Hotline Closes Upon News That Swine Flu “May Not Have Killed Everyone On Earth After All”

The government has announced the closure of the Swine Flu hotline so beloved of journalists and other layabouts. This comes less than two months after the Chief Medical Officer admitted that the Swine Flu outbreak may not have been quite as deadly as first feared. Figures indicate that 392 people have died from the mild flu, a figure slightly less than the 210 million September death-rate predicted for the small sea-side town of Formby alone.

“It turns out that there may be one or two people still alive, somewhere,” said Medical Officer Sir Nigel Billingsworth. “Even so, this still vindicates the official medical approach. Although it is possible that large numbers of cases of diarrhoea were in fact a direct response to the medical plan code-named ‘Scare the shit out of everyone’.”

Medical experts from around the world are convening at an international conference to determine the best approach to future outbreaks and plan a co-ordinated response – as well as which manufacturer of a pointless vaccine will benefit from the next outbreak.

“We are all a little disappointed about Bird Flu, you know about all the panic in the streets,” said Billingsworth. “There wasn’t any, but I am sure we can do better next time.”

Experts believe that some opportunities were missed with the recent outbreaks due to a lack of co-ordination regarding the branding of their products.

“We had some confusion, and there was a lot of wasted exposure when the name H1N1 was used to try and convince Americans that Swine Flu, which spread to humans from industrialised pig farming, wasn't related to pigs.” said Billingsworth. “But we can't rely on the stupidity of the American public any more. Some of them have access to the Internet and a few can even read.”

Indeed it is effective branding that medical opinion is convinced will provide a more fertile breeding ground for medical papers, research grants and the all-important public service interviews on the GMTV sofa that will lead to greater royalty fees for their next books.

“We haven't done very well recently. Bird Flu , Swine Flu and Bitch Flu, they just aren't aspirational. If you are trying to get a week off work you want it to sound really, really deadly,” said Billingsworth. “We are therefore toying with 'Angry-Wildebeest-Flu' or perhaps 'Cornered-Mother-Tiger-Protecting-Her-Cub Flu'. There were licensing issues with our first choice – 'Wolverine Flu'.”

Whilst Swine Flu has claimed less deaths around the world than 'falling over' does in a month in an average care-home, medical experts insisted we must remain vigilant.

“We have to make sure that all instances of Tamiflu are completely eradicated, by making sure you all get as much as possible,” said Billingsworth. “So let me re-iterate the official medical advice – you will all be dead by morning.”

TUC votes to ban women’s underwear

Following the vote over high-heels, in a further landmark ruling during the Trade Union Congress’s meeting in Liverpool, a motion was passed calling on all female underwear to be made illegal in the workplace.

“For too long women have been compelled to wear knickers, and bras, tights and stockings,” said Lorraine Billingsworth, a comfortable shoe wearing delegate at the conference. “Ban these evil, lying items of clothing, since you never look as good in them as the models in the catalogues.”

Union officials say that since men who may work in professions such as cabin crew or trade shows are not compelled to wear knickers or bras then they are clearly discriminatory and should be banned.

“I think it’s a great idea, sometimes the stewardess uniforms with their short skirts and high-heels must be difficult to spend the day in,” said George, a frequent flyer from Edinburgh and member of the Scottish Health & Safety executive. “If I knew that they were not wearing any knickers I would show them my firm support.”

If the ruling is made law it will have a dramatic effect on workplace attire for many women which is something that Trade Unionists believe need not be seen in a negative light.

“There will need to be regular checks to ensure that women are not being compelled to wear dangerous knickers,” said Health and Safety official Bill Insworth. “We believe that regular underwear checking will be a real growth area for our members.”

One profession that it is understood will be granted an exemption is that of the judiciary since it is generally believed that all judges of both sexes wear stockings and suspenders to work.

US Healthcare – “Best in the country” claims Glenn Beck

Fox News shouter, and part time anal surgery enthusiast, Glenn Beck shattered traditional right-wing stereotypes of insularism after announcing that the United States had the finest healthcare in the United States.

“Only last year I was complaining about the terrible treatment I received from the shocking healthcare system in this country. When I was paid by CNN,” foamed Mr Beck. “However now that I am paid by Fox I am pleased to say what a turnaround US healthcare has had in just over a year!. Now it is star-spangled banneringly brilliant. The US has the best healthcare system in the country.”

Mr Beck, famous for responding to his own contradictions was responding to comments he made in 2008 after undergoing life threatening bum-hole surgery that sadly went wrong. He survived.

Controversy has raged across America after a few people suggested that it might be quite a good idea for the richest country in the world to let a few less of its own citizens die by providing a greater access to healthcare. This has provoked a back-lash from the conservative right who feel that President Obama has taken a step too far along Comrade Bush’s nationalisation programme for the United Socialist States of America.

