Fidel Castro steps down as President of Cuba to take up new role at Northern Rock

Fidel Castro, the leader of the Cuban revolution and president of the Caribbean communist outpost, today announced that he would be stepping down to pursue other opportunities.

“Fidel has been our glorious leader for nearly half a century but, at the age of 81 feels that he has achieved all he can in Cuba,” said his younger brother, and de facto president, Raul Castro. “He was very interested by the glorious move of the government of Comrade Brown in the UK to take a whole capitalist-pig-dog bank into the ownership of the proletariat.”

Sources close to the legendary firebrand communist say that Fidel feels that Cuba has grown weak and almost bourgeois, having not been invaded by the US for over 40 years.

“He remembers the glory days during the revolution. We had to sleep rough on a hillside, cooking wild dogs on the remnants of hot coals and drinking the anti-freeze from captured government trucks,” said the younger Castro of his brother. “This is why he feels that there is work for him at Northern Rock and he will also have the chance to get back to that revolutionary peasant lifestyle in the North East of England.”

Mr Castro has said that he is keen to get straight to work at Northern Rock, and will focus initially on revitalising a brand that has lost a great deal of it's credibility in recent months.

“Why-Aye man, we ha' tae tret the future of yon bank carefully, like. Somethin' that fits in with, like, local community would nae be too sackless. So summat like the 'Northern Rock of the Revolution' , 'People's Revolutionary Bank of Newcastle', or 'Comrade Brown's Glorious Co-operative Society', ” said Mr Castro as he descended the steps from his plane at Newcastle International Airport. “Mind, like, I divn't give a shite.”

Insiders within the Cuban regime said that Fidel had been planning his move to Tyneside for some time, indeed for the last 18 months he has only been seen wearing a tracksuit having signed on sick to avoid work.

Prince William “disappointed at missing another fight”

HRH Prince William was said to be deeply upset at having missed out on another chance at combat, having left a drinking den just hours before a fight broke out at a Cornwall night-club.

"He is gutted," said a drinking pal. "This is the second time he has missed out on some fighting after not being sent to Iraq."

In a bizarre repetition of the events that culminated in the Ministry of Defence refusing to deploy the future King into a role for which he had spent many months training, Prince William once again saw all his efforts at preparation for the conflict in the pub in Newquay come to nought as security staff ushered him outside before trouble broke out.

"He'd spent several hours getting into the right frame of mind. His group had downed dozens of shots. He was prepared like any squaddie in a pub," said the pal. "At anyone time they had a stockpile of a dozen glass bottles lined up on the table, ready to go."

The Prince is said to be frustrated at repeatedly missing out on the action. He has publicly devoted much of his time to the most traditional avenues for getting involved in violence – the army and continual and repeated heavy drinking in public.

"He is at a bit of a loss to be honest, every time he tries to get into a punch-up he is thwarted at the last minute," said the friend

"He is in despair and just wants to get away from all the press and public, maybe drop out of public life and try a role in industry."


NEWS UPDATE:

Family firm Billingsworth Bar Snacks today announced that the future King of England, Prince William, had agreed to take up a new role as roving ambassador.

"We think that the Prince can help realise some significant growth in sales using his renowned personal charisma," said Joseph Billingsworth, CEO. "In particular he is keen to try door-to-door sales of our new range of Pork Scratchings at South London mosques."

Sir Paul McCartney offers to conduct divorce settlement under sharia law

In a surprise move the legal team representing Sir Paul McCartney has offered to resolve the differences between him and former wife Heather Mills under sharia law.

"Clearly this whole sorry affair has been going on long enough and so Sir Paul feels that it can be brought to a swifter conclusion by the application of fundamentalist Islamic rulings," said Irene Billingsworth, representing the former Beatle.

Heather Mills, who is representing herself at the current rational hearing, is believed to be considering the offer and will respond in the next couple of days, once she has hired a man to speak on her behalf. The proposal would see Miss Mills receive a substantial monetary settlement before she is stoned to death in a public ceremony at the holy site of the Abbey Road recording studios.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, who today launched a new range of Church of England vestments based on the burka, welcomed the news as confirmation of the theme of his recent speech entitled 'You lot aren't taking bloody Christianity seriously enough'.

"The idea of arbitration based on mystic law is exactly the way we should go and shows that the UK has advanced too far away from the kinds of superstition I have spent my life promoting," said a voice from under several yards of fabric.

Whilst Ms Mills has made no public comment on any aspect of the proceedings, a close friend said that she was considering the suggestion.

"Heather is clearly the victim in this drama. She is the one having to leak scurrilous stories and innuendo to the tabloid media," said the pal. "There is £800m at stake and without portraying herself as a martyr she doesn't have a leg to stand on."

Many social commentators believe that the move would be popular with supporters of both sides of the dispute, dubbed the 'Most Tedious Divorce of the Century', and would certainly be welcomed by the public at large.

"If you sold tickets for the honour killing at Wembley, it would be a sell-out within a few hours," said one tabloid journalist. "During her recent unhinged performances on breakfast TV, there can't have been many people watching who didn't want to stone her themselves."

Axis Of Evil reveals expansion plans

The loose collective of nations known as the 'Axis Of Evil' has announced plans for enlargement from the founding three members of Iraq, Iran and North Korea, to bring other states under its political umbrella.

"We were forged, from what most people thought was just a poor piece of ridiculously simplistic imagery of a world that didn't exist, into states that six years later are right at the heart of the world's political and indeed cultural life," said Ofdad Billingjani, the group's spokesman.

The group says that it's economic and cultural model has captured the imaginations of the world and wants to make this available to other like minded countries.

"A decade ago, before the formation of the AOE, our three founding members were pariah states, shunned by the world, with little political or economic power. Today two of the member states are boasting nuclear capability!" explained Mr Billingjani. "Barely a day goes by without a mention of one of the countries on a US news broadcast, in a British paper or Parisian brothel."

It isn't just current affairs and technology where the Axis Of Evil has taken a pre-eminent role in world affairs; it has grasped the imaginations of leading writers and thinkers across the cultural landscape.

"Hollywood movies are full of references to Iran and Iraq especially, less so North Korea until someone hires a Chinese Elvis impersonator to play Kim Jong-Il," said Billingjani. "Not just that but the Iranian terrorist has replaced the iconic British mastermind as the standard evil stereotype."

The group of three now sees an opportunity to expand and has offered alignment talks with Syria and the emerging totalitarianism of Pakistan.

"We hope to be able to invite more and more nation's that share our ideals, especially Syria, who will probably need a nuke or two in the near future if the US continues its grand tour. With Pakistan being a theocracy effectively under martial law and holding hundreds of nuclear weapons, we feel it can really enhance what we hope to call the Evil 5," said Billingjani.

