Secret to hit song “3 times a lady” revealed

Lionel Ritchie today surprised many by finally revealing the meaning of his hit song “3 times a lady” which topped the UK charts in 1978. The song is one of the most speculated about in history, with all sorts of theories about the cryptic lyrics – everything from an attack on then US President Jimmy Carter to the exposure of faked moon landings. However the ballad, says Mr Ritchie, is about the struggles of a trans-sexual friend.

“Charles Billingsworth had always felt more comfortable as Charlotte, but to us was always just Charlie,” said Ritchie. “However back in the 60s there wasn't as much acceptance of her condition as there is now.”

Ms Billingsworth underwent her first sex-change procedure in 1965. However she found it difficult to continue her job as a bricklayer during the construction boom of 60s Las Vegas, whilst also auditioning as a showgirl.

“Charlie had no other trade, apart from some very lowly paid work as a pole-dancer,” said the former member of The Commodores. “But her income dropped dramatically when a law compelling dancers to remain six feet from customers was abolished. She underwent re-constructive surgery, back to male. This was only partially successful as Charlie needed to sit down to pee, and looked less masculine than the female shot-putters that were taking part in the Munich Olympics,” explained Ritchie.

Charlie retrained as a ship's welder to pay her passage to Thailand and raise enough money to have what she thought would be her final gender re-assignment operation.

“She felt so much more accepted out there, with so many lady-boys,” said the singer-songwriter. “She was now twice a lady.”

However, despite acceptance as a trans-sexual by Thai society she was not able to return to either career as an exotic dancer, or as a welder.

“The steel game is a man's world, and although the surgery wasn't bad, Charlie never weighed less than 250 pounds. You know that fan dance? She couldn't afford that many ostrich feathers.”

Forced to have another cheap medical procedure, Charlie thought she would have to spend the rest of her life as a woman trapped in something resembling a man's body.

“There is a limit to how much the body can take and now she looked like she'd been in a truck crash with a cargo of ugly sticks.” explained Ritchie.

Charlie decided to write her life story which later became the hit movie “Flashdance” about a steel-working dancer. The income from the screenplay enabled her to get the life that she really wanted.

“To be honest, Charlie was never happy about the production of the movie, but in a way that mirrored her life,” explained Ritchie. “Both took years to finish and were hacked about from every angle!”

The proceeds from the film enabled her to get the finest surgery available and Charlie Billingsworth was able to finally, on the third attempt, become a lady.

“It is as simple as that, once, twice, three times a lady.” said Mr Ritchie. “Although you could never drop a bucket of water on her like in the movie, her tits would come off."

'Leaning' Tower of Pisa is a fake

Officials in the historic Italian town of Pisa have shocked the world by admitting that their iconic tower is in fact not leaning at all. The revelation was made after queries following the 'Euro-Level 2007' exhibition at the town's convention centre.

“We had the finest spirit level manufacturers from all over the world with stands at the exhibition and many of them simply could not get their stands set-up squarely”, said Pierre Facturations-Valeer a member of a French delegation.

Delegates at the convention reported that those stands with a view of the famous 'leaning' tower were unable to be set level on the convention centre floor. This led to an impromptu survey of the town by delegates and a report to the then mayor of Pisa, Jarno Valore di Fatturazioni.

“We admit it,” said former Mayor Valore di Fatturazioni. “The game is up. We here in Pisa are, how you say, ‘not on the level’!”

The mayor has now admitted that it is the town of Pisa rather than the famous tower that is sloping.

“For centuries we have maintained this horrible secret, but in many ways it is a relief that the truth has come out.” said Signore Valore di Fatturazioni.

The former mayor revealed that a secret religious order, known as 'The Inclinati' have infiltrated the world’s scientific and construction communities to spread their inclinations and ensure that all building works within view of the famous tower are constructed at a 5.5 degree angle. This gives the impression to bystanders that it is in fact the tower that is leaning.

“The tower is absolutely vertical. All of the nearby museum furniture is built, how you say, 'lop-sided'. The museum curators all walk around wearing one platform shoe, so they appear to be standing up straight on its sloping floors.”

Signore Valore di Fatturazioni also revealed that the formerly secret Inclinati were launching a travel company for visitors who wish to “Tour the Leaning Town of Pisa”.

The town council has come under criticism regarding the large amounts of money that has been spent by both the Italian and European authorities to supposedly stabilising a monument that in fact is in no danger at all of falling.

“It is not true that the money has been wasted,” said Valore di Fatturazioni, speaking from the formerly secret headquarters of the Inclinati deep within the Vatican. “All over Pisa are areas of the town built on slopes that have cost huge amounts money. As does the fabulous collection of Ferraris that the Inclinati store beneath them.”

Royal mail adverts insists “it is business as usual”

The Royal Mail today took out a double page advert in the quality papers to help clear up any confusion that customers might have following the recent mail strike.

“Many people have become confused about the service we are offering,” said Sally Billingsworth, a service manager at Royal Mail's Old Street headquarters in London. “We wanted to ensure customers that the service is back to the standards they expect.”

The open letter, signed by the Chief Executive, Adam Crozier, is aimed at ensuring to customers that they can expect to receive the quality of service that has been available since he took charge in 2003, the text of which is reproduced below:

There may be some confusion now that our staff have returned to work following the recent strike:

• Unlike the Victorians you will not be able to get your post before you leave for work


• Unlike 30 years ago you will not be able to post a standard A4 envelope without queuing in a post office.

So, back to business as usual!

Ripper loose in Westminster

Following the most recent high-profile knife attack on an elderly man out innocently running his party, the Metropolitan Police have revealed that they are now searching for a serial attacker after linking a series of recent knife attacks on men in London.

"There have been a series of high-profile knife crimes in recent months and we now feel we have found the evidence needed to link them together," explained Detective Inspector Patrick Billingsworth. "The recent attack on Sir Menzies Campbell is the fourth in a series of attacks on high-profile Scotsman in Westminster.

Friends and relatives of Sir Menzies say that his attacker came from nowhere and distracted him with talk of rallying behind him, it was at this point that Sir Menzies felt the plunge of the dagger into his back.

The manner of the attack is enabling investigators to pinpoint older unsolved woundings and murders that fit the same pattern. It seems the attacks focus on men born in Scotland and living in the London borough of Westminster.

The attacker is believed to have struck many times over the last several years but it was thought he had gone to ground following an attack on a fellow party go-er from Scotland. The victim, after a long lunch, was attempting to make his way unsteadily through a proposal on tax reform when the attacker struck.

"Fortunately I'd had a couple of drinks which enabled me to overcome the shock of having been stabbed in the back and I could seek recovery with a lucrative book deal." said Mr Kennedy.

Police say that a couple of his other victims have only been lightly wounded, such as a Scottish man from Downing Street who suffered a minor injury from the ‘Westminster Ripper’ which led to an embarrassing infirmity and re-assessment of priorities.

"It gave me quite a scare, and did make me consider the whole issue of inheritance," explained Mr Brown from his recuperation in Portugal.

People on the streets of Westminster are concerned not only that the Ripper might strike them but that they could fall victim from copycat crimes.

"The real worry is that all of the victims have been born in Scotland. Let us hope that the Police can catch him before he strikes again. Especially if he becomes confused over Englishmen who simply have Scottish surnames." said local man, David Cameron.

Threat to world vowel population

Today, literary climate experts published a report on the world's native vowel population. The report says that the common vowel is coming under pressure as their natural habitat is being steadily eroded.

