Animal welfare groups today unveiled a new co-ordinated campaign to highlight the plight of millions of animals.
"These animals are now starting to suffer at the hands of man," explained Maureen Billingsworth of the environmental pressure group ‘Jobs For The Beasts’. "Globalisation’s insatiable growth and consumption is depriving hundreds of species of their means of survival."
The JFTB says that the Miner Bird is now rarely found in Western Europe following the closure of pits in places such as Wales and Northern England. Clown Fish, once popular with children of all ages whether it be in home tanks or parties at public aquaria, have now been cast aside in favour of Polish magicians. Similarly the decline of the Russian navy has led to destitution for most Red Admiral butterflies.
Decades of legislation outlawing cruel practices and blood sports have forced breeds such as the Boxer Dog to ply its trade underground but even those opportunities are being taken by the cheaper competition in the form of Chinese Fighting Dogs.
"The spread of IKEA and the preference for wicker or MDF furniture has thrown millions of Carpenter Ants onto the scrapheap," said Mrs Billingsworth. "Although there does seem to be a growth of opportunities in the middle east for Soldier Ants."
The JFTB said that field researchers had discovered evidence that some animals had been forced to take degrading jobs to survive, although they have not been able to confirm rumours that some Sperm Whales have been working in the porn industry.
The campaign groups want extensive funding to set-up animal security network, providing retraining and support for the members of the animal kingdom that have become disenfranchised. However they are conscious they need to proceed with caution due to the usage of camouflage - the Pilot Fish Support Group collapsed when it was discovered none of them could actually fly a plane.
"It isn’t all bad news," said Mrs Billingsworth. "If we can secure the right level of government funding for these animals we are sure there will be a bright future for Sponges."
Monday, March 26, 2007
Friday, March 23, 2007
UK has World’s first celebrity based economy
Today the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown, announced that the UK economy was the first in the developed world to be primarily based upon celebrity culture.
“For two centuries Britain led the way by moving from an agricultural to an Industrial base becoming the ‘workshop of the world’,” he said. ”In the 20th Century we used services to transition from industry to the information age and now, as we embark upon the 21st century, the great pillars of our economy are paparazzi-photo filled newspapers, reality TV shows and of course text voting.”
Mr Brown cited Britain’s pre-eminent position in all areas of the celebrity landscape as evidence of the change in our lifestyles giving examples such as the Daily Express’s fixation with Diana, Princess of Wales, or the Daily Telegraph with Liz Hurley.
“Sir Elton John, for example, was once one of the leading lights of the music industry, but has now become a professional wedding attendee in his desire to fuel the tabloid newspaper industry,” said the chancellor.
“Thanks to the vapid spread of British culture, the world is obsessed with our ability to produce a stream of women who look thin in a hat and whose aim is to get onto the credit card and cock of a Premiership footballer.”
Mr Brown said that the UK although pre-eminent, was facing stiff competition and would have to work hard to be as productive as the USA in terms of ‘rehab dependency’. “The United States has always had a culture of seeking therapy but thankfully the youth of today have Robbie Williams as an excellent role model, easily outclassing the limited offerings from Britney Spears.”
Critics argue that the UK is in fact suffering a reduction, rather than an increase, in celebrity after the export of the Beckhams to Los Angeles and the outsourcing of the winner of Celebrity Big Brother to India.
When asked by reporters at today’s news conference in 11 Downing Street what impact the recent scandal of TV telephone voting would have on the celebrity economy, the chancellor replied “Oh, does anyone remember how to make a car?”
“For two centuries Britain led the way by moving from an agricultural to an Industrial base becoming the ‘workshop of the world’,” he said. ”In the 20th Century we used services to transition from industry to the information age and now, as we embark upon the 21st century, the great pillars of our economy are paparazzi-photo filled newspapers, reality TV shows and of course text voting.”
Mr Brown cited Britain’s pre-eminent position in all areas of the celebrity landscape as evidence of the change in our lifestyles giving examples such as the Daily Express’s fixation with Diana, Princess of Wales, or the Daily Telegraph with Liz Hurley.
“Sir Elton John, for example, was once one of the leading lights of the music industry, but has now become a professional wedding attendee in his desire to fuel the tabloid newspaper industry,” said the chancellor.
“Thanks to the vapid spread of British culture, the world is obsessed with our ability to produce a stream of women who look thin in a hat and whose aim is to get onto the credit card and cock of a Premiership footballer.”
Mr Brown said that the UK although pre-eminent, was facing stiff competition and would have to work hard to be as productive as the USA in terms of ‘rehab dependency’. “The United States has always had a culture of seeking therapy but thankfully the youth of today have Robbie Williams as an excellent role model, easily outclassing the limited offerings from Britney Spears.”
Critics argue that the UK is in fact suffering a reduction, rather than an increase, in celebrity after the export of the Beckhams to Los Angeles and the outsourcing of the winner of Celebrity Big Brother to India.
When asked by reporters at today’s news conference in 11 Downing Street what impact the recent scandal of TV telephone voting would have on the celebrity economy, the chancellor replied “Oh, does anyone remember how to make a car?”
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Radio wakens man from coma
Friends and family were once again overjoyed as Chris Billingsworth again regained consciousness from his coma. Chris, now 32, has been in a Persistent Vegetative State following an accident as a child.
Doctors are baffled by Chris’s condition and the regularity with which he regains consciousness, just as the family radio switches on at about 7am each morning. His conscious periods last for about 3 hours or so before he once again drifts off.
“Mostly, it is just weekdays, although quite how he knows is a mystery,” explained his sister, Juliet. “But almost without fail his eyes open and he sits up and starts talking!”
Chris’ family say that conversation can be difficult, since he has been effectively in a coma following an unfortunate swimming incident when he was 13. Doctors say his brain is fully functional, but for reasons unknown chooses to spend most of its time in a completely inactive state.
“When he first woke up, about 5 years ago, it was wonderful of course - just to see him awake.“ said Juliet. “Then we realised that whilst he is a grown man now, he hasn’t learned anything new since he was in short trousers.”
Juliet’s daughter Christine, now 13 herself, has become the link between her uncle and the rest of the family by supplying them with information that only a pubescent child would find interesting.
“Well thanks to his niece, we can keep him engaged by talking about fairly schoolyard type things. Mostly inane conversation, childish innuendo, silly games that sort of thing.” said Juliet.
Juliet said that initially the family found it trying, to balance their own lives and careers with the need to be at his bedside, to provide him with company, conversation and entertainment.
“He can be quite demanding, even more so when he is awake as he really wants to be the centre of a circle of puerile attention . But we managed to kill two birds with one stone once we got him the job presenting the radio breakfast show .”
Doctors are baffled by Chris’s condition and the regularity with which he regains consciousness, just as the family radio switches on at about 7am each morning. His conscious periods last for about 3 hours or so before he once again drifts off.
“Mostly, it is just weekdays, although quite how he knows is a mystery,” explained his sister, Juliet. “But almost without fail his eyes open and he sits up and starts talking!”
Chris’ family say that conversation can be difficult, since he has been effectively in a coma following an unfortunate swimming incident when he was 13. Doctors say his brain is fully functional, but for reasons unknown chooses to spend most of its time in a completely inactive state.
“When he first woke up, about 5 years ago, it was wonderful of course - just to see him awake.“ said Juliet. “Then we realised that whilst he is a grown man now, he hasn’t learned anything new since he was in short trousers.”
Juliet’s daughter Christine, now 13 herself, has become the link between her uncle and the rest of the family by supplying them with information that only a pubescent child would find interesting.
“Well thanks to his niece, we can keep him engaged by talking about fairly schoolyard type things. Mostly inane conversation, childish innuendo, silly games that sort of thing.” said Juliet.
Juliet said that initially the family found it trying, to balance their own lives and careers with the need to be at his bedside, to provide him with company, conversation and entertainment.
“He can be quite demanding, even more so when he is awake as he really wants to be the centre of a circle of puerile attention . But we managed to kill two birds with one stone once we got him the job presenting the radio breakfast show .”
Monday, March 19, 2007
Lewis Hamilton “I could have won”
New British Formula One sensation Lewis Hamilton, today explained how he could have won his debut Grand Prix at the weekend rather than simply finish in an amazing third place.
Lewis, 22, started Sunday’s Australian Grand Prix from a spectacular fourth place before overtaking his twice World Champion teammate in an opportunistic move at the first corner to move up to second.
The British press have excitedly reported on Hamilton’s achievement in producing one of the finest first race performances in the history of Grand Prix racing which included leading the race for four laps.
Sensationally, Hamilton the first black Formula 1 driver, has now revealed how he should have won his first race.
“I think I had the pace to win,” said the McLaren Mercedes driver, “However every time I came into the pits the scrutineers pulled me over to check the car out costing me time. Each time they pulled me over they asked me ’That’s a nice car son, is it yours?”.
Lewis, 22, started Sunday’s Australian Grand Prix from a spectacular fourth place before overtaking his twice World Champion teammate in an opportunistic move at the first corner to move up to second.
The British press have excitedly reported on Hamilton’s achievement in producing one of the finest first race performances in the history of Grand Prix racing which included leading the race for four laps.
Sensationally, Hamilton the first black Formula 1 driver, has now revealed how he should have won his first race.
“I think I had the pace to win,” said the McLaren Mercedes driver, “However every time I came into the pits the scrutineers pulled me over to check the car out costing me time. Each time they pulled me over they asked me ’That’s a nice car son, is it yours?”.
Landmark personal injury settlement launches new service
Personal Injury Direct today revealed details of what they are hailing as a landmark settlement for those who suffer accidents at work.
Dr David Banner, a medical researcher from the United States of America pursued a personal injury claim against his medical institution following an over exposure to Gamma radiation. Dr Banner maintains that the incident would have been avoided had technicians suitably notified researchers that equipment had been upgraded.
The settlement, of £3.57bn, is by far the largest personal injury claim not involving a major tobacco or fast food company. Dr Banner was awarded the sum as compensation for loss of earnings as a medical researcher and for the massive trauma that the event caused in his life.
"Since the incident, I have travelled across the US unable to settle either in any location for any period of time," explained Dr Banner. "My medical condition causes extremely violent mood swings during which I am in fear of my own safety. Whilst I cannot remember any of the events that take place when I have one of these episodes, it costs me a fortune to replace my ruined clothing."
Cory Billingsworthski, of Personal Injury Direct, said that Dr Banner had also earned compensation for the effect that the incident had on his client’s reputation. "Dr Banner has been accused of murder and arson and hunted like a wild animal. The press and paparazzi have hounded him for years. This settlement sends a message that such negligence with atomic radiation will not be tolerated."
The press conference was interrupted when lawyers for the US government served papers on Dr Banner following a tip off from an investigative journalist. The latest writ alleges that Dr Banner is responsible for £2.8bn worth of damage to private and public property as well as a further £757m damage to military equipment.
Undaunted Personal Injury Direct have subsequently announced a new specialist service for anyone that may have been exposed to cosmic rays or bitten by radioactive spiders.
Dr David Banner, a medical researcher from the United States of America pursued a personal injury claim against his medical institution following an over exposure to Gamma radiation. Dr Banner maintains that the incident would have been avoided had technicians suitably notified researchers that equipment had been upgraded.
The settlement, of £3.57bn, is by far the largest personal injury claim not involving a major tobacco or fast food company. Dr Banner was awarded the sum as compensation for loss of earnings as a medical researcher and for the massive trauma that the event caused in his life.
"Since the incident, I have travelled across the US unable to settle either in any location for any period of time," explained Dr Banner. "My medical condition causes extremely violent mood swings during which I am in fear of my own safety. Whilst I cannot remember any of the events that take place when I have one of these episodes, it costs me a fortune to replace my ruined clothing."
Cory Billingsworthski, of Personal Injury Direct, said that Dr Banner had also earned compensation for the effect that the incident had on his client’s reputation. "Dr Banner has been accused of murder and arson and hunted like a wild animal. The press and paparazzi have hounded him for years. This settlement sends a message that such negligence with atomic radiation will not be tolerated."
The press conference was interrupted when lawyers for the US government served papers on Dr Banner following a tip off from an investigative journalist. The latest writ alleges that Dr Banner is responsible for £2.8bn worth of damage to private and public property as well as a further £757m damage to military equipment.
Undaunted Personal Injury Direct have subsequently announced a new specialist service for anyone that may have been exposed to cosmic rays or bitten by radioactive spiders.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Shoppers’ T-shirt sensation
A new fashion craze is sweeping Britain’s high streets and shopping centres – the “instructional T-shirt”. The shirts feature a range of messages or explanations for shop assistants so that they do not unduly disturb frustrated shoppers. The messages include ‘I do not want your store card’ or ‘No, I don’t have your loyalty card’.
“I have been struggling to keep up with demand,” said Gillian Billingsworth who created the T-shirts. “It seems we have really resonated with the frustrations of consumers.”
“They are great, aren’t they?” said Jeff, from Kent, on a visit to the Bluewater shopping mall. “I keep mine in the car and use it when I go on a long day’s shopping,” he explained. “I had one of the basic, single message, shirts but got another one with several slogans on them. It was also the only one in the range with ‘I do not want an extended warranty’ on the back.”
Shoppers say that it is nice not to have to answer the same irritating question at every till and privately shop assistants are relieved to be able to target their pimping at those more susceptible.
In an ironic twist, Ms Billingsworth was today celebrating a distribution deal with the Tesco supermarket chain. “This is an official deal, “ she explained. “Some of the other big UK retailers have been shipping shirts directly from our suppliers in the Far East. Of course we don’t approve of the grey imports, but all business is good business”.
A spokesman for Sainsbury’s refuted the grey import accusation. “We have them in a range of colours,” he said. “What is more we are also offering triple nectar points on all sizes of the ‘I don’t have a loyalty card’ line.
“I have been struggling to keep up with demand,” said Gillian Billingsworth who created the T-shirts. “It seems we have really resonated with the frustrations of consumers.”
“They are great, aren’t they?” said Jeff, from Kent, on a visit to the Bluewater shopping mall. “I keep mine in the car and use it when I go on a long day’s shopping,” he explained. “I had one of the basic, single message, shirts but got another one with several slogans on them. It was also the only one in the range with ‘I do not want an extended warranty’ on the back.”
Shoppers say that it is nice not to have to answer the same irritating question at every till and privately shop assistants are relieved to be able to target their pimping at those more susceptible.
In an ironic twist, Ms Billingsworth was today celebrating a distribution deal with the Tesco supermarket chain. “This is an official deal, “ she explained. “Some of the other big UK retailers have been shipping shirts directly from our suppliers in the Far East. Of course we don’t approve of the grey imports, but all business is good business”.
A spokesman for Sainsbury’s refuted the grey import accusation. “We have them in a range of colours,” he said. “What is more we are also offering triple nectar points on all sizes of the ‘I don’t have a loyalty card’ line.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Apology Climate Crisis
Officials in Whitehall are concerned over the rate of use of apology resources and may in future come to rely on renewable "expressions of regret". The news comes from leaked documents within the civil service saying that soon Britain will have to apologise for events that took place within living memory.
"It is quite a crisis," explained Sir Humphrey Billingsworth a retired official from the Foreign Office. "For decades Britain has led the world in apologising for the actions of our forefathers. However these are not inexhaustible resources and the last 50 years has shown a dramatic increase the use of non-renewable apologies, and with the end of empire, we simply aren’t finding new sources of future international incidents to be sorry for."
The plans being drawn up involve an increase in expressions of regret, which can later be re-cycled into full apologies.
"We need to think of future generations and their needs." said Sir Humphrey. "They deserve the right to have to apologise for events hundreds of years before they were born. If we don’t act now, our descendants will feel no shame at flying their own flag, nor will they be at all guilty about their nation’s history."
However campaigners are outraged at the leaked proposals and are planning a series of protest marches in the capital.
"We should be apologising now for not only everything that this country has ever done, but for everything it is going to do," said a statement on ‘http://ohGodImSoSorry.blogspot.com'. "We need to make sure that we are sorry for the past, but also sorry for the future. It is a message worth repeating and for that we will not apologise. Sorry."
A government spokesperson would not comment on the leaked documents, but said that it was preposterous to believe that it was not planning for the needs of future generations.
"In the last ten years we have been involved in two new wars, and at home thousands of people’s pensions are ruined," she said. "There will be plenty to be sorry for in years to come."
