Prison Service has been shocking.”

Governors had a skeleton staff and instituted lockdown procedures. At HMP Walton in Liverpool, where Tony is currently staying, this meant that not only were prisoners restricted to their cells but lost other privileges.

“I expected my lunch to be around one o’clock with the rest of the lads,” said Tony. “You can imagine my annoyance at having to wait until three in the afternoon, and then to be offered only a cold sandwich. It’s a disgusting way to treat people, like something out of a Russian Gulag. Or Butlins.”

Tony said that he was not the only one to lose out on what they had become accustomed to receiving in Britain’s hard pressed prison service.

“Gerry ‘The Nail’ is convinced he has lost his place in the XBox rota. He said that someone is bound to overwrite his saved position on ‘Gears of War’,” explained the exasperated criminal. “For me, it was just such a lovely day that I wanted to take advantage of a tour of the historic yard here at Walton but couldn‘t without supervision. That’s the Nanny State for you.”

‘The Spanner’ said that his experience of today’s Prison Service might re-evaluate his future choices of where and when he stays.

“Well you know, there are certain expectations and, well, they aren’t being met. Still I am not a bitter man and I will document my feelings and communicate them as it traditional,” he said before his phone card ran out. “I will smear my own faeces on the wall of my cell and set fire to my mattress.”

Scientists disappointed by reaction to latest planetary discovery.

It has been revealed that the astronomical community has become dismayed at the level of coverage it is receiving in the mainstream media and highlights the dearth of coverage surrounding the latest breakthroughs in imaging the planet Uranus.

“Frankly we expected at least the Daily Star and The Sun to lead with some sort of pun regarding 'Rings around Uranus'” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “Really it was quite disappointing. We made the discoveries in January, but held the announcement over to the quiet summer 'Silly Season' especially for the tabloids, but there wasn't even a mention.”

Scientists have long claimed that media interest in their progress focusses on their torturing of small defenceless animals, or perhaps Frankensteinian references to the latest batch of killer tomatoes rampaging across our countryside.

“Really, that is all we get nowadays. We have eradicated terrible diseases, extended life expectancy, brought the universe into our living rooms and enabled distant travel and communication to the common man,” said the Professor. “But know one cares. No one even giggles when we mention that 'fans will be able to see a marvellous full moon during the Rugby', or when we notify the amateur astronomer that they can use their telescopes at home to view 'a heavenly body such as Venus and her impressive globes'.”

Astronomers have employed marketing gurus and comedians expert in the use of the 'double entendre' to make their announcements as enticing as possible, but the media seems resolutely disinterested.

“We recently renamed a whole Nebula after a leading female pop star so that we could make capital out of the celestial features within, which was partly successful,” explained Professor Billingsworth. “The mainstream media ignored us as usual, but the Internet search engines went crazy for our images of Beyonce's Black Hole.”

“Fit and Fat” campaign launched

Campaigners who are fed up with what they say is constant negative stereo-typing of the overweight have launched a new on-line campaign to publicise their claim that being a 'person of size' and physically active are not mutually exclusive.

"For too long people of size have been told by the conspiracy of so-called 'Doctors', 'fitness instructors' and the paramedics and firemen - that assist us when we pass out in shopping centres or get stuck in escalators - that our weight is a problem," said Michaela Billingsworth. "That is why we have launched 'Fit and Fat’ to spread the truth, that we don’t all have to be Lance Armstrong. People of size are as fit as they need to be."

The campaign is based around a YouTube channel were members can share their success stories through video diaries and give each other training and diet tips.

"We are leveraging the power of the Internet to help the 'FAF' community fight back against all those groups that have it in for us." explained Miss Billingsworth. "Without it most of our members would not be able to meet, on account of them being unable to fit into the deliberately small cars that are designed to keep us from spreading the truth."

Miss Billingsworth said the campaign had started via YouTube as it enabled members to overcome their computer access challenges.

"Computer manufacturers don't consider people of size when they make small fiddly keyboards which our fingers are too large for," she said. "Furniture manufacturers are also against us, since it is a stretch to reach the keyboard at all being jammed into small chairs. This way I can just yell into my webcam."


FAFers have posted videos explaining how they would be deemed by society to be obese but can in fact conduct normal lives as good as anyone.

"I defy any so-called thin person to come cycling with me," said one poster under the name JigglyJim. "I can cycle at least 2 miles to my local donut shop easily, as long as I take the flat route around the hill. In fact I have worn out several bikes through all my cycling which just shows another part of the conspiracy against people of size. Bike manufacturers should make frames and seat posts as strong as the gears – which never seem to wear out."