“All over the world vowels are becoming harder and harder to find,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, one of the reports authors. “With the spread of modern communications the vowel is coming under increasing pressure. The vowel is quite a sensitive creature and depends on a sophisticated set of conditions for it to flourish, unfortunately these conditions are the victims of our faster paced lifestyles and commerce.”

Experts believe that if current trends are continued the vowel may well be extinct as early as 2020. Globalisation is said to be driving force pushing the vowel towards oblivion.

“As western culture becomes ubiquitous we are finding an increase in global warming towards English, Industrialised English has decimated the vowel population at home and abroad,” said Professor Billingsworth.

The US has come under fire as being the largest single contributor to the destruction of the vowel, with American spellings leading to widespread devastation of previously successful colonies. In addition the vowel is now believed to be on the brink of extinction in instant messaging and SMS text message environments.

“One of the key reasons the US would not ratify the Kyoto Protocol is the extended vowel usage and their belief that technology can produce image based communication. Enforcing vowel quotas is cumbersome and a drag on the US economy,” explained Billingsworth at a press conference at the Jeremy Kyle University.

Scientists say that the future of the vowel may be in captive breading programmes and the successful release of new groups back into the environment. Precipitous coastal escarpments are seeing a veritable vertiginous increase in proclivity towards the water vowel, for example.

“A lot of good work has been done in Wales,” explained Billingsworth. “In fact it has been so successful that there are far more vowels than necessary in any given sentence in Welsh.”

Al Gore to lead obesity campaign

Fresh from his victory at this year's Nobbies in Oslo, where he walked away with the Nobel Prize for Film making, Al Gore says he is now prepared to help the UK government in their battle against obesity that they have likened to the fight against global warming.

“Obesity is a challenge we all face and is something close to my heart,” said the big-boned former vice-president of the United States. “It is a big challenge, and one that is getting bigger all the time. Let's face it, what fatties don't want is an increase in global temperatures, which is another piece of the pie.”

Mr Gore said that he would embark on a lecture tour, sponsored by the new Haagen Dazs offsetting scheme, whereby, for every tub of posh ice cream that you buy, someone in India runs a lap of a forest. He is also planning a new movie on the perils of obesity, entitled 'A Big Fat Fact'. He also revealed that his work with the British government would be a new solo project.

“I feel I have gone as far as I can with my backing group, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change,” he said. “You know how it is, artistic differences. The rest of the group has these pretensions at doing thoughtful work.”

The Peace Prize winner also brushed off criticism from the High Court of being alarmist and using misleading evidence.

“If it is alarmist and incorrect to say that we are all going to die when the whole of Mount Kilimanjaro melts on us, then I don't want to be right.” he said at the Vanity Fair after-ceremony party in Oslo.

The Health Secretary, Alan Johnson, said that Mr Gore's Nobel Prize winning talents of public relations, spectacular computer models and exaggerated claims were exactly the things needed to complement the government's action plan for combating obesity.

“Obesity is a problem that will have an impact on all areas of society, at home and at work,” said Mr Johnson. “We will need stronger sofas, and sturdier office chairs. Mr Gore's Oscar-winning talents will be able to connect with obese people right where it matters; sitting in the cinema, behind a jumbo bag of popcorn.”

Anti-Environmentalist 'Brown Life' campaign gathers strength

Anti-environmentalism is a new reactionary movement whose followers believe that the green lobby is distorting the current scientific evidence regarding Climate Change. The movement is gathering strength from those who feel angered by overt environmentalism.

"Frankly it all disgusts me," said Frank Billingsworth, a retired army Major from Surrey. "All these tree-huggers telling us what we can and cannot do. It's not right. It's a free country and I am free to be an anti-environmentalist."

Mr Billingsworth said that as a reaction to the green movement he is now actively taking steps to use more energy and increase his level of pollution.

"You know, it is the little things that count. Nowadays I don't leave my TV on standby when I am not watching it. Now I just leave it on. Especially overnight. I turn it up loud, turn the brightness right up and just stick ear plugs in."

Mr Billingsworth said that it was becoming increasingly difficult to lead a "brown" lifestyle as technology improves and our lives become naturally more energy efficient.

"When I hear friends talk about their carbon offsetting, it makes me pleased." said former Major Billingsworth. "It means that when I go home and put both the air-conditioning and the heating on I am undoing all their good work."

Perhaps surprisingly Frank's wife Elsie drives a Toyota Prius hybrid car, but is still keen to help her husband's cause.

"We co-ordinate our journeys in terms of their environmental impact," said Mrs Billingsworth. "Frank uses the Land Rover only to go to the supermarket to buy in-organic veg and veal cutlets that have been flown in overnight from New Zealand, whereas I only use the Prius for long motorway journeys. It takes longer to get to my sister's in Edinburgh, but I refuse to get out of second gear or take the handbrake off. Of course if I was going a shorter distance, say to visit my children who live near Gatwick I would just drive to Manchester and fly back down."

Whilst many people argue that even if you don't believe any of the Climate Change evidence it still makes common sense to be energy efficient and cut down on pollution, Frank disagrees.

"God gave us dominion over the Earth and all the beasts of His Kingdom," said the Major. "So it is no business of any do-gooder how much sulphur there is in the tyres that I use to barbecue my Tiger Steaks in winter. Sure it would be nice if the trees were still alive in my garden, but the palls of black smoke are a price worth paying for our principles."

Google's gPhone: in-conversation adverts in exchange for free calls.

Details are being released of the long expected move by Google into the consumer electronics market with the highly anticipated gPhone. Initial specifications reveal that the phone will be coupled with Google's industry leading technology in the provision of targeted advertising and placing context sensitive adverts directly into a conversation in the form of audible 'calls to action' in exchange for free voice calls.

“Having had a chance to play with a prototype I think it is clear what Google's intentions are but by using their web technology they risk transferring existing problems across to the new platform,” said technology pundit Mr Bloggy.

Below is a sample transcript from a test conversation on the gPhone prototype and the manner of Google's interactive advertising.

Mr Bloggy :- “Hi, Sally it's me!”

Sally : “Hi love, where are you?”

Mr Bloggy : “I am on the train, just going past Denmark Hill”

Automated Voice : “Ads by Google : Press 1 for cheap flights to Europe”

Sally : “You are on a plane, I thought we were going for an Indian tonight?”

Mr Bloggy : “No, that was the new phone. I am in South East London! Just a couple more stops then home, I am starving!”

Automated voice : “Public Service Ads by Google : Press 1 to help the millions of children who will go hungry today.”

Sally : “We don't have to go mad I suppose. I guess it is a bit of a luxury.”

Mr Bloggy : “Don't be silly! It's this phone I am testing, it's a right pain in the arse.”

Automated voice : “Ads by Google : Press 1 for cheap haemorrhoid cream”

Mr Bloggy : “Oh my God, I don't believe this!”

Automated voice : “Ads by Google : Did Jesus exist? Press 1 to find out!”

Sally : “That phone really does sound like a load of crap”

Automated Voice : “Ads by Google: Press 1 to press the fart button. You know you want to.”

The gPhone has experienced delays due to the complexity of performing contextual analysis of billions of text messages and free text messaging is a feature many analysts feel will be missing from the initial versions of the phone.

“Google has experience of search in over 150 languages including those that use non-Latin alphabets,” said Mr Bloggy. “But they have struggled to make any sense at all of text messages sent by teenagers.”

Three years later, and The Onion brings us the Video version of this technology story:-


New Google Phone Service Whispers Targeted Ads Directly Into Users' Ears

ITV announce new “ITV1 – 1” channel

Following the success of channels such as 'Channel4+1', which show a conventional channel's programme stream delayed by one hour, ITV has planned an innovative service of its own.