“I don’t think it is hyperbole to talk of ‘death panels’, we aren’t putting words into the President’s mouth,” said fellow high-octave trainee journalist Sean Hannity. “Death panels are no more a lie than the right’s plan to tow icebergs to the US coast for our ill senior citizens to be cast adrift on. They would be moored, not drifting.”

The mainstream conservative media has fomented screaming mobs in the USSA with horror stories of other countries’ healthcare systems that actually attempt to provide medical care as a basic human right. In particular it has heaped vitriol on the National Health Service of the UK aided by major political figures. And MEPs.

“Over two million people watched the first twenty seconds of my YouTube attack on Gordon Brown,” said Daniel Hannan MEP from his constituency in Victorian England. “They probably got up to the bit where I waved my hands around. Two million views makes me an expert on the NHS which I believe my porter used once when I was at Marlborough College.”

Hannan, whose ego has been a regular on US political shows since President Obama revealed his evil plan to help sick people, recently described healing millions of poor people since World War II as a “60 year old mistake”.

“As I said to the booker from Fox News, I am more than pleased to say how bad everything is on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I can do the radio show too,” said Mr Hannan. “Now, please let me past, I have just been to Walgreens for Mr Beck’s Anusol.”

It has been revealed that the surgery on the arse-hole Mr Beck had was to remove his head from his own ass.

Fears mount over a deadly mutation as Swine Flu contracts a dose of Katie Price

Katie Price’s PR firm, Orange Bandwagon, has announced that the glamour model, known as Jordan, has “so totally, absolutely got that Swine Flu that’s in the papers”.

Medical experts are said to be deeply concerned now that the previously harmless Swine Flu virus, having now contracted Katie Price, could mutate into a much more deadly sickness that could sweep through the nation.

“Our first analysis would be that symptoms would include the development of huge, unsightly swellings on the chest and the ability to project caustic venom like something out of the film Alien,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth.

The government said that there was genuine reason to be alarmed as, whilst unlikely to be fatal, the virus could cause people to completely lose all sense of shame. Due to increases in bodily temperature sufferers will also be unable to keep their faces out of a trough of Champagne. Or their vaginas away from fans.

Not everyone is fearing the spread of this toxic, vomit-inducing malady that seems to be increasingly infecting the country. Disc Jockeys facing the end of both their youth and their residency in small clubs in the Balearic Islands were said to be looking forward to “catching a dose”.

DJ Grand-Rider Chill who is facing his final year on the Island of Menorca said that it might do well for local tourism . “I’ll probably be somewhere in a long queue to shag one of these new flu victims. It will be like banging a Space Hopper on a trampoline.”

Balding DJs aside, medical experts were adamant that a Jordan-Swine Flu hybrid would cause widespread sickness on a scale not seen since the outbreak of last year’s Mills-McCartney misery.

“The government will have to react quickly to contain the new strain which we have already named,” said Professor Billingsworth. “We are warning that tabloid newspapers are the perfect breeding ground to spread this new outbreak of Bitch Flu.”

The news of Katie Price’s illness was broken in a press release by Orange Bandwagon announcing the glamour model’s new range of Tamiflu based remedies. The new range is said to have no more ability than common Tamiflu but comes in a range of tasteless packages.

New Swine Flu helpline service recovers after journalists stop phoning with fake symptoms

The National Pandemic Flu website and helpline were today said to be receiving normal levels of calls now that the nations’ journalists had stopped phoning up with fake symptoms and had moved on to discussing the location of Michael Jackson's nose.

“The service peaked shortly after it was launched with some 2,600 journalists using the website each second,” said a spokesman for the NHS. “It takes each journalist four or five goes through the flowchart to then be prescribed the Tamiflu they don't need and it was this that caused an overload on the service.”

In addition to the website traffic the helpline received a further 10,000 calls from journalists impatient at a trial-and-error approach to the computer's questions and were hoping to be able to charm a call-centre worker - who has only had basic training - into agreeing to release one more pack of medication for a very weak strain of flu, just in case.

“This whole system is a complete sham,” said TV reporter Tessa Billingsworth. “After half a dozen goes on the website, and studying Wikipedia, I was able to waste valuable time and resources by phoning up with pretend symptoms from a completely different disease and they gave me Tami-Flu. To make sure we got different angles for the piece to camera I actually had to pretend to be several different people, it took hours and tied up at least three people's time. I was a disgrace.”

The National Health Service says that since the initial flurry of stories spread so quickly, call rates have dropped to a much more manageable number.

