Fat people’s inability to read labels may have medical not educational cause

Scientists at the Jeremy Kyle University of Behavioural Research say they have identified a link between obesity and eyesight problems that can effect people of all ages. The research may explain why fat people find it difficult to understand the nutritional labels on the foods they eat.

"We have conducted thousands of hours of behavioural research and monitoring of the cake aisles of leading supermarkets," explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Our research shows that fat people have a medical condition that means they are unable to read small-print, such as a list of ingredients or dietary advice on the back of a pack of donuts. Previously we had just assumed they were thick."

The research revealed that the reason a great many "big-boned" people avoid the fruit and vegetable sections of supermarkets is that their eyes are incapable of deciphering any lettering that isn’t in a big, bright, bold, typeface saying ‘Double Chocolate Chip Fudge Brownie’ or ‘buy one get one free’.

"The exact cause isn’t known. It could be something genetic, it could be a deficiency in the areas of their brains that process complex images and pattern matching," said Professor Billingsworth. "But it could just as easily be sweat dripping into their eyes and blurring their vision when they get that ‘pie-lust’ or their fat fingers obscuring the dietary information on a twin pack of Ginsters Pasties"

The reports were presented to a conference of some of the world’s leading experts on obesity but it was not as well received as researchers would have liked with a large body of fat experts boycotting the main presentation.

"I think a great many of the attendees were in denial, as several claimed to be unable to read the meeting details on the lecture theatre notice board." said Professor Billingsworth. "Although they all found the bloody buffet easily enough."

“In Sebastian I see the new me” claims Heikki Kovalainen

Formula One’s former superstar today praised new superstar, Sebestian Vettel after the German achieved his first win of the season at the Italian Grand Prix.

“Sebastian drove a good race and, in his performance I think I saw a lot of myself from races in my youth, a couple of months ago,” said Heikki Kovalainen. “Of course it will be interesting to see if he can maintain that level of performance as he matures as a racer into say his third season - which would be next year.”

The world's newspapers will carry long-lens paparazzi photographs of Sebastian’s girlfriend or wife, once the press works out who she is.

Kovalainen’s comments have echoed the feelings of many journalists from the specialist motor racing press who have toiled for several minutes to revise recent articles on the stellar prospects of Canadian Grand Prix winner Robert Kubica.

“I have just dropped an e-mail to my photo editor to get new pictures to go with the article I have just searched and replaced Kovaleinen’s name on,” said a freelance journalist. “By the way, does anyone know how to spell Vettel’s first name, is it an 'e' or an 'a' ?”

This retroactive behaviour has dismayed many of the older, more traditional journalists within the F1 village who see it as demonstrating not only a lack of knowledge of the sport but also a lazy attitude to writing.

“That’s the problem with the electronic age, these young guys don’t research their subject, but simply re-hash the same idea in a knee-jerk reaction to the last race,” said one recently retired opinion former from a weekly motor sport magazine. “The traditional way is to write a separate story tipping each of the young guys for stardom before the season starts – then just submit them when someone new wins a race.”

One editor said the practice was very frustrating but that it was in the nature of the beast for such a hyped sport that the same old stories would be re-hashed endlessly such as if Timo Glock or Adrian Sutil have a good race.

“The only saving grace is that it’s been a few years since I received any such stories about the future of Jenson Button,” he remarked.

Jenson Button expresses concern at Honda's night racing technology

As this weekend's historic Singapore Grand Prix rapidly approaches concerns are being expressed by the sport's leading drivers, and Jenson Button, regarding the effectiveness of some of their teams’ preparations for the event.

"This will be the first ever time Grand Prix cars have run at night," said Jenson. "The last few seasons have been difficult enough and, with this latest new part for Singapore I am not completely convinced that Honda racing are making a real effort to give me a chance to win."

Nick Billingsworth, Team Executive at Honda Racing, denied any lack of effort. Instead he stressed the Japanese automotive giant was investing just the right amount to help Jenson maximise his chances driving at 200mph on a street-circuit in the dark.

"Our technicians have been burning the candle at both ends, which in fact was one of the prototypes for the helmet mounted light we have developed for Jenson," said Mr Billingsworth. "We are applying the right level of intellectual talent to deliver to him technology that befits his racing ability."

However concerns over the effectiveness of such a weak beam from the 19th century miner’s lamp in illuminating the hundreds of yards of racetrack that a Formula 1 car can cover in a few seconds were, he said, unfounded.

"Let's be honest here, Jenson is only going to follow other cars red rear lights around all bloody night," said Billingsworth. "I could stick a bloody search light on the front of his car, but the only thing it would achieve is to dazzle all the other drivers in their rear view mirrors."

Russia declares cold war with USSA over

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin today declared victory in the Cold War following the news that the US government was to nationalise large swathes of the American financial system.

"It is clear, as the sub-prime mortgage debts begin to default and the US government starts to take possession of homes, that the ideals of Marxist-Leninism are the only solution for the working people of Cleveland," said Mr Putin. "I welcome President Bush’s plan to create the largest state-run social housing project in the world."

President Bush, speaking from the lawn of the newly named ‘White Kremlin’ in Washington D.C. said that the new $700bn nationalisation was a ‘bold approach’ to the current financial crisis caused by flaws in the economic system.

"This, comrades, marks a glorious revolution and a new birth for the United Socialist States of America," he said. "No longer will multi-millionaire capitalists be kept awake at night by the threat of having to cancel their caviar orders. I am commanding each and every hard working American to rise up and underwrite every single dubious and morally hazardous decision that they have made," said the President sporting a new red-star lapel pin-badge.

The President announced further plans to aid struggling companies in other industries such as motor manufacturing.

"Today, I asked Congress to approve, on pain of death, a glorious five-year plan to bail out the executives of General Motors and Ford," he said. "Congress will ensure that at the plan’s completion every home will be the proud owner of a marvellous red tractor."

Reporters asked if the US consumer really wanted a tractor and whether or not this was an environmentally sound solution to the collapse of the US economy.

"Every citizen of the USSA will want to do their bit, or do they want to go to the Guantanamo gulag?" said Mr Bush. "Without a tractor how else will all comrades across the USSA plough their new collective farms?"

When asked what this might mean for other expensive projects, such as Space Exploration, President Bush ended his address from the ‘Washingtongrad Inner City Farm' – formerly the ‘White House Lawn’ – on an upbeat note.

"One way or another, I intend to ensure that man dominates a new Red Planet."

FIA announce further penalties following Belgian Grand Prix

The uproar surrounding the FIA’s decision to punish Lewis Hamilton following the controversial end to this year’s Belgian Grand Prix has been further compounded after having published details of the ruling.

