UEFA Allows Wayne Rooney To Be Violent Against Ukraine

European football’s governing body has upheld the Football Association’s request to allow Wayne Rooney to be violent against players from host nation Ukraine by reducing his international suspension from three games to two, meaning he could return to international thuggery for the final group game in this summer's European Championships.

“After due deliberation and taking into account Wayne’s previous record as a foul-mouthed, violent cheat in both domestic and international competitions, we have determined that the three match ban was too harsh,” said Michel Billingstini of UEFA. “It would have deprived fans in the Ukraine of that true spectacle of English football - watching Wayne stamp on their heroes’ faces.”

Many football pundits had pressed for a reduction in the sentence meted out to Rooney following his violence against Miodrag Dzudovic from Montenegro citing his previous disciplinary record and precedents of previous UEFA rulings.

“Wayne has been cheating at the highest level for years and has consistently been dismissed from pretty much every competition he has abused the match officials in,” said a member of the FA committee. “He was very disappointed with the World Cup in South Africa when he was unable to get within punching distance of an opposition player. He wants to make a great return before getting sent off against Ukraine.”

The ruling has raised hopes of England progressing from the group stages but without Rooney for the first two games there are question marks over whether the rest of the team can deliver the performance needed.

“John Terry needs to step up and deliver a good end to his international career. We know he can stick his nose within a millimetre of a player or referee’s face,” wrote one journalist. “But he might have to channel a bit of Zidane’s head-butting style if England are to kick their way through Sweden and France.”

The possibility of Rooney playing in the final group game will not just be felt in the relentless pummelling of the self-esteem of those match officials who dare to give a free-kick against the brutish centre-forward but will have repercussions in the computer games industry.

“Now we have the ruling we need to put all the motion capture and behavioural ticks of Wayne's game back into the official video game. It’s quite a psychologically damaging process for our game designers,” said one insider. “We might just put a football shirt onto a Grand Theft Auto character.”

Manchester United Release Official Team Portrait To Celebrate Historic 19th League Title

Liverpool Fans Express Their Disgust At Player's Lack Of Loyalty

Following the shock move of several millionaires from one football club paying them millions to another paying them slightly more millions many fans expressed their shock and anger at the lack of loyalty being shown

"Fernando Torres has shown absolutely no loyalty to the true fans," said one supporter. "By moving on from Liverpool to Chelsea he has once again failed to show any dedication to Athletico Madrid."

The Spanish football star followed a trail of pound notes to the Premier League in 2007, dedicating half of his 6 year contract to trying really hard to make someone give him a shiny pot with red ribbons on it before trying for one with blue ribbons. However his superstar replacement at Anfield, Luis Suarez immediately made an impact with fans.

"The boy's come straight into the side and scored on his debut after his big money transfer from Ajax, " said 60s Reds hero Tommy Billingsworth. "The disloyal Uruguayan bastard should be working hard back at Nacional."

Fans in Chelsea, where Mr Torres's trail of pound notes has lead him so far where eagerly awaiting the arrival of Britain’s most expensive player as they prepare for him to make his debut against Liverpool on Sunday.

"I've already bought my shirt with Torres' name on the back," said a Chelsea fan yesterday. "I am going to burn it just before kick-off to show the disloyal Spanish bastard how I'll feel when he leaves in a couple of years time."

A big angry man who used to be very proud to dress as a bar code at the weekend, before donning a suit to appear in court on the following Monday, was keen to emphasise his loyalty.

"Tell the fans that I have always pledged my allegiance to the Queen and am an avid collector of portraits of her," said Andy Carroll as he practiced the route between Anfield and Liverpool Crown Court. "So loyal am I that I collect 170,000 pictures of her every week."

Dalglish Denies 20 Years Away From Liverpool Means He Is Out Of Touch And Vows To Help Club Match Leeds And Crystal Palace

Former Liverpool player and managerial legend Kenny Dalglish has returned to the home of his greatest footballing triumphs after a twenty year absence. Whilst he concedes he has been out of management for over a decade he was confident of being on top of the issues facing the club.

“Liverpool is a club with a proud history and the new owners know the high expectations of the club's loyal fans all over China,” said Dalglish as he spoke to journalists upon arrival at Liverpool Home Of The Beatles John 'Beatle' Lennon International Airport. “It may be a long time since I was at the club or managing a football team, but Liverpool should be vying at the top of Division One and I hope to build a team that can at least compete with Crystal Palace for third place.”