“Now that the kids have broken up for the summer holidays the chances of a last minute cheap deal have gone so we should see infection rates drop,” said a spokeswoman. “Especially as the airports are on the look-out to detect all the 'sick-notes' who have got themselves two extra week's holiday by getting their family to cough down the phone to the helpline.”

However the government re-stated its warning that infection rates are expected to pick up in the autumn as seasonal flu rates rise naturally and people fancy extending their summer by jetting off to the Mediterranean and need an excuse to take the kids out of school.

Nurse suspended after offering to get patient a witch-doctor

Nurse Caroline Billingsworth was suspended in December after a patient she was visiting objected to the offer of a prayer to aid in her recovery and having a local Shaman visit to boost her juju.

"She was very, very caring," said Belinda Worthing, 70, a patient from North Somerset. "But I really didn't fancy her offer of having a goat slaughtered and its entrails read on my kitchen table."

Nurse Billingsworth says she puts great faith in an otherworldly supreme presence that is doing amazing things in her life and she is keen to offer assistance to help patients with their recovery.

"Of course I normally start with a simple prayer," said Billingsworth. "However once you have opened Pandora's Mumbo-Jumbo box, then why stop at Christianity? Several of my patients welcome the attention of a West African witch-doctor and having their diagnosis confirmed by a throw of his Sheep Knuckles."

According to the complaint filed with the local NHS Trust, Billingsworth then asked if Mrs Worthing had been good during the year, because Father Christmas had been watching and may give her a present of being healthy again. However Billingsworth denied that this took place.

"Mrs Worthing is a lovely old dear, but you know she is 70," said the suspended nurse. "She was confused by which mystical overseer with a large beard who frightens people into good behaviour and deals in favours I was talking about. I was referring to the Maharishi."

North Somerset NHS Trust said that it suspended Nurse Billingsworth pending an investigation, but said that it was in not way trying to restrict the religious practices of any of its staff.

A spokesman for the NHS was sympathetic with the Nurse's predicament: "To be honest, what with MRSA, rat infestations and the like, a patient may as well start praying as coming to one of our hospitals."

New medical condition known as “publicist’s balls” discovered

The British Medical Journal today published an article describing the newly identified condition known as "publicist’s balls". The news comes after the revelation that the medical condition called "cello scrotum" is in fact a hoax dating back to the 1970s.

"There are millions of sufferers of "publicist’s balls" in the UK, and the complaint is growing," explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, a maverick behavioural scientist currently serving 6 months in Broadmore. "The condition is spread mainly from marketing departments and is often carried in product advertisements masquerading as the publication of survey results."

Medical professionals say that some of the worst cases of the condition are in the beauty industry in which there is normally a fresh outbreak of "publicist’s balls" every week.

"It seems that the condition breeds rapidly within the warm, moist and unchallenging environment of women’s magazines," said Professor Billingsworth during moments of lucidity. "However it really thrives in the unsanitary conditions of the Internet."

"Publicist’s balls" has reached epidemic proportions within the pages of tabloid newspapers in between wars and on the websites of political parties at any time of day or night.

Despite the ease with which people in the 21st century can get access to information the area thought by many to be the seat of an early outbreak of "publicist’s balls" is still in a highly irritating state.

"The condition can be passed easily with word of mouth contact," explained Billingsworth. "Once a new outbreak of "publicist’s balls" occurs near a homeopathic remedy then it can be highly contagious and there is no known cure. You need a witch doctor."

Even the rational medical profession has come under attack, with dozens of cases of "publicist’s balls" being identified in the management offices of NHS trusts, government departments and changing rooms of golf-courses up-and-down the land.

"Despite the best efforts of the medical profession itself to remain infection free there are localised outbreaks occurring in medical journals," said the professor. "I myself have taken part in many deep cleans. Let me ask you - is milk good or bad for you? Don’t know? You are suffering from "publicist’s balls" too."

Thousands queue for latest Apple breakthrough – the iDiet

News that Apple founder Steve Jobs has lost a large amount of weight in a short period of time has prompted, rather than quelled, speculation within the Apple community. Thousands of customers have posted on Internet forums and Twitter that there may be more big announcements to come.

"I hope it is the iDiet. There were a lot of rumours about it at the last MacWorld," said Geraldine Billingsworthski from San Fransisco. "I have been waiting for this for years. I need to get down to about 300lbs and an Apple iDiet would be the best on the market."

Speculation is rife at the last Macworld, this year, that Job’s gaunt and thin appearance at last year’s Macworld, was due to a new breakthrough.

"It is clear that Apple have been working on something big, and this talk of the iDiet is something that many Apple geeks are getting steamed up about," sweated technology commentator Mr Bloggy as he ordered a pizza on his iPhone. "And we know the success Apple has had with making things smaller, just look at the iQueue."

