Analysts Believe GOP Has Changed Electoral Strategy From “Given Up” To “Slapstick Comedy” With Introduction Of The “Palin Palm-Prompter”

The Republican Party of the United States today moved closer to putting its large ‘southern hospitality’ weight behind Sarah Palin in its search for a politician who won’t put off voters with complicated policies or intelligent concepts.

“Many ordinary extremists want to turn to Sarah Palin since they’re turned off by Obama speeches that you just can’t write into a single twitter tweet,” said Kurt Billingsworthski, one of the founders of the Tea Party Movement. “One of Mrs Palin’s key strengths is that you can’t fit more than one hundred forty letters into her Jesus loving hand.”

Mr Billingsworthski was responding to criticism of the former Alaskan Russian Affairs Spokeswoman’s strategy of making a joke about President Obama’s reliance on teleprompters whilst reading notes written on the palm of her hand.

“Mrs Palin knows about us, she is one of us, you know, ordinary working stiffs, you know writing the answers on the palm of her hand,” said Billingsworthski. “What conservative voter in America hasn’t done that when taking their GED?”

The Tea Party movement is a “grass-roots organisation” that aims to bring together ordinary Americans who are angry and disaffected with what they see as their country’s move away from their own fantasies about its constitution and the current President’s desperate lurches towards civilisation. The underlying fear of many is that the problems facing the United States cannot be solved by large-scale government intervention, and instead believe the solution lies in buying more books and DVDs by Fox News anal-disorder enthusiast Glenn Beck.

The Tea Party is a euphemistic homage to the revolutionary zeal with which disaffected colonists illegally boarded and terrorised merchant ships, with no respect for private property, during the so-called “Boston Tea Party” that helped lead to the American War of Independence which set the country back over 200 years.

“We was angry back then and gosh-darn-it we is angry now. All these liberal, commie A-rabs! We need to reclaim our country from this ‘health is a fundamental principle’ nonsense” said Billingsworthski. “That’s why I am here and founded my group – Conservative Homeland Is My Principle.”

The C.H.I.M.P Tea Party was the show-piece event at the end of the convention and many of the ordinary, grass-roots, right-wing American extremists attending the event welcomed Mrs Palin by screeching, beating their chests and doing back-flips.

“They certainly do look like regular people, in their suits, with their huge toothy grins,” said one analyst. “But then they just started screaming incoherently and flinging their shit around. It’s clear that evolution really has passed the Republicans by.”

Apple Unveils Another Technological Breakthrough With New Compact “iPad Nano”

Apple has moved to once again take the portable consumer communications industry by storm with its latest product launch. The company has announced a product that aims to make the well tested and hugely popular touchscreen technology of the iPad, so familiar in trains, airports and Starbucks across the world, readily accessible and even more portable.

“We all know that the iPad has revolutionised our smug, coffee shop web surfing habits. Now we want to make it easier for our polo-necked customers to have a superior air about them wherever they may be,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs making the multi-touch salute ‘ZoomOut’ - the sign of the Apple Cult. “Whilst everyone has become so used to the iPad, many people just want a bit more convenience, and so I give you the iPad Nano.”

To the background of cheers and choreographed multi-touch ‘ZoomIn’ gestures, Mr Jobs unveiled the smaller, more compact iPad Nano at the exclusive mountain-top retreat known as ‘Apple Core’.

“The iPad Nano condenses the web-surfing, video and music playing capabilities of the iPad into a form factor that you can hold in your hand, or even in your pocket,” said the Apple High-Priest to a round of applause. “Rest assured your favourite applications can all be downloaded just as before, but now the hilarious drinking lager app looks like you are having a swift half, not a whole bucket!”

Apple said that it was responding to rumours of criticism of the iPad: that it was bulky to carry around and its large and unwieldy display led to a battery life of a mere 10 hours.

“Apparently some of the brethren have expressed displeasure to my acolytes that the device is so large even though it has no keyboard, and that its size makes the Chosen Tablet cumbersome to take to places to be seen in,” said Mr Jobs through an interpreter as he continued his presentation purely in the multi-touch gesture language. “We find this difficult to believe, not least because the people who made these complaints have disappeared.”

The iPad Nano boasts impressive specifications. It is half the height of the full size iPad, at 4.5 inches, and a third of the width, at 2.4 inches. Also revealed at Apple Core was that the multi-touch gesture for “disappear” is to slide one’s finger across one’s throat.

“The iPad Nano is a truly revolutionary device, and will come with additional features,” gestured Mr Jobs as he ascended upwards. “There will be a version that not only has 3G capability but also includes the functionality to make telephone calls.”

Following the unease with which the Chosen Tablet’s name was received by the public, especially among women, the iPad Nano 3G will be sold under the name ‘iPhone’.

Hotline Closes Upon News That Swine Flu “May Not Have Killed Everyone On Earth After All”

The government has announced the closure of the Swine Flu hotline so beloved of journalists and other layabouts. This comes less than two months after the Chief Medical Officer admitted that the Swine Flu outbreak may not have been quite as deadly as first feared. Figures indicate that 392 people have died from the mild flu, a figure slightly less than the 210 million September death-rate predicted for the small sea-side town of Formby alone.

“It turns out that there may be one or two people still alive, somewhere,” said Medical Officer Sir Nigel Billingsworth. “Even so, this still vindicates the official medical approach. Although it is possible that large numbers of cases of diarrhoea were in fact a direct response to the medical plan code-named ‘Scare the shit out of everyone’.”

Medical experts from around the world are convening at an international conference to determine the best approach to future outbreaks and plan a co-ordinated response – as well as which manufacturer of a pointless vaccine will benefit from the next outbreak.

“We are all a little disappointed about Bird Flu, you know about all the panic in the streets,” said Billingsworth. “There wasn’t any, but I am sure we can do better next time.”

Experts believe that some opportunities were missed with the recent outbreaks due to a lack of co-ordination regarding the branding of their products.

“We had some confusion, and there was a lot of wasted exposure when the name H1N1 was used to try and convince Americans that Swine Flu, which spread to humans from industrialised pig farming, wasn't related to pigs.” said Billingsworth. “But we can't rely on the stupidity of the American public any more. Some of them have access to the Internet and a few can even read.”

Indeed it is effective branding that medical opinion is convinced will provide a more fertile breeding ground for medical papers, research grants and the all-important public service interviews on the GMTV sofa that will lead to greater royalty fees for their next books.

“We haven't done very well recently. Bird Flu , Swine Flu and Bitch Flu, they just aren't aspirational. If you are trying to get a week off work you want it to sound really, really deadly,” said Billingsworth. “We are therefore toying with 'Angry-Wildebeest-Flu' or perhaps 'Cornered-Mother-Tiger-Protecting-Her-Cub Flu'. There were licensing issues with our first choice – 'Wolverine Flu'.”