“We realise that viewers want increased choice and flexibility from their broadcasters, so we plan to introduce a new service enabling our viewers to miss our programmes more easily,” explained Gerald Billingsworth, head of Light Entertainment at Granada. “Unlike Channel 4 which has provocative and innovative programmes, compared to our cheap derivative offerings. We will be introducing 'ITV1 -1' so that viewers can tune in at the scheduled time and have the wonderful surprise of having missed the programme that was broadcast an hour ago.”

ITV is working closely with its broadcast partners Virgin Media and Sky to integrate sophisticated programme skipping functionality into their respective V+ and Sky + personal video recorders.

“We have talked to the ITV viewer and they have spoken loudly and clearly, they want a 'Record nothing like this' option,” explained Billingsworth. “The boxes will also offer a 'calm' option whereby the user can choose to have inadvertent recordings of our schedule replaced by pictures of a waterfall and whale music.”

However it is the expanded channel range that is really exciting the mandarins at ITV. If 'minus one' proves to be a success then they are preparing for the launch of 'ITV1+8' as a real breakthrough in the '+1' channel format.

“This would give the people of Great Britain the chance to completely miss the latest prime-time vehicles for Ant & Dec,” said Mr Billingsworth. “On 'plus eight' programmes such as 'Britain's got talent','X Factor' and the like can safely be shown in the small hours of the morning meaning no one need suffer.”

Daily Express news article template leaked

There are red faces in Lower Thames Street today after the template for Daily Express news articles was leaked onto the internet from an unknown source. An internal investigation is believed to be under way and focussing on any journalist who has shown any pride in their work or expressed any fondness for traditions of good journalism.

The template (front page shown - click for larger image) contains not only the format but also suggested text as well as placement of adverts. Directions to the editorial staff are shown in square brackets ([ ]) and include references to holidays, further content and legal considerations.

“The template is believed to have been in use for sometime and was last updated this summer,” explained Costa Billingsworth, 17, Chief Media Analyst at consultancy Tornado Snail. “Given that the Express has an editorial policy review every 50 years or so we can expect more stories using this template for some time to come.”

Bible available by Txt Msg

Today a new range of Biblical products can be downloaded to customer’s mobile phones. A British company is leading the way in providing services to Christians that they feel are under-represented in the market.

"It is a good move and about time too," commented Diane Billingsworth, professor of Social Theology at the Jeremy Kyle University. "The mobile phone market is currently used for all sorts of sinful activities, from gambling to pornography. So it is good that young Christians can get their hands on the Good News. They can now take Jesus into their hearts in the dark under the bedclothes."

The company has said that they have had to adjust the presentation of the Biblical teachings to match the capabilities of as many phones as possible and also to appeal to the teenage market. Hence these products also represent the latest incarnation of the Bible, this time into "text speak" a sample of which is included below from Genesis, or Gnsis: -

1. n d beginN God creatD d heavNz & d erth.
2. nw d erth wz formless & Mt, drknez wz Ovr d surfAc of d dEp, & d Spirit of God wz
   hovRN Ovr d H2Oz.
3. & God sed, "lt ther b lite," & ther wz lite.
4. God saw dat d lite wz gud, & He separated d lite frm d drknez.
5. God caLd d lite "dA," & d drknez he caLd "nyt." & ther wz evNg, & ther wz
   morning—the 1st dA.
6. & God sed, "lt ther b an expanse Btwen d H2Oz 2 separate H2O frm H2O."
7. So God mAd d expanse & separated d H2O undR d expanse frm d H2O abof it. & it wz so.
8. God caLd d expanse "sky." & ther wz evNg, & ther wz morning—the 2nd dA.
9. & God sed, "lt d H2O undR d sky b gathRD 2 1 plAc, & lt dry ground apEr." & it wz so.
10. God caLd d dry ground "land," & d gathRD H2Oz he caLd "seas." & God saw dat it wz gud

Purists would argue that the message of the Bible should not be trivialised into the modern vernacular of text messages and warn against misinterpretation and mistranslation into what is a notoriously cumbersome form of communication, However Mrs Billingsworth is not concerned.

"I think a text message Bible will be as understandable as any other kind," she said. "Yes text messages can be misinterpreted, but then the Good Book is being continuously re-interpreted all over the world to satisfy the needs of those reading it. You never know if there is mistranslation it might cancel out the ones already in the English version!"

Mrs Billingsworth said that whilst the likely market for such products was uncertain within the increasingly secular UK and whether or not teenagers would find Christian products cool, any company trading in such religious goods was uniquely placed to raise capital.

"As it says in Genesis 19:8," explains Mrs Billingsworth. "Should the business fail and the creditors come calling they can always offer sex with their daughters as payment."

Outbreak of “Bluetongue” in 10 Downing Street

The Prime Minister has confirmed rumours of another outbreak of the disease Bluetongue, this time within central London and believed to be the centred on Whitehall.

“There has been a number of instances that have been identified in the press as being cases of Bluetongue,” said Gordon Brown from within the exclusion zone within Downing Street. “Jack Straw's most recent announcement regarding so called 'Have a go heroes' is the latest such policy outbreak.”

The government has come under fire for not protecting the country from this deadly contagion, a disease that can lead to a foaming of the mouth and cause the afflicted to produce large amounts of bile and venom. This can manifest itself as a 'Blue Rage' targeted at the weaker members of societal groups, such as those from different cultural backgrounds.

“The last big outbreak was in the '80s when most of the country was afflicted by a virulent outbreak of Bluetongue that originated in the town of Grantham and spread nationwide via Downing Street and Westminster,” said historian Gerald Billingsworth. “Those most at risk were the weaker and poorer areas of society, such as the mining and manufacturing communities.”

It had been thought that not only had the disease been eradicated from Britain but that the scenes of widespread devastation caused by the rampages across the land of those most severely afflicted had inoculated the country against future infections.

“The lessons learnt from the last outbreak seemed to have prevented any further cases over the last decade,” explained Mr Billingsworth. “After a great deal of pain the country was finally able to be rid of the scourge of Bluetongue when the carriers failed with a policy of inert 'Back to Basics' treatment that ended up with them succumbing to a series of foot 'n mouth outbreaks. The papers of the time often carried distressing pictures of the sufferers, and their secretaries, on their backs with their legs in the air.”

The government has denied that this most recent outbreak occurred when a Bluetongue carrier, thought to be a disease ridden old cow, was recently taken to lunch at Downing Street.

Dolphins suffer from PMT too

Marine Biologists at the world famous Ben Nevis Sea Life Centre have announced startling new research that indicates that dolphins suffer from Pre-Menstrual Tension just as much as humans.

"We have analysed the behaviour of marine mammals including our dolphins for some time, however the breakthrough came with translation of their complicated clicks and whistles," explained Dr Phillippa Billingsworth at the launch of the study, entitled 'I'm Tense and Porpoise'.

The study found that the intelligent marine mammals exhibited heightened tension and irritability that was synchronised to the phases of the moon. The dolphins would often informally segregate by sex and their communications reveal the tensions within the pod.

"All of the members of the pod suffer from PMT, the males as much as the females as it seems they cop the fallout," explained Dr Billingsworth. "Just like with humans."

The transcripts of the dolphin's underwater exchanges hint at this tension and the steps to which the male dolphins are sympathetic but confused by the behaviour of their mates. In one exchange a male dolphin appears to lament to another that "I have no idea, I simply made an encouraging whistle at the young female who was practising her leaps this morning and the missus starts clicking on about how her mother warned about me before we were caught."

