Louise Mensch MP Declares Moon Landing A Genuine Triumph For Our PM David Cameron

As aspiring Tom Jones impersonator, Colonel Gaddafi, continues to urge his last remaining supporters to murder fellow Libyans senior politicians, and Louise Mensch, are adding the impending success of Libya’s murderous rebel regime to a growing catalogue of achievements of the British Prime Minister, David Cameron:-

The signing of the Magna Carta – The single act that for the first time enshrined that no one, no man, baron, not even the king, was above the law of the land was actually a genuine triumph for our PM David Cameron’s listening exercise throughout the middle ages. MPs retain their exemption to this day.

Modelling of DNA – While historians are keen to emphasise the foundational research of Rosalind Franklin leading to the famous Crick-Watson double-helix model, it is now clear that the collaborative efforts were a genuine triumph for our PM David Cameron efforts to generate a “Big Soc” research team, 13 years before he was born.

First footsteps on the moon – the world looked on in 1969 as Neil Armstrong made his first tentative steps across a dusty Arizona sound stage, few realised that none of it would have been possible without the genuine triumph of our Prime Minister David Cameron’s discovery of the moon on his 3rd birthday the day before.

Fall of the Berlin Wall – contemporary sources attributed the fall of the symbol of communist tyranny to the inflexibility of soviet central planning to counter-balance western military development whilst ignoring the dreams and aspirations of the people of Eastern Europe. However, it has now become clear that the wall was severely damaged during a dining tour that was such a genuine triumph of our PM David Cameron’s Bullingdon Club chums.

Mr Cameron humbled by recognition as such a key figure in world history has said that all the plaudits are undeserved.

“Let us not cheer my genuine triumphs! Now we must work together to ensure that the people living at the heart of the fighting get the help to rebuild not just their lives, but their society and especially the burnt out buildings and businesses of their shattered cities,” said Cameron. “And once we have finished London perhaps we can send the Broom Army to Tripoli.”

David Starkey Claims Rioting Fuelled By Culture Revering Study Of History Of The Middle Ages

In a controversial interview, constitutional historian David Starkey has provoked outrage by claiming that the recent riots were not in fact protests but where a result of the oppression and ostracising of white scholarly historians from mainstream culture.

“We were showing authority that we can do whatever we like. If we want to write hefty tomes after studying the Wives of Henry VIII then we will,” said Starkey yesterday. “These riots will keep happening until the government does something for us, say by increasing research funding into Tudor history.”

Mr Starkey was speaking during an interview in which he defended the mass looting and lawlessness that appears to have been perpetrated by groups of masked historians and economists as they smashed the windows of Waterstones, Foyles and antiques shops everywhere.

“It was terrible, they just charged in and took everything I had on Queen Elizabeth I, everything was gone,” said a specialist bookshop owner in Eltham. “They screamed at me that this was caused by the feminisation of history.”

Onlookers said that the gang of academic may claim to be protesting, but really it was just an excuse for robbery and intimidation.

“You see them hanging around in their 3-piece-suits, scaring normal hoodies. They wear belts and have their trousers pulled up properly; their shoes have laces in.” said one resident who did not wish to be named. “They aren’t even trying to have their pants slipping down to make it look like they’ve just been released from police cells like a normal person would.”

The controversy has been sparked after Mr Starkey claimed during a TV discussion that recent looting in England’s most significant cities, and Manchester, was conducted by a homogenous youth culture that had come to revere the urbane, sophisticated analytical style of the Oxford don, or a 60 year old television historian.

“You can’t make this them and us, you can’t simply say that this trouble is only caused by people who have rejected the urban, anti-authoritarian, criminal gang culture popularised by the hip-hop community,” opined one Guardian columnist. “This is all of our cultures, we need to reach out to those that know only Tudor history, to offer them the opportunity to study the Yorks and the Stuarts too.”

Starkey was unrepentant in the face of much criticism.

“Fuck da Feds, right, dey just want us all to be the same, innit, like, but ‘dis is us getting our fellowship grants back, innit,” he said, speaking on Newsnight. “When me an my mans Schama and Ferguson get warring we is gonna fuck them bruddars up badstyle, you get?”

Society Declares Everything Is Now Free

A new era has finally dawned, we are now living the “Star Trek” future were there is no need for money, people just enjoy their hobbies and food appears out of nowhere. These are the findings of a weeklong study from groups of field researchers taking in England’s most significant cities. And Manchester.

“Money is now a thing of the past,” said behavioural scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “Everything is available on-demand and money serves now only to be received, not spent. For example I received £25 for these trainers that I demanded from a terrified man in Ealing.”