"It is quite a crisis," explained Sir Humphrey Billingsworth a retired official from the Foreign Office. "For decades Britain has led the world in apologising for the actions of our forefathers. However these are not inexhaustible resources and the last 50 years has shown a dramatic increase the use of non-renewable apologies, and with the end of empire, we simply aren’t finding new sources of future international incidents to be sorry for."
The plans being drawn up involve an increase in expressions of regret, which can later be re-cycled into full apologies.
"We need to think of future generations and their needs." said Sir Humphrey. "They deserve the right to have to apologise for events hundreds of years before they were born. If we don’t act now, our descendants will feel no shame at flying their own flag, nor will they be at all guilty about their nation’s history."
However campaigners are outraged at the leaked proposals and are planning a series of protest marches in the capital.
"We should be apologising now for not only everything that this country has ever done, but for everything it is going to do," said a statement on ‘http://ohGodImSoSorry.blogspot.com'. "We need to make sure that we are sorry for the past, but also sorry for the future. It is a message worth repeating and for that we will not apologise. Sorry."
A government spokesperson would not comment on the leaked documents, but said that it was preposterous to believe that it was not planning for the needs of future generations.
"In the last ten years we have been involved in two new wars, and at home thousands of people’s pensions are ruined," she said. "There will be plenty to be sorry for in years to come."
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Frustration lands internet user in prison
The trial of Martin Edward Cummins, 45 of today concluded at Norwich Crown Court. Mr Cummins was accused of lewd acts likely to corrupt a minor and was arrested after a police sting operation involving a dozen web sites and forensic investigation of his computer.
"This is a complete miscarriage of justice, " he said in a statement through his solicitor. "I have at no time attempted to corrupt anyone, it was a misunderstanding over usernames and the frustration of creating new ones when registering for web sites."
Mr Cummins defence was that every userid he tried on popular sites was taken. "The normal ones, such as first names, and fun ones like ‘BigMartin’ are always taken." he explained through his solicitor. "However I realised that if I used slightly more risqué words and phrases then those tended to be available. Naturally I tried to tailor my choice so that it matched the website I was registering with."
In court the prosecution stated that Mr Cummins had registered dozens of such aliases including ‘*********sucker’ for a teen book website, ‘UptheArsenal’ on a football related site targeted at teenage girls and ‘I****your******’ in a virtual reality game aimed at under 18s .
"I am deeply sorry that I let my frustration get the better of my judgement in the usernames I picked" concluded Mr Cummins’ statement.
Gerald Billingsworth, QC for the prosecution, informed the court that whilst he could in some ways understand how the accused could have arrived at such a situation over user names, it did not explain the 3 gigabytes of images and video police found on his hard disk.
Mr Cummins was found guilty and sentenced to 12 years imprisonment. He has already lodged an appeal and is hoping to raise funds for his legal costs at http://fuckthejudge.blogspot.com
"This is a complete miscarriage of justice, " he said in a statement through his solicitor. "I have at no time attempted to corrupt anyone, it was a misunderstanding over usernames and the frustration of creating new ones when registering for web sites."
Mr Cummins defence was that every userid he tried on popular sites was taken. "The normal ones, such as first names, and fun ones like ‘BigMartin’ are always taken." he explained through his solicitor. "However I realised that if I used slightly more risqué words and phrases then those tended to be available. Naturally I tried to tailor my choice so that it matched the website I was registering with."
In court the prosecution stated that Mr Cummins had registered dozens of such aliases including ‘*********sucker’ for a teen book website, ‘UptheArsenal’ on a football related site targeted at teenage girls and ‘I****your******’ in a virtual reality game aimed at under 18s .
"I am deeply sorry that I let my frustration get the better of my judgement in the usernames I picked" concluded Mr Cummins’ statement.
Gerald Billingsworth, QC for the prosecution, informed the court that whilst he could in some ways understand how the accused could have arrived at such a situation over user names, it did not explain the 3 gigabytes of images and video police found on his hard disk.
Mr Cummins was found guilty and sentenced to 12 years imprisonment. He has already lodged an appeal and is hoping to raise funds for his legal costs at http://fuckthejudge.blogspot.com
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
FA to release range of replica referee kit
The Football Association today unveiled a range of merchandise celebrating the match officials that are part and parcel of the national game. Richard Billingsworth, Head of Marketing for the Premier League, showed off some of the range at the FA headquarters in London’s Soho Square.
"We have a full range of replica kit available," he explained. "Not just the traditional black or yellow shirts but also the highly collectible fuchsia which is held in reserve to ensure that the officials don’t clash with Manchester United’s ever changing away strip."
Other items in the collection are the "Referee Experience", a series of audio CDs featuring verbal abuse from some of the English game’s top stars, such as John Terry and Rio Ferdinand. An international version is also planned with Zinedine Zidane.
"We are also in the process of filming a range of tutorial DVDs focusing on the art of the official," revealed Mr Billingsworth. "They will cover such topics as running backwards, walking to the linesman to pass the blame, pacing out just less than ten yards and collecting the ball at halftime."
Already available, however, is a new range of signed equipment, including flags, whistles as well as the Graham Poll collection of deluxe yellow cards which come in packs of three.
At the expensive end of the new range of merchandise are items such as the Plus10 LED extra time boards which will be part of the new Alex Ferguson range.
Mr Billingsworth said that early interest had been promising from fans and referees alike, but that the FA decided not to produce dry technical manuals. "Familiarity with the rules is not an intrinsic part of the Referee experience." he said. Similarly the planned series ‘Greatest Refereeing moments‘ has been postponed.
"We have a full range of replica kit available," he explained. "Not just the traditional black or yellow shirts but also the highly collectible fuchsia which is held in reserve to ensure that the officials don’t clash with Manchester United’s ever changing away strip."
Other items in the collection are the "Referee Experience", a series of audio CDs featuring verbal abuse from some of the English game’s top stars, such as John Terry and Rio Ferdinand. An international version is also planned with Zinedine Zidane.
"We are also in the process of filming a range of tutorial DVDs focusing on the art of the official," revealed Mr Billingsworth. "They will cover such topics as running backwards, walking to the linesman to pass the blame, pacing out just less than ten yards and collecting the ball at halftime."
Already available, however, is a new range of signed equipment, including flags, whistles as well as the Graham Poll collection of deluxe yellow cards which come in packs of three.
At the expensive end of the new range of merchandise are items such as the Plus10 LED extra time boards which will be part of the new Alex Ferguson range.
Mr Billingsworth said that early interest had been promising from fans and referees alike, but that the FA decided not to produce dry technical manuals. "Familiarity with the rules is not an intrinsic part of the Referee experience." he said. Similarly the planned series ‘Greatest Refereeing moments‘ has been postponed.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Hairdresser helps Britney Spears cure her chronic backache.
Britney Spears has spoken for the first time about her relief at finding a cure for the chronic backache from which she has suffered since 1999 and publicly thanked Esther Tognozzi, the owner of Esther’s Hair Studio in California for her help.
“I have had a look at all my hair being sold on ebay, and I just hadn’t realised I had been carrying about so much!” explained the troubled star. “Without Esther I simply would not have been able to overcome my back problems.”
Britney was responding to the news that there is currently 32 tonnes of her hair being sold on the online auction site. In fact so much hair has been sold that Esther’s salon is expected to realise profits greater than the entire GDP of Ireland.
Geography textbooks are being rewritten, listing Esther’s Hair Studio in Tarzana as having a population of 13 with an economy based upon beauty services and a major export of unwanted hair and dignity. Despite Britney’s hair being in such plentiful supply, the salon has prepared plans to diversify from raw hair to other finished products - such as rugs and mooring ropes for oil tankers.
Other industries are believed to have profited immensely from the hair bonanza. British Airways is said to have made an extra £400,000 under their new single checked in bag rule to carry the hair across the Atlantic.
Ms Spears said that she would be forever grateful to the hair salon and plans to work with them again in future. “Everyone has been such a great help that I have promised to return in a couple of months when my hair grows back, to help fulfil all the orders” said Ms Spears.
In other economic news Forbes magazine’s “Rich List“ was published yesterday and revealed that Esther Tognozzi has now surpassed Ms Spears herself as the 23rd richest woman in the USA.
“I have had a look at all my hair being sold on ebay, and I just hadn’t realised I had been carrying about so much!” explained the troubled star. “Without Esther I simply would not have been able to overcome my back problems.”
Britney was responding to the news that there is currently 32 tonnes of her hair being sold on the online auction site. In fact so much hair has been sold that Esther’s salon is expected to realise profits greater than the entire GDP of Ireland.
Geography textbooks are being rewritten, listing Esther’s Hair Studio in Tarzana as having a population of 13 with an economy based upon beauty services and a major export of unwanted hair and dignity. Despite Britney’s hair being in such plentiful supply, the salon has prepared plans to diversify from raw hair to other finished products - such as rugs and mooring ropes for oil tankers.
Other industries are believed to have profited immensely from the hair bonanza. British Airways is said to have made an extra £400,000 under their new single checked in bag rule to carry the hair across the Atlantic.
Ms Spears said that she would be forever grateful to the hair salon and plans to work with them again in future. “Everyone has been such a great help that I have promised to return in a couple of months when my hair grows back, to help fulfil all the orders” said Ms Spears.
In other economic news Forbes magazine’s “Rich List“ was published yesterday and revealed that Esther Tognozzi has now surpassed Ms Spears herself as the 23rd richest woman in the USA.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
BBC sound effects record tops album charts
It has been revealed that DJ Ibitsa’s summertime smash album "Mashing it up, ya? (sun06)" was actually a cover version of the BBC Sound Effects Volume 7 LP from 1973. Last year’s breakthrough sensation Ibitsa had received rave reviews for his 14 track anthology of the summer of 2006 being hailed as "the new music sensation of the Ipod generation".
The album produced conflicting reviews within the leading edge music world. Whilst all of the journalists at the vanguard described it as a masterpiece, they were often at odds to as to which track was the apex of Ibitsa’s work.
The opening track, ‘Birdsong’ was hailed as "the dawning of the new post-Robbie mourning of pop". Q hailed ‘Thunder’ as the "foretelling of the post-breakup-post-reunion-post-breakup world we are likely to find once Boyzone reform to topple Take That". ‘Speeding Train IV’ was celebrated by Mojo as an "affirming condemnation of the text-vote created one hit wonder". The final track, ‘Banging‘, was described by NME as "Banging!"
Music journalist Paul Morley said that the album was akin to being "teased and roasted, ghosted and toasted by the fusion of urban beans and the warm silkiness of organic sounds."
DJ Ibitsa, real name Daniel Billingsworth, speaking today as he left his home in the Kensington borough of London, was unrepentant.
"I think I uploaded the wrong MP3. I’d finished laying Mashup down, skipped through a few tracks and then sent it to my label," he explained. "I spotted that I had clicked on the wrong thing a few weeks later. But everyone was saying such nice things about the work and, well you know, the money was nice."
After the ‘mix-up’ was revealed the editorials of most of the nation’s premier music magazines hailed the unrecognized back catalogue of the BBC Radiophonic workshop. Paul Morley was unavailable for comment due to his extensive travel commitments for the ‘World Music’ edition of "Now that’s what I call a music clip show" filming in Soho.
Ibitsa is hopeful that the release of his original album now entitled ‘easyChill’ will be as well received.
"When I got back from my residency in Ayia Napa last summer I found that my mobile phone had been recording on my journey back," he explained. "It gave me the inspiration for a mix of a more futuristic sound. And passenger announcements."
The album produced conflicting reviews within the leading edge music world. Whilst all of the journalists at the vanguard described it as a masterpiece, they were often at odds to as to which track was the apex of Ibitsa’s work.
The opening track, ‘Birdsong’ was hailed as "the dawning of the new post-Robbie mourning of pop". Q hailed ‘Thunder’ as the "foretelling of the post-breakup-post-reunion-post-breakup world we are likely to find once Boyzone reform to topple Take That". ‘Speeding Train IV’ was celebrated by Mojo as an "affirming condemnation of the text-vote created one hit wonder". The final track, ‘Banging‘, was described by NME as "Banging!"
Music journalist Paul Morley said that the album was akin to being "teased and roasted, ghosted and toasted by the fusion of urban beans and the warm silkiness of organic sounds."
DJ Ibitsa, real name Daniel Billingsworth, speaking today as he left his home in the Kensington borough of London, was unrepentant.
"I think I uploaded the wrong MP3. I’d finished laying Mashup down, skipped through a few tracks and then sent it to my label," he explained. "I spotted that I had clicked on the wrong thing a few weeks later. But everyone was saying such nice things about the work and, well you know, the money was nice."
After the ‘mix-up’ was revealed the editorials of most of the nation’s premier music magazines hailed the unrecognized back catalogue of the BBC Radiophonic workshop. Paul Morley was unavailable for comment due to his extensive travel commitments for the ‘World Music’ edition of "Now that’s what I call a music clip show" filming in Soho.
Ibitsa is hopeful that the release of his original album now entitled ‘easyChill’ will be as well received.
"When I got back from my residency in Ayia Napa last summer I found that my mobile phone had been recording on my journey back," he explained. "It gave me the inspiration for a mix of a more futuristic sound. And passenger announcements."
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Japanese whalers welcome news of artificial dolphin fins
The news that Fuji the dolphin has received an artificial fin, to replace her own amputated tail, has been welcomed by the Japanese whaling association.
“This is great news, “ commented Kadoma Takase of the Japan Whaling Association. “The news that Fuji is swimming happily and back to her old self thanks to modern technology is a real encouragement to all of us. It proves what we have been saying for years, that we can slice off bits of dolphins and whales as much as we like. Now we can even replace the severed bits and they will be as happy as ever.”
The Japanese fishing and whaling industries have come under increased pressure to end practices such as the annual slaughter at Taiji in southern Japan, where conservationists estimate over 2000 dolphins are killed each year.
“We have proud traditions, such as those in Taiji, but we are a modern organisation and are constantly lobbying for greater scientific study of marine mammals,” said Mr Takase. “This innovation means that we might also be able to save costs. Traditionally our proud history of marine mammal research has involved the use of numerous large ships and expensive harpoons. Now we only need a few smaller nets and a really sharp knife.”
The JWA hopes that they will be able to extend the techniques to not just other parts of dolphins, but also to other animals. “Shark’s fin soup is a prized delicacy and we hope to be able to bring it to more restaurant goers.” said Takasesan.
Japanese consumers were unconvinced that mutilation rather than killing would be a compromise suitable for both the international community and Japan’s proud history of marine study.
“Artificial fins?” queried a patron at a Tokyo restaurant sarcastically. “I am sure they will taste rubbery.”
“This is great news, “ commented Kadoma Takase of the Japan Whaling Association. “The news that Fuji is swimming happily and back to her old self thanks to modern technology is a real encouragement to all of us. It proves what we have been saying for years, that we can slice off bits of dolphins and whales as much as we like. Now we can even replace the severed bits and they will be as happy as ever.”
The Japanese fishing and whaling industries have come under increased pressure to end practices such as the annual slaughter at Taiji in southern Japan, where conservationists estimate over 2000 dolphins are killed each year.
“We have proud traditions, such as those in Taiji, but we are a modern organisation and are constantly lobbying for greater scientific study of marine mammals,” said Mr Takase. “This innovation means that we might also be able to save costs. Traditionally our proud history of marine mammal research has involved the use of numerous large ships and expensive harpoons. Now we only need a few smaller nets and a really sharp knife.”
The JWA hopes that they will be able to extend the techniques to not just other parts of dolphins, but also to other animals. “Shark’s fin soup is a prized delicacy and we hope to be able to bring it to more restaurant goers.” said Takasesan.
Japanese consumers were unconvinced that mutilation rather than killing would be a compromise suitable for both the international community and Japan’s proud history of marine study.
“Artificial fins?” queried a patron at a Tokyo restaurant sarcastically. “I am sure they will taste rubbery.”
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Channel 4 and Home Office announce sentencing initiative
In response to the recent criticism over sentencing policy and the implication that criminals were being spared custodial sentences because the prisons were too full, today the Home Secretary unveiled a further initiative to provide transparency within sentencing policy.
Speaking from a prototype secure studio within the Home Office, Dr Reid demonstrated the new sentencing plan known as “Time or No Time”.