Another poster said it was possible to have a healthy diet despite the pressures of our modern fast paced lifestyles and gave a selection of tips that he said enabled him to get fit enough to use a normal toilet unaided.

"All of us have to use elevators, since it takes too long to walk up the stairs in modern office buildings, what with having to have a shower afterwards," explained BigBoner69. "For lunch I always get the 100% beef burger. However you need to balance that up with some fat and carbohydrates such as with a McFlurry. Or three." However he warned against dangers of over exertion. "Remember it is best practice to drive to your local KFC. You shouldn't do heavy physical exercise, such as a person of size walking, after eating a large meal."

Miss Billingsworth said that the media portrayed ridiculous stereotypes that people could not live up to, especially targeting businesswomen who might be vulnerable about their body shape.

"Why do adverts always show women in sleek business suits holding doors open for their male colleagues? You don't need to be able to reach the handle if they are automatic and sweat pants are so much more absorbent"

The YouTube channel is growing in popularity with new videos added daily, only some of which are obituaries. A popular area is that of the advice to "big boned" people to make sure they get the help to which they feel entitled.

"People of size often suffer from problems with their feet," says BigBoner69 in another video. "So make sure you ask the advice of the trained shoe shop assistants as to whether or not you have any slippers on."

Apple announces the “all new” iGimmick

Chief Executive Steve Jobs today announced the latest in Apple's range of consumer products. The product itself has typically been shrouded in some secrecy, although industry watchers had been following rumours circulating on the internet that company executives have found it difficult to cope after the climax of their iPhone hype.

“Our company, with its proud track record of producing the technological equivalent of old wine in new bottles, can now reveal the latest in technological marketing,” said Mr Jobs. “With our latest product we hope to push the envelope of gadget hype with the iGimmick and prove the strength of the Apple brand.”

Technology analysts today praised the innovation from Apple saying it was the natural evolution for the brand experience in long gestation, high desirability products such as the iPod, the iPhone and the much heralded Apple TV. Marketing analysts said it was pure genius of the company, to make the announcement when the product was only a name.

“Apple has always been at the forefront of promising to repackage existing ideas by announcing them early and then cherry picking the features of those that are quicker to market,” said technology blogger Mr Bloggy. “The timing is perfect since I have got my iPhone being shipped to me, so I need something else to camp out on the pavement for. Just talking to you now makes me want one, and no-one even knows what the product does! In fact I can feel myself developing a need that only the iGimmick will be able to satisfy.”

“We want our assure loyal customers, who perhaps could not see the inevitable arrival of our iPod Nano and so may have an iPod and iPod Mini gathering dust now that they have their iPhone, that the iGimmick will take years to get to market and be available in sufficiently small numbers so as to make sleeping on a cold street for three days seem worth it,” explained Mr Jobs during a press conference after this announcement. “The iGimmick will also continue that great tradition of the Apple brand, it will cost at least $100 more than our competitors' similar products, whatever they may turn out to be. However early adopters can rest assured that we know what you want - which is anything with the Apple logo on it.”

Apples denied rumours it was working with the Meteorological Office in each of its launch markets to select a suitably rainy launch date for the iGimmick.

Racist “overwhelmed by all the alternatives”

A long serving member of the British National Party has declared that he is now confused as to the plethora of choices on offer for his hate and how the changes in society mean that he isn't sure who is 'like us' and who isn't.

“When I was growing up, in the 1920s and 30s, it was fairly straightforward,” said Archie Billingsworth, 86. “I worry about the younger members as nowadays it is much more confusing as to who are the acceptable immigrants. I am too old to hate everyone.”

The pre-war years saw Britain as a nearly homogeneous society. The slums, tenements and desperate working conditions in factories were endured by the same ethnicity that was exploiting them. The prisons full of home grown murderers and rapists.

“There was only the Irish to hate,” he said. “We just had to make do with that and you had to be a lot more creative with your discrimination since they, by and large, are just like us.”

Archie said that later, with the influx of immigrants from the Caribbean, lured by the full employment era and the plethora of jobs in London Transport in particular he was able to easily expand his outlook towards new cultures.

“Well you know, it was a bit easier back then Obviously I would still not stay at a B&B that didn't have a 'No Irish' sign outside, but it was also easy to see of if they would let coloureds in,” he said. “You would think it would be easier nowadays, what with foreigners of all colours and creeds being here but it is quite complicated knowing where to focus my irrational feelings.”

Mr Billingsworth, like many of his generation, was startled to discover that not all sections of the Asian community like each other.

“Well, you don't know where you stand do you? Apparently some are from India, some Pakistan – they all look the same to me – but if they hate each other, well I don't know if I like that, some might have the same feelings towards each other as I do. That just isn't right.” said Archie.

