Simon Cowell to launch new range of “X Factor fanny hammers”

Simon Cowell the man who revolutionised the pub karaoke market hopes to capitalise on his huge home spinster fan-base and the obvious link up with the Susan Boyle brand by launching a new range of vibrator products aimed at those who feel the urge to rage against the machine.

“We have high hopes for our XXX Factor Fanny Hammer range,” said Simon Cowell at the product unveiling. “There is a large market for such products and we feel that ours can fill that opening.”

The range comes with various features that the company believes will help them achieve maximum penetration with the target demographic. The basic entry model comes with both a variable speed and a hammer action, whilst the X-Factor FH XL Jumbo has a Turbo Thumper mode and includes a free gum-shield to reduce teeth-rattling.

“The X-Factor deal will involve a tie-up with the spinsters' favourite contestants, each model will include an internal mp3 player pre-loaded with a selection of ballads,” said Cowell. “The speaker will be extra loud for use when the vibrator is muffled.”

Mr Cowell said that the product range would be enlarged as new openings presented themselves. One product in the pipeline is said to be moulded on Mr Cowell himself.

“Yes, there is going to be a version based upon me,” said Cowell. “This will enable women to share in the experience of the music industry, and wake up feeling the X-Factor.”

The pop-mogul brushed aside comments that his new fanny hammer division - named the XXX Factor - lacked experience in such a thrusting market.

“Well, obviously I have to use the “nose test” but, I tell you, this one sure makes it run!” he said. “However let’s be honest who should really know more about this market than me - one of the world’s leading twats.”

Remaining Noel Gallagher music catalogue released today

Following the news that guitar band Oasis has split acrimoniously, fans will have been consoled that the remaining songs from Noel Gallagher’s future albums were today released in box-set under the title of “Beatles in Stereo”.

“This has been done to give something back to the fans that have supported Oasis over the last 15 years or so,” said pop music expert, Paul Millingsworthy. “The release of Beatles Stereo is saying ‘This is what you would have heard anyway’.”

The band has made headlines throughout its history with several members, including the Gallagher brothers themselves, leaving and rejoining at several times and it is not clear if they will reform.

“Over the years the Gallagher brothers have behaved increasingly like an unhappy married couple,” said Millingsworthy. “They only really stayed together for the quids.”

Much like a divorce, commentators believe the band has now divided up its assets between the parties, with Noel taking the musical, lyrical, vocal and guitar playing talents and Liam keeping his tambourine.

Pensioner admits “To be honest everything since 1976 has been shite.”

After years of continual sniping at contemporary music, movies and television, 77 year old Alistair Billingsworth has finally admitted that there is nothing in today's culture that he likes. Mr Billingsworth made the announcement during the Christmas period when some family members wanted to watch programmes on channels other than ITV3.

"Catherine Tate – rubbish, utter rubbish, just like that Little Britain, it's just the same jokes over and over again." he said. "The Two Ronnies was on all day on ITV3. I had seen it the 70s of course, but that was why I wanted to watch them. New stuff such as that ‘Extras’ is bound to be just people talking. It’s not funny unless a fat man dresses up as a woman. And sings."

After watching over 16 hours of the Two Ronnies over Christmas Eve and into Christmas Day including the same episode on 3 occasions, Alistair relented and let his grandchildren watch the hit movie Shrek 2.

"That was rubbish as well, it didn't have any story. Sure there was something about deception involving Prince Charming and a magic potion, but I slept through the start and it didn't make any sense when I woke up near the end. Just a lot of strange animated characters prancing about." said Mr Billingsworth. "Rubbish. Not like Fantasia. You can fall asleep at the start and pick up the plot straight away when you wake up. It’s about mopping the floor. Or something."

It was tricky to choose a movie for all the family to watch, since Alistair refuses anything that he "didn't know" as it would invariably be "rubbish". This proved an insurmountable challenge since he stopped going to the cinema in 1973.

"I must admit I snapped when I woke up and found someone had changed the channel during some programme on Cliff Richards," admitted Alistair. "Of course, if I am honest his voice is rubbish, but at least you can understand the words. Not like the modern music," he said. "It's all thump-thump-thump. How can you fall asleep to that?"

Mr Billingsworth said that this Christmas had been particularly trying and his patience had finally, after many years, worn thin.

"I am fed up having arguments with people as to why a current singer or comedian, and it doesn’t matter who it is, is rubbish," said Mr Billingsworth. "Why won’t people understand that everything made after 1976 is shite?"

Secret to hit song “3 times a lady” revealed

Lionel Ritchie today surprised many by finally revealing the meaning of his hit song “3 times a lady” which topped the UK charts in 1978. The song is one of the most speculated about in history, with all sorts of theories about the cryptic lyrics – everything from an attack on then US President Jimmy Carter to the exposure of faked moon landings. However the ballad, says Mr Ritchie, is about the struggles of a trans-sexual friend.