The researchers found that 2011 had seen the realisation of a future previously only imagined by science-fiction writers such as Gene Roddenberry or H.G. Wells. Now at last are huge tracts of society that find no need for money and spend time pursuing knowledge – such as Stellar Cartography , expressing themselves creatively – such as writing plays exploring the human condition, or getting bonged out of its mind and setting fire to Carpet Right – such as 8 packs of Stella Artois and some firelighters knicked from the Co-op

“Previously most people have only been able to take part in this new free society via the Internet. We have been free for years simply taking music, or movies etc without the burden of paying for them. But technology had not progressed to where my material desires could be so easily realised in the physical world,” explained Professor Billingsworth. “Then, last Monday, we discovered I was able to ‘hack’ the window of Currys with a brick. Suddenly everything was free. Now I can watch Eamonn Holmes in HD. ”

Professor Billingsworth said that it was early days yet to see how the new economy will function now that everything is free. Critics have complained that someone must work to make things, whether physical or not, and that this new model may ultimately be unsustainable if the people making things aren’t paid for their efforts.

“Well, I don’t know how they aren’t making money out of trainers, I mean I did. If they don’t like making trainers they can try something else. Now I have an HD TV I’d quite like a new Blu-Ray player, so they could make me one of those instead,” said the Professor. “Although they’ll need to build me a new outlet first, since I burned the previous shop down when I left.”

Lazy scum seeking justice for new trainers and the latest sick BlackBerry Bold. Respek!

As scum across the country woke up to see that it wasn’t all a dream and that they did indeed have the newest brightest orange trainers and boxes of the latest smartphones, they all said that this was a clear act of solidarity with whatisface, you know the bloke with the gun, or cab or something from London wasn’t it?

“I have to make a stand. It has gone on for too long, this outrage of me not having a 3D TV. So I took the half-brick of justice, and I smashed the windows of the oppressing power of the British Heart Foundation shop in Ealing. I thought yeah, that will teach you people to give up your time and possessions in the hope of making people’s lives better. That shop is a fucking disgrace,” said one masked looter. “All the telly’s and that was old and they didn’t even have a BluRay player. Er. BluRay player Of justice, for you know, him who got shot was it? Yes! Someone has got the tracksuits from JD. The Tracksuits of Freedom I mean.”

Many of the so-called rioters are protesting at the injustices they feel by being compelled to live in a society where they can all get education, healthcare, food and shelter without having to work for it.

“Yeah, fuckerz, we got a new laptop last night init, this is for that Tottenham bloke, the one with all the being shot yeah?”, said one user on twitter. “I’ll be thinking of him when I is watching cats in a box on YouTube.”

Whilst images of the looting played around the world have focussed on the destruction of property there is a human cost being felt by the people of the riot hit areas.

“One of my mans, right, he cut his hand, right, when he smashed the window of the like, right, like, Vodafone shop, like, right, like,” said local child, Martin Billingsworth, 23. “So we is like, right, like, right, gonna like sue. Yeah?”

Politicians have moved quickly to be seen to be saying something that won’t make any difference to the thousands of immature teenagers who have realised that being in a mob means you can steal stuff.

“Well, crikey, Bojo had to give up his hols, but it’s important I am in London at this time of crisis to make sure that when you think of me and you think of London you think Olympics, and bikes,” said Mayor Boris Johnson. “When you think of Cameron, you should think of death and destruction. Boris –Ladies Beach Volleyball, Cameron – babies on fire. Now, who asked the important question about the leadership of the Conservative Party?”

While the financial impact of the disturbances is still being assessed some of the key indicators are already apparent as Gavin from Autoglass has reported that he expects to get a really big bonus this year.

Standard & Poor rates US As 100% More Likely To Default Than Yesterday

Americans are today coming to terms with expert economists’ declaration that their economy and way of life is under pressure. This will come as a shock to the average man on the rubble strewn streets of Detroit rummaging for food in the bins of houses being sold for $100.

“Previously we had the United States rated as ‘Never, Ever, Going to Default’ but after a late night meeting at Harry’s Bar we have taken the drastic step of downgrading,” said Ben Billingsworth, 12, Lead Analyst at Standard & Poor. “Now we classify the US as ‘Never Going to Default’.”

The new assessment indicates that the US, which has hitherto been considered to have a 0% chance of defaulting, will in future have that risk raised by 100% to zero percent. The new rating was revealed in a press-release from S&P’s New York office entitled ‘We Are Not Moody’s Bitch.”

“We all knew that the government was going to be able to sort out the debt ceiling and they did that with no direct revenue increases,” said Billingsworth. “Obviously we on Wall Street are all big fans of tax hikes and when there were none last week we had to search for something else for free publicity.”