There has been talk that the iDiet will include all of the features of the market leader, Weight Watchers, with the portability of the Slimfast series of protein shakes. But costing at least £250 more.

However commentators are pointing to the recent announcement that in fact Steve Jobs is suffering from a hormone imbalance and that many people desperate for the iDiet may be better off buying a real apple for lunch.

"If it is a hormone imbalance, then perhaps the iDiet contains iGender transformation functionality," gibbered Miss Billingsworthski. "I would be up for that, although standing to pee seems like hard work."

However Gartner’s latest forecasts say that if anything the publicity will boost Apple’s presence and probably lead to a short-term increase in it’s stock price, just like the iGimmick did. Gartner says Apple’s fundamentalist fans are even speculating about Steve Job’s non-appearance at Macworld

"The latest buzz is that we won’t see Steve at Macworld because the iDiet includes iNvisible technology," said Mr Bloggy. "Although I think talk of the iGender is madness, I clearly want to see the iNvisible when it appears."

Government plan “Scare the shit out of children” revealed

The government today announced radical plans for the sale of cigarettes in an attempt to further dissuade children from taking up smoking. From next year shops will only be able to employ registered paedophiles to sell cigarettes.

"The packaging on cigarettes will also be changed to simply be a picture of a puppy," explained Gina Billingsworth, the minister for Child Welfare and Protection. "We feel that having the paedophile leering over the box as they are handed to young smokers will deter them from taking up the habit."

The government is now consulting on other methods of deterring young people from taking up the habit, if the fear of being touched in a bad place by an ageing member of the music industry doesn’t work.

"We are considering incorporating breathalysers into cigarette vending machines, and electrifying the handles to shock anyone whose breath does not contain the required amount of Werther’s Originals," said the minister.

Supermarkets have given a mixed reaction to the new plans saying that limp-wristed staff who refuse to process a "heavy" bottle of pop already man their tobacco kiosks.

"We take our health and safety responsibilities very seriously," said a spokesman for Sainsbury’s. "We wouldn’t want anyone straining a wrist when they are purchasing cancer causing death-sticks from us."

The 'Paedo's and Fags' plan was formulated following an extensive consultation process by surfing the Daily Star’s message boards, however it is not the only step being taken.

"We are serious about children’s well-being. We know that even the sight of a box with ‘death’ written on it in large unfriendly letters is enough to turn them all into 40 a day addicts," said Billingsworth. "Therefore the only logical next step to protect their futures is to poke the eyes out of anyone under 16 seen looking at a cigarette. We are doing this for their own good."

Britons of the future should be less individual recommends Government

The Department of Health is to consider advice from the British Fertility Society that more pregnancies should be allowed from the sperm of a single donor. This would provide a means, it believes, of further ensuring any individuality is removed from the Britons of the next century.

"The benefits are legion of having as many people as possible with the same father," said Patricia Bokonovsky a spokeswoman for the government. "If everyone is from the same gene pool they will all vote the same way and have similar personalities."

Government mandarins have long expressed displeasure at the propensity of the British public to act in a multitude of different ways, with different aims and aspirations. This routinely culminates in an alarming appetite for voting out an incumbent government that doesn’t manage to convince enough of them that it is doing a good job.

"No, the more I think about it this will be far easier and cheaper than our current strategy - of trying to control what they think and monitoring their every move," said Bokonovsky. "It isn’t like we can just lock everyone up without charging them in the orgy of Orwellian fantasy we dream about. Not yet anyway."

Secret documents reveal that many of the challenges facing society are caused by people responding in different ways to the freedom so intrinsic to British life.

"How are we supposed to regulate things like knives and alcohol when everyone is so different? How do you know if I am just going to cut up my lunch, or stab you on a bus? Perhaps I am going to toast the Queen then head off early to bed, or maybe I will be found under a bridge vomiting into my ministerial red box. Again."

Mandarins within Whitehall say that the BFS recommendation does not go far enough and instead are challenging if there is even a need for multiple sperm donors at all.

"Given the number of sperm in the average ejaculation we actually only need one donor to populate Britain with citizenry of the right calibre for generations to come," said Bokonovsky. "And many people think Number 10 is occupied by an iconic wanker."

Fat people’s inability to read labels may have medical not educational cause

Scientists at the Jeremy Kyle University of Behavioural Research say they have identified a link between obesity and eyesight problems that can effect people of all ages. The research may explain why fat people find it difficult to understand the nutritional labels on the foods they eat.

"We have conducted thousands of hours of behavioural research and monitoring of the cake aisles of leading supermarkets," explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Our research shows that fat people have a medical condition that means they are unable to read small-print, such as a list of ingredients or dietary advice on the back of a pack of donuts. Previously we had just assumed they were thick."