“Charles Billingsworth had always felt more comfortable as Charlotte, but to us was always just Charlie,” said Ritchie. “However back in the 60s there wasn't as much acceptance of her condition as there is now.”

Ms Billingsworth underwent her first sex-change procedure in 1965. However she found it difficult to continue her job as a bricklayer during the construction boom of 60s Las Vegas, whilst also auditioning as a showgirl.

“Charlie had no other trade, apart from some very lowly paid work as a pole-dancer,” said the former member of The Commodores. “But her income dropped dramatically when a law compelling dancers to remain six feet from customers was abolished. She underwent re-constructive surgery, back to male. This was only partially successful as Charlie needed to sit down to pee, and looked less masculine than the female shot-putters that were taking part in the Munich Olympics,” explained Ritchie.

Charlie retrained as a ship's welder to pay her passage to Thailand and raise enough money to have what she thought would be her final gender re-assignment operation.

“She felt so much more accepted out there, with so many lady-boys,” said the singer-songwriter. “She was now twice a lady.”

However, despite acceptance as a trans-sexual by Thai society she was not able to return to either career as an exotic dancer, or as a welder.

“The steel game is a man's world, and although the surgery wasn't bad, Charlie never weighed less than 250 pounds. You know that fan dance? She couldn't afford that many ostrich feathers.”

Forced to have another cheap medical procedure, Charlie thought she would have to spend the rest of her life as a woman trapped in something resembling a man's body.

“There is a limit to how much the body can take and now she looked like she'd been in a truck crash with a cargo of ugly sticks.” explained Ritchie.

Charlie decided to write her life story which later became the hit movie “Flashdance” about a steel-working dancer. The income from the screenplay enabled her to get the life that she really wanted.

“To be honest, Charlie was never happy about the production of the movie, but in a way that mirrored her life,” explained Ritchie. “Both took years to finish and were hacked about from every angle!”

The proceeds from the film enabled her to get the finest surgery available and Charlie Billingsworth was able to finally, on the third attempt, become a lady.

“It is as simple as that, once, twice, three times a lady.” said Mr Ritchie. “Although you could never drop a bucket of water on her like in the movie, her tits would come off."

Teenager discovers headphones

Tyler Billingsworth, 14, is now a local celebrity in the Stoke Bishop area of Bristol after making a chance discovery that has improved the journeys of everyone heading into and out of the city centre.

"The 1 and 54 bus routes are much more pleasant now since he showed his discovery to his friends," said Ada Fraser, 73, of Blackboy Hill "Although they still spend all day walking around in what looks like their pyjamas."

It was at the end of term and Tyler was on a school trip to the Science Museum in London when he noticed something interesting in a display of the changes in consumer goods throughout the 20th century.

"It was really boring so we were just hanging around playing music on our phones, but I couldn’t hear mine because James has the Sony Ericsson W610i, which is slightly louder," said Tyler, explaining the moment when he made the discovery. "I noticed that in the display was some ancient thing called a Personal Stereo, and it had these headphones on it."

When Tyler got home he asked his Dad about Personal Stereo’s and was amazed by what he found out.

"Yeah, in the olden days my Dad had one and he said he used it to listen to music on something called a tape. Apparently you downloaded songs from the radio. But you had to wait for it to be played!" said Tyler. "He also said that before personal stereos him and his mates used to listen to little radios that produced a really crappy tinny sound and the personal stereo was way better."

Tyler, frustrated by having his friends tinny music drowning out his own, discovered that the "hands-free" kit that came with his phone could act like the headphones on the old Personal Stereo.

"To be honest the sound quality still isn’t great, but I think that’s because most of the music I listen to has a lot of whining, shrieking vocals and using the headsphones at least I don't get embarrassed, unlike the other kids that people at the front of the bus snigger at," he said. "Funny, all this time I thought that those hands-free things were just for calling £1-a-minute 'quickie relief' lines."

Big Bro Posh Spice wannabe wannabe launches career

A devoted fan spoke to the media today about her aspirations to emulate her heroine and Big Brother 8 contestant, Chanelle Hayes.

"Chanelle is my hero," said Chardonnay Bucket, 18, from Formby in Merseyside. "I have followed her entire week-long career and think she is just wonderful. The way she wants to be Victoria Beckham makes me just want to be Chanelle Hayes."

Chardonnay says that she still has a lot to learn from her idol and is avidly following Big Brother’s live broadcasts on E4.

"She is just the best at saying ‘Stupid’ at the end of every sentence and speaking in one long endless sentence that seems to only repeat the stuff that she has already said several times and is delivered as though she is fighting for air after nearly drowning, before saying ‘Stupid‘ and repeating herself again and again," gasped Chardonnay.

Miss Bucket says that it will take her time to fully master the talents of Chanelle, but that she is determined to put the effort in.