The American Dream may now amount to no more than a late night, embarrassed, laundering of bedsheets, but it doesn’t stop hard-working Joe Six-Packs from trying to restart their lives.

“Well it is a wake up call, knowing that America has only an AA+ credit rating is a real eye-opener,” said one Michigan mortgage broker pretending to have a new career in the Donkey Porn industry. “Now the US has a lower rating than Standard & Poor gave the sub-prime mortgages that started all this mess!”

President Obama has yet to comment as he braces for the next inevitable plunge in his popularity, however several people from Crawford, Texas were apparently rush to hospital with split sides.

Investors are now left to assess the detail of S&P’s analysis. The beer soaked cocktail napkin now grades lending to the US as carrying the same risk as lending to South Korea - a country still at war with its starving nuclear armed neighbour to the North.

In other news, S&P raised to AAA its assessment of shares in a new live musical touring company which will feature Elvis and Michael Jackson, supported by Amy Winehouse.

Nation Aghast That People It Thought Might Be Awful Turn Out To Be Truly Awful

As further allegations, smears, slurs, lies, truths, and lies about truths spread rapidly around the world in the wake of the phone-hacking scandal, the nation is struggling to come to terms with the fact that its suspicions that many of the people involved are actually quite awful has been confirmed. The latest allegations centre on scurrilous suspicions that Piers Morgan may at one time have actually been a newspaper editor.

“I’d always thought that Piers Morgan, you know him off the song contest show, was a bit awful. Turns out he actually is,” said normal person Gerald Billingsworth. “But he might not know that he hacked a mobile phone, after all he was adamant that obviously staged photos were real images of torture.”

Mr Billingsworth was referring to Piers Morgan’s awful tenure at the Daily Mirror. In 2004 he made concerted efforts to fuel hatred of British forces in Iraq by insisting that the spotlessly clean trucks and T-shirts in the scenes were not obvious indicators that photos of a supposed 8-hour torture session were in fact faked.

“When you think about it, it wasn’t even a year later those nutters bombed London, citing Britain’s role in Iraq,” said Billingsworth. “That’s pretty awful isn’t it? Mind you we might have to make allowances for him being the ‘horny chimp’ type viewing the photos using Internet Explorer.”

Rebekah Brooks is another figure that Britain has spent years feeling uneasy about but now can take some comfort that the queasiness felt at the mention of her name was with foundation.

“Well it is good to have confirmation of her awfulness,” said Billingsworth. “Now we just wait to see if she’s a truly awful person with no morals, or just truly awful at being a newspaper editor.”

However, the phone hacking allegations haven’t been to the detriment of everyone’s reputation, as many people proved to be awful can now add victim to their Facebook statuses.

“Heather Mills, we had a whole court case where it was established beyond doubt that she is absolutely awful,” said Billingsworth. “Yet now, because of Morgan she comes out of this with her reputation enhanced. That’s pretty awful too.”

In other news, Britain is awaiting to see if the writing on the wall is actually predictive text that Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre is a “Dualing Aunt”.

Internet Explorer Users Are Thick. In Other News Most Banks Still Using IE6

A recent survey of 100,000 web users has found that Internet Explorer users tend to have the lowest IQs of the online community while those using seemingly any alternative, such as Chrome or Firefox are smarter, and no doubt sexier.

“I knew it, I knew it! All along, persevering with Firefox’s long load times and non-standard standards compliant behaviour was the way to go,” claimed technology commentator Mr Bloggy. “Suffering frustration, lost hours with all those broken websites and the breakdown of a relationship was genius after all. Stick that Sandra. Bitch.”

The study found that those who simply used the market leading browser that came with their PC, and consequently most websites are designed to work with as a matter of course, were in fact idiots all along. It was in many ways fortunate that these users had the easiest web surfing experience of all given their low average IQ of 80.

“Whereas those users that used something obscure such as Camino, or trendy such as Safari, obviously had the highest IQ of all, despite suffering the pain of badly rendered pages and malfunctioning plug-ins,” said analyst Callum Billingsworth, 12, from consultancy Walsh Cowell-Hasslehoff.

In general the IQ scores results were quite low, ranging from the 80 to 120, which would seem to indicate that the truly bright rarely navigate the tides of filth and abuse that forms the modern web. Either that or even their powerful intellect had been dulled after several hours surfing donkey porn or just a few minutes playing Farmville.

However sceptics said it was part of a conspiracy to shame users of Internet Explorer version 6 – introduced with Windows XP in 2001 - into upgrading. Such users scored lowest of all on the IQ scale, registering just above “horny chimp”.

“Frankly anyone who hasn’t upgraded from IE6 really is probably some sort of sociopath that you wouldn’t want to be alone with,” said Billingsworth. “But then everything becomes clear when you realise that most banks still use XP and IE6.”