The research revealed that the reason a great many "big-boned" people avoid the fruit and vegetable sections of supermarkets is that their eyes are incapable of deciphering any lettering that isn’t in a big, bright, bold, typeface saying ‘Double Chocolate Chip Fudge Brownie’ or ‘buy one get one free’.

"The exact cause isn’t known. It could be something genetic, it could be a deficiency in the areas of their brains that process complex images and pattern matching," said Professor Billingsworth. "But it could just as easily be sweat dripping into their eyes and blurring their vision when they get that ‘pie-lust’ or their fat fingers obscuring the dietary information on a twin pack of Ginsters Pasties"

The reports were presented to a conference of some of the world’s leading experts on obesity but it was not as well received as researchers would have liked with a large body of fat experts boycotting the main presentation.

"I think a great many of the attendees were in denial, as several claimed to be unable to read the meeting details on the lecture theatre notice board." said Professor Billingsworth. "Although they all found the bloody buffet easily enough."

Karadzic trial seen as only first step in ridding world of evil practices

As the trial begins of the former Bosnian Serb leader Radovan Karadzic, the prosecution team is buzzing with the prospect of taking an important step to bringing to justice one of the most high-profile practitioners of alternative medicine.

"With Karadzic we have one of the leading figures in the field of homeopathic so-called medicine. If our prosecution is successful we will be able to drive a stake of fear into the hearts of other alternative quacks the world over," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth of the Sidcup Centre for the Forceful Advancement of Science.

Karadzic is planning on conducting his own defence in a bid to dilute the charges against him. From killing 1 person in 5 in the Bosnian town of Srebrenica he hopes to spread the effect to a less barbarous sounding 1 in 500 of the Bosnian population as a whole. His defence team has, however, privately advised him that attempts to dilute further to a trace value of having ordered the slaughter of only one in three thousand of the Yugoslav population may be too strong to stomach.

"Mr Karadzic has announced that he doesn’t recognise the trial that we are starting," said Professor Billingsworth. "This is typical behaviour for peddlers of homeopathic remedies. They refuse to recognise any impartial trial of their techniques and instead want to stand a make polemic speeches about ethnic purity and water memory. These people must be stopped before they end up telling us that man walked with dinosaurs and that maps are evil."

Mr Karadzic himself is unrepentant and claims that the picture painted by a decade-long media campaign is biased against him and nothing like the man he actually is.

"The charges against me, that I committed crimes against humanity with my book of poetry ‘Under the Left Breast of the Century’ are unfounded," he said at the opening of his new Homeopathic Clinic cum cell at The Hague. "When I realised how many people had lost limbs due to my shelling of Sarajevo I proposed a humanitarian airlift of 20,000 bottles of 10C ‘Bellis perennis’ for them to dab on their stumps and grow new arms and so on. With a dilution of one litre of daisy juice to 100,000,000,000,000,000,000 litres water this shows exactly how much me and my fellow alternative practitioners care about human suffering."

Fat gene enabler identified

Scientists have revealed details of the means of operation of the so-called 'fat gene' and its interrelationships with other proteins within the DNA chain. The identification of the gene, known by its genetic identifiers as LRDY, is seen as a breakthrough for millions of sufferers whose bodies are unable to naturally regulate their pie intake.

"The benefits of this large body of research into people's susceptibility to LRDY are numerous. We hope to be able to offer a genetic therapy which can be administered by injection, or orally in say a chocolate milkshake," said the leader of the research team, Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Not only that but during the research we collected enough free burger tokens to keep the population of Glasgow fed for at least 10 minutes. We have about a billion tokens."

The researchers say that those desperate for a reason to cancel their gym membership should check for symptoms which include a compulsion to queue outside a Gregg's Pasty shop and spasms of the nervous system around a salad bar.

A group of very large campaigners welcomed the news from the research team and said that it made an even more compelling case for cream cakes to be made available on the NHS.

"It is such a relief that it is an evolutionary trait dating back hundreds of thousands of years that compels me to drive the few miles to my nearest pub and order six packets of pork scratchings. Three times a day," panted Michaela Billingsworth of the 'Fat and Fit' campaign from the steps of 10 Downing Street. "Oh Jesus, I need a sit down. And a mars bar."

The research team however revealed that there was a statistical link between sufferers of excess LRDY production and the millions of people who suffer from the mental condition known as being 'big boned'.

"Despite the historic discovery made last year, it is clear that being big-boned is a mental disorder," said Professor Billingsworth. "The statistics show that 93% of 'big boned’ sufferers answered positively to the research question 'Would you like fries with that?'"

The LRDY gene exists to a greater or lesser degree in all of us, said the research team, however other proteins in the DNA chain regulate it.

