Loss of 25m records by HM Revenue exposes government plans

The government today announced a radical new plan to stabilise the troubled mortgage bank Northern Rock and instead spread the load from any panic in the financial system across all high-street banks.

"By letting the bank accounts details of half the population of the UK fall into unauthorised hands we hope that this will cause everyone to panic about their savings," said the chancellor Alistair Darling. "This will make queues of panicking savers outside Northern Rock seem normal."

The Chancellor was speaking after the announcement that CDs containing a copy of the entire child benefit database of Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs had been mislaid in the post.

"I would also like to make it clear to the Great British public that there is absolutely no evidence that this data has fallen in the hands of anyone who might use it to steal money from you," said the Chancellor of the Exchequer. "I haven’t got the CDs and neither has the Inland Revenue."

If the announcement proves successful, and panic-stricken savers trying to withdraw their money swamp the entire retail banking industry, the government plans to extend the initiative and reform other areas of the welfare state.

"As this panic dies down we plan to lose the details of all those collecting incapacity benefit," said Mr Darling. "Once the news of that gets out we will prosecute anyone queuing for hours in the cold, since they must clearly be fraudulent claimants."

The Chancellor brushed aside criticism of a proposal to lose the personal details of known paedophiles in the UK.

"It is worth exploring," he emphasised, "Panicking parents removing their children from school would certainly help with class sizes."

Concluding his statement in the House, Alistair Darling said that an investigation into HMRC’s procedures was underway.

"We are going to get to the bottom of the government’s procedural confusion between Risk Strategy and Basic Obligations (Legal)," he said. "It is clear that this New Labour government cannot tell its RS from its L- BO."

ITV apologises for “I’m a celebrity” mix-up

In another blow to award winning* broadcaster ITV it has emerged that the entire first week’s filming of the new series of "I’m a Celebrity, get me out of here!" has been lost due to an extremely embarrassing error by producers.

"We are so very sorry for the dreadful mix-up, and rest assured that it was a mistake that was easy to make and at no point, this time, were we trying to defraud anyone." explained Chief Executive, Sir Gerald Billingsworth. "The irony is that our efforts to be honest may have caused the problem."

The programme’s producers explained that since it is another vehicle for Ant and Dec they have been forced to devote so much time to ensure that there are no further irregularities with phone vote revenues that they failed to check the results of each day’s filming.

"For the last week we have inadvertently been showing footage of the staff from the five-star hotel next door to the filming location," explained Sir Gerald. "It was a risk we should have identified up-front, given that none of the cameramen knew any of the celebrities involved in the programme."

The problem of identification of the supposed ‘celebrities’ was apparently compounded by the real footage also being composed of hours of people moaning while cooking and doing the laundry.

"I would like to emphasise that our team was focussed on preventing a repeat of previous frauds and was at no time distracted by Ant McPartlin’s hairline," said Sir Gerald Billingsworth.

To remedy the situation the broadcaster announced that it would be adding a new catch-up programme, which viewers can automatically miss via ITV1-1, called "Am I a celebrity? Get out of here!"

* ITV recently picked up the award for "Most piss-poor waste of bandwidth, 2007" for its entire ITV1 output.

REVIEW : Bush “Presidential” Radio

Said to be the first portable radio capable of receiving AM, FM, DAB, CIA and GOD broadcasts, the “Presidential” is a recent entrant into the high-end market from the consumer electronics company Bush.

First impressions are of a retro and unsophisticated appearance, harking back to early wireless or even pre-war sensibilities. However this simplicity belies some underlying sophistication.

The device contains some of the latest station seeking technology, including a function to quickly locate the most strident of Christian broadcasts and the first commercial use of 'Wavelength Modulation Decoder' searching that will generate music to the listener's ears out of even the strongest noise. Furthermore, if you want to Blair your news out loud, it can be programmed to add a catchy back-beat to “sex up” reports.

In tests though, we felt that the audio processing of the Bush Presidential consistently enhanced the warmest sounds, making the rich richer, whilst ignoring others, and for some quality of broadcasts actually made the poor, poorer.

Whilst in many ways the controls are in keeping with the unsophisticated stylings of the Bush Presidential, we found that there are some extremely disappointing build quality issues. For example the volume control, bewilderingly labelled as the 'Loudificationator', is a basic speech processor with an extremely simplistic linear control called the 'Axis of Level'.

However the really important test is the performance of the Bush Presidential on the road. We have tested it around the world and its reception has been patchy at best. Without a doubt it performs best in North America although there are reports that after prolonged use, say about 4 years, the user may elect to choose a different station and find that the Bush Presidential refuses to leave its current position. There have also been reports from angry Presidential listeners in Latin America, especially in Cuba and Venezuela who have been frustrated by its output. We also discovered that the version of the Bush Presidential launched in late 2001 turned out to be incompatible with Europe. However, its worst reception by far was in the middle-east where its Victorian sensibilities were found to be completely inappropriate.

This poor build quality and patchy performance isn't just nit-picking either since the device does not come cheap and consumes a lot of energy – it will cost the citizen at least $87bn a year to run.

The Bush Presidential, in summary then, promised a whole new technological approach but ultimately delivered an old fashioned performance based on an out-dated design that has generated a poor reception around most of the world. It is, however, the best receiver for messages from God.

At last, what you have all been waiting for!

In a desperate attempt to keep my inbox at a manageable level and to follow the old adage of “give them what they want” you can now buy a compilation of the first 6 months worth of stories (101) from the wonderful Surreal Scoop (The World As It Should Be), in a handy portable format that you can easily read off-line - a book! It is what a short bus ride or a trip to the loo was invented for.

So get it here : The World As It Should Be – Volume I It is priced at just £7 (plus P&P)!

So, with Christmas coming, and all those tricky problems of what to get someone who has a discerning idea of humour and a desperate need for satire or silliness full of contemporary cultural references, and knob jokes, then get in quick before the Royal Mail goes on strike again.

Repeat offender blames his model parents

Tony "the Spanner" Billingsworth, a homeless, unemployed man who has a history of alcohol related problems was last week convicted of mugging a pensioner and remanded in custody. It will be his sixth stay at her majesty’s pleasure totalling some twenty-six years, a pattern of offending that Mr Billingsworth blamed on his childhood and the actions of his parents.

"My parents were loving, caring people, who worked hard to give their son the best possible start in life." Tony said through his solicitor. "At no time did they ever mistreat me or abuse me in any manner. They made me understand the value of hard work, money, right from wrong and the importance of education. They made many sacrifices to ensure that I had a good start in life. The bastards!

"I have no excuses. I haven’t been beaten, sexually abused or grown up with alcoholic parents who were always on the take," his statement continued. "I have no excuses and thus no way of turning a jury in my favour. I have no emotional leverage to exert on the court or prosecution services. The probation services see me for what I am: a work-shy, lazy, drunk who is not only a persistent re-offender but a crap burglar who is always getting caught."

Tony lamented the start he had been given and said that it was this upbringing that had led to him spending most of his adult life behind bars.

"If my parents had cared more they would have provided me with emotional baggage and excuses for the terrible qualities of my character and given me many justifications I could use to pull the wool over people’s eyes," Mr Billingsworth shouted as he was being led away. "Just to have been forced to sleep in my own filth in the dog kennel once would have been something! I may have got off without the ten year stretch for defiling those puppies."