He said he felt let down by the BNP leadership who unlike the nationalistic parties of the past were not being descriptive enough with dreaming up new problems.

“I have been a follower since I was old enough to join, from the British Union of Fascists, through the National Front, all the way to today's BNP. The thing is I need guidance from the BNP leadership otherwise how do I know which type of Asian to make assumptions about? Does all their food smell? Which ones cook in open fires on the floor of their council houses? By and large they keep themselves to themselves, so if the BNP don't publicise these stories how will I be disgusted?”

Archie says that he has not given up on the leadership of the BNP, he was pleased by their stance on immigrant workers, for example.

“Well it is full circle isn't it – like with the Irish when I was a lad. But apparently young people don't have a problem with them nowadays. It's very confusing. Take those millions of eastern European murderers I keep reading about in the Daily Mail that are taking the low paid and exploited jobs that are beneath an Englishman,” said Mr Billingsworth. “If I met one in the street I wouldn't have any reason to dislike them if it wasn't for the newspapers.”

Archie has been retired for over a quarter of a century and says that he has few creative outlets for his bitterness.

“Well you know, I am up for most kinds of prejudice. Nothing makes you feel better about yourself and your own lack of achievement. But I need to know clearly who it is that we are all hating. I have hidden in the mob all this time and I am too old to have my own opinion,” he complained. “In times as complex as these there needs to be more direction for the rank and file bigot.”

Despite some disillusionment with the direction the current BNP is taking, Archie sees no reason to change his allegiances as they approach their 60th year.

“Don't get me wrong, I don't hate the BNP leadership,” he said. “Some of my best friends are racists.”

Hillary Clinton in Penis Scandal

A storm has broken over the campaign of Hillary Clinton for US President when it emerged last night that Mrs Clinton does not have a penis. A college friend who is now working for the Republican Party revealed the shocking news.

"A group of us were on a hiking trip back in ‘68 and we were up in the hills chatting " explained Kurt Billingsworthski. "Hillary joked that it is OK for us guys to get ‘caught short’, we can stand behind a tree, but you know squatting in long grass isn’t fun if you're not sure what is in there."

Mr Billingsworthski had largely forgotten about the whole incident, until it became clear that Mrs Clinton was to run for election to President.

"Well I felt I just had to come forward and let the people know," he said. "President is such an important job. I know that this is 21st century America, so you know, we have to make sure all types of people get their chance. But this is such a major political issue for any man running for President."

Hillary Clinton has not commented on the matter, but the flames of controversy were further fanned upon news that Hillary was the parent of a child with a similar affliction. There has also been further speculation that Mrs Clinton may also have been born without testes.

"You see, this is it, you are either with penis or without. The American way of life will be threatened if we let people without a penis into a position of power," said Kurt. "All American Presidents have had a penis, just like all the people they represent. It is clear that the record of George W. Bush owes a lot to testes."

Supporters have argued that Mrs Clinton may in fact simply be a woman, a condition said to affect over half of US society. They add that rather than being ostracised people such as Hillary should be welcomed into the mainstream to add their diversity to the richness of American politics.

"That is the kind of unchristian, un-American talk that we are fighting everyday in this war on terror!" screamed Mr Billingsworthski. "These heathen people want to destroy our way of life – they want to ruin our Eden once more by giving a woman power. As a good Republican I know that, as sure as the earth is 6,000 years old, politics should only be conducted with a penis."

Nation's last “left lane” driver retires his Hillman Imp

The last driver known to conform to good lane discipline on Britain’s motorways today announced, on his 75th birthday, that he was to hang up his driving gloves.

"I have been driving for over 55 years and recently have happily travelled everywhere in my little 1966 Mk II British Racing Green Hillman Imp," said Harry Woods, speaking to BBC Radio. "However the time has come for me to call it a day. I am not as young as I was."

The news was greeted with mixed reactions as a great many people lamented the inevitability of the human condition and car enthusiasts mourned one less roadworthy classic in daily use.

"It might not be capable of more than 50 mph, but it is reliable, come rain or shine," said Harry. "I don't like motorway driving – in fact I only use the short stretch between junctions 9 and 10 of the M25 - about six miles - so it doesn't bother me that I can't get out of the left hand lane."

However Francis Billingsworth, from Thurrock in Essex, said that she was unmoved as to the impact this announcement would have on her life. Francis, who drives a 2003 Ford Focus explained that it was people such as Harry that were the cause of her predilection for the middle lane of the motorway.

"I think I had to change lanes to overtake a green car on the M25 a couple of years ago. I haven't been in the slow lane since." explained Mrs Billingsworth. "I heard Harry's interview on the radio as I drove to see my daughter in Cobham. Well you know I turn off at Junction 10. So I got straight into the middle lane when I got on the M25 - about 40 miles early - just in case."

