NRA Admits “Guns Are For Professionals, Not Our Enthusiastic Amateur Members”

The NRA today confessed that its members were not very good at using guns and advised US authorities to get some professionals in to assist with school security.

"The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun and we have always asserted that Bubba and his AR15 can lend his amateurish enthusiasm to the problem,” said the NRA's French sounding Wayland LaBillingsworth. "These school shootings are never stopped by a gun carrying citizen. It’s now time for only professional Americans use weapons of death. "

Mister, or perhaps Monsieur, LaBillingsworth's comments came during a press conference when he was forced to admit that the National Rifle Association's age old policy of equipping every US citizen with an assault weapon and armour piercing grenades didn't seem to stop mass shootings across the country.

“One of our members was at a library protesting about books on Dinosaurs. He said that he saw a book on the British Armed forces. It was quite a shock. They don’t appear to have stood still in the last 250 years,” explained LaBillingsworth. “Our member said that the British have tanks, and planes and nuclear weapons. He said he wasn’t sure his rumpus room cum shelter and AR-15 could take a full assault by the Royal Marines. They’ve got helicopters and submarines. The King of England is armed to the teeth!”

LaBillingsworth said that the revelation of the strength of the former colonial master of the USA had made him re-evaluate the whole concept of personal protection.

“I think we really need to think of the role the US Army should play when the British attack our elementary schools,” he added. “I don’t think the US Army should stand idly by - in fact the only sensible deterrent is to deploy some of our own nukes into each school in the country.”

David Starkey Claims Rioting Fuelled By Culture Revering Study Of History Of The Middle Ages

In a controversial interview, constitutional historian David Starkey has provoked outrage by claiming that the recent riots were not in fact protests but where a result of the oppression and ostracising of white scholarly historians from mainstream culture.

“We were showing authority that we can do whatever we like. If we want to write hefty tomes after studying the Wives of Henry VIII then we will,” said Starkey yesterday. “These riots will keep happening until the government does something for us, say by increasing research funding into Tudor history.”

Mr Starkey was speaking during an interview in which he defended the mass looting and lawlessness that appears to have been perpetrated by groups of masked historians and economists as they smashed the windows of Waterstones, Foyles and antiques shops everywhere.

“It was terrible, they just charged in and took everything I had on Queen Elizabeth I, everything was gone,” said a specialist bookshop owner in Eltham. “They screamed at me that this was caused by the feminisation of history.”

Onlookers said that the gang of academic may claim to be protesting, but really it was just an excuse for robbery and intimidation.

“You see them hanging around in their 3-piece-suits, scaring normal hoodies. They wear belts and have their trousers pulled up properly; their shoes have laces in.” said one resident who did not wish to be named. “They aren’t even trying to have their pants slipping down to make it look like they’ve just been released from police cells like a normal person would.”

The controversy has been sparked after Mr Starkey claimed during a TV discussion that recent looting in England’s most significant cities, and Manchester, was conducted by a homogenous youth culture that had come to revere the urbane, sophisticated analytical style of the Oxford don, or a 60 year old television historian.

“You can’t make this them and us, you can’t simply say that this trouble is only caused by people who have rejected the urban, anti-authoritarian, criminal gang culture popularised by the hip-hop community,” opined one Guardian columnist. “This is all of our cultures, we need to reach out to those that know only Tudor history, to offer them the opportunity to study the Yorks and the Stuarts too.”

Starkey was unrepentant in the face of much criticism.

“Fuck da Feds, right, dey just want us all to be the same, innit, like, but ‘dis is us getting our fellowship grants back, innit,” he said, speaking on Newsnight. “When me an my mans Schama and Ferguson get warring we is gonna fuck them bruddars up badstyle, you get?”

Society Declares Everything Is Now Free

A new era has finally dawned, we are now living the “Star Trek” future were there is no need for money, people just enjoy their hobbies and food appears out of nowhere. These are the findings of a weeklong study from groups of field researchers taking in England’s most significant cities. And Manchester.

“Money is now a thing of the past,” said behavioural scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “Everything is available on-demand and money serves now only to be received, not spent. For example I received £25 for these trainers that I demanded from a terrified man in Ealing.”