Like the model for new transparent prison population management, this initiative has been formed as a joint venture between the Home Office and Channel 4 television this time based on the successful “Deal or No Deal” format.
“This is yet another wonderful public private partnership, showing that New Labour can innovate in all areas of society, especially in the area of crime.” explained Dr Reid as he gave a demonstration of the new sentencing procedure (pictured).
“Once the verdict has been given, the criminal will be able to open a series of boxes to determine the sentence they will serve in prison.” explained the Home Secretary. “Periodically the Judge will interrupt play with an offer of an alternative sentence based on a formula drawn up by the Home Office. This really is thinking outside the box!" he added.
The sentencing will range from being set free through ASBO and Community Service to long term imprisonment. Regardless of the crime that player has been convicted of they may be sentenced to time in an open or secure prison. Indeed some car thieves may end up spending time classified as paedophiles.
“I think this once again shows that New Labour has not run out of ideas,” said Dr Reid, as he opened his final box revealing 'Throw Key' for permanent incarceration.
Speaking from a prototype secure studio within the Home Office, Dr Reid demonstrated the new sentencing plan known as “Time or No Time”.
Like the model for new transparent prison population management, this initiative has been formed as a joint venture between the Home Office and Channel 4 television this time based on the successful “Deal or No Deal” format.
“This is yet another wonderful public private partnership, showing that New Labour can innovate in all areas of society, especially in the area of crime.” explained Dr Reid as he gave a demonstration of the new sentencing procedure (pictured).
“Once the verdict has been given, the criminal will be able to open a series of boxes to determine the sentence they will serve in prison.” explained the Home Secretary. “Periodically the Judge will interrupt play with an offer of an alternative sentence based on a formula drawn up by the Home Office. This really is thinking outside the box!" he added.
The sentencing will range from being set free through ASBO and Community Service to long term imprisonment. Regardless of the crime that player has been convicted of they may be sentenced to time in an open or secure prison. Indeed some car thieves may end up spending time classified as paedophiles.
“I think this once again shows that New Labour has not run out of ideas,” said Dr Reid, as he opened his final box revealing 'Throw Key' for permanent incarceration.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Court sees new evidence in 21/7 bombing trial
Woolwich crown court was today shown new evidence in the trial of the six men accused of planning suicide bombing attacks on the London transport system on 21st July 2005.
The court was shown the al-Qaeda calendar for 2005.
It is a half-yearly calendar as the users would have no need for anything after June.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Tate Modern announces results of accessibility trial
The Tate Modern gallery, on the South Bank of the River Thames in London today announced the results of the first stage of its trial into making art available to the disabled.“Often art needs to be viewed in lighting or from angles that not everyone can appreciate, “ explained Sir Marmaduke Billingsworth, a trustee of the gallery. “We set the artistic community the challenge of making pieces that were as meaningful for disabled visitors as for others.”
The first installation in the trial has been a spiral staircase for the disabled (pictured).
“The results have been marvellous, “ said Sir Marmaduke. “Although admittedly better coming down, than going up.”
Monday, February 05, 2007
Electrifying changes planned for Celebrity Big Brother
Channel 4 has announced the results of an internal review into the controversy surrounding the last series and the effects it has had on the lives of the celebrities. The series is to be revamped with a provisional title of “Celebrity Suicide Watch”.
“There was a record number of complaints from the viewing public and so we need to reflect their need for action as well as the statements from the luvvies involved.” commented a source within Channel 4 who did not wish to be named.
“Since they came out the housemates have been on numerous TV programmes saying that it has ruined their careers and lives,” he explained. “A couple have even considered suicide, so we thought we really needed to use the power of the Big Brother house to turn around such a terrible situation and get the show back to entertainment.”
The source said that the next series of Celebrity Big Brother will therefore abandon evictions from the house, but will instead revert to communal punishment.
“At the end of each vote all the contestants will be strapped into their own electric chair,” explained the source. “The voltage applied to each contestant will be in proportion to the votes they receive from the public. So, if they are all equally annoying to the viewers they will all get a mild tingle and a new hairstyle. Of course if one is really standing out with the public then it will be roast pork on the menu that night.”
Channel 4 denied that such an electrocution system had been in place for this year’s show.
“Cleo Rocos’s hair has always been like that” he said.
The new format will appeal to the visceral nature of reality TV but will also provide the celebrities involved with a reduction in time spent in therapy.
“They all want to go into rehab. It’s like the ASBO of the celebrity world. If you have been in rehab you have really suffered dahling.” commented research scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “So the producers can sell electro-shock therapy as a benefit of being on the show.”
When asked if the likelihood of death would put off the celebrities wishing to take part the Channel 4 source was unconcerned.
“There will always be another 15 z-listers who want once last chance to heat up their tired careers and this really could be their last! They always say you should go out whilst you are still hot.”
“There was a record number of complaints from the viewing public and so we need to reflect their need for action as well as the statements from the luvvies involved.” commented a source within Channel 4 who did not wish to be named.
“Since they came out the housemates have been on numerous TV programmes saying that it has ruined their careers and lives,” he explained. “A couple have even considered suicide, so we thought we really needed to use the power of the Big Brother house to turn around such a terrible situation and get the show back to entertainment.”
The source said that the next series of Celebrity Big Brother will therefore abandon evictions from the house, but will instead revert to communal punishment.
“At the end of each vote all the contestants will be strapped into their own electric chair,” explained the source. “The voltage applied to each contestant will be in proportion to the votes they receive from the public. So, if they are all equally annoying to the viewers they will all get a mild tingle and a new hairstyle. Of course if one is really standing out with the public then it will be roast pork on the menu that night.”
Channel 4 denied that such an electrocution system had been in place for this year’s show.
“Cleo Rocos’s hair has always been like that” he said.
The new format will appeal to the visceral nature of reality TV but will also provide the celebrities involved with a reduction in time spent in therapy.
“They all want to go into rehab. It’s like the ASBO of the celebrity world. If you have been in rehab you have really suffered dahling.” commented research scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “So the producers can sell electro-shock therapy as a benefit of being on the show.”
When asked if the likelihood of death would put off the celebrities wishing to take part the Channel 4 source was unconcerned.
“There will always be another 15 z-listers who want once last chance to heat up their tired careers and this really could be their last! They always say you should go out whilst you are still hot.”
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Residents complain about influx of immigrants
At the "Local Diversity" conference in Birmingham, residents from small communities all over the UK got together to discuss how immigration is changing the face of Britain.
"It has really changed since I was a child, " commented Andrea Ladbroke, 83. "When I was a young girl Notting Hill was filled with wealthy families. Their large houses full of the comings and goings of old money. The local cafes filled with gossip from the servants."
Notting Hill, like other areas of London, and indeed many of Britain’s communities, has suffered from the influx of outsiders, says Mrs. Ladbroke.
"Well all the houses now are full of American movie stars or Pop Stars from northern towns. It just isn’t the same. They come here buy up all the property and take all the local broadcasting jobs at the BBC. What’s more you can‘t understand a word they say." she added.
It seems those long term residents that remain are dwindling in number and this is causing the traditional character of the area to disappear.
"Well, I feel sorry for the young people, they simply cannot afford a house unless they have had a BAFTA award winning show, or perhaps sold out Knebworth. I just don’t understand how they are going to get onto the property ladder."
Residents were not happy with the way the newcomers were integrating into local traditions.
"We still have the carnival but now it is filled with foreigners coming from places like St Lucia in the Caribbean," Andrea pointed out. "I have nothing against the Caribbean, I find it a wonderful place to winter." she added.
Henry Billingsworth, 76, from Prestbury in Cheshire said his small town had suffered a similar fate to that of Notting Hill, with the influx of residents from Portugal, the USA and Liverpool.
"You can’t cross the street safely, at my age, for fear of meeting your end on the front of a Ferrari or one of them big Mercedes off road cars," he said. "They take all the local’s jobs too. If we hadn’t let that Cristiano Ronaldo into the country then David Beckham might still have a job."
The influx of new culture has led to some improvements in the lives of the locals.
"It would be wrong to say there have been no changes for the better," remarked Mr. Billingsworth. "My small 2 bedroom semi is now worth £2.5 million and I never used to be able to get a Caramel Macchiato at 1 in the morning."
"It has really changed since I was a child, " commented Andrea Ladbroke, 83. "When I was a young girl Notting Hill was filled with wealthy families. Their large houses full of the comings and goings of old money. The local cafes filled with gossip from the servants."
Notting Hill, like other areas of London, and indeed many of Britain’s communities, has suffered from the influx of outsiders, says Mrs. Ladbroke.
"Well all the houses now are full of American movie stars or Pop Stars from northern towns. It just isn’t the same. They come here buy up all the property and take all the local broadcasting jobs at the BBC. What’s more you can‘t understand a word they say." she added.
It seems those long term residents that remain are dwindling in number and this is causing the traditional character of the area to disappear.
"Well, I feel sorry for the young people, they simply cannot afford a house unless they have had a BAFTA award winning show, or perhaps sold out Knebworth. I just don’t understand how they are going to get onto the property ladder."
Residents were not happy with the way the newcomers were integrating into local traditions.
"We still have the carnival but now it is filled with foreigners coming from places like St Lucia in the Caribbean," Andrea pointed out. "I have nothing against the Caribbean, I find it a wonderful place to winter." she added.
Henry Billingsworth, 76, from Prestbury in Cheshire said his small town had suffered a similar fate to that of Notting Hill, with the influx of residents from Portugal, the USA and Liverpool.
"You can’t cross the street safely, at my age, for fear of meeting your end on the front of a Ferrari or one of them big Mercedes off road cars," he said. "They take all the local’s jobs too. If we hadn’t let that Cristiano Ronaldo into the country then David Beckham might still have a job."
The influx of new culture has led to some improvements in the lives of the locals.
"It would be wrong to say there have been no changes for the better," remarked Mr. Billingsworth. "My small 2 bedroom semi is now worth £2.5 million and I never used to be able to get a Caramel Macchiato at 1 in the morning."
Channel 4 to work with Home Office on prison reform
The Home Secretary, John Reid, today announced that Channel 4 and the Home Office would be forming a new partnership to end the overcrowding and mis-management in the UK’s prisons.
"In a landmark partnership, we will be turning a number of prisons over to be administered by Channel 4 television," announced Dr Reid at a press conference today. "The broadcaster will bring its expertise to the problem of overcrowding in Britain’s prisons."
The Home Secretary explained that the prison numbers would be regulated by a series of phone vote evictions.
"The prisons’ security cameras will be broadcast on a new digital TV channel and we know that the public are very keen to follow the tedium in the daily routines of people kept in close quarters, sharing sleeping and washing facilities," explained the Home Secretary. "So clearly this is a solution that is fit for purpose and the revenue will be useful too," he added.
"We have experience not just of running phone voting," commented Hilary Billingsworth of the Channel 4 board. "We have great experience dealing with incarcerated racists, and further we are used to dealing with con-artists – i.e. those who pretend to be someone they are not," he explained, "Such as the alleged celebrities we have been trotting out for years,"
Dr Reid also paid tribute to other competencies that Channel 4 will be bringing to the joint venture.
"The Big Brother house is already a clear example of ‘what great looks like’ for the rest of the department to focus on. In three weeks, they have had only two men escape. That already puts the Big Brother house as the best performing prison," he said.
Tony "The Spanner", currently midway through his sentence in Wandsworth prison, spoke by video link.
"Normally people in Big Brother moan about each other being fake. In this version viewers will be able to see who is really innocent, rather than just claiming to be," he commented from a prototype prison ‘Diary Room’. "If it goes well for me, I could be in the celebrity version when I re-offend, it would be nice to meet some newspaper editors and pop stars."
Channel 4 denied this was a desperate move to re-invigorate a tired franchise with ever more salacious content and that the replacement of programme sponsors Carphone Warehouse with Imperial Leather soap had been planned for some time.
"We have always maintained that if those involved want to have sexual encounters we are not to intervene. It just might be that with this reality format any such adult entertainment is a touch more, erm, ferocious than they expect."
"In a landmark partnership, we will be turning a number of prisons over to be administered by Channel 4 television," announced Dr Reid at a press conference today. "The broadcaster will bring its expertise to the problem of overcrowding in Britain’s prisons."
The Home Secretary explained that the prison numbers would be regulated by a series of phone vote evictions.
"The prisons’ security cameras will be broadcast on a new digital TV channel and we know that the public are very keen to follow the tedium in the daily routines of people kept in close quarters, sharing sleeping and washing facilities," explained the Home Secretary. "So clearly this is a solution that is fit for purpose and the revenue will be useful too," he added.
"We have experience not just of running phone voting," commented Hilary Billingsworth of the Channel 4 board. "We have great experience dealing with incarcerated racists, and further we are used to dealing with con-artists – i.e. those who pretend to be someone they are not," he explained, "Such as the alleged celebrities we have been trotting out for years,"
Dr Reid also paid tribute to other competencies that Channel 4 will be bringing to the joint venture.
"The Big Brother house is already a clear example of ‘what great looks like’ for the rest of the department to focus on. In three weeks, they have had only two men escape. That already puts the Big Brother house as the best performing prison," he said.
Tony "The Spanner", currently midway through his sentence in Wandsworth prison, spoke by video link.
"Normally people in Big Brother moan about each other being fake. In this version viewers will be able to see who is really innocent, rather than just claiming to be," he commented from a prototype prison ‘Diary Room’. "If it goes well for me, I could be in the celebrity version when I re-offend, it would be nice to meet some newspaper editors and pop stars."
Channel 4 denied this was a desperate move to re-invigorate a tired franchise with ever more salacious content and that the replacement of programme sponsors Carphone Warehouse with Imperial Leather soap had been planned for some time.
"We have always maintained that if those involved want to have sexual encounters we are not to intervene. It just might be that with this reality format any such adult entertainment is a touch more, erm, ferocious than they expect."
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Scientists hail discovery of new emotion
Scientists have heralded the discovery of a new emotion by a researcher at the Kyle University in Birmingham.
“Following a year long study it has become clear that in addition to the traditional emotions of anger, fear, love and so on, there is very definitely another powerful driver of the human psyche” stated controversial scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.
The Professor, recently released from a custodial sentence for aggravated assault, explained how he approached his work.
“Due to court-orders preventing me conducting research directly on my assistants, I proceeded to observe my fellow researchers as they conducted their daily tasks on their own projects. It became apparent to me that as their projects developed and they experienced successes and failure, they clearly experienced a new emotion that I have called ‘futilation’.”
The Professor revealed that the new emotion, whilst outwardly similar to existing ones, appears to be specifically found within the scientific research community itself.
“This emotion is best described as experiencing frustration that your best efforts are being expended on a futile exercise,” explained Professor Billingsworth. “This exercise might be one that is being repeatedly described to you as of high importance, but that you realise is at best only ever going to be appreciated by those close to you, and at worst costs you your marriage and wastes your youth. Being futilated is a very destructive state to be in.”
When questioned as to the actual usefulness of this research Professor Billingsworth reacted angrily.
“You see, right now I am experiencing raging futilation, just like when my budget was cut on my research into violence. Shortly before I was convicted.”
Within 24 hours of the announcement of the discovery, a new specialist firm of solicitors was advertising on UK Gold offering help with personal injury claims for anyone futilated at work.
“Following a year long study it has become clear that in addition to the traditional emotions of anger, fear, love and so on, there is very definitely another powerful driver of the human psyche” stated controversial scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.
The Professor, recently released from a custodial sentence for aggravated assault, explained how he approached his work.
“Due to court-orders preventing me conducting research directly on my assistants, I proceeded to observe my fellow researchers as they conducted their daily tasks on their own projects. It became apparent to me that as their projects developed and they experienced successes and failure, they clearly experienced a new emotion that I have called ‘futilation’.”
The Professor revealed that the new emotion, whilst outwardly similar to existing ones, appears to be specifically found within the scientific research community itself.
“This emotion is best described as experiencing frustration that your best efforts are being expended on a futile exercise,” explained Professor Billingsworth. “This exercise might be one that is being repeatedly described to you as of high importance, but that you realise is at best only ever going to be appreciated by those close to you, and at worst costs you your marriage and wastes your youth. Being futilated is a very destructive state to be in.”