The RAC said today that as far as they are aware, Harry and his classic car represent a dying breed of motorist.

"It is the old traditions that are dying out," said a spokesman. "The classic car, the classic colour, and paying due attention to driving standards and proper lane behaviour. It is all from a different era."

Mrs Billingsworth was unrepentant, however, claiming that her motorway driving technique, of remaining steadfastly in the middle lane regardless of road conditions, was the safest approach.

"If I drove how so called experts, like the RAC, say is 'correct', then I might have to change lanes to overtake slower traffic, or perhaps to let lorries and green cars onto the motorway. Well it is difficult enough just keeping to my lane and not hitting the car in front if I am chatting. And before you go saying I am an 'unsafe driver', I should point out that I have been driving for over 30 years and have never had an accident," she said. "Although I have seen plenty in my rearview mirror."

God condemned by senior figures

An open letter condemning God for the mysterious manner of His behaviour and the impact it is having on the reputations of senior community members was published today in several notable newspapers, including the London Chronicle and the New York Herald and was notable in being signed by authority figures from religion and popular culture.

“We felt that we had to express our disappointment at the lack of action that He is taking in terms of the behaviour of His followers,” explained Father Chris Mass, the group's spokesman. “It's all very well maintaining an air of mystery but we feel that the constant lack of guidance given to His followers is now starting to reduce the effectiveness of other figures of dubious provenance, such as myself.”

The letter says that whilst God (also known as Yahweh, Jehovah or Allah) is accepted as being omniscient and aware of all sins, and has historically favoured mass collective punishment in the manner of floods, fire and plagues, He has remained silent over the past two millennia. This has led to much heated speculation on subjects as diverse as: which of the sets of supposed 'Ten /commandments' is canon; whether it is correct to offer your daughter's virginity to settle debts or placate a mob; and if the VIP area of paradise does indeed bestow the prophets and martyrs 72 virgins each for their efforts in enhancing the believer/non-believer ratio in a given community.

“I take my work very seriously,” said Father Mass, “I make a list and I always check it twice, even though I know what all the children are doing all the time. Then, at the end of each year I can give them their behaviour reports – a toy if you are good, a lump of coal if you aren't. This leaves the children that believe in my method in no doubt as to where they stand.”

The Tooth Fairy said that she also felt that God's silence will not only affect the reputations of all figures of dubious provenance but would reduce her authority as a punisher of bad behaviour.

“I give regular feedback on the behaviour of younger children, in terms of the value of their milk teeth that I leave under their pillows, “ said Ashley Nymph.

“I am aware, like Father Mass, that as time has gone on children are ceasing to believe in me at earlier and earlier ages. Clearly without faith I am nothing . However today's child believers are tomorrow's adult evangelists and moral guardians. If God persists in leaving adults with no feedback as to how they are behaving one can only assume that they might stop believing and start letting each other live in peace and harmony in this life.”

“Despite my annual performance review for every child, delivered at great personal risk of alcoholism and high cholesterol I might add, children just aren't that concerned that their behaviour has consequences,” said Father Chris Mass. “They are getting their gifts elsewhere I think. I blame the parents myself. But in the future who is going to condemn homosexuals and pray to be teleported up to a celestial temple when the rapture comes? It's political incorrectness gone mad, I say.”

The letter suggests that God has a 'Duty of Care' over His adult charges and that He should fulfil His role as the signatories fulfil their duties for children. It is this work, the letter states, that leads people to express more evidence for the existence of Father Mass and Ms Nymph than for the Lord Himself.

“His believers are struggling to fit the entire fossil and geological record into a six thousand year old time frame,” added Ms Nymph. “If He doesn't provide some guidance soon, people might start to think it unbelievable that one man and a boat saved two of every species - whether herbivore or carnivore and whether water, ice or land based - from a large flood.”

God, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster, were unavailable for comment however numerous people claiming to be their spokesman all dismissed the letter as preposterous, despite several of them claiming not to have read it in the first place.

Teenager discovers headphones

Tyler Billingsworth, 14, is now a local celebrity in the Stoke Bishop area of Bristol after making a chance discovery that has improved the journeys of everyone heading into and out of the city centre.

"The 1 and 54 bus routes are much more pleasant now since he showed his discovery to his friends," said Ada Fraser, 73, of Blackboy Hill "Although they still spend all day walking around in what looks like their pyjamas."

It was at the end of term and Tyler was on a school trip to the Science Museum in London when he noticed something interesting in a display of the changes in consumer goods throughout the 20th century.