In a shock turnaround following a judicial review ‘The Spanner’ was released from prison and ordered to serve 3 hours community service, despite his repeat convictions for violent crime.

Speaking after the review Justice Willingborth said, "Today’s emotional legal culture fails people like Tony. What with him being a useless and aggressive twat."

Latest iPhone launch sees breakthrough for Apple

Apple today announced that the launch of their new iPhone had achieved a breakthrough in queuing miniaturisation and produced a hyped event with the world's shortest queues of desperate early-adopters.

"Apple has always prided itself on a mantra of usability, usability, usability," said company CEO Steve Jobs. "Today with the UK launch of the iPhone we have seen the iQueue reduce sizes to barely twenty people waiting in line. This is easily the smallest queue for over-hyped technology and easily surpasses the previous smallest of Sony's PS3 launch."

At Apple's store in Bluewater in Kent, Graham Billingsworth had arrived in the early hours of the morning.

"I got here about 2am, set out my folding chair and went to sleep. When I awoke as the first normal shoppers arrived I found I was still the only one in the queue," said Mr Billingsworth from his apple branded chair. "In fact aside from the Apple staff I didn't have anyone to gush about the iPhone with until about 2pm. The iQueue was that miniature."

Graham said that as with all revolutionary breakthroughs, it would take some people time to adjust to the new miniaturised Apple queue.

"I had no one to mind my place when I went to the toilet," said Graham. "Fortunately for me, even though I stopped to have something to eat in the food court, and have my haircut, by the time I returned I was still the only one waiting."

The hyped queue had grown somewhat by the hyped time of the hyped launch arrived with about twenty people all hyped to get into the store.

"I suppose the queue isn't too bad. I hadn't realised they were launching the iPhone today, I just wanted to get a new padded sleeve for my iBook," said Jake Wingsborth, who was at Bluewater to visit the cinema. "I do hope they actually are selling normal stuff in there when they open the door."

However some early adopters, whilst pleased with the miniaturised queue, where unhappy with other aspects of the iPhone service.

"I got here just as they opened the doors and I joined the back of the line. Even then I was in the shop in about a minute. It was marvellous," said Bill Insworth a self-proclaimed 'designer builder' from Kent. "But I had to wait nearly two hours to pay whilst the Apple Store went through all this showy première nonsense. They don't tell you about all that when you join one of their new-fangled iQueues."

Mr Jobs said that whilst many industry insiders felt that Apple would over stretch itself with the iQueue launch once again the company had proved its doubters wrong.

"On this the greatest day in the history of the world, on the day of the launch of the most important invention ever, look at the line of people outside the Apple store, " said Steve Jobs. "It's a tenth the size of the queue at the Starbucks next door."

Two years compulsory knife training for 16 year olds

The government today announced more details of its plans to extend the school leaving age to 18 and the format of proposed curricula.

"It is clear that young people today are at risk from knife crime," explained Education minister Ed Balls. "Therefore we plan to instigate two years of compulsory training in knife fighting for every 16 year old."

The government also announced a programme to improve school infrastructure on top of the recent expenditure on buildings.

"We plan to install airport style metal detectors at all schools to scan for the presence of knives," said Mr Balls. "This government plans to ensure that every child is equipped for the modern classroom and so any child found not to be in possession of a suitable stabbing knife will be issued a temporary replacement."

The courses will cover areas important to the futures of young people, such as how to conceal the knife in public, the best way to dispose of a knife should the police arrive and the appropriate street gestures to make behind visiting opposition politicians.

The government said that it was acting in response to the wave of outrage from parents and newspapers over recent teenage stabbing victims. The new curriculum would ensure that as well as the tactics of knife fights students would learn to understand the theory of safe handling of knives.

"Health and safety will be a vitally important part of the curriculum," said the minister. "This will include wearing appropriate head gear, such as a stocking, when preparing a melee."

Teachers welcomed the news of the new investment, which they believe will really inspire those pupils disenchanted with education. It will, they say, offer a chance for those struggling with basic skills to be taught a proper lesson.

"Some of the kids, right, they is like well aggressive and like forcing them into two more years, right, of school is well gonna piss them off, like. But a few of them, right, they likes to play with knives, so they will be well up for it. Know what I mean? One or two of the year tens, right, they has been well arksing for it and disrespecting me and some of my bi-atches," said Douglas Billingsworth, a physical education teacher in southeast London.

Minogue reveals relationship torment

The sister of the phenomenally successful Australian pop goddess, Kylie Minogue, has spoken of the difficulties that she has had asserting her own individuality and holding down relationships.

"As many people with famous family members know it is difficult to live in the shadow of the constant comparison and the unstated insinuation that any success I have is because of my name," said Dannii, coat-tail riding sister of the wonderful Kylie. "In my case that is not just professionally but in my personal life too."

Dannii revealed her thoughts exclusively to readers of both 'Ya! OK?' and 'Wotcha!' magazines during a photo-shoot of her squeezing into some of her sister's stage costumes and posing with a Jason Donovan waxwork.

"Obviously reporters are forever comparing my career to that of my sister," said Kylie's less successful sibling. "But my personal life is strewn with failed romances with men, who I am beginning to think, only wanted to use me to get as close as they can to Kylie."

Dannii, who can be seen on ITV1's X-Factor offering hollow showbiz advice to contestants without a famous and stunning sister, spoke frankly about the effect it has had on her love life.

"It is amazing how many men have a fantasy involving me kneeling and wearing a blonde wig!" said the delectable Kylie's younger (not that you would guess) brunette sister. "And it is getting a little suspicious that during lovemaking men often yell out my sister's name."

As the interview drew to a close, and she hurried to get the last bus home, wotsherface revealed the stunning revelation that a difficult romantic life is a burden to both Minogue sisters.

"Only the other day I got a call from a jet-lagged Kylie on her way to Rio complaining about the same problem - of men's shouts during sex. In her case it is often 'My mates down the pub will never believe me!'"

Bidding war for latest Internet sensation tops $1Trillion

A new website is taking the Internet by storm in a craze the like of which has not been seen for at least three months. Productivity in offices around the world is being severely reduced due to the phenomena known as ‘Pocket Watching’.

"It really is a great site, with a great community of dedicated users," said technology watcher Mr Bloggy. "It has surpassed YouTube and MySpace. Pocket Watching is now the cool way to idle away several hours a day."

The new site, accidentalphotographer.com, is now attracting more hits than YouTube and Flikr combined. Indeed one video, of the palm of a user's hand as she made a 'phone call about her test results, has now been viewed over 7 billion times – easily ourstripping even quality artistic endeavours such as YouTube’s 'Man getting hit by football’.

"I am very surprised at all the fuss," admitted the site’s creator Victor Billingsworth. "It started out as me just publishing a load of useless photos. I was doing some house keeping and I realised out of 234 pictures on my ‘phone, I had only intentionally taken 6. The rest were accidental shots caused by the ‘phone bumping in my pocket.