When questioned as to the actual usefulness of this research Professor Billingsworth reacted angrily.
“You see, right now I am experiencing raging futilation, just like when my budget was cut on my research into violence. Shortly before I was convicted.”
Within 24 hours of the announcement of the discovery, a new specialist firm of solicitors was advertising on UK Gold offering help with personal injury claims for anyone futilated at work.
Friday, February 02, 2007
British film-makers call for re-introduction of the death penalty
A petition signed by the great and the good of the British film industry was presented to 10 Downing Street today in the ongoing campaign for the re-instatement of the death penalty. This followed yesterday’s similar move by the screenwriters’ guild petitioning for police to be armed as a matter of course.
Lord Winningsworth, famed director of films such as ‘Electric Death’, ‘The Trial of Dr Jones’ and the controversial ‘Kill Rage’ series spoke outside the famous black door.
“British filmmakers, some of the finest writing and directing talents in the world, are currently hamstrung by the UK’s lack of a death penalty,” he explained. “They are limited in their work because a tense courtroom drama doesn’t work if the denouement is a sentence of ‘twenty years with time off for good behaviour less time served on remand’. I mean where is the drama in that?” he said.
When asked about the inevitability of miscarriages of justices with the finality of a death sentence, Lord Winningsworth said that was part of the consideration.
“Indeed, that too is another rich line of drama. Films exploring the tragic mistakes of the justice system are much loved by writers and actors – they all love those powerful speeches.”
Anne Corman, award winning crime fiction writer, expressed similar sentiments being felt by a large number of novelists and those working in television.
“Police dramas in the UK are never going to be able to compete against those from the US, there is not enough gunplay – rarely can we write a believable shoot-out, no car is ever likely to get its tyres shot out by pursuing Police officers.”
The death penalty is a controversial subject that has divided the nation. It was abolished in 1965 after pressure from the print media, concerned that they can never match the drama of such a live event and therefore moved to try and stem the growth of television news. With the advent of 24 hour news, the broadcast media has backed the writers and filmmakers.
“We can’t always rely on the US and Iraq for such wonderful live drama” said a source at Sky News.
Tomorrow Andrew Stevens of Channel 4 television will be presenting a petition for the jury system to be replaced with a system of text voting.
Lord Winningsworth, famed director of films such as ‘Electric Death’, ‘The Trial of Dr Jones’ and the controversial ‘Kill Rage’ series spoke outside the famous black door.
“British filmmakers, some of the finest writing and directing talents in the world, are currently hamstrung by the UK’s lack of a death penalty,” he explained. “They are limited in their work because a tense courtroom drama doesn’t work if the denouement is a sentence of ‘twenty years with time off for good behaviour less time served on remand’. I mean where is the drama in that?” he said.
When asked about the inevitability of miscarriages of justices with the finality of a death sentence, Lord Winningsworth said that was part of the consideration.
“Indeed, that too is another rich line of drama. Films exploring the tragic mistakes of the justice system are much loved by writers and actors – they all love those powerful speeches.”
Anne Corman, award winning crime fiction writer, expressed similar sentiments being felt by a large number of novelists and those working in television.
“Police dramas in the UK are never going to be able to compete against those from the US, there is not enough gunplay – rarely can we write a believable shoot-out, no car is ever likely to get its tyres shot out by pursuing Police officers.”
The death penalty is a controversial subject that has divided the nation. It was abolished in 1965 after pressure from the print media, concerned that they can never match the drama of such a live event and therefore moved to try and stem the growth of television news. With the advent of 24 hour news, the broadcast media has backed the writers and filmmakers.
“We can’t always rely on the US and Iraq for such wonderful live drama” said a source at Sky News.
Tomorrow Andrew Stevens of Channel 4 television will be presenting a petition for the jury system to be replaced with a system of text voting.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
United States reacts to new European Leader
There were mixed reactions across the United States of America to the news that Michel Platini had been elected as the new President of UEFA. In bars and truck stops across the land the talk was all about the implications for Europe, relations with the US and the future of the Middle East.
"Well its good to see them using their new democratic powers that we gave them," commented Kurt Billingsworthski, a trucker from Ohio. "Having a Frenchman in charge, though, well that just turns them further against us."
Indeed, this was a sentiment echoed by Fox News, which led with "Europe votes for surrender – Frenchman elected as President!" in its evening broadcast. "This is further evidence of a weakness at the heart of Old Europe further turning its back on the United States." added political firebrand commentator Bill O’Reilly.
President Bush said that he welcomed the show of democracy within Europe, but warned "We must continue this fight on all fronts, Europeans must remain steadfast in their desire for freedom."
However whilst the layman was focussed on the news with regards to high level principles and values, others within George W. Bush’s administration seemed to be aware of more of the detail of the electoral issues. Condoleeza Rice commented "From an economic perspective we can work closely with our European partners, although we would hope to free up the regulatory framework around proposals for a salary cap. However the US is steadfast in its belief that reducing the number of qualification places for the Champion’s League can only be balanced by an increase in weaker league representation which would dilute the overall quality of the competition."
Back in his favourite bar, "Old Glory", Kurt felt that as the dust settles, the existing world order would not change substantially.
"Well, you know, internationally, the US team is still the envy of the world, and back home it has the finest, most sophisticated, richest and most entertaining league, " said Kurt. "Heck we now have that Damon Bradman coming from Spain. He will have to be in the prime of his career to compete in the MLS."
"Well its good to see them using their new democratic powers that we gave them," commented Kurt Billingsworthski, a trucker from Ohio. "Having a Frenchman in charge, though, well that just turns them further against us."
Indeed, this was a sentiment echoed by Fox News, which led with "Europe votes for surrender – Frenchman elected as President!" in its evening broadcast. "This is further evidence of a weakness at the heart of Old Europe further turning its back on the United States." added political firebrand commentator Bill O’Reilly.
President Bush said that he welcomed the show of democracy within Europe, but warned "We must continue this fight on all fronts, Europeans must remain steadfast in their desire for freedom."
However whilst the layman was focussed on the news with regards to high level principles and values, others within George W. Bush’s administration seemed to be aware of more of the detail of the electoral issues. Condoleeza Rice commented "From an economic perspective we can work closely with our European partners, although we would hope to free up the regulatory framework around proposals for a salary cap. However the US is steadfast in its belief that reducing the number of qualification places for the Champion’s League can only be balanced by an increase in weaker league representation which would dilute the overall quality of the competition."
Back in his favourite bar, "Old Glory", Kurt felt that as the dust settles, the existing world order would not change substantially.
"Well, you know, internationally, the US team is still the envy of the world, and back home it has the finest, most sophisticated, richest and most entertaining league, " said Kurt. "Heck we now have that Damon Bradman coming from Spain. He will have to be in the prime of his career to compete in the MLS."
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Consumer was neither stunned nor amazed
Confused consumer Beth Billingsworth is campaigning for a greater understanding of "normal" people in society.
"I first started to suspect something a couple of months ago when I picked up a mobile phone in the shop and was able to look at its styling and understand its features completely. The product display said it was stunning yet I was in now way deprived of consciousness by looking at the phone. In another shop I looked at a computer, and whilst I thought that the features were very good for a model at its price point I was in no way overwhelmed with either surprise or wonder. In fact if anything I felt quite assured that Moore’s Law was in fact still pertinent some forty years after he proposed it."
Beth was perplexed and felt there must be something wrong with her. "The advertising industry spends millions each year on TV advertising that states quite clearly that not only will we all make an emotional connection with some product or service, but that we will become unable to deal with the intensity of such feeling – hence the usage of superlatives.
"I sought treatment but, although I spent quite a lot of time reading astounding self help books and I attended a couple of seminars by ‘wonderful’ speakers, I was never at any point filled with a sense of awe that would leave me bewildered as to the message that was being delivered," said Beth shaking her head.
Beth has now come to realise that she is in fact, "perfectly normal" and that most advertising is in fact "complete bollocks".
"It is total bunk," announced Beth, "I mean of course some people fall for it but then they are the kind of people who wear clothes with overt logos on them and say ‘like’ every other word. Normal people don’t do any of the above and we are clearly being disenfranchised – we just want nice clear information that enables us to make purchasing decisions."
Lin Wiblongth, partner at leading advertising firm Smith, Smith, Smythe, Schmidt, Smed and Szmyt gave a statement on behalf of the advertising industry. "This fantastic campaign will provide an amazing springboard into the outstanding experiences of normal people. It is a truly stunning revelation that I think all of us in Adland will take on board. My colleagues found it so amazing we only needed three pictures of Margaritas at our last creative meeting. Astounding." She than sat comatose staring out of the window.
"I first started to suspect something a couple of months ago when I picked up a mobile phone in the shop and was able to look at its styling and understand its features completely. The product display said it was stunning yet I was in now way deprived of consciousness by looking at the phone. In another shop I looked at a computer, and whilst I thought that the features were very good for a model at its price point I was in no way overwhelmed with either surprise or wonder. In fact if anything I felt quite assured that Moore’s Law was in fact still pertinent some forty years after he proposed it."
Beth was perplexed and felt there must be something wrong with her. "The advertising industry spends millions each year on TV advertising that states quite clearly that not only will we all make an emotional connection with some product or service, but that we will become unable to deal with the intensity of such feeling – hence the usage of superlatives.
"I sought treatment but, although I spent quite a lot of time reading astounding self help books and I attended a couple of seminars by ‘wonderful’ speakers, I was never at any point filled with a sense of awe that would leave me bewildered as to the message that was being delivered," said Beth shaking her head.
Beth has now come to realise that she is in fact, "perfectly normal" and that most advertising is in fact "complete bollocks".
"It is total bunk," announced Beth, "I mean of course some people fall for it but then they are the kind of people who wear clothes with overt logos on them and say ‘like’ every other word. Normal people don’t do any of the above and we are clearly being disenfranchised – we just want nice clear information that enables us to make purchasing decisions."
Lin Wiblongth, partner at leading advertising firm Smith, Smith, Smythe, Schmidt, Smed and Szmyt gave a statement on behalf of the advertising industry. "This fantastic campaign will provide an amazing springboard into the outstanding experiences of normal people. It is a truly stunning revelation that I think all of us in Adland will take on board. My colleagues found it so amazing we only needed three pictures of Margaritas at our last creative meeting. Astounding." She than sat comatose staring out of the window.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Government created religious consensus spawns new peace group
"It is another wonderful achievement for New Labour," claimed Ruth Kelly, Communities Secretary. "We have managed to achieve what many people have thought impossible, a genuine consensus across all faiths. It is an historic milestone"
Ms Kelly was speaking after the Church of England backed the Catholic Church in its desire to continue discrimination against gay people in response to new legislation banning the withholding of services based on sexual orientation.
"Isn't it wonderful? We also know that Muslim groups don't want to have to print leaflets or let facilities to people who are good with colours either."
The gay community, whilst wanting to do all the things heterosexual people do but without having arguments over the position of the toilet seat, announced it had plans to capitalise on this unique position and launch a new role as peace broker throughout the world.
"Essentially, no matter whether they are black, white, Christian, Muslim or Jew - a lot of people seem to have it in for us, " explained Peter Billingsworth of Stonewall. "Not in a good way either."
Gay associations are offering to mediate in domestic and international disputes with a new voluntary group of "Common Enemies". In areas of conflict the new teams will arrive in the area in a fleet of pink Volkswagen camper vans bearing the trademark rainbow flags. They will set up camp bases between the conflicting factions.
The idea is that once the militias have focussed their hate on the newly "out" gay community a longer term dialogue can begin, moving from the starting point of spite filled scripture and aiming towards true reconciliation. One of the first areas to be offered the new "Common Enemies" service is the middle east - a flashpoint of Muslim, Jewish and Christian hatred.
"We think we can unite these communities pretty quickly," said a volunteer who wished to remain nameless. "It will probably take only one Gay Pride march. We hope we don't have to resort to using local costumes with the arse cut out, but we hold that in reserve if we have to."
Ms Kelly was speaking after the Church of England backed the Catholic Church in its desire to continue discrimination against gay people in response to new legislation banning the withholding of services based on sexual orientation.
"Isn't it wonderful? We also know that Muslim groups don't want to have to print leaflets or let facilities to people who are good with colours either."
The gay community, whilst wanting to do all the things heterosexual people do but without having arguments over the position of the toilet seat, announced it had plans to capitalise on this unique position and launch a new role as peace broker throughout the world.
"Essentially, no matter whether they are black, white, Christian, Muslim or Jew - a lot of people seem to have it in for us, " explained Peter Billingsworth of Stonewall. "Not in a good way either."
Gay associations are offering to mediate in domestic and international disputes with a new voluntary group of "Common Enemies". In areas of conflict the new teams will arrive in the area in a fleet of pink Volkswagen camper vans bearing the trademark rainbow flags. They will set up camp bases between the conflicting factions.
The idea is that once the militias have focussed their hate on the newly "out" gay community a longer term dialogue can begin, moving from the starting point of spite filled scripture and aiming towards true reconciliation. One of the first areas to be offered the new "Common Enemies" service is the middle east - a flashpoint of Muslim, Jewish and Christian hatred.
"We think we can unite these communities pretty quickly," said a volunteer who wished to remain nameless. "It will probably take only one Gay Pride march. We hope we don't have to resort to using local costumes with the arse cut out, but we hold that in reserve if we have to."
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Government moves to ban catchphrase humour
Yesterday, in the House of Commons, Tony Blair announced proposals for government legislation to ban catchphrase humour, a “blight”, he said, “on creative writing and humorous thinking that has plagued British society for too long”.
“It is time now to bring to a close the seemingly endless round of two dimensional characters filling our screens with yet another way of saying the same tired old message. This is a national problem, not a local one for local people, and government must intervene.”
The debate in the commons reached fever pitch as the opposition benches clamoured to take New Labour to task.
“British comedy is the envy of the world, and generates loadsamoney for the economy,” said Conservative leader, David Cameron, “Yet, we have known for some time that such an institution is not safe from this politically correct government, we knew that you just wouldn’t let it lie, would you?”
“Yes, but, no, but you shouldn’t listen to that George Osborne,” retorted the Prime Minister. “His figures don’t add up at all. You know, being PM is the hardest game in the world, it is. I been PM for ten years, man and boy.”
Sir Menzies Campbell attacked the lack of opportunity for the public to voice their concerns over the proposed changes to comedy. “You don’t want to do it like that,” he said, “ you want to do it like this: form a select committee to hear testimony from members of the public and distil policy out of informed focus groups with proper overseas fact-finding.”
The Labour party itself is showing a united front. When challenged on Newsnight as to which of Mr Blair’s policies he would be proud to take through as the future Prime Minister, Gordon Brown said he wanted “that one”. When pressed by Jeremy Paxman that such comedy provided reassuring predictability and comfort to those in society less confident as to be able to discern humour in a social situation, Mr Brown reiterated, “I want that one.”
Sources have revealed that a constitutional crisis was averted by the Queen, indignant that this should be introduced into an already busy Parliamentary session. ”How very dare you!” she exclaimed. “One is having a fag!”
“It is time now to bring to a close the seemingly endless round of two dimensional characters filling our screens with yet another way of saying the same tired old message. This is a national problem, not a local one for local people, and government must intervene.”
The debate in the commons reached fever pitch as the opposition benches clamoured to take New Labour to task.
“British comedy is the envy of the world, and generates loadsamoney for the economy,” said Conservative leader, David Cameron, “Yet, we have known for some time that such an institution is not safe from this politically correct government, we knew that you just wouldn’t let it lie, would you?”
“Yes, but, no, but you shouldn’t listen to that George Osborne,” retorted the Prime Minister. “His figures don’t add up at all. You know, being PM is the hardest game in the world, it is. I been PM for ten years, man and boy.”
Sir Menzies Campbell attacked the lack of opportunity for the public to voice their concerns over the proposed changes to comedy. “You don’t want to do it like that,” he said, “ you want to do it like this: form a select committee to hear testimony from members of the public and distil policy out of informed focus groups with proper overseas fact-finding.”
The Labour party itself is showing a united front. When challenged on Newsnight as to which of Mr Blair’s policies he would be proud to take through as the future Prime Minister, Gordon Brown said he wanted “that one”. When pressed by Jeremy Paxman that such comedy provided reassuring predictability and comfort to those in society less confident as to be able to discern humour in a social situation, Mr Brown reiterated, “I want that one.”