"You have to remember this is a very complicated, technical sport," said Max Billingsworth of the FIA. "The average laymen may find the underlying principles that we are trying to uphold difficult to follow. The main one being to make sure that red cars get all the trophies."

The FIA said that it was also investigating reports that a visiting car club had their regular Sunday afternoon parade ruined by the thoughtlessness of other people on the roads of Spa.

"The Ferrari Driver’s Club was very disappointed to find other cars on their regular parade route. Not only that but these cars appeared to be racing and repeatedly overtook them at alarming speeds," explained the FIA representative and keen whip enthusiast.

The FIA said that a silver car was seen by hundreds of millions of people speeding in the Wallonia area of Belgium and that in addition, despite the presence of rain that the driver was clearly not driving to the road conditions.

"The speed limit on the roads through the Ardennes is 60Km/h, however a silver car driven by a black youth was repeatedly clocked at over 300km/h, " said Mr Billingsworth. "We also have reason to believe that his car was not fitted with windscreen wipers in the obviously inclement conditions, nor was it fitted with a badge in the shape of a prancing horse which could lead to automatic disqualification."

The main miscreants are believed to be a notorious gang of racers who had travelled from from Woking in England. One Ferrari club member, who did not wish to be named but said he had travelled from Finland for the parade, told of his trauma at the hands of the gang.

"It was very embarrassing. Someone should do something," he said reaching for his second bottle of Vodka. "I was so startled to be mugged at the bus stop that I simply drove into a wall. Again."

George Bush to miss Republican Convention in attempt to hold back Hurricane Gustav

Part time US President George W. Bush has announced that he will not attend his Republican Party’s National Convention in Minnesota due to the evacuation and impending crisis in New Orleans.

"My soothsayers told me that the wrath of God Almighty would be descending on New Orleans at about the same time that I was scheduled to make a speech in support of that nice old Mr McCain," explained President Bush. "At times of crisis I am bound by duty to help the people of Louisiana just as I have helped tens of thousands in Afghanistan and Iraq."

White House aides say that President Bush was to take time out from his busy schedule of dancing with international dignitaries to be on the beach as Hurricane Gustav arrives so that he can hold it back to prevent more flooding of God’s Country.

"I am the Commander-in-Chief and therefore I will be right there, in the surf, commanding this Gustav fellow to go back to Godless Cuba where it can only kill communists and not God fearing Christians," said the President as he was shown a map of the USA. "Hey we’re going near Georgia, we should say ‘Hey’ to that nice Mr Putin who has just put his army there."

When asked if he felt there was any reason why the people of New Orleans should suffer losing their homes and livelihoods twice in three years, President Bush said that the solution lay at the State and not Federal level.

"The place is full of French Catholics and Voodoo," he said. "Even the ones I save are probably going to hell."

Mrs Bush said that it wasn’t just her husband’s duty as President to save American citizens but it was a historical role she felt he had to fulfil.

She said: "I now understand why all those people lining the streets in London where chanting ‘For King Cnut! For King Cnut!’ as we passed."

Ryanair to charge passengers for in-flight oxygen

Budget airline Ryanair has today launched the latest innovation in the low-cost airline industry with the announcement that passengers will be asked to purchase the amount of oxygen they wish to breathe during their flight as part of the check-in process. During the flight passengers will then be able breathe their allotment through masks that will be hang form the overhead compartments.

"With rising fuel prices Ryanair is once again demonstrating innovation in keeping costs down for passengers, " said Chief Executive Michael O'Leary holding a press conference whilst wearing an aqualung to demonstrate the frequent flyer option. "We are continuing to make air travel affordable to gasping, blue-faced Europeans."

The plan was announced on Tuesday following a successful trial of the ‘Pay as you Go’ option during one of the airline’s flights on the Bristol to Barcelona route. All passengers who were offered the chance to breathe at high altitude said that it was a service they were very interested in, some were even seen shedding tears of joy during the trial.

During the new check-in procedure passengers will be asked a series of questions to help them purchase the correct amount of Oxygen, such as:

Which of the following in-flight hallucinations do you
require?

1. Pink Elephants
2. Elvis dancing with Princess Di
3. England qualifying for the next World Cup

When you reach your destination do you wish to be alive?

People who wish to book tickets on the new OptionAir flights should be aware that if they bring their own oxygen in the form of party balloons or compressed air tanks these will need to be checked into the hold at extra charge.

The flight was also another landmark for Ryanair with it's notorious policy of rebranding small regional airports with the name of a more sought-after destination city that may in fact be many miles away.

"We are pleased to announce the introduction of services to Barcelona Limoges airport in central France," said Mr O'Leary. "Limoges offers travellers the opportunity to visit the heart of rural France and sample transcontinental rail travel and an overnight stay on their trip to one of Spain's leading cities. This makes it by far the most convenient of Ryanair’s direct flights."

China confesses Olympics faked on sound stage in the Arizona desert

The closing ceremony to the most expensive Olympic games ever, four times the cost of the Sydney 2000 games was another spectacle from China that stunned the world. However even as thousands of performers danced and sang in front of members of the cream of Chinese and western corporate societies in the unaccountably expensive Bird's Nest stadium, officials were forced to admit that the whole of the Olympics has been staged by actors in the Arizona desert.

"It wasn't just that little girl miming to an uglier girl's voice in the opening ceremony," said Chinese Premier Hu Jintao speaking in front of a green screen in a portakabin in Beijing. "The whole lot has been a fake, from the footstep fireworks of the opening ceremony to the tears of joy of our glorious winning communists. They were really tears of relief at not being sent to the labour camps for re-education with cattle prods and heavy rocks."

Many conspiracy theorists said that they thought that some of the coverage did not match what you would expect from a country with so many social and environmental problems that has always had it’s own version of the truth.

"If you look really carefully, during the closing ceremony the Olympic flag fluttered strongly as it was handed over to someone who is supposed to be the Mayor of London," said blogger Mulder Fox-Anderson. "But when he speaks, you can't believe he is real."

Many analysts agreed that it was the sight of Boris Johnson representing London in front of nearly two billion people around the world that made many believe the whole of the Olympics must be some sort of fantasy.

"Here we are, the world’s spotlight upon us, and there is some dummy waving the flipping flag around," said political commentator Huw Billingsworth. "You just think it must be a huge hoax!"

Indeed it was the unrealistic movements and Benny Hill style presentation of the alleged Mr Johnson on the Beijing stage that gave a clue as to how the hoax has been perpetrated for so long. Behind the scenes photographs show that ‘Boris’ is in reality a complicated combination of green screen computer graphics and foam manipulated by puppeteers from Conservative Central Office.