Dalglish has said that whilst he will not be taking charge of the first team as they take on fierce rivals Manchester United in the FA Cup Third Round he will be focussing on team morale and reviewing off-field activities.

“The first thing I will be doing is making sure that the players are well looked after and their needs met,” explained Dalglish. “I'll be talking to the shirt sponsors to see about having the players' houses re-painted and I have a meeting with Vauxhall to see about getting the players leases on the new Mark 2 Vauxhall Astras.”

Dalglish arrived back in the city only a few hours after nonagenarian Roy Hodgson left the club by mutual consent, with Liverpool promising him a nice trip to the seaside today and that they would come and visit every Sunday without fail and show him how to get the Antiques Roadshow on his new digital TV.

“The previous manager was a man of integrity and dignity, as well as a reliable source of Werther's Originals,” said Dalglish. “But today's modern game needs more than that, it needs someone who can relate to today's players and their celebrity lifestyles. This is why I am arranging for the team to meet chart-topper Chesney Hawkes at half time.”

Liverpool's owners, New England Sports Ventures, have demonstrated that they are not prepared to let any management issues linger after releasing their old manager, old Roy 'Old Man' Hodgson, after just seven months in charge. It is rumoured that should the situation at Liverpool Football Club degenerate any further they will send a taxi for Paul Gascoigne to bring over some beers and a fishing-rod.

Football “missing out on tragedies”

The Football Association today issued a statement urging teams and players to forge ever more tenuous links with community tragedies, such as missing people or murders. Following a peak in the early part of the 21st century the number of minutes silence observed at the start of matches has dropped alarmingly.


“The Premier League is the best in the world for aligning itself to tragedies such as loss in the community - whichever community that is - but the teams need to keep that momentum up that has been built up in the last two decades. In the week following 9/11 I must have attended at least 6 minutes silences, but this season I've sat through dozens of games this season and seen nothing but football,” said FA spokesman Richard Billingsworth. “All that the teams used to need was a picture of a missing child in a football kit and they would arrange a for a player to mow the parent's lawn.”

The FA is concerned that recent high-profile murders or the search for missing persons have not caused any overt reaction from the teams.

“Christmas is a period with a lot of high-profile matches shown on the TV all over the world, yet the people of China had no cause to look at their watches angrily as the players stood around the centre circle for no good reason,” said Billingsworth. “Children's role models need to be on display to maximise the sales opportunities for club remembrance packages.”

The FA was said to be further dismayed that the electronic advertising around Premier League pitches has not been used to show any pictures of pretty blonde missing girls for some time. However, despite recent poor performance, the association still had some dependable resources to fall back on.

“Well, we in the FA, still have one area where we can rely on the standards to be maintained,” revealed Billingsworth. “We have got the England national side, which is a continual source of national tragedy.”

Football World Alarmed That Next England Manager Will Speak English

Panic has set in the Premier League with players and managers seeking intensive English lessons from language tutors following the summer announcement that the next England manager will speak English.

“It’s calmed down, the media storm, now that the first euro-qualifier is ‘belted under’ as he would say. The Manager,” said a leading commentator. “But they’ve gone on with their lessons. The players. For when he fails and he replaces him. Capello.”

Despite some initial coyness about the nature of their training a few of the leading players wanted to emphasise that a place in the England squad was important to them.

“At my age I know it’s going to be difficult for me but I have every intention of earning my place in the dugout,” said David Beckham speaking to BBC 5 live. “But I have never had to learn a language before and now I do."

There are concerns among players and staff who are worried that learning English may result in a generation of players unable to communicate with their fans.

“I am sick as parrot,” exclaimed Harry Redknapp blowing the whistle on the FA. "Why us!! When they (the FA) don't speak English too good or nothin’"

“The moon, she is under me,” cheered Professor Guido Billingsworthski from the Oxford Linguistic Studies College, situated above the Bentley dealership, who was delighted to have been engaged by several players. “I am here to help every peoples turn the new leaf,” he explained. “It’s a simple case of crossing the I's and dotting the T's".

Peter Crouch is the first player to turn to the Billingsworthski academy following the recent confusion over his attempts to acquire some gardening equipment.

“I got home late and realised that I need to turn over some sod in the garden,” said Crouch. “That was why I went to get a Hoe. In Madrid,” he explained. “So I don’t want that to happen again, because I have to get Four Candles next week. From a Thai brothel.”