Sources have revealed that a constitutional crisis was averted by the Queen, indignant that this should be introduced into an already busy Parliamentary session. ”How very dare you!” she exclaimed. “One is having a fag!”
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Museum of the Double Entendre to close
The nation’s only museum dedicated to ribaldry has announced that it would be closing at the end of the month.
“Attendance figures have become flaccid in the last few years, I guess British humour has just changed,” commented Herbert Billingsworth, the museum’s founder. “We tried to follow society, but in the end we just couldn’t keep it up.”
The Museum of the Double Entendre was opened in Bristol in the late 60s and has dedicated itself to documenting and preserving Britain’s rich history of ‘seaside humour’.
“We have a wonderful collection of postcards, and of course we have the Benny Hill wing which is popular with American tourists,” explained Billingsworth.
“We first had the idea for the museum in the mid sixties. Originally we had hoped for two museums with one for stage and screen and the other for printed materials. We got into position in ’69 and opened up pretty quickly. The initial few years gave us great hope to construct a purpose built facility forming the pair of Bristol’s leading entertainment venue.”
The museum prospered for its first ten years or so. However the second building was never built, as British humour moved away from the saucy ‘Carry On’ movies and into the ‘Alternative’ movement of the 80s. The last major acquisition was original artwork from Viz, before the money dried up.
“We had to shelve our plans for the second building. It was going to be a magnificent erection. We always had problems with queuing and we designed the new building with two entrances, you could enter from either the front or the back but we made sure you would get the same satisfaction whichever way you came.”
The exhibits from the greats of British humour such as Tommy Cooper, Morecombe and Wise, the Two Ronnies and Jimmy Carr’s agent - to name but a few - are now up for sale.
“We do hope buyers come forward, we have some great assets that I know collectors would love to get their hands on,” implored Herbet. ”We have Barbara Windsor’s heart bikini from ‘Carry on Doctor’, for example. It is a national treasure, and it would be a shame to have to take it up the back passage - to the charity shop.”
Mr Billingsworth said that one of the saddest things is that future generations of comedy writers would not have such a comprehensive collection to study from.
“I myself had always hoped to move into comedy, and I wanted to learn from the masters, hence the museum,” smirked Billingsworth. “Still I will always be thankful for the mammaries.”
“Attendance figures have become flaccid in the last few years, I guess British humour has just changed,” commented Herbert Billingsworth, the museum’s founder. “We tried to follow society, but in the end we just couldn’t keep it up.”
The Museum of the Double Entendre was opened in Bristol in the late 60s and has dedicated itself to documenting and preserving Britain’s rich history of ‘seaside humour’.
“We have a wonderful collection of postcards, and of course we have the Benny Hill wing which is popular with American tourists,” explained Billingsworth.
“We first had the idea for the museum in the mid sixties. Originally we had hoped for two museums with one for stage and screen and the other for printed materials. We got into position in ’69 and opened up pretty quickly. The initial few years gave us great hope to construct a purpose built facility forming the pair of Bristol’s leading entertainment venue.”
The museum prospered for its first ten years or so. However the second building was never built, as British humour moved away from the saucy ‘Carry On’ movies and into the ‘Alternative’ movement of the 80s. The last major acquisition was original artwork from Viz, before the money dried up.
“We had to shelve our plans for the second building. It was going to be a magnificent erection. We always had problems with queuing and we designed the new building with two entrances, you could enter from either the front or the back but we made sure you would get the same satisfaction whichever way you came.”
The exhibits from the greats of British humour such as Tommy Cooper, Morecombe and Wise, the Two Ronnies and Jimmy Carr’s agent - to name but a few - are now up for sale.
“We do hope buyers come forward, we have some great assets that I know collectors would love to get their hands on,” implored Herbet. ”We have Barbara Windsor’s heart bikini from ‘Carry on Doctor’, for example. It is a national treasure, and it would be a shame to have to take it up the back passage - to the charity shop.”
Mr Billingsworth said that one of the saddest things is that future generations of comedy writers would not have such a comprehensive collection to study from.
“I myself had always hoped to move into comedy, and I wanted to learn from the masters, hence the museum,” smirked Billingsworth. “Still I will always be thankful for the mammaries.”
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Maths teaching to be made more practical
Following on from recent developments in language teaching based around the use of smuggled cigarettes, the Department of Education is now taking a similar approach to the area of mathematics.
“For too long Maths has had trouble engaging with youth” complained Jane Billingsworth, government spokeperson on Youth Culture. “In classrooms all around this great land we hear the wail of ‘But sir, when am I ever going to use that’. Whether it be trigonometry, fractions, long division, it always seems to unrelated to their lives”, she continued, speaking in between runs on the half-pipe at Stockwell Skatepark.
“What we propose is to revolutionise teaching in Maths. Fraction teaching will be based around how to work out how much a quarter of hash for yourself and an eighth of Jamaican black for your mum will cost. Number theory will be taught with the conventional number line but the milestones will be “number of months until baby born, council house application” and so on. Estimation will be taught based on scratch card and cider purchases and the number of days until giro day.
Ms Billingsworth explained, after her third and successful attempt to complete a frontside 360, that if the changes to Mathematics are as successful as expected this approach will be extended to other subjects.
“Physics will still focus on the Newtonian laws of motion, friction and so on, but with practical application to avoiding the Filth, the best cars to nick and their associated physical driving characteristics.”
However the changes are expected to only see improvement in academic performance.
“Hopefully this will engage young people. But we don’t expect miracles, teenage boys will continue to dress as though they are wearing their pyjamas and girls will continue to smell like Cuban ashtrays.
“For too long Maths has had trouble engaging with youth” complained Jane Billingsworth, government spokeperson on Youth Culture. “In classrooms all around this great land we hear the wail of ‘But sir, when am I ever going to use that’. Whether it be trigonometry, fractions, long division, it always seems to unrelated to their lives”, she continued, speaking in between runs on the half-pipe at Stockwell Skatepark.
“What we propose is to revolutionise teaching in Maths. Fraction teaching will be based around how to work out how much a quarter of hash for yourself and an eighth of Jamaican black for your mum will cost. Number theory will be taught with the conventional number line but the milestones will be “number of months until baby born, council house application” and so on. Estimation will be taught based on scratch card and cider purchases and the number of days until giro day.
Ms Billingsworth explained, after her third and successful attempt to complete a frontside 360, that if the changes to Mathematics are as successful as expected this approach will be extended to other subjects.
“Physics will still focus on the Newtonian laws of motion, friction and so on, but with practical application to avoiding the Filth, the best cars to nick and their associated physical driving characteristics.”
However the changes are expected to only see improvement in academic performance.
“Hopefully this will engage young people. But we don’t expect miracles, teenage boys will continue to dress as though they are wearing their pyjamas and girls will continue to smell like Cuban ashtrays.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Man awakens from long period of hypnosis
Mark Billingsworth, 38, an IT manager for a large financial institution, explained how he had been awoken from what appeared to be an extended period of hypnosis.
“I am still in a bit of a daze really. “ he explained “It was only yesterday morning that I came out from under the influence.”
Mr. Billingsworth said that he was not sure how long he had been hypnotized for but believed it may have been as a long as several years.
“The last thing I remember I was in my early twenties. I was young, slim, had a full head of hair and used to love touring on my motorbike.” He reminisced. “I remember playing the guitar in a band, we were pretty good I think. We could have got somewhere, although I remember considering being a writer more than a performer.”
It appears that after undergoing hypnosis Mr. Billingsworth traded his motorbike in for a people carrier, and spent his subsequent weekends not at music festivals or bike rallies but at B&Q and Ikea.
“When I wasn’t on my bike, or with the band, I remember being quite sporty. I used to hate golf and love football. Now it appears I am a member of the local golf club and its social society!”
The changes in his hobbies appear to have been even more wide-ranging.
“I can’t play the guitar very well anymore. I don’t think I have been to a drunken after-show party in years. I am now an IT project manager following a structured development methodology, not changing the world through subversive writing.”
Mark also explained how he came out of his seemingly decades long trance.
“Well it was yesterday morning. I was startled out of the trance when my two year old son threw his breakfast into my face and my apparent hypnotist asked me why I hadn’t put the shelves up in the study.”
“I am still in a bit of a daze really. “ he explained “It was only yesterday morning that I came out from under the influence.”
Mr. Billingsworth said that he was not sure how long he had been hypnotized for but believed it may have been as a long as several years.
“The last thing I remember I was in my early twenties. I was young, slim, had a full head of hair and used to love touring on my motorbike.” He reminisced. “I remember playing the guitar in a band, we were pretty good I think. We could have got somewhere, although I remember considering being a writer more than a performer.”
It appears that after undergoing hypnosis Mr. Billingsworth traded his motorbike in for a people carrier, and spent his subsequent weekends not at music festivals or bike rallies but at B&Q and Ikea.
“When I wasn’t on my bike, or with the band, I remember being quite sporty. I used to hate golf and love football. Now it appears I am a member of the local golf club and its social society!”
The changes in his hobbies appear to have been even more wide-ranging.
“I can’t play the guitar very well anymore. I don’t think I have been to a drunken after-show party in years. I am now an IT project manager following a structured development methodology, not changing the world through subversive writing.”
Mark also explained how he came out of his seemingly decades long trance.
“Well it was yesterday morning. I was startled out of the trance when my two year old son threw his breakfast into my face and my apparent hypnotist asked me why I hadn’t put the shelves up in the study.”
Friday, January 12, 2007
Man hospitalised attempting to complete a year in a month
Jason Billingsworth, 26, was today reliving his last few days for the press after being discharged from Barking Hospital. “Well you know, we all live a fast paced lifestyle these days,” said the unemployed van driver from Dagenham. “I had read all these facts in the newspaper, like, about how much we eat and drink in a year. Well you know I thought that must take a lot of time.”
Mr Billingsworth explained that he decided to free up as much time as possible later on in the year by consuming his total amount of food and drink in the month of January.
“Think of the time I’m gonna save not shopping, eating or crapping. It was a blinding idea.” he explained. “I was even more clever than that too. I read that a packet of crisps a day was a equivalent to five litres of cooking fat. Well I like my crisps, but I know I can drink quicker than I can eat. So I got myself 5 litres of cooking fat and polished that right off.”
Mr Billingsworth explained further ingenuity. “The 45 portions of chips was a challenge. Its two meals a day that. But I had lots of chip butties which put a massive dent in the amount of bread I have to eat.”
“Of course I was really looking forward to all the beer,” said Jason, whilst smoking 3 cigarettes at once. “100 litres in a month! Marvelllous! I am not sure how much I got through, because I passed out an ended up in the hospital. It must have been a fair amount mind, as I was in their toilet for four hours pissing rusty water out me arse.”
Mr Billingsworth is undaunted by the trip to A&E, as he said that was on his list anyway.
“I have to get off home now, as the pizza boy should be arriving soon with the low-loader.”
Mr Billingsworth explained that he decided to free up as much time as possible later on in the year by consuming his total amount of food and drink in the month of January.
“Think of the time I’m gonna save not shopping, eating or crapping. It was a blinding idea.” he explained. “I was even more clever than that too. I read that a packet of crisps a day was a equivalent to five litres of cooking fat. Well I like my crisps, but I know I can drink quicker than I can eat. So I got myself 5 litres of cooking fat and polished that right off.”
Mr Billingsworth explained further ingenuity. “The 45 portions of chips was a challenge. Its two meals a day that. But I had lots of chip butties which put a massive dent in the amount of bread I have to eat.”
“Of course I was really looking forward to all the beer,” said Jason, whilst smoking 3 cigarettes at once. “100 litres in a month! Marvelllous! I am not sure how much I got through, because I passed out an ended up in the hospital. It must have been a fair amount mind, as I was in their toilet for four hours pissing rusty water out me arse.”
Mr Billingsworth is undaunted by the trip to A&E, as he said that was on his list anyway.
“I have to get off home now, as the pizza boy should be arriving soon with the low-loader.”
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Price of Euro notes rising
Following a spate of revelations regarding the contamination of Euro notes with cocaine, the street price of the notes is now rising above face value.
The most prized notes are those from the Republic of Ireland, where a recent study found that 100% of the notes have traces of cocaine. However also prized are Spanish notes, as they are almost certain to contain the class A drug.
Patrick McHugh of the Central Bank of Ireland raised concerns over the money supply. “It is a double whammy, to be sure. Notes are being taken out of circulation by people trying to get their hands on the cocaine, this is putting a huge pressure on the amount of coinage in circulation. That is what is really getting up my nose.”
Garda Inspector Bill O’Reilly said that the effect on street life in Dublin was immediately noticeable. “Its pretty amazing watching people trading in the streets,” he said. “They are bartering way above market rates to get their hands on the notes. It just isn‘t normal to see people wandering the streets of Dublin with a pig under each arm. Normally the left one is empty.”
Fifty Euro notes seem the most prized as they contain the most cocaine. Currently they are have a value of €67each on the streets of Dublin.
Madrid Police say that their experience is similar to that of their Irish counterparts, only slightly less frenetic due to the lottery aspect of the clean 6% of notes. Spanish issued fifty Euro notes are currently trading on the street at €54.
“At some point the price going to be reflected in the markets when the big international money men get in on the act.“ explained Mr McHugh. “That is when we are really going to go high”
The most prized notes are those from the Republic of Ireland, where a recent study found that 100% of the notes have traces of cocaine. However also prized are Spanish notes, as they are almost certain to contain the class A drug.
Patrick McHugh of the Central Bank of Ireland raised concerns over the money supply. “It is a double whammy, to be sure. Notes are being taken out of circulation by people trying to get their hands on the cocaine, this is putting a huge pressure on the amount of coinage in circulation. That is what is really getting up my nose.”
Garda Inspector Bill O’Reilly said that the effect on street life in Dublin was immediately noticeable. “Its pretty amazing watching people trading in the streets,” he said. “They are bartering way above market rates to get their hands on the notes. It just isn‘t normal to see people wandering the streets of Dublin with a pig under each arm. Normally the left one is empty.”
Fifty Euro notes seem the most prized as they contain the most cocaine. Currently they are have a value of €67each on the streets of Dublin.
Madrid Police say that their experience is similar to that of their Irish counterparts, only slightly less frenetic due to the lottery aspect of the clean 6% of notes. Spanish issued fifty Euro notes are currently trading on the street at €54.
“At some point the price going to be reflected in the markets when the big international money men get in on the act.“ explained Mr McHugh. “That is when we are really going to go high”
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Controversy over leaked footage of the Iraqi version of “The Apprentice”
There has been continued outrage in the media regarding footage from what is believed to be the Iraqi version of “The Apprentice” that has been posted onto several websites in the middle east.
Internet blogs reveal that the format has changed to make it more relevant to the Iraqi viewer. So now, instead of competing to be a salaried lapdog of a 1980s entrepreneur who now concentrates on media exposure, the Iraqi version has contestants competing in a series of trials to determine their future role in the reconstructed war zone.
The leaked video footage shows the result of one of these trials in which the contestant remonstrates with the series judge in an executive courtroom. Controversy, however, surrounds the manner in which one contestant, known in media circles only as “Saddam” left the series and the unsubtle way that the celebrated catchphrase of “You’re fired!” has been replaced with “You’re dropped!” and is even acted out in the final scene.
“The Iraqis have taken this franchise and distorted it too far from its roots, “ complained Sir Alan Billingsworth, a former governor of the BBC. “What they have in Iraq is nothing like what we have in the west and what we tried to give them. I believe there was talk of sticking with ‘You’re fired!’ but the producers refused to act that one out. Mind you, I hear that a local Baghdad channel has a lower budget version where they have ’You’re axed!’ as the catchphrase. That really is extreme TV.”
Channel 4 said that they always keep a close eye on developments within the reality TV format but denied that recent construction work on the Celebrity Big Brother house is related to the leaked video. In contrast a source close to the production company Endemol said “Well our version has got a bit absurd, and maybe a ‘below stairs revolution’ could be a way to finally kill off Jade Goody”.
Internet blogs reveal that the format has changed to make it more relevant to the Iraqi viewer. So now, instead of competing to be a salaried lapdog of a 1980s entrepreneur who now concentrates on media exposure, the Iraqi version has contestants competing in a series of trials to determine their future role in the reconstructed war zone.