In another exchange one of the males is concerned that his mate may be suffering from some sort of mental problem, he says, "She is going nuts mate. She was whistling like a mad thing during feeding this morning. I tried to explain that the reason we spend Christmas with my family is that we were all captured together and hers are still free. She just said that the killer whale in the other tank would be able to jump the sea gate and then she swam off to get her flippers waxed."

"It seems the males are at a loss as to how to react to the females, so when they sense the onset of PMT they try to keep out of their way," said Phillippa. "In one exchange a harassed male says to another member of the pod 'Quick, lets get down to the shallow end and look busy, otherwise the missus will have me jumping through hoops all afternoon.'"

Madeleine's child saving account found at Northern Rock

An exclusive story in today's Daily Express and The Mirror newspapers has revealed speculation of the shocking details of Madeleine McCann's savings which have finally been located in an account with troubled bank, Northern Rock.

The Daily Mail and Daily Star, which also exclusively carrying the story, agree that unnamed sources indicate the money, deposited by her parents, is held in a Select 120 account.

“It is a great relief to all of us in the media that this account has been found,” said Business Journalist Preston Billingsworth, whose exclusive opinion piece appears in both The Sun and The Times. “We know that the British public were as confused as us journalists about the current turmoil in financial markets. My colleagues are now relieved to be able to get back to speculating about the McCann's and missing Madeleine.”

Experts are said to be relieved that the turmoil in financial journalism has been overcome without any major loss of circulation, indeed a select few have managed to increase sales and viewing numbers by astute investment in sensational headlines.

“We whipped the public up into an almost self-fulfilling prophecy over Northern Rock, which I think was important since most of us did not understand anything that we were reporting about but a queue outside a branch speaks for itself,” explained Mr Billingsworth speaking exclusively to BBC News 24 and Sky News. “However now we can dovetail two excellent and heart-rending stories: the panic that Northern Rock savers have suffered and the fact that the McCann's would clearly be unable to join any such queue without being besieged by the press asking if they had murdered the financial system by burying her savings.”

Tomorrow all newspapers will exclusively reveal new speculation that residue from the seal of a Northern Rock automatic deposit envelope was found in the McCann's hire car 25 days after she went missing – which is 120 days from today and sources indicate that this is directly related to the notice period on her account.

Pope's message played backwards reveals “confessional song lyrics”

Scientist's at the Jeremy Kyle Institute for behavioural research have published startling findings into analysis of Pope Benedict XVI’s Easter blessing. The traditional papal message, given from the balcony of St Peter's Basilica in the Vatican was broadcast to over a hundred countries and an estimated 4 billion people. Researchers have found what they believe are secret messages encoded in the blessing using the technique known as ‘backmasking’. This technique is said to be the intentional placement of messages that can only be revealed by playing the recording backwards and sometimes at a different speed.

"Normally the techinque is used by rock bands to plant satanic messages, but it seems the Vatican are getting in on the act," said controversial behavioural scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth who led the research team."Once we identified that the recording needed to be slowed to seven-eighths of its original speed and have a quarter second echo added the messages became clear,"

"So far we have found dozens of references to song lyrics, from the Beatles to The Platters and Pink Floyd, to name but a few. " explained the Professor. "The phrase 'Worship the Lord for He said I am the Walrus' is mentioned several times as is 'Money, that's all we want'.

The researchers say that Pope Benedict may be using the hidden messages as a form of confession and an opportunity for the Church of Rome to divest itself of its sins.

"At one point the message 'Oh yes, I'm the great pretender' is followed by 'Hey Preacher, leave them kids alone', said Professor Billingsworth. 'There is a short gap and then 'Nothing is Real' can clearly be heard as though in a tortured scream."

To highlight the level of complexity, the researchers believe that the Pope makes reference to the supposed death of McCartney, itself said to be revealed by backmasked messages.

"Perhaps Pope Benedict is trying to tell us that what we believe about the celebration of other mythical deaths is also a hoax," said Billingsworth. "At several points he clearly says 'Turn me on dead man' a key phrase from the backmasked song 'Revolution 9' and clearly referring to the myths of the death of Christ."



The most startling revelation appears in the final section of the reversed recording (the start when played forwards).

"It is the most elaborate as it resembles a Gregorian chant, and the former Cardinal Ratzenberger uses it to extol "I am the Hitler Youth, join any group to advance".

The research team is moving on to other recordings from religious leaders but says that the ones from Islamic preachers are much more straightforward.

"Most of them sound the same backwards as they do forwards," said Professor Billingsworth. "They are just composed of an endless loop screaming 'Kill all the infidel'."

Football chiefs plan new remembrance packages

Marketing executives from Premier League and Championship football clubs are finalising plans to launch new remembrance packages for those families that suffer the tragedy of losing a young member. An inside source said that the clubs are keen to maximise their exposure in all markets and that tragic events that get worldwide news coverage are a rich source of exposure for both club merchandise and shirt sponsors.

“Football is trying to modernise, to increase its appeal with the media and with families and, like many sports, is keen to ensure it gets maximum exposure for its brand and the logo of its sponsors,” said a source close to one club. “Traditionally a few lucky families have been able to bask in the reflected glow as their child is led out with the teams as a mascot. Whilst clubs can now charge several hundred pounds a time for the honour, the number of children that can be accommodated per game is obviously limited.”

Recently there has been an increase in the sensationalist media coverage of the tragic deaths of children, many of whom come from football loving families, and it is this that has led clubs to try to ensure that families' wishes are able to be catered for.

“There can't be many children in the country who have not been photographed in a replica football shirt, available from all good club shops along with a wide range of other merchandise,” said the source. “As soon as the papers print these pictures football feels it has to respond. However there may come a time when the numbers of families involved simply cannot be accommodated.”

The clubs are working with actuaries to provide debentures for families who wish to have their child remembered just before kick-off with more expensive packages offering a selection of players available to make public announcements or attend funeral services. No decision has been made about the inevitable request for players to be pall bearers, although it is said to be “pricey”.

“It is obviously a sensitive area, and one that the clubs are treading carefully on. However players taking time out from training is not something that is easy to arrange. Neither is finding three or four who will not be hungover, to act as pall bearers.” said the source. “However a great many parents want their children remembered in the aggressive and alcohol fuelled thoughts of thousands of football fans awaiting the latest episode of foul-mouthed and disrespectful deceit that takes place on the pitch.”

Shopping Mall provides warning lights for customers

Management at the huge Bluewater centre in Kent today unveiled a new system of personal warning lights for shoppers that the mall management hopes will aid safety and enjoyment whilst shopping.

"We are constantly striving to improve the experience here at Bluewater and we think that this innovation will help our customers get the most out of the time, and money, they spend here," said Anita Billingsworth, Head of Concierge services.

The new devices are a series of clip on warning lights that mimic the behaviour of the indicator and brake lights on motor vehicles.

"Every year we survey our customers and one of the most consistent findings is the frustration at having someone stop quickly or veer into your path as you are walking either around the complex itself or in any of the individual shops," explained Ms Billingsworth. "We have spent the last year working with experimental Formula One derived technology for g-force triggered lighting and are pleased with the progress so far."

The new lights contain sensitive switches that respond to external forces that the shopper creates by their movement and can therefore activate red lights should they stop suddenly or the relevant orange indicator when they change direction.

"We think that this is something shoppers have a need for, and also something that, at busy times such as Christmas, should provide a spectacular light display from thousands of wearers across the aisles and walkways," said Anita. "For those sensitive to such lights, we will also be supplying sunglasses and have extra medical cover for any epileptic episodes "

The shopping centre management said that reports of failures in both the lights and the battery systems were just initial teething troubles with the first generation of lights.