The researchers found that 2011 had seen the realisation of a future previously only imagined by science-fiction writers such as Gene Roddenberry or H.G. Wells. Now at last are huge tracts of society that find no need for money and spend time pursuing knowledge – such as Stellar Cartography , expressing themselves creatively – such as writing plays exploring the human condition, or getting bonged out of its mind and setting fire to Carpet Right – such as 8 packs of Stella Artois and some firelighters knicked from the Co-op

“Previously most people have only been able to take part in this new free society via the Internet. We have been free for years simply taking music, or movies etc without the burden of paying for them. But technology had not progressed to where my material desires could be so easily realised in the physical world,” explained Professor Billingsworth. “Then, last Monday, we discovered I was able to ‘hack’ the window of Currys with a brick. Suddenly everything was free. Now I can watch Eamonn Holmes in HD. ”

Professor Billingsworth said that it was early days yet to see how the new economy will function now that everything is free. Critics have complained that someone must work to make things, whether physical or not, and that this new model may ultimately be unsustainable if the people making things aren’t paid for their efforts.

“Well, I don’t know how they aren’t making money out of trainers, I mean I did. If they don’t like making trainers they can try something else. Now I have an HD TV I’d quite like a new Blu-Ray player, so they could make me one of those instead,” said the Professor. “Although they’ll need to build me a new outlet first, since I burned the previous shop down when I left.”

Lazy scum seeking justice for new trainers and the latest sick BlackBerry Bold. Respek!

As scum across the country woke up to see that it wasn’t all a dream and that they did indeed have the newest brightest orange trainers and boxes of the latest smartphones, they all said that this was a clear act of solidarity with whatisface, you know the bloke with the gun, or cab or something from London wasn’t it?

“I have to make a stand. It has gone on for too long, this outrage of me not having a 3D TV. So I took the half-brick of justice, and I smashed the windows of the oppressing power of the British Heart Foundation shop in Ealing. I thought yeah, that will teach you people to give up your time and possessions in the hope of making people’s lives better. That shop is a fucking disgrace,” said one masked looter. “All the telly’s and that was old and they didn’t even have a BluRay player. Er. BluRay player Of justice, for you know, him who got shot was it? Yes! Someone has got the tracksuits from JD. The Tracksuits of Freedom I mean.”

Many of the so-called rioters are protesting at the injustices they feel by being compelled to live in a society where they can all get education, healthcare, food and shelter without having to work for it.

“Yeah, fuckerz, we got a new laptop last night init, this is for that Tottenham bloke, the one with all the being shot yeah?”, said one user on twitter. “I’ll be thinking of him when I is watching cats in a box on YouTube.”

Whilst images of the looting played around the world have focussed on the destruction of property there is a human cost being felt by the people of the riot hit areas.

“One of my mans, right, he cut his hand, right, when he smashed the window of the like, right, like, Vodafone shop, like, right, like,” said local child, Martin Billingsworth, 23. “So we is like, right, like, right, gonna like sue. Yeah?”

Politicians have moved quickly to be seen to be saying something that won’t make any difference to the thousands of immature teenagers who have realised that being in a mob means you can steal stuff.

“Well, crikey, Bojo had to give up his hols, but it’s important I am in London at this time of crisis to make sure that when you think of me and you think of London you think Olympics, and bikes,” said Mayor Boris Johnson. “When you think of Cameron, you should think of death and destruction. Boris –Ladies Beach Volleyball, Cameron – babies on fire. Now, who asked the important question about the leadership of the Conservative Party?”

While the financial impact of the disturbances is still being assessed some of the key indicators are already apparent as Gavin from Autoglass has reported that he expects to get a really big bonus this year.

Indestructible Bot-Net To Be Bundled With Future Versions Of Windows

The news of the existence of an indestructible computer system has prompted software giant Microsoft to look to include the TDL bot-net into future versions of Windows as both a time-saving feature for users, but also as a key software distribution platform.

“Basically this bot-net never crashes and has great security,” said Microsoft executive Steve Billingsworth. “So it is already years ahead of Windows.”

The bot-net apparently contains advanced levels of encryption preventing investigators snooping on the traffic between computers upon which it is installed. This contrasts with Microsoft’s Internet Explorer that is surely only one patch away from automatically detailing your credit card details in a full page advert in The Times.

“We are also quite impressed with the ease with which the TDL software can install itself on a computer, silently and with such a small footprint,” said Billingsworth. “No one at Microsoft can understand how they managed to achieve that without at least four reboots and half the available hard disk space.”

However industry analysts have observed that it is unlikely that Microsoft’s quest to formally integrate TDL into the next update to Windows will go unchallenged by the other big online players.

“We are pretty sure that TDL’s purpose is the acquisition of personal data for its creators to sell on at lucrative rates,” said technology analyst Mr Bloggy. “That is basically the mission statement for Facebook – although there the criminal activity is the stupidity of Facebook users.”