"It turns out everyone has loads of these things and at every visit to the site you will be surprised by what people are watching. Some are just photos of pure blackness, some with spots of CCD flare. Some are washed out pictures of the sky, or out-of-focus shots of tree canopies," explained Mr Billingsworth. "There are videos of the close-ups of a hairbrush bouncing into a box of tampons in a viewer's handbag, or the blurred bounce across the passenger seat of a car. Some are just rubbish."

Internet technology watchers are hailing the Accidental Photographer as the future of entertainment, given that it is not just possible for anyone to create content but they can now do it without even trying.

"I don't think it is an exaggeration to say that the Accidental Photographer represents the end of the road for the traditional quality media outlets such as YouTube," said Mr Bloggy.

The site born of frustration with the camera on Victor’s mobile ‘phone is now part of an aggressive bidding war between Yahoo and Google. The latter’s latest bid is $1Trillion, six islands in the pacific, the services of every female employee and is promising to re-brand itself Billingswoogle.

Accidental Photographer’s most viewed video of all time is shown below :-

New Zealand suffering high Orc unemployment

In a debate in the New Zealand parliament, Michael Cullen, the country's finance minister, was assailed by a barrage of questions regarding the recent influx of immigrants and the effects that they were having on the economy.

"What we wanted the Minister to understand was that these Orcs are not integrating well into our society and it is starting to have very adverse implications," said Winston Billingsworth of the New Zealand First Party.

Several years ago there was a great influx from the middle-earth into New Zealand. They were brought with promises of a great future in a land were the trees are strong and their roots go deep, where they could forge a new order in the fires of industry. However the reality is that many are struggling to learn English or to find a trade.

"As you walk around our great cities from Auckland to Wellington to Isengard, you are never far from being accosted by one of these Uruk-Hai black-fellas asking you to spare a few cents," said Mr Billingsworth. "They carry an air of menace about them as they brandish their rusty scimitar under your nose."

Whilst New Zealand by its very history is welcoming of immigrants into a land of opportunity, many Kiwis feel that their country is being over-run and their way of life threatened.

"It isn't just the cities, the hills are covered with thousands of Orcs all massing and drinking cheap liquor." said Billingsworth. "They aren't capable of getting a job and though the Government denies this, they are responsible for nearly all scimitar related murders. I don't think the rise in victims of cannibalistic disembowelments is unrelated either."

New Zealand, a sparsely populated country with ten times as many sheep as people, is a mainly rural country and it is in the small towns that the feeling against the 'people of wretchedness' (as they prefer to be called) is strongest.

"To be honest, it was OK when they kept themselves to themselves," said the MP for Orthanc. "Indeed their battles with the Elves were very spectacular and provided a great source of entertainment. Now that they have nothing to do they are just turning our towns into ghettos filled with hard drink and ironmongers. They certainly don't want to learn our language so we have to make signs in 'Black Speech’. And don't get me started on their cooking! Those rituals involving beating an animal to death with its own severed limbs, it’s just not New Zealandian."

Those living near the Orc communities say that the quality of their lives and the value of their homes have been reduced since the influx from Middle-Earth.

"How many times a day do we have to put up with the constant roaring of battle cries? The sound of the slaughter of their animals is horrific. Now they want planning permission to build a shrine out of the bones of their victims. It is making the residents of the old folk’s home nervous," said Billingsworth. "Mind you some communities have it even worse. Christchurch is full of Australians."

Showbiz’s leading grumps to retire

Albert and Ada Billingsworth are to finally hang up their wide range of scowls, frowns and grimaces and retire from the world of Television and Film after a career spanning four decades.

"We have been very lucky and stood in the background behind some apparently great young stars," said Ada. "Being in this business so long we have had a chance to play all of the truly great parts, from disapproving and unhappy to angry and confused. It's time to hand over and give someone just slightly younger than us a chance."

The Guinness Book of Records confirms the couple as having the most credited and scripted appearances in film and television, having appeared in every genre including comedies, sit-coms, comedy sketch-shows, and comedy variety shows.

"Our main pieces of business are to look on disapprovingly as the star does something novel or outgoing," said Ada whose most recent appearance was during the recent car test through the crowded streets of Liverpool on the comedy-magazine show TopGear.

"I have worked with all the greats: Robert De Niro, Dame Helen Mirren, Jade Goody. Well, I have seen most of them at any rate, since I am always in the background," said Albert. "If I am honest, I don't really like extroverted people, what with all that jumping about. What really gets my goat are dance routines with the stars prancing about all over the street furniture. I guess I am just a natural for my role."

The couple, who got their big break during a comedy TV news report about the mini-skirt, have not decided how they are to spend their retirement. Like many that retire from show business they are concerned about their future standard of living.

"We are used to getting paid five hundred grand for an afternoon's work," said Albert. "The state pension won't provide for nearly enough charlie for me to sniff off Ada's tits."

Vodafone to announce new “Call Moaning” tariff

The world's largest mobile phone company today announced a new tariff in the white-hot competition for subscriber minutes.

"We have analysed the hundreds of millions of calls made through our network each day and we realise that what our customers really want is a tariff suited to their calling patterns," explained Darren Billingsworth, senior marketing executive at the mobile phone giant.

The new call plan, known as "Call Moaning" will allow unlimited downbeat conversations for a fixed monthly fee. Computers will analyse the tone of the conversation and the caller will only be charged if it is in anyway uplifting or light-hearted.

"Most mobile phone conversations are based around the bus being late, it being raining or a word by word account of what Chanelle told Sharon that Billy had said about her," said Billingsworth. "These are important facets of life that we in the communication biosphere feel need to shared."

Rival mobile phone firms said that whilst they were not in a position to offer sophisticated voice analysis they would be launching competing tariffs. Orange have said that callers can bundle a group of free calls into their talk-time which will be activated by detection of key phrases, such as "I am on the train." or "Oh my God, shut up."

"It is important that everyday detritus is allowed to fill the world of the commuter else they may feel cut off from the knowledge that most other people lead drab and boring lives too," said Billingsworth. "We want to encourage this shared morose as schadenfreude makes us all feel better."

Vodafone said this was just another example of how the connected world was enriching our lives by ensuring that none of the minutia of everyday life goes forgotten or unsaid.

"It is difficult to imagine how we used to live, but it wasn't that long ago that you used to get onto a train and worry only that someone next to you might fall asleep and loll onto your shoulder," said Darren. "Now with 'Call Moaning', you can listen in as someone angrily breaks up with her boyfriend over some triviality and rest assured that she will not run out of credit and can fill the entire journey with a series of tearful and repetitive phone calls to her girlfriends."

Secret to hit song “3 times a lady” revealed

Lionel Ritchie today surprised many by finally revealing the meaning of his hit song “3 times a lady” which topped the UK charts in 1978. The song is one of the most speculated about in history, with all sorts of theories about the cryptic lyrics – everything from an attack on then US President Jimmy Carter to the exposure of faked moon landings. However the ballad, says Mr Ritchie, is about the struggles of a trans-sexual friend.

“Charles Billingsworth had always felt more comfortable as Charlotte, but to us was always just Charlie,” said Ritchie. “However back in the 60s there wasn't as much acceptance of her condition as there is now.”

Ms Billingsworth underwent her first sex-change procedure in 1965. However she found it difficult to continue her job as a bricklayer during the construction boom of 60s Las Vegas, whilst also auditioning as a showgirl.