England captain Stephen Gerrard has leapt in support of beleaguered manager Fabio Capello by insisting that there has been no communication breakdown and the squad is fully committed to the nation.

“I want him to stay,” insisted Gerrard. “We fully understand that If we stand still we will end up being backward”.

From our English-as-a-second-language reporter Shivriano

Wayne Rooney upset fans realise he’s not good enough to play for Portsmouth or West Brom

Computer game salesman Wayne Rooney was today left reeling from the revelation that his dreams of World Cup stardom may exist only on the Playstation after once again being comprehensively outplayed by players of English Championship standard in South Africa.

“We’ve had two hard games now and in each I’ve had to play against lower division opposition. The lad from Portsmouth had me in his pocket all night,” said Rooney following England being unable to score against the Sahara desert based country of Algeria. “It’s very frustrating, because no one ever boos me on FIFA 2010.”

Wayne Rooney was speaking after being booed off the field having failed in 3 hours of football to worry defenders from a country with no grass that has only recently stopped murdering each other over sand dunes and another that thinks you play football with your hands.

“It’s alright for the fans sitting in the stands enjoying the game. It only costs them a few grand and they can always go back to their uplifting jobs on building sites or working 9 to 5 in an office with no windows,” said Rooney. “That bloke who plays for Portsmouth outclassed me and booing just points it out to my sponsors.”

The England camp today pleaded for calm and for fans to support struggling players, such as Rooney, or the amazing disappearing Lampard, and to really get behind the team ahead of Wednesday’s must win game against the mighty Slovenia.

“It is vitally important that the fans buy as much Carlsberg beer and Mars bars as possible, because nothing motivates the boys than to know that FIFA World Cup 2010 is at the top of the XBox charts,” said an FA spokesman. “And remember everyone on the team coach is motivated marvellously when you all pay over £40 for a polyester shirt made in a Far Eastern sweat-shop.”

Reflecting on his performance Wayne Rooney promised that he had really taken on board the message that the fans had sent out by managing to boo louder than the vuvuzelas and it would lead to a definite change in his playing style.

“If I am rubbish again I’ll drop into midfield to learn from that boy who plays for West Brom and actually managed to score against Algeria, despite them having a Portsmouth defender!” said Rooney. “Normally I will only drop into midfield if we are doing badly to fully read the game as it gives me the best possible position from which to call the referee a ‘twat’.”

Hope In Search For British Boy Lost In South Africa

The team searching for Frank Lampard said that they were optimistic that some sightings in the Cape Town area may lead to re-uniting the lost Briton with his English team-mates.

“Ve have haad a few sightings on a golf course in Sun City area of a boy that loooks like Frank, but he once again disappeared,” said Wikus van der Billingswerth of the South African Police Service. “Neither did he respond to his nickname, Fat Frank.”

Frank travelled to South Africa from England with 23 other boys to play in a football tournament, however nothing had been seen of him since a photo opportunity with township children. He was expected to turn up with the rest of his team to play an over 21s team from the USA, however he completely disappeared after the 1930 kick-off in Rustenberg.

“Ve received news that little Frank had disappeared at 2045 hours on the evening of 11th June,” said Sergeant van der Billingswerth. “A few minutes later a boy answering to Frank’s appearance did apparently turn up on the football pitch, however he only blasted the ball over the bar twice before disappearing again.”

The authorities are keen to track that sky-rocket shooting boy from Saturday’s match as they believe he may hold information vital to their enquiries.

“He may know Frank Lampard's location, as they both clearly know where the Rustenberg pie shop is,” said van der Billingswerth. “If the boy had indeed missed the goal completely on five consecutive occasions then we would know for certain that we had located Frank.”

South African Police are now focussing their investigations on Cape Town where the missing boy’s team is playing tonight. Despite some curious betting patterns from an online punter known as FatBoyF - who has bet on at least five fans behind the Algerian goal having drinks knocked form their hands by wayward shots - the authorities said that they are considering the investigation into Lampard’s disappearance on Saturday to be a missing persons inquiry rather than anything more sinister.

“Ve have no suspicions of any foul play, but we are keeping a watch on Wayne Rooney in case he stamps on any children’s faces in the tunnel tonight,” said van der Billingswerth. “However we are launching an investigation to determine if Rob Green has been illegally smuggling clown shoes into South Africa.”

Tiger Woods plays around with 9 birdies

As further news of Tiger Woods “transgressions” emerged in the press, analysts and shagging pundits speculated as to whether or not the news would continue or if Tiger had got over the hump.