The E5 sees its future expansion as being intrinsic to it’s economic influence, an area where it feels that pure hatred will never be enough to sustain member states individually.

"We have to co-operate to compete with the big players," said Mr Billingjani. "We hope to create a future in which millions of people can be assured that at least half of the torture equipment being used upon them will bear the inscription ‘Made in the AOE’."

However the nascent E5 has plans to expand outside the Middle East and Asia and into the more developed countries.

"We are an open group of despotic nations. Our plans for enlargement are open to any country that shares our ideals of leadership by irrational theocracy, torture and overt threats to other countries," explained Mr Billingjani. "Indeed, if they can sort out the problems they have with their religious fundamentalists and their weak currency, we hope one day to be able to an extend an invitation to the USA."

QVC presenter lands “dream market stall role”

Giles Billingsworth, one of the leading lights of television shopping, was today celebrating landing one of the prized jobs in his industry when he was confirmed as the face of "Alan's 'lectrics" in the Camden Lock market.

"It was a great opportunity that I simply could not pass-up," said Mr Billingsworth of his new appointment. "You know you work hard all those years knocking out pots and pans and embroidery sets at 2am, this makes it all worthwhile."

Giles, recently voted 23rd in a poll of housewives favourite camp presenters, said that there was fierce competition in the tele-shopping industry to land such career enhancing roles.

"TV shopping is great, but there is more to the true craft than talking to a producer who is pretending to be a caller gushing about a set of tea-towels," said Billingsworth. ""Everyone is trying to get that high-profile role at the front of the stall, dealing with real people directly and tackling real issues – such as why the packaging is damaged and covered in broken glass."

Mr Billingsworth said that he was looking forward not just to a higher profile role at an open air market, compared to a barely watched digital TV channel, but also hoping to explore the true art of selling tat.

"When you tread the boards, you are really part of the creative process," he said. "The real art, where you give so much of yourself to the craft, is less about repeating the same script of product specs night after night. Instead you are able to get a real empathy with your audience. Or whether he is just a nark on the lookout for dodgy DVDs"

For Giles it this intensity of the live performance and not just the money, that had lured him to the open air market.

"The TV role is draining – acting astonished, hour after hour, at each bout of pre-rehearsed price slashing. I wanted to get back to be a true creative, back to the amateur dramatics of the cake stall at my village fête when I was a teenager," he said. "There is nothing like the smell greasy burgers or the roar of the two-stroke generator when you are doing that matinee performance on a Saturday. When you are in a studio, with only the unblinking eye of the cold camera lens for company, you rarely get the thrill of running away from the coppers with a suitcase of knocked-off watches."

Billingsworth says that he has not turned his back on further film and television work in the future, indeed he hopes that if his live performance on the market is a success it will increase his credibility with casting directors on the next rung up the ladder of stardom.

"I want to show my range of talents. I have gone from TV shopping on to market stall level of performance," he said. "After that I hope to move up to a bit part in an independently produced porn movie."

Unemployed man decries Minogue's “double standards”

Sitting, perched on the barstool, Reginald Billingsworth does not outwardly give the impression of a man ruined by a public love affair that spans the globe. Calmly sipping his pint of mild, Billingsworth looks but a percentage of his 58 years: his comb-over receives frequent preening, he frequently sweeps the pork scratching crumbs from the cardigan covering over his paunch.

"It really is outrageous you know, it's political correctness gone mad." says Reginald. His eyes are a bit red and bloodshot, but whether it is from emotion or the jet lag of his flight from Australia, he is not saying. What he does say is that the world is not only mad, but no longer a place for young, athletic, red-blooded males.

"It seems everywhere, not just England, not even just Salford, is pandering to women these days," he says with thinly disguised bitterness. "All I did was rush to the assistance of a woman and express my feelings for her and I get deported. Not only that but the feminazi courts say I have to stay a mile away from Kylie. I can't afford a telephoto lens to cover that distance."

Mr Billingsworth, a victim he says of a society that has simply lost touch with the needs of honest working men like himself, is determined his story should be told. It is, he says far more succinctly than can be written, a warning of the sweeping emasculation of our society.

"I had to save up a lot of my disability benefit for that ticket to Sydney. I haven't been able to work for nigh on thirteen year because of a trapped nerve in my elbow." he said. "I heard that Kylie was unhappy, wanted love, and a family and went to her aid."

According to press reports Kylie Minogue is desperately seeking a family and has got back together with one-time partner Olivier Martinez after he drunkenly phoned her up late one night and has agreed to give her the baby she yearns for.

"I did better than that," said Reginald. "I turned up at her home in Sydney in the early ours, drunk too and offered to get her pregnant right there and then. I'd even got a few Victoria Bitters in. It seems it's one law for handsome, sophisticated, Parisian actors and another for hard-working men from Salford."

Reginald is unbowed by his experience and even being barred from Australia is, he says, no barrier to him being able to share true happiness with one of the women of his fevered dreams.

"I read that Dannii Minogue is complaining she isn't getting enough and she's in that there London for the X-Factor soon," he said. "I don't mind springing for the blonde wig."

MPs to vote on moving House of Commons to Virgin Islands

MPs will today vote on a Private Member's Bill regarding future accommodation for the Mother of Parliaments as the Palace of Westminster faces a highly disruptive period of maintenance. Analysts believe the new temporary offices are likely to be overseas. The timing is thought to be especially favourable for many MPs now that the parliamentary Standards and Privileges Committee has woken up to exactly how much public money finds it’s way to the family members of some MPs.

"I have asked many MPs and taken some advice from my accountant and all are very much in favour of moving the House of Commons to the British Virgin Islands," said Tory MP, Derek Conway. "It is a shame I am having to stand down over my financial dealings, as it would open up a lot of opportunities for my constituents in Old Bexley and Sidcup who have not yet worked in an overseas tax-haven. Such as my wife and sons."

MPs are concerned about the possible disruption caused by even a temporary move of the commons’ chamber lending the British Virgin Islands proposals a great deal of cross-party support. The move would also bring closer those people most important to a constituency MP, his financial advisors.

"Moving the Houses of Commons to a new, purpose-built location will provide 21st century parliamentarians with the office-complex-cum-country-club that they need," said former Wales Secretary and cash enthusiast Peter Hain. "The weather out there would be good for my hard-working secretary - my 80 year old mum."

Those members of parliament thought of as the most conservative could see merit in the idea even if it means a break with tradition and a likelihood of increase costs at such a remote location.