"What is clear is that a person's susceptibility to LRDY is directly related to the production of the protein responsible for the American accent," said Billingsworth.

Report casts electric bulbs in bad light

A report from a candle manufacturers' association says that their research has shown that energy efficient light bulbs may cause areas of darkness to become illuminated and warn against their use by anyone who prefers low-light levels, such as moles, earthworms and ugly people.

"Unlike your traditional candle these lights make night time seem like day, and inside seem like being outdoors in the sun," said Carlos Valor dos Faturamentos of the Brazilian Wax Association. "Whereas a candle is much more atmospheric in that it just makes things seem gloomy and cast large foreboding shadows on the walls."

The report also counters the claim that energy efficient light bulbs may induce more migraines in extremely susceptible people than incandescent light bulbs.

"Anyone who has tried to read by candlelight will tell you that it only takes a few minutes and you have a stinking headache," said Senhor Valor dos Faturamentos. "The traditional wax candle is by far the most efficient light source at producing a throbbing sensation behind the eyes and causing blurred or impaired vision. The forger played by Donald Pleasance in the Great Escape would have been such a minor part without our products."

Valor dos Faturamentos denied that the century long move in favour of electric light was a threat to the candle industry and was the real motivation behind the report saying instead that it highlighted the rival’s shortcomings.

"Some people maintain that these new low energy bulbs flicker at the edge of your vision," said Senhor Valor dos Faturamentos. "The candle, however, flickers strongly right in your face, especially if you breathe near it. Let us not forget the service the candle does for town planning in the 21st century since without it many old and magnificent buildings, several hundreds of years old, may still be with us today."

The wax industry denied that the future was bleak for the candle and maintained that its core customer would always reach for the more natural product on a long, dark, winter’s night.

"We predict steady sales of shaped candles, such as the hugely successful ‘Westlife’ candle," he said. "Teenage girls will always find comfort spending the evening with a candle."

Britons feel the heat down under

As thousands of Britons feeling "under the weather" grip the pan for dear life, Doctors are warning of severe bouts of high pressure in the middle, followed by extremely blustery conditions down south.

"The norovirus is a particularly virulent stomach bug that can bring on severe bouts of diarrhoea with no notice," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Oh dear, I’d only just changed into these," he added before blushing bright red.

The high pressure caused by the virus in the middle of Britons can also lead to severe projectile precipitation in the North. Indeed the families of many sufferers believe they are witnessing a scene from ‘The Exorcist’.

Doctors are warning sufferers to stay away from work, or anywhere else with expensive upholstered seating, for at least 48 hours following a bout of ‘accelerated, or reverse digestive transit’.

"The clean up crews need to be given a fighting chance. It’ll take more than a few squirts of Oust to shift that lot," muttered Professor Billingsworth. "Oh Jesus, not again," he added.

The NHS advises those not suffering from the norovirus to avoid contact with anyone suspected to have contracted the illness or to at least dress as they might imagine Hyacinth Bucket would if working as a cleaner at a peep show.

"You can’t be too careful, this infection can catch you and anyone in your immediate vicinity completely unawares. It’s unlikely my cat will ever look at me in the same way again," said the Professor before making a sound like a rip in a wet bouncy castle.

Following an uncomfortable cabinet meeting which was accompanied by sounds of quacking said to be attributed to a flock of ‘low flying ducks’ the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, called a meeting of the Cobra response committee to order an emergency shipment of trousers and underpants to the most effected areas. Sources at the meeting said they had never before seen the Premier move so quickly.

Speaking on television using a special waterproof camera whilst sitting in the bath, the Prime Minister moved, repeatedly, and attempted to re-assure the nation.

"Rest assured, unlike during the summer, I am taking a personal lead in Operation Brown Flood," he said. "For the last three days I have been pissing rusty water out of my arse."

Al Gore to lead obesity campaign

Fresh from his victory at this year's Nobbies in Oslo, where he walked away with the Nobel Prize for Film making, Al Gore says he is now prepared to help the UK government in their battle against obesity that they have likened to the fight against global warming.

“Obesity is a challenge we all face and is something close to my heart,” said the big-boned former vice-president of the United States. “It is a big challenge, and one that is getting bigger all the time. Let's face it, what fatties don't want is an increase in global temperatures, which is another piece of the pie.”

Mr Gore said that he would embark on a lecture tour, sponsored by the new Haagen Dazs offsetting scheme, whereby, for every tub of posh ice cream that you buy, someone in India runs a lap of a forest. He is also planning a new movie on the perils of obesity, entitled 'A Big Fat Fact'. He also revealed that his work with the British government would be a new solo project.

