Right wing Africans suggest letting California burn

Conservative leaders across Africa have called for the wildfires in the US state of California to be left to burn uncontrollably as a means of solving the persistent problems affecting the region.

“Every year we see the same pictures on television, of homes being destroyed and peoples’ lives ruined by fire,” said Joseph Mebillingsworth a leading political commentator in Ethiopia. “No matter how much money is spent the same thing happens every year.”

Many political commentators point to California, and Los Angeles in particular, as having a history of chronic water shortages and wildfires as evidence that the land is unable to sustain the current demands placed on it by ten of millions of immigrants over the last 200 years.

“It is clear that the population explosion in California is now unsustainable, forcing people to live close to deadly, dry woodland that can only burst into flames,” said MeBillingsworth. “There are just too many people for the Fire Department of Los Angeles to support. Every year millions of dollars is pumped into LA fire prevention, and yet every year we see the same images – people returning to the wreckage of homes only recently rebuilt from the ashes of previous houses. Clearly giving the area money is not the answer.”

Those that wish to leave California to the flames as the only long-term solution insist that California is rich enough to sustain itself and provide for future generations of Fire-fighters to work the land, but that the state is constantly dragged down by unbearable waste, greed and corruption.

“It is the people at the bottom that suffer, not the ruling elite,” said MeBillingsworth. “Even while the people struggle and the State is apparently bankrupted into selling off anything it can on EBay, the ruling elite have enough to buy the finest clothes from their exclusive shops in Beverly Hills and drive around in limousines.”

Others though believe that leaving the people of California to die in the thousands is morally repugnant in the 21st century.

“California is a fabulous land, it is endowed with enormous natural resources and its people are hard-working and skilled enough to be able to come home to a house that is not on fire,” said one aid worker. “They just need some training in the basics. Such as how to draw maps of those areas that have persistent wildfires. And then learning not to build houses in them.”

As the old investment aid saying goes – “Give a man a fire-truck and his house won’t burn down today. Teach him about sensible urban planning and his town will be out of reach of fires for a lifetime.”

Both left and right of the political spectrum in Africa are in agreement about the plight facing the residents of Los Angeles as they try to once again recover from a vicious circle that many believe is of their own making.

“It is difficult for us, sitting in Africa watching the news, to understand the difficulties of the people of California should they be injured or become ill from the effects of the fires, " said MeBillingsworth. “Their health system really is appalling.”

Investigation into incident involving custard thrown into face of Lord Mandelson asks “Why not hammers?”

The police have launched an investigation into the incident in which green custard was thrown into the face of business secretary, Lord Mandelson.

"We are deeply concerned by this incident," said Detective Superintendent Hugh Billingsworth of the Metropolitan Police. "We want to know why only custard? Why not hammers, or a cat that has just been dunked into a bucket of water?"

The Metropolitan Police have been making inquiries amongst various pressure groups and known agitators to understand the reasoning behind the attack.

"The attack was of a very puerile and unsophisticated nature," said Billingsworth. "I mean what about a slinky made out of razor wire? Or a hot McDonald’s apple pie?"

Pressure groups have moved to distance themselves form the green custard attack, allegedly launched by environmental campaigner Leila Deen over the business secretary’s support for a third runaway at Heathrow airport.

"I would have gone for an angry badger myself. They can be vicious little bastards," said a spokesman for Greenpeace. "Of course they need to be protected, we wouldn’t want one of them to be bitten by Mandelson."

The police are also investigating the ease with which Ms Deen was able to avoid security and approach Lord Mandelson.

"She seems to have had plenty of time to enact her plan, which means she could have had an accomplice, " said Billingsworth. "If that is the case, why not throw a big tub of honey over him and a box of angry bees?"

Insiders in the New Labour Party are now debating as to whether this very public humiliation will in anyway damage his position within the cabinet. One senior party member who did not wish to be identified commented: "Well there is something of the shite about him."