"Whilst it often seems that the old ways are being swept away by the tide of change, we must always look to the future," said Tory MP Sir Nicholas Winterton. "Now that traditional dodges - such as having the public pay the notional rent on a flat in London that one has in trust for one’s children - have been found out, we need to look further afield for new opportunities."

Many political analysts see little downside in the move, saying that it represented a logical step in the modernisation of parliamentary practice.

"I think it would improve the quality and accessibility of parliament to move the commons 5,000 miles to the Caribbean," said Gavin Billingsworth, parliamentary sketch writer for the Daily Express. "You would get a lot more attendance and quality reporting of debates by journalists if they were held at a beach-front bar."

Market analysts “FTSE, NASDAQ, BINGO - no idea what those numbers really mean”

Today global markets were reacting positively to the United States Federal Reserves second dramatic drop in interest rates in as many weeks. On the other hand, possibly to the cute dog that was running around the smoking garden at one brokerage.

Trader’s moods on Wall Street fluctuated as they digested the latest statement from Fed Boss Ben Bernanke and some of the latest performance indicators coming out of the construction sector. However the Dow Jones ended the day rising sharply after a group of traders watched the "Evolution of Dance" video on YouTube.

Market experts such as Callum Billingsworth, 20, Chief Economist with analysts Smith, Smithie and Smythe Associates, have to deal with hundreds of pieces of economic data and statistical reports, to determine the direction the market will take.

"This stock here is being traded heavily and the price is rising right. That is because the market thinks that the latest news regarding inflation will increase retail foot-fall and thus luxury expenditure, such as expensive frothy coffee, will go up," he said. "No wait, that one’s gone red now. That is because the news that unemployment has gone down, no wait, up. And there is some flooding near a shopping centre in …. No it is back in the black now, that is because Gordon Brown’s gone to China to, wait. Red again."

At this point Mr Billingsworth looked for late breaking news from the BBC, Sky and Bloomberg before watching part of the Bugatti Veyron race from ‘Top Gear’, leading him to have a "really good feeling about the prospects of the truffle industry".

"The markets are terribly turbulent at the moment, every different piece of news sends them spiralling up or down. Who knows where it will go next?" said Mr Billingsworth. "Seriously, if your readers have any ideas, we’d love to hear them."

The CAC40 in Paris was suffering another difficult day with more revelations regarding Jerome Kerviel's actions at Societe General being compounded by the news that beleaguered trader’s would face a extra 5 wheezing minutes walk as the nearest Tabac had run out of Gitanes. Millions of Euros were wiped off the values of shares.

However a mood of optimism broke out the FTSE when one of the trader’s reacted quickly to some unexpected housing news from the United States.

"Well it was really quite thrilling," said a trader at the LSE, who didn’t wish to be named, as his family isn’t aware of what he does for a living - to avoid embarrassment he says he is an actor specialising in Donkey Porn. "I suddenly realised that the housing market here is nothing like that in the USA. We are much more sophisticated and stable here. I made a killing and it was all thanks to last night’s ‘A place in the Sun’."

However such loose-cannon behaviour did not go unnoticed and, with the current fear of rogue traders, such independent thinking can be dangerous.

"You have to be careful how you operate, just look at Societe Generale," said another trader who again did not wish to be named in case his wife found out their expensive lifestyle was not made by selling drugs at school gates. "If they had stuck to the City way and just followed whatever shares were moving on the Dow Jones until their hangovers cleared they would still have a pot to piss in."

Scientists admit to Cold Fusion Hoax delay

Leading members of the physics community working on the latest Cold Fusion Hoax today revealed that they are at least 2 years behind schedule.

"We plan to have a cold fusion story in the newspapers every 15 to 20 years or so," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, consultant media scientist to the energy group leading the research. "However it takes quite some time to put together a crack team of credulous tabloid journalists with a C at GCSE chemistry, and this Hoax is going to have to be more sophisticated than it's predecessors, now that the special effects on Dr. Who are so good."

The Cold Fusion Hoax is the Holy Grail of science reporters up and down the land who are keen to file thousands of words of copy with scientific looking diagrams, references to Star Trek and pictures of the 'Mr Fusion' from Back to the Future. Stories can endlessly be written about limitless clean power, the return to poverty of the Arabs, Bluebirds wheeling through a perfectly clear sky and an end to the frustration of running out of batteries for a vibrator. However as society becomes more technically adept it becomes more difficult to produce a good Hoax without actually inventing the technology itself.

"Back in the day we used to just be able to mix up a few chemicals in test-tubes and let it boil some water in a tank," said Professor Billingsworth. "We could claim it was caused by anything as long as the pictures showed a device as convincing as whatever Davros would use to destroy a planet. Now, what with Wikipedia and that programme QI on the telly, Joe Punter knows as much as a PhD researcher from Loughborough University."

The Physics community has long relied on the Cold Fusion Hoax as a way of generating more funding for ever bigger and more impressive machines for research into hot fusion, the very thing that Cold Fusion itself would obviate the need for.

"Every physicist on the planet wants to play with the atom-smashers. They want to be able to tell people that "today I created something hotter than the sun, two miles below Switzerland'," said the Professor. "It was what made science the new rock and roll. After all scientists have plenty of drugs. But little sex."

The science community now believes that even the recent news that the Science and Technology Facilities Council (STFC) had run out of 50p pieces for the big Gemini telescopes would be unlikely to provide enough stimulus for a proper go at the Cold Fusion Hoax. Physicists are now looking to their old foes in genetic research for the over-hyped mega-invention that will lead to an increased flow of funding.

"Atoms are bloody expensive you know, and when the scientists are really sexed up they can smash literally dozens of them in a single day – it's a costly business," said Professor Billingsworth. "I think someone in a lab is going to have to make a cross between a songbird and a drug-crazed ape, or a miracle hair-growth drug or something."

LATE BREAKING NEWS:
Researchers at the Gorilla-Parrot Breeding Institute in Enfield are to convene a press conference tomorrow on the 'Origins of Amy Winehouse.'

Tarts renege on deal with Premier League shagger

The world of professional football was plunged into chaos today after two harlots defied paid contracts to keep quiet about their casual sex with international swordsman Ashley Cole.

“It really has shocked players all over the country. They are used to big money contracts, and they expect these slags to honour their deals and keep quiet,” said a spokesman for the Professional Footballer's Association. “What worries our members even more is the inevitable tabloid puns about their unimpressive tackle.”

The PFA said the interest of it's members would be aroused by any humorous references to whether or not Ashley could keep going for the full 90 minutes and his commitment at both ends. Whilst he is renowned for his prowess at the back, there is likely to be some speculation as to the elevation he gets on his balls. Reports are likely to climax with his technique up front and his determination to keep probing, prodding and pressing to gain penetration of the box.