Investigators around the world are keen to track down the developers of TDL in the hope of gaining not only a better understanding of the gangs behind the software and what they might be using it for, but also to ask if they could help configure the office printer.

“It is a huge, complicated system that we are at a complete loss as to how it actually works,” said Billingsworth. “Look, it says it is ‘ready’, but then insists on wanting ‘letter’ via the ‘envelope feeder’ – whatever that is.”

MOD Admits That The Army Has Been Stolen

There were red faces in Whitehall last night as a freedom of information request forced the Ministry of Defence to admit that the Army was either lost or stolen.


“In the last few years we have lost nearly our entire army,” explained Brigadier General Sir Herbert Billingsworth DSO. “We still have the Royal Nay though, it is currently patrolling the Serpentine in Hyde Park."

The news came after an MP requested information on the armed forces upon realising that it had been some time since anyone had seen the Army out and about and that it wasn’t answering the phone.

“To be honest we did have a nagging feeling that something was awry, I used to have loads of soldiers all in lines at parades and the like, I needed a car to inspect them all,” said the Brigadier General. “I first became suspicious when I realised the inspection of active servicemen was finished as soon as I checked my driver's collar was turned down en route to the parade.”

The Brigadier General said that an intensive search had been carried out for the Army and enquiries had been made with its most important contacts, but local pub landlords and prostitutes where equally mystified by its disappearance.

“We were hopeful we might be able to recover an aeroplane as we had information that some had been seen being operated by something called an RAF,” said Billingsworth. “However when we questioned the shell-shocked and battle-weary group disembarking it turned out to be a scheduled RyanAir flight.”

The list of MOD property that has been stolen runs to many pages and not only includes the loss of the armed forces, but following the botched SAS mission that was captured by Libyan farmers the inventory was re-issued to include the loss of reputation and respect.

“On the other hand we have gained the support of The Sun,” said Billingsworth. “And Jim Davidson. Bugger.”

Newspapers In Disarray As Man With Normal Hair Charged With Murder Of Joanna Yeates

Staff at The Sun were said to be devastated that a man with normal looking hair had been charged with the murder of young, blonde, architect, Joanna Yeates, seemingly the only woman to go missing over Christmas.

"The cops have now got to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible because this bloke Tabak has normal looking hair, and a girlfriend and everything,” said Emily Billingsworth, Donkey Porn actress and secret journalist for The Sun. “He's not a loner and his hair is simply not blue enough to be a murderer. If his hair isn't mad, he can't be.”

Pals said Sun “journos” were distraught that their beautiful “weird, posh, lewd, creepy” innuendo filled story had been murdered at such a young age.

“We really are in bits, we have got people all over the place, some even in Holland which is outside London, apparently,” said a tired and emotional Billingsworth, 19, who was seen leaving a nightclub at 3am this morning and wanted to set the record straight. “I am not putting on weight, it is an allergic reaction to the same bipolar medication Kerry Katona takes.”

The newsroom at the Daily Mail was, however, said to be pleased to be able to extend their in-depth coverage of the murder and that recent developments had vindicated the “newspapers” general editorial stance.

“Whilst Jo wasn't the only person to go missing over Christmas she was of course the most attractive-blonde-female of those that did,” said one staff member at the Daily Mail who did not wish to be named to spare his family from the shame of what he did for a living. “But of course this Vincent Tabak bloke looks to be a typical, dodgy, foreigner who came over here to take our jobs and our lovely fruity, blonde, women.”

Parents Petition Iraq Inquiry So Soldiers Remembered Not As Fallen Heroes But Murderers Killed In The Act

As Tony Blair returned to give evidence at the Iraq Inquiry several parents of soldiers killed in action continued to insist that their sons were perpetrators of murder, terrorism and armed revolution and should not be thought of as brave young men fighting for their country, their families or their way of life.

“My son Steven died in Iraq in what I want the inquiry to confirm as an illegal war so that I remember my son appropriately,” said proud father Herbert Billingsworth whose son was killed in a helicopter accident three years ago. “Steven was proud to be part of the British Army and he has been commemorated as a war hero. But really he should be remembered as a trained mercenary employed by a rogue regime to enact bloody revolution in a foreign land.”

Herbert Billingsworth is determined to ensure that the evil mastermind of the plot of Arab world domination is unmasked and brought to justice.

“I want the inquiry to confirm that my son volunteered to be a henchman to Tony 'Drax' Blair's evil plan to steal the world's oil,” said Billingsworth. “Rather than someone who died for their country, Steven can be remembered as a highly dangerous and murderous gang member.”