"It was really boring so we were just hanging around playing music on our phones, but I couldn’t hear mine because James has the Sony Ericsson W610i, which is slightly louder," said Tyler, explaining the moment when he made the discovery. "I noticed that in the display was some ancient thing called a Personal Stereo, and it had these headphones on it."

When Tyler got home he asked his Dad about Personal Stereo’s and was amazed by what he found out.

"Yeah, in the olden days my Dad had one and he said he used it to listen to music on something called a tape. Apparently you downloaded songs from the radio. But you had to wait for it to be played!" said Tyler. "He also said that before personal stereos him and his mates used to listen to little radios that produced a really crappy tinny sound and the personal stereo was way better."

Tyler, frustrated by having his friends tinny music drowning out his own, discovered that the "hands-free" kit that came with his phone could act like the headphones on the old Personal Stereo.

"To be honest the sound quality still isn’t great, but I think that’s because most of the music I listen to has a lot of whining, shrieking vocals and using the headsphones at least I don't get embarrassed, unlike the other kids that people at the front of the bus snigger at," he said. "Funny, all this time I thought that those hands-free things were just for calling £1-a-minute 'quickie relief' lines."

Printing to be outlawed in public places

The government’s moves to ban printing in public places, following the revelations that the small particles of toner that are emitted can do damage to the lungs similar to that caused by smoking, has met fierce criticism from civil liberties groups and the National Union of Secretaries.

"I have been using laser printers dozens of times a day for nearly 20 years now," said Gregory Billingsworth an accountant at a large city brokerage house. "I need a good printed spreadsheet with my coffee to kick start the morning. As the day goes on there is nothing better to relieve the stress than to print out a nice memo or two."

Under the new legislation, which will take effect from the start of next month, it will be illegal to print in all public buildings. Anyone wishing to do so will have to make use of designated outdoor printing areas.

Campaign groups such as the People’s Union for Liberty in Printing (PULP) have rallied against the new legislation saying that it could have severe implications for not just the social interaction at the office printer but also for the larger economy in general.

"Printer manufacturers will suffer and the ban will do nothing to improve the health of the nation," said a representative of PULP. "People will probably catch their deaths standing in the cold and rain whilst their daily status report is printed."

Assertions that the new laws will provide a safer working environment for all concerned and hasten the march to the long awaited ‘paperless office’ have not convinced serial printers.

"I have used everything from the original HP Laserjet back in the mid 80s to the latest full colour multifunction devices and I will continue to enjoy printing documents," said Mr Billingsworth. "The law is draconian, making normal citizens spy on each other. Where will it stop? Next someone will say that if I am working late in the office I can’t light up a cigarette after faxing my secretary."

Brown reveals plans for Duchess of York Commemoration

As the tenth anniversary of Tony Blair’s coining of the immortal phrase "People’s Princess" approaches Gordon Brown today revealed further plans to follow in his predecessor’s footsteps.

"Tony Blair made great capital out of the statement he gave after the apparent death of Diana," said the Prime Minister. "I plan to improve my popularity in the UK and internationally, especially in the United States, by invoking similar platitudinal sentimentality regarding the death of the Divvie’s Duchess."

As with many leading figures the arrangements for the funeral and commemoration of Sarah Ferguson are made years in advance but in this case are being brought forward on a political schedule. To ensure that the shared grief is as media friendly as possible the pavements outside Gregg’s pasty shops will be cordoned off for laying of flowers and stuffed ‘Budgie the helicopter’ toys. Wedgewood pottery, who she has spent several years promoting, are already stockpiling commemorative ceramic ‘Fergie toes’ for remembrance sucking.

Several ski resorts around the world will be offering free lift passes for the day of the memorial service, to honour the tradition of Sarah Ferguson’s many holidays at other’s expense.

Whilst many people think Sarah, Duchess of York is the kind of person who would be late for her own funeral, Downing Street said that despite being alive and well "she has time to make our schedule."

At the memorial service itself, fellow celebrity ginger, Elton John, will perform a specially adapted version of his hit duet now entitled "Don’t go baking the tart (She’d rather have it fried)".

A spokesman for Buckingham Palace revealed that whilst there were no truth in conspiracy theories surrounding Royal complicity in the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, the Palace would "definitely be part of any arrangements" surrounding the unfortunate death of Fergie.

UK’s most evil man named

Herbert Billingsworth of Wakefield, West Yorkshire, has been named as the UK’s most evil man and the country’s entrant into the ‘Evil Eight’ competition. The competition aims to identify a modern ‘Hall of shame’ for the most diabolical people in history and is the brainchild of controversial behavioural scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth (no relation).