Whilst Swine Flu has claimed less deaths around the world than 'falling over' does in a month in an average care-home, medical experts insisted we must remain vigilant.

“We have to make sure that all instances of Tamiflu are completely eradicated, by making sure you all get as much as possible,” said Billingsworth. “So let me re-iterate the official medical advice – you will all be dead by morning.”

Vatican Prejudice Expert Blasts British Equality Laws As Having “Insufficient Inequality”

Prejudice enthusiast Pope Benedict XVI has hit out at the UK's proposed laws aimed at inequality in the workplace saying that there is simply not enough prejudice to satisfy his lust for objectification and subjugation.

“I know good prejudice when I see it, I am an expert with over 70 years experience in bigoted organisations ranging from the Hitler Youth to the Roman Catholic Church,” said the Pontiff. “The British legislation would mean the Church would have to consider non-Catholics, gays and even women as the equal of a blessed donkey.”

Pope Benedict was providing his expert analysis of proposed laws aimed at preventing organisations from rejecting prospective candidates based on religion, ethnicity, their preferred method of combining their genitals or whether they have the physiology to enable them to give birth to future Christians.

“This legislation wouldn't discriminate against anyone! It's ridiculous, it is a violation of the natural law,” said the former Nazi. “2000 years ago the majestic carpenter was very clear that no one who has genitals should use them. He has made me the expert on natural law by giving me his whispers of continual guidance. And this big hat.”

Many religious groups fear that this new earthly and rational law will compel them to employ or do business with people whose lifestyles conflict with the high moral standards of Christian beliefs. They also fear the effect the administrative overheard may have on a Roman Catholic church that is currently settling hundreds of paedophile and paternity cases involving its ministers.

However Roman Catholics have been joined by high ranking irrationalists within the Church of England who are opposed to the removal of the special exemptions for religious groups. They insist their faith compels them to discriminate on the basis of the rigid and clearly defined principles of Christianity that have been continually translated, mistranslated, re-translated, rewritten and reinterpreted, then misinterpreted, over the past two millennia.

“The pope is right to insist on not doing any business with me. As an openly gay man there’s no way that I could possibly compile a church's accounts,” said chartered accountant and committed Catholic, Glenn Billingsworth, “The binary values stored in the electronic spreadsheet files would have all their magnetism become infused with my thoughts of cock.”

David Cameron Urges Householders To “drag burglars into the kitchen, it's where the knives are”

Conservative leader David Cameron has pledged to strengthen the laws protecting householders if they beat up an intruder in the middle of the night, or maim a dinner party guest whose house price growth is better than your own.

“I believe these people leave their human rights outside, so we will make sure that you can drag a hoodie into your kitchen before you give him a good beating,” said Mr Cameron. “As the criminals say ‘You just watch your step in my manor’ … house.”

Mr Cameron said that the law must be clear, unambiguous and above all appealing to those people who only read the headline or the first paragraph of an article in the Sun or the Daily Mail.

“Householders, especially in High Wycombe, need to know that if they have apprehended an intruder they are free to inflict brain damage upon him,” said Mr Cameron. “They need assurance that the law will allow them the freedom to change weapons during the beating. There will be provisions for the homeowner to choose between an iron bar, a cricket bat or a hockey stick. Or use all 3.”

Mr Cameron was speaking following a number of high-profile cases that have once again re-opened the debate about the levels of extreme violence a member of the public is allowed to inflict on a criminal.

“I think the tariff is clear, no-one is saying that losing a VCR is worth taking a human life for,” said Mr Cameron. “But have you seen the picture quality on the latest LED HD TVs? If someone stole one from you, no court could begrudge you cutting their spines with a carving knife.”

Mr Cameron emphasised that it was the duty of political leaders to ensure that ever strengthening human rights were not abused by the law breaking to weaken the protection of the law abiding.

“It is one of the greatest principles of English Common Law that Myleene Klass’s home is her castle,” said Mr Cameron. “All former reality TV contestants who have been out of the limelight for a couple of years should be able to wave a knife out of their own kitchen window without the need for their publicist to phone the Sun.”

Apple's Steve Jobs Regrets Asking Dom Joly To Design His New "3rd Category" Device

A-Level Pupils Practice At Being Whiny University Students Following “Difficult” Exam

Future undergraduates were today engaged in a further day’s practice to be whiny university students by continuing to complain that one of their A-level exams may have been more difficult than expected given the last several decades of record pass rates.

“Dat Biology exam was like soo unfair. There was like q’s on it that I didn’t no no answers to or nofink, There was like nuthin off of de course on it,” said one complainant. “If dis one is so hard I’m real worried about ma English exam.”

The complaints about the AQA Biology Unit 4 paper allege that the questions bore no resemblance to the curriculum that the pupils believe that they might have been taught in between texting each other, and indeed bore no resemblance to past papers. The complaints are being collated on the 21st century’s medium of choice for ineffectual whining, the Facebook group, where pupils claim they were screwed by shrews.

“I’d looked at some past papers and done lots of revision for this Biology exam,” said Callum Billingsworth in one of the few posts written in English. “Well I watched a whole series of Scrubs and some Grey’s Anatomy. There was nothing in those about removing hairs from shrews.”

The children are complaining about the obscurity of the questions on the OCR Biology paper and are also complaining that the questions were not clear as to the level of knowledge they were required to demonstrate.

“I really hadn’t expected that an A-Level exam would contain questions of such difficulty, or indeed questions,” said one of the few other readable posts. “The past papers that I looked at definitely gave the impression that writing my name nice and clear would pretty much guarantee me an A Star.”

Many of the examinees were worried that a bad result on this exam would leave them at a disadvantage when competing for places at universities with other students who are likely to hold at least 12 A Star passes at A-Level if previous years are any indication.

“I’m worried ‘cos I need to of got a good grade in biology,” said another poster. “It might make it harder for me to go to a top-ranked medical university and do media studies.”

TV debates de-railed by Party Leaders’ demands

As the nation waits eagerly for the first of the televised debates between party leaders in the run up to this year’s general election it has been revealed that the shows may actually be cancelled due to the demands being placed upon organisers by the three main political parties.

“There is the expected posturing about the make-up of the audience and the proportion of supporters for each party,” said TV insider. “Labour wants more as it has a majority in the Commons, the Tories want more because they are ahead in the polls and the Liberal Democrats want more because Nick Clegg has more Gs in his name than the other leaders.”

Other demands that have been revealed are that David Cameron wants a bowl containing only blue M&Ms to be within arm’s reach throughout the debate and that Gordon Brown has insisted that he has a swivel chair and a pure white kitten to stroke throughout each televised debate. None of the parties will agree on letting Alex Salmond of the Scottish Nationalist’s watch through a window during a mass debating session.