"I need to practice more on some of her other talents. I got a bit engrossed in heat magazine yesterday and didn’t use my hair straighteners for 45 minutes, for example."

"I can sit and talk about make-up for hours, just like Chanelle. I look great in my underwear, but I am still studying for my A-Levels at the moment, and still a virgin. Stupid!" she blushed. "Nothing sordid for the papers yet. Stupid!"

As Chanelle wants to use her talents to follow Victoria Beckham to Madrid and Los Angeles, Miss Bucket is hopeful that she can follow Chanelle’s stellar career.

"I plan to go to Madrid this summer, and I hope I can get a video of me being shagged by a Spanish barman wearing a Real Madrid football shirt," revealed Chardonnay. "Then it is practising sitting around and bursting into tears about hair and make-up until Big Brother 9 comes round."

Chardonnay hopes that she can get her pop career over and done with before she returns to school this September. Her first single, a cover of the Victoria Beckham’s ‘Not such an innocent girl’ reached a peak of 26 in the Australian chart on Sunday (ten places higher than the original version achieved) before plummeting out of the top 500 today.

BBC sound effects record tops album charts

It has been revealed that DJ Ibitsa’s summertime smash album "Mashing it up, ya? (sun06)" was actually a cover version of the BBC Sound Effects Volume 7 LP from 1973. Last year’s breakthrough sensation Ibitsa had received rave reviews for his 14 track anthology of the summer of 2006 being hailed as "the new music sensation of the Ipod generation".

The album produced conflicting reviews within the leading edge music world. Whilst all of the journalists at the vanguard described it as a masterpiece, they were often at odds to as to which track was the apex of Ibitsa’s work.

The opening track, ‘Birdsong’ was hailed as "the dawning of the new post-Robbie mourning of pop". Q hailed ‘Thunder’ as the "foretelling of the post-breakup-post-reunion-post-breakup world we are likely to find once Boyzone reform to topple Take That". ‘Speeding Train IV’ was celebrated by Mojo as an "affirming condemnation of the text-vote created one hit wonder". The final track, ‘Banging‘, was described by NME as "Banging!"

Music journalist Paul Morley said that the album was akin to being "teased and roasted, ghosted and toasted by the fusion of urban beans and the warm silkiness of organic sounds."

DJ Ibitsa, real name Daniel Billingsworth, speaking today as he left his home in the Kensington borough of London, was unrepentant.

"I think I uploaded the wrong MP3. I’d finished laying Mashup down, skipped through a few tracks and then sent it to my label," he explained. "I spotted that I had clicked on the wrong thing a few weeks later. But everyone was saying such nice things about the work and, well you know, the money was nice."

After the ‘mix-up’ was revealed the editorials of most of the nation’s premier music magazines hailed the unrecognized back catalogue of the BBC Radiophonic workshop. Paul Morley was unavailable for comment due to his extensive travel commitments for the ‘World Music’ edition of "Now that’s what I call a music clip show" filming in Soho.

Ibitsa is hopeful that the release of his original album now entitled ‘easyChill’ will be as well received.

"When I got back from my residency in Ayia Napa last summer I found that my mobile phone had been recording on my journey back," he explained. "It gave me the inspiration for a mix of a more futuristic sound. And passenger announcements."

Sting hits out at Trekkies use of shorthand

Occasional rain forest chat show pseudo-expert and part time pop singer Gordon Matthew Thomas Sumner, real name Sting, has hit out at followers of the Star Trek family of television shows. He reserved his most severe venom for those in the Internet community that follow and discuss the first of the canon spin off series, Star Trek : The Next Generation. Sting acknowledged that Star Trek Animated Adventures was not considered part of the official story line.

“The problem is that I spend a lot of time ego surfing - you know looking for references to yourself on the Internet. I search for reports on my efforts to save the Planet Earth but quite often am frustrated to find the report is about STTNG, a shorthand for Star Trek: The Next Generation, rather than myself STING. Many other people out there in internetland must be similarly confused as it is me that is saving the galaxy, the earth or humanity, not a group of highly trained vocationalists from the future.” complained the one time Geordie.

Sting confessed that he had only recently got over the disappointment of not having won any major wrestling honours. “Don’t talk to me about Steve Borden. When I realised I wasn’t him I had to have a lie down with a good counsellor.”

Sting refused to take questions regarding a rip in the space time continuum that had formed near his home, nor that the reason for several Police songs focussing on the human condition was that the drummer was in fact an android that wanted to experience emotions. The press conference ended abruptly when Sting and his publicist left abruptly in a sparkling blue glow.

NEWS UPDATE
Following Sting’s denouncement reality show pop wannabe STAA claimed that it was facile to assume that Star Trek Animated Adventures were not part of the canon. “In many ways that art form is liberating for a science fiction television show cancelled because of its large budget. Let us not forget those cartoons brought space exploration to American TV screens at a time when all the public had was the Apollo moon landings and the Skylab missions.”