Following news that Lord Mandelson has complained of "slight" facial irritation the Police are re-analysing the green custard itself.

"It turns out that the custard was made with whole milk," said Billingsworth. "We are hopeful that Lord Mandelson is lactose intolerant."

Emma Thompson prepared to fly to Hollywood, so you don’t have to

Hollywood star Emma Thompson added her support to the campaign to ensure that you are as sweaty and stressed as possible at check-in by helping to purchase a small piece of land to block the expansion of Heathrow airport.

"Travelling across the world is not something for the ordinary public, they are hardly ever photographed at the airport," said Ms Thompson, star of the Chicago based film ‘Stranger than Fiction’. "Everyone should think about the environment as much as I do on the long-haul flights to LA for the Oscars."

The Hollywood star said that she was prepared to fly as often as her career needed to ensure that other people did not have to suffer the pangs of conscience of contributing to Climate Change through their travel habits.

"Really, everyone should just stay at home and watch my DVDs. I am prepared to fly to Hollywood as often as possible to ensure that there are plenty of DVDs in the shops," said the star that uses exclusive VIP areas at airports. "We will fight the Heathrow development, even if we have to farm turkeys. No one wants to see another series of my sketch show ‘Thompson’ do they? No? Ah Well."

Other stars have joined the Greenpeace campaign - that aims to control where UK citizens travel in the world - by contributing to the purchase of the football-pitch sized piece of land.

"My career is largely UK based, and so I am more than happy to restrict everyone else’s freedom to travel," said impressionist Alistair McGowan waving a spade threateningly. "Anyway, I haven’t been on TV much recently so a spot on the news might be good. I can do David Beckham you know."

Greenpeace said it welcomed the assistance of the high-profile celebrities and believes their commitment was more than just naïve attention seeking from stars whose films have included locations in Morocco, Venice and New York.

"They are really in it for the long-haul – pardon the pun," said Ernest Billingsworth, a Greenpeace spokesman. "Emma has a lot of empathy to bring to the cause, which she demonstrated when filming ‘Imagining Argentina’ on the streets of Buenos Aires – however she got there."

It is understood that Ms Thompson is planning to construct an environmentally sound cottage on her patch of land near the planned Heathrow extension. Building of her ecological ‘Sanctimonium’ will commence as soon as she has got over the long walk back from presenting at this week’s Golden Globe ceremony in Los Angeles.

George Bush to miss Republican Convention in attempt to hold back Hurricane Gustav

Part time US President George W. Bush has announced that he will not attend his Republican Party’s National Convention in Minnesota due to the evacuation and impending crisis in New Orleans.

"My soothsayers told me that the wrath of God Almighty would be descending on New Orleans at about the same time that I was scheduled to make a speech in support of that nice old Mr McCain," explained President Bush. "At times of crisis I am bound by duty to help the people of Louisiana just as I have helped tens of thousands in Afghanistan and Iraq."

White House aides say that President Bush was to take time out from his busy schedule of dancing with international dignitaries to be on the beach as Hurricane Gustav arrives so that he can hold it back to prevent more flooding of God’s Country.

"I am the Commander-in-Chief and therefore I will be right there, in the surf, commanding this Gustav fellow to go back to Godless Cuba where it can only kill communists and not God fearing Christians," said the President as he was shown a map of the USA. "Hey we’re going near Georgia, we should say ‘Hey’ to that nice Mr Putin who has just put his army there."

When asked if he felt there was any reason why the people of New Orleans should suffer losing their homes and livelihoods twice in three years, President Bush said that the solution lay at the State and not Federal level.

"The place is full of French Catholics and Voodoo," he said. "Even the ones I save are probably going to hell."

Mrs Bush said that it wasn’t just her husband’s duty as President to save American citizens but it was a historical role she felt he had to fulfil.

She said: "I now understand why all those people lining the streets in London where chanting ‘For King Cnut! For King Cnut!’ as we passed."