The leaked video footage shows the result of one of these trials in which the contestant remonstrates with the series judge in an executive courtroom. Controversy, however, surrounds the manner in which one contestant, known in media circles only as “Saddam” left the series and the unsubtle way that the celebrated catchphrase of “You’re fired!” has been replaced with “You’re dropped!” and is even acted out in the final scene.
“The Iraqis have taken this franchise and distorted it too far from its roots, “ complained Sir Alan Billingsworth, a former governor of the BBC. “What they have in Iraq is nothing like what we have in the west and what we tried to give them. I believe there was talk of sticking with ‘You’re fired!’ but the producers refused to act that one out. Mind you, I hear that a local Baghdad channel has a lower budget version where they have ’You’re axed!’ as the catchphrase. That really is extreme TV.”
Channel 4 said that they always keep a close eye on developments within the reality TV format but denied that recent construction work on the Celebrity Big Brother house is related to the leaked video. In contrast a source close to the production company Endemol said “Well our version has got a bit absurd, and maybe a ‘below stairs revolution’ could be a way to finally kill off Jade Goody”.
Monday, January 08, 2007
Dossier reveals world leaders’ real concerns about Global Warming
A leaked dossier has revealed the concerns of the secretive Bilderberg group regarding the impact of Global Warming on western governments.
Minutes of last year’s meeting of the group, a 50 year private enclave of some of the most powerful political and economic decision makers, revealed that they are fearful of revolution and turmoil due to the lengthened summers and reduced rainfall in many countries.
Denis Billingsworth, a retired journalist who has studied the Bilderberg Group has had access to the document.
“Its pretty simple logic, really,” explained Denis. “The Group is concerned that historically revolution and riots against the establishment have all taken place in good weather. People don’t like to go out in the rain. So, if the Earth warms up and the summers get longer and hotter, if there is less rain, then there will be more revolution.”
Mr Billingsworth pointed to history to illustrate the Bilderberg Group’s concern, highlighting the major revolutions and when they happened.
“The French stormed the Bastille on 14th July, right in the heart of summer. The American’s declared independence on 4th July. The Bolshevik’s made sure their revolution was finished in October, before the weather turned nasty in Russia.”
Mr Billingsworth has also looked back at Britain’s own recent history for more evidence to back up the Bilderberg Group’s concerns.
“Look at recent riots in the UK: Brixton flared up in April; Toxteth rioted in July and it was a lovely sunny day in London when the poll tax protestors kicked off at the end of March,” he pointed out. “People don’t revolt if they have to take an umbrella with them.”
Many now believe that the increased environmental awareness of politicians comes directly out of the thinking of this influential group. “They are worried now. They don’t really care about the polar bears or the frogs in the Amazon. They look at Iraq or anywhere in the middle-east for that matter, and they see Washington, Paris or Norwich in a couple of decades time,” said Billingsworth. “It’s always sunny and warm and not a day goes by without a Molotov Cocktail being hurled. That simply would not be the case if the insurgents lived in Aberystwyth.”
Minutes of last year’s meeting of the group, a 50 year private enclave of some of the most powerful political and economic decision makers, revealed that they are fearful of revolution and turmoil due to the lengthened summers and reduced rainfall in many countries.
Denis Billingsworth, a retired journalist who has studied the Bilderberg Group has had access to the document.
“Its pretty simple logic, really,” explained Denis. “The Group is concerned that historically revolution and riots against the establishment have all taken place in good weather. People don’t like to go out in the rain. So, if the Earth warms up and the summers get longer and hotter, if there is less rain, then there will be more revolution.”
Mr Billingsworth pointed to history to illustrate the Bilderberg Group’s concern, highlighting the major revolutions and when they happened.
“The French stormed the Bastille on 14th July, right in the heart of summer. The American’s declared independence on 4th July. The Bolshevik’s made sure their revolution was finished in October, before the weather turned nasty in Russia.”
Mr Billingsworth has also looked back at Britain’s own recent history for more evidence to back up the Bilderberg Group’s concerns.
“Look at recent riots in the UK: Brixton flared up in April; Toxteth rioted in July and it was a lovely sunny day in London when the poll tax protestors kicked off at the end of March,” he pointed out. “People don’t revolt if they have to take an umbrella with them.”
Many now believe that the increased environmental awareness of politicians comes directly out of the thinking of this influential group. “They are worried now. They don’t really care about the polar bears or the frogs in the Amazon. They look at Iraq or anywhere in the middle-east for that matter, and they see Washington, Paris or Norwich in a couple of decades time,” said Billingsworth. “It’s always sunny and warm and not a day goes by without a Molotov Cocktail being hurled. That simply would not be the case if the insurgents lived in Aberystwyth.”
Friday, January 05, 2007
Escaped agent reveals Polonium clue
A mysterious man in his late seventies was revealed today as a significant clue in the investigation into the poisoning of ex-Russian agent Alexander Litvinenko.
The man wearing a dishevelled jacket in a naval styling was found near his Lotus 7 motor car after it ran out of petrol. He would not give his name and claimed to Police to have escaped from a mysterious village.
“He was pretty incoherent most of the time. Mainly ranting about being a man, not a number,” said Detective Inspector Patrick Billingsworth. “We found him yesterday, he had been circulating Parliament Square until his car ran out of petrol. He claimed he was being chased by a Rover -although his description of a spherical vehicle did not match any model we know of.”
Police did not take the man seriously initially, until he explained that he was formerly a British secret agent who had resigned his post for reasons he would not reveal.
“Well naturally that sparked our interest. I mean, we all like a good spy story down the yard. When we told him the date he revealed he had been imprisoned in this mysterious village for forty years. During that time he claimed to have been drugged at least two dozen times through a variety of means. Looking at his frail body, and the fact that he had lost all his hair, we noticed immediately the resemblance to Mr Litvinenko‘s condition.”
D.I. Billingsworth revealed that the mysterious old man became abusive when being questioned. “He wouldn’t give us much information and as we asked more he got a bit nasty, claiming we were all talking ‘Number Twos‘. ”
The authorities revealed that they found traces of polonium-210 on the man’s clothing and are awaiting the results of blood tests. Police task forces are now concentrating their searches on North Wales following the man’s description of the place of his captivity.
“His descriptions match those of the Italianate village of Portmeirion, although he was a bit incredulous when we suggested it to him,” explained D.I Billingsworth. “We are undeterred even though he said that it couldn’t be in Wales as the Village had running water and electricity and the inhabitants could read a newspaper.“
The man wearing a dishevelled jacket in a naval styling was found near his Lotus 7 motor car after it ran out of petrol. He would not give his name and claimed to Police to have escaped from a mysterious village.
“He was pretty incoherent most of the time. Mainly ranting about being a man, not a number,” said Detective Inspector Patrick Billingsworth. “We found him yesterday, he had been circulating Parliament Square until his car ran out of petrol. He claimed he was being chased by a Rover -although his description of a spherical vehicle did not match any model we know of.”
Police did not take the man seriously initially, until he explained that he was formerly a British secret agent who had resigned his post for reasons he would not reveal.
“Well naturally that sparked our interest. I mean, we all like a good spy story down the yard. When we told him the date he revealed he had been imprisoned in this mysterious village for forty years. During that time he claimed to have been drugged at least two dozen times through a variety of means. Looking at his frail body, and the fact that he had lost all his hair, we noticed immediately the resemblance to Mr Litvinenko‘s condition.”
D.I. Billingsworth revealed that the mysterious old man became abusive when being questioned. “He wouldn’t give us much information and as we asked more he got a bit nasty, claiming we were all talking ‘Number Twos‘. ”
The authorities revealed that they found traces of polonium-210 on the man’s clothing and are awaiting the results of blood tests. Police task forces are now concentrating their searches on North Wales following the man’s description of the place of his captivity.
“His descriptions match those of the Italianate village of Portmeirion, although he was a bit incredulous when we suggested it to him,” explained D.I Billingsworth. “We are undeterred even though he said that it couldn’t be in Wales as the Village had running water and electricity and the inhabitants could read a newspaper.“
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Britain's only losing gambler dies
Bookmaker's in Britain were today in mourning after the announcement of the death of Henry Billingsworth. Mr Billingsworth died yesterday at the age of 94 as the man with the reputation of being an amiable loser.
"It is a black day," said Arthur, a regular at Connolly's Turf Accountants in Formby, Merseyside. "He was a chipper chap, was Henry, everyone liked him."
Henry was known as a character in his local, the Red Lion. As beers were downed and the stories of the day's gambling exploits unfolded, it was indeed the case. No one seemed to have come out a loser.
"Aye, I did OK in the bookie's today. Held my own," said Arthur who was a bit flushed having run into the pub. "Guys, can anyone lend me a couple of quid, That roulette machine next door is bound to pay out soon."
"Up and down, up and down. Came out OK" added another, avoiding Arthur's gaze.
"Doing alright. I had a ten-to-one winner three weeks ago.Won £50 I did." said Mike rummaging through his change at the bar to buy his final pint of the day.
"I had a good day, ended a little bit ahead" said Jim, another regular. "I remember Henry. Quite often he would say that he had lost. Sometimes he had ended the day ahead, but quite often he was down."
"Of course I am a bit worried, not a good start to 2007" said David Connolly, the local independant bookmaker, buying a round of drinks at the bar from a bundle of £50 notes. "Henry was a really nice, honest chap and if he was losing some money, he would tell you. If you ask any of my regular punters, they rarely lose and none of them are ever down on the day. I wish i had their luck. Maybe then I could afford a bigger Villa in Spain than the one I currently have and my Jag is getting on for two years old now."
"It is a black day," said Arthur, a regular at Connolly's Turf Accountants in Formby, Merseyside. "He was a chipper chap, was Henry, everyone liked him."
Henry was known as a character in his local, the Red Lion. As beers were downed and the stories of the day's gambling exploits unfolded, it was indeed the case. No one seemed to have come out a loser.
"Aye, I did OK in the bookie's today. Held my own," said Arthur who was a bit flushed having run into the pub. "Guys, can anyone lend me a couple of quid, That roulette machine next door is bound to pay out soon."
"Up and down, up and down. Came out OK" added another, avoiding Arthur's gaze.
"Doing alright. I had a ten-to-one winner three weeks ago.Won £50 I did." said Mike rummaging through his change at the bar to buy his final pint of the day.
"I had a good day, ended a little bit ahead" said Jim, another regular. "I remember Henry. Quite often he would say that he had lost. Sometimes he had ended the day ahead, but quite often he was down."
"Of course I am a bit worried, not a good start to 2007" said David Connolly, the local independant bookmaker, buying a round of drinks at the bar from a bundle of £50 notes. "Henry was a really nice, honest chap and if he was losing some money, he would tell you. If you ask any of my regular punters, they rarely lose and none of them are ever down on the day. I wish i had their luck. Maybe then I could afford a bigger Villa in Spain than the one I currently have and my Jag is getting on for two years old now."
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Celebrity house open for new season
As the New Year hangovers clear Britain once again braces itself for the events that will transpire in a stylised house in London filled with D-list celebrities.
The nation's newspaper editors are gearing up for their re-hashing of the events we saw the night before on TV. Their journalists are digging into the background of each of those that appear in the house and speculation as to what each phrase said and each exclamation really means.
There will be arguments and accusations. Groups and cliques will form. Some of those in the house will deliberately attempt to gain favour, whilst others attempt to climb to the very top along a ladder formed by the knives they have stuck into the backs of fellow members of the house.
Throughout, the public will themselves speculate about those they previously thought of as upstanding citizens as a stream of press revelations about their private lives sheds light on dark underbellies they previously had attempted to keep secret. Come the end of this particular series of broadcasts there is likely to be a re-shuffle in the hierarchy based on the popularity gained or lost over the last few weeks.
Recently, Michael Martin MP, the speaker of the House of Commons denied it was to move to Celebrity Big Brother style text voting, a new series of which coincidentally overlaps with this next session of Parliament.
The nation's newspaper editors are gearing up for their re-hashing of the events we saw the night before on TV. Their journalists are digging into the background of each of those that appear in the house and speculation as to what each phrase said and each exclamation really means.
There will be arguments and accusations. Groups and cliques will form. Some of those in the house will deliberately attempt to gain favour, whilst others attempt to climb to the very top along a ladder formed by the knives they have stuck into the backs of fellow members of the house.
Throughout, the public will themselves speculate about those they previously thought of as upstanding citizens as a stream of press revelations about their private lives sheds light on dark underbellies they previously had attempted to keep secret. Come the end of this particular series of broadcasts there is likely to be a re-shuffle in the hierarchy based on the popularity gained or lost over the last few weeks.
Recently, Michael Martin MP, the speaker of the House of Commons denied it was to move to Celebrity Big Brother style text voting, a new series of which coincidentally overlaps with this next session of Parliament.
Friday, December 22, 2006
Desperation at UK airports
Most UK airports were filled with desperate news reporters tryng to turn the recent bout of fog into screaming and tearful human interest stories.
"I have tried everything," said Katrina Billingsworth, in between live reports from Heathrow for 24 hour news channels. "The truth is it looks like the airlines have handled it well and people are being quite sensible. Its a disgrace."
"The airports need to give each plane more space on the ground," explained Ms Billingsworth. "Cancelling domestic flights gives them the space for the international flights and only effects those people who could get a train or bus or something else".
"I tried in one report to make this sound like 'So those on their expensive luxury holidays are looked after, but people just trying to visit relatives for Christmas aren't being allowed to do that', but it just came across as ridiculous on air as it sounds here."
An emotional Ms Billingsworth fought back the tears "Damn Britain for being a bloody island and having various means of transport. I mean it all makes sense and is so unfair. The bloody fog has come a few days too early to really impact Christmas. And if it does carry on well no one will be interested. Does no one care about my Christmas?"
"One family had a connecting flight cancelled, and they were going on about their Christmas presents being in the luggage, that sounded promising - I was sure I could get the kids to cry, but it turned out that their suitcases were just waiting at a different terminal in the same airport. They just don't care about us ordinary reporters. They don't care about my news reports being delayed or lost, or my promotion being cancelled."
Ms Billingsworth's mood cheered when it became apparent that BA's website was struggling to cope with the load of enquiries and there were also delays in answering the emergency helpline.
"Shame it was only the website that crashed, but this could still be great. I just need to get someone to burst into tears at the Internet cafe, hopefully who has an ill grand mother, and it might be a good Christmas after all. "
"I have tried everything," said Katrina Billingsworth, in between live reports from Heathrow for 24 hour news channels. "The truth is it looks like the airlines have handled it well and people are being quite sensible. Its a disgrace."
"The airports need to give each plane more space on the ground," explained Ms Billingsworth. "Cancelling domestic flights gives them the space for the international flights and only effects those people who could get a train or bus or something else".
"I tried in one report to make this sound like 'So those on their expensive luxury holidays are looked after, but people just trying to visit relatives for Christmas aren't being allowed to do that', but it just came across as ridiculous on air as it sounds here."
An emotional Ms Billingsworth fought back the tears "Damn Britain for being a bloody island and having various means of transport. I mean it all makes sense and is so unfair. The bloody fog has come a few days too early to really impact Christmas. And if it does carry on well no one will be interested. Does no one care about my Christmas?"
"One family had a connecting flight cancelled, and they were going on about their Christmas presents being in the luggage, that sounded promising - I was sure I could get the kids to cry, but it turned out that their suitcases were just waiting at a different terminal in the same airport. They just don't care about us ordinary reporters. They don't care about my news reports being delayed or lost, or my promotion being cancelled."
Ms Billingsworth's mood cheered when it became apparent that BA's website was struggling to cope with the load of enquiries and there were also delays in answering the emergency helpline.
"Shame it was only the website that crashed, but this could still be great. I just need to get someone to burst into tears at the Internet cafe, hopefully who has an ill grand mother, and it might be a good Christmas after all. "
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Sky announce new year "HD" special
Today, BSkyB announced its new "Hanging Direct" extravangaza. The 3 hour show will take place live from Baghdad and feature a variety performance from some of showbiz's most famous stars who have been unable to get Panto work. The culmination of the variety show will be the hanging of Saddam Hussein, thought likely to gain the highest pay-per-view ratings in history.