“The TV companies think they can accommodate David Cameron’s insistence that he only be viewed in soft focus,” said the insider. “Whilst Gordon Brown is requesting that the audience cheer every time he finishes a sentence by doing that thing with his jaw.”

Despite all the back-stage wrangling, the broadcasters and political parties are united in their understanding that what the British people want to see is an engaging and exciting spectacle that will enthral people the length and breadth of the nation. They know that the public wants to be glued to their seats for the full 90 minutes and cheering their side on as they push for the final stage of their quest for the ultimate prize.

“These Wednesday night match-ups will be a crucial time before the big finale in May,” said viewer Herbert Billingsworth of Trowbridge. “That is why I won’t be missing the Champion’s League semi-finals for any political debate.”

Jesus Loves You - To Kill People With His Sniper Sights

American snipers today expressed gratitude that their endeavours to supply death at a great distance had been formerly sanctioned by Jesus Christ following news that their sniper scopes contained inscriptions of teachings from the Bible.

“It's one thing having all the training and experience to be able to kill someone from over a mile away,” said a US army sniper. “But it makes me feel proud to know that when I drop a rag-head or a hippy, Jesus is sitting on my shoulder and approving my target selection.”

The company, Jesus Loves War Machines, based in Scranton, Ohio in the USA, has been supplying the so-called “Jesus sights” and other equipment to the US military for decades and is proud to run its business upon Biblical principles.

“Jesus loves everybody, apart from the people that aren't Americans obviously, at which point they will inevitably need to be killed,” said company spokesman Kirk Billingsworthski the Third. “When that happens we want them killed according to His teaching, not in some heathen or godless manner.”

The company's product range includes the Christ Almighty Assault Scopes which boast “a compact low recoil optic ideally suited to delivering God's love in close combat situations” and the long range sniper scope Divine Retribution 300XL that “combines high specification zoom optics with a high intensity edge detection overlay to give you a range of over two kilometres to send the word of God from your trigger finger”.

The company said that it saw no reason why any of its products should not carry the word of God into battle, and denied that it was using the US government's military agencies to conduct its own Christian jihad.

“Messages such as 'Take Jesus into your heart' that is inscribed on the blade of our Calvary Cutter bayonet, or 'Burn in hell sinner' on the God is Love range of flame-throwers are important life affirming messages. For a few painful moments,” said Billingsworthski the Third. “As Jesus said – 'a man must look to everything in the land, and everything in the sky, and everything in the sea, and use it to construct the most efficient mechanism to deliver mechanisedl death for political ends'.”

As the 25th anniversary passes we try to remember life before the Sinclair C5

A quarter of a century may not seem like a long time, but like the mobile phone, or the internet, it is difficult to imagine exactly how we lived before our towns were filled with the distinctive whine of straining electric motors or the hillsides strewn with panting red-faced drivers that so characterise the environment in the post-C5 era.

25 years ago this week the streets of the UK, and the world, were completely free of Sinclair C5s. Pavements outside coffee shops, libraries and intensive-care units at hospitals were not lined with rows of scattered and crushed electric tricycles, plugged into pay-as-you-go electricity points.

“It really is one of those inventions, where you think ‘How did we get by before it?’ and wonder why hadn't it been invented sooner?,” said Professor J. Scott Billlingsworth. “Being below tyre height with a juggernaut and having even less protection than a bicycle makes you feel so alive. Albeit briefly.”

Research has shown that most people, not just those born in the last quarter of a century - the so-called “C5ers” - cannot remember a time without Sinclair's ubiquitous marketing slogan “You never feel as popular as when you wake up with a crowd around you.”

Professor Billingsworth has studied the effect that the C5 has had on our culture, behaviour and the industries that have sprung up around it.

“You probably don’t remember when all drive-through take away places had the speakers and counters at stomach height? Now, because of the C5 they are all at knee height. Yet few people understand why,” said the Professor.

Professor Billingsworth’s research has documented testimonies from ten of thousands of people recalling their experiences with the C5 and how it has changed their lives.

“People tell us how they were liberated by the freedom the C5 allowed them,” said Billingsworth. “A freedom to explore anywhere within a 10 mile radius. As long as the weather is good, and there is no traffic. And the road is very flat.”

In our C5-centric society it is also difficult to remember a time before drive-in cinemas where young, panting couples can park near each other and recover from the exertion of overcoming the ramp into the car park. Wearing only their winter thermals and duffel coats they happily spend a romantic evening shouting sweet nothings through scarves and earmuffs across the gap between vehicles.

“We all have our own stories - of couples whose batteries run out 3 miles from home on dark, deserted lanes,” mused Billingsworth. “Who doesn’t remember the first time they had sex in a C5?”

FBI – more “aged” images of Osama Bin Laden released

The United States Federal Bureau of Investigations was forced into an embarrassing admission regarding recently released images of Osama Bin Laden aged by a decade. Supposedly processed using sophisticated analytical techniques they had in fact been cut and pasted together from images found on the Internet, including one of a serving Spanish politician.

Today the FBI has released further images in the same series in the hope that one of them will assist in the identification of the leader of Al Qaeda, who may be walking among us.

Architects demonstrate faith in the strength of their buildings by hiring Sir Fred Goodwin

Edinburgh based architects RMJM have announced an ambitious plan to demonstrate to the world the strength of their designs by hiring failed banker Sir Fred “pisstake” Goodwin. Sir Fred rose to fame in 2008 when he successfully overturned established business practice by having neither any banking qualifications nor having to take responsibility for his company’s failed strategy.

“RMJM is a leading architectural practice with a proven track record for innovative structures and spaces that will stand the test of time,” said spokesman Morrison McBillingsworth. “To prove this, we have hired a man who brought a 300 year old bank crashing down in less than a decade.”

Sir Fred has been out of work for over a year after leaving the Royal Bank of Scotland in such a hurry that he could smell the flaming torches that the chasing mob of irate shareholders were carrying. It was as CEO at RBS that he oversaw the effective collapse and nationalisation of one of the world’s leading banks.

“I want to show people that having no relevant qualifications need not hold you back from having a lavishly paid job in any given field,” said Sir Fred in between bouts of laughter. “I hope I can once again show that being an uncertified amateur in a profession can gain me another lovely, lovely, lovely pension.”

Architects RMJM said whilst the appointment may surprise many it was something that both parties had been moving towards for some time, and the nature of Sir Fred’s responsibilities would become apparent in the future.

“We're very impressed with him and he's impressed with us and the rationale for appointing him will become clear going forward," said Mr McBillingsworth. “As a proven wrecker we plan to use him in our demolition department.”

Pat Robertson's face has been “brought upon himself by pact with Satan”

The face of American TV evangelist Pat Robertson has revealed publicly for the first time that it is the victim of a pact made by its owner, Pat Robertson, with the devil.