"If you listen carefully under the dubbing you can hear what Boris really says," said Fox-Anderson. "'Blimey, a flag eh? Cripes! Jolly interesting, not sure what it's for, is it Eton sports day? Which of the first years are the toast rack?'"

London 2012 team: “Only one stabbing in Beijing – that won’t be difficult to beat!”

As the world absorbs the opening of the Beijing 2008 Olympics, the organisers of the 2012 games in London say that they can easily match anything that the Chinese have so far been able to demonstrate.

"Certainly the opening days have impressed many, but they have only had one stabbing in their first twenty-four hours," said Lord Steven Billingsworth from the 2012 committee. "That single stabbing, even in the historic setting of the Drum Tower will be nothing. Our preliminary opening ceremony plans alone have 31 fatal stabbings."

Details are still far from being finalised, since there has yet to be a final decision as to whether or not shootings will also be included in the Olympic ceremony. However the organisers plan to take a leaf out of China’s book when it comes to portraying Britain’s foremost position in world history.

"There will be a colourful display of synchronised vomiting and the massed ranks of pushchairs being prepared for the ‘Parade of the Teenage Mums’ will be a sight to behold," explained Lord Billingsworth. "All over the world, hairs will be raised on the backs of viewer’s necks by the chanting of the Islamic Fundamentalists and those in the stadium will leave into the dead of night with their spines tingling after the macabre ‘Cabaret of the Hoodies’."

The 2012 team says that London is uniquely placed to host a show of such magnitude not only as a showcase for sporting excellence but also as a genuine human spectacle.

"The Olympic ideals are expressed through normal London life, the pickpockets are swifter, the drug addicts higher and the bad language stronger than anywhere else in the world," explained Lord Billingsworth. "A ten minute walk, assuming you survive, around South East London shows all of human drama in all of it’s multicoloured facets. It’s all there, from the green faces of the crack addicts to the blue faces of battered women being strangled and the red pools of blood outside night-clubs."

His lordship was one of several members of the 2012 organising committee who were today showcasing a new range of branded safety equipment that will be available to visitors and competitors alike.

"Well, they are a little bulky," admitted Lord Coe. "But we expect the need to actually wear a stab-proof vest will motivate marathon runners to overcome its weight and set a world record time through the streets of London."

MoD denies secret deal with al-Mahdi militia

Today the Ministry of Defence denied that any "accommodation" had been made with the notorious al-Mahdi militia which prevented the British Army from supporting the Iraqi and American armies in a recent assault in the Middle East.

"We simply agreed that our troops in Afghanistan would not move into the Middle East," explained General Bill Billington-Billingsworth from his office in Whitehall. "We would stay out as long as the Mahdi held position in Alberta and did not threaten our positions in the Western United States or indeed Brazil from their stronghold in North Africa."

Everything, said the General, would have been fine until the Iraqi team, frustrated by what they perceived to be a lack of support from General Billington-Billingsworth’s troops, launched an attack into the Middle East from what appeared to be a weak position in India.

"It seems that they did this without discussing it with the team from America who had nipped out to get some more beers from the fridge and returned to find their forces in the Ukraine under attack from the al-Mahdi’s," said Billington-Billingsworth discussing their week long Risk marathon.

The event had gone well, although whilst everyone had been focussed on the planned marathon session of the strategy board game Risk, the Iraqi and British teams had left it to the Americans to determine follow-up arrangements.

"It was assumed that there would at least be a couple of rounds of Diplomacy, said General Billington-Billingsworth. "However even though the Americans had forgotten to bring their board, the real problem was that there was no one around to tidy up the mess from a week’s drinking and munching on crisps and takeaways before my wife returned form visiting her mother."

It was this let down that led to some bad feeling and marred the otherwise enjoyable games session that may mean that the old university chums might not get together for some time.

"I am sure we will all remain friends, but I guess that’s why its just a bit of fun - you couldn’t run a real war like that could you?" asked Billington-Billingsworth. "Imagine how bad Iraq would have been if the yanks there had just focussed on the high-profile game completely forgotten about diplomacy and the aftermath of all the action? Oh I see."

“In Heikki I see the new me” claims Lewis Hamilton

Formula One’s former superstar today praised his teammate, Heikki Kovalainen after the Finn achieved his first win of the season at last weekend’s Hungarian Grand Prix.

"Heikki drove a good race and, in his performance I think I saw a lot of myself from races in my youth, such as last year," said Lewis Hamilton. "Of course it will be interesting to see if he can maintain that level of performance as he matures as a racer into say his third season - which would be next year."

Early editions of tomorrow’s newspapers will carry long-lens paparazzi photographs of Heikki’s girlfriend or wife, once the press works out who she is.

Hamilton’s comments have echoed the feelings of many journalists from the specialist motor racing press who have toiled for several minutes to revise recent articles on the stellar prospects of Canadian Grand Prix winner Robert Kubica.

"I have just dropped an e-mail to my photo editor to get new pictures to go with the article I have just searched and replaced Kubica’s name on," said a freelance journalist. "By the way, does anyone know how to spell Heikki’s surname?"

This retroactive behaviour has dismayed many of the older, more traditional journalists within the F1 village who see it as demonstrating not only a lack of knowledge of the sport but also a lazy attitude to writing.

"That’s the problem with the electronic age, these young guys don’t research their subject, but simply re-hash the same idea in a knee-jerk reaction to the last race," said one recently retired opinion former from a weekly motor sport magazine. "The traditional way is to write a separate story tipping each of the young guys for stardom before the season starts – then just submit them when someone new wins a race."

One editor said the practice was very frustrating but that it was in the nature of the beast for such a hyped sport that the same old stories would be re-hashed endlessly.

"The only saving grace is that it’s been a few years since I received any stories about Jenson Button," he remarked.

Karadzic trial seen as only first step in ridding world of evil practices

As the trial begins of the former Bosnian Serb leader Radovan Karadzic, the prosecution team is buzzing with the prospect of taking an important step to bringing to justice one of the most high-profile practitioners of alternative medicine.

"With Karadzic we have one of the leading figures in the field of homeopathic so-called medicine. If our prosecution is successful we will be able to drive a stake of fear into the hearts of other alternative quacks the world over," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth of the Sidcup Centre for the Forceful Advancement of Science.

Karadzic is planning on conducting his own defence in a bid to dilute the charges against him. From killing 1 person in 5 in the Bosnian town of Srebrenica he hopes to spread the effect to a less barbarous sounding 1 in 500 of the Bosnian population as a whole. His defence team has, however, privately advised him that attempts to dilute further to a trace value of having ordered the slaughter of only one in three thousand of the Yugoslav population may be too strong to stomach.