“For a player of Tiger's capabilities you have to wonder if there are more women to come forward,” said Peter Billingsworth, Sex analyst for Golf Monthly. “We are all, of course, expecting him to go for the full 18 holes.”

Analysts however concede that whilst Tiger has always demonstrated fantastic ball control, the pressures of his high-profile lifestyle may mean that he has been unable to play a full round whilst playing around.

“Shot after shot has shown Tiger able to get impressive elevation on his balls, and of course he has fantastic length.” said Billingsworth. “Maybe these women are all there is, but then the question is 'Did he play the back nine?”

The media has focussed on voice-mail messages left for a cocktail waitress in Las Vegas. Tiger in his press statement insists that he was helping her to swing better when he instructed her to “grip the shaft tightly”.

It seems that new opportunities are opening up for Elin Woods who famously wielded a 3 iron on the 14 time major winners car to, so the statement says, help free him from the wreckage. Mrs Woods is said to be launching a new range of Big Bertha clubs called the “Jaws of Life”.

As rumours circulate regarding the future of Woods' sponsorship deals his management team denied that he was to change his nickname from Tiger to Cheetah after the bust-up with his Swedish ex-model wife.

“It is also untrue that Mr Woods has been spotted in nightclubs around Norway as he tries to avoid the US media,” said his spokesman. “The last thing he wants is any more clubbing with Scandinavians.”

“More news is coming out all the time," added Billingsworth. "Which isn't surprising given his supreme touch in the light rough.”

England ask for place in 1986 World Cup Semi-final

The Football Association of Ireland has announced that an away draw is better than a win and asked FIFA for a place in the World Cup finals because, in Ireland at least, 33 teams can fit into 32 places.

“Ireland is the victim here – always. Now what were you going to ask me?” said Patrick O'Billingsworth of the FAI. “Oh yes the Henry hand-ball. Yes victims. And anyway, won't the colour of South Africa 2010 be enriched by a load of drunken people in green shirts who have never actually been to Ireland? No, probably not.”

The FAI said that the controversial plan will enable Ireland, and many people who occasionally have the odd pint of Guinness, to really support their side for three games before they fail to progress through their group and revert to their normal approach of buying the shirt of any nation that is playing against England.

The idea of a free place in the World Cup has inspired other associations around the world to follow the official Irish policy of 'taking the fucking piss' with the FA asking FIFA to give England a place in the semi-finals in Mexico '86.

“That's nice, apparently I was part of the England side that was absolutely knocked out of a World Cup about then by that Mr Maradona's 'Hand of God' when we were winning nil-nil, ” said Peter Shilton, now aged 94. “It really wasn't that superb solo effort a few minutes later when he shat all over our defence.”

The FA has further asked that since the rules of football seem to be just being made up on the spot that the current England side should play the Belgian side of 1986 and in Berwick on any night when the temperature is below freezing and the ground is made of artificial-hip-breaking permafrost.

“I think it's a great idea, you fucking tosser,” said Wayne Rooney stamping on a reporter's face. “I fancy going in two-footed on those Belgians, their centre-back is 103 isn't he? You twat.”

Other national associations are following suit, the Italian Football Federation are asking for a replay of the 1994 World Cup Final after they discovered that winners Brazil may also have flouted other rules not spotted by the referee on the day.

“The Brazilian side that day cheated,” said a spokesman for the FIGC. “They clearly broke the 'field a tosser called Baggio rule' which we fully complied with. For 16 fucking years.”

NEWSFLASH :
FIFA has shocked the footballing world by allowing Ireland to have a 33rd place in the 2010 World Cup draw, before subsequently banning them from the tournament for cheating - over the complete non-penalty they were given in their qualifying match against Georgia.

Thierry Henry made the Irish cheat back in February :-

Middlesbrough surprised at having to sack Gareth Southgate

The board of Middlesbrough Football Club have expressed surprise at having to sack Gareth Southgate after the team’s 2-0 victory over Derby County.

“To be honest we thought we had sacked him ages ago,” said Middlesbrough board member Steve Billingsworth. “I thought that we had just been winging it for a couple of seasons, but it turns out that he has been coming in everyday!”

Middlesbrough, another North East club notable for an unshakeable belief in its own greatness, claims that it must be looking after longer term interests than just being one point off the lead of the Championship.