“Something happened a long time ago in Virginia, and people might not want to talk about it,” said Pat Robertson's face whilst its owner was recovering from ingesting his own weight-loss shake made from the blood of living goats. “Religion on television was under the heel of the , uh, you know, considered and learned people, so Pat swore a pact to the devil, true story. And so the devil said, 'OK, it's a deal.' And Pat was able to form The Christian Broadcasting Network, but ever since I have been cursed and disfigured by the hate I, as his face, have to channel for Pat Robertson.

“I, the face of Pat Robertson, am split down the middle. On the one side is a fuming torrent of intolerance, disfigured by 70 years of anger and hatred,” said the face. “And the other side is even more representative of a baboon's ass.”

The face of Pat Robertson went on to link other aspects of the life of Pat Robertson that others, less enlightened than his face would put down to being completely unrelated.

“You can't sit in front of this seething mountain of burning vitriol without being exposed to so many of God's truths,” said Pat Robertson's face. “For example Pat Robertson's real name is Marion, which is clearly a bit homosexual and is another reason for me looking the way I do.”

Minority Extremist Anti-Islamist Facebook Group Raises Profile Of Minority Extremist Islamist Group

A Facebook group set-up to raise the profile of Islamic extremists was today celebrating its success as all news outlets continued to report extensively about the previously little known Islam4UK group who wish to bring Sharia Law and the joys of the middle-ages to Britain.

“We are really pleased that we have been able to get them as much publicity as we have,” said Paul Billingsworth, the creator of the Facebook group that helped rally publicity for the Muslim extremists. “Our 800,000 members ensured that we got Islam4UK all over the newspapers and enabled the spread of hatred further and wider then would otherwise be possible.”

The Facebook group entitled “More publicity for minority extremist groups that want to overthrow free speech” had been highlighted by the media as a key indicator of opinion for those members who wish to suppress the opinions of people who wish to suppress people’s opinions. Indeed so successful was it in shouting its opinion over others that the government was considering submitting to the carefully considered views of hundreds of thousands of bored people snowed in next to an Internet connection.

“We have been all over the news for the last week. We wanted to raise awareness that this group doesn't want people to say things that they don't agree with, to hold beliefs that they don't agree with,” said Billingsworth. “Something our 800,000 members have a lot in common with.”

The group said it was a mixed blessing that the Islamist group, whose desire is to impose upon Britain a middle-aged culture of oppression, had decided not to hold its proposed march through the streets of Wootton Bassett – a town that has become the de-facto centre for honouring soldiers killed in service of their country.

“Well the cancellation is a landmark moment for all minority attention seeking oppression groups like ourselves,” said Billingsworth. “But we have created a powerful movement. now we need to see what other cornerstones of British life we can stifle.”

Mr Billingsworth said that he is considering setting up a Facebook group calling for a vote of “no-confidence” in any government that bases policy on Facebook groups.

Snow chaos – how the UK has coped with the snowflake

Expert research over the past week has revealed that the current snow chaos sweeping the land can be overcome with some ground breaking new approaches such as “wearing some boots and a scarf” and “walking a bit more slowly and carefully”.

“I remember when I was a child we sometimes used to, how did you say it? ‘Go out in the snow’ – mad! But in the last few years whenever the early morning view from my window doesn’t look normal I just phone in to say I will work from home,” said snowplough driver Herbert Billingsworth.

The media was quick to cast blame and analyse the implications for Britain and what the impact of the snow has had on local and national services across the country.

“Apparently this snow is coming across from Eastern Europe,” screamed an editorial in the Daily Express. “We want to know why it was allowed into the country and who is protecting the interests of pure white indigenous British snow?”

The government responded to the criticism by highlighting the efforts it is taking to ensure that roads, schools and public services are available during the cold snap.

“We are radically re-thinking ways to ensure that schools stay open when there is a snowflake nearby,” said a government statement. “From 2011 all new schools will be built adjacent to shopping centres, since teachers and children alike manage to get to them when the schools are closed.”

The Daily Express also noted that whilst you cannot use a finite window of several thousand years of weather data from ice-cores to prove that climate change is a real and present problem, you can use the fact it has snowed two consecutive days in January to prove that there is no such thing as “Global Warming”.

Meanwhile in other news the Association of 4x4 manufacturers have ordered an urgent investigation into the designs of the leading models.

“We have sold millions of four wheel drive vehicles and yet look at the roads,” said a spokesman. “We test them in the Arctic reaches of Norway and on the dunes of the Sahara, yet look at this flat bit of road near a school, not one has managed to get here.”

The roads were not the only problem with the railways, of course, being completely incapable of operating near the snowflake.

“Well to be honest we were caught out by the snowflake which was of the wrong kind,” said a spokesman for Eurostar. “We were expecting a type called 'White Dust' but apparently this stuff is a kind known by its scientific name of 'train-knobber'.”

New game show attempts to drive contestants to suicide

Sources within ITV revealed that the one time television maker plans to increase it's quality output with a new show whose aim is for one group of contestants to drive another player to commit suicide.

“Embarrassment has always been a corner stone of Saturday night on ITV,” said the source. “Of course traditionally it has been the viewer embarrassed for Cheryl Cole struggling with English or the cringe-worthiness of Ant and Dec, whichever is which, fluffing their lines during their ad-libs. But now we want to take it to the next level.”

Following on from ‘Take Me Out’ and its predecessor ‘Man O Man’ the new show, provisionally entitled “Men are Tossers” is to have several dozen women physically and verbally abuse a male contestant until he breaks down and commits suicide. ITV plans a big advertising slot for the break in-between its show-piece rounds called “Waxing” and “Dude looks like a lady” - the final round in which a section of the audience on a hen-night strip the contestant naked and force him to walk around with his genitals tucked between his legs.

“Our advertisers will love it, most of them already base their high-brow concept sales pitches on the idea that men are stupid,” said the mole. “This will put ITV back at the top – we are just waiting for the moment when one of the men slips that he leaves the toilet seat up – we have ordered the stun guns ready for the day!””

The programme is the latest in a series of steps by the troubled broadcaster to try and win back an audience that has found more enjoyment in multi-channel TV, the internet and the fun of sticking rusty forks in their eyes.

“We really want to maximise this programme and so have tied up with the Daily Mail,” said the source. “Anything that helps the female population to synchronise their blob-strops.”

Regardless of the success of this show ITV has been quick to deny that it has any plans to produce a version of the show where men set out to humiliate women.

“Oh no,” said the insider. “That would be sexist.”

China lambastes UK's Human Rights record

The Chinese government today launched a scathing attack on Britain's Human Rights record citing a list of persecutions and abuse of political prisoners, particularly those imprisoned in central London.

“It is appalling that in the 21st century a country is able to treat people so harshly, especially when the victim has committed no crime other than have political views,” said Yin Birrings, the Politburo Under Secretary for Prisoner Re-education and China's leading Cattle-Prod Salesman. “The treatment meted out to Gordon Brown would never be allowed in the People's Republic.”