"The early prototypes did suffer from some problems. We found that groups of two or more mothers with pushchairs would drain the batteries in only a few minutes with the frequent instant stops in shop doorways – even when we tried a pushchair-mounted car battery," explained Ms Billingsworth. "We have now moved to a self generating version that uses the rapid and random changes in direction of your average shopper to power the lights. These work much more reliably, although groups of women chatting have been known to blow the bulbs."

World's heaviest bulimia sufferer dies

Friends and family were today mourning the death of Tracey Billingsworth, who died yesterday at the age of 38. Tracey, from Thurrock in Essex, held the title of the World's largest sufferer of bulimia - an eating disorder whereby the suffer causes themselves to vomit.

"She was such a big person, in every way,” said her mother, Sharon. “She suffered terribly with her eating disorder, but she never let it get her down, or stop her doing what she wanted to do. She would just bounce from one episode to the next.”

Tracey had suffered from weight problems since she was a small girl. Indeed her Weight Watcher's journal from the last two decades reveal how her weight had yo-yo-ed from a maximum of just under 24 stone to a low of over 22 stone. After many years of struggle she was diagnosed as bulimic by the Upstairs School of Homoeopathic Remedies - above the dance studio in Basildon town centre. Traditionally bulimia is associated with people who are underweight, however in Tracey's case the frequent and regular periods of vomiting were exacerbated by other conditions.

"She had always struggled with her weight, since she became big-boned as a child. When Princess Diana discovered bulimia, Tracey just knew that was the condition for her,” said her tearful mum. “The people at the Homoeopathy School were amazed that someone who threw up as much as she did could be so large, but she had such a big frame and such a desire for life that if a bout of bulimia did strike her it would not prevent her from rejoining her friends in the pub and carrying on as though nothing had happened.”

Mrs Billingsworth said the hardest part would probably be quiet Sunday shopping trips, where Tracey's ebullient personality would be sorely missed.

“Everyone loved her, she used to charm the young lads who worked at Krispie Kreme, where she was such a regular customer. She would often get an extra half dozen free.” said Sharon. “Sunday's won't be the same without the sound of her crashing into the downstairs loo and those sad sounds of her condition. She always had a smile for us and never let it get the family down. No matter how bad it would be she would be home in time for Sunday lunch and always wanted extra helpings of my trifle.”

Indeed, it was the muffled sounds of her condition that would often signal the heart-breaking end to a fun-filled night out .

“We would go out to Bingo of a Wednesday night and have fifteen or twenty Bacardi Breezers and a Kebab or two and often, even before we got home, Tracey's bulimia would flare up in the back of the Taxi.”

Late surge in British news media holiday bookings for the Algarve

There has been a late surge in bookings by Britons seeking to extend their summer. Planes filled with ordinary working people from the BBC, Sky News and the nation's tabloid newspapers have headed off to try and grab a few extra days of sun-soaked reporting in Portugal.

“The last chance I had for a break in the sun was in May. We stayed for as long as we could afford, but we are just normal journalists, and we had to go back to the day job - writing about celebrity drug problems and David Cameron's hair,” said Mary Billingsworth of Sky News.

Increasingly as their standard of living increases many Britons are now able to enjoy two or more foreign breaks a year.

“We are very pleased that we have reached a position where we can go out to the Algarve again and extend the summer,” said Ms Billingsworth. “There were so many people that we talked to, for hours, that we hoped would become interesting and we are quite happy to interview again. And again.”

Like holidaymakers the world over, people form holiday friendships that don't last any longer than retrieving their luggage on the carousel at Gatwick.

“There was one couple in particular that nearly all of us spent a huge amount of time with,” explained Mary. “We took hundreds of photos of them and are trying as hard as possible to get in touch as everyone on the plane kept saying that they would soon be going away for a long time.”

The holidaymakers are concerned that their idyll in the sun may have been spoilt, now that this is the second season as the destination of choice for the average working member of the media with an expense account.

“When we first went, all those months ago, it was an undiscovered resort filled with tourists and the odd retired British Police Officer who everyone wanted to talk to. When we got here we were shocked as it has all changed. Some of the places for the media to stay outside the Police stations are just building sites. Everyone is wearing the same summer suits and brandishing microphones bearing British logos.” lamented Mary. “It's just like a little bit of England in the sun. For example, first thing in the morning you can easily get hold of the British newspaper reporters from the bar. Still we will just have to make what we can out of the situation, now that Big Brother has finished.”

Heather Mills McCartney is dead!

Rumours are circulating via the Internet that estranged wife of Sir Paul McCartney, Heather Mills has actually died and been replaced with a double. The rumours say that recent news reports contain coded messages hinting at the truth. The clues are apparently revealed using acrostic techniques such as selecting every 3rd letter of allegations in The Sun newspaper and reading the Take-a-Break crossword clues backwards.

"As more and more evidence comes to light we are building up a better picture of what really happened to Heather Mills and the true identity of her replacement," said Geraldine Billingsworth who runs the 'Tinfoil Hat' blog. "There is loads of stuff in that interview where she takes her false leg off. If you play it backwards."

Conspiracy theorists say that they have so far determined that Ms Mills was involved in a road accident whilst using the pedestrian crossing in Abbey Road, St Johns Wood, London in the early hours of Wednesday, September 9th 2002. They say that her artificial leg became detached causing her to stumble into the path of a vintage Austin-Healey sports car whose driver had not realised the lights had changed. She was attended to at the scene but was pronounced dead at precisely 5am.

"The clues are all there if you know where to look and apply a little intuition and imagination," said Miss Billingsworth. "It is the only logical explanation as to how such an idyllic marriage of two such wonderful people, one the nicest Beatle, who have brought so much joy and support to the world, could have gone so wrong. It is not Heather Mills at all, but a doppelganger by the name of Billie Shears. "

A spokesman for Sir Paul McCartney said that the former Beatle was keen to clear the air to avoid any further damaging revelations in the media.

"Obviously Sir Paul was traumatised by the death of his beloved Heather. However the couple had also signed lots of contracts for photo shoots and the landmine campaigning was going very well, so we thought ‘lets just use a double again’," explained William Campbell speaking from the McCartney country estate in East Sussex. "It backfired when the model look-a-like realised a divorce would be a good way to get hold of some of that Beatles fortune. I guess we should have expected that this might happen, after all the double got all the money 40 years ago too!"

The tenth anniversary of the tragic death of a controversial figure

Today, to mark the tenth anniversary of the tragic deaths of 31st August 1997, a series of commemorative events will be held across the world as people from all walks of life remember a lonely figure, chased by paparazzi in the seconds before death.

One of the key events will be a candlelit vigil at the Pont d’Alma tunnel in Paris, the site of the car accident that claimed the life of someone who in death has become even more famous and controversial than in life.

In Paris and London special services will be held to mark the passing of Henri Paul. Mr. Paul, whose death sparked an extended period of mourning in Britain, in France and around the world will be remembered in a special tribute by his employer at the time, Mohammed Al-Fayed.

Mr Al-Fayed, who has maintained over the years since Henri Paul’s death, that his chauffer was killed by a secret service plot sponsored by the Duke of Edinburgh, will be determined to lead the high profile media events marking the anniversary.

Mourners are expected to converge from all over the world on various sites of deep relevance at this time, such as the bar in the Paris Ritz where Henri Paul spent the last few hours of his life before being unexpectedly pressed into action on that fateful evening.