Mr Cole, who plays for a small team in the London area of Fulham, was said to be “normally completely confused by a mirror” and, having wasted over £16,000, his faith in loose, cheap women was shattered.

“Ashley is terrified as to how his wife is going to take these revelations, what with her violent past and being so deeply in love with their media image,” said a close pal. “But she is going to be most furious that the story has been broken by a tabloid rather than them selling an exclusive to a glossy magazine.”

Friends such as 'Hello' magazine and close family such as 'OK!' have inundated Mr Cole and his wife with messages of support and offers to help them help deal with such a trauma in their private lives via the seclusion of their centre pages.

“Ashley's mood has been lightened by all the support he has been getting,” said the pal. “He even had a smile on his face when he told us his phone had not stopped vibrating all day.”

Peter Hain resigns to “spend more time with huge crates of cash”

Former Work and Pensions and Wales Secretary, Peter Hain has resigned his cabinet positions after the nature of his deputy leadership campaign donations were referred to the Metropolitan Police.

"It is only right and proper that I step down from my cabinet positions to focus on clearing my name," said Mr Hain. "To do that I first need to clear the huge piles of cash out of my office. Everywhere I look there seems to be more of the stuff, huge crates of cash."

Mr Hain said that any claims he has anything to hide are "absurd" amid the controversy over the late declaration of £103,000 of donations.

"How can I hide anything? We are talking about thousands of notes!" said Mr Hain speaking animatedly among a hail of bank notes that fluttered out of his suit.

The Westminster political village was alive with rumour and innuendo regarding the shadowy Progressive Policies Forum - one of the key contributors which appears to have only been set-up within weeks of Mr Hain announcing his bid for the Labour Deputy leadership. Sources indicate it may be based in Nigeria and that Mr Hain was just an innocent victim.

"There you are under pressure to raise funds for your bid to become deputy leader of the Labour Party and you get an e-mail from a doctor in Nigeria with an offer that could solve everything. It’s only natural that you forget to tell people about the details of enough money to buy a Maserati," said political blogger Guido Billingsworth. "It could happen to anyone."

Mr Hain would not comment as to the detailed nature of the Progressive Policies Forum saying only that he did not understand why such a body that has produced no policies and has no employees would appear dubious.

"It hasn't produced any policies because it has not had time, what with arranging the fleet of wheelbarrows necessary to get all those bank notes to me," he said. "Look, can someone carry out a few handfuls of tenners with them? They are really cluttering up the place now."

Miners steward police demonstration

22,500 police officers yesterday marched through central London as part of their demonstration against the pay policy of the Labour government. The march was stewarded by some 400 members of the National Union of Mineworkers.

"Clearly a demonstration of this magnitude needed to be carefully policed, but not by the police who were the ones protesting. Fortunately we were able to call upon people with experience of past demonstrations involving the police, former miners, " said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. "Many of them have extensive experience of demonstrations with the police going back as far as 1984."

One such steward, Arthur 50 from Orgreave in Yorkshire, said that he was happy to get some extra money and in many ways supported his former foes in their quest for a backdated pay increase.

"It’s a nice change to be here, getting some money out of a demonstration, rather than a truncheon around my head and a kick up the arse from one of the police horses," he said. "It’s also nice to see a few of the old faces from the past. I spotted one bobby who I hit with a brick near on 25 year ago!"

Superintendent Geoffrey Billingsworth, a veteran police officer with over 30 years experience with the force said that he was marching today to ensure that the young constables just starting out on their careers get all the chances he had.

"The young copper today, he doesn’t get the vast wedges of overtime that I enjoyed when I was a wooden top," said Billingsworth. "There aren’t the mass running battles across Yorkshire hillsides like we had in the 80s, or even fervent mobs of young student Trotskyites in Trafalgar Square in the 90s. Without the fun of clubbing a few hippies you only have a good basic pay to keep you a straight member of Her Majesty’s Filth."

Latte-Nav systems provide emergency Starbucks locations

A new range of satellite navigation systems has been launched which are capable of providing car drivers with directions to their nearest Starbucks coffee shop as well as optional directions for non-coffee purposes and data about traffic jams, speed-cameras and accident black spots.

"Today it is more important than ever that motorists have the security of knowing where their nearest opportunity for some overpriced frothy milk is," said Austin Billingsworth of the RAC.

The new systems also integrate into a car's vehicle management system to provide emergency warnings in the event that the driver has not stopped for the suggested 15 minutes and had a caramel-Macchiato with cream every three hours of driving. It will also sound an alarm if the amount of fuel remaining is insufficient to get the driver to the nearest Starbucks, warning if the only coffee available is from a petrol station vending machine.

"We think this service will help cut down on road rage incidents," said Mr Billingsworth. "Studies show that most random direction changing is caused by female shoppers running low on caffeine. Mind you they do that out of their cars too."

The new systems have only recently become possible because of the availability of ultra-high resolution GPS data from upgraded direction finding software.

"Traditional GPS systems are accurate to about ten metres," said Billingsworth. "This may be good enough to land a plane, or aim an intercontinental ballistic missile, but it would never be good enough to distinguish between each Starbucks in an average town."

Rival systems are soon to be made available. A consortium led by Café Nero and Coffee Republic are believed to be investing heavily in Europe's replacement global positioning system, Galileo, while last week saw the latest Chinese rocket launch carrying the first of the Costa Coffee satellites into orbit.

Globe of the USA launched

They are the new 'must have' items that are sweeping across the United States of America where a religious gift company from Tennessee has produced a new range of globes featuring the "American Worldview". The globes have not only been a surprise sales success but are gaining endorsements from schools and religious groups across the United States of America.

"Parents and schools from coast to coast are trying to give children the correct view of the world and we think our product, the United Globe of America, fits that market," said a spokesman for 'Balls to the World Incorporated'.

The new globe is available in a range of sizes, shows the American world-view, and has been endorsed by religious groups across fourteen southern states of the USA.

"The people of this country, this great country, God's country, as foretold by scripture, have long been done a terrible disservice by the so-called map-makers. They have filled our schools with books full of lies and myths of strange and evil places, filled with godless people and their heathen ways." said Pastor Jesse Billingsworth of the Glen-Rivers Baptist Church of Nashville, Tennessee. "Now God-fearing moms and pops and educators, from sea to shining sea, can drive out the evil myth of Canada forever."

The new globes have spawned some muted criticism from geographers in the United States, who point out the preposterousness of the idea that nothing exists outside of the US.