The Chinese list includes accusations that Mr Brown has been badly dressed, is a one-eyed simpleton, suffers from depression and emphasises the end of a sentence by making a face as though he has followed through.

“We are perhaps old fashioned. Unlike the sophisticated British press we in China do not expect our leaders to go on holiday and be photographed wearing a mankini,” said Birrings. “We would not tolerate our leader receiving such a level of abuse as Mr Brown faces. Although we are surprised that he has killed so few of his critics. Apparently none! Clearly Britain has a lot to learn from the Chinese.”

The British government denied that there was a systematic persecution of the Prime Minister, emphasising that he was as focussed as ever on the key issues facing the country.

“We need to rise above personality based politics, “ said a spokesman for Number 10. “Which is what accusations of ruining the economy, ill-equipping troops and ruining the Health Service are. The Prime Minister wishes to focus on policy matters, such as next year's X-Factor.”

The government moved to further refute any ideas that Gordon Brown was not being well cared for and that he was in good spirits whilst being detained in Downing Street. Sources say that he is expected to be released in May.

“We all have changes in moods,” said a spokesman for Number 10. “If everyone told me I was a wanker fifteen times a day for 2 years I might feel a little down.” The spokesman was then quick to re-iterate that any rumours of the PM suffering from depression were just part of a smear campaign.

“China has a long outsourcing history with Britain,” explained Mr Birrings. “If your PM does have mental problems just send him over here and we will execute him.”

Review of the Year 2009 – with James “Bloody” Corden

As the year comes to an end we all make a list of things we would like to change for the 12 months ahead. As regular followers - no you are not mere followers, you are lovers, devotees, and evangelists for Surreal Scoop – as dependants upon the wisdom of these pages know, movie deals, TV shows will all be on your list of things to arrange for me in the coming year. Write to your MP. Do it now, I will be here when you get back.

Thank you, now let us proceed.

As my prosperous 2010, filled with riches, fame and as much drugs as I can snort off Kylie Minogue's tits beckons, so my lonely, impoverished 2009 – which you lot singularly failed to fill with instant celebrity meaning that I didn't even get a go at Dannii (DANNII!) Minogue – fades into the past. Thanks to the joys of schadenfreude all is not lost, there are people worse off than me and Surreal Scoop would not want to be the only place you could not see the seldom talented James Corden!

Thank you, Thank you! Thanking YOU!, Yes YOU!! Thank You!! James Corden here. You might remember me from "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" or perhaps the "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" Christmas Special. Or maybe "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" on Comic Relief.

Well, this year has been one of the biggest – almost as big as me – geddit?! Ha, that used to slay them on the set of "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" – I was in that you know. Anyway this review isn't about me it's about everything that happened in 2009 – such as the release of the "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" DVD.

January
It seems so long ago – in fact the people who lived in January used to go to something called “Schools” – I believe that's were my most loyal fans go during the day. The year started with a shock when it became apparent Andrew Sachs was still alive .

Also in 2009, a gaunt and thin-looking Steve Jobs caused a technology stampede with the launch of the iDiet.

Air travel was much in the news in January – Emma Thompson wanted to make sure that she never had to sit next to people like you on a transatlantic flight and planners tried to compromise between environmentalists and travellers with plans for Heathrow's 3rd runway to be situated on the River Thames.

One of the biggest events of the last two millennia also happened in January - and I should know about big, because I am hilariously fat – when America confirmed it wanted change by inaugurating its latest era of change in, for a change. Change? I have a lot in common with Barack Obama's speeches, my career is also based on width not content.

TV news was rocked to the core as TV news made the TV news headlines when radical news broadcaster SKY News took the BBC to task whilst vehemently agreeing with BBC policy . It was a consensus second only to the critics' opinions of the sketch show that I co-wrote with Gavin out of "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In", who I starred in "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" with.

Also in January was a media event of the same magnitude as the straight to bargain bin Lesbian Vampire movie – which I made with Mathew Horne who was also in “Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In” - January saw the release of the Third Volume of the Surreal Scoop compendium. This wasn't fat and therefore could not have been funny, unlike me .

Oh and the government insisted that everyone should be an abusive, screaming tosser by 2012.


February
February eh? I was on the telly a lot, helped by the growth of huge widescreen TVs because then I could be fatter funnier. But the month started badly for the patient whose nurse prescribed some mumbo-jumbo.
A key audience for my humour are children – because they find fat bellies funny, and I have a huge repertoire of fat belly. So I can empathise that the kids are having it hard, but not large, unlike me.

Ah kids, they are the young people who make our burgers, our frothy coffees and when they leave school clean our toilets and drink cheap cider under bridges, none of which would be possible without the determination of teachers to have snow-days .

There was a revelation in televised sport when Arsene Wenger finally snapped when he once again failed to see a major incident at an Arsenal match.

However the biggest story of the month – and therefore surely the funniest – was the news that Sir Fred Goodwin was soiling his trousers on the way to the bank.

March
March is a very violent month, just look at the comments about the sketch show that I did, after being in "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In", with Mathew Horne, who was also in "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In". I did some of my fattest jokes in that sketch show as well. Amazing.

It started off with news that Scottish kids would be given an extra four years of practice before they could be caged, as animals. Then it became fashionable for people to be hit in faces. The nation wondered why his attacker did not throw something more sturdy into Lord Mandelson's face Although custard is very fattening and therefore helps a comedy career. Then sadly we learnt that it was only one Manchester United fan punched in the face. Bummer.

The month ended in the sad battle of the princesses [http://www.surrealscoop.com/2009/03/jade-versus-diana-popular-posthumous.html] . Neither was particularly fat,so clearly this was a sombre occasion.

April

April was a quiet month, so very quiet. Especially during the recordings of our sketch show. On a lighter note, North Korea made another mad claim about their technological progress and the media got into a hissy fit over politicians taking direct action – I.e. smearing each other directly.

May
It was all about ends in May. Many said the end of my career, but the final shows of the hit "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" show, which I am in, were to be at Christmas. It was the end of the expenses gravy train for many, whilst others swore allegiance to our cash , it was the end of an era, as pensioners were thrown out on the street with only millions of pounds to ease the pain and as a story that could be run every month of every year, someone we haven't heard of splits from someone we don't know.

June
There was only one story in June. Who else would Martin Bashir drive to their death ?

July
July was of course one of the the funniest months. Because the funniest thing, fat was in the news, when fat women decided it was clothes that made them look fat. Sadly it wasn't all world class cerebral humour, no there was also news of a new first class service for bankers

Pigs, they are known to be fat, and so should be funny, but no one was laughing because we had all died of Swine Flu.