"Mr Karadzic has announced that he doesn’t recognise the trial that we are starting," said Professor Billingsworth. "This is typical behaviour for peddlers of homeopathic remedies. They refuse to recognise any impartial trial of their techniques and instead want to stand a make polemic speeches about ethnic purity and water memory. These people must be stopped before they end up telling us that man walked with dinosaurs and that maps are evil."

Mr Karadzic himself is unrepentant and claims that the picture painted by a decade-long media campaign is biased against him and nothing like the man he actually is.

"The charges against me, that I committed crimes against humanity with my book of poetry ‘Under the Left Breast of the Century’ are unfounded," he said at the opening of his new Homeopathic Clinic cum cell at The Hague. "When I realised how many people had lost limbs due to my shelling of Sarajevo I proposed a humanitarian airlift of 20,000 bottles of 10C ‘Bellis perennis’ for them to dab on their stumps and grow new arms and so on. With a dilution of one litre of daisy juice to 100,000,000,000,000,000,000 litres water this shows exactly how much me and my fellow alternative practitioners care about human suffering."

Weston-super-Mare fire expert misunderstood “end-of-the-pier spectacle”

Holidaymakers in the seaside town of Weston-supe-Mare today awoke to find the cataclysmic results of a misunderstanding during the planning of celebratory events to mark the re-opening of Weston-supe-Mare's world famous Grand Pier.

“I am not taking the fall for this one. It's just a genuine misunderstanding, ” said event pyrotechnics expert Kenneth Billingsworth. “When I was hired they told me they wanted something really special for the end-of-the-pier. Something that would say to everyone that the pier really was finished.”

The historic Grand Pier, today consumed by a raging inferno, was originally constructed in 1904 and had just undergone a multi-million pound refurbishment which the landmark event was planned to celebrate.

“You tell me that wasn't spectacular! Look at the result, everyone knows that pier really is well and truly finished now,” explained Billingsworth.

Kenneth Billingsworth, 58, was only recently hired by North Somerset council in an outreach programme to encourage older members of society with many years of experience to rejoin the workforce, and it is a policy that the local mayor thinks may have to be re-evaluated.

“Given that today was the first day on the job for our new pyrotechnics consultant and that by lunchtime we had lost our most significant tourist attraction” said a spokesman for the mayor's office. “It is fair to say our recruitment programme may need some review, but we will proceed onwards ensuring that there is no discrimination against those who have been unable to work for many years. Kenneth came with huge amounts of experience and a CV of previous fire related work as long as your arm.”

Mr Billingsworth, who previously went by the professional nickname of 'Kindling' due to his role in starting fires, echoed that the first placements by the programme may have some teething troubles.

“The day was great. It's been a few years since I have smelt that intoxicating mix of cold night air and kerosene. The screws kept me well away from that sort of stuff, what with all my previous.” he said from under a blanket as he was bundled into a police van, “I think they might need to re-think the programme though, especially as they have just hired my brother Tony 'The Spanner' for his many years of expertise in door-to-door insurance collection.”

When asked if the worldwide attention and the likelihood of serving a further five years in prison as a result of today's events, had deterred Mr Billingsworth from resuming his career, 'Kindling' was undaunted.

“You'll never stop me!” he shrieked through wire grating as he was driven through a mob of angry ice-cream sellers. “There will always be trouble when there is arson around.”

Rare sighting of “Office Ninja”

Employees at a large financial institution in the Docklands area of London were said to be amazed by a rare sighting of one of the elusive breeds of middle manager known as the “Office Ninja”. These are those special groups of managers who seem to be able to get into the office in the morning, claim a full day's work and leave without anyone either seeing them, nor any trace of their presence.

“It was quite a special moment, even though we only caught a brief glimpse of what might have been our long lost boss,” said Sarah, an office worker near Canary Wharf. “We thought we had seen him several years ago, when a few of the girls claimed to have felt a breeze in the air as he went past but we weren't even sure if he still worked here. Of course it might just as easily have been a reflection or a trick of the light, since we can't quite remember what he looks like."

Whilst the mature Office Ninja is rarely seen, sometimes the juveniles are more easily spotted as they have yet to fully master the mystic ways of the Office Ninja and only inexpertly pass off their seemingly few tasks to harassed and overworked underlings.

Heard in the early afternoon, the Office Ninja's distinctive cry of “Just off to the other building for a meeting, I'll go straight home from there.” might be the only indication that one is nearby. Little is really known of their behaviour, although recent evidence has it that they are dependant upon Blackberries – which they use to leave short messages about repeated family disasters that mean the Ninja will, once again, not be seen in the office.

For many people the only time they may see such a rare specimen is when one of the older Office Ninjas is eventually made redundant, although this normally happens many years after they have actually stopped working.

“They are a peculiar breed in that whilst other more familiar beasts of the British office environment are emigrating to places such as India and the Philippines, the Office Ninja is becoming increasingly common,” said Professor Keith Billingsworth of the Sidcup Centre of Behavioural Research, above the Metro Bar. “The worrying thing is that if you don't deal with them straight away they can become pests. What with their highly evolved ability to do fuck all.”

Euro 2008 rescheduled for the soaps

Football fans were today absorbing the freshly published match schedules for this month's European Championship and the growing realisation that millions of people would have to deal with the vagaries of match times dependant on Britain's soaps.

“Whilst Euro2008 will be watched by billions of people all over the world we at UEFA understand that millions of men want to be able to view the championship at home in safety,” said UEFA President Michel Platini. “There is nothing more dangerous than a knife wielding menopausal harridan who has been deprived of the latest screaming session on Eastenders.”

UEFA say that this is the natural progression in their attempts to expand the appeal of football not just internationally, but also to women.

“We have taken great steps, following the widespread suffering caused by the Champion's League final moving Corrie,” said M. Platini. “Cristiano Ronaldo has made it clear that, after five years living in Manchester, he would be unable to complete any match that kicked off after 1930 unless half-time was extended to an hour to allow the soaps to be broadcast. Indeed the players will be able to watch on the big screens whilst having their tea in the centre circle.”

TV experts say that whilst the viewing demographic may be different, in reality the contents of both programmes are complementary.

“Our viewers want to watch overpaid people with good hair but bad acting skills, crying and pretending to be hurt,” said Paul Billingsworth, TV journalist at the leading oestrogen fuelled broadcaster GMTV. “You get more of that rubbish during each football match.”