Slain Libyan Rebel Commander And Humanitarian Gen Abdel Fattah Younes “car trouble led to missed meetings about murder”

The world is continuing its mourning after the assassination of humanitarian leader General Abdel Fattah Younes, a long time practitioner of the teachings of Mahatma Ghandi and the leader of the non-violent Libyan protest movement shaped in his image. Obituaries of the long-time Gaddafi supporter are now flowing in, filled with tales of power, corruption, doctrinal-fuelled murder and car trouble.

“From the first day of supporting Gaddafi in the coup, through 40 years of supporting Gaddafi to training elite death squads, General Younes was always such a peace-loving man, so committed to love, to relieving suffering and to justice and freedom,” Abdul Bilinfworthdi, the so-called 'Butcher of Benghazi'. “He was just plagued by a series of unreliable second-hand cars.”

Minutes of Libyan cabinet meetings throughout the second half of the twentieth century reveal a litany of late attendance or missed conferences being blamed on problems with his old second-hand cars.

“I remember once, in about 1975, Younes had an old Datsun Cherry. Allah, praise be upon him, that thing was a wreck. We had just finished discussing which airport we should sneak the bomb for Pan Am flight 103 onto and were moving the agenda on when the General arrived, he was all hot and flustered,” said Bilinfworthdi. “He arrived in time for the discussion on the new irrigation project, but missed out on the decision to load the bomb on at Frankfurt due to having flooded the car's carburettor that morning.”

It wasn't just arriving late for high-level meetings that Younes suffered due to his bad luck with cheap cars, it also caused problems when he was due out on operational missions.

“I remember when one of his elite death squads had been deployed to eradicate a pocket of counter-revolutionaries in 1987, he got there about 30 minutes after they had just finished clearing the bodies out of the orphanage, “ said the Butcher of Benghazi. “He arrived just as Gaddafi gave free 'meat' to starving local farmers. Younes blamed that on having to wait for AA Homestart to get him going.”

Sometimes it wasn't just arriving late, on occasion the peace loving leader of revolutionary murder missed key military decisions due to having to leave early to pick up his car.

“In 1995 he had this battered red Ford Fiesta and just before we were scheduled to discuss supplying arms to the IRA Younes had to leave,” said Bilinfworthdi. “He said he had to make sure his car passed its MOT that day as he needed it in the morning to take medicine to some orphans.”

Rumours persist as to the circumstances surrounding General Younes' death. Some believe an Islamic fundamentalist infiltrated his inner circle while others maintain that he was en route to a hospital to donate a kidney to a dying peasant when the brakes on his 20 year old Toyota Corolla failed.

“Well, he was a great friend and his funeral will sadly pass without any foreign state representation,” said the Butcher. “Mainly because William Hague wouldn't know us if we slapped him in the face.”

Trends For Autumn / Winter Fashion “Dresses / skirts, trousers, maybe blouses, definitely tops of some kind. And shoes. But mostly sweatpants.”

The leading fashion houses of Milan, Paris and London are gearing up to tell women how to express their individuality by looking the same as each other. Unlike previous years experts believe [insert year as variable to save re-writing every 12 months] is going to lead to some ground-breaking fashion statements on the High Street.

“Oh darling, yes, it will be marvellous, so new, fresh, refreshing and so, so new,” squealed fashionista Saaraaa Bylingzwerthe. “There will be skirts you know, that will be a little bit shorter, or longer, than last year. Oh darling, how outrageous!”

Indeed magazine editors are already poring over the latest sketches of skirts to determine what the new thing in skirts is going to be, a general consensus is that it will continue to be like a single very wide trouser that you can put both legs down.

“But it will definitely be shorter, if it isn’t longer than last year,” said Ms Bylingzwef. “Although, radically, they could be kept the same length. How scandalous!”

There are rumours that this year’s round of fashion will include something to be worn above a skirt, some sort of top if you will.

“I think that is very likely, it may be a blouse, or a chemise, even a shirt. Tee, or otherwise. But how many sleeves will it have? We just don’t know yet. It’s just totally quixotic,” claimed one magazine editor. “Actually it will be two, the tops will have two sleeves.”

The key demographic for fashion of both sexes is largely those people who wish to wear clothes although the shoe market is polarised along gender divides.

“Since time began men’s fashion has been dominated by men having soft feet and having to walk on rough or even wet terrain and wanting to prevent their feet from damage,” said one fashion historian. “For women it is the opposite – it is madness to consider buying a pair of shoes that you can wear for longer than you could walk barefoot over broken glass.”

However the fashion industry has revealed that it fears for its future, as the key 16 to 25 year old female demographic seems to have very individual tastes that are not being catered for by the major labels.