“Obviously Middlesbrough is a Premier League team, the best in the world. Premier League class,” said Billingsworth. “I don’t care if that is football, or cricket in India.”

The club however has reiterated its heartfelt gratitude to Mr Southgate in the same warm and sincere tones with which it had recently backed him in the role of manager before he was sacked.

“We would like to thank Gareth for all the hard work, skill and determination that resulted in us losing more games than we won and at one point going 14 games without a win. Not to mention giving Middlesbrough a genuine chance at winning the Championship trophy thanks to our relegation,” said a statement. “Without doubt he is a Middlesbrough man through and through.”

The statement continued that Southgate was always welcome at the Riverside Stadium since “we really need some bums on seats. And he is fully qualified.”

As is the custom, rumours are now circulating as to who the new manager of such a massive club will be.

“I have seen a former candidate for manager of England looking at adverts in a newsagent’s window in Coulby Newham,” said one fan. Another reported seeing a currently unemployed Scottish manager talking to his former goal-keeping coach while they “queued to buy 4-weekly saver bus tickets for the Teeside zone.”

FA rules that Londoners are incapable of civilised behaviour

The Football Association has ruled that Londoners supporting Arsenal Football Club do not have to behave themselves, especially when confronted by a man of African origin, possibly wearing a blue shirt. The ruling came as part of their suspended match ban of Manchester City’s Emmanuel Adebayor for opening his arms in front of a Londoner.

“The FA has ruled that in no way is it reasonable to expect a Londoner, possibly wearing a red shirt, to control their natural desire to riot when provoked by a black man in a blue shirt,” said a statement. “The normal behavioural expectation when encountering Londoners should to assume they are aggressive beasts and the African gentlemen should have known not to kneel in front of them. We have to make allowances for Londoners being unable to sit down and shut the fuck up.”

The FA said it was clear that the Londoners had suffered unduly from extreme provocation. According to a report they had endured sitting on a train that did not go underground and may only have been drinking since six in the morning, as opposed to their normal workday start.

“It is quite clear that most of these Londoners suffer from learning difficulties,” continued the FA statement. “You only have to listen to them and their limited speech capability. They have an impenetrable language based upon a very restricted alphabet.”

It is believed that your average Londoner has yet to make sense of concepts the rest of us take for granted such as “enjoying a football match” and “not ripping up the seats”.

The judgement is a sad indictment of the state of the modern Londoner, but comes only a few months after a large number of the beasts were sanctioned following a Carling Cup match at Upton Park when thousands of Londoners decided to shit on their own doorstep.

“We are introducing a new, simple, ‘Dictionary for Londoners’ with plenty of pictures,” said the FA. “To help them understand some of the concepts of the modern world that are alien to them.”

Entries include:-

Allegiance
Kissing a badge on a football shirt is not legally binding.

Loyalty
When a foreign gentlemen travel thousands of miles to play football for huge sums of money, it is very likely he may travel a few hundred miles for even more. He didn’t come to your city for the jellied eels and that lovable way you call everyone a cunt.

More Record success for "tying a child to something"

Enthusiasts for tying children to things were today celebrating another milestone in passive record breaking by arbitrarily young people following the announcement of the country’s youngest “skydiver”.

“This really is great news,” said Bill Billingsworth, children binding enthusiast and part time caring parent. “It really shows that there are no limits to what a child can be tied to for the aggrandisement of adult egos.”

Tom Hayes, 7, became Britain’s youngest Skydiver when his parents allowed him to be tied to a stranger and flung out of a plane.

“This pushes the envelope, previous child tying records of been to inanimate objects at least controlled by responsible family members,” said Billingsworth. “The minimum age for jumping in the UK is 16 whereas in Slovenia neither the state nor the parents give a shit.”

Tom’s sister Lucy was unable to take the record from her brother since she is eight. She had to console herself with being Britain’s youngest female “skydiver”.

“Young Lucy should not be too upset,” said Billingsworth. “She is sure to be tied to something in the future and find 15 minutes of Internet fame.”

Record success for "tying a child to something"

News that Tiger Brewer has, at 8 years old, become the youngest person to be strapped to the wing of a plane has been warmly welcomed by “child-tying-up” enthusiasts around the world.

“We are confident that now the sub-ten year old taboo for strapping a child to something has been broken we can perhaps have a crack at the world record for the youngest person to be strapped to a phone box,” said child-tying-up enthusiast, Bill Billingsworth. “Or perhaps strapping them in a car seat using some sort of belt? The exciting possibilities to tie children up to something that is outside of their control anyway are endless.”