Marathon runner dresses as “runner”

Victor Billingsworth, an enthusiastic club runner from Hemel Hempstead today completed the London Marathon in an elaborate costume of running singlet, shorts and trainers, much to the amazement of the millions of spectators that lined the route.

"I couldn’t believe what I was seeing," said Jane from Colchester. "The children said that there was a funny man on the course and when I looked I was astonished not to see him in a dress, a Storm Trooper outfit or in a Womble suit."

Mr Billingsworth said that he had wanted to stand out from the thousands of charity runners taking part and wanted to be sure to be seen by friends and family who had come to support him.

"It is probably the most difficult part of your pre-race preparation," said Victor after he completed the course in a personal best 3 hours and forty-four minutes. "You spend weeks trying on different outfits to get the right look. In the end I went for a red running vest. My friends thought I was mad."

Mr Billingsworth’s wife, Simone, said that she thought he was insane to attempt to run over twenty-six miles in the outfit of a runner.

"I was worried he might get cold, what with not having the fur of a large teddy-bear costume or the sun-catching, dark garb of a Batman outfit," she said. "All the attention his outfit has been getting is embarrassing."

Not only did Mr Billingsworth not even doff his cap t tradition by the simple act of cross-dressing, he completely failed to take along even the most basic of marathon running equipment.

"I did get a few comments from people who wanted to know where my bucket to put cash in was, or why I wasn’t pretending to ride a large, blue ostrich," said Billingsworth. "But that just motivated me further to show all the doubters and do my talking through my times through each checkpoint."

Mr Billingsworth, a children’s entertainer and professional clown, said that his first round of sponsorship for the marathon dressed as ‘an average runner’ had so far raised over £3m.

Price of photocopier paper balloons during Zimbabwean election counting

The crisis hit economy of Zimbabwe was further rocked today with the news that sheets of A4 photocopier paper were now trading at over Zim$600,000 each. Even in a country used to rampant inflation and shortages of even the most basic of foodstuffs the news has shocked people at all levels of society.

“I had never really believed my country was in such a mess until I had an emergency need to copy some documents,” said office worker Robert Mugabe from Harare. “I have hundreds of thousands of ballot papers to photocopy in a hurry.”

As is so often the case with such economic troubles it is those that can afford it least that are hit the hardest.

“I have personally had to beat several civil servants until they gave over their stocks of paper,” said Mr Mugabe. “If the paper prices stay at this level it will mean complete disaster for the UN food-aid budget, if I can get my hands on it.”

There are concerns that should the crisis in the cost of paper continue over the next few days it might lead to outbreaks of looting.

“I am seriously considering deploying troops on the streets, “ explained Mr Mugabe. “I may have to send them in to raid my local branch of Rymans.”

The economic impact of the news may have far reaching consequences for other parts of the Zimbabwean economy and for the already fragile nature of the country’s money supply.

“It is important that the will of the Zimbabwean people is accurately reflected in this election. Such as by casting a retrospective ballot in my favour on behalf of millions of dead people,” said Mugabe. “To help with officials’ concerns and to be most efficient with such a limited resource, I have asked the Zimbabwean mint to copy the ballot papers straight onto million dollar banknotes.”

Shocking Tolkein manuscript to be sold at auction

Inspired by the £60,000 sales price for a first edition of JRR Tolkein’s ‘The Hobbit’, a collector in Solihull has revealed details of a collection of hand-written manuscripts by the author.

"I found it in an old tea chest of oddments I bought at a car boot sale in Oxford," said retired market trader ‘Sailor’ Harry Billingsworth. "I didn’t realise it could possibly be so important as it just seemed to be a bit of whimsical nonsense about fairies or something."

The manuscript is an early draft of Tolkein’s famous ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy although in its hand-written form and under an earlier title of ‘Swords and Things’.

"Clearly he is just getting to grips with his saga. The setting isn’t in the majestic middle-earth, for instance, " explained Billingsworth. "’Swords’ is set in Middlesborough."

Mr Billingsworth explained that the cast of characters was also very different from the litany of Orcs and Wizards we have come to know so well over the decades.

"We may now think of Hobbits as little, jovial, carousing adventurers, but in this early manuscript it appears Tolkein had less affection for them, referring to them as ‘drunken short-arsed gits," said ‘Sailor’. "Instead of living in the ‘pastoral land of the shire’, they instead ‘wallow in the shite’."

There are references to the rich tapestry of the fantasy world back-story that has spawned an entire industry, although perhaps it would have been less successful had the original imaginings seen the light of day.

"The elves were so central to the battles throughout the history of middle-earth," said Billingsworth. "It is surprising to find that they were originally described as ‘those massed ranks of the tree-dwelling, pointy-eared twats’."

The manuscript was found hidden in an old medicine cabinet that is believed to have belonged to Tolkein during his distinguished professorship at Oxford, during the time he wrote ‘The Hobbit’ and ‘Lord of the Rings’.

"I just opened the old cabinet and under several packets of ‘Mr Hollingberry’s Fabulous Powders’ were a couple of battered old notebooks full of strange drawings of dragons," explained the hopeful seller.

In addition to revealing some surprises about the origins of the saga of Arda the notebooks are said to also contain writing that was a complete break with Tolkein’s preferred ‘High Fantasy’ genre.

"There are some 25 recipes in there for a collection entitled ‘How to cook those Wild Mushrooms at the Bottom of your Garden’, said Billingsworth. "There is also a self-help book entitled ‘Write whatever you can remember when you wake up face down in your Mushroom Omelette’."

Delia to release even more basic sequel to “How to Cheat at Cooking”

Delia Smith, the world's leading television cook, has announced plans to release a follow up to her latest book 'How to Cheat at Cooking' which has become another of the author’s phenomenally successful guides for the novice chef.

The TV cook says that she came up with the idea for a series of 'cheating' books shortly after her tired and emotional appearance during the half-time break at the Norwich City versus Manchester City game in 2005. After a spirited first half supporting a lacklustre performance from the club in which she is a majority shareholder, Norwich, she took to the microphone and appealed to "the best football supporters in the world: we need a 12th man here. Where are you? Where are you? Let's be having you! Come on!"

"Obviously I had been supporting the lads hard from the director’s box. When I wrestled the microphone from the club announcer I was so sure they could make more noise because I could see double the official attendance," said the TV cook. "It was then that I wondered how the fans could find the time for fine cuisine and still get to the pub for a few liveners before the game. So I thought I would share a few of my secrets."

Delia said that she often had to knock-up a timesaving recipe using pre-prepared supermarket bought ingredients so that she could take her place at the player’s bar in time for the arrival of the ground staff at dawn.