“Yeah, well I just want to dress like a badly dressed boy. You know grey sweatpants or maybe something that looks like pyjamas when I am out shopping or spitting, or in court,” said Bekkkki 23. “Basically something that is hard wearing and doesn’t show the cider or piss stains.”

Indestructible Bot-Net To Be Bundled With Future Versions Of Windows

The news of the existence of an indestructible computer system has prompted software giant Microsoft to look to include the TDL bot-net into future versions of Windows as both a time-saving feature for users, but also as a key software distribution platform.

“Basically this bot-net never crashes and has great security,” said Microsoft executive Steve Billingsworth. “So it is already years ahead of Windows.”

The bot-net apparently contains advanced levels of encryption preventing investigators snooping on the traffic between computers upon which it is installed. This contrasts with Microsoft’s Internet Explorer that is surely only one patch away from automatically detailing your credit card details in a full page advert in The Times.

“We are also quite impressed with the ease with which the TDL software can install itself on a computer, silently and with such a small footprint,” said Billingsworth. “No one at Microsoft can understand how they managed to achieve that without at least four reboots and half the available hard disk space.”

However industry analysts have observed that it is unlikely that Microsoft’s quest to formally integrate TDL into the next update to Windows will go unchallenged by the other big online players.

“We are pretty sure that TDL’s purpose is the acquisition of personal data for its creators to sell on at lucrative rates,” said technology analyst Mr Bloggy. “That is basically the mission statement for Facebook – although there the criminal activity is the stupidity of Facebook users.”

Investigators around the world are keen to track down the developers of TDL in the hope of gaining not only a better understanding of the gangs behind the software and what they might be using it for, but also to ask if they could help configure the office printer.

“It is a huge, complicated system that we are at a complete loss as to how it actually works,” said Billingsworth. “Look, it says it is ‘ready’, but then insists on wanting ‘letter’ via the ‘envelope feeder’ – whatever that is.”

US Financial Crisis Averted As Religious Political Nut-Job Production Increases

Analysts in the US said that the country was clearly heading on the road to recovering from its $14 trillion deficit with the release of the Palin 2.0 – code-named Michele Bachmann – to the delight of right-wing Tea-Bag party supporters.

“The US leads the world in the development of delusional female politicians,” commented Kurt Billingsworthski a notable Tea-bagger. “Oh yes, and U. S. A - U. S. A. - U. S. A”

The upgrades to the Palin range that have been incorporated into the Michele Bachmann are aimed at addressing the obvious security flaws with the original Palin 1.0. For example the Palin 2.0 default location has been moved several thousand miles away from being able to see Russia to avoid confusion with foreign policy expertise. Most importantly version 2.0 extends the core Palin 1.0 functionality of being in regular communication with a Sky Wizard.

“With the Palin 1.0 there was the regular friend requests from God,” said Billingsworthski. “The new model has taken that into the cloud era as He now follows Michele on Twitter.”

The Tea-bag party will face a tough decision in the upcoming primaries as the Palin 1.0 model has yet to be discontinued, with many users unwilling to face the possible costs of the upgrade.

“Most on the extreme right-wing of American politics are comfortable with the current operation of the Palin 1.0. We know how to “y’all”, and “hockey mom” we even got to grips with the additional “mama grizzly” functionality released last year,” said a member fresh from Tea-bagging at a ‘U.S.A. - U.S.A.’ rally yesterday. “However it will take people a while to be able to understand the new Degree in Federal Tax Law enhancement.”

The initial release of the Palin 2.0 has not gone completely smoothly, with early adopters complaining of compatibility problems with history and science that can lead to corruption of important data.

“If you try to access information on America’s Founding Fathers using the Michele Bachmann you’ll find odd bits about fighting slavery when we all know that Thomas Jefferson loved slaves, loved them in all the ways. Repeatedly,” said one historian. “Oh and of course the Palin 2.0 is absolutely convinced the Sky Wizard knocked up the universe in six days. He probably filled in His tax form on the seventh.”

Manager Of World’s Biggest Factory Visits Britain And Promises To Buy More Stuff Made In His Factory

China’s Premier, Wen Jiabao, continued his British visit and promised that he would take measures to increase trade between Britain and China, in particular he offered to whip the Chinese into a frenzy to buy something, anything, British.

“Oh yes, very much so, several shall be whipped until they are pleading with us to let them buy a British car, say a thousand,” said Mr Wen. “That would be a thousand being whipped to buy one car, say the red one over there.”

China, soon to become the leading economy in the world, is thought to be sitting on cash reserves of $3trillion that it wants to diversify and use as investment.