The Deputy Prime Minister - John Prescott denied any impropriety on the part of the government in awarding the execution contracts and insisted selling the TV rights was not a desperate attempt to help pay for the cost of the War in Iraq.
A further controversy broke when it was revealed that a refreshment caravan for the venue was to be run by the Foreign Secretary - Margaret Beckett.
John Prescott was adamant. "Instead of anything untoward, this should be seen as furthering the spread of democracy and freedom and showing that the west is indeed serious about such matters" he said. BSkyB would not comment on rumours that the government was using the execution of the "Butcher of Baghdad" as a test for future democratisation of Iraq on the western model, although the country's infrastructure is being readied for mass text voting.
Whilst stories that the judges for any future trials will be selected via a new interactive programme "How do you solve a problem like Sharia?" are thought to be wide of the mark, it is believed that the Fox Network in the USA has secured the exclusive rights to the trial and execution of Osama Bin Laden, should he ever be captured.
The Deputy Prime Minister - John Prescott denied any impropriety on the part of the government in awarding the execution contracts and insisted selling the TV rights was not a desperate attempt to help pay for the cost of the War in Iraq.
A further controversy broke when it was revealed that a refreshment caravan for the venue was to be run by the Foreign Secretary - Margaret Beckett.
John Prescott was adamant. "Instead of anything untoward, this should be seen as furthering the spread of democracy and freedom and showing that the west is indeed serious about such matters" he said. BSkyB would not comment on rumours that the government was using the execution of the "Butcher of Baghdad" as a test for future democratisation of Iraq on the western model, although the country's infrastructure is being readied for mass text voting.
Whilst stories that the judges for any future trials will be selected via a new interactive programme "How do you solve a problem like Sharia?" are thought to be wide of the mark, it is believed that the Fox Network in the USA has secured the exclusive rights to the trial and execution of Osama Bin Laden, should he ever be captured.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Kicking causes serious injury - research finds
A study into the effects of physical violence has revealed that kicking can cause serious injury. Sharp objects, such as knives, were also found to cause serious wounds.
These surprise findings came after a year of research into the effects of various methods of assault. "It has been the hardest year of medical investigations I have been involved with," said Darren Wirlsthob, one of five members of the study group.
"Medical research is difficult, but is most difficult when you are dealing with the randomness of physical violence, often influenced by alcohol consumption, " explained Mr Wirlsthob "In fact that was one of the most difficult aspects to deal with, it seemed it was always after a few beers that the Professor wanted to test his steel-toecapped boots."
Mr Wirlsthob, speaking today from his bed in Cardiff Royal Infirmary after the end of the trial, gave an insight into the complexities of normalising the data. "We had to allow for the variance not only in alcohol consumption but how much the Professor had lost at the dogs."
The trial was brought to an end when Professor J. Scott Billingsworth failed to gain extra funding for his research into the physical effects of violence.
"That was a particularly difficult day, " whinced Darren, pointing to the cast on his left leg. "Losing our funding brought my involvement in such important research to an end. Well that and the second broken leg that I sustained shortly after the funding decision was announced."
It was revealed that the research group had held its final meeting waiting for the ambulances to arrive to take the group to hospital. Two of the team have yet to regain consciousness whilst a third refused to talk to anyone "In case that bloody mad man is with them" possibly referring to Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.
The Professor himself, a controversial figure in the study of the anatomy of violence, is unrepentant about his methods that have led to not only the complete hospitalisation of his second research team, but also being banned from keeping livestock and must remain more than 100 yards from any carol singers.
"What else are undergraduates for? You know everyone complains that A-Levels are too easy, well I can tell you the students find my university courses hard. The puffs." bellowed Professor Billingsworth through his cell door. "I shall carry on. I can't use livestock, no more free researchers, but i can get the results I need from the next time Millwall play Cardiff."
These surprise findings came after a year of research into the effects of various methods of assault. "It has been the hardest year of medical investigations I have been involved with," said Darren Wirlsthob, one of five members of the study group.
"Medical research is difficult, but is most difficult when you are dealing with the randomness of physical violence, often influenced by alcohol consumption, " explained Mr Wirlsthob "In fact that was one of the most difficult aspects to deal with, it seemed it was always after a few beers that the Professor wanted to test his steel-toecapped boots."
Mr Wirlsthob, speaking today from his bed in Cardiff Royal Infirmary after the end of the trial, gave an insight into the complexities of normalising the data. "We had to allow for the variance not only in alcohol consumption but how much the Professor had lost at the dogs."
The trial was brought to an end when Professor J. Scott Billingsworth failed to gain extra funding for his research into the physical effects of violence.
"That was a particularly difficult day, " whinced Darren, pointing to the cast on his left leg. "Losing our funding brought my involvement in such important research to an end. Well that and the second broken leg that I sustained shortly after the funding decision was announced."
It was revealed that the research group had held its final meeting waiting for the ambulances to arrive to take the group to hospital. Two of the team have yet to regain consciousness whilst a third refused to talk to anyone "In case that bloody mad man is with them" possibly referring to Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.
The Professor himself, a controversial figure in the study of the anatomy of violence, is unrepentant about his methods that have led to not only the complete hospitalisation of his second research team, but also being banned from keeping livestock and must remain more than 100 yards from any carol singers.
"What else are undergraduates for? You know everyone complains that A-Levels are too easy, well I can tell you the students find my university courses hard. The puffs." bellowed Professor Billingsworth through his cell door. "I shall carry on. I can't use livestock, no more free researchers, but i can get the results I need from the next time Millwall play Cardiff."
Thursday, December 14, 2006
easyBus to expand into long haul with easyCoach
Today, the airport shuttle service arm of the easy Group of companies announced its long awaited plans to expand into the national “long haul” bus market by adding two newer, larger vehicles to its fleet and the launch of its new easyCoach brand.
“Several years ago we vowed to take on Megabus in the low-cost, no-frills inter-city coach business, however the major issue was finding the right vehicles to compete,” explained Fiona Billingsworth, CEO of easyCoach. “Our current Mercedes Sprinter minibuses are not suitable for the London to Glasgow run, however we have now done a landmark deal in coach leasing to bring easyCoach to the market.”
The new fleet of vehicles has been leased from the House of Windsor and the Lord Mayor of London. Whilst easyCoach admits the vehicles are old, nearly 250 years old in fact, they have been regularly serviced and are in ‘showroom quality‘ as they have only been used once a year.
“Our customers come to us for value for money and so they will welcome the new coaches. We think our customers will love them, even though they are a bit brighter and more gaudy than the easy Group’s normal and more reserved orange styling.
“Since we have two coaches in the fleet we can give customers used to easyJet the reassurance that we have a backup in the event a service has to be cancelled.”
Ticket pricing has yet to be finalised, however easyCoach said that they would be competitive in the market. “Yes, we won’t be beaten on price. However book early because there are only four seats in each coach but we are sure we can cram quite a few passengers in!” said Mrs Billingsworth. “Journey times too will be competitive depending on how often we stop to give the horses a rest - we currently plan for a monthly service, with each journey taking approximately a fortnight in either direction from London to Glasgow. Which competes favourably with how long a journey on Virgin Trains feels.”
“Several years ago we vowed to take on Megabus in the low-cost, no-frills inter-city coach business, however the major issue was finding the right vehicles to compete,” explained Fiona Billingsworth, CEO of easyCoach. “Our current Mercedes Sprinter minibuses are not suitable for the London to Glasgow run, however we have now done a landmark deal in coach leasing to bring easyCoach to the market.”
The new fleet of vehicles has been leased from the House of Windsor and the Lord Mayor of London. Whilst easyCoach admits the vehicles are old, nearly 250 years old in fact, they have been regularly serviced and are in ‘showroom quality‘ as they have only been used once a year.
“Our customers come to us for value for money and so they will welcome the new coaches. We think our customers will love them, even though they are a bit brighter and more gaudy than the easy Group’s normal and more reserved orange styling.
“Since we have two coaches in the fleet we can give customers used to easyJet the reassurance that we have a backup in the event a service has to be cancelled.”
Ticket pricing has yet to be finalised, however easyCoach said that they would be competitive in the market. “Yes, we won’t be beaten on price. However book early because there are only four seats in each coach but we are sure we can cram quite a few passengers in!” said Mrs Billingsworth. “Journey times too will be competitive depending on how often we stop to give the horses a rest - we currently plan for a monthly service, with each journey taking approximately a fortnight in either direction from London to Glasgow. Which competes favourably with how long a journey on Virgin Trains feels.”
Monday, December 11, 2006
Young Sport personality of the year “fitting”
Many were surprised at the winners of the BBC Sports Personality of the year awards with the individual awards going to the less mainstream sports men and women. Football and cricket, predictably, given .the lack of successful British teams , failed to get their names on the familiar trophy. However one award that seemed fitting was that of the Young Sports Personality of the year, going to Theo Walcott.
“We felt that the this award perfectly matched the aspirations of teenagers everywhere and should act as an inspiration to those young sports people that if they keep plugging away it will get recognised,” said Steve Billingsworth of the BBC’s judging panel. “Theo has spent the best part of the year being driven around Europe and sitting listening to his Ipod whilst his playing family has been getting involved in activities. This is the behaviour of many teenagers in Britain and so makes his award of the BBC Young Sports Personality of the Year so much more relevant.”
Walcott spent most of the year watching from the sidelines as his club Arsenal were runners-up in both the Premiership and the Champions League. However his fortune changed dramatically in the summer when he was able to watch England crash out the world cup on penalties - although of course he never got to kick a ball.
Theo, was unable to be there in person to accept the award, because he was of course keeping the Arsenal bench warm at Stamford Bridge as they drew with Chelsea. Fortunately the news was broken to him by a text message and he was able to record a brief speech on his mobile phone.
His agent said that in private Theo thought the award was “OK, suppose” and “not too lame, I didn’t like have to wear a Dinner Jacket or nothing.”
“We felt that the this award perfectly matched the aspirations of teenagers everywhere and should act as an inspiration to those young sports people that if they keep plugging away it will get recognised,” said Steve Billingsworth of the BBC’s judging panel. “Theo has spent the best part of the year being driven around Europe and sitting listening to his Ipod whilst his playing family has been getting involved in activities. This is the behaviour of many teenagers in Britain and so makes his award of the BBC Young Sports Personality of the Year so much more relevant.”
Walcott spent most of the year watching from the sidelines as his club Arsenal were runners-up in both the Premiership and the Champions League. However his fortune changed dramatically in the summer when he was able to watch England crash out the world cup on penalties - although of course he never got to kick a ball.
Theo, was unable to be there in person to accept the award, because he was of course keeping the Arsenal bench warm at Stamford Bridge as they drew with Chelsea. Fortunately the news was broken to him by a text message and he was able to record a brief speech on his mobile phone.
His agent said that in private Theo thought the award was “OK, suppose” and “not too lame, I didn’t like have to wear a Dinner Jacket or nothing.”
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Electronics firm sets launch date for new "Mythical" console
Billenz, the German electronics manufacturer today announced the launch date for its “Mythical” games console. The console has been the subject of rumour, leaks and discussion within the games playing community for over a year. Although the company has refused to comment many games magazines and technology blogs have detailed the new machine, citing anonymous sources claiming to be former employees of Billenz. The feverish speculation has led the blogging community to declare the console as the most powerful yet conceived and predicted to knock Sony from the top step of the games console podium.
Heinz Billing, CEO and founder of Billenz today broke his silence on the project. “I have refused comment for the last of two years on details for this Mythical console. We repeatedly have denied its existence and refused to discuss its specifications, which we will continue. Again let me say, so I can be clear. This console is mythical, its performance is unimaginable. Nothing like this will be played in the world.”
When pressed as to the availability he replied, “Release date? How about April 1st?” Mr Billenz’s words met with a cheer from gaming journalists and bloggers present.
“That is just what we wanted to hear, “ said Kallum Smythe aka, ‘Mr Bloggy‘. “As April gets closer more and more gamers will be camped out on the streets waiting to get hold of not only the new console, but also the spectacular new games that we will be writing about over the next few months. We in the technology community needed this now that the PS3, Xbox 360 and Wii have all hit the shops.”
A hushed awe fell over those assembled when a question was asked about the controllers for the new machine, and whether they would be as innovative as the Wii-Mote motion sensitive device used on the Wii. “There is no controller, “ said Mr Billenz. This has already led to some industry pundits speculating about optical motion capture technology as used in military helicopters.
Mr Billenz was true to his word when he refused to reveal any specifications of the graphics capability of the Mythical machine, only that “You will not be able to tell the images generated by this mythical console.” leading to rife speculation of true photo realistic technology.
“It is very difficult, “ said Mr Billenz after the conference, “I try to tell them. We only make washing machines.”
Heinz Billing, CEO and founder of Billenz today broke his silence on the project. “I have refused comment for the last of two years on details for this Mythical console. We repeatedly have denied its existence and refused to discuss its specifications, which we will continue. Again let me say, so I can be clear. This console is mythical, its performance is unimaginable. Nothing like this will be played in the world.”
When pressed as to the availability he replied, “Release date? How about April 1st?” Mr Billenz’s words met with a cheer from gaming journalists and bloggers present.
“That is just what we wanted to hear, “ said Kallum Smythe aka, ‘Mr Bloggy‘. “As April gets closer more and more gamers will be camped out on the streets waiting to get hold of not only the new console, but also the spectacular new games that we will be writing about over the next few months. We in the technology community needed this now that the PS3, Xbox 360 and Wii have all hit the shops.”
A hushed awe fell over those assembled when a question was asked about the controllers for the new machine, and whether they would be as innovative as the Wii-Mote motion sensitive device used on the Wii. “There is no controller, “ said Mr Billenz. This has already led to some industry pundits speculating about optical motion capture technology as used in military helicopters.
Mr Billenz was true to his word when he refused to reveal any specifications of the graphics capability of the Mythical machine, only that “You will not be able to tell the images generated by this mythical console.” leading to rife speculation of true photo realistic technology.
“It is very difficult, “ said Mr Billenz after the conference, “I try to tell them. We only make washing machines.”
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Vandals call for greater regulation of Graffiti
A growing number of Britain’s youths are calling for greater regulation and protection of intellectual property in the increasingly competitive Graffiti media. A new pressure group has been formed and had its first open meeting today, under a flyover for the A2 in Falconwood.
“It’s bad now. N’ I don’t mean bad good, like, it’s butters to get your tags down.” explained T-Bone, leader of the T-Block gang. “I spent 5 minutes scratching my, like, tag into a window on one of, like, those new 89 buses. Like later all the windows was done - you couldn‘t, like, see mine or nothin‘.”
The problem, they say, is that their vandalism is overwritten and damaged and that there is so much graffiti it is not novel any more.
“No one looks,” said another child from T Block, dressed in what appeared to be his pyjamas. “I mean like, every inch is scratched like, people don’t even notice no more. The police should do sumfink to, like, protect our work.”
“It is not like it’s RA or even the Cherry Boys, like.” said T-Bone. “They got the same probs. None of us got any, like, talent, so it all just looks like a child done it. So other kids just scratch stuff in and ruin our work. We ain‘t got nothing’ witty to say so nothin‘ makes our stuff stand out.”
T-Bone’s father said that it was time that there was more done to protect the efforts of vandals. Jeff Billingsworth is a part time street huckster on behalf of a national Accident Claim compensation firm. “My boy has the right, like, not to have his work scratched over by someone else. It’s, like, defacement. Cos it is simple it’s, like, being copied. There is laws against copyin’ stuff. I know ’cos I was done for selling dodgy DVDs last month.”
“We need to get together, like, T-Block, RA and even the Cherry Boys with their gay name,” said Mr Billingsworth who plans to take his case up with Bexley council and is asking for help from other concerned parents in the area, especially as the council insists on a written query.
“It’s bad now. N’ I don’t mean bad good, like, it’s butters to get your tags down.” explained T-Bone, leader of the T-Block gang. “I spent 5 minutes scratching my, like, tag into a window on one of, like, those new 89 buses. Like later all the windows was done - you couldn‘t, like, see mine or nothin‘.”
The problem, they say, is that their vandalism is overwritten and damaged and that there is so much graffiti it is not novel any more.
“No one looks,” said another child from T Block, dressed in what appeared to be his pyjamas. “I mean like, every inch is scratched like, people don’t even notice no more. The police should do sumfink to, like, protect our work.”