"If I am running late, I save time by getting the cheesecake straight from Sainsbury’s," said the nation’s favourite cook. "I can let it defrost on the radiator at the Wetherspoon’s near the ground whilst I have a quick eye-opener before the game. And a go on the quiz machine."

Delia said that if it is a mid-week game then she has all the extra pressures of her busy media career to contend with and this can further reduce her time to prepare for the big match.

"When you are in a rush don’t be afraid of canned ingredients, they are something you can just get out and they save loads of time," she said. "After a hard day and a head long rush to the ground in time for kick-off I find that a can of Tennent’s Super on the bus acts as a good relaxer."

Many aspiring chefs wish to cook all their ingredients from scratch, however here Delia has a tip from her years of experience when trying to arrange a late night supper.

"Hopefully the Canaries will have won, and after a few swift halves in the player’s dressing room, it is time to head home. However it is usually late, and whilst there is nothing better for supper than the famous Flemish beef in beer dish - ‘Carbonnade de boeuf à la flamande’, this is a perfect example of how to cheat at cooking," she said, repeatedly. "I use pre-cooked meat from a kebab and I save even more time by not stirring the beer into the recipe itself, I just wash it straight down with a can of Kestrel Export."

Delia will be holding regular signings of the sequel, entitled ‘Cook by phone – Let’s be having you a takeaway’. Just take your copy along to the burnt-out Astra under the Carrow Bridge most nights after closing time at the ‘Queen of the Iceni’.

Fat gene enabler identified

Scientists have revealed details of the means of operation of the so-called 'fat gene' and its interrelationships with other proteins within the DNA chain. The identification of the gene, known by its genetic identifiers as LRDY, is seen as a breakthrough for millions of sufferers whose bodies are unable to naturally regulate their pie intake.

"The benefits of this large body of research into people's susceptibility to LRDY are numerous. We hope to be able to offer a genetic therapy which can be administered by injection, or orally in say a chocolate milkshake," said the leader of the research team, Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Not only that but during the research we collected enough free burger tokens to keep the population of Glasgow fed for at least 10 minutes. We have about a billion tokens."

The researchers say that those desperate for a reason to cancel their gym membership should check for symptoms which include a compulsion to queue outside a Gregg's Pasty shop and spasms of the nervous system around a salad bar.

A group of very large campaigners welcomed the news from the research team and said that it made an even more compelling case for cream cakes to be made available on the NHS.

"It is such a relief that it is an evolutionary trait dating back hundreds of thousands of years that compels me to drive the few miles to my nearest pub and order six packets of pork scratchings. Three times a day," panted Michaela Billingsworth of the 'Fat and Fit' campaign from the steps of 10 Downing Street. "Oh Jesus, I need a sit down. And a mars bar."

The research team however revealed that there was a statistical link between sufferers of excess LRDY production and the millions of people who suffer from the mental condition known as being 'big boned'.

"Despite the historic discovery made last year, it is clear that being big-boned is a mental disorder," said Professor Billingsworth. "The statistics show that 93% of 'big boned’ sufferers answered positively to the research question 'Would you like fries with that?'"

The LRDY gene exists to a greater or lesser degree in all of us, said the research team, however other proteins in the DNA chain regulate it.

"What is clear is that a person's susceptibility to LRDY is directly related to the production of the protein responsible for the American accent," said Billingsworth.

Fidel Castro steps down as President of Cuba to take up new role at Northern Rock

Fidel Castro, the leader of the Cuban revolution and president of the Caribbean communist outpost, today announced that he would be stepping down to pursue other opportunities.

“Fidel has been our glorious leader for nearly half a century but, at the age of 81 feels that he has achieved all he can in Cuba,” said his younger brother, and de facto president, Raul Castro. “He was very interested by the glorious move of the government of Comrade Brown in the UK to take a whole capitalist-pig-dog bank into the ownership of the proletariat.”

Sources close to the legendary firebrand communist say that Fidel feels that Cuba has grown weak and almost bourgeois, having not been invaded by the US for over 40 years.

“He remembers the glory days during the revolution. We had to sleep rough on a hillside, cooking wild dogs on the remnants of hot coals and drinking the anti-freeze from captured government trucks,” said the younger Castro of his brother. “This is why he feels that there is work for him at Northern Rock and he will also have the chance to get back to that revolutionary peasant lifestyle in the North East of England.”

Mr Castro has said that he is keen to get straight to work at Northern Rock, and will focus initially on revitalising a brand that has lost a great deal of it's credibility in recent months.

“Why-Aye man, we ha' tae tret the future of yon bank carefully, like. Somethin' that fits in with, like, local community would nae be too sackless. So summat like the 'Northern Rock of the Revolution' , 'People's Revolutionary Bank of Newcastle', or 'Comrade Brown's Glorious Co-operative Society', ” said Mr Castro as he descended the steps from his plane at Newcastle International Airport. “Mind, like, I divn't give a shite.”

Insiders within the Cuban regime said that Fidel had been planning his move to Tyneside for some time, indeed for the last 18 months he has only been seen wearing a tracksuit having signed on sick to avoid work.

Prince William “disappointed at missing another fight”

HRH Prince William was said to be deeply upset at having missed out on another chance at combat, having left a drinking den just hours before a fight broke out at a Cornwall night-club.

"He is gutted," said a drinking pal. "This is the second time he has missed out on some fighting after not being sent to Iraq."

In a bizarre repetition of the events that culminated in the Ministry of Defence refusing to deploy the future King into a role for which he had spent many months training, Prince William once again saw all his efforts at preparation for the conflict in the pub in Newquay come to nought as security staff ushered him outside before trouble broke out.

"He'd spent several hours getting into the right frame of mind. His group had downed dozens of shots. He was prepared like any squaddie in a pub," said the pal. "At anyone time they had a stockpile of a dozen glass bottles lined up on the table, ready to go."

The Prince is said to be frustrated at repeatedly missing out on the action. He has publicly devoted much of his time to the most traditional avenues for getting involved in violence – the army and continual and repeated heavy drinking in public.

"He is at a bit of a loss to be honest, every time he tries to get into a punch-up he is thwarted at the last minute," said the friend

"He is in despair and just wants to get away from all the press and public, maybe drop out of public life and try a role in industry."


NEWS UPDATE:

Family firm Billingsworth Bar Snacks today announced that the future King of England, Prince William, had agreed to take up a new role as roving ambassador.

"We think that the Prince can help realise some significant growth in sales using his renowned personal charisma," said Joseph Billingsworth, CEO. "In particular he is keen to try door-to-door sales of our new range of Pork Scratchings at South London mosques."