“We have lots of dollars, lots, and Blue Jeans, we make them, like we make everything else,” said the Premier on a tour of Stratford-Upon-Avon. “We don’t have a ‘birthplace of Shakespeare’ though - yet - how much is it?”

With workers in western economies increasingly under pressure from cheap off-shore labour, the Chinese are said to be very keen on encouraging a business model similar to that of the newly re-launched MG car manufacturer.

“Ah yes, under British Leyland you had very expensive local communists that made bad cars,” said Mr Wen. “Now for MG we have very cheap Chinese communists that make anything you tell them how to do. The only striking in my country is done by the back of the supervisors’ hands.”

Mr Wen was introduced to some British shopkeepers as the historic town sweltered under high summer temperatures.

“He is the manager of the factory were everything I sell is made isn’t he? He seemed very nice,” said haberdasher Herbert Billingsworth. “He said that it was very good to see me sweating in my shop, it reminded him of home.”

Mr Wen was quizzed by reporters on the subject of human rights, a subject many in the west are keen to turn a blind-eye to as long as they can still get a great TV for £500. However Mr Wen said that it was important that China and the UK work closely together to ensure a common understanding of basic freedoms.

“In particular I was asked about child labour, and I think that yes, Britain should definitely have as much as possible, ” said the Chinese Premier. “It saves parents a fortune at Christmas as their children don’t want to take their work home with them.”

Michael Gove Urges Parents To Replace Pilots In Planned Virgin Atlantic Strike

Education secretary Michael Gove today continued the government’s theme of everything being one big charitable effort by suggesting that any parents faced with summer-holidays being cancelled by the planned Virgin pilot’s walkout should step into the cockpit and fly the planes themselves.

“It would be great if the wider aeroplane community could help with making sure that flights left on time,” said the Education Secretary. “I shall write to the airline and tell them there is nothing to stop airlines dropping all those training regulations if it means the planes can stay in the air.”

The Education Secretary is keen to emphasise that it is vitally important that everyone in Britain focuses on how we can all serve each other, for free, out of the goodness of our hearts.

“I had the idea just after I suggested that parents could replace striking teachers in classrooms,” said Gove. “You know these jobs can’t be that difficult, it’s not like these people are government ministers or anything.”

Mr Gove emphasised that a lot of fuss is made about training and “whatnot” saying that if we all pitched in we would soon get the hang of it.

“I am the country’s foremost authority on education, after all, and I have achieved that in only a year, ” said the Education Secretary. “And let me tell you something, I didn’t need fancy qualifications to become the leading expert on education! My background is in the arts – life true experiences - the stage dear-boy, that is where the real hard work is.”

Gove also asked if parents could fill in to replace the likes of Coldplay or Beyonce when Glastonbury takes a fallow year in 2012.

“And if the creation of the branch or Roman Catholicism called the Ordinariate means there is a shortfall of Church of England priests then I will intervene personally,” offered the education secretary. “I can lead any congregation, after all I played a Chaplain in A Feast At Midnight, luvvy. The show must go on!”

Louis Walsh Angered Over Claims He Spotted Talent In Dublin Night-Club

End-of-the-pier summer show regular, Louis Walsh, was said to be angered today at allegations that he may have reached out and grabbed some 24 year old talent in a Dublin night-club.

“Louis is devastated at the idea that he is being accused of being a talent spotter,” said pal Padraig O’Billingsworth. “He is vigorously denying the allegations and has plenty of evidence to support him.”

Eyewitnesses say that Walsh first came to public notice as the handler of a troupe of performing freaks with learning difficulties that he had created in the secret laboratory on his island hideaway, known only as Ireland.

“The first batch Louis made had very poor co-ordination and were basically mute, having not learned how to sing, ” said O’Billingsworth. “Or how to wear a shirt.”



After more refinements in his Ireland lair, the proudly heterosexual band found fame under the macho-sounding name of “Boyzone”. The fact that all five members came from Dublin is a key piece of evidence against Walsh ever making a play for any talent in the city.

“Louis never stopped experimenting though, he was keen that he could come out with something even more fabulous than Boyzone,” said O’Billingsworth. “And so the next batch from the vat in his lab became known as Westlife. This time they could talk, dress and walk normally, but they weren’t bright, Louis did have to explain to them that ‘Boyz II Men’ was not a day care centre.”

Mr Walsh has said that once he has cleared his name of the allegations in Dublin he wants his fans to know that he will return to work as a judge on the popular karaoke stall at the summer fair and that there will be new surprises in store.

“Oh it will be fabulous darling,” said O’Billingsworth. “Louis will be fired up to completely fail to spot talent again and what’s more after the show he will be running the bingo where he will be master of the balls.”