“I feel I have gone as far as I can with my backing group, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change,” he said. “You know how it is, artistic differences. The rest of the group has these pretensions at doing thoughtful work.”

The Peace Prize winner also brushed off criticism from the High Court of being alarmist and using misleading evidence.

“If it is alarmist and incorrect to say that we are all going to die when the whole of Mount Kilimanjaro melts on us, then I don't want to be right.” he said at the Vanity Fair after-ceremony party in Oslo.

The Health Secretary, Alan Johnson, said that Mr Gore's Nobel Prize winning talents of public relations, spectacular computer models and exaggerated claims were exactly the things needed to complement the government's action plan for combating obesity.

“Obesity is a problem that will have an impact on all areas of society, at home and at work,” said Mr Johnson. “We will need stronger sofas, and sturdier office chairs. Mr Gore's Oscar-winning talents will be able to connect with obese people right where it matters; sitting in the cinema, behind a jumbo bag of popcorn.”

Shopping Mall provides warning lights for customers

Management at the huge Bluewater centre in Kent today unveiled a new system of personal warning lights for shoppers that the mall management hopes will aid safety and enjoyment whilst shopping.

"We are constantly striving to improve the experience here at Bluewater and we think that this innovation will help our customers get the most out of the time, and money, they spend here," said Anita Billingsworth, Head of Concierge services.

The new devices are a series of clip on warning lights that mimic the behaviour of the indicator and brake lights on motor vehicles.

"Every year we survey our customers and one of the most consistent findings is the frustration at having someone stop quickly or veer into your path as you are walking either around the complex itself or in any of the individual shops," explained Ms Billingsworth. "We have spent the last year working with experimental Formula One derived technology for g-force triggered lighting and are pleased with the progress so far."

The new lights contain sensitive switches that respond to external forces that the shopper creates by their movement and can therefore activate red lights should they stop suddenly or the relevant orange indicator when they change direction.

"We think that this is something shoppers have a need for, and also something that, at busy times such as Christmas, should provide a spectacular light display from thousands of wearers across the aisles and walkways," said Anita. "For those sensitive to such lights, we will also be supplying sunglasses and have extra medical cover for any epileptic episodes "

The shopping centre management said that reports of failures in both the lights and the battery systems were just initial teething troubles with the first generation of lights.

"The early prototypes did suffer from some problems. We found that groups of two or more mothers with pushchairs would drain the batteries in only a few minutes with the frequent instant stops in shop doorways – even when we tried a pushchair-mounted car battery," explained Ms Billingsworth. "We have now moved to a self generating version that uses the rapid and random changes in direction of your average shopper to power the lights. These work much more reliably, although groups of women chatting have been known to blow the bulbs."

World's heaviest bulimia sufferer dies

Friends and family were today mourning the death of Tracey Billingsworth, who died yesterday at the age of 38. Tracey, from Thurrock in Essex, held the title of the World's largest sufferer of bulimia - an eating disorder whereby the suffer causes themselves to vomit.

"She was such a big person, in every way,” said her mother, Sharon. “She suffered terribly with her eating disorder, but she never let it get her down, or stop her doing what she wanted to do. She would just bounce from one episode to the next.”

Tracey had suffered from weight problems since she was a small girl. Indeed her Weight Watcher's journal from the last two decades reveal how her weight had yo-yo-ed from a maximum of just under 24 stone to a low of over 22 stone. After many years of struggle she was diagnosed as bulimic by the Upstairs School of Homoeopathic Remedies - above the dance studio in Basildon town centre. Traditionally bulimia is associated with people who are underweight, however in Tracey's case the frequent and regular periods of vomiting were exacerbated by other conditions.

"She had always struggled with her weight, since she became big-boned as a child. When Princess Diana discovered bulimia, Tracey just knew that was the condition for her,” said her tearful mum. “The people at the Homoeopathy School were amazed that someone who threw up as much as she did could be so large, but she had such a big frame and such a desire for life that if a bout of bulimia did strike her it would not prevent her from rejoining her friends in the pub and carrying on as though nothing had happened.”

Mrs Billingsworth said the hardest part would probably be quiet Sunday shopping trips, where Tracey's ebullient personality would be sorely missed.

“Everyone loved her, she used to charm the young lads who worked at Krispie Kreme, where she was such a regular customer. She would often get an extra half dozen free.” said Sharon. “Sunday's won't be the same without the sound of her crashing into the downstairs loo and those sad sounds of her condition. She always had a smile for us and never let it get the family down. No matter how bad it would be she would be home in time for Sunday lunch and always wanted extra helpings of my trifle.”

Indeed, it was the muffled sounds of her condition that would often signal the heart-breaking end to a fun-filled night out .