"I was inspired by the New Seven Wonders campaign and decided that we needed to update the traditional Rogue’s Gallery," explained Professor Billingsworth. "We need to get rid of the Genghis Khans and King Herods and bring the whole directory of evil up to date."

People across the UK cast their votes via phone, text and over the Internet and Herbert Billingsworth was announced the surprise winner, ahead of early favourites such as Fred West, Dr Harold Shipman and Richard Branson.

Mr Billingsworth spent most of the competition languishing near the bottom of the poll despite his history of owning a string of Mitsubishi Shogun 4x4 vehicles and leaving his TV on ‘standby’ overnight. Even the revelation that he had been fined for smoking in a public place only raised him to fifth position. However it was the public outcry surrounding the tabloid pictures of Billingsworth purchasing a patio heater that secured his victory as the UK’s Most Evil Man.

Mr Billingsworth will now go into a Europe wide play-off to be the continent’s contender into the worldwide ‘Evil Eight’ competition, the winner of which will be announced on the 8th August 2008.

Herbert said he was not worried about facing the best that Europe could offer and was indeed looking forward to the challenge.

"Well as far as I am aware Hitler never owned a patio heater and whilst Stalin hated evening drinks in the cold of Siberia, the Moskvitch 410 4x4 only had a 35 horse power engine," he said.

When asked how he would fair when competing with the less middle class crimes of mass murder and torture, Mr Billingsworth remained confident.

"I spent 25 years as a lorry driver. You don’t think all those off-cuts of carpets I bought were to redo the study do you?" he said with a smile. "I will take the judges to a few roadside ditches I know."

Open Winner “’get in the hole’ won it for me”

Padraig Harrington has revealed that it was the motivation of the crowd that helped him to a playoff victory over Spain’s Sergio Garcia.

"The fans have been fantastic with their constant support," said The Open Champion. "When you are standing over a quarter of a mile away from the green you need a few people to yell ‘Get in the hole!’ to make sure that your ball goes as far as possible. The years of endless practice don’t amount to anything in such a pressure situation. It’s the crowd yelling that counts."

Whilst many commentators and television viewers assume that this constant and unoriginal yelling must be a distraction the players find it not only comforting but something they now depend on.

"The fans have been doing it throughout my pro career," commented Tiger Woods, the winner of the previous two Open Championships. "I get it whether I am teeing off on a par five or have just nudged the ball for a two inch putt. I can’t imagine how the greats of yesteryear, the Sneeds, Palmers, Normans, Faldos and so on got by with just polite applause and a cheer if the shot really turns out to be a good one."

Open runner-up, Garcia, said that he felt that it was this level of support that gave Harrington the edge going into the four-hole playoff.

"You know, the majors are in English speaking countries," he said. "For sure, I was listening but I never heard ‘¡Consiga en el agujero!’ which might have made all the difference."

Harry Billingsworth, 24, from Newmarket who attended this year’s Championship in Carnoustie said that yelling out this tired old phrase was all part of the fun of spectating.

"I am trying to help the players but ‘A bit of draw around the hazard and feather the landing with spin!’ is a bit too long to get out," said Mr Billingsworth. "It’s a great bit of fun though. So is yelling ‘Get your hair cut!’ at Miguel Angel Jimenez."

Bush has colonoscopy to end Blair special relationship

George W. Bush today underwent a minor medical procedure to ensure all traces of Tony Blair have been removed from the President’s colon.

"The President was advised by his doctors several years ago that he should have a check-up to ensure that when Mr Blair left his office, as Prime Minister, there were no cancerous traces in Mr Bush’s colon," explained White House spokesman Scott Billingsworthski.

Following the 11th September terrorist attacks on the US, Tony Blair insinuated himself deeply into the President’s inner circle. It was the depth of this special relationship that raised concerns with George Bush’s doctors about the impact on his colon.

Downing Street sent its best wishes but denied that there had been any Brown / Bush contact over the President’s alimentary canal. It is understood the White House received a message from the people of Iraq suggesting that President Bush receive a really thorough probing at least twice.

Vice President Dick Cheney briefly gripped the reigns of power whilst Mr Bush was having the camera inserted.

"The President is always pleased to have Dick to fall back on," said Mr Billingsworthski.

Mr Bush’s medical team used the latest in miniature camera technology to reduce discomfort and declined an offer from Russian President, Vladmir Putin, of one of their outside broadcast camera trolleys.

Acrostic messages make controversial return

Controversy reigns in the world of online advertising as increasing number of websites are using subliminal or even guerrilla tactics to maximise their advertising revenue.

Luke Billingsworth, a writer for a technology blog, said that the terms of service of programmes such as Google’s Adsense prevent webmasters from making direct pleas to their visitors to click on such advertising.