Tiger Brewer “walked” a total distance of zero feet from his stationary starting position – strapped in a harness in the middle of the wing - watched on by his sisters, Star and Flame. This equals the current best for modern wing walking since the technical variation “Being Strapped To a Plane” replaced the more conventional “Moving About Untethered” that many lay people associate with traditional wing WALKING.

“Strapping people to the wing is the modern way,” said Tiger’s father Happy Birthday Brewer. “There are only the same forms to fill in for a Health and Safety Assessment as for sitting in a plane. Which is about as risky.”

Tiger has practised hard to get the record for the youngest person Being Strapped To a Plane a task that involves standing up, aided, and perhaps wearing goggles.

“His preparation for Being Strapped To a Plane involved going out on a windy day in just a t-shirt,” said Tiger’s ridiculously named mother, Zoe. “He also managed to watch a whole episode of ‘Road Wars’ standing up.”

Child welfare enthusiasts have expressed their views on the issue regarding tying a child to a large and otherwise immovable object and the effect it could have on long term development.

“It’s great, as a parent you don’t know how great it is to strap a child to something like the 'Climbié Pole',” said Bill Billingsworth. “I have really developed my bluffing skills playing Texas Hold ‘em online - whilst the kids are tied up in the garden.”

Football legend Sir Bobby Robson dies – The Sun calls on him to resign

Remembering footballing legend Sir Bobby Robson, the nation’s newspapers today mark the occasion by reproducing some of their most memorable quotes from his career that they littered with abuse and even accusations of treachery.

“’In the name of God, Go!’” was one of our headlines from a few years back,” said Harry Billingsworth, thirsty football hack and Donkey Porn aficionado at The Sun. “That was when Robson was at his best for us journalists.”

Pundits were not always so one sided in their treatment of an England manager too much of a gentleman to hit back. Indeed a different approach was taken when England drew with Saudi Arabia.

“Both us at the Super-Soaraway Sun and those guys at The Daily Mirror changed our approach significantly after that,” said Billingsworth. “We went with ‘In the name of Allah, Go!”.”

Over time the press came to further modify its approach to an England manager that many consider the most successful ever, taking England to a narrow defeat in a Word Cup semi-final penalty shoot-out.

“Brilliant doesn’t describe that match,” said Billingsworth. “To take the World Cup winners to a penalty shoot-out was fantastic. Almost made me feel sorry for my massive ‘Plonker!’ headline of a couple of years earlier. But not really.”

But, even as time passes and the same newspapers that heaped so much abuse in death now lead with lavish tributes to Robson, who sadly lost his fifth battle with cancer at the age of 76 this week, the more senior journalists remember him at the peak of his career.

“You can never forget some of the great times that we gave Bobby, we hounded him for years to quit as England manager,” said Billingsworth/ “And when he took the job at PSV Eindhoven we accused him of treachery. Great days!”

Scores of fans made their own tearful tributes to Sir Bobby at Newcastle United’s St James’s Park stadium, with many fans laying memorial tributes of shirts, flowers and banners.

“I were so shocked to hear of Sir Bobby’s passing, like,” said one tearful man dressed as a barcode. “I was having two weeks off work ‘cos some website said I might have Swine Flu and wanted to just lay a momento from the 2003/2004 season when the Toon Army should’ve won the World Cup,” he added laying down a handmade banner reading ‘Sack Robson NOW!’.

Retro memorabilia of Sir Bobby is something that the newspapers are also considering producing. The Sun newspaper said that the timing of Sir Bobby’s death was perfect for them to hand out more “Sack Robson!” badges from 1984.

Sorrow on Tyneside as prestigious retirement home closes

There were complaints yesterday as one of the world’s leading retirement homes closed, forcing many who hope to see out their remaining time to begin making alternative arrangements.

"With Newcastle United now relegated to the Championship, those members of footballing society hoping to pass their remaining years in comfort will have to move on to pastures new," said Jimmy Billingsworth of the Newcastle Chronicle. "Although it is difficult to see where else some of these old boys can have an occasional light stroll in the park and command over £100k per week for doing it."

Inhabitants of "St James’ Retirement Park" have expressed their frustration and dedicated their futures to the one true home prepared to pay them £100k a week for doing sweet FA.