Herbert Billingsworth also wants the inquiry to confirm that the professional soldiers should have had a choice not only of the wars they fought but also of the tools and equipment they were given to use in battle.

“Any self-respecting warmonger or evil megalomaniac makes sure that their henchmen have the latest in death rays, biological weapons and portable shark-tanks in which to hide captured satellites,” said Billingsworth. “The so-called soldiers fighting for this murderous regime are so poorly equipped they don't even have proper jet packs or metal teeth.”

A spokes-henchman for Tony Blair would not comment on matters to do with the Iraq inquiry, or even if Blair would answer questions whilst stroking a pussy. Cherie Blair is believed to be out of the country.

Police To Unveil Special Dog Walking Constables Branch Of Missing Person’s Bureau

The police forces of England and Wales will continue moves at both modernisation and cost reduction with the inauguration of a world first branch of Special Dog Walking Constables, to take place in the New Year.

“For many years we have struggled with the effectiveness of our Missing Persons bureau, we hope to boost that with specially deputised dog walkers,” explained Chief Constable Billingsworth. “If it is a success we will look to employ some early morning joggers too.”

In recent years it has become apparent that hundreds of trained Police dog handlers performing methodical searches of towns, cities and the countryside have a success rate far below a retired bank manager walking a Yorkshire terrier.

“Hardly a month goes past without the body of a missing person being discovered in the undergrowth not by the police but by a member of the public out walking their dog,” said Billingsworth. “We have spent millions on helicopters, metal detectors and training but really the likes of Mr Scruffles and his four legged friends are much more effective. Although they do tend to chew the bodies’ fingers.”

The move has been welcomed by the Home Office which sees a dependence on members of the public’s opportunism as being key to the effectiveness of Britain’s remaining policeman on the beat.

“The Great British public has always played a key role in the location of dead bodies,” said a spokesman. “Whether that be dog walkers, long distance lorry drivers with their roguish smiles and mysterious rolls of carpet or the early more traditional early morning jogging murderer.”

The new “Big Society” approach to criminal investigations may also improve the breadth of searches for missing people, the Home Office believes, such as the case of a British boy who went missing in South Africa this summer.

“Certainly there is an opportunity to increase the types of searches and the success rates,” said the spokesman. “Normally all we ever see on the TV is people searching for pretty, blonde, female bodies.”

The increased usage of dog walkers will free up Police officers for more vital desk based roles in the hunt for missing people.

“We plan, over time, to transfer staff to our eBay missing person search group,” said Billingsworth. “They have had great success when purchasing old fridge-freezers that are padlocked shut.”

Transcript Of Pope Benedict’s Future Meeting With God Discovered

As Pope Benedict XVI tours Great Britain a transcript from the year 2020 has been discovered. It appears to be the minutes of a meeting between the late Joseph Ratzinger and God:-