“It is not like it’s RA or even the Cherry Boys, like.” said T-Bone. “They got the same probs. None of us got any, like, talent, so it all just looks like a child done it. So other kids just scratch stuff in and ruin our work. We ain‘t got nothing’ witty to say so nothin‘ makes our stuff stand out.”
T-Bone’s father said that it was time that there was more done to protect the efforts of vandals. Jeff Billingsworth is a part time street huckster on behalf of a national Accident Claim compensation firm. “My boy has the right, like, not to have his work scratched over by someone else. It’s, like, defacement. Cos it is simple it’s, like, being copied. There is laws against copyin’ stuff. I know ’cos I was done for selling dodgy DVDs last month.”
“We need to get together, like, T-Block, RA and even the Cherry Boys with their gay name,” said Mr Billingsworth who plans to take his case up with Bexley council and is asking for help from other concerned parents in the area, especially as the council insists on a written query.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Devastation following ALF attack on small village
It is a scene of devastation and despair. Some residents of the once sleepy little village sit on the roadside in the torn clothing, others stagger amongst the rubble of their once picturesque houses searching for loved ones or what is left of their belongings. An injured driver sits on the curb next to the burnt out remains of his upturned Hackney Carriage.
“I had just got a new electric motor for it.” sighed Mr Snuggles the taxi’s owner.
The gated community lies in tatters. The once impregnable walls have crude holes cut in them, roofs lie upturned or smashed next to the once pristine buildings they covered.
The Animal Liberation Front today claimed responsibility for the attack on the Guinea Pig village featured in the Egg Money TV commercials. A statement on their website reads:-
“Today we took a bold move to liberate three dozen rodents from their inhumane torture and set them free into the countryside surrounding the warehouse in which their prison camp had been created. These animals can now run free, foraging and living as nature intended.”
Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, one of the lead testers at the Egg Research Lab where the Guinea Pig village was located, spoke to the press today. “The Guinea Pigs were happy. They had jobs, nicely heated homes and a plentiful supply of food. They had their choice of clothing and we rarely intervened in how they used our financial products. Some of them had some bad taste in interior décor and their computers really needed updating, but it all seemed so peaceful. Then last night a dozen masked intruders armed with cricket bats broke in through the warehouse windows and started to smash the models. Obviously some of the guinea pigs have escaped. We worry for them as they have never had to catch their own food or dig their own burrows. Also, their Egg cards won’t work in full sized cash machines.”
A masked member of the ALF, armed with a cricket bat, sent a video message to BBC News 24.
“They don’t tell you about the Guinea Pigs injured by dropped pencils do they? Egg don’t tell you about the two gay guinea pigs forced into a life of debt by the mounting credit card payments do they? What about those who buy nice big hats instead of making sure the baby guinea pigs get enough seed? Mr Snuggles will at least be able to claim on the insurance of his taxi and use that to stave off Egg’s repossession as he has fallen behind with his mortgage payments. Or at least he would if I hadn’t trodden on his house last night.”
“I had just got a new electric motor for it.” sighed Mr Snuggles the taxi’s owner.
The gated community lies in tatters. The once impregnable walls have crude holes cut in them, roofs lie upturned or smashed next to the once pristine buildings they covered.
The Animal Liberation Front today claimed responsibility for the attack on the Guinea Pig village featured in the Egg Money TV commercials. A statement on their website reads:-
“Today we took a bold move to liberate three dozen rodents from their inhumane torture and set them free into the countryside surrounding the warehouse in which their prison camp had been created. These animals can now run free, foraging and living as nature intended.”
Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, one of the lead testers at the Egg Research Lab where the Guinea Pig village was located, spoke to the press today. “The Guinea Pigs were happy. They had jobs, nicely heated homes and a plentiful supply of food. They had their choice of clothing and we rarely intervened in how they used our financial products. Some of them had some bad taste in interior décor and their computers really needed updating, but it all seemed so peaceful. Then last night a dozen masked intruders armed with cricket bats broke in through the warehouse windows and started to smash the models. Obviously some of the guinea pigs have escaped. We worry for them as they have never had to catch their own food or dig their own burrows. Also, their Egg cards won’t work in full sized cash machines.”
A masked member of the ALF, armed with a cricket bat, sent a video message to BBC News 24.
“They don’t tell you about the Guinea Pigs injured by dropped pencils do they? Egg don’t tell you about the two gay guinea pigs forced into a life of debt by the mounting credit card payments do they? What about those who buy nice big hats instead of making sure the baby guinea pigs get enough seed? Mr Snuggles will at least be able to claim on the insurance of his taxi and use that to stave off Egg’s repossession as he has fallen behind with his mortgage payments. Or at least he would if I hadn’t trodden on his house last night.”
Thursday, December 07, 2006
4x4 vehicles “demonstrate penis envy”
Published today are the findings into a study on the motivations of 4x4 drivers. The surge in the numbers of these urbanised off road vehicles has prompted many theories into the merits or otherwise of these behemoths of private transportation. The report details a direct link between the 4x4 and sexuality.
“The motor car is a representation of our public image and a projection of our ego,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, leader of the research team. “It has long been accepted that the car represents the silent projection of our ego to strangers. Feminists for years have pointed to the psychological projection of the big powerful sports car as compensation for men who may feel threatened about the prowess of their manhood. Our new study shows that indeed this trend continues with 4x4 vehicles.”
“The 4x4 represents a bullying, macho presence on the road. It intimidates other road users and is territorial in its selfish use of resources. Clearly attributes associated with Testosterone driven masculine behaviour,” alleged Professor Billingsworth. “However, the demographic of the 4x4 driver shows normal occupancy to be by a mother on the school run and then heading off to the shops. Without a doubt these drivers are suffering from penis envy.”
Charlie Billingsworth of the Merged Union of Feminist Fellowships responded. “What rubbish, sports cars being penis extensions is scientific fact. The idea that women drivers of off-road vehicles are somehow in need of extra strength and assertiveness, needing to penetrate the traffic with impunity by a powerful, imposing, presence that is wider and longer than anything else on the road ….. Oh.” blushed Ms Billingsworth. “I see. Well he would say that wouldn’t he? He drives a Ford Probe.”
“The motor car is a representation of our public image and a projection of our ego,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, leader of the research team. “It has long been accepted that the car represents the silent projection of our ego to strangers. Feminists for years have pointed to the psychological projection of the big powerful sports car as compensation for men who may feel threatened about the prowess of their manhood. Our new study shows that indeed this trend continues with 4x4 vehicles.”
“The 4x4 represents a bullying, macho presence on the road. It intimidates other road users and is territorial in its selfish use of resources. Clearly attributes associated with Testosterone driven masculine behaviour,” alleged Professor Billingsworth. “However, the demographic of the 4x4 driver shows normal occupancy to be by a mother on the school run and then heading off to the shops. Without a doubt these drivers are suffering from penis envy.”
Charlie Billingsworth of the Merged Union of Feminist Fellowships responded. “What rubbish, sports cars being penis extensions is scientific fact. The idea that women drivers of off-road vehicles are somehow in need of extra strength and assertiveness, needing to penetrate the traffic with impunity by a powerful, imposing, presence that is wider and longer than anything else on the road ….. Oh.” blushed Ms Billingsworth. “I see. Well he would say that wouldn’t he? He drives a Ford Probe.”
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Brand aims to be ultimate TV brand
The race to be this year’s “face of everything” has heated up with the announcement that Russell Brand is to host Channel 4‘s “Top 100 cheap clips“ to be shown on Boxing Day. Brand who is currently found on TV, Radio, stage, DVD, boxer shorts and a new range of Pooper-Scoopers is said to be gearing up to challenge the long time holders of over exposure, Ant & Dec, head on.
However it is a challenge fraught with risk. Previous champions of TV ubiquity, such as Jimmy Carr, warn that is not an easy road. “We can’t all aspire to the longevity of Sir Terry Wogan, the master of being on everything,” commented Jimmy during a break in hosting the Buckinghamshire Best Mortgage Sales Advisor Awards 2006. “One moment you are on game shows or “Top 50 Cheese Night” , the next you are handing out the award for ‘Best FSA compliant sub-prime Equity Release‘ whatever that is.” warned Mr Carr. “Still there is always an opportunity for a joke about gypsies.”
Indeed Mr Carr’s words were echoed by previous champions. Julian Clary advised Mr Brand “A chance like this only comes once, so he had best make a good fist of it”. A spokesman for Graham Norton commented today, from a chat-room on Yahoo.com. “If u av a career based on just ur personality then it can gr8 on the public v quickly L . De public goes off n dat can take u by surprise. From behind“.
All hope may not be lost should Brand‘s career follow those of Carr, Norton or Clary. Aside from the stalwarts of yesteryear, such as Wogan, Edmonds, and O’Conner, past holders of the crown of ubiquity have managed a come back from the panto circuit and into the mainstream media - as Tony Slattery’s well received sitcom on Radio Four has shown.
Brand could do well to listen to those whose high heeled boots have trodden the path before him. “It’ll take more than just a distinctive hairdo to take on Ant & Dec and survive.” commented Chris Evans.
However it is a challenge fraught with risk. Previous champions of TV ubiquity, such as Jimmy Carr, warn that is not an easy road. “We can’t all aspire to the longevity of Sir Terry Wogan, the master of being on everything,” commented Jimmy during a break in hosting the Buckinghamshire Best Mortgage Sales Advisor Awards 2006. “One moment you are on game shows or “Top 50 Cheese Night” , the next you are handing out the award for ‘Best FSA compliant sub-prime Equity Release‘ whatever that is.” warned Mr Carr. “Still there is always an opportunity for a joke about gypsies.”
Indeed Mr Carr’s words were echoed by previous champions. Julian Clary advised Mr Brand “A chance like this only comes once, so he had best make a good fist of it”. A spokesman for Graham Norton commented today, from a chat-room on Yahoo.com. “If u av a career based on just ur personality then it can gr8 on the public v quickly L . De public goes off n dat can take u by surprise. From behind“.
All hope may not be lost should Brand‘s career follow those of Carr, Norton or Clary. Aside from the stalwarts of yesteryear, such as Wogan, Edmonds, and O’Conner, past holders of the crown of ubiquity have managed a come back from the panto circuit and into the mainstream media - as Tony Slattery’s well received sitcom on Radio Four has shown.
Brand could do well to listen to those whose high heeled boots have trodden the path before him. “It’ll take more than just a distinctive hairdo to take on Ant & Dec and survive.” commented Chris Evans.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
It is Christmas 1982 - still
Conventional wisdom says that Christmas comes earlier every year. Shop shelves start to fill with festive food as soon as Halloween is over and the decorations start appearing before the smoke has cleared from Bonfire Night. However research from the University of Liverpool to the East of the University of West Liverpool have discovered that Christmas has actually come no earlier this year than in the last quarter of a century - we are still in the 1982 Christmas season!
“The going in assumption for our research had been that Christmas is getting earlier, as sure as policeman are getting younger but the more we looked the more we realised that we could not see where one Christmas season ended and another began, “ explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth upon the publication of his team’s findings. “We traced this all the way back to 1982, it is surprising but it is true”.
The report shows that in the Christmas of 1982: the news was filled with stories about Princess Diana, the aftermath of a mysterious assassination in London and a violation of privacy of the Royal household; the country was ruled by an unpopular government and was at war with a far off country; a Beatles hits album was riding high in the charts; the top toy was a puzzle that amused adults and children alike; there was conflict in the Lebanon and Noel Edmonds was a TV favourite; there was also an affectionate relationship between an older US President and the British Prime Minister.
“Christmas 1982 is much like Christmas 2006 in cultural terms,” continued Professor Billingsworth, “Indeed if you look at the trend over the intervening years you’ll see that those themes run right through.”
However whilst it appears as though we are all living in some bleak “Ground Hog Day” simply warming up the same cultural meal like Boxing Day left-overs the researchers revealed bright new hope for 2007.
“2007 is the year that this trend will be broken. Music will finally enter the electro-techno pop envisaged by 1980s Sci-Fi, nuclear fusion power will be come a reality; breakthroughs will be made in treatment of cancer. Princess Diana will have been conclusively and finally laid to rest and Noel Edmonds will leave our TV screens following the inevitable beard trimmer incident. These coupled with the realisation of cheap trips into Space will see a happier and more prosperous Christmas 2007 for all, “ announced Billingsworth during drinks at the post launch party.
“No, I am kidding. It will be the same old stuff until the cultural shock that accompanies the Alien landings of 2009.”
“The going in assumption for our research had been that Christmas is getting earlier, as sure as policeman are getting younger but the more we looked the more we realised that we could not see where one Christmas season ended and another began, “ explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth upon the publication of his team’s findings. “We traced this all the way back to 1982, it is surprising but it is true”.
The report shows that in the Christmas of 1982: the news was filled with stories about Princess Diana, the aftermath of a mysterious assassination in London and a violation of privacy of the Royal household; the country was ruled by an unpopular government and was at war with a far off country; a Beatles hits album was riding high in the charts; the top toy was a puzzle that amused adults and children alike; there was conflict in the Lebanon and Noel Edmonds was a TV favourite; there was also an affectionate relationship between an older US President and the British Prime Minister.
“Christmas 1982 is much like Christmas 2006 in cultural terms,” continued Professor Billingsworth, “Indeed if you look at the trend over the intervening years you’ll see that those themes run right through.”
However whilst it appears as though we are all living in some bleak “Ground Hog Day” simply warming up the same cultural meal like Boxing Day left-overs the researchers revealed bright new hope for 2007.
“2007 is the year that this trend will be broken. Music will finally enter the electro-techno pop envisaged by 1980s Sci-Fi, nuclear fusion power will be come a reality; breakthroughs will be made in treatment of cancer. Princess Diana will have been conclusively and finally laid to rest and Noel Edmonds will leave our TV screens following the inevitable beard trimmer incident. These coupled with the realisation of cheap trips into Space will see a happier and more prosperous Christmas 2007 for all, “ announced Billingsworth during drinks at the post launch party.
“No, I am kidding. It will be the same old stuff until the cultural shock that accompanies the Alien landings of 2009.”
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Feminists demand more objectification
In a surprise move a leading feminist group announced that it would be launching a campaign in supporting the increased objectification of women by the media.
The Merged Union of Feminist Fellowships will be holding rallies outside branches of WH Smiths and other prominent newsagents to complain about the portrayal of women in periodicals such as Heat, More, Closer, Now and all tabloid newspapers.
“Many people now think enough is enough, “said Union representative Charlie Billingsworth from her office in Watford. “For years we have campaigned for women to be considered as more than pretty adornments. We have urged society to want to get to know the person within the feminine body. It has gone too far now as we are swamped with a deluge of endless minutia about the daily lives of people who are famous for wearing a hat, for being thick or for sleeping with a footballer. Please, lets treat WAGs and It-girls as objects and put them away. Lets not learn anything more about their meaningless existences or the fact that on occasion they drink coffee.”
Ms Billingsworth denied there will be any mass burnings of tabloid magazines or newspapers or any coordinated attempt to remove them from shop’s shelves. However she did confirm that there would be organised protests at live events of future reality shows such as the next series of Big Brother. “For heaven’s sake people, please get over Nikki Grahame. Apart from anything else she is quite ugly.” she added.
The Merged Union of Feminist Fellowships will be holding rallies outside branches of WH Smiths and other prominent newsagents to complain about the portrayal of women in periodicals such as Heat, More, Closer, Now and all tabloid newspapers.
“Many people now think enough is enough, “said Union representative Charlie Billingsworth from her office in Watford. “For years we have campaigned for women to be considered as more than pretty adornments. We have urged society to want to get to know the person within the feminine body. It has gone too far now as we are swamped with a deluge of endless minutia about the daily lives of people who are famous for wearing a hat, for being thick or for sleeping with a footballer. Please, lets treat WAGs and It-girls as objects and put them away. Lets not learn anything more about their meaningless existences or the fact that on occasion they drink coffee.”
Ms Billingsworth denied there will be any mass burnings of tabloid magazines or newspapers or any coordinated attempt to remove them from shop’s shelves. However she did confirm that there would be organised protests at live events of future reality shows such as the next series of Big Brother. “For heaven’s sake people, please get over Nikki Grahame. Apart from anything else she is quite ugly.” she added.
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