“Charlie had no other trade, apart from some very lowly paid work as a pole-dancer,” said the former member of The Commodores. “But her income dropped dramatically when a law compelling dancers to remain six feet from customers was abolished. She underwent re-constructive surgery, back to male. This was only partially successful as Charlie needed to sit down to pee, and looked less masculine than the female shot-putters that were taking part in the Munich Olympics,” explained Ritchie.

Charlie retrained as a ship's welder to pay her passage to Thailand and raise enough money to have what she thought would be her final gender re-assignment operation.

“She felt so much more accepted out there, with so many lady-boys,” said the singer-songwriter. “She was now twice a lady.”

However, despite acceptance as a trans-sexual by Thai society she was not able to return to either career as an exotic dancer, or as a welder.

“The steel game is a man's world, and although the surgery wasn't bad, Charlie never weighed less than 250 pounds. You know that fan dance? She couldn't afford that many ostrich feathers.”

Forced to have another cheap medical procedure, Charlie thought she would have to spend the rest of her life as a woman trapped in something resembling a man's body.

“There is a limit to how much the body can take and now she looked like she'd been in a truck crash with a cargo of ugly sticks.” explained Ritchie.

Charlie decided to write her life story which later became the hit movie “Flashdance” about a steel-working dancer. The income from the screenplay enabled her to get the life that she really wanted.

“To be honest, Charlie was never happy about the production of the movie, but in a way that mirrored her life,” explained Ritchie. “Both took years to finish and were hacked about from every angle!”

The proceeds from the film enabled her to get the finest surgery available and Charlie Billingsworth was able to finally, on the third attempt, become a lady.

“It is as simple as that, once, twice, three times a lady.” said Mr Ritchie. “Although you could never drop a bucket of water on her like in the movie, her tits would come off."

'Leaning' Tower of Pisa is a fake

Officials in the historic Italian town of Pisa have shocked the world by admitting that their iconic tower is in fact not leaning at all. The revelation was made after queries following the 'Euro-Level 2007' exhibition at the town's convention centre.

“We had the finest spirit level manufacturers from all over the world with stands at the exhibition and many of them simply could not get their stands set-up squarely”, said Pierre Facturations-Valeer a member of a French delegation.

Delegates at the convention reported that those stands with a view of the famous 'leaning' tower were unable to be set level on the convention centre floor. This led to an impromptu survey of the town by delegates and a report to the then mayor of Pisa, Jarno Valore di Fatturazioni.

“We admit it,” said former Mayor Valore di Fatturazioni. “The game is up. We here in Pisa are, how you say, ‘not on the level’!”

The mayor has now admitted that it is the town of Pisa rather than the famous tower that is sloping.

“For centuries we have maintained this horrible secret, but in many ways it is a relief that the truth has come out.” said Signore Valore di Fatturazioni.

The former mayor revealed that a secret religious order, known as 'The Inclinati' have infiltrated the world’s scientific and construction communities to spread their inclinations and ensure that all building works within view of the famous tower are constructed at a 5.5 degree angle. This gives the impression to bystanders that it is in fact the tower that is leaning.

“The tower is absolutely vertical. All of the nearby museum furniture is built, how you say, 'lop-sided'. The museum curators all walk around wearing one platform shoe, so they appear to be standing up straight on its sloping floors.”

Signore Valore di Fatturazioni also revealed that the formerly secret Inclinati were launching a travel company for visitors who wish to “Tour the Leaning Town of Pisa”.

The town council has come under criticism regarding the large amounts of money that has been spent by both the Italian and European authorities to supposedly stabilising a monument that in fact is in no danger at all of falling.

“It is not true that the money has been wasted,” said Valore di Fatturazioni, speaking from the formerly secret headquarters of the Inclinati deep within the Vatican. “All over Pisa are areas of the town built on slopes that have cost huge amounts money. As does the fabulous collection of Ferraris that the Inclinati store beneath them.”

Royal mail adverts insists “it is business as usual”

The Royal Mail today took out a double page advert in the quality papers to help clear up any confusion that customers might have following the recent mail strike.

“Many people have become confused about the service we are offering,” said Sally Billingsworth, a service manager at Royal Mail's Old Street headquarters in London. “We wanted to ensure customers that the service is back to the standards they expect.”

The open letter, signed by the Chief Executive, Adam Crozier, is aimed at ensuring to customers that they can expect to receive the quality of service that has been available since he took charge in 2003, the text of which is reproduced below:

There may be some confusion now that our staff have returned to work following the recent strike:

• Unlike the Victorians you will not be able to get your post before you leave for work


• Unlike 30 years ago you will not be able to post a standard A4 envelope without queuing in a post office.

So, back to business as usual!

Ripper loose in Westminster

Following the most recent high-profile knife attack on an elderly man out innocently running his party, the Metropolitan Police have revealed that they are now searching for a serial attacker after linking a series of recent knife attacks on men in London.

"There have been a series of high-profile knife crimes in recent months and we now feel we have found the evidence needed to link them together," explained Detective Inspector Patrick Billingsworth. "The recent attack on Sir Menzies Campbell is the fourth in a series of attacks on high-profile Scotsman in Westminster.

Friends and relatives of Sir Menzies say that his attacker came from nowhere and distracted him with talk of rallying behind him, it was at this point that Sir Menzies felt the plunge of the dagger into his back.

The manner of the attack is enabling investigators to pinpoint older unsolved woundings and murders that fit the same pattern. It seems the attacks focus on men born in Scotland and living in the London borough of Westminster.

The attacker is believed to have struck many times over the last several years but it was thought he had gone to ground following an attack on a fellow party go-er from Scotland. The victim, after a long lunch, was attempting to make his way unsteadily through a proposal on tax reform when the attacker struck.

"Fortunately I'd had a couple of drinks which enabled me to overcome the shock of having been stabbed in the back and I could seek recovery with a lucrative book deal." said Mr Kennedy.

Police say that a couple of his other victims have only been lightly wounded, such as a Scottish man from Downing Street who suffered a minor injury from the ‘Westminster Ripper’ which led to an embarrassing infirmity and re-assessment of priorities.

"It gave me quite a scare, and did make me consider the whole issue of inheritance," explained Mr Brown from his recuperation in Portugal.

People on the streets of Westminster are concerned not only that the Ripper might strike them but that they could fall victim from copycat crimes.

"The real worry is that all of the victims have been born in Scotland. Let us hope that the Police can catch him before he strikes again. Especially if he becomes confused over Englishmen who simply have Scottish surnames." said local man, David Cameron.

Threat to world vowel population

Today, literary climate experts published a report on the world's native vowel population. The report says that the common vowel is coming under pressure as their natural habitat is being steadily eroded.

“All over the world vowels are becoming harder and harder to find,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, one of the reports authors. “With the spread of modern communications the vowel is coming under increasing pressure. The vowel is quite a sensitive creature and depends on a sophisticated set of conditions for it to flourish, unfortunately these conditions are the victims of our faster paced lifestyles and commerce.”

Experts believe that if current trends are continued the vowel may well be extinct as early as 2020. Globalisation is said to be driving force pushing the vowel towards oblivion.