"Without Henri Paul and his actions that fateful night in Paris, I would not be able to come here, to Kensington Palace, to lay flowers, or make my pilgrimage to the memorial in Harrods or Hyde Park," said Hillary Billingsworth of Newton Abbott. "I never met Mr. Paul, but I could tell from his smile on that security video that he really was the people's chauffeur."

A wide range of memorabilia is available for those wishing to commemorate the death of such an historic figure. These include Ritz branded shot glasses bearing the chauffeur's signature, and a children’s Mercedes “stunt car” set complete with pose-able action figures.

The Daily Express is to mark the anniversary with a special edition filled with extensive allegations, rumours and innuendo detailing the conspiracy surrounding those fateful events on that tragic night, the life of Henri Paul and the establishment cover-up of his death that continues on both sides of the English Channel. Included will be a special colour supplement containing hundreds of paparazzi photos from the life of Mr. Paul and his celebrity acquaintances, including royalty and famous heirs.

Also on this day in 1997 the deaths of Dodi Al-Fayed and Diana, Princess of Wales are remembered.

Inmates complain of poor Prison Service

The effects of the lightening strike called yesterday by the Prison Officers’ Association has tainted the image of the Prison Service with the strike's effect on many of its most loyal customers.

“It really wasn’t what I had come to expect from the Prison Service,” said Tony ‘The Spanner’, a regular resident who has had several stays at Her Majesty’s pleasure over the last two decades.

“When I arranged my stay, by assaulting and robbing a shopkeeper, I expected that I would be catered for by experienced and professional staff,” said Tony. “However today, with this strike action, the Prison Service has been shocking.”

Governors had a skeleton staff and instituted lockdown procedures. At HMP Walton in Liverpool, where Tony is currently staying, this meant that not only were prisoners restricted to their cells but lost other privileges.

“I expected my lunch to be around one o’clock with the rest of the lads,” said Tony. “You can imagine my annoyance at having to wait until three in the afternoon, and then to be offered only a cold sandwich. It’s a disgusting way to treat people, like something out of a Russian Gulag. Or Butlins.”

Tony said that he was not the only one to lose out on what they had become accustomed to receiving in Britain’s hard pressed prison service.

“Gerry ‘The Nail’ is convinced he has lost his place in the XBox rota. He said that someone is bound to overwrite his saved position on ‘Gears of War’,” explained the exasperated criminal. “For me, it was just such a lovely day that I wanted to take advantage of a tour of the historic yard here at Walton but couldn‘t without supervision. That’s the Nanny State for you.”

‘The Spanner’ said that his experience of today’s Prison Service might re-evaluate his future choices of where and when he stays.

“Well you know, there are certain expectations and, well, they aren’t being met. Still I am not a bitter man and I will document my feelings and communicate them as it traditional,” he said before his phone card ran out. “I will smear my own faeces on the wall of my cell and set fire to my mattress.”

Scientists disappointed by reaction to latest planetary discovery.

It has been revealed that the astronomical community has become dismayed at the level of coverage it is receiving in the mainstream media and highlights the dearth of coverage surrounding the latest breakthroughs in imaging the planet Uranus.

“Frankly we expected at least the Daily Star and The Sun to lead with some sort of pun regarding 'Rings around Uranus'” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “Really it was quite disappointing. We made the discoveries in January, but held the announcement over to the quiet summer 'Silly Season' especially for the tabloids, but there wasn't even a mention.”

Scientists have long claimed that media interest in their progress focusses on their torturing of small defenceless animals, or perhaps Frankensteinian references to the latest batch of killer tomatoes rampaging across our countryside.

“Really, that is all we get nowadays. We have eradicated terrible diseases, extended life expectancy, brought the universe into our living rooms and enabled distant travel and communication to the common man,” said the Professor. “But know one cares. No one even giggles when we mention that 'fans will be able to see a marvellous full moon during the Rugby', or when we notify the amateur astronomer that they can use their telescopes at home to view 'a heavenly body such as Venus and her impressive globes'.”

Astronomers have employed marketing gurus and comedians expert in the use of the 'double entendre' to make their announcements as enticing as possible, but the media seems resolutely disinterested.

“We recently renamed a whole Nebula after a leading female pop star so that we could make capital out of the celestial features within, which was partly successful,” explained Professor Billingsworth. “The mainstream media ignored us as usual, but the Internet search engines went crazy for our images of Beyonce's Black Hole.”

“Fit and Fat” campaign launched

Campaigners who are fed up with what they say is constant negative stereo-typing of the overweight have launched a new on-line campaign to publicise their claim that being a 'person of size' and physically active are not mutually exclusive.

"For too long people of size have been told by the conspiracy of so-called 'Doctors', 'fitness instructors' and the paramedics and firemen - that assist us when we pass out in shopping centres or get stuck in escalators - that our weight is a problem," said Michaela Billingsworth. "That is why we have launched 'Fit and Fat’ to spread the truth, that we don’t all have to be Lance Armstrong. People of size are as fit as they need to be."

The campaign is based around a YouTube channel were members can share their success stories through video diaries and give each other training and diet tips.

"We are leveraging the power of the Internet to help the 'FAF' community fight back against all those groups that have it in for us." explained Miss Billingsworth. "Without it most of our members would not be able to meet, on account of them being unable to fit into the deliberately small cars that are designed to keep us from spreading the truth."

Miss Billingsworth said the campaign had started via YouTube as it enabled members to overcome their computer access challenges.

"Computer manufacturers don't consider people of size when they make small fiddly keyboards which our fingers are too large for," she said. "Furniture manufacturers are also against us, since it is a stretch to reach the keyboard at all being jammed into small chairs. This way I can just yell into my webcam."


FAFers have posted videos explaining how they would be deemed by society to be obese but can in fact conduct normal lives as good as anyone.

"I defy any so-called thin person to come cycling with me," said one poster under the name JigglyJim. "I can cycle at least 2 miles to my local donut shop easily, as long as I take the flat route around the hill. In fact I have worn out several bikes through all my cycling which just shows another part of the conspiracy against people of size. Bike manufacturers should make frames and seat posts as strong as the gears – which never seem to wear out."

Another poster said it was possible to have a healthy diet despite the pressures of our modern fast paced lifestyles and gave a selection of tips that he said enabled him to get fit enough to use a normal toilet unaided.

"All of us have to use elevators, since it takes too long to walk up the stairs in modern office buildings, what with having to have a shower afterwards," explained BigBoner69. "For lunch I always get the 100% beef burger. However you need to balance that up with some fat and carbohydrates such as with a McFlurry. Or three." However he warned against dangers of over exertion. "Remember it is best practice to drive to your local KFC. You shouldn't do heavy physical exercise, such as a person of size walking, after eating a large meal."

Miss Billingsworth said that the media portrayed ridiculous stereotypes that people could not live up to, especially targeting businesswomen who might be vulnerable about their body shape.

"Why do adverts always show women in sleek business suits holding doors open for their male colleagues? You don't need to be able to reach the handle if they are automatic and sweat pants are so much more absorbent"

The YouTube channel is growing in popularity with new videos added daily, only some of which are obituaries. A popular area is that of the advice to "big boned" people to make sure they get the help to which they feel entitled.

"People of size often suffer from problems with their feet," says BigBoner69 in another video. "So make sure you ask the advice of the trained shoe shop assistants as to whether or not you have any slippers on."

Apple announces the “all new” iGimmick

Chief Executive Steve Jobs today announced the latest in Apple's range of consumer products. The product itself has typically been shrouded in some secrecy, although industry watchers had been following rumours circulating on the internet that company executives have found it difficult to cope after the climax of their iPhone hype.