"I really want to stay in the area," said a Mr Barton, who has only been able to spend about 75 minutes outside in the fresh air all year, having recently been transferred from his previous care home of Strangeways prison. "I love the North East and can’t see me wanting to leave to break other player’s legs anywhere else."

Fellow pensioner, Mark Viduka, 87, said that he was dedicated to continuing doing as little in the North East of England as possible: "I have spent a quiet retirement in Middlesbrough and a lovely time doing nothing in Newcastle. I want to live within about a 10 minute drive of work, because I don’t run for much more than that during an actual game."

One of the most high profile residents of the retirement home said that he was exploring other options but is dedicated to using his remaining years to extract the maximum out of Newcastle United’s bankers’ careers.

"I have left other clubs, such as that red one in Liverpool, because I wanted to win the Champion’s League or at least something spelled like it," said Mr Owen, 82, from his Newcastle home, in Cheshire. "I hope I can still fulfil my dream of huge amounts of cash now that Newcastle have qualified for the Championship League."

Well-wishers of the St James’ Park Retirement Home said that it was a sign of the times and were stereotypically stoic about the whole situation.

"It is an absolute disaster for the biggest club in the world, like," sobbed Alan "King Kevin" Keegan Donnelly-McPartlin, dressed like a 6ft tall crying barcode. "But I dinnae see any reason why a few seasons in a lower division should stop us winning the 2010 World Cup or the Winter Olympics, like."

One Manchester United fan punched, several million waiting in trepidation

Police are investigating allegations that a fan of Manchester United football club was punched in the face by the manager of Inter Milan, Jose Mourinho, after the Italian club’s Champions’ League defeat.

"We can confirm we are investigating an incident involving between a fan and a visiting Portuguese gentleman that occurred in the vicinity of Old Trafford stadium," said a spokesman for Greater Manchester Police. "It is an investigation complicated by the fact that Manchester United fans have been ‘asking for it’ for quite some time."

The fan, who has not been identified but allegedly comes from Surrey, or Bristol or some other suburb of Manchester and is said to have supported the Red Devils since football began in 1992.

"United are a side likely to attract this level of animosity being the most successful team in the history of football," said Sterling Billingsworth, Sky Sports football historian. "They have won 10 of the 16 top flight titles since the game was invented in July 1991."

A look through the Sky Sports Football Almanac will confirm that Manchester United indeed hold a pre-eminent place in the statistics, since records began in August 1991.

"United have won both the FIFA Most Unspeakable Shit Award and UEFA Award for Despicable Cheating in 2008 and the Football Writers Award for Thuggery and Stamping on no fewer than five occasions since the football universe blinked into existence in that glorious summer of ‘91" said Billingsworth. "Indeed even the Players’ Diver of Year award has gone to men from United nine times in football history. No, wait, two of them were from somewhere called Newcastle."

Police say that such an assault on a Manchester United fan could happen anywhere in Britain as they are as likely to live in Milton Keynes or Orpington as anywhere else. However they stress that they are held with singular esteem by rival football fans.

"When there is a funeral of a United fan in places such as Eastbourne or Exeter, they are well attended," said the spokesman. "Often fans of local clubs will comment that Manchester United fans are alright, deep down."

Arsene Wenger to watch live Arsenal matches on TV: “fed up not seeing incidents on pitch”

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is to stop attending football matches after yet again being unable to view the action on the pitch. Previously Mr Wenger had complained about the visibility at Arsenal's Emirates stadium but has now vowed to watch all matches, home and away, from the comfort of his own sofa.

"I have been unable to see any of the action for years," said Wenger after Arsenal's goalless draw with London rivals Tottenham Hotspur. "The only action in the Spurs game was Emmanuel Eboue's sending off, and I couldn't see it because someone stood up in front of me."

The diminutive Mr Wenger, 6ft 4in, said he has long struggled to see games, often missing the key moments involving his player's lack of discipline and has repeatedly asked for a booster cushion, or perhaps a step-ladder, to be installed in the Arsenal dugout.

Arsenal said that they believed the long-standing issues of Mr Wenger being able to see anything that happens on the pitch had been solved by the design of the home dugout at their new Emirates stadium where, unlike Highbury, the manager’s seat faces the pitch. Although they conceded there was still the issue of the pillar that drops directly into Wenger’s eye line at the moment an Arsenal player pulls out a knife.

"Every game is the same, it is getting embarrassing having to admit in interviews that I didn't see an incident involving one of my players trying to take an opponent's head off," said Mr Wenger. "However just at the crucial moment someone always stands in front of me, or the bloke with the big hat returns to his seat."