“As western culture becomes ubiquitous we are finding an increase in global warming towards English, Industrialised English has decimated the vowel population at home and abroad,” said Professor Billingsworth.

The US has come under fire as being the largest single contributor to the destruction of the vowel, with American spellings leading to widespread devastation of previously successful colonies. In addition the vowel is now believed to be on the brink of extinction in instant messaging and SMS text message environments.

“One of the key reasons the US would not ratify the Kyoto Protocol is the extended vowel usage and their belief that technology can produce image based communication. Enforcing vowel quotas is cumbersome and a drag on the US economy,” explained Billingsworth at a press conference at the Jeremy Kyle University.

Scientists say that the future of the vowel may be in captive breading programmes and the successful release of new groups back into the environment. Precipitous coastal escarpments are seeing a veritable vertiginous increase in proclivity towards the water vowel, for example.

“A lot of good work has been done in Wales,” explained Billingsworth. “In fact it has been so successful that there are far more vowels than necessary in any given sentence in Welsh.”

Al Gore to lead obesity campaign

Fresh from his victory at this year's Nobbies in Oslo, where he walked away with the Nobel Prize for Film making, Al Gore says he is now prepared to help the UK government in their battle against obesity that they have likened to the fight against global warming.

“Obesity is a challenge we all face and is something close to my heart,” said the big-boned former vice-president of the United States. “It is a big challenge, and one that is getting bigger all the time. Let's face it, what fatties don't want is an increase in global temperatures, which is another piece of the pie.”

Mr Gore said that he would embark on a lecture tour, sponsored by the new Haagen Dazs offsetting scheme, whereby, for every tub of posh ice cream that you buy, someone in India runs a lap of a forest. He is also planning a new movie on the perils of obesity, entitled 'A Big Fat Fact'. He also revealed that his work with the British government would be a new solo project.

“I feel I have gone as far as I can with my backing group, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change,” he said. “You know how it is, artistic differences. The rest of the group has these pretensions at doing thoughtful work.”

The Peace Prize winner also brushed off criticism from the High Court of being alarmist and using misleading evidence.

“If it is alarmist and incorrect to say that we are all going to die when the whole of Mount Kilimanjaro melts on us, then I don't want to be right.” he said at the Vanity Fair after-ceremony party in Oslo.

The Health Secretary, Alan Johnson, said that Mr Gore's Nobel Prize winning talents of public relations, spectacular computer models and exaggerated claims were exactly the things needed to complement the government's action plan for combating obesity.

“Obesity is a problem that will have an impact on all areas of society, at home and at work,” said Mr Johnson. “We will need stronger sofas, and sturdier office chairs. Mr Gore's Oscar-winning talents will be able to connect with obese people right where it matters; sitting in the cinema, behind a jumbo bag of popcorn.”

Anti-Environmentalist 'Brown Life' campaign gathers strength

Anti-environmentalism is a new reactionary movement whose followers believe that the green lobby is distorting the current scientific evidence regarding Climate Change. The movement is gathering strength from those who feel angered by overt environmentalism.

"Frankly it all disgusts me," said Frank Billingsworth, a retired army Major from Surrey. "All these tree-huggers telling us what we can and cannot do. It's not right. It's a free country and I am free to be an anti-environmentalist."

Mr Billingsworth said that as a reaction to the green movement he is now actively taking steps to use more energy and increase his level of pollution.

"You know, it is the little things that count. Nowadays I don't leave my TV on standby when I am not watching it. Now I just leave it on. Especially overnight. I turn it up loud, turn the brightness right up and just stick ear plugs in."

Mr Billingsworth said that it was becoming increasingly difficult to lead a "brown" lifestyle as technology improves and our lives become naturally more energy efficient.

"When I hear friends talk about their carbon offsetting, it makes me pleased." said former Major Billingsworth. "It means that when I go home and put both the air-conditioning and the heating on I am undoing all their good work."

Perhaps surprisingly Frank's wife Elsie drives a Toyota Prius hybrid car, but is still keen to help her husband's cause.

"We co-ordinate our journeys in terms of their environmental impact," said Mrs Billingsworth. "Frank uses the Land Rover only to go to the supermarket to buy in-organic veg and veal cutlets that have been flown in overnight from New Zealand, whereas I only use the Prius for long motorway journeys. It takes longer to get to my sister's in Edinburgh, but I refuse to get out of second gear or take the handbrake off. Of course if I was going a shorter distance, say to visit my children who live near Gatwick I would just drive to Manchester and fly back down."

Whilst many people argue that even if you don't believe any of the Climate Change evidence it still makes common sense to be energy efficient and cut down on pollution, Frank disagrees.

"God gave us dominion over the Earth and all the beasts of His Kingdom," said the Major. "So it is no business of any do-gooder how much sulphur there is in the tyres that I use to barbecue my Tiger Steaks in winter. Sure it would be nice if the trees were still alive in my garden, but the palls of black smoke are a price worth paying for our principles."

Google's gPhone: in-conversation adverts in exchange for free calls.

Details are being released of the long expected move by Google into the consumer electronics market with the highly anticipated gPhone. Initial specifications reveal that the phone will be coupled with Google's industry leading technology in the provision of targeted advertising and placing context sensitive adverts directly into a conversation in the form of audible 'calls to action' in exchange for free voice calls.

“Having had a chance to play with a prototype I think it is clear what Google's intentions are but by using their web technology they risk transferring existing problems across to the new platform,” said technology pundit Mr Bloggy.

Below is a sample transcript from a test conversation on the gPhone prototype and the manner of Google's interactive advertising.

Mr Bloggy :- “Hi, Sally it's me!”

Sally : “Hi love, where are you?”

Mr Bloggy : “I am on the train, just going past Denmark Hill”

Automated Voice : “Ads by Google : Press 1 for cheap flights to Europe”

Sally : “You are on a plane, I thought we were going for an Indian tonight?”

Mr Bloggy : “No, that was the new phone. I am in South East London! Just a couple more stops then home, I am starving!”

Automated voice : “Public Service Ads by Google : Press 1 to help the millions of children who will go hungry today.”

Sally : “We don't have to go mad I suppose. I guess it is a bit of a luxury.”

Mr Bloggy : “Don't be silly! It's this phone I am testing, it's a right pain in the arse.”

Automated voice : “Ads by Google : Press 1 for cheap haemorrhoid cream”

Mr Bloggy : “Oh my God, I don't believe this!”

Automated voice : “Ads by Google : Did Jesus exist? Press 1 to find out!”

Sally : “That phone really does sound like a load of crap”

Automated Voice : “Ads by Google: Press 1 to press the fart button. You know you want to.”

The gPhone has experienced delays due to the complexity of performing contextual analysis of billions of text messages and free text messaging is a feature many analysts feel will be missing from the initial versions of the phone.

“Google has experience of search in over 150 languages including those that use non-Latin alphabets,” said Mr Bloggy. “But they have struggled to make any sense at all of text messages sent by teenagers.”

Three years later, and The Onion brings us the Video version of this technology story:-


New Google Phone Service Whispers Targeted Ads Directly Into Users' Ears

ITV announce new “ITV1 – 1” channel

Following the success of channels such as 'Channel4+1', which show a conventional channel's programme stream delayed by one hour, ITV has planned an innovative service of its own.

