Chilean Miners Express Sympathy For Chris Moyles

The group of miners who have been stranded underground for months, and face further months under the ground, have expressed their sympathy for millionaire DJ Chris Moyles who claims he hasn’t been paid for at least a 6 weeks.

“We are united in our sympathy for Chris, who entertains us with his comments about gays and camp people and his hurried explanations that it is just a joke,” said Sevriano Billingsweros one of the men trapped underground. “Whilst we are not like Chris, as we are talented professionals and we are not paid millions of pounds despite having identifiable talents, we too haven’t been paid for some time.”

The issue came to light after Mr Moyles deviated from the painstakingly prepared script for his show for the first 32 minutes to launch into a tirade against BBC executives claiming that they have missed one regular payment.

“To be honest we hadn’t actually realised Chris was paid at that point and are hoping previous payments were a mistake,” said a senior BBC insider. “We just assumed it was all still for Comic Relief.”

The tirade led to jammed switchboards at the BBC as millions of people phoned up to offer to fill in for Mr Moyles should the DJ find his current employment conditions intolerable.

“It must be very saddening to Chris, as we all know that he spends hours and hours preparing the script for each show,” said Jim a cab driver from South East London who listens to Moyle’s show at the end of his 12 hour night shifts. “To have to get into the chauffeur driven car each morning to take you into a plush radio studio and be fawned over by a sycophantic team and adoring public in the knowledge that there might be a delay in your regular payment schedule must be very upsetting.”

Jim, like many, has offered to stand in for the DJ for £100 a day, plus travel expenses but said that he would require some support. In addition to himself he would need someone who knew how to work the BBC radio studio printer to get the news to ensure it could be read out on time.

“It wouldn’t be easy swapping the night-club runs of Lewisham for the dangers of a breakfast show, but I would do my best,” said the cab driver. “I’d be relying on my 10 year old son for the latest in playground humour and jokes about bum bandits. Sorry just kidding I was smiling when I said it! See, I am a natural.”

The BBC denied that Mr Moyles’s job was under threat following his outburst, saying that there was always the risk of such moments with highly strung talent.

“Many people phoned in to comment on his 32 minute tirade,” said a BBC source. “Thousands said that Chris’s detailing of the administration problems that his production company is facing with the invoicing system within the BBC were the most entertaining part of this 6 year run.”

REVIEW : Bush “Presidential” Radio

Said to be the first portable radio capable of receiving AM, FM, DAB, CIA and GOD broadcasts, the “Presidential” is a recent entrant into the high-end market from the consumer electronics company Bush.

First impressions are of a retro and unsophisticated appearance, harking back to early wireless or even pre-war sensibilities. However this simplicity belies some underlying sophistication.

The device contains some of the latest station seeking technology, including a function to quickly locate the most strident of Christian broadcasts and the first commercial use of 'Wavelength Modulation Decoder' searching that will generate music to the listener's ears out of even the strongest noise. Furthermore, if you want to Blair your news out loud, it can be programmed to add a catchy back-beat to “sex up” reports.

In tests though, we felt that the audio processing of the Bush Presidential consistently enhanced the warmest sounds, making the rich richer, whilst ignoring others, and for some quality of broadcasts actually made the poor, poorer.

Whilst in many ways the controls are in keeping with the unsophisticated stylings of the Bush Presidential, we found that there are some extremely disappointing build quality issues. For example the volume control, bewilderingly labelled as the 'Loudificationator', is a basic speech processor with an extremely simplistic linear control called the 'Axis of Level'.

However the really important test is the performance of the Bush Presidential on the road. We have tested it around the world and its reception has been patchy at best. Without a doubt it performs best in North America although there are reports that after prolonged use, say about 4 years, the user may elect to choose a different station and find that the Bush Presidential refuses to leave its current position. There have also been reports from angry Presidential listeners in Latin America, especially in Cuba and Venezuela who have been frustrated by its output. We also discovered that the version of the Bush Presidential launched in late 2001 turned out to be incompatible with Europe. However, its worst reception by far was in the middle-east where its Victorian sensibilities were found to be completely inappropriate.

This poor build quality and patchy performance isn't just nit-picking either since the device does not come cheap and consumes a lot of energy – it will cost the citizen at least $87bn a year to run.

The Bush Presidential, in summary then, promised a whole new technological approach but ultimately delivered an old fashioned performance based on an out-dated design that has generated a poor reception around most of the world. It is, however, the best receiver for messages from God.

Radio wakens man from coma

Friends and family were once again overjoyed as Chris Billingsworth again regained consciousness from his coma. Chris, now 32, has been in a Persistent Vegetative State following an accident as a child.

Doctors are baffled by Chris’s condition and the regularity with which he regains consciousness, just as the family radio switches on at about 7am each morning. His conscious periods last for about 3 hours or so before he once again drifts off.

“Mostly, it is just weekdays, although quite how he knows is a mystery,” explained his sister, Juliet. “But almost without fail his eyes open and he sits up and starts talking!”

Chris’ family say that conversation can be difficult, since he has been effectively in a coma following an unfortunate swimming incident when he was 13. Doctors say his brain is fully functional, but for reasons unknown chooses to spend most of its time in a completely inactive state.

“When he first woke up, about 5 years ago, it was wonderful of course - just to see him awake.“ said Juliet. “Then we realised that whilst he is a grown man now, he hasn’t learned anything new since he was in short trousers.”

Juliet’s daughter Christine, now 13 herself, has become the link between her uncle and the rest of the family by supplying them with information that only a pubescent child would find interesting.
“Well thanks to his niece, we can keep him engaged by talking about fairly schoolyard type things. Mostly inane conversation, childish innuendo, silly games that sort of thing.” said Juliet.

Juliet said that initially the family found it trying, to balance their own lives and careers with the need to be at his bedside, to provide him with company, conversation and entertainment.

“He can be quite demanding, even more so when he is awake as he really wants to be the centre of a circle of puerile attention . But we managed to kill two birds with one stone once we got him the job presenting the radio breakfast show .”