August
Of course we all died of in July, but some of us risk dying again when it became apparent that Swine Flu and Katie Jordan aka Price had come into contact leading to a new mutation . Some people only died once this month, but I died repeatedly, since our sketch show was repeated on BBC3.

If by some fluke you hadn't died of Swine Flu then of course healthcare would kill you – just ask anal expert Glenn Beck.

Everyone was getting into the latest fad – tying children to things – and new world records were being set.

My comedy career was not the only thing going up in flames but right-wing politicians in Africa said that there was just no point helping Californians in their struggles.

September
The craze of tying children to something continued for another month. That is the kind of longevity which I hope to aspire to as a comedy writer.

Of course, not only was there the Horne & Corden show, but other outrages too, such as that felt by baboons and confusion when someone we didn't know had a job, left it.

Probably the biggest news story was that Gordon Brown had not secured a deal with Colonel Gaddafi to ensure no deals where ever made.

Political correctness took a turn for the better when the TUC called for the banning of women's underwear.

Such a big month, but strangely whilst fat with stories, it didn't seem hilariously funny – which is flying against all my comedy instincts. Still at least we had good news in that the British economy had once again been saved by the government.

October
October came and it was an interesting revelation to find out that the Daily Mail was backing Princess Diana at the next election.

On the economic front, it turned out that those who contributed least demanded the greatest remuneration:Teenage boys wanted a pocket money increase to £120,000 per week;a youthful politician had pledged to do a days work and yet another person shit at their job demanded more money not to do it. This trend would continue in December with bankers bonuses and me following Jenson Button around at award ceremonies.

But of course, Christmas was coming and so we had to have a strike by postal workers – and mysteriously few noticed a difference in the quality of service. One thing was certain though, the economy would recover by Christmas .

November
Ah November. The month were we try to keep the pledges from previous years before making other for next year. Nothing could be truer than the pledges made by politicians on the big European questions and comedians who pledge to try and be funny without just jiggling their huge comedy bellies up and down.

So much can be read into what you sign up into – it can reveal that you are the most evil person in history – but when I signed up to a sketch in which I was naked well that was a pledge of comedy gold, because I am hilariously fat!

Wow, it is still November and we had yet another instance of people being shit at their jobs yet demanding more for doing it, this time female MPs who admit that they just aren't up to the task in hand

The big - and I should know about big as I have said the same thing so many times so far in this review of the year so why are you not laughing? Well you will because December is all about "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" – the big news was that the Sun had transferred its allegiance – they wrote some nasty things about our sketch show, whereas they had always said great things about the sitcom "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In".

December
December – the month of the "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In" finale. New readers of this review of the year may not be aware that I am in "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In". Well I am. I am one of the stars. The biggest star – literally – and therefore the funniest. Apart from that fat bird too but she didn't have a “straight to remainder bin” hit movie like I did.

In December the Irish continued to sulk about losing a football match to a handball and decided to change all the rules. This led to England demanding compensation for the 1986 world cup.

December is also a month of traditions such as the now traditional mauling of children by dangerous beasts.

The gravy train made a return journey through the wintry weather when bankers who were shit wanted more money or they would take their shitness elsewhere. Basically the same argument that fat, and therefore funny, comedians have with their agents every year.

Aside from people who should be in prison, people who have been in prison where at risk of going to prison again – the dirty rats.

December is an important time when we in the west take over an entire month, drowning out the mad irrational beliefs of the rest of the world who might worship animal spirits or sacred rocks. Instead we celebrate the birth of a carpenter 2000 years ago by dressing up as shepherds then complaining when we aren't taken seriously.

December is also a big time for the postal service, who take time out of their important strike schedule to put cards through our letter boxes, but not cards from Auntie Murial these are cards asking us to do their work for them.

Time is now running out, time which for you dear reader as an internet user, is more valuable than gold and any other person's on the planet.

With that I have to be off, the series finale of "Gavin and Stacey Which I Am In", is on soon, so I just have time to say that the year ended with Simon Cowell's attempt to dominate the muff mallet market .


Thanks for everything James and we all wish you best for next year. Although it is unlikely you will be back for the review of 2010 – that will probably be done by David Tennant, like every other fucking thing has been.

Simon Cowell to launch new range of “X Factor fanny hammers”

Simon Cowell the man who revolutionised the pub karaoke market hopes to capitalise on his huge home spinster fan-base and the obvious link up with the Susan Boyle brand by launching a new range of vibrator products aimed at those who feel the urge to rage against the machine.

“We have high hopes for our XXX Factor Fanny Hammer range,” said Simon Cowell at the product unveiling. “There is a large market for such products and we feel that ours can fill that opening.”

The range comes with various features that the company believes will help them achieve maximum penetration with the target demographic. The basic entry model comes with both a variable speed and a hammer action, whilst the X-Factor FH XL Jumbo has a Turbo Thumper mode and includes a free gum-shield to reduce teeth-rattling.

“The X-Factor deal will involve a tie-up with the spinsters' favourite contestants, each model will include an internal mp3 player pre-loaded with a selection of ballads,” said Cowell. “The speaker will be extra loud for use when the vibrator is muffled.”

Mr Cowell said that the product range would be enlarged as new openings presented themselves. One product in the pipeline is said to be moulded on Mr Cowell himself.

“Yes, there is going to be a version based upon me,” said Cowell. “This will enable women to share in the experience of the music industry, and wake up feeling the X-Factor.”

The pop-mogul brushed aside comments that his new fanny hammer division - named the XXX Factor - lacked experience in such a thrusting market.

“Well, obviously I have to use the “nose test” but, I tell you, this one sure makes it run!” he said. “However let’s be honest who should really know more about this market than me - one of the world’s leading twats.”

Internet user’s time “more valuable than mayfly’s”

A survey reveals that the average Internet user considers their time to be more valuable than an astronaut, a world leader or Simon Cowell based upon their tolerance of inconvenience.

“If a website takes longer to load than I take to blink then it is wasting my time,” said Julian Billingsworth, an experienced web surfer. “My time is precious since I only have 8 hours a day to spend on the Internet.”

Even the trivial problem of receiving free spam e-mail is enough to render an Internet surfer apoplectic with rage.

“My Spam filter gets most of it, but occasionally I have to click on an e-mail and mark it is as junk. That’s maybe twice a day, taking at least 0.5s,” said Billingsworth, the veins beginning to protrude from his temples. “Over the course of a year that might amount to two whole minutes – or an entire session watching youporn.com.”

As the growth of social networking escalates users are investing huge amounts of time in making the commercial products of massive corporations a success, time they are loath to waste.

“My twitter feed is important to me,” says Billingsworth, getting more irate with each question on the survey. “I don’t want adverts, or repeated tweets, clouding my view of what a celeb is having for lunch or how bored people are at work. I need to be able to RT, and reply LOL to the most noteworthy hashtags right NOW, not in 5 fucking seconds time.”