“We realise that viewers want increased choice and flexibility from their broadcasters, so we plan to introduce a new service enabling our viewers to miss our programmes more easily,” explained Gerald Billingsworth, head of Light Entertainment at Granada. “Unlike Channel 4 which has provocative and innovative programmes, compared to our cheap derivative offerings. We will be introducing 'ITV1 -1' so that viewers can tune in at the scheduled time and have the wonderful surprise of having missed the programme that was broadcast an hour ago.”

ITV is working closely with its broadcast partners Virgin Media and Sky to integrate sophisticated programme skipping functionality into their respective V+ and Sky + personal video recorders.

“We have talked to the ITV viewer and they have spoken loudly and clearly, they want a 'Record nothing like this' option,” explained Billingsworth. “The boxes will also offer a 'calm' option whereby the user can choose to have inadvertent recordings of our schedule replaced by pictures of a waterfall and whale music.”

However it is the expanded channel range that is really exciting the mandarins at ITV. If 'minus one' proves to be a success then they are preparing for the launch of 'ITV1+8' as a real breakthrough in the '+1' channel format.

“This would give the people of Great Britain the chance to completely miss the latest prime-time vehicles for Ant & Dec,” said Mr Billingsworth. “On 'plus eight' programmes such as 'Britain's got talent','X Factor' and the like can safely be shown in the small hours of the morning meaning no one need suffer.”

Daily Express news article template leaked

There are red faces in Lower Thames Street today after the template for Daily Express news articles was leaked onto the internet from an unknown source. An internal investigation is believed to be under way and focussing on any journalist who has shown any pride in their work or expressed any fondness for traditions of good journalism.

The template (front page shown - click for larger image) contains not only the format but also suggested text as well as placement of adverts. Directions to the editorial staff are shown in square brackets ([ ]) and include references to holidays, further content and legal considerations.

“The template is believed to have been in use for sometime and was last updated this summer,” explained Costa Billingsworth, 17, Chief Media Analyst at consultancy Tornado Snail. “Given that the Express has an editorial policy review every 50 years or so we can expect more stories using this template for some time to come.”

Bible available by Txt Msg

Today a new range of Biblical products can be downloaded to customer’s mobile phones. A British company is leading the way in providing services to Christians that they feel are under-represented in the market.

"It is a good move and about time too," commented Diane Billingsworth, professor of Social Theology at the Jeremy Kyle University. "The mobile phone market is currently used for all sorts of sinful activities, from gambling to pornography. So it is good that young Christians can get their hands on the Good News. They can now take Jesus into their hearts in the dark under the bedclothes."

The company has said that they have had to adjust the presentation of the Biblical teachings to match the capabilities of as many phones as possible and also to appeal to the teenage market. Hence these products also represent the latest incarnation of the Bible, this time into "text speak" a sample of which is included below from Genesis, or Gnsis: -

1. n d beginN God creatD d heavNz & d erth.
2. nw d erth wz formless & Mt, drknez wz Ovr d surfAc of d dEp, & d Spirit of God wz
   hovRN Ovr d H2Oz.
3. & God sed, "lt ther b lite," & ther wz lite.
4. God saw dat d lite wz gud, & He separated d lite frm d drknez.
5. God caLd d lite "dA," & d drknez he caLd "nyt." & ther wz evNg, & ther wz
   morning—the 1st dA.
6. & God sed, "lt ther b an expanse Btwen d H2Oz 2 separate H2O frm H2O."
7. So God mAd d expanse & separated d H2O undR d expanse frm d H2O abof it. & it wz so.
8. God caLd d expanse "sky." & ther wz evNg, & ther wz morning—the 2nd dA.
9. & God sed, "lt d H2O undR d sky b gathRD 2 1 plAc, & lt dry ground apEr." & it wz so.
10. God caLd d dry ground "land," & d gathRD H2Oz he caLd "seas." & God saw dat it wz gud

Purists would argue that the message of the Bible should not be trivialised into the modern vernacular of text messages and warn against misinterpretation and mistranslation into what is a notoriously cumbersome form of communication, However Mrs Billingsworth is not concerned.

"I think a text message Bible will be as understandable as any other kind," she said. "Yes text messages can be misinterpreted, but then the Good Book is being continuously re-interpreted all over the world to satisfy the needs of those reading it. You never know if there is mistranslation it might cancel out the ones already in the English version!"

Mrs Billingsworth said that whilst the likely market for such products was uncertain within the increasingly secular UK and whether or not teenagers would find Christian products cool, any company trading in such religious goods was uniquely placed to raise capital.

"As it says in Genesis 19:8," explains Mrs Billingsworth. "Should the business fail and the creditors come calling they can always offer sex with their daughters as payment."

Outbreak of “Bluetongue” in 10 Downing Street

The Prime Minister has confirmed rumours of another outbreak of the disease Bluetongue, this time within central London and believed to be the centred on Whitehall.

“There has been a number of instances that have been identified in the press as being cases of Bluetongue,” said Gordon Brown from within the exclusion zone within Downing Street. “Jack Straw's most recent announcement regarding so called 'Have a go heroes' is the latest such policy outbreak.”

The government has come under fire for not protecting the country from this deadly contagion, a disease that can lead to a foaming of the mouth and cause the afflicted to produce large amounts of bile and venom. This can manifest itself as a 'Blue Rage' targeted at the weaker members of societal groups, such as those from different cultural backgrounds.

“The last big outbreak was in the '80s when most of the country was afflicted by a virulent outbreak of Bluetongue that originated in the town of Grantham and spread nationwide via Downing Street and Westminster,” said historian Gerald Billingsworth. “Those most at risk were the weaker and poorer areas of society, such as the mining and manufacturing communities.”

It had been thought that not only had the disease been eradicated from Britain but that the scenes of widespread devastation caused by the rampages across the land of those most severely afflicted had inoculated the country against future infections.

“The lessons learnt from the last outbreak seemed to have prevented any further cases over the last decade,” explained Mr Billingsworth. “After a great deal of pain the country was finally able to be rid of the scourge of Bluetongue when the carriers failed with a policy of inert 'Back to Basics' treatment that ended up with them succumbing to a series of foot 'n mouth outbreaks. The papers of the time often carried distressing pictures of the sufferers, and their secretaries, on their backs with their legs in the air.”

The government has denied that this most recent outbreak occurred when a Bluetongue carrier, thought to be a disease ridden old cow, was recently taken to lunch at Downing Street.

Dolphins suffer from PMT too

Marine Biologists at the world famous Ben Nevis Sea Life Centre have announced startling new research that indicates that dolphins suffer from Pre-Menstrual Tension just as much as humans.

"We have analysed the behaviour of marine mammals including our dolphins for some time, however the breakthrough came with translation of their complicated clicks and whistles," explained Dr Phillippa Billingsworth at the launch of the study, entitled 'I'm Tense and Porpoise'.

The study found that the intelligent marine mammals exhibited heightened tension and irritability that was synchronised to the phases of the moon. The dolphins would often informally segregate by sex and their communications reveal the tensions within the pod.

"All of the members of the pod suffer from PMT, the males as much as the females as it seems they cop the fallout," explained Dr Billingsworth. "Just like with humans."