"Whilst the globes beautifully illustrate the total isolation of the USA and the loneliness of the islands of Hawaii and Alaska, it is quite ridiculous to be telling children in school that Mexico is a myth created by the devil," said James Kablowski, a curator of cartography at the Smithsonian. "Where do they think their Santa has been outsourced too?"

The most vocal opposition to the new globe has come from European scientists, however they have been struggling to make their case heard on the leading opinion forming news outlets in the US.

"This is an important subject so we devoted a whole two minute segment to this on The Factor," shouted Fox News alleged-journalist Bill O'Reilly. "We interviewed a guy claiming to be from somewhere called France but you could tell from his accent he was just some sort of devil worshipping communist. Who killed Lady Di."

The globe has already been used in schools in Tennessee, but religious campaigners are pushing for it to be used nation-wide by 2009. They are also hoping to have stickers added to traditional globes and atlases informing students of the new globe and their theory of ‘Intelligent Geography’.

Pensioner admits “To be honest everything since 1976 has been shite.”

After years of continual sniping at contemporary music, movies and television, 77 year old Alistair Billingsworth has finally admitted that there is nothing in today's culture that he likes. Mr Billingsworth made the announcement during the Christmas period when some family members wanted to watch programmes on channels other than ITV3.

"Catherine Tate – rubbish, utter rubbish, just like that Little Britain, it's just the same jokes over and over again." he said. "The Two Ronnies was on all day on ITV3. I had seen it the 70s of course, but that was why I wanted to watch them. New stuff such as that ‘Extras’ is bound to be just people talking. It’s not funny unless a fat man dresses up as a woman. And sings."

After watching over 16 hours of the Two Ronnies over Christmas Eve and into Christmas Day including the same episode on 3 occasions, Alistair relented and let his grandchildren watch the hit movie Shrek 2.

"That was rubbish as well, it didn't have any story. Sure there was something about deception involving Prince Charming and a magic potion, but I slept through the start and it didn't make any sense when I woke up near the end. Just a lot of strange animated characters prancing about." said Mr Billingsworth. "Rubbish. Not like Fantasia. You can fall asleep at the start and pick up the plot straight away when you wake up. It’s about mopping the floor. Or something."

It was tricky to choose a movie for all the family to watch, since Alistair refuses anything that he "didn't know" as it would invariably be "rubbish". This proved an insurmountable challenge since he stopped going to the cinema in 1973.

"I must admit I snapped when I woke up and found someone had changed the channel during some programme on Cliff Richards," admitted Alistair. "Of course, if I am honest his voice is rubbish, but at least you can understand the words. Not like the modern music," he said. "It's all thump-thump-thump. How can you fall asleep to that?"

Mr Billingsworth said that this Christmas had been particularly trying and his patience had finally, after many years, worn thin.

"I am fed up having arguments with people as to why a current singer or comedian, and it doesn’t matter who it is, is rubbish," said Mr Billingsworth. "Why won’t people understand that everything made after 1976 is shite?"

Re-launch of classic toy with “Rehab Sindy”

Today sees the relaunch of Sindy, the classic girl's doll from the 60s, after a £25m overhaul to bring her up to date with today's children.

“Sindy hasn’t had a major revamp since the 80s and we thought now was a time to contemporise her with today's more affluent, more trendy girl,” said Anita Billingsworth from the family toy company Billingtons Games. “We have given her body a make-over to bring out her bones a bit more and we have made her head disproportionately large for her body – for that true eating-disorder look so craved by celebrities.”

The deluxe 'Rehab Sindy' play-set will feature a doll's house design licensed from 'The Priory' as well as a model of a Range Rover and a small digital camera with built in flash. Sindy herself will have removable hair attached by Velcro for that 'psycho-Spears look' as well a craft knife for DIY tattooing and, echoing a trend in other toys, new 'Rehab Sindy' will be anatomically correct.

“Sindy's range of new accessories will include very short skirts, but of course no underwear,” said Billingsworth. “The doll contains a light sensor that makes her smile if the camera flashes up her skirt.”

The company said that Sindy's lifestyle needed to reflect that of her owner's role models to better resonate with their dreams and aspirations.

“Sindy will come in a wide range of stylings each with lots of accessories,” said Ms Billingsworth. “We are planning 'Banged by a Footballer' Sindy who only smiles if she is on the credit card, or cock, of our new 'Wayne' footballer doll.”

Referring to a recent court action from the Disney Corporation regarding copyright infringement, Anita Billingsworth said “I don't think there is anyway in which our footballer design infringes on Disney's Shrek doll.”

Report casts electric bulbs in bad light

A report from a candle manufacturers' association says that their research has shown that energy efficient light bulbs may cause areas of darkness to become illuminated and warn against their use by anyone who prefers low-light levels, such as moles, earthworms and ugly people.

"Unlike your traditional candle these lights make night time seem like day, and inside seem like being outdoors in the sun," said Carlos Valor dos Faturamentos of the Brazilian Wax Association. "Whereas a candle is much more atmospheric in that it just makes things seem gloomy and cast large foreboding shadows on the walls."

The report also counters the claim that energy efficient light bulbs may induce more migraines in extremely susceptible people than incandescent light bulbs.

"Anyone who has tried to read by candlelight will tell you that it only takes a few minutes and you have a stinking headache," said Senhor Valor dos Faturamentos. "The traditional wax candle is by far the most efficient light source at producing a throbbing sensation behind the eyes and causing blurred or impaired vision. The forger played by Donald Pleasance in the Great Escape would have been such a minor part without our products."

Valor dos Faturamentos denied that the century long move in favour of electric light was a threat to the candle industry and was the real motivation behind the report saying instead that it highlighted the rival’s shortcomings.

"Some people maintain that these new low energy bulbs flicker at the edge of your vision," said Senhor Valor dos Faturamentos. "The candle, however, flickers strongly right in your face, especially if you breathe near it. Let us not forget the service the candle does for town planning in the 21st century since without it many old and magnificent buildings, several hundreds of years old, may still be with us today."

The wax industry denied that the future was bleak for the candle and maintained that its core customer would always reach for the more natural product on a long, dark, winter’s night.

"We predict steady sales of shaped candles, such as the hugely successful ‘Westlife’ candle," he said. "Teenage girls will always find comfort spending the evening with a candle."

Soap fans leave hospital following the renewal of actors’ contracts

Thousands of TV viewers were today leaving hospital across the country after news that long running shout-a-thon ‘The Bill’ was to continue for several more years.

"When I heard that one of the main character’s contracts was not being renewed I got my hopes up that The Bill was to be axed," said soap addict Gillian upon leaving hospital in Kirkcaldy. "It turns out that the actual programme will continue, it is so depressing that there won’t be anything uplifting being made to replace it."

