Survey finds Ben 10 Ultimate Omnitrix “best educational toy this Christmas”

As retailers across the land attempt to convince us that they are reluctantly just satisfying the huge demand for Christmas sections in summer, a new survey has revealed the must-have new educational toys that will be available this year.

“The results really are both interesting and unexpected,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth the famed behavioural scientist presenting the survey at a press conference today. “We asked lots of randomly selected, independent visitors to our website which gifts had the most educational value. Turns out that Ben 10 won by a long way.”

The survey, which all children taking the survey said should be “like really totally reported in next weekend’s Sunday papers”, was conducted by the children’s education specialist website, “buytoys4kids.com”. It asked all visitors under 15 to rate the likely Christmas best sellers in terms of their educational value.

“I think that the Ben 10 Lego Swampfire will help me understand the environmental impact of the oil spill in Florida,” said Callum, aged 12. “And anyway Kyle hasn’t got it and will be dead jealous.”

Professor Billingsworth, hired to help newspaper Journalists, who may suffer from being Humanities graduates, fully understand the scientific background of the survey, said that in fact Ben 10 was by far and away the leading educational toy for years.

“Well the first 5 places have been taken up with Ben 10 toys. And places 6 and 8,” said Billingsworth. “The Big Chill Lego figure is especially educational at just £10.97 with free P&P.”

buytoys4kids.com celebrated the results of the survey by offering an Animal Welfare pack that includes the “My Little Pony Show Stable” for all purchases over £50.

“Christmas 2010 is going to be the most educational yet,” said Professor Billingsworth. “We have another survey that demonstrates the adult education benefit of an iPhone4. With unlimited text bundle.”

Simon Cowell to launch new range of “X Factor fanny hammers”

Simon Cowell the man who revolutionised the pub karaoke market hopes to capitalise on his huge home spinster fan-base and the obvious link up with the Susan Boyle brand by launching a new range of vibrator products aimed at those who feel the urge to rage against the machine.

“We have high hopes for our XXX Factor Fanny Hammer range,” said Simon Cowell at the product unveiling. “There is a large market for such products and we feel that ours can fill that opening.”

The range comes with various features that the company believes will help them achieve maximum penetration with the target demographic. The basic entry model comes with both a variable speed and a hammer action, whilst the X-Factor FH XL Jumbo has a Turbo Thumper mode and includes a free gum-shield to reduce teeth-rattling.

“The X-Factor deal will involve a tie-up with the spinsters' favourite contestants, each model will include an internal mp3 player pre-loaded with a selection of ballads,” said Cowell. “The speaker will be extra loud for use when the vibrator is muffled.”

Mr Cowell said that the product range would be enlarged as new openings presented themselves. One product in the pipeline is said to be moulded on Mr Cowell himself.

“Yes, there is going to be a version based upon me,” said Cowell. “This will enable women to share in the experience of the music industry, and wake up feeling the X-Factor.”

The pop-mogul brushed aside comments that his new fanny hammer division - named the XXX Factor - lacked experience in such a thrusting market.

“Well, obviously I have to use the “nose test” but, I tell you, this one sure makes it run!” he said. “However let’s be honest who should really know more about this market than me - one of the world’s leading twats.”

Re-launch of classic toy with “Rehab Sindy”

Today sees the relaunch of Sindy, the classic girl's doll from the 60s, after a £25m overhaul to bring her up to date with today's children.

“Sindy hasn’t had a major revamp since the 80s and we thought now was a time to contemporise her with today's more affluent, more trendy girl,” said Anita Billingsworth from the family toy company Billingtons Games. “We have given her body a make-over to bring out her bones a bit more and we have made her head disproportionately large for her body – for that true eating-disorder look so craved by celebrities.”

The deluxe 'Rehab Sindy' play-set will feature a doll's house design licensed from 'The Priory' as well as a model of a Range Rover and a small digital camera with built in flash. Sindy herself will have removable hair attached by Velcro for that 'psycho-Spears look' as well a craft knife for DIY tattooing and, echoing a trend in other toys, new 'Rehab Sindy' will be anatomically correct.

“Sindy's range of new accessories will include very short skirts, but of course no underwear,” said Billingsworth. “The doll contains a light sensor that makes her smile if the camera flashes up her skirt.”

The company said that Sindy's lifestyle needed to reflect that of her owner's role models to better resonate with their dreams and aspirations.

“Sindy will come in a wide range of stylings each with lots of accessories,” said Ms Billingsworth. “We are planning 'Banged by a Footballer' Sindy who only smiles if she is on the credit card, or cock, of our new 'Wayne' footballer doll.”

Referring to a recent court action from the Disney Corporation regarding copyright infringement, Anita Billingsworth said “I don't think there is anyway in which our footballer design infringes on Disney's Shrek doll.”

Hasty release of new cricket game

Billingtons Games has announced the latest version of its ever popular whodunit game - Cluedo, this time with a sporting theme - Test Match Cluedo.

"Cluedo has been thrilling generations of games players since 1948 and we feel that now is the perfect time to launch Test Match Cluedo," said Dr Noir, Head of Game Development at family firm Billingtons Games.

The game plays exactly as the traditional version of Cluedo except that the setting has changed from a manor house to an opulent cricket club with the victim now a prominent cricket coach. In addition the suspect have been renamed in favour of the nations that play in their respective colours: Australia replaces Colonel Mustard; England is Miss Scarlett; West Indies takes on the role of Professor Plum; South Africa assumes Reverend Green’s position; Mrs. White is played by Pakistan and India plays the role of Mrs. Peacock. The final change is that the candlestick and lead-pipe weapons have been replaced by a cricket bat and ball respectively.

The game has been endorsed as being the official homicide investigation game of the Jamaican Police.

Dr Noir said that the game was available to order from all good toyshops immediately and that stocks would be on the high-streets as soon as they became available. He denied that the game had been rushed out hastily.

"It was always part of the plan to have a summer release, with cricket being a summer game, he said. "It has nothing to do with any announcements from the West Indies that Bob Woolmer may have died of natural causes after all."