"I would love to be able to say to my readers ‘If you like the story click on our sponsors and help this site’ but I just can’t do it," explained Mr Billingsworth. "The web community, however, won’t be held back and they will always look for alternative approaches."

Currently the trend is to move away from tiresome pop-ups adverts or blunt interstitial pages, to more subtle techniques and reviving some age-old favourite techniques.

"Knowing how observant and intelligent my readers are enables me to use very subtle techniques," said Anne Corman, the writer of a satirical website. "My readers are used to peering over the rose tinted spectacles of traditional writing and I can rely on them to find the messages."

Advertisers are concerned that this revival of techniques such as acrostic writing may lead to an increase in more random traffic which would dilute the targeted audience they are receiving from the increasingly sophisticated overt advertising.

"Doubtless that risk exists but then as the alternative is people not clicking on ads at all then advertisers will probably take a more relaxed attitude," commented Mr Billingsworth.

Sadly many discerning visitors who do decipher the codes that writers are incorporating in their work many never get a public thanks. "You can only stretch a gag so far and sometimes there just are not enough paragraphs to say ‘Thanks’," lamented Anne Corman.

Court orders plumber to pay housewife

Teesside Magistrates court has ordered AA Aardvark plumbing to pay an invoice served on them by Mrs Gina Hastings. The plumbing firm had initially refused to pay the invoice on the grounds that "it doesn’t work like that".

"Well I had to take it to court as they simply refused to pay for my services," explained Mrs Hastings from the courthouse steps. "I provided them with a great deal of service over the two days they were installing my new boiler, services that they should pay for."

The dispute arose after Mrs Hastings hired AA Aardvark to install a new condensing boiler and water tank. The job was completed to her satisfaction and she happily wrote them a cheque for their work.

"A couple of weeks later I got a call from Joe Billingsworth, who runs AA Aardvark plumbing, asking if there had been some mistake and what I thought I was playing at," she said. "But I just explained that the £43.50 was just for services rendered, plus VAT."

Mr Billingsworth said that he was disappointed with the judge’s decision but would of course respect the wishes of the court.

"I just assumed that all the tea and sandwiches were free. At £2.50 for a tea and £3.80 for a sandwich, it might have been better to go to Starbucks," said Mr Billingsworth. "I guess we will have to consider the £12 per hour cost of washing and re-arranging underwear drawers the next time we put customers’ bras on our heads."

Local trading standards officers said that this was not the first such case and they warned local tradesmen to make sure they get a detailed estimate of the services they will be using.

"It is a lesson to us all," said Mr Billingsworth. "From now on I will ask for an itemised quotation from the householder of their charges, and also what the licensing is for usage of pictures of their daughters away at university."

Tyne Tees Television is to feature Mrs Hastings in an upcoming edition of their "Household customers from Hell" fly-on-the-wall TV programme.

Children claim truancy is “work / life balance”

A group representing schoolchildren today said it was unfair that those skipping school were branded as truants when in fact they were just supporting the wider efforts within society to have a more fulfilling life by controlling how much they work.

"I don’t like go school much ‘cos it’s like totally like stressful," said Jake, 15. "I go sometimes like when the council makes us like. But it’s like so boring that it like stresses me out about homework and exams. It should be more flexible like so we can like choose our own hours and stuff."

Several schoolchildren have petitioned their local council saying that they fear being called a truant is a stigma that forces them further from school and gives the impression that they are in some way delinquent.

"It’s like dead bad when they send these like letters to like your mum and dad and stuff." said Jake’s sister Shania, 16. "They get like really aggro about it and that’s why I want to go part time, so I can like spend more time with my daughter in the local café."

Shania says that like her brother she needs to escape stresses of the daily 9 to 3 routine and often skips lessons but wouldn’t if the right programmes were in place.

"My time is well valuable and I don’t want to get stressed or feel I am like missing out. So I hang out with my mates and shout at boys." she explained. "I might do like a work-sharing scheme, me and a couple of mates could like attend a few lessons each or something which would help with child care arrangements."

Youth groups have supported the students’ claims and are now trying to arrange a petition to be sent to the Education Minister, Ed Balls.

"Young people are being stigmatised by society just because they are trying to balance their traditional formal education with their leisure needs," said Quentin Billingsworth of the Young People’s Society for Young People. "They are being disenfranchised by an old fashioned society that thinks young people should be measured by their education and behaviour rather than how they express themselves through dress or what is on their iPod. A constant ‘long hours society’ can lead to health issues, such as existing only on Ginster’s pasties."

Mr Billingsworth revealed that his plans to submit the petition to the minister had been delayed due to politicians’ lack of suitable engagement with children, but was undaunted that it would be completed.