Al Gore to lead obesity campaign

Fresh from his victory at this year's Nobbies in Oslo, where he walked away with the Nobel Prize for Film making, Al Gore says he is now prepared to help the UK government in their battle against obesity that they have likened to the fight against global warming.

“Obesity is a challenge we all face and is something close to my heart,” said the big-boned former vice-president of the United States. “It is a big challenge, and one that is getting bigger all the time. Let's face it, what fatties don't want is an increase in global temperatures, which is another piece of the pie.”

Mr Gore said that he would embark on a lecture tour, sponsored by the new Haagen Dazs offsetting scheme, whereby, for every tub of posh ice cream that you buy, someone in India runs a lap of a forest. He is also planning a new movie on the perils of obesity, entitled 'A Big Fat Fact'. He also revealed that his work with the British government would be a new solo project.

“I feel I have gone as far as I can with my backing group, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change,” he said. “You know how it is, artistic differences. The rest of the group has these pretensions at doing thoughtful work.”

The Peace Prize winner also brushed off criticism from the High Court of being alarmist and using misleading evidence.

“If it is alarmist and incorrect to say that we are all going to die when the whole of Mount Kilimanjaro melts on us, then I don't want to be right.” he said at the Vanity Fair after-ceremony party in Oslo.

The Health Secretary, Alan Johnson, said that Mr Gore's Nobel Prize winning talents of public relations, spectacular computer models and exaggerated claims were exactly the things needed to complement the government's action plan for combating obesity.

“Obesity is a problem that will have an impact on all areas of society, at home and at work,” said Mr Johnson. “We will need stronger sofas, and sturdier office chairs. Mr Gore's Oscar-winning talents will be able to connect with obese people right where it matters; sitting in the cinema, behind a jumbo bag of popcorn.”

Anti-Environmentalist 'Brown Life' campaign gathers strength

Anti-environmentalism is a new reactionary movement whose followers believe that the green lobby is distorting the current scientific evidence regarding Climate Change. The movement is gathering strength from those who feel angered by overt environmentalism.

"Frankly it all disgusts me," said Frank Billingsworth, a retired army Major from Surrey. "All these tree-huggers telling us what we can and cannot do. It's not right. It's a free country and I am free to be an anti-environmentalist."

Mr Billingsworth said that as a reaction to the green movement he is now actively taking steps to use more energy and increase his level of pollution.

"You know, it is the little things that count. Nowadays I don't leave my TV on standby when I am not watching it. Now I just leave it on. Especially overnight. I turn it up loud, turn the brightness right up and just stick ear plugs in."

Mr Billingsworth said that it was becoming increasingly difficult to lead a "brown" lifestyle as technology improves and our lives become naturally more energy efficient.

"When I hear friends talk about their carbon offsetting, it makes me pleased." said former Major Billingsworth. "It means that when I go home and put both the air-conditioning and the heating on I am undoing all their good work."

Perhaps surprisingly Frank's wife Elsie drives a Toyota Prius hybrid car, but is still keen to help her husband's cause.

"We co-ordinate our journeys in terms of their environmental impact," said Mrs Billingsworth. "Frank uses the Land Rover only to go to the supermarket to buy in-organic veg and veal cutlets that have been flown in overnight from New Zealand, whereas I only use the Prius for long motorway journeys. It takes longer to get to my sister's in Edinburgh, but I refuse to get out of second gear or take the handbrake off. Of course if I was going a shorter distance, say to visit my children who live near Gatwick I would just drive to Manchester and fly back down."

Whilst many people argue that even if you don't believe any of the Climate Change evidence it still makes common sense to be energy efficient and cut down on pollution, Frank disagrees.

"God gave us dominion over the Earth and all the beasts of His Kingdom," said the Major. "So it is no business of any do-gooder how much sulphur there is in the tyres that I use to barbecue my Tiger Steaks in winter. Sure it would be nice if the trees were still alive in my garden, but the palls of black smoke are a price worth paying for our principles."