Rapture Failure And Risk To Society Warns That Society Still At Risk But To Keep Sending Him Money

Serially rubbish soothsayer Pastor Harold Camping today predicted yet another date for the coming of the Rapture. It will now definitely arrive in October, giving believers plenty of time to send in their cheques and postal orders.

“God, in his infinite compassion, would want to spare humanity 5 months of panic and suffering,” said ministry spokesman Pastor Harold Billingsworth. “So instead our ministry will fill His role, and spread fear across the world. But we can’t do it without your help, so remember to keep sending donations.”

Many believers have been left bewildered and poverty stricken after spending their life savings following Pastor Harold Camping’s third prediction for the imminent end of the world being announced as 21st May, 2011. The Pastor was quick to re-assure his followers that his ministry would still be there for them.

“If you assumed salvation on Saturday and thus have spent all your savings, don’t worry, I am sure God will help you get your old job back. Or a second job,” sympathised the Pastor. “And remember Family Radio International accepts credit card payments and post-dated cheques.”

The Pastor was speaking during a broadcast on his Family Radio International ministry - whose slogan is “Predicting tomorrow is Judgement Day since 1988”. During the broadcast he claimed that he had once again re-interpreted the literal Word of God.

“Of course, as a fundamental literalist we can never speak figuratively,” said a ministry statement. “But a 5 figure donation would attain Bronze level on our Savedness Plan.”

Many have criticised Pastor Camping as simply having wasted his life hoping that every day for 23 years will see the death and destruction wrought by the vengeful love of the big Sky Wizard, as predicted by Iron Age men some 2000 years ago. Others say that his ministry is testifying as to the infinite compassion of Christ.

“We can’t give compassionate refunds on donations, unfortunately, the ministry can barely get by on its $122m of assets,” said a spokesman. “Anyway, the ministry isn’t a charity, unless you are from the IRS, when it so obviously is.”

Spartacus Denies Rumours Of Being The Latest To Take Out A Super-Injunction

Slave rebellion leader, Spartacus, today attempted to quell rumours that he was the latest celebrity figure to have taken out a super-injunction preventing certain details of his life from being openly discussed.

“I have nether had a Super-Injunction, nor have I ever had an affair with Gabby Logan,” said the leader of the Third Servile War on his Twitter account. “And it was a Roman trying to seduce Tony Curtis, not me.”

Spartacus is the latest celebrity to be caught up in the Super-Injunction controversy, in which high-profile figures who make lavish livings out of complimentary publicity decide that only nice things should ever be written about them in newspapers.

“Being a historical figure living over two thousand years ago, and living over seventeen hundred miles away in what you would now call South Western Bulgaria I am, of course a huge Manchester United fan,” said the former gladiator. “But I have never met Ryan Giggs and have no idea whether he like snails or oysters.”

The rebel leader, who either perished in the final battle with the Roman legions of Crassus in 71BC, or was crucified shortly thereafter, has said that he wants to remain out of the limelight as much as possible but is also keen on the truth being told.

“One thing you can say about me, I don't need to hide behind court rulings, because hundreds of my followers will declare themselves as being Spartacus to obstruct the authorities anyway,” said the Thracian warrior. “However, if the inevitable remake of the 1960 film about me is to be made, I would like Ewan McGregor to play my part, although I don't know who would be Antoninus for the close combat scenes.

“Oh, one more thing, Sir Fred Goodwin definitely failed as a banker.”

Manchester United Release Official Team Portrait To Celebrate Historic 19th League Title

Child Neglect Expert, Kate Mccann, Overjoyed At News Of The Re-Opening Of Madeleine Case

The world's most high-profile expert on child neglect today welcomed the confirmation that the Prime Minister has instructed the Metropolitan Police to investigate the case of toddler Madeleine McCann, abducted when she was 3 years old.

“We need to go over those tragic events four years ago in Praia da Luz,” said an insider. “Only then will we know what really happened after her parents neglected little Maddie.”

Kate and Gerry McCann yesterday conducted a whirlwind round of press conferences and TV talk show appearances to promote their book on the events following their abandonment of their three small children in a holiday in Portugal. The book is a fund-raiser to continue the search and the promotion includes serialisation with The Sun, which has made so much money itself out of Maddie’s disappearance.

“The Sun is right behind the McCann's, we have been serialising extracts from Kate's book, but not the bits about us publishing stories such as Maddie 'died in holiday flat', claims they wanted £1m compensation or our story about her being snatched by a paedo-ring in 'Madeleine McCann is in America – and I know who took her',” boomed the 'newspaper'.

The continued hope is that the abductor is a fan of Lorraine Kelly.