St Peter	As His papal representative on Earth you get a personal audience, I'll just take the minutes.
God	Ah Ratzinger. Good To See You. This Won't Take Long Now, Just A Few Questions And We Can Process Your Application For Entrance To Heaven.
Ratzinger	So it is true? Heaven, Hell, Jesus, St. Peter. It is all true? My faith is rewarded.
God	Yep, It's True, We'll See About The Reward Bit At The End.
Raztinger	Stick that Muslims.
God	Well, I Am Their God Too.
Ratzinger	Yes, yes, so my version, is the true faith?
God	Well Lets See. Got A Couple Of Questions About Your Devotion, And Any Suffering For The Faith And All That. Right Now, Christianity, Have You Really Stuck To The Boy's Teachings?
Ratzinger	I have served you both faithfully for 93 years.
God	Let's See, Hitler Youth?
Ratzinger	Culture of the time, I never really supported it. I was only in it for the saluting.
God	Really? Shame? See The Jews Still Don't Recognise My Boy And Well I Am An Old Stick-In-The-Mud, So A Pogrom Against The Jews – Well I Have Been Known To Inflict A Bit Of Mass Suffering In My Time.
Ratzinger	Well, erm, yes, it gave focus to youth, did a lot of community work. And saluting. Unflinching adherence to offensive doctrine does prepare one for a life in the Church.
God	But The Persecution, It Wasn't Love Thy Neighbour Was It? That Was The Old Me, Fire, Brimstone, Flood. I Mellowed After The Boy Came Along, Like Many Parents. Love Everyone Was His Message.
Ratzinger	Christ, Oh sorry. This religion lark's tricky. Erm, well the other stuff has been good.
God	Sodomy?
Ratzinger	Complete sin, always been against it. Definitely.
God	Even Between Consenting Adults? Me Fearing Christian Adults?
Ratzinger	Yes, very much so.
God	Rape Of Children?
Ratzinger	Of course, a sin too.
God	I Don't Remember Saying To Defend Paedophiles, You've Spent Decades Doing That.
Ratzinger	Well er, no hold on, that's not totally fair, I mean I had to protect the church.
God	A Church Full Of Paedophiles - You Even Moved Them From One Parish To Another Rather Than Them Face Earthly Justice - Is That What You Were Protecting?
Ratzinger	Well, erm. Christ. I mean. Erm. Sorry. Well really it's just following your example?
God	My Example? This Is A New Interpretation, Even For Me!
Ratzinger	Well you did give Mary one. And she was under-age.
God	She Was A Girl.
Ratzinger	Hence why homosexuality is the ultimate sin and so much worse than fiddling with a choir boy?
God	So There Is Method To Your Madness! Bugger Me.
Ratzinger	Christ no! Oh, sorry. Again.
God	Any Suffering You Want To Discuss – Always Good For Heaven A Bit Of Suffering, Eh Pete?
Ratzinger	I did a fair bit of travelling the world, spreading the Word.
God	You Mean You Drove Around In That Ice Cream Van Of Yours, It's Hardly Being Crucified Upside Down Is It?
Ratzinger	I wore the big hat.
God	Taxpayers Spent Millions And You Didn't Even Give Them A Cornetto.
Ratzinger	I did a gig with Susan Boyle?
God	Christ! Sorry. You're In.

David Cameron Urges Householders To “drag burglars into the kitchen, it's where the knives are”

Conservative leader David Cameron has pledged to strengthen the laws protecting householders if they beat up an intruder in the middle of the night, or maim a dinner party guest whose house price growth is better than your own.

“I believe these people leave their human rights outside, so we will make sure that you can drag a hoodie into your kitchen before you give him a good beating,” said Mr Cameron. “As the criminals say ‘You just watch your step in my manor’ … house.”

Mr Cameron said that the law must be clear, unambiguous and above all appealing to those people who only read the headline or the first paragraph of an article in the Sun or the Daily Mail.

“Householders, especially in High Wycombe, need to know that if they have apprehended an intruder they are free to inflict brain damage upon him,” said Mr Cameron. “They need assurance that the law will allow them the freedom to change weapons during the beating. There will be provisions for the homeowner to choose between an iron bar, a cricket bat or a hockey stick. Or use all 3.”

Mr Cameron was speaking following a number of high-profile cases that have once again re-opened the debate about the levels of extreme violence a member of the public is allowed to inflict on a criminal.

“I think the tariff is clear, no-one is saying that losing a VCR is worth taking a human life for,” said Mr Cameron. “But have you seen the picture quality on the latest LED HD TVs? If someone stole one from you, no court could begrudge you cutting their spines with a carving knife.”

Mr Cameron emphasised that it was the duty of political leaders to ensure that ever strengthening human rights were not abused by the law breaking to weaken the protection of the law abiding.

“It is one of the greatest principles of English Common Law that Myleene Klass’s home is her castle,” said Mr Cameron. “All former reality TV contestants who have been out of the limelight for a couple of years should be able to wave a knife out of their own kitchen window without the need for their publicist to phone the Sun.”

FBI – more “aged” images of Osama Bin Laden released

The United States Federal Bureau of Investigations was forced into an embarrassing admission regarding recently released images of Osama Bin Laden aged by a decade. Supposedly processed using sophisticated analytical techniques they had in fact been cut and pasted together from images found on the Internet, including one of a serving Spanish politician.

Today the FBI has released further images in the same series in the hope that one of them will assist in the identification of the leader of Al Qaeda, who may be walking among us.

Prison-rat Gino won't “Do no more porridge for no rat”

Producers of quality challenged broadcaster ITV's-hit programme “Am I a Celebrity? Get out of here!” today defended their animal rights record following accusations of cruelty from the RSPCA of New South Wales regarding the killing of a rat during the making of the last series.

“Animal rights campaigners are not being consistent if they complain about the treatment of a rat that was killed, skinned, cooked and eaten,” said Sir Marmaduke Billingsworth, Head of Programming at ITV1+8 and shop assistant at a central Manchester Blockbuster video store. “If they were serious they would consider the hundreds of thousands of insects that we have killed and maimed over the last 7 years.”