Accident and Emergency wards in many of the nation’s hospitals were today releasing patients who had found the news that the terminally lingering soap opera was to continue too much to take.

"We have had several people come in with slashed wrists, one man in particular took the news very badly," said a spokesman for St George’s Hospital in London. "He said he was unable to deal with this and the fact that Helen Worth who plays Gail Platt (née Potter; previously Tilsley) was to continue in Mancunian laugh-a-month hormonal sulkfest Coronation Street.

Many television journalists said that soap fans gorging themselves on a diet of Coronation Street, Eastenders, Emmerdale, The Bill and Neighbours needed some relief from evenings full of depressing shouting, bad acting and glaring through spectacles.

"I think many hope for something entertaining and enjoyable on television, beyond watching the seemingly endless dregs of society and their continual stream of people writhing and screaming in agony and ecstasy, fuelled by alcohol and drugs," said one TV critic. "However it seems that Strictly Come Dancing will continue for at least another year."

In other soap news it has been revealed that Granada has had to hastily re-write several scenes following the tragic loss of one of Coronation Street's favourite and most animated characters, the glasses worn by Deirdre Barlow (née Hunt, formerly Langton, Barlow and Rachid).

"It has been difficult for all of us to lose something that gave so much life to our show, but we are rallying around and hope to find a replacement in the next few weeks." said Gerald Billingsworth for Granada Television. "The real tragedy is that Anne Kirkbride still turns up for work every fucking morning."

Pakistan President unhappy with investigation into assassination

President Pervez Musharraf has expressed his dissatisfaction with the investigation into the death of John F. Kennedy and the resulting controversy with the official reports.

“It is clear that there is new evidence, and therefore we should never give a statement that is 100%”, said President Musharraf. “Whilst it is clear that the victim died following a bang to the head we need to fully determine whether this blow came from a lone gunman or a suicide bombing accomplice on the Grassy Knoll.”

He was responding to newly discovered video evidence that clearly showed a gunman firing at the victim's car as it passed by crowds lining the streets.

The Pakistani President said that he welcomed the team of detectives sent from London by Prime Minister Gordon Brown who the President felt would provide external expertise lacking within the Pakistani security community.

“We needed more experience, maybe more forensic and technical experience that our people don't have,” said President Musharraf. “Most of the education in my country takes place in madrasas, but there the students only learn twisted interpretations of religion, their real-world science knowledge is literally medieval. So even a British child and a second-hand chemistry set off eBay would be a great help.”

The Pakistani government has vowed that the experience gained in the investigation into the death of President Kennedy will be used in all similar inquiries into high profile cases.

“We hope to learn a lot of lessons from the killing of Kennedy,” said Musharraf. “All of this learning will be applied to the death of Benazir Bhutto. Many people around the world are also dissatisfied with the official findings of the Pakastani Wahabbi Commission's investigation and its 'magic bomber' theory.”

The Pakistani President also announced parallel investigations to determine if the Pope is Catholic and whether or not bears shit in the woods.

Britons feel the heat down under

As thousands of Britons feeling "under the weather" grip the pan for dear life, Doctors are warning of severe bouts of high pressure in the middle, followed by extremely blustery conditions down south.

"The norovirus is a particularly virulent stomach bug that can bring on severe bouts of diarrhoea with no notice," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Oh dear, I’d only just changed into these," he added before blushing bright red.

The high pressure caused by the virus in the middle of Britons can also lead to severe projectile precipitation in the North. Indeed the families of many sufferers believe they are witnessing a scene from ‘The Exorcist’.

Doctors are warning sufferers to stay away from work, or anywhere else with expensive upholstered seating, for at least 48 hours following a bout of ‘accelerated, or reverse digestive transit’.

"The clean up crews need to be given a fighting chance. It’ll take more than a few squirts of Oust to shift that lot," muttered Professor Billingsworth. "Oh Jesus, not again," he added.

The NHS advises those not suffering from the norovirus to avoid contact with anyone suspected to have contracted the illness or to at least dress as they might imagine Hyacinth Bucket would if working as a cleaner at a peep show.

"You can’t be too careful, this infection can catch you and anyone in your immediate vicinity completely unawares. It’s unlikely my cat will ever look at me in the same way again," said the Professor before making a sound like a rip in a wet bouncy castle.

Following an uncomfortable cabinet meeting which was accompanied by sounds of quacking said to be attributed to a flock of ‘low flying ducks’ the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, called a meeting of the Cobra response committee to order an emergency shipment of trousers and underpants to the most effected areas. Sources at the meeting said they had never before seen the Premier move so quickly.

Speaking on television using a special waterproof camera whilst sitting in the bath, the Prime Minister moved, repeatedly, and attempted to re-assure the nation.

"Rest assured, unlike during the summer, I am taking a personal lead in Operation Brown Flood," he said. "For the last three days I have been pissing rusty water out of my arse."

Chaos over Christmas due to faulty navigation systems

This Christmas has seen a record number of complaints from households the length and breadth of the country due to a batch of faulty 'ChatNav' systems.

“Christmas and New Year are a time when millions of people travel across the country to be with loved ones,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “When we get to our destination we are tired and facing another few hours of tricky navigation through a minefield of conversation subjects and it seems the 'Chat Navigation' systems that we have come to rely on have let us down.”

The festive season is a always a notoriously difficult time as families get together for possibly the only time of the year. Many people struggle to navigate the tricky path through family history whilst avoiding known incident blackspots at frosty receptions which may involve long journeys across thin ice.

“Of course at Christmas the problem will have been exacerbated by alcohol,” said the Professor. “This can cause people to drive headlong into areas that are best avoided. Indeed Christmas drinking can engender a desire to get to the point as fast as possible and can cause reckless behaviour and lead to the one driving the conversation to misread even the most unmistakeable of warning signs.”

Our increasing reliance on technology such as ChatNavs means that without the systems many people are helpless. Men in particular are notorious for refusing to accept help when driving a conversation in a completely inappropriate direction oblivious to any suggestion from wives and girlfriends keen to avoid any looming obstacles.

It is believed that the problems with the latest generation of ChatNavs were caused by a failure with the worldwide GPS – Grievance Prevention System - although the approaches taken by previous generations are frequently routed through treacherous territory.

“We have known for some time that many 'chatnav' systems used by older family members can lead to huge meandering diversions down memory lane,” said Professor Billingsworth. “Some of these can lead to many extra hours of pointless meanderings culminating in blow-ups on the way home.”