Sir Paul McCartney offers to conduct divorce settlement under sharia law

In a surprise move the legal team representing Sir Paul McCartney has offered to resolve the differences between him and former wife Heather Mills under sharia law.

"Clearly this whole sorry affair has been going on long enough and so Sir Paul feels that it can be brought to a swifter conclusion by the application of fundamentalist Islamic rulings," said Irene Billingsworth, representing the former Beatle.

Heather Mills, who is representing herself at the current rational hearing, is believed to be considering the offer and will respond in the next couple of days, once she has hired a man to speak on her behalf. The proposal would see Miss Mills receive a substantial monetary settlement before she is stoned to death in a public ceremony at the holy site of the Abbey Road recording studios.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, who today launched a new range of Church of England vestments based on the burka, welcomed the news as confirmation of the theme of his recent speech entitled 'You lot aren't taking bloody Christianity seriously enough'.

"The idea of arbitration based on mystic law is exactly the way we should go and shows that the UK has advanced too far away from the kinds of superstition I have spent my life promoting," said a voice from under several yards of fabric.

Whilst Ms Mills has made no public comment on any aspect of the proceedings, a close friend said that she was considering the suggestion.

"Heather is clearly the victim in this drama. She is the one having to leak scurrilous stories and innuendo to the tabloid media," said the pal. "There is £800m at stake and without portraying herself as a martyr she doesn't have a leg to stand on."

Many social commentators believe that the move would be popular with supporters of both sides of the dispute, dubbed the 'Most Tedious Divorce of the Century', and would certainly be welcomed by the public at large.

"If you sold tickets for the honour killing at Wembley, it would be a sell-out within a few hours," said one tabloid journalist. "During her recent unhinged performances on breakfast TV, there can't have been many people watching who didn't want to stone her themselves."

Axis Of Evil reveals expansion plans

The loose collective of nations known as the 'Axis Of Evil' has announced plans for enlargement from the founding three members of Iraq, Iran and North Korea, to bring other states under its political umbrella.

"We were forged, from what most people thought was just a poor piece of ridiculously simplistic imagery of a world that didn't exist, into states that six years later are right at the heart of the world's political and indeed cultural life," said Ofdad Billingjani, the group's spokesman.

The group says that it's economic and cultural model has captured the imaginations of the world and wants to make this available to other like minded countries.

"A decade ago, before the formation of the AOE, our three founding members were pariah states, shunned by the world, with little political or economic power. Today two of the member states are boasting nuclear capability!" explained Mr Billingjani. "Barely a day goes by without a mention of one of the countries on a US news broadcast, in a British paper or Parisian brothel."

It isn't just current affairs and technology where the Axis Of Evil has taken a pre-eminent role in world affairs; it has grasped the imaginations of leading writers and thinkers across the cultural landscape.

"Hollywood movies are full of references to Iran and Iraq especially, less so North Korea until someone hires a Chinese Elvis impersonator to play Kim Jong-Il," said Billingjani. "Not just that but the Iranian terrorist has replaced the iconic British mastermind as the standard evil stereotype."

The group of three now sees an opportunity to expand and has offered alignment talks with Syria and the emerging totalitarianism of Pakistan.

"We hope to be able to invite more and more nation's that share our ideals, especially Syria, who will probably need a nuke or two in the near future if the US continues its grand tour. With Pakistan being a theocracy effectively under martial law and holding hundreds of nuclear weapons, we feel it can really enhance what we hope to call the Evil 5," said Billingjani.

The E5 sees its future expansion as being intrinsic to it’s economic influence, an area where it feels that pure hatred will never be enough to sustain member states individually.

"We have to co-operate to compete with the big players," said Mr Billingjani. "We hope to create a future in which millions of people can be assured that at least half of the torture equipment being used upon them will bear the inscription ‘Made in the AOE’."

However the nascent E5 has plans to expand outside the Middle East and Asia and into the more developed countries.

"We are an open group of despotic nations. Our plans for enlargement are open to any country that shares our ideals of leadership by irrational theocracy, torture and overt threats to other countries," explained Mr Billingjani. "Indeed, if they can sort out the problems they have with their religious fundamentalists and their weak currency, we hope one day to be able to an extend an invitation to the USA."

QVC presenter lands “dream market stall role”

Giles Billingsworth, one of the leading lights of television shopping, was today celebrating landing one of the prized jobs in his industry when he was confirmed as the face of "Alan's 'lectrics" in the Camden Lock market.

"It was a great opportunity that I simply could not pass-up," said Mr Billingsworth of his new appointment. "You know you work hard all those years knocking out pots and pans and embroidery sets at 2am, this makes it all worthwhile."

Giles, recently voted 23rd in a poll of housewives favourite camp presenters, said that there was fierce competition in the tele-shopping industry to land such career enhancing roles.

"TV shopping is great, but there is more to the true craft than talking to a producer who is pretending to be a caller gushing about a set of tea-towels," said Billingsworth. ""Everyone is trying to get that high-profile role at the front of the stall, dealing with real people directly and tackling real issues – such as why the packaging is damaged and covered in broken glass."

Mr Billingsworth said that he was looking forward not just to a higher profile role at an open air market, compared to a barely watched digital TV channel, but also hoping to explore the true art of selling tat.

"When you tread the boards, you are really part of the creative process," he said. "The real art, where you give so much of yourself to the craft, is less about repeating the same script of product specs night after night. Instead you are able to get a real empathy with your audience. Or whether he is just a nark on the lookout for dodgy DVDs"

For Giles it this intensity of the live performance and not just the money, that had lured him to the open air market.

"The TV role is draining – acting astonished, hour after hour, at each bout of pre-rehearsed price slashing. I wanted to get back to be a true creative, back to the amateur dramatics of the cake stall at my village fête when I was a teenager," he said. "There is nothing like the smell greasy burgers or the roar of the two-stroke generator when you are doing that matinee performance on a Saturday. When you are in a studio, with only the unblinking eye of the cold camera lens for company, you rarely get the thrill of running away from the coppers with a suitcase of knocked-off watches."

Billingsworth says that he has not turned his back on further film and television work in the future, indeed he hopes that if his live performance on the market is a success it will increase his credibility with casting directors on the next rung up the ladder of stardom.

"I want to show my range of talents. I have gone from TV shopping on to market stall level of performance," he said. "After that I hope to move up to a bit part in an independently produced porn movie."

Unemployed man decries Minogue's “double standards”

Sitting, perched on the barstool, Reginald Billingsworth does not outwardly give the impression of a man ruined by a public love affair that spans the globe. Calmly sipping his pint of mild, Billingsworth looks but a percentage of his 58 years: his comb-over receives frequent preening, he frequently sweeps the pork scratching crumbs from the cardigan covering over his paunch.