Convicted thief Gino D'Acampo continued to protest his innocence amid mounting concerns that the rat in question was a tame one planted as part of the show with experts insisting that a real-live rat would never have been caught.

“Are the filth saying the rat was a patsy? I ain’t doing no more time for no patsy, not again” said the part-time Italian from North London. “I did a two stretch for nicking Paul Young's guitars, I ain’t going back, Ernie.” The celebrity then made a booking at Heston Blumenthal's restaurant 'The Fat Duck' whilst screaming “You’ll never take me alive you slag!”

The producers say that they take extensive steps to ensure that all the animals mutilated in the programme's 'Bush-Tucker Trials' are treated humanely at all times.

“We play whale music to the live witchetty grubs – as they are sliced in half – to make sure they can't hear Ant McPartlin's voice,” said Billingsworth. “And we taped up the mouths of the baby alligators in case they bit Jordan. We wouldn't want them to catch anything.”

Doomsday machine gets new security system

Engineers at CERN have announced that the Large Hadron Collider, the machine set to kill us all, destroy the Earth and, most shockingly of all, ruin the final of Strictly Come Dancing has had a SF40m security update.

“Last year we were shut down before we could destroy, I mean start our experiment, by one of our magnets heating up,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “Now if a secret agent does attempt at sabotage we will know immediately and a dozen henchmen in orange uniforms will be despatched to resolve the problem.”

Many believe that the LHC (which is the English acronym for the machine’s full French title of SKYNET) is capable of generating a black hole which would severely disrupt voting during the X-Factor. SKYNET has been rumoured to be housed at CERN’s underground lair on the Franco-Swiss border with the 27km super-gun circling a huge underground tank containing at least three genetically engineered shark-crocodile-Katie-Price fembots.

CERN’s announcement of the new warning system was contained in a press release carved into the forehead of an official from the Polish embassy found floating face down in Lake Geneva. This new system will ensure that there is no repeat of November 2008’s forced shut down of the collider, when a black-silhouetted figure was seen hastily working on an elaborate electrical wiring loom as a large clock counted down nearby.

“1 more second and we would have seen the end of the world … wide ignorance of the Higgs-boson,” laughed Professor Billingsworth somewhat maniacally. “Somehow the blue wire was cut with one second to go. Yet again! Maybe we should also change the colour of the firing wire.”

The British Secret Service, MI6, said that the new warning system may represent an end to the chances of saving humanity, unless someone is willing to carpool.

“We can’t send any operatives into the field anymore. The Health and Safety forms needed to sanction a license to kill are horrendous,” said a spokesman. “And let’s not get started about the procedure for carbon offsetting for international flights.”

Investigation into incident involving custard thrown into face of Lord Mandelson asks “Why not hammers?”

The police have launched an investigation into the incident in which green custard was thrown into the face of business secretary, Lord Mandelson.

"We are deeply concerned by this incident," said Detective Superintendent Hugh Billingsworth of the Metropolitan Police. "We want to know why only custard? Why not hammers, or a cat that has just been dunked into a bucket of water?"

The Metropolitan Police have been making inquiries amongst various pressure groups and known agitators to understand the reasoning behind the attack.

"The attack was of a very puerile and unsophisticated nature," said Billingsworth. "I mean what about a slinky made out of razor wire? Or a hot McDonald’s apple pie?"

Pressure groups have moved to distance themselves form the green custard attack, allegedly launched by environmental campaigner Leila Deen over the business secretary’s support for a third runaway at Heathrow airport.

"I would have gone for an angry badger myself. They can be vicious little bastards," said a spokesman for Greenpeace. "Of course they need to be protected, we wouldn’t want one of them to be bitten by Mandelson."

The police are also investigating the ease with which Ms Deen was able to avoid security and approach Lord Mandelson.

"She seems to have had plenty of time to enact her plan, which means she could have had an accomplice, " said Billingsworth. "If that is the case, why not throw a big tub of honey over him and a box of angry bees?"

Insiders in the New Labour Party are now debating as to whether this very public humiliation will in anyway damage his position within the cabinet. One senior party member who did not wish to be identified commented: "Well there is something of the shite about him."

Following news that Lord Mandelson has complained of "slight" facial irritation the Police are re-analysing the green custard itself.

"It turns out that the custard was made with whole milk," said Billingsworth. "We are hopeful that Lord Mandelson is lactose intolerant."

Marauding hordes of Scottish children to be given an extra four years of criminal learning

The age of criminal responsibility in Scotland is to be raised to 12 to bring it into line with other parts of the EU and give Scottish children extra years to improve their criminal behaviour and decide if they have a future in the crime industry.