Political party leader admits to lack of faith

In a radio interview the newly elected leader of the Liberal Democrats has revealed that he does not believe in the legendary figures central to the Christmas festivities.

“I do not believe in Father Christmas, however I have enormous respect for people who do believe in imaginary figures at this time of year,” said Nick Clegg.

The new Lib-Dem leader also revealed that whilst his wife shares in non-belief - as a Catholic she does not believe in rights for women – he said he would not be forcing his non-belief on his children, who are instead being brought up to revere myths and superstition.

“My children are also being brought up as Catholics and therefore do indeed believe in invisible and imaginary men with bushy white beards who are said to be continually watching every child’s behaviour. They call Him God,” said Mr Clegg.

The election of Mr Clegg makes the Liberal Democrats unique among political parties in having a rational thinker as leader. The previous New Labour leader, Tony Blair, has admitted that he kept his own irrational belief in superstition in the background whilst in office for fear of being labelled “a nutter”. His successor, Gordon Brown, is rumoured to be a “Young Earth Re-creationist” who refuses to believe that there was anything happening before June 2007.

However the leaders of some of the major groups who see Christmas, with Easter, as their busiest period said that Mr Clegg's disclosure regarding his lack of belief was unhelpful to their work in spreading important messages about the true meaning of the festive season.

“Each Christmas millions of people come to us in desperate need of help to make sense of the complexities and pressures of modern life. Nick Clegg may not be a believer, but through traditional teaching we are able to provide millions of families with a renewed sense of direction,” said a spokesman for Tesco. “Such as a new HD TV for under £400 and three boxes of mince pies for the price of two.”

New Company offers themed gifts for those barely known friends and family

It is always difficult to know what gifts to give many members of the family or friends at this time of year. One Leeds based entrepreneur has moved to fill a niche in the market for those of us with a long list of people to buy for, of which we have limited personal knowledge.

“A lot of people at work, or branches of the family we only see at Christmas, know little about me other than I play golf,” said Martin Billingsworth. “Every Christmas or birthday I receive a collection of various golf-themed socks, or a couple of tees with a Golf ball patterned hip-flask. Whatever the BHS Christmas section is selling really.”

It was the problem of buying for distant family members or unloved friends that gave Mr Billingsworth the idea for his own range of themed presents. His company 'Ticking Box Gifts' has thousands of re-branded items to help those shopping for people that they don't really know that well.

“We probably have the gift to match that small basic piece of information which is all you know about someone,” he said showing off his company's versions of time-honoured games.

“For example, for the Uncle you barely know because he has been away from home for so many years, we have ‘Monopoly: VAT Fraud Edition',” said Billingsworth. “We cater for all age and price ranges with games such as ‘Snap: Alzheimers Quick-Play'. That is from our 99p range, the deck only has two cards.”

Mr Billingsworth denied charges that he was profiteering from people's misfortune and treating potentially serious issues with a lack of respect.

“I am helping people with that difficult Christmas purchase for those awkward family visits. What else could you buy someone when the only thing you may know about them is that they suffer from a learning difficulty?” he asked holding up the Dyslexic Edition of Scrabble ‘With extra Zs and Xs'.

However, despite Martin Billingsworth's protestations to the contrary, public outcry has caused Ticking Box Games to withdraw a hundred thousand units of ‘Operation: Childhood Leukaemia Edition'.

Children in Chinese sweatshop create fund to help Kent based middle-managers

Xiao Birrings, an 8 year old worker at a clothing factory just outside Beijing, has become the world's youngest leader of an international charity.

“When I heard of the plight of the middle-managers in South East England I was in tears,” said Xiao during his five minute lunch break. “Of course that could also have been caused by the noxious fumes from the dyes we use to make Western Children's clothes,” he added.

Master Birrings said that he could really empathise with the group of IT professionals who were faced with having to travel an extra ten miles by heated transport to get to work each day or face redundancy.

“I know exactly how they feel,” said Xiao who leaves home at 4am each day to walk, barefoot, the ten miles to the factory job he uses to support his six younger siblings and his elderly grandparents. “I too have only known this one job for most of my life and know what a trauma it would be to lose it.”

Xiao said that he was lucky to have his fourteen-hours-a-day job of repetitive manual labour in sweltering conditions and fully understood why a five figure sterling payout was scant compensation.

“I understand that some of these poor people have spent years doing the same thing over and over again,” commented Xiao as he he lay on a stretcher waiting to be carried to the make-shift infirmary. “I think it is difficult for someone in a textiles factory in China to fully appreciate how difficult it is to sit operating a computer all day with only the prospect of a high standard of living as compensation. After all we, in China, have the diversion of darting in and out of working machinery to unjam looms whilst they are operating.”

Xiao and the other members of his factory said that the plight of those in Kent was a warning to people around the world in the struggle for more equitable working conditions.

“Next week all this is being demolished to make way for the Olympics,” he said whilst biting down on a wooden peg during surgery. “At my age I don't know if I will get another opportunity at forced labour, but I have to try as I don't want to suffer the horrors of a job in IT.”

Unemployed man declares himself to be “working from home”

Fed up with constant questions from working friends as to what he was up to on his career break, IT consultant Jericho Billingsworth has declared himself to be “working from home”.

“You know what the modern office is like, half the time no-one actually comes in, they say they are working from home instead,” said Mr Billingsworth. “We all know that involves checking a few e-mails whilst sitting in your underpants, watching loads of daytime TV – that just happens to be on – and taking the chance to do your washing and free up your weekend. Well, that is just like being unemployed.”

Mr Billingsworth said that not only was his 'working from home' more honest than most of those salaried employees that use the description, he also claimed he was more productive.

“To be honest, if I had an office to go to, I wouldn't achieve as much,” he said via telephone over the traditional background noise of the busy home office – the clatter of cups in the local Costa Coffee. “I would probably sit in several meetings talking about the mechanics of work that no one has time to do because of Human Resources processes. If I actually did do any actual work it would probably be to rewrite a document or two for projects that will never get implemented. Blogging and falling into an endorphin-induced sleep during Baywatch on Channel 5 are definitely more productive!”

Mr Billingsworth said that as a confirmed 'homeworker' over the winter he has had no need to have recourse to the subterfuge of an off site meeting in order to ensure he can get a round of golf in while the light allows, unlike many of his working friends.

Indeed during a two-hour-long phone interview with Mr Billingsworth the background noise was filled with the traditional minutia of office life that permeates millions of phone conferences everyday, the length and breadth of Britain. There were the sounds of a washing machine, the splashing sound as a document is being retrieved from beneath the suds of a bubble bath and the muffled debate on the distance to the green on the tricky dog-leg 12th hole.