"It really is outrageous you know, it's political correctness gone mad." says Reginald. His eyes are a bit red and bloodshot, but whether it is from emotion or the jet lag of his flight from Australia, he is not saying. What he does say is that the world is not only mad, but no longer a place for young, athletic, red-blooded males.

"It seems everywhere, not just England, not even just Salford, is pandering to women these days," he says with thinly disguised bitterness. "All I did was rush to the assistance of a woman and express my feelings for her and I get deported. Not only that but the feminazi courts say I have to stay a mile away from Kylie. I can't afford a telephoto lens to cover that distance."

Mr Billingsworth, a victim he says of a society that has simply lost touch with the needs of honest working men like himself, is determined his story should be told. It is, he says far more succinctly than can be written, a warning of the sweeping emasculation of our society.

"I had to save up a lot of my disability benefit for that ticket to Sydney. I haven't been able to work for nigh on thirteen year because of a trapped nerve in my elbow." he said. "I heard that Kylie was unhappy, wanted love, and a family and went to her aid."

According to press reports Kylie Minogue is desperately seeking a family and has got back together with one-time partner Olivier Martinez after he drunkenly phoned her up late one night and has agreed to give her the baby she yearns for.

"I did better than that," said Reginald. "I turned up at her home in Sydney in the early ours, drunk too and offered to get her pregnant right there and then. I'd even got a few Victoria Bitters in. It seems it's one law for handsome, sophisticated, Parisian actors and another for hard-working men from Salford."

Reginald is unbowed by his experience and even being barred from Australia is, he says, no barrier to him being able to share true happiness with one of the women of his fevered dreams.

"I read that Dannii Minogue is complaining she isn't getting enough and she's in that there London for the X-Factor soon," he said. "I don't mind springing for the blonde wig."

MPs to vote on moving House of Commons to Virgin Islands

MPs will today vote on a Private Member's Bill regarding future accommodation for the Mother of Parliaments as the Palace of Westminster faces a highly disruptive period of maintenance. Analysts believe the new temporary offices are likely to be overseas. The timing is thought to be especially favourable for many MPs now that the parliamentary Standards and Privileges Committee has woken up to exactly how much public money finds it’s way to the family members of some MPs.

"I have asked many MPs and taken some advice from my accountant and all are very much in favour of moving the House of Commons to the British Virgin Islands," said Tory MP, Derek Conway. "It is a shame I am having to stand down over my financial dealings, as it would open up a lot of opportunities for my constituents in Old Bexley and Sidcup who have not yet worked in an overseas tax-haven. Such as my wife and sons."

MPs are concerned about the possible disruption caused by even a temporary move of the commons’ chamber lending the British Virgin Islands proposals a great deal of cross-party support. The move would also bring closer those people most important to a constituency MP, his financial advisors.

"Moving the Houses of Commons to a new, purpose-built location will provide 21st century parliamentarians with the office-complex-cum-country-club that they need," said former Wales Secretary and cash enthusiast Peter Hain. "The weather out there would be good for my hard-working secretary - my 80 year old mum."

Those members of parliament thought of as the most conservative could see merit in the idea even if it means a break with tradition and a likelihood of increase costs at such a remote location.

"Whilst it often seems that the old ways are being swept away by the tide of change, we must always look to the future," said Tory MP Sir Nicholas Winterton. "Now that traditional dodges - such as having the public pay the notional rent on a flat in London that one has in trust for one’s children - have been found out, we need to look further afield for new opportunities."

Many political analysts see little downside in the move, saying that it represented a logical step in the modernisation of parliamentary practice.

"I think it would improve the quality and accessibility of parliament to move the commons 5,000 miles to the Caribbean," said Gavin Billingsworth, parliamentary sketch writer for the Daily Express. "You would get a lot more attendance and quality reporting of debates by journalists if they were held at a beach-front bar."

Market analysts “FTSE, NASDAQ, BINGO - no idea what those numbers really mean”

Today global markets were reacting positively to the United States Federal Reserves second dramatic drop in interest rates in as many weeks. On the other hand, possibly to the cute dog that was running around the smoking garden at one brokerage.

Trader’s moods on Wall Street fluctuated as they digested the latest statement from Fed Boss Ben Bernanke and some of the latest performance indicators coming out of the construction sector. However the Dow Jones ended the day rising sharply after a group of traders watched the "Evolution of Dance" video on YouTube.

Market experts such as Callum Billingsworth, 20, Chief Economist with analysts Smith, Smithie and Smythe Associates, have to deal with hundreds of pieces of economic data and statistical reports, to determine the direction the market will take.

"This stock here is being traded heavily and the price is rising right. That is because the market thinks that the latest news regarding inflation will increase retail foot-fall and thus luxury expenditure, such as expensive frothy coffee, will go up," he said. "No wait, that one’s gone red now. That is because the news that unemployment has gone down, no wait, up. And there is some flooding near a shopping centre in …. No it is back in the black now, that is because Gordon Brown’s gone to China to, wait. Red again."

At this point Mr Billingsworth looked for late breaking news from the BBC, Sky and Bloomberg before watching part of the Bugatti Veyron race from ‘Top Gear’, leading him to have a "really good feeling about the prospects of the truffle industry".

"The markets are terribly turbulent at the moment, every different piece of news sends them spiralling up or down. Who knows where it will go next?" said Mr Billingsworth. "Seriously, if your readers have any ideas, we’d love to hear them."

The CAC40 in Paris was suffering another difficult day with more revelations regarding Jerome Kerviel's actions at Societe General being compounded by the news that beleaguered trader’s would face a extra 5 wheezing minutes walk as the nearest Tabac had run out of Gitanes. Millions of Euros were wiped off the values of shares.

However a mood of optimism broke out the FTSE when one of the trader’s reacted quickly to some unexpected housing news from the United States.

"Well it was really quite thrilling," said a trader at the LSE, who didn’t wish to be named, as his family isn’t aware of what he does for a living - to avoid embarrassment he says he is an actor specialising in Donkey Porn. "I suddenly realised that the housing market here is nothing like that in the USA. We are much more sophisticated and stable here. I made a killing and it was all thanks to last night’s ‘A place in the Sun’."

However such loose-cannon behaviour did not go unnoticed and, with the current fear of rogue traders, such independent thinking can be dangerous.

"You have to be careful how you operate, just look at Societe Generale," said another trader who again did not wish to be named in case his wife found out their expensive lifestyle was not made by selling drugs at school gates. "If they had stuck to the City way and just followed whatever shares were moving on the Dow Jones until their hangovers cleared they would still have a pot to piss in."