Outbreak of “Bluetongue” in 10 Downing Street

The Prime Minister has confirmed rumours of another outbreak of the disease Bluetongue, this time within central London and believed to be the centred on Whitehall.

“There has been a number of instances that have been identified in the press as being cases of Bluetongue,” said Gordon Brown from within the exclusion zone within Downing Street. “Jack Straw's most recent announcement regarding so called 'Have a go heroes' is the latest such policy outbreak.”

The government has come under fire for not protecting the country from this deadly contagion, a disease that can lead to a foaming of the mouth and cause the afflicted to produce large amounts of bile and venom. This can manifest itself as a 'Blue Rage' targeted at the weaker members of societal groups, such as those from different cultural backgrounds.

“The last big outbreak was in the '80s when most of the country was afflicted by a virulent outbreak of Bluetongue that originated in the town of Grantham and spread nationwide via Downing Street and Westminster,” said historian Gerald Billingsworth. “Those most at risk were the weaker and poorer areas of society, such as the mining and manufacturing communities.”

It had been thought that not only had the disease been eradicated from Britain but that the scenes of widespread devastation caused by the rampages across the land of those most severely afflicted had inoculated the country against future infections.

“The lessons learnt from the last outbreak seemed to have prevented any further cases over the last decade,” explained Mr Billingsworth. “After a great deal of pain the country was finally able to be rid of the scourge of Bluetongue when the carriers failed with a policy of inert 'Back to Basics' treatment that ended up with them succumbing to a series of foot 'n mouth outbreaks. The papers of the time often carried distressing pictures of the sufferers, and their secretaries, on their backs with their legs in the air.”

The government has denied that this most recent outbreak occurred when a Bluetongue carrier, thought to be a disease ridden old cow, was recently taken to lunch at Downing Street.

Dolphins suffer from PMT too

Marine Biologists at the world famous Ben Nevis Sea Life Centre have announced startling new research that indicates that dolphins suffer from Pre-Menstrual Tension just as much as humans.

"We have analysed the behaviour of marine mammals including our dolphins for some time, however the breakthrough came with translation of their complicated clicks and whistles," explained Dr Phillippa Billingsworth at the launch of the study, entitled 'I'm Tense and Porpoise'.

The study found that the intelligent marine mammals exhibited heightened tension and irritability that was synchronised to the phases of the moon. The dolphins would often informally segregate by sex and their communications reveal the tensions within the pod.

"All of the members of the pod suffer from PMT, the males as much as the females as it seems they cop the fallout," explained Dr Billingsworth. "Just like with humans."

The transcripts of the dolphin's underwater exchanges hint at this tension and the steps to which the male dolphins are sympathetic but confused by the behaviour of their mates. In one exchange a male dolphin appears to lament to another that "I have no idea, I simply made an encouraging whistle at the young female who was practising her leaps this morning and the missus starts clicking on about how her mother warned about me before we were caught."

In another exchange one of the males is concerned that his mate may be suffering from some sort of mental problem, he says, "She is going nuts mate. She was whistling like a mad thing during feeding this morning. I tried to explain that the reason we spend Christmas with my family is that we were all captured together and hers are still free. She just said that the killer whale in the other tank would be able to jump the sea gate and then she swam off to get her flippers waxed."

"It seems the males are at a loss as to how to react to the females, so when they sense the onset of PMT they try to keep out of their way," said Phillippa. "In one exchange a harassed male says to another member of the pod 'Quick, lets get down to the shallow end and look busy, otherwise the missus will have me jumping through hoops all afternoon.'"

Flood victims speak of their loss

Residents of Yorkshire and Lincolnshire have been complaining to the media that their tragedy is being forgotten and that the government is simply not doing enough to help their plight.

"It is terrible," said Janice Billingsworth from Hull. "People don’t seem to understand the nightmare we are facing. Carpets, furniture, wallpaper, all ruined. It’s a total tragedy."

Those in the flooded areas said that they just did not expect to experience such total devastation to the contents of their cupboard under the stairs in twenty-first century Britain.