The 10 question survey known as “Are you more impatient than a 4 year old?” is the most detailed every conducted on Internet users in the 21st century. However, the results are said to be inconclusive since thousands of respondents answered the last 7 questions with only the repeated phrase “FAIL”.

To continue reading this article, and prevent further wasted time, please validate your existence using the TrueTwat validation service.

“Mow our lawns, and take our rubbish out” demand postmen

Postmen across the UK are stepping up their demands that we do their jobs for them by popping “Sorry, I can't be arsed, wash my car for me.” cards through letterboxes up and down the country in their desire to free up as much time as possible to play snooker.

“A few years ago a postman used to 'deliver' things like parcels, sometimes before you even got out of bed,” said leading work-dodging expert Jeff Billingsworth, reading from someone else's report. “Now they find it easier to deliver small bits of card asking you to do their jobs for them.”

The practice started with the infamous “Sorry you were out” cards that magically appear on your doormat whilst you stare at the front door hoping to hear the approach of the postninja. Increasingly customers are now finding “Do my washing, please” cards and “Since I am out early in the morning, can you take the rubbish out and give the missus a good seeing-to for me” cards.

“I think we need to understand the impact that actually delivering your parcel to you would have on the postman's round,” said Billingsworth. “On average a postie walks two miles around a snooker table by lunchtime. Actually doing his job might mean he doesn't get to his euphemistically named 'Working Men's Club' until the afternoon.”

The rise in the use of so called “Sorry, we're too lazy” cards was revealed in an internal Royal Mail memo entitled “Parcel Delivery in the 21st century – do we look like fucking Father Christmas?”.

However, a leading postal union denied that this practice was widespread and insisted that if it occurred at all it was not due to idleness on the part of postmen, but caused by the nature of the parcels being delivered.

“Clearly the public are increasingly shopping online leading to a huge increase in parcels in the system, not all of which can be delivered at the first attempt,” said a spokesman for postal workers. “And anyway what they are buying is too shit for us to bother nicking.”

“I Am Not An Oddity” Says Man In Flowing Gown And Sandals

The Archbishop of Canterbury has accused the government of treating religious faith as an "eccentricity" practised by "oddities".

“If it is eccentric to believe that I am being eternally watched by an immortal figure and to selectively adhere to the ideas contained within a two thousand year old book of uncertain provenance, then call me eccentric,” said the Archbishop in his elaborate flowing gown, gesticulating with his ornate crosier. “But it is The Most Reverend Father in God, eccentric, by Divine Providence Lord Archbishop of Canterbury, Primate of All England and Metropolitan to you.”

The government, however, said that it recognised the important role faith plays in shaping the values of millions of irrational people throughout the land.

“We don’t believe they are oddities at all. It’s perfectly mainstream to wear sandals and carry a slightly patronising air towards the person you are talking to who is going to burn in hell for all eternity. They all seem to have beards too,” said a government spokesman. “The men are no different either.”

Dr Rowan Williams believes that it would do no harm for political leaders to be more open about their faiths, and indeed points out that the leaders of the three main parties all have a very strong moral sense of some spiritual flavour.

Leading Mumbo-Jumbo commentator, John-Paul Billingsworth, said that in Britain it has never been part of the political landscape to be open about your religious faith, should you discover that you are so afflicted.

“Political leaders have huge moral issues to contend with. They have their finger on a nuclear arsenal of Armageddon, control over the economy, they have huge influence in how our children are educated, and how we might be helped in a medical emergency,” said Billingsworth. “British people have traditionally veered away from men in the street who proclaim guidance from a big sky-wizard or middle-eastern cave dwellers, let alone put one in number 10.”

The Roman Catholic Church says that selective quotation from the canon of guilt, shame and objectifying women is what is needed to make religion appealing to people with any semblance of rationality.

“This is the approach we are taking to entice Anglicans who don’t approve of women bishops to come over to the Holy See. Basically we are saying they can still shag girls,” said a Vatican spokesman. “Maybe if we had tried something similar in Ireland priests wouldn’t have taken such an interest in the choir boys.”

Prison-rat Gino won't “Do no more porridge for no rat”

Producers of quality challenged broadcaster ITV's-hit programme “Am I a Celebrity? Get out of here!” today defended their animal rights record following accusations of cruelty from the RSPCA of New South Wales regarding the killing of a rat during the making of the last series.

“Animal rights campaigners are not being consistent if they complain about the treatment of a rat that was killed, skinned, cooked and eaten,” said Sir Marmaduke Billingsworth, Head of Programming at ITV1+8 and shop assistant at a central Manchester Blockbuster video store. “If they were serious they would consider the hundreds of thousands of insects that we have killed and maimed over the last 7 years.”

Convicted thief Gino D'Acampo continued to protest his innocence amid mounting concerns that the rat in question was a tame one planted as part of the show with experts insisting that a real-live rat would never have been caught.

“Are the filth saying the rat was a patsy? I ain’t doing no more time for no patsy, not again” said the part-time Italian from North London. “I did a two stretch for nicking Paul Young's guitars, I ain’t going back, Ernie.” The celebrity then made a booking at Heston Blumenthal's restaurant 'The Fat Duck' whilst screaming “You’ll never take me alive you slag!”

The producers say that they take extensive steps to ensure that all the animals mutilated in the programme's 'Bush-Tucker Trials' are treated humanely at all times.

“We play whale music to the live witchetty grubs – as they are sliced in half – to make sure they can't hear Ant McPartlin's voice,” said Billingsworth. “And we taped up the mouths of the baby alligators in case they bit Jordan. We wouldn't want them to catch anything.”

Britain's Incompetency Rating in danger of decline – say RBS board members

The board of banking basket case the Royal Bank of Scotland today warned that Britain risked a drop in it's international incompetency rating if they were not allowed to pay a huge amount of money to people who had failed at their jobs.

“RBS leads the nation, and thus helps Britain sit at the international top table, of incompetency,” said Stephen “Incompetent” Hester. “If we aren't allowed to remunerate RBS talent at the market rate by rewarding them for forcing RBS out of the market then we risk losing this level of incompetency to the nation.”

The world reacted in horror to the news that the entire board of RBS has threatened to resign if they are not able to pay the bonuses they believed their staff had earned by ruining a 300 year old bank in less than a decade. The leaders of major economies struggling to recover from the recession have implored the British government to “just give them what they want” for fear that these elite businessmen might leave Britain.

“You mean they might come to Paris? But I didn’t mean it when I told the City that we were in charge now,” exclaimed President Sarkozy. “But France, she is just starting to recover, she can’t hope to cope with people of this calibre in her financial system,” he sobbed.