Resurgence of older porn stars

The actors' union, Equity, today revealed surprising figures regarding the growth of what the adult entertainment industry refers to as OAPorn.

"As the population gets older we are seeing an increased demand for Adult 'Art Movies' that the increasingly ageing consumer can relate to," explained Fiona Knight, Equity spokeswoman and former YouTube actress. "The genre has seen great demand for actors who make convincing widows and 'Meals On Wheels' deliverymen. Ever popular are elevator fantasies, where the user and their care assistant are trapped in the wheelchair lift."

Equity says that as demand has increased from today's more active pensioner it has enabled porn actors to prolong their performances in the genre.

"Now that NHS joint replacements have become so efficient and recovery so quick the adult film industry is able to chase the grey porn pound," said Ms Knight. "It can be quite lucrative, especially for actresses that have had a double hip replacement."

The level of demand is such that many who thought their film careers were over have found a new release, allowing them to easily penetrate the traditionally tight circle of the pornographer that is now wide open to receive them.

"The older porn stars now bring greater life experience to their roles, something that the audience really appreciates," said Ms Kniight. "Who of us does not have an fantasy about being trapped with someone sexy on a broken Stannah Stairlift?"

Ada Billingsworth (76) agrees. With her husband Albert she has become one of the first megastars of OAPorn with the hugely successful 'Granny's Pearl Necklace' series of films.

"Sucking all those Werther's Originals really kept my cheek muscles in shape, which has been invaluable," said Miss Billingsworth during a break in filming. "What's more as an actress it is good to be able to explore new creative outlets, I never thought I would take part in a spit-roast at my age!"

Man lost in canoe without paddle reveals decade long memory loss

Today the man feared lost and adrift in a boat without a paddle gave a more detailed account to the Police of his mysterious amnesia regarding the events of the past decade.

“The last thing I remember was coming to grief in a turbulent meeting in the Granita restaurant in Islington in 1997, where my course to take the helm of the country became floundered by 'Typhoon Tony'.” said Gordon Brown, the figure at the centre of investigations into financial wrongdoings. “The next thing I know I am in central London amid a storm of controversy over my party's finances and with the political tide turning against me.”

Mr Brown's motivations for this disclosure are unclear, however Police believe he is being more forthcoming since he learnt that his long term partner had retired to the middle-east on the ill-gotten gains of the last decade. The Prime Minister is believed to be keen to take his predecessor down with him after evidence that he is enjoying the lucrative rewards garnered after having jumped ship.

“I have blanked the events of the last ten years out of my mind,” said Mr Brown. “Which is why, despite even photographic evidence of my involvement at the very financial centre of daily life, I behave as though nothing happened before June this year.”

The country was shocked to see the extent of Mr Brown's mental disappearance during a recent Prime Minister's Question Time in the House when he crashed heavily onto a treacherous rocky outcrop known as 'Abrahams Gift'. It was at that point it became clear he was truly up shit-creek without a paddle.

Famous figures deny donations as Labour Party appoints new funding Tsar

The controversy surrounding the transparency of Labour Party fund-raising was ratcheted up another notch when the Prince of Darkness, a noted non-British citizen of ill-repute, denied being the true donor of several millions of pounds given through numerous proxies.

"Whilst it is true that I act through others, especially those whose hands are idle," said the supernatural being who is also known as Beelzebub. "I would never wish to have my name linked to an organisation with the reputation of New Labour. After all I have been a life long Conservative supporter."

Despite ongoing reforms to political party funding, it has been a long-standing tradition for donors to use assumed names or proxies so as to reduce the publicity their donations generate. For example, tens of millions of pounds have been received by all parties from people claiming to work in the Defence Industry, an assumed name for the world's traders in deadly offensive weapons and torture equipment.

Cynics argue that this new found openness by those who have the ear of the powerful is an attempt to distance themselves from the incompetence of the handling of both the party funds themselves and the controversy they have generated.

Barnaby B. Billingsworth, a spokesman for the Disney Corporation gave a brief press conference denying that the company was in anyway implicated in the controversy. "Walt Disney," he said, "would never wish to be associated with such a Mickey Mouse organisation as the Labour Party."

Gordon Brown's appointee as the replacement for his disgraced former General Secretary, Peter Watt, spoke of his eagerness to get down to the task at hand, whilst hanging from a doll's house suspended below a first floor window at his local adult education centre.

"I’m very pleased that his Prime Ministerness has offered me the job. My mother always said I had a lot of mmm experience at seeking out trouble," said Mr Frank Spencer. "Mmm, can someone call my wife Betty, I am in a spot of bother!"

After falling onto a passing lorry, Labour's new General Secretary wasted no time in beginning his work on party funding by crashing on roller skates through the window of the party’s Victoria Street HQ.

“Muhammad” Teddy Bear to be flogged

The teddy bear that was previously named Muhammad by schoolchildren was today sentenced by judges in Khartoum for its part in the controversy that led to the imprisonment of English schoolteacher Gillian Gibbons.

“We take any insults to our religion very seriously, ” said Ali Billing-Laden an Islamic scholar who gave evidence at the bear's hearing. “Once again the west has insulted the Great Prophet, peace be upon him, and this will no longer be tolerated.”

The bear, formerly known as Muhammad, has been sentenced to be flogged on ‘eBay Sudan’, with no expectation of a reserve. Postage and packing has been set at a stinging £400 however the bear is likely to be simply placed in a cardboard box and lashed with bubble wrap.

A statement from the Unity High School in Sudan, where Ms Gibbons worked, said that there had never been any complaints over other toys that have been named by the children.

“Those are completely different to this insult,” said Ali Billing-Laden. “Why should anyone complain about ‘Jesus the Monkey’, who clings onto a piece of wood? The children love their little robotic ‘stars and stripes’ pig called ‘Infidel’ that wallows in its own filth.”

The Sudanese government denied its decision to flog the teddy bear, previously known as Muhammad, was cruel or malicious.

“It's better that the punishment is a short 15 day auction than spending months gathering dust in an Oxfam shop,” said Billing-Laden. “This way it is all over and done with quickly and the bear can be forced into the loving arms of a young jihadi.”

Feelings are running high in Sudan’s capital Khartoum with protests on the streets, determined to ensure that true Islamic law is followed in the case of the Teddy Bear Formerly Known as Muhammad.

“This issue over the bear must be resolved through a strict application of Sharia law and Islamic culture,” said Mr Billing-Laden. “Once it has been flogged on eBay, it shall be stuffed with explosives and set unto its glorious mission at the Infidel ‘Disney Store’. Only then can it attain martyrdom, ascend to paradise and receive 72 virgin Care Bears.”