“Our company, with its proud track record of producing the technological equivalent of old wine in new bottles, can now reveal the latest in technological marketing,” said Mr Jobs. “With our latest product we hope to push the envelope of gadget hype with the iGimmick and prove the strength of the Apple brand.”

Technology analysts today praised the innovation from Apple saying it was the natural evolution for the brand experience in long gestation, high desirability products such as the iPod, the iPhone and the much heralded Apple TV. Marketing analysts said it was pure genius of the company, to make the announcement when the product was only a name.

“Apple has always been at the forefront of promising to repackage existing ideas by announcing them early and then cherry picking the features of those that are quicker to market,” said technology blogger Mr Bloggy. “The timing is perfect since I have got my iPhone being shipped to me, so I need something else to camp out on the pavement for. Just talking to you now makes me want one, and no-one even knows what the product does! In fact I can feel myself developing a need that only the iGimmick will be able to satisfy.”

“We want our assure loyal customers, who perhaps could not see the inevitable arrival of our iPod Nano and so may have an iPod and iPod Mini gathering dust now that they have their iPhone, that the iGimmick will take years to get to market and be available in sufficiently small numbers so as to make sleeping on a cold street for three days seem worth it,” explained Mr Jobs during a press conference after this announcement. “The iGimmick will also continue that great tradition of the Apple brand, it will cost at least $100 more than our competitors' similar products, whatever they may turn out to be. However early adopters can rest assured that we know what you want - which is anything with the Apple logo on it.”

Apples denied rumours it was working with the Meteorological Office in each of its launch markets to select a suitably rainy launch date for the iGimmick.

Racist “overwhelmed by all the alternatives”

A long serving member of the British National Party has declared that he is now confused as to the plethora of choices on offer for his hate and how the changes in society mean that he isn't sure who is 'like us' and who isn't.

“When I was growing up, in the 1920s and 30s, it was fairly straightforward,” said Archie Billingsworth, 86. “I worry about the younger members as nowadays it is much more confusing as to who are the acceptable immigrants. I am too old to hate everyone.”

The pre-war years saw Britain as a nearly homogeneous society. The slums, tenements and desperate working conditions in factories were endured by the same ethnicity that was exploiting them. The prisons full of home grown murderers and rapists.

“There was only the Irish to hate,” he said. “We just had to make do with that and you had to be a lot more creative with your discrimination since they, by and large, are just like us.”

Archie said that later, with the influx of immigrants from the Caribbean, lured by the full employment era and the plethora of jobs in London Transport in particular he was able to easily expand his outlook towards new cultures.

“Well you know, it was a bit easier back then Obviously I would still not stay at a B&B that didn't have a 'No Irish' sign outside, but it was also easy to see of if they would let coloureds in,” he said. “You would think it would be easier nowadays, what with foreigners of all colours and creeds being here but it is quite complicated knowing where to focus my irrational feelings.”

Mr Billingsworth, like many of his generation, was startled to discover that not all sections of the Asian community like each other.

“Well, you don't know where you stand do you? Apparently some are from India, some Pakistan – they all look the same to me – but if they hate each other, well I don't know if I like that, some might have the same feelings towards each other as I do. That just isn't right.” said Archie.

He said he felt let down by the BNP leadership who unlike the nationalistic parties of the past were not being descriptive enough with dreaming up new problems.

“I have been a follower since I was old enough to join, from the British Union of Fascists, through the National Front, all the way to today's BNP. The thing is I need guidance from the BNP leadership otherwise how do I know which type of Asian to make assumptions about? Does all their food smell? Which ones cook in open fires on the floor of their council houses? By and large they keep themselves to themselves, so if the BNP don't publicise these stories how will I be disgusted?”

Archie says that he has not given up on the leadership of the BNP, he was pleased by their stance on immigrant workers, for example.

“Well it is full circle isn't it – like with the Irish when I was a lad. But apparently young people don't have a problem with them nowadays. It's very confusing. Take those millions of eastern European murderers I keep reading about in the Daily Mail that are taking the low paid and exploited jobs that are beneath an Englishman,” said Mr Billingsworth. “If I met one in the street I wouldn't have any reason to dislike them if it wasn't for the newspapers.”

Archie has been retired for over a quarter of a century and says that he has few creative outlets for his bitterness.

“Well you know, I am up for most kinds of prejudice. Nothing makes you feel better about yourself and your own lack of achievement. But I need to know clearly who it is that we are all hating. I have hidden in the mob all this time and I am too old to have my own opinion,” he complained. “In times as complex as these there needs to be more direction for the rank and file bigot.”

Despite some disillusionment with the direction the current BNP is taking, Archie sees no reason to change his allegiances as they approach their 60th year.

“Don't get me wrong, I don't hate the BNP leadership,” he said. “Some of my best friends are racists.”

Hillary Clinton in Penis Scandal

A storm has broken over the campaign of Hillary Clinton for US President when it emerged last night that Mrs Clinton does not have a penis. A college friend who is now working for the Republican Party revealed the shocking news.

"A group of us were on a hiking trip back in ‘68 and we were up in the hills chatting " explained Kurt Billingsworthski. "Hillary joked that it is OK for us guys to get ‘caught short’, we can stand behind a tree, but you know squatting in long grass isn’t fun if you're not sure what is in there."

Mr Billingsworthski had largely forgotten about the whole incident, until it became clear that Mrs Clinton was to run for election to President.

"Well I felt I just had to come forward and let the people know," he said. "President is such an important job. I know that this is 21st century America, so you know, we have to make sure all types of people get their chance. But this is such a major political issue for any man running for President."

Hillary Clinton has not commented on the matter, but the flames of controversy were further fanned upon news that Hillary was the parent of a child with a similar affliction. There has also been further speculation that Mrs Clinton may also have been born without testes.

"You see, this is it, you are either with penis or without. The American way of life will be threatened if we let people without a penis into a position of power," said Kurt. "All American Presidents have had a penis, just like all the people they represent. It is clear that the record of George W. Bush owes a lot to testes."

Supporters have argued that Mrs Clinton may in fact simply be a woman, a condition said to affect over half of US society. They add that rather than being ostracised people such as Hillary should be welcomed into the mainstream to add their diversity to the richness of American politics.

"That is the kind of unchristian, un-American talk that we are fighting everyday in this war on terror!" screamed Mr Billingsworthski. "These heathen people want to destroy our way of life – they want to ruin our Eden once more by giving a woman power. As a good Republican I know that, as sure as the earth is 6,000 years old, politics should only be conducted with a penis."

Nation's last “left lane” driver retires his Hillman Imp

The last driver known to conform to good lane discipline on Britain’s motorways today announced, on his 75th birthday, that he was to hang up his driving gloves.

"I have been driving for over 55 years and recently have happily travelled everywhere in my little 1966 Mk II British Racing Green Hillman Imp," said Harry Woods, speaking to BBC Radio. "However the time has come for me to call it a day. I am not as young as I was."

The news was greeted with mixed reactions as a great many people lamented the inevitability of the human condition and car enthusiasts mourned one less roadworthy classic in daily use.

"It might not be capable of more than 50 mph, but it is reliable, come rain or shine," said Harry. "I don't like motorway driving – in fact I only use the short stretch between junctions 9 and 10 of the M25 - about six miles - so it doesn't bother me that I can't get out of the left hand lane."