There is apparently no truth to the rumours that upon receiving the instruction from Downing Street to re-open investigations, Child Protection officers were despatched to investigate why the McCann's left three children aged 3 and 2 years alone whilst they wined and dined with friends.

“Of course everyone wants Maddie to be found safe and well after spending 4 years in the care of a kidnapper,” said a source close to the case. “But that would mean re-uniting her with the parents who preferred a well-deserved night-out after 3 years looking after their daughter before she came to any harm.”

LibDems Considering Selection Of New “Self-Serving Bastard”

With the news of the fatal wounding of crazed, terror leader “Colonel” Nick Clegg by a referendum result to the left eye, the power-brokers of the LibDem tyranny are jostling for appointment as the next self-serving bastard desperately grasping for power.

“The news is that Clegg seems to have been taken out by the Conservative Intelligence Agency in a sting operation that lasted a year,” said an insider. “With Colonel Clegg losing his grasp on power, others are clamouring to follow him and self-appoint themselves to the role of Deputy Prime Minister."

It has emerged that Conservative leader, Dave “I agree with stitching-up Nick” Cameron watched the conclusion of the operation from the Situation Room in Conservative Campaign Headquarters via a live satellite link.

“Last May, after painstaking work to somehow get myself into power, I determined that we had enough intelligence to take action,” said the Prime Minister, “It was far from certain, and it took many months to be absolutely sure that we could really stitch the fucker right up.”

The operation to despatch Clegg was hatched following intense negotiations conducted last year when the terror leader Clegg held an entire country paralysed with his demands of imposing LibDem law on the UK.

“Un-elected despots like Clegg will always try to claim that what they are doing is for the good of the people, that they are giving the true democracy,” said a democracy protestor outside Colonel Clegg’s palace in Cowley Street, London. “Now everyone can see that their ideology and using female maths to calculate 50% was just a self-serving way of getting what they want.”

The revolution in Britain has finally exposed the LibDems ideology, and the people are now free from the endless propaganda messages of “fairer voting”, “joining the coalition in the interests of the country” and “Lebensraum”.

“An expected front runner to self-appoint himself Deputy PM would be Vince Cable who used to be such a safe pair of hands,” said an insider. “But now with Vince you can never be sure he won’t shit in his own hat.”

Pope John Paul II Beatified For Miraculous “Saving Of The Paedophiles”

Today we all face the information overload: the constant bombardment from television, the internet, with emails and instant messaging filled with the lives of the Saints. This blinding highlight as to exactly why we are all going to hell. Not a day goes by for any of us in our sinful lives: whether we be bankers asking St Matthew for guidance on inflation, aircraft designers consulting with St Bona as to the coefficient of friction of air at -15C or drunk bus drivers asking St Christopher if the zebra crossing is clear, we all take direct guidance from the Saints.

So with a new Saint to be taught to Catholic school children waiting to learn about far off planets and dinosaurs (which clearly don't exist) here are the all important stages to the imminent creation of St Pope John Paul II the Great:-

Death:-
The candidate must have been dead for 5 years. Or at least appear to be dead. Pope John Paul II couldn't resign and was wheeled out in an increasingly frail state when any compassionate organisation would have given him a bath chair, a bag of Werther's Originals and a DVD box-set of that nice “Antiques Roadshow”. However he worked for the Holy See so could expect no compassion.

Culting:-
The next important stage is that a total cult must be found to support the cause of those whose fans want to win the title of Saint. If the up-and-coming saint is believed to have lived a life that is at 11 on the holy scale then Rome might decide to call them “venerable”. His followers will be called “vulnerable”.

Beautification:-
The Vulnerable supporters of their favourite Catholic will then begin searching for evidence that a miracle has been performed. The “beautification” of evidence needs to show that the miracle was specifically contrary to earthly laws, such as John Paul II's leadership in the Vatican facilitating moving paedophile priests to alternative parishes, rather than reporting the criminal offence to local law enforcement.

There needs to be two miracles – that is things that can be attributed to the proto-saint that defy rational explanation, here we would include John Paul II’s discouraging of people from using condoms in AIDS infested areas of Africa by stating that “they don’t work”.

Canonisation:-
After your cult has had your past inspected and beautified by the cult of the Church of Rome, and you have been proven to have broken earthly laws then, and only then, can you be made a saint. This rigorous process, using purely subjective criteria derived from the mistranslation of partially complete, heavily edited texts passed from generation to generation through word-of-mouth and illiterate story tellers, before being committed to heavily edited documents of dubious provenance that are nowadays found only as incomplete texts, awaiting the inevitable reboot, is rounded off by the arbitrary decision of the pope. The current pope is a straight-right-arm-saluting enthusiast who believes that places like the UK contain sinful levels of equality.