"It is ok for the people of Bangladesh. The thousands that die in flooding there have never known the hardship of laying a laminate floor," wailed Ms Billingsworth. "The tens of millions of people who are left homeless will never have queued up for half an hour at their local B&Q."

Those hit worst by the flooding and who have lost sofas and even kitchen units feel that with the attention of the media focussed elsewhere they are not getting the aid they require.

"When there are tens of thousands of people in Bangladesh or India spending weeks sitting in tree-tops waiting for the torrents of floodwater to subside enough to let a small reed boat save their children it gets on the telly," she said fighting back the tears. "Whereas no one seems interested that we have had to take up not only the laminate floor in the kitchen but also the tiles that were underneath!"

It isn’t just the media that is the target of the resident’s complaints, they feel that the government, and new Prime Minister Gordon Brown, should be doing more to help.

"When we bought the house the survey said that there was a risk of flooding but we spent the insurance money for flood cover on a new plasma TV. Which was also ruined." explained an emotional Ms Billingsworth. "I don’t see why I should pay for a new one. Taxpayers from all over the UK should as it is their water not mine. Or something."

Businesses have also suffered from the deluge. Gill Binsworth, landlady at the Riverside Tavern said that her pub had been ruined and wanted to know who was going to help.

"We bought the pub eight years ago, we fell in love with it at first sight when we realised that we could charge extra for our beer since the place commanded such excellent views of the river. It was lovely with the river coming right up to the edge of the beer garden. Now it is in the snug," she said. "This is the third time it has flooded and I am getting a bit fed up putting new carpets in. I now know how the people of Mumbai felt when a thousand people died in flooding there last year."

Surprisingly one area of industry that traditionally leads the calls for increased government or EU aid has been silent.

"Aye, well you know, rain and water, loss of crops. That’s just part of farming" said a spokesman for the National Farmer’s Union. "Although I don’t know who is going to pay for the replacement of my wood burning Aga stove."

Video solves "Car death family" mystery

Police in the Netherlands today released a statement confirming that they have solved the mysterious deaths of four members of the Rekeningwaard family. They were found dead in their Humvee last month after apparently having lunch from a drive through restaurant.

"Initially we were confused," explained Inspecteur Johan Janssen leading the investigation. "When the car was discovered there was no outward sign of any problem. It certainly wasn’t an intentional suicide."

Police were baffled as, whilst overweight, autopsies on the two adults and two children revealed no cause of death.

"Eventually we found a video on the mother’s camera phone which revealed how they came to die, which we think is a lesson to all of us," said Inspecteur Janssen



"We all like our luxury living," said the inspector. "Although I guess there should be a warning in that Old Icelandic proverb – that man likes the smell of his own farts."

PM fears fortnightly rubbish collection

Tony Blair today entered into the controversy surrounding proposals to change some of the nation’s rubbish collection to fortnightly arguing in favour of the more traditional weekly collection.

“I am a bit of a traditionalist on this,” said the Prime Minister. “There are many people, like me, who believe that the country is best served by the collection of rubbish each and every week. As many people know I was not so keen on a longstanding tradition in the borough of Westminster for the rubbish to have two smaller collections, twice weekly, on Tuesday and Thursday which was why I moved Prime Minister’s Questions to a single larger collection on Wednesdays.”

The major concerns have been centred on increasingly large amounts of garbage being allowed to fester for greater periods providing opportunities for the infestation of maggots.

“The maggot infestation in Westminster is very real,” commented Mr Blair. “I think there is a great risk that it will give the Tory party time to produce a load of mad policies, frankly, that will wriggle out into the mainstream and provide a rich breading ground for the spread of Conservatism.”


The idea of moving rubbish collections to a fortnightly service has been proposed by several groups in the country as a drive to increase recycling and thus to lead to an improvement in environmental conditions in the long term.