However Francis Billingsworth, from Thurrock in Essex, said that she was unmoved as to the impact this announcement would have on her life. Francis, who drives a 2003 Ford Focus explained that it was people such as Harry that were the cause of her predilection for the middle lane of the motorway.

"I think I had to change lanes to overtake a green car on the M25 a couple of years ago. I haven't been in the slow lane since." explained Mrs Billingsworth. "I heard Harry's interview on the radio as I drove to see my daughter in Cobham. Well you know I turn off at Junction 10. So I got straight into the middle lane when I got on the M25 - about 40 miles early - just in case."

The RAC said today that as far as they are aware, Harry and his classic car represent a dying breed of motorist.

"It is the old traditions that are dying out," said a spokesman. "The classic car, the classic colour, and paying due attention to driving standards and proper lane behaviour. It is all from a different era."

Mrs Billingsworth was unrepentant, however, claiming that her motorway driving technique, of remaining steadfastly in the middle lane regardless of road conditions, was the safest approach.

"If I drove how so called experts, like the RAC, say is 'correct', then I might have to change lanes to overtake slower traffic, or perhaps to let lorries and green cars onto the motorway. Well it is difficult enough just keeping to my lane and not hitting the car in front if I am chatting. And before you go saying I am an 'unsafe driver', I should point out that I have been driving for over 30 years and have never had an accident," she said. "Although I have seen plenty in my rearview mirror."

God condemned by senior figures

An open letter condemning God for the mysterious manner of His behaviour and the impact it is having on the reputations of senior community members was published today in several notable newspapers, including the London Chronicle and the New York Herald and was notable in being signed by authority figures from religion and popular culture.

“We felt that we had to express our disappointment at the lack of action that He is taking in terms of the behaviour of His followers,” explained Father Chris Mass, the group's spokesman. “It's all very well maintaining an air of mystery but we feel that the constant lack of guidance given to His followers is now starting to reduce the effectiveness of other figures of dubious provenance, such as myself.”

The letter says that whilst God (also known as Yahweh, Jehovah or Allah) is accepted as being omniscient and aware of all sins, and has historically favoured mass collective punishment in the manner of floods, fire and plagues, He has remained silent over the past two millennia. This has led to much heated speculation on subjects as diverse as: which of the sets of supposed 'Ten /commandments' is canon; whether it is correct to offer your daughter's virginity to settle debts or placate a mob; and if the VIP area of paradise does indeed bestow the prophets and martyrs 72 virgins each for their efforts in enhancing the believer/non-believer ratio in a given community.

“I take my work very seriously,” said Father Mass, “I make a list and I always check it twice, even though I know what all the children are doing all the time. Then, at the end of each year I can give them their behaviour reports – a toy if you are good, a lump of coal if you aren't. This leaves the children that believe in my method in no doubt as to where they stand.”

The Tooth Fairy said that she also felt that God's silence will not only affect the reputations of all figures of dubious provenance but would reduce her authority as a punisher of bad behaviour.

“I give regular feedback on the behaviour of younger children, in terms of the value of their milk teeth that I leave under their pillows, “ said Ashley Nymph.

“I am aware, like Father Mass, that as time has gone on children are ceasing to believe in me at earlier and earlier ages. Clearly without faith I am nothing . However today's child believers are tomorrow's adult evangelists and moral guardians. If God persists in leaving adults with no feedback as to how they are behaving one can only assume that they might stop believing and start letting each other live in peace and harmony in this life.”

“Despite my annual performance review for every child, delivered at great personal risk of alcoholism and high cholesterol I might add, children just aren't that concerned that their behaviour has consequences,” said Father Chris Mass. “They are getting their gifts elsewhere I think. I blame the parents myself. But in the future who is going to condemn homosexuals and pray to be teleported up to a celestial temple when the rapture comes? It's political incorrectness gone mad, I say.”

The letter suggests that God has a 'Duty of Care' over His adult charges and that He should fulfil His role as the signatories fulfil their duties for children. It is this work, the letter states, that leads people to express more evidence for the existence of Father Mass and Ms Nymph than for the Lord Himself.

“His believers are struggling to fit the entire fossil and geological record into a six thousand year old time frame,” added Ms Nymph. “If He doesn't provide some guidance soon, people might start to think it unbelievable that one man and a boat saved two of every species - whether herbivore or carnivore and whether water, ice or land based - from a large flood.”

God, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster, were unavailable for comment however numerous people claiming to be their spokesman all dismissed the letter as preposterous, despite several of them claiming not to have read it in the first place.

Teenager discovers headphones

Tyler Billingsworth, 14, is now a local celebrity in the Stoke Bishop area of Bristol after making a chance discovery that has improved the journeys of everyone heading into and out of the city centre.

"The 1 and 54 bus routes are much more pleasant now since he showed his discovery to his friends," said Ada Fraser, 73, of Blackboy Hill "Although they still spend all day walking around in what looks like their pyjamas."

It was at the end of term and Tyler was on a school trip to the Science Museum in London when he noticed something interesting in a display of the changes in consumer goods throughout the 20th century.

"It was really boring so we were just hanging around playing music on our phones, but I couldn’t hear mine because James has the Sony Ericsson W610i, which is slightly louder," said Tyler, explaining the moment when he made the discovery. "I noticed that in the display was some ancient thing called a Personal Stereo, and it had these headphones on it."

When Tyler got home he asked his Dad about Personal Stereo’s and was amazed by what he found out.

"Yeah, in the olden days my Dad had one and he said he used it to listen to music on something called a tape. Apparently you downloaded songs from the radio. But you had to wait for it to be played!" said Tyler. "He also said that before personal stereos him and his mates used to listen to little radios that produced a really crappy tinny sound and the personal stereo was way better."

Tyler, frustrated by having his friends tinny music drowning out his own, discovered that the "hands-free" kit that came with his phone could act like the headphones on the old Personal Stereo.

"To be honest the sound quality still isn’t great, but I think that’s because most of the music I listen to has a lot of whining, shrieking vocals and using the headsphones at least I don't get embarrassed, unlike the other kids that people at the front of the bus snigger at," he said. "Funny, all this time I thought that those hands-free things were just for calling £1-a-minute 'quickie relief' lines."

Printing to be outlawed in public places

The government’s moves to ban printing in public places, following the revelations that the small particles of toner that are emitted can do damage to the lungs similar to that caused by smoking, has met fierce criticism from civil liberties groups and the National Union of Secretaries.

"I have been using laser printers dozens of times a day for nearly 20 years now," said Gregory Billingsworth an accountant at a large city brokerage house. "I need a good printed spreadsheet with my coffee to kick start the morning. As the day goes on there is nothing better to relieve the stress than to print out a nice memo or two."

Under the new legislation, which will take effect from the start of next month, it will be illegal to print in all public buildings. Anyone wishing to do so will have to make use of designated outdoor printing areas.

Campaign groups such as the People’s Union for Liberty in Printing (PULP) have rallied against the new legislation saying that it could have severe implications for not just the social interaction at the office printer but also for the larger economy in general.

"Printer manufacturers will suffer and the ban will do nothing to improve the health of the nation," said a representative of PULP. "People will probably catch their deaths standing in the cold and rain whilst their daily status report is printed."

Assertions that the new laws will provide a safer working environment for all concerned and hasten the march to the long awaited ‘paperless office’ have not convinced serial printers.

"I have used everything from the original HP Laserjet back in the mid 80s to the latest full colour multifunction devices and I will continue to enjoy printing documents," said Mr Billingsworth. "The law is draconian, making normal citizens spy on each other. Where will it stop? Next someone will say that if I am working late in the office I can’t light up a cigarette after faxing my secretary."