The transcripts of the dolphin's underwater exchanges hint at this tension and the steps to which the male dolphins are sympathetic but confused by the behaviour of their mates. In one exchange a male dolphin appears to lament to another that "I have no idea, I simply made an encouraging whistle at the young female who was practising her leaps this morning and the missus starts clicking on about how her mother warned about me before we were caught."

In another exchange one of the males is concerned that his mate may be suffering from some sort of mental problem, he says, "She is going nuts mate. She was whistling like a mad thing during feeding this morning. I tried to explain that the reason we spend Christmas with my family is that we were all captured together and hers are still free. She just said that the killer whale in the other tank would be able to jump the sea gate and then she swam off to get her flippers waxed."

"It seems the males are at a loss as to how to react to the females, so when they sense the onset of PMT they try to keep out of their way," said Phillippa. "In one exchange a harassed male says to another member of the pod 'Quick, lets get down to the shallow end and look busy, otherwise the missus will have me jumping through hoops all afternoon.'"

Madeleine's child saving account found at Northern Rock

An exclusive story in today's Daily Express and The Mirror newspapers has revealed speculation of the shocking details of Madeleine McCann's savings which have finally been located in an account with troubled bank, Northern Rock.

The Daily Mail and Daily Star, which also exclusively carrying the story, agree that unnamed sources indicate the money, deposited by her parents, is held in a Select 120 account.

“It is a great relief to all of us in the media that this account has been found,” said Business Journalist Preston Billingsworth, whose exclusive opinion piece appears in both The Sun and The Times. “We know that the British public were as confused as us journalists about the current turmoil in financial markets. My colleagues are now relieved to be able to get back to speculating about the McCann's and missing Madeleine.”

Experts are said to be relieved that the turmoil in financial journalism has been overcome without any major loss of circulation, indeed a select few have managed to increase sales and viewing numbers by astute investment in sensational headlines.

“We whipped the public up into an almost self-fulfilling prophecy over Northern Rock, which I think was important since most of us did not understand anything that we were reporting about but a queue outside a branch speaks for itself,” explained Mr Billingsworth speaking exclusively to BBC News 24 and Sky News. “However now we can dovetail two excellent and heart-rending stories: the panic that Northern Rock savers have suffered and the fact that the McCann's would clearly be unable to join any such queue without being besieged by the press asking if they had murdered the financial system by burying her savings.”

Tomorrow all newspapers will exclusively reveal new speculation that residue from the seal of a Northern Rock automatic deposit envelope was found in the McCann's hire car 25 days after she went missing – which is 120 days from today and sources indicate that this is directly related to the notice period on her account.

Pope's message played backwards reveals “confessional song lyrics”

Scientist's at the Jeremy Kyle Institute for behavioural research have published startling findings into analysis of Pope Benedict XVI’s Easter blessing. The traditional papal message, given from the balcony of St Peter's Basilica in the Vatican was broadcast to over a hundred countries and an estimated 4 billion people. Researchers have found what they believe are secret messages encoded in the blessing using the technique known as ‘backmasking’. This technique is said to be the intentional placement of messages that can only be revealed by playing the recording backwards and sometimes at a different speed.

"Normally the techinque is used by rock bands to plant satanic messages, but it seems the Vatican are getting in on the act," said controversial behavioural scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth who led the research team."Once we identified that the recording needed to be slowed to seven-eighths of its original speed and have a quarter second echo added the messages became clear,"

"So far we have found dozens of references to song lyrics, from the Beatles to The Platters and Pink Floyd, to name but a few. " explained the Professor. "The phrase 'Worship the Lord for He said I am the Walrus' is mentioned several times as is 'Money, that's all we want'.

The researchers say that Pope Benedict may be using the hidden messages as a form of confession and an opportunity for the Church of Rome to divest itself of its sins.

"At one point the message 'Oh yes, I'm the great pretender' is followed by 'Hey Preacher, leave them kids alone', said Professor Billingsworth. 'There is a short gap and then 'Nothing is Real' can clearly be heard as though in a tortured scream."

To highlight the level of complexity, the researchers believe that the Pope makes reference to the supposed death of McCartney, itself said to be revealed by backmasked messages.

"Perhaps Pope Benedict is trying to tell us that what we believe about the celebration of other mythical deaths is also a hoax," said Billingsworth. "At several points he clearly says 'Turn me on dead man' a key phrase from the backmasked song 'Revolution 9' and clearly referring to the myths of the death of Christ."



The most startling revelation appears in the final section of the reversed recording (the start when played forwards).

"It is the most elaborate as it resembles a Gregorian chant, and the former Cardinal Ratzenberger uses it to extol "I am the Hitler Youth, join any group to advance".

The research team is moving on to other recordings from religious leaders but says that the ones from Islamic preachers are much more straightforward.

"Most of them sound the same backwards as they do forwards," said Professor Billingsworth. "They are just composed of an endless loop screaming 'Kill all the infidel'."

Football chiefs plan new remembrance packages

Marketing executives from Premier League and Championship football clubs are finalising plans to launch new remembrance packages for those families that suffer the tragedy of losing a young member. An inside source said that the clubs are keen to maximise their exposure in all markets and that tragic events that get worldwide news coverage are a rich source of exposure for both club merchandise and shirt sponsors.

“Football is trying to modernise, to increase its appeal with the media and with families and, like many sports, is keen to ensure it gets maximum exposure for its brand and the logo of its sponsors,” said a source close to one club. “Traditionally a few lucky families have been able to bask in the reflected glow as their child is led out with the teams as a mascot. Whilst clubs can now charge several hundred pounds a time for the honour, the number of children that can be accommodated per game is obviously limited.”

Recently there has been an increase in the sensationalist media coverage of the tragic deaths of children, many of whom come from football loving families, and it is this that has led clubs to try to ensure that families' wishes are able to be catered for.

“There can't be many children in the country who have not been photographed in a replica football shirt, available from all good club shops along with a wide range of other merchandise,” said the source. “As soon as the papers print these pictures football feels it has to respond. However there may come a time when the numbers of families involved simply cannot be accommodated.”

The clubs are working with actuaries to provide debentures for families who wish to have their child remembered just before kick-off with more expensive packages offering a selection of players available to make public announcements or attend funeral services. No decision has been made about the inevitable request for players to be pall bearers, although it is said to be “pricey”.

“It is obviously a sensitive area, and one that the clubs are treading carefully on. However players taking time out from training is not something that is easy to arrange. Neither is finding three or four who will not be hungover, to act as pall bearers.” said the source. “However a great many parents want their children remembered in the aggressive and alcohol fuelled thoughts of thousands of football fans awaiting the latest episode of foul-mouthed and disrespectful deceit that takes place on the pitch.”

Shopping Mall provides warning lights for customers

Management at the huge Bluewater centre in Kent today unveiled a new system of personal warning lights for shoppers that the mall management hopes will aid safety and enjoyment whilst shopping.

"We are constantly striving to improve the experience here at Bluewater and we think that this innovation will help our customers get the most out of the time, and money, they spend here," said Anita Billingsworth, Head of Concierge services.

The new devices are a series of clip on warning lights that mimic the behaviour of the indicator and brake lights on motor vehicles.