Mr Wenger said that it had happened so many times that people simply do not believe him any more when he says he didn’t see an incident and that the away match at Spurs was the last game he would be attending live.

"People were barely hiding their laughter when I said that I hadn't seen the Eboue incident but it is true," said the Frenchman. "I couldn't believe it when the blimp landed on the touchline and the bloke with the big-afro hairdo got out and sat down in front of me. Again."

Cristiano Ronaldo pleads “the tunnel should lose its licence”

After the Portugal and Manchester United superstar, Cristiano Ronaldo, wrote off his Ferrari a statement released through his solicitors called for the tunnel to receive the strongest punishment possible.

"My client, Mr Ronaldo, wishes to make it clear that he was making a clean pass through the tunnel at thirty miles per hour," said Archibald Billingsworth QC, speaking on behalf of vast quantities of cash. "From nowhere, and without provocation the tunnel came right across my client’s car causing it to spin wildly and roll along the carriageway at least a dozen times."

The European Player of the Year called for greater use of instant CCTV replay by Greater Manchester Police and the prosecution of the Italian sportscar manufacturer, Ferrari.

"My client would also like to request for future use of instant CCTV replays," said Billingsworth. "If they had been used by officials they would have seen the blow to his face that he sustained from the 599 GTB’s airbag."

CCTV footage that has been released shows Mr Ronaldo leaving his wrecked car clutching his head and chest before kneeling down and pleading with traffic police that the tunnel should be cautioned.

"I would also like to take this opportunity to state that whilst my client did initially complain that he had a fractured skull, had lost 15 teeth, had sustained 42 broken ribs and a broken leg," said Billingsworth. "He found 10 seconds after emergency services arrived that he was in fact perfectly fine and able to proceed on with his day as though nothing had happened."

The CCTV footage shows that Ronaldo received the support of fellow motorists. Many drivers of red cars stopped and screamed abuse at the tunnel wall and shouted to a local policeman to state that his parents were not married at the time of his birth. Those in blue cars simply appeared to make "wanker" signs at the Manchester United midfielder as they drove past.

A spokeswoman for Manchester United said that the club had been in contact with their player to provide counselling.

"We spoke to Cristiano and told him to be thankful the incident happened in England, since the tunnels in Spain are much more dangerous, the walls are in fact harder and the whole thing probably smells of wee," she said. "So it’s best he doesn’t sign for Real Madrid."

Following the spectacular performance Greater Manchester Police have signed a £120m deal for live streaming of their traffic camera feeds on ESPN Asia.

“In Sebastian I see the new me” claims Heikki Kovalainen

Formula One’s former superstar today praised new superstar, Sebestian Vettel after the German achieved his first win of the season at the Italian Grand Prix.

“Sebastian drove a good race and, in his performance I think I saw a lot of myself from races in my youth, a couple of months ago,” said Heikki Kovalainen. “Of course it will be interesting to see if he can maintain that level of performance as he matures as a racer into say his third season - which would be next year.”

The world's newspapers will carry long-lens paparazzi photographs of Sebastian’s girlfriend or wife, once the press works out who she is.

Kovalainen’s comments have echoed the feelings of many journalists from the specialist motor racing press who have toiled for several minutes to revise recent articles on the stellar prospects of Canadian Grand Prix winner Robert Kubica.

“I have just dropped an e-mail to my photo editor to get new pictures to go with the article I have just searched and replaced Kovaleinen’s name on,” said a freelance journalist. “By the way, does anyone know how to spell Vettel’s first name, is it an 'e' or an 'a' ?”

This retroactive behaviour has dismayed many of the older, more traditional journalists within the F1 village who see it as demonstrating not only a lack of knowledge of the sport but also a lazy attitude to writing.

“That’s the problem with the electronic age, these young guys don’t research their subject, but simply re-hash the same idea in a knee-jerk reaction to the last race,” said one recently retired opinion former from a weekly motor sport magazine. “The traditional way is to write a separate story tipping each of the young guys for stardom before the season starts – then just submit them when someone new wins a race.”

One editor said the practice was very frustrating but that it was in the nature of the beast for such a hyped sport that the same old stories would be re-hashed endlessly such as if Timo Glock or Adrian Sutil have a good race.

“The only saving grace is that it’s been a few years since I received any such stories about the future of Jenson Button,” he remarked.