“We would go out to Bingo of a Wednesday night and have fifteen or twenty Bacardi Breezers and a Kebab or two and often, even before we got home, Tracey's bulimia would flare up in the back of the Taxi.”

“Fit and Fat” campaign launched

Campaigners who are fed up with what they say is constant negative stereo-typing of the overweight have launched a new on-line campaign to publicise their claim that being a 'person of size' and physically active are not mutually exclusive.

"For too long people of size have been told by the conspiracy of so-called 'Doctors', 'fitness instructors' and the paramedics and firemen - that assist us when we pass out in shopping centres or get stuck in escalators - that our weight is a problem," said Michaela Billingsworth. "That is why we have launched 'Fit and Fat’ to spread the truth, that we don’t all have to be Lance Armstrong. People of size are as fit as they need to be."

The campaign is based around a YouTube channel were members can share their success stories through video diaries and give each other training and diet tips.

"We are leveraging the power of the Internet to help the 'FAF' community fight back against all those groups that have it in for us." explained Miss Billingsworth. "Without it most of our members would not be able to meet, on account of them being unable to fit into the deliberately small cars that are designed to keep us from spreading the truth."

Miss Billingsworth said the campaign had started via YouTube as it enabled members to overcome their computer access challenges.

"Computer manufacturers don't consider people of size when they make small fiddly keyboards which our fingers are too large for," she said. "Furniture manufacturers are also against us, since it is a stretch to reach the keyboard at all being jammed into small chairs. This way I can just yell into my webcam."


FAFers have posted videos explaining how they would be deemed by society to be obese but can in fact conduct normal lives as good as anyone.

"I defy any so-called thin person to come cycling with me," said one poster under the name JigglyJim. "I can cycle at least 2 miles to my local donut shop easily, as long as I take the flat route around the hill. In fact I have worn out several bikes through all my cycling which just shows another part of the conspiracy against people of size. Bike manufacturers should make frames and seat posts as strong as the gears – which never seem to wear out."

Another poster said it was possible to have a healthy diet despite the pressures of our modern fast paced lifestyles and gave a selection of tips that he said enabled him to get fit enough to use a normal toilet unaided.

"All of us have to use elevators, since it takes too long to walk up the stairs in modern office buildings, what with having to have a shower afterwards," explained BigBoner69. "For lunch I always get the 100% beef burger. However you need to balance that up with some fat and carbohydrates such as with a McFlurry. Or three." However he warned against dangers of over exertion. "Remember it is best practice to drive to your local KFC. You shouldn't do heavy physical exercise, such as a person of size walking, after eating a large meal."

Miss Billingsworth said that the media portrayed ridiculous stereotypes that people could not live up to, especially targeting businesswomen who might be vulnerable about their body shape.

"Why do adverts always show women in sleek business suits holding doors open for their male colleagues? You don't need to be able to reach the handle if they are automatic and sweat pants are so much more absorbent"

The YouTube channel is growing in popularity with new videos added daily, only some of which are obituaries. A popular area is that of the advice to "big boned" people to make sure they get the help to which they feel entitled.

"People of size often suffer from problems with their feet," says BigBoner69 in another video. "So make sure you ask the advice of the trained shoe shop assistants as to whether or not you have any slippers on."

Printing to be outlawed in public places

The government’s moves to ban printing in public places, following the revelations that the small particles of toner that are emitted can do damage to the lungs similar to that caused by smoking, has met fierce criticism from civil liberties groups and the National Union of Secretaries.

"I have been using laser printers dozens of times a day for nearly 20 years now," said Gregory Billingsworth an accountant at a large city brokerage house. "I need a good printed spreadsheet with my coffee to kick start the morning. As the day goes on there is nothing better to relieve the stress than to print out a nice memo or two."

Under the new legislation, which will take effect from the start of next month, it will be illegal to print in all public buildings. Anyone wishing to do so will have to make use of designated outdoor printing areas.

Campaign groups such as the People’s Union for Liberty in Printing (PULP) have rallied against the new legislation saying that it could have severe implications for not just the social interaction at the office printer but also for the larger economy in general.

"Printer manufacturers will suffer and the ban will do nothing to improve the health of the nation," said a representative of PULP. "People will probably catch their deaths standing in the cold and rain whilst their daily status report is printed."

Assertions that the new laws will provide a safer working environment for all concerned and hasten the march to the long awaited ‘paperless office’ have not convinced serial printers.

"I have used everything from the original HP Laserjet back in the mid 80s to the latest full colour multifunction devices and I will continue to enjoy printing documents," said Mr Billingsworth. "The law is draconian, making normal citizens spy on each other. Where will it stop? Next someone will say that if I am working late in the office I can’t light up a cigarette after faxing my secretary."