“Well, that is a good and noble idea, but flawed, since it will give the maggots time to develop new ways to attack a defenceless and innocent Prime Minister,” he continued. “We have a good record on recycling of the same messages and themes of always harking back to the previous government’s time in power. In fact I believe that my answers to PMQs have been recycled 17% more, in real terms, than they were in 1979.”

Spy reveals MI6 economy drive

Speaking from an undisclosed location, a British secret agent, has launched a stinging attack on the UK’s mysterious espionage masters. The agent, who revealed himself as “Deux Blow Sven” said that he was frustrated by the new policies which he said were being driven by government budget cuts and environmental concerns.

“Many people think it is all a life of fast cars, yachts, and expensive hotels,” he said. “Those days are long gone and, frankly it is starting to affect the way we operate.”

‘Sven’ revealed that as part of his recent investigations he had been required to travel from London to Frankfurt, to follow the trail of a master-criminal planning on holding the GPS system to ransom.

“Well it was all a bit more stressful than in the past. Previously I would just turn up at the airport smelling of the perfume of last night’s conquest covered in the blood of my last victim,” he reminisced. “This time I had to have an early night because of the need to get the first off-peak Stansted Express, “said an exasperated agent. “Then I found out that my tickets were booked on Ryan Air. I carry a lot of … er … specialised equipment, so this took some sorting out.”

Whilst his suspect had flown into Frankfurt’s main airport, ‘Deux Blow Sven‘, on Ryan Air landed in Frankfurt Hahn airport.

“Yes, that was a problem, my tracking devices that I had planted in his suitcase, only have a range of 50 km, nowhere close enough to a city for a Ryan Air flight,” explained the agent. “Of course having to take the bus into Frankfurt to my Travelodge added another couple of hours.”

‘Deux Blow Sven’ had given up all hope of tracking down the Super-villain until a chance meeting at a cybercafé in the city centre put him back on the trail.

“Yes, we had a laugh about it. Before I killed him!” smiled the British Spy. “It turned out SMERSH has implemented a sophisticated, but bureaucratic, carbon offsetting system and my target was having a nightmare calculating the emissions from his stolen Arianne space rockets.”

Animals at risk of unemployment

Animal welfare groups today unveiled a new co-ordinated campaign to highlight the plight of millions of animals.

"These animals are now starting to suffer at the hands of man," explained Maureen Billingsworth of the environmental pressure group ‘Jobs For The Beasts’. "Globalisation’s insatiable growth and consumption is depriving hundreds of species of their means of survival."

The JFTB says that the Miner Bird is now rarely found in Western Europe following the closure of pits in places such as Wales and Northern England. Clown Fish, once popular with children of all ages whether it be in home tanks or parties at public aquaria, have now been cast aside in favour of Polish magicians. Similarly the decline of the Russian navy has led to destitution for most Red Admiral butterflies.

Decades of legislation outlawing cruel practices and blood sports have forced breeds such as the Boxer Dog to ply its trade underground but even those opportunities are being taken by the cheaper competition in the form of Chinese Fighting Dogs.

"The spread of IKEA and the preference for wicker or MDF furniture has thrown millions of Carpenter Ants onto the scrapheap," said Mrs Billingsworth. "Although there does seem to be a growth of opportunities in the middle east for Soldier Ants."

The JFTB said that field researchers had discovered evidence that some animals had been forced to take degrading jobs to survive, although they have not been able to confirm rumours that some Sperm Whales have been working in the porn industry.

The campaign groups want extensive funding to set-up animal security network, providing retraining and support for the members of the animal kingdom that have become disenfranchised. However they are conscious they need to proceed with caution due to the usage of camouflage - the Pilot Fish Support Group collapsed when it was discovered none of them could actually fly a plane.

"It isn’t all bad news," said Mrs Billingsworth. "If we can secure the right level of government funding for these animals we are sure there will be a bright future for Sponges."

Japanese whalers welcome news of artificial dolphin fins

The news that Fuji the dolphin has received an artificial fin, to replace her own amputated tail, has been welcomed by the Japanese whaling association.