"For too long now the wee scum of Scotland have had their collars felt at the age of 8, thus depriving them of several formative years as apprentice thieves and murderers," said Kenny McBillingsworth of the SNP. "Now they can have a few year’s extra practice looting and mugging before they are jailed for the first time – giving them a chance to develop their skills for later in life."

The move has been welcomed by tourism groups, who argue that it would improve Scotland’s culture and image around the world, with a consequential impact on employment in the region.

"After a life of cheap cider-fuelled crime and thuggery, the reputation for aggression enjoyed by your average Scotch child is of world renown making them in great demand as mercenaries and child soldiers," said a spokesman for Visit Scotland. "Certainly a Scottish 9 year old with the rage will make even a battle-hardened Taliban fighter run like a wee lassie."

The Scottish government said that the increase in the age of criminal responsibility was part of a package of measures aimed at bringing civilisation to Scotland.

"We are also introducing minimum prices for alcohol because at some point the English taxpayers are going to realise that paying for millions of unintelligible, hate-filled, drunken barbarians is not quite as endearing as they thought," said McBillingsworth. "They might question if it is really a cultural asset to be continually berated over representation whilst the UK political parties are stuffed with angry Scotsmen."

The raising of the age at which Scottish children can be caged as animals has brought condemnation from south of the border, particularly from neighbouring English councils that will now have to face the onslaught of gangs of marauding Scottish ten year olds who would otherwise have been locked up.

"We might have to rebuild Hadrian’s wall. And electrify it," said a councillor from deep within Berwick-upon-Tweed council’s emergency bunker. "Have you seen a Scottish playground? It’s like a scene from a zombie movie. I don’t know if the budget will stretch to machine gun outposts. Don’t open that can of Irn-Bru, it attracts them! Oh Jesus."

London 2012 team: “Only one stabbing in Beijing – that won’t be difficult to beat!”

As the world absorbs the opening of the Beijing 2008 Olympics, the organisers of the 2012 games in London say that they can easily match anything that the Chinese have so far been able to demonstrate.

"Certainly the opening days have impressed many, but they have only had one stabbing in their first twenty-four hours," said Lord Steven Billingsworth from the 2012 committee. "That single stabbing, even in the historic setting of the Drum Tower will be nothing. Our preliminary opening ceremony plans alone have 31 fatal stabbings."

Details are still far from being finalised, since there has yet to be a final decision as to whether or not shootings will also be included in the Olympic ceremony. However the organisers plan to take a leaf out of China’s book when it comes to portraying Britain’s foremost position in world history.

"There will be a colourful display of synchronised vomiting and the massed ranks of pushchairs being prepared for the ‘Parade of the Teenage Mums’ will be a sight to behold," explained Lord Billingsworth. "All over the world, hairs will be raised on the backs of viewer’s necks by the chanting of the Islamic Fundamentalists and those in the stadium will leave into the dead of night with their spines tingling after the macabre ‘Cabaret of the Hoodies’."

The 2012 team says that London is uniquely placed to host a show of such magnitude not only as a showcase for sporting excellence but also as a genuine human spectacle.

"The Olympic ideals are expressed through normal London life, the pickpockets are swifter, the drug addicts higher and the bad language stronger than anywhere else in the world," explained Lord Billingsworth. "A ten minute walk, assuming you survive, around South East London shows all of human drama in all of it’s multicoloured facets. It’s all there, from the green faces of the crack addicts to the blue faces of battered women being strangled and the red pools of blood outside night-clubs."

His lordship was one of several members of the 2012 organising committee who were today showcasing a new range of branded safety equipment that will be available to visitors and competitors alike.

"Well, they are a little bulky," admitted Lord Coe. "But we expect the need to actually wear a stab-proof vest will motivate marathon runners to overcome its weight and set a world record time through the streets of London."

Karadzic trial seen as only first step in ridding world of evil practices

As the trial begins of the former Bosnian Serb leader Radovan Karadzic, the prosecution team is buzzing with the prospect of taking an important step to bringing to justice one of the most high-profile practitioners of alternative medicine.

"With Karadzic we have one of the leading figures in the field of homeopathic so-called medicine. If our prosecution is successful we will be able to drive a stake of fear into the hearts of other alternative quacks the world over," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth of the Sidcup Centre for the Forceful Advancement of Science.

