Britain's Incompetency Rating in danger of decline – say RBS board members

The board of banking basket case the Royal Bank of Scotland today warned that Britain risked a drop in it's international incompetency rating if they were not allowed to pay a huge amount of money to people who had failed at their jobs.

“RBS leads the nation, and thus helps Britain sit at the international top table, of incompetency,” said Stephen “Incompetent” Hester. “If we aren't allowed to remunerate RBS talent at the market rate by rewarding them for forcing RBS out of the market then we risk losing this level of incompetency to the nation.”

The world reacted in horror to the news that the entire board of RBS has threatened to resign if they are not able to pay the bonuses they believed their staff had earned by ruining a 300 year old bank in less than a decade. The leaders of major economies struggling to recover from the recession have implored the British government to “just give them what they want” for fear that these elite businessmen might leave Britain.

“You mean they might come to Paris? But I didn’t mean it when I told the City that we were in charge now,” exclaimed President Sarkozy. “But France, she is just starting to recover, she can’t hope to cope with people of this calibre in her financial system,” he sobbed.

“I am owed this money, it was written into my contract that every 6 months I would be paid an obscene amount if I managed to multiply two made up numbers together to be greater than another number that has no meaning,” said Henry “malcontent” Billingsworth. “I blame someone else. If someone else had written into my objectives that I ‘shouldn't take the entire bank roughly up the arse' then I wouldn't have fucked it into next week – It's a scandal. I could have got another £1m for not doing so.”

The views of RBS have been supported by the board of Lloyds Bank who are insistent that there is a genuine need to retain top level talent and that people of the calibre and track record of City bankers cannot easily be replaced if the local Ladbrokes betting shop is closed on Wednesday afternoons.

“These City traders, you know, are not like brain surgeons, or vets or people with legal degrees that require decades of training and experience,” said a former Donkey Porn movie star now forced into the degrading world of banking. “An investment banker is a special person, a loud bloke with even louder braces whose job has the same science to it as a drunk playing roulette. Sometimes everything turns red and he loses his ridiculous stripy shirt. Which you and me then have to pay for.”

The news that RBS's board is stuffed with bigger tits than Jordan's Christmas jumper is the latest in a series of cases of people demanding huge sums of money for being shit at their jobs. The man ultimately responsible for screwing RBS into the ground, Sir Fred “incontinent” Goodwin, was unavailable for comment. Sources indicate that he may ask for further financial compensation following his hasty departure as his laundry bill has also been of city bonus proportions having spent the last year pissing himself laughing.

As the Spanish await the receipts of El Gordo – the world's biggest payout – Gordon Brown heads to Madrid

Millions of people in Spain where today awaiting the huge payout from El Gordo, despite denials from Downing Street that the Prime Minister is even in the Iberian peninsula.

"Spain is another country to add to the list of those that I have personally saved," said El Gordo Brown from a phonebox near Niagara Falls in Canada. "As soon as I save a small boy from falling to his doom – which is bound to happen soon – I will fly right across to Madrid and see if those bankers at Santander want anything else from the British taxpayer – such as even more savings accounts. Or Wales."

The British Prime Minister said that there was no misunderstanding with Downing Street over his intentions and that the cabinet was completely behind his every move.

"Some have tried to say that El Gordo is a lottery," said the 'Brown Midas’ as he wishes to be known. "But who would have bet on me saving the world already? Well apart from the British taxpayer who I forced to punt billions of pounds."

Brown Midas said that he wanted to introduce a programme of economic reforms that would ensure prosperity for many years to come.

"The future of the British cape industry is safe on the shoulders of this government. The cabinet - or Mystery Team as it is now known – has placed orders for dozens, and the motor industry is safe thanks to the bulk order of super-vehicles we will be placing," he said outside the entrance of 'The Brown Hole' as number 10 is now known.

The leader of the opposition said that clearly the Prime Minister was losing touch with reality if he believed he was a caped crusader who could fly to the rescue in the nick of time.

"Clearly it is time that this government saw the Tory party for the Kryptonite that it is," said David Cameron. "As I said last night on patrol with my sidekick the Bojo-Wonder in his new Routemastermobile, it will be I, 'The TopHatter' that will save Britain!"

Punter loses thousands on “grate gambling site”

Following the summit on Internet gambling we talked to people who find wagering too much of a temptation. This is the story of one woman who did not wish to be named, Marge Billingsworth.
"It all started one afternoon when I heard about a grate gambling site. It was so easy to get access to, I could play all day without having to travel to a casino or even to my local newsagent for scratch cards.

"I would play for a few hours a day. Initially I was just doing £10 a throw, but then I realised it was more exciting doing £30, then £60 and more. By the end of the week I was completely hooked. I would sit on the kerb and throw the notes towards the drain. Some would flutter harmlessly to the side, others would land across the grate, but as I threw increasingly large bundles of cash into the sky, more and more would fall into the sewer.

"The thing is there were no warnings at all on the grate. No one told me that I could so easily lose thousands of pounds, nor that I would develop a bad case of piles from sitting on the cold pavement.

"There needs to be more regulation to save us from ourselves and from doing things that are, well, obvious to most people. Friends tried to help me – they said that if I talked to someone or took advice from a professional that I would probably be sectioned as frankly if I can’t cope with something as straightforward as gambling then how can I realistically take part in society?

"I was one of the lucky ones, I discovered Internet gambling, now I can sit in the comfort of my own home playing poker without any risk of piles. Other than the piles of debts I am accumulating!"

Britain's only losing gambler dies

Bookmaker's in Britain were today in mourning after the announcement of the death of Henry Billingsworth. Mr Billingsworth died yesterday at the age of 94 as the man with the reputation of being an amiable loser.

"It is a black day," said Arthur, a regular at Connolly's Turf Accountants in Formby, Merseyside. "He was a chipper chap, was Henry, everyone liked him."

Henry was known as a character in his local, the Red Lion. As beers were downed and the stories of the day's gambling exploits unfolded, it was indeed the case. No one seemed to have come out a loser.

"Aye, I did OK in the bookie's today. Held my own," said Arthur who was a bit flushed having run into the pub. "Guys, can anyone lend me a couple of quid, That roulette machine next door is bound to pay out soon."

"Up and down, up and down. Came out OK" added another, avoiding Arthur's gaze.

"Doing alright. I had a ten-to-one winner three weeks ago.Won £50 I did." said Mike rummaging through his change at the bar to buy his final pint of the day.

"I had a good day, ended a little bit ahead" said Jim, another regular. "I remember Henry. Quite often he would say that he had lost. Sometimes he had ended the day ahead, but quite often he was down."

"Of course I am a bit worried, not a good start to 2007" said David Connolly, the local independant bookmaker, buying a round of drinks at the bar from a bundle of £50 notes. "Henry was a really nice, honest chap and if he was losing some money, he would tell you. If you ask any of my regular punters, they rarely lose and none of them are ever down on the day. I wish i had their luck. Maybe then I could afford a bigger Villa in Spain than the one I currently have and my Jag is getting on for two years old now."