“This is great news, “ commented Kadoma Takase of the Japan Whaling Association. “The news that Fuji is swimming happily and back to her old self thanks to modern technology is a real encouragement to all of us. It proves what we have been saying for years, that we can slice off bits of dolphins and whales as much as we like. Now we can even replace the severed bits and they will be as happy as ever.”

The Japanese fishing and whaling industries have come under increased pressure to end practices such as the annual slaughter at Taiji in southern Japan, where conservationists estimate over 2000 dolphins are killed each year.

“We have proud traditions, such as those in Taiji, but we are a modern organisation and are constantly lobbying for greater scientific study of marine mammals,” said Mr Takase. “This innovation means that we might also be able to save costs. Traditionally our proud history of marine mammal research has involved the use of numerous large ships and expensive harpoons. Now we only need a few smaller nets and a really sharp knife.”

The JWA hopes that they will be able to extend the techniques to not just other parts of dolphins, but also to other animals. “Shark’s fin soup is a prized delicacy and we hope to be able to bring it to more restaurant goers.” said Takasesan.

Japanese consumers were unconvinced that mutilation rather than killing would be a compromise suitable for both the international community and Japan’s proud history of marine study.

“Artificial fins?” queried a patron at a Tokyo restaurant sarcastically. “I am sure they will taste rubbery.”

4x4 vehicles “demonstrate penis envy”

Published today are the findings into a study on the motivations of 4x4 drivers. The surge in the numbers of these urbanised off road vehicles has prompted many theories into the merits or otherwise of these behemoths of private transportation. The report details a direct link between the 4x4 and sexuality.

“The motor car is a representation of our public image and a projection of our ego,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth, leader of the research team. “It has long been accepted that the car represents the silent projection of our ego to strangers. Feminists for years have pointed to the psychological projection of the big powerful sports car as compensation for men who may feel threatened about the prowess of their manhood. Our new study shows that indeed this trend continues with 4x4 vehicles.”

“The 4x4 represents a bullying, macho presence on the road. It intimidates other road users and is territorial in its selfish use of resources. Clearly attributes associated with Testosterone driven masculine behaviour,” alleged Professor Billingsworth. “However, the demographic of the 4x4 driver shows normal occupancy to be by a mother on the school run and then heading off to the shops. Without a doubt these drivers are suffering from penis envy.”

Charlie Billingsworth of the Merged Union of Feminist Fellowships responded. “What rubbish, sports cars being penis extensions is scientific fact. The idea that women drivers of off-road vehicles are somehow in need of extra strength and assertiveness, needing to penetrate the traffic with impunity by a powerful, imposing, presence that is wider and longer than anything else on the road ….. Oh.” blushed Ms Billingsworth. “I see. Well he would say that wouldn’t he? He drives a Ford Probe.”

Controversy over new Wind Farm plans

“It’s madness.” complained Councillor Helen Billingsworth “It is just completely idiotic and badly thought through.”
Councillor Billingsworth was commenting on a recent planning application for more renewable energy power generation and the plans that have been proposed for two new sites in the Cumbrian Mountains.
“Being born and bred in a rural area, I absolutely support any action that helps the environment. Renewable energy is vital to that. But really? A Wind Farm? Up on the majestic hilltops surrounding Keswick and Derwant water, which some people say is the most mystic and tranquil of the wonderful lakes? Really its madness!” she ranted.
“Obviously it would be an eyesore, but it isn’t even practical. Have you been up there? It is windy enough for God’s sake! What do we need more wind for? The gusts get up to over 100mph and some lunatic wants to put bloody big fans the size of tower blocks up there to blow more wind around. Madness I tell you!” frothed Councillor Billingsworth at the planning meeting in Kendal.
“And where are you going to get the energy from to power them? You are going to need a bloody big power station to power those fans!” she screamed as she was led away.
Representatives of the Keswick Kite Krew were said to be lobbying in favour of any plans for “Big Wind Generators”.