"The petition is taking time because, quite understandably, the young people are difficult to locate, what with many of them out expressing themselves rather than being in school," he said.

Flood victims speak of their loss

Residents of Yorkshire and Lincolnshire have been complaining to the media that their tragedy is being forgotten and that the government is simply not doing enough to help their plight.

"It is terrible," said Janice Billingsworth from Hull. "People don’t seem to understand the nightmare we are facing. Carpets, furniture, wallpaper, all ruined. It’s a total tragedy."

Those in the flooded areas said that they just did not expect to experience such total devastation to the contents of their cupboard under the stairs in twenty-first century Britain.

"It is ok for the people of Bangladesh. The thousands that die in flooding there have never known the hardship of laying a laminate floor," wailed Ms Billingsworth. "The tens of millions of people who are left homeless will never have queued up for half an hour at their local B&Q."

Those hit worst by the flooding and who have lost sofas and even kitchen units feel that with the attention of the media focussed elsewhere they are not getting the aid they require.

"When there are tens of thousands of people in Bangladesh or India spending weeks sitting in tree-tops waiting for the torrents of floodwater to subside enough to let a small reed boat save their children it gets on the telly," she said fighting back the tears. "Whereas no one seems interested that we have had to take up not only the laminate floor in the kitchen but also the tiles that were underneath!"

It isn’t just the media that is the target of the resident’s complaints, they feel that the government, and new Prime Minister Gordon Brown, should be doing more to help.

"When we bought the house the survey said that there was a risk of flooding but we spent the insurance money for flood cover on a new plasma TV. Which was also ruined." explained an emotional Ms Billingsworth. "I don’t see why I should pay for a new one. Taxpayers from all over the UK should as it is their water not mine. Or something."

Businesses have also suffered from the deluge. Gill Binsworth, landlady at the Riverside Tavern said that her pub had been ruined and wanted to know who was going to help.

"We bought the pub eight years ago, we fell in love with it at first sight when we realised that we could charge extra for our beer since the place commanded such excellent views of the river. It was lovely with the river coming right up to the edge of the beer garden. Now it is in the snug," she said. "This is the third time it has flooded and I am getting a bit fed up putting new carpets in. I now know how the people of Mumbai felt when a thousand people died in flooding there last year."

Surprisingly one area of industry that traditionally leads the calls for increased government or EU aid has been silent.

"Aye, well you know, rain and water, loss of crops. That’s just part of farming" said a spokesman for the National Farmer’s Union. "Although I don’t know who is going to pay for the replacement of my wood burning Aga stove."

Vauxhall unveil new Formula 1 challenger

In amongst all the commotion surrounding Lewis Hamilton at the British Grand Prix this weekend, one of the most anticipated announcements of the past few years was finally made when General Motors revealed its intention to enter the Formula 1 championship for the 2008 season.

"There has been a lot of speculation as to when GM, as one of the largest car manufacturers in the world, would enter Formula 1," said Dermot Billingsworth, Marketing Director of Vauxhall motors speaking at the Silverstone launch. "The time is now right."

General Motors said that it feels its Vauxhall Nova brand fits best with the ‘young aspirational male’ demographic, an area where the marque’s traditional strength has been under assault with the resurgence of hot-hatchbacks from German and French manufacturers.

"Our aim is that the design of our challenger, the NOVA-F1, will represent what our brand means to young men, and make F1 technology more relevant to road car design. " said Mr Billingsworth. "It will have the loudest engine on the grid. Not only that but the exhaust pipes will be bigger and made from the shiniest chrome on Earth. The only thing brighter will be the turquoise neon-strips under the car."

Mr Billingsworth said that the car would feature an innovative sound system with the driver actually sitting in a super-amplified ‘bass bin’. "You will definitely hear this car on the track!" he added. "The sound system will be a traditional thumping drum beat loud enough to hear over 22 F1 engines."

The Vauxhall Racing team says that it isn’t just in technology where track and road should converge, but in race strategy. "Like everyday driving for our young customers, the most important aspect of a Grand Prix are the seconds after the red lights at the start," Billingsworth explained. "So the NOVA-F1 will be tuned to burn as much rubber as possible past the girls in the start-line grandstand."

Motor Racing journalist’s from around the world appeared sceptical at the prospect of starting up a works team from scratch and making the start of next year’s Melbourne Grand Prix in March. The question was put to Mr. Billingsworth of how long it would take to turn the wooden concept car on display into a competitive carbon-fibre racing car.

"Concept car?" he responded. "Carbon Fibre? I don’t think you fully appreciate the teenage Vauxhall Nova customer."