“I am owed this money, it was written into my contract that every 6 months I would be paid an obscene amount if I managed to multiply two made up numbers together to be greater than another number that has no meaning,” said Henry “malcontent” Billingsworth. “I blame someone else. If someone else had written into my objectives that I ‘shouldn't take the entire bank roughly up the arse' then I wouldn't have fucked it into next week – It's a scandal. I could have got another £1m for not doing so.”

The views of RBS have been supported by the board of Lloyds Bank who are insistent that there is a genuine need to retain top level talent and that people of the calibre and track record of City bankers cannot easily be replaced if the local Ladbrokes betting shop is closed on Wednesday afternoons.

“These City traders, you know, are not like brain surgeons, or vets or people with legal degrees that require decades of training and experience,” said a former Donkey Porn movie star now forced into the degrading world of banking. “An investment banker is a special person, a loud bloke with even louder braces whose job has the same science to it as a drunk playing roulette. Sometimes everything turns red and he loses his ridiculous stripy shirt. Which you and me then have to pay for.”

The news that RBS's board is stuffed with bigger tits than Jordan's Christmas jumper is the latest in a series of cases of people demanding huge sums of money for being shit at their jobs. The man ultimately responsible for screwing RBS into the ground, Sir Fred “incontinent” Goodwin, was unavailable for comment. Sources indicate that he may ask for further financial compensation following his hasty departure as his laundry bill has also been of city bonus proportions having spent the last year pissing himself laughing.

Tiger Woods plays around with 9 birdies

As further news of Tiger Woods “transgressions” emerged in the press, analysts and shagging pundits speculated as to whether or not the news would continue or if Tiger had got over the hump.

“For a player of Tiger's capabilities you have to wonder if there are more women to come forward,” said Peter Billingsworth, Sex analyst for Golf Monthly. “We are all, of course, expecting him to go for the full 18 holes.”

Analysts however concede that whilst Tiger has always demonstrated fantastic ball control, the pressures of his high-profile lifestyle may mean that he has been unable to play a full round whilst playing around.

“Shot after shot has shown Tiger able to get impressive elevation on his balls, and of course he has fantastic length.” said Billingsworth. “Maybe these women are all there is, but then the question is 'Did he play the back nine?”

The media has focussed on voice-mail messages left for a cocktail waitress in Las Vegas. Tiger in his press statement insists that he was helping her to swing better when he instructed her to “grip the shaft tightly”.

It seems that new opportunities are opening up for Elin Woods who famously wielded a 3 iron on the 14 time major winners car to, so the statement says, help free him from the wreckage. Mrs Woods is said to be launching a new range of Big Bertha clubs called the “Jaws of Life”.

As rumours circulate regarding the future of Woods' sponsorship deals his management team denied that he was to change his nickname from Tiger to Cheetah after the bust-up with his Swedish ex-model wife.

“It is also untrue that Mr Woods has been spotted in nightclubs around Norway as he tries to avoid the US media,” said his spokesman. “The last thing he wants is any more clubbing with Scandinavians.”

“More news is coming out all the time," added Billingsworth. "Which isn't surprising given his supreme touch in the light rough.”

Tyrannosaurus-Rex eats goat – neighbours blame Police

The neighbours of a young goat found eaten to death by a Tyrannosaurus-Rex today blamed the Bedrock Police force for not responding to a complaint that the cave in which the tragedy took place was being used to breed clones of some of the most dangerous predators in Earth's history.

“The goats are a lovely, close, family, and little Billy was a lovely little chap,” said one neighbour. “The Police were told that the cave was a predator breeding ground months ago, they should have done something because, on reflection, I don't think allowing young boisterous goats near aggressive beasts with mouths full of meat-cleavers is the best idea.”

Apparently the noise of the beasts' roars were so loud, said another neighbour, that it drowned out the sound of the ritual sacrifices from the cave over the road.

Tragedy struck when the parents of young Billy left him in the care of a family member who was also looking after the 7 tonne Tyrannosaur.

“No one liked that T-Rex, even the adults stayed away from it,” said the neighbour. “It's the Police's fault. How could the parents be expected to know that a T-Rex could be so dangerous? It's not like it was a dog is it? They are in the news all the time.”

Police denied that they are responsible for the tragedy but said that they will repeat warnings to the public in case they aren't obvious enough following similar incidents in the town of Bedrock.

“We understand that parents of Koi carp need to have time alone, and that sometimes finding a baby-sitter is expensive and inconvenient, but we warn against the false economy of having their young share a tank with Great White sharks,” was the advice in a recently issued pamphlet. “Koi carp can cost up to £500 each, almost as much as a child.”

Despite not acknowledging any blame, Bedrock Police did say they would be lobbying the Home Secretary for greater protection of children with the implementation of a new 'Dangerous Parents Act”.

England ask for place in 1986 World Cup Semi-final

The Football Association of Ireland has announced that an away draw is better than a win and asked FIFA for a place in the World Cup finals because, in Ireland at least, 33 teams can fit into 32 places.

“Ireland is the victim here – always. Now what were you going to ask me?” said Patrick O'Billingsworth of the FAI. “Oh yes the Henry hand-ball. Yes victims. And anyway, won't the colour of South Africa 2010 be enriched by a load of drunken people in green shirts who have never actually been to Ireland? No, probably not.”

The FAI said that the controversial plan will enable Ireland, and many people who occasionally have the odd pint of Guinness, to really support their side for three games before they fail to progress through their group and revert to their normal approach of buying the shirt of any nation that is playing against England.

The idea of a free place in the World Cup has inspired other associations around the world to follow the official Irish policy of 'taking the fucking piss' with the FA asking FIFA to give England a place in the semi-finals in Mexico '86.

“That's nice, apparently I was part of the England side that was absolutely knocked out of a World Cup about then by that Mr Maradona's 'Hand of God' when we were winning nil-nil, ” said Peter Shilton, now aged 94. “It really wasn't that superb solo effort a few minutes later when he shat all over our defence.”

The FA has further asked that since the rules of football seem to be just being made up on the spot that the current England side should play the Belgian side of 1986 and in Berwick on any night when the temperature is below freezing and the ground is made of artificial-hip-breaking permafrost.

“I think it's a great idea, you fucking tosser,” said Wayne Rooney stamping on a reporter's face. “I fancy going in two-footed on those Belgians, their centre-back is 103 isn't he? You twat.”

Other national associations are following suit, the Italian Football Federation are asking for a replay of the 1994 World Cup Final after they discovered that winners Brazil may also have flouted other rules not spotted by the referee on the day.

“The Brazilian side that day cheated,” said a spokesman for the FIGC. “They clearly broke the 'field a tosser called Baggio rule' which we fully complied with. For 16 fucking years.”

NEWSFLASH :
FIFA has shocked the footballing world by allowing Ireland to have a 33rd place in the 2010 World Cup draw, before subsequently banning them from the tournament for cheating - over the complete non-penalty they were given in their qualifying match against Georgia.

Thierry Henry made the Irish cheat back in February :-