Karadzic is planning on conducting his own defence in a bid to dilute the charges against him. From killing 1 person in 5 in the Bosnian town of Srebrenica he hopes to spread the effect to a less barbarous sounding 1 in 500 of the Bosnian population as a whole. His defence team has, however, privately advised him that attempts to dilute further to a trace value of having ordered the slaughter of only one in three thousand of the Yugoslav population may be too strong to stomach.

"Mr Karadzic has announced that he doesn’t recognise the trial that we are starting," said Professor Billingsworth. "This is typical behaviour for peddlers of homeopathic remedies. They refuse to recognise any impartial trial of their techniques and instead want to stand a make polemic speeches about ethnic purity and water memory. These people must be stopped before they end up telling us that man walked with dinosaurs and that maps are evil."

Mr Karadzic himself is unrepentant and claims that the picture painted by a decade-long media campaign is biased against him and nothing like the man he actually is.

"The charges against me, that I committed crimes against humanity with my book of poetry ‘Under the Left Breast of the Century’ are unfounded," he said at the opening of his new Homeopathic Clinic cum cell at The Hague. "When I realised how many people had lost limbs due to my shelling of Sarajevo I proposed a humanitarian airlift of 20,000 bottles of 10C ‘Bellis perennis’ for them to dab on their stumps and grow new arms and so on. With a dilution of one litre of daisy juice to 100,000,000,000,000,000,000 litres water this shows exactly how much me and my fellow alternative practitioners care about human suffering."

Weston-super-Mare fire expert misunderstood “end-of-the-pier spectacle”

Holidaymakers in the seaside town of Weston-supe-Mare today awoke to find the cataclysmic results of a misunderstanding during the planning of celebratory events to mark the re-opening of Weston-supe-Mare's world famous Grand Pier.

“I am not taking the fall for this one. It's just a genuine misunderstanding, ” said event pyrotechnics expert Kenneth Billingsworth. “When I was hired they told me they wanted something really special for the end-of-the-pier. Something that would say to everyone that the pier really was finished.”

The historic Grand Pier, today consumed by a raging inferno, was originally constructed in 1904 and had just undergone a multi-million pound refurbishment which the landmark event was planned to celebrate.

“You tell me that wasn't spectacular! Look at the result, everyone knows that pier really is well and truly finished now,” explained Billingsworth.

Kenneth Billingsworth, 58, was only recently hired by North Somerset council in an outreach programme to encourage older members of society with many years of experience to rejoin the workforce, and it is a policy that the local mayor thinks may have to be re-evaluated.

“Given that today was the first day on the job for our new pyrotechnics consultant and that by lunchtime we had lost our most significant tourist attraction” said a spokesman for the mayor's office. “It is fair to say our recruitment programme may need some review, but we will proceed onwards ensuring that there is no discrimination against those who have been unable to work for many years. Kenneth came with huge amounts of experience and a CV of previous fire related work as long as your arm.”

Mr Billingsworth, who previously went by the professional nickname of 'Kindling' due to his role in starting fires, echoed that the first placements by the programme may have some teething troubles.

“The day was great. It's been a few years since I have smelt that intoxicating mix of cold night air and kerosene. The screws kept me well away from that sort of stuff, what with all my previous.” he said from under a blanket as he was bundled into a police van, “I think they might need to re-think the programme though, especially as they have just hired my brother Tony 'The Spanner' for his many years of expertise in door-to-door insurance collection.”

When asked if the worldwide attention and the likelihood of serving a further five years in prison as a result of today's events, had deterred Mr Billingsworth from resuming his career, 'Kindling' was undaunted.

“You'll never stop me!” he shrieked through wire grating as he was driven through a mob of angry ice-cream sellers. “There will always be trouble when there is arson around.”

Repeat offender blames his model parents

Tony "the Spanner" Billingsworth, a homeless, unemployed man who has a history of alcohol related problems was last week convicted of mugging a pensioner and remanded in custody. It will be his sixth stay at her majesty’s pleasure totalling some twenty-six years, a pattern of offending that Mr Billingsworth blamed on his childhood and the actions of his parents.

"My parents were loving, caring people, who worked hard to give their son the best possible start in life." Tony said through his solicitor. "At no time did they ever mistreat me or abuse me in any manner. They made me understand the value of hard work, money, right from wrong and the importance of education. They made many sacrifices to ensure that I had a good start in life. The bastards!

"I have no excuses. I haven’t been beaten, sexually abused or grown up with alcoholic parents who were always on the take," his statement continued. "I have no excuses and thus no way of turning a jury in my favour. I have no emotional leverage to exert on the court or prosecution services. The