"Every year we survey our customers and one of the most consistent findings is the frustration at having someone stop quickly or veer into your path as you are walking either around the complex itself or in any of the individual shops," explained Ms Billingsworth. "We have spent the last year working with experimental Formula One derived technology for g-force triggered lighting and are pleased with the progress so far."

The new lights contain sensitive switches that respond to external forces that the shopper creates by their movement and can therefore activate red lights should they stop suddenly or the relevant orange indicator when they change direction.

"We think that this is something shoppers have a need for, and also something that, at busy times such as Christmas, should provide a spectacular light display from thousands of wearers across the aisles and walkways," said Anita. "For those sensitive to such lights, we will also be supplying sunglasses and have extra medical cover for any epileptic episodes "

The shopping centre management said that reports of failures in both the lights and the battery systems were just initial teething troubles with the first generation of lights.

"The early prototypes did suffer from some problems. We found that groups of two or more mothers with pushchairs would drain the batteries in only a few minutes with the frequent instant stops in shop doorways – even when we tried a pushchair-mounted car battery," explained Ms Billingsworth. "We have now moved to a self generating version that uses the rapid and random changes in direction of your average shopper to power the lights. These work much more reliably, although groups of women chatting have been known to blow the bulbs."

World's heaviest bulimia sufferer dies

Friends and family were today mourning the death of Tracey Billingsworth, who died yesterday at the age of 38. Tracey, from Thurrock in Essex, held the title of the World's largest sufferer of bulimia - an eating disorder whereby the suffer causes themselves to vomit.

"She was such a big person, in every way,” said her mother, Sharon. “She suffered terribly with her eating disorder, but she never let it get her down, or stop her doing what she wanted to do. She would just bounce from one episode to the next.”

Tracey had suffered from weight problems since she was a small girl. Indeed her Weight Watcher's journal from the last two decades reveal how her weight had yo-yo-ed from a maximum of just under 24 stone to a low of over 22 stone. After many years of struggle she was diagnosed as bulimic by the Upstairs School of Homoeopathic Remedies - above the dance studio in Basildon town centre. Traditionally bulimia is associated with people who are underweight, however in Tracey's case the frequent and regular periods of vomiting were exacerbated by other conditions.

"She had always struggled with her weight, since she became big-boned as a child. When Princess Diana discovered bulimia, Tracey just knew that was the condition for her,” said her tearful mum. “The people at the Homoeopathy School were amazed that someone who threw up as much as she did could be so large, but she had such a big frame and such a desire for life that if a bout of bulimia did strike her it would not prevent her from rejoining her friends in the pub and carrying on as though nothing had happened.”

Mrs Billingsworth said the hardest part would probably be quiet Sunday shopping trips, where Tracey's ebullient personality would be sorely missed.

“Everyone loved her, she used to charm the young lads who worked at Krispie Kreme, where she was such a regular customer. She would often get an extra half dozen free.” said Sharon. “Sunday's won't be the same without the sound of her crashing into the downstairs loo and those sad sounds of her condition. She always had a smile for us and never let it get the family down. No matter how bad it would be she would be home in time for Sunday lunch and always wanted extra helpings of my trifle.”

Indeed, it was the muffled sounds of her condition that would often signal the heart-breaking end to a fun-filled night out .

“We would go out to Bingo of a Wednesday night and have fifteen or twenty Bacardi Breezers and a Kebab or two and often, even before we got home, Tracey's bulimia would flare up in the back of the Taxi.”

Late surge in British news media holiday bookings for the Algarve

There has been a late surge in bookings by Britons seeking to extend their summer. Planes filled with ordinary working people from the BBC, Sky News and the nation's tabloid newspapers have headed off to try and grab a few extra days of sun-soaked reporting in Portugal.

“The last chance I had for a break in the sun was in May. We stayed for as long as we could afford, but we are just normal journalists, and we had to go back to the day job - writing about celebrity drug problems and David Cameron's hair,” said Mary Billingsworth of Sky News.

Increasingly as their standard of living increases many Britons are now able to enjoy two or more foreign breaks a year.

“We are very pleased that we have reached a position where we can go out to the Algarve again and extend the summer,” said Ms Billingsworth. “There were so many people that we talked to, for hours, that we hoped would become interesting and we are quite happy to interview again. And again.”

Like holidaymakers the world over, people form holiday friendships that don't last any longer than retrieving their luggage on the carousel at Gatwick.

“There was one couple in particular that nearly all of us spent a huge amount of time with,” explained Mary. “We took hundreds of photos of them and are trying as hard as possible to get in touch as everyone on the plane kept saying that they would soon be going away for a long time.”

The holidaymakers are concerned that their idyll in the sun may have been spoilt, now that this is the second season as the destination of choice for the average working member of the media with an expense account.

“When we first went, all those months ago, it was an undiscovered resort filled with tourists and the odd retired British Police Officer who everyone wanted to talk to. When we got here we were shocked as it has all changed. Some of the places for the media to stay outside the Police stations are just building sites. Everyone is wearing the same summer suits and brandishing microphones bearing British logos.” lamented Mary. “It's just like a little bit of England in the sun. For example, first thing in the morning you can easily get hold of the British newspaper reporters from the bar. Still we will just have to make what we can out of the situation, now that Big Brother has finished.”

Heather Mills McCartney is dead!

Rumours are circulating via the Internet that estranged wife of Sir Paul McCartney, Heather Mills has actually died and been replaced with a double. The rumours say that recent news reports contain coded messages hinting at the truth. The clues are apparently revealed using acrostic techniques such as selecting every 3rd letter of allegations in The Sun newspaper and reading the Take-a-Break crossword clues backwards.

"As more and more evidence comes to light we are building up a better picture of what really happened to Heather Mills and the true identity of her replacement," said Geraldine Billingsworth who runs the 'Tinfoil Hat' blog. "There is loads of stuff in that interview where she takes her false leg off. If you play it backwards."

Conspiracy theorists say that they have so far determined that Ms Mills was involved in a road accident whilst using the pedestrian crossing in Abbey Road, St Johns Wood, London in the early hours of Wednesday, September 9th 2002. They say that her artificial leg became detached causing her to stumble into the path of a vintage Austin-Healey sports car whose driver had not realised the lights had changed. She was attended to at the scene but was pronounced dead at precisely 5am.

"The clues are all there if you know where to look and apply a little intuition and imagination," said Miss Billingsworth. "It is the only logical explanation as to how such an idyllic marriage of two such wonderful people, one the nicest Beatle, who have brought so much joy and support to the world, could have gone so wrong. It is not Heather Mills at all, but a doppelganger by the name of Billie Shears. "

A spokesman for Sir Paul McCartney said that the former Beatle was keen to clear the air to avoid any further damaging revelations in the media.

"Obviously Sir Paul was traumatised by the death of his beloved Heather. However the couple had also signed lots of contracts for photo shoots and the landmine campaigning was going very well, so we thought ‘lets just use a double again’," explained William Campbell speaking from the McCartney country estate in East Sussex. "It backfired when the model look-a-like realised a divorce would be a good way to get hold of some of that Beatles fortune. I guess we should have expected that this might happen, after all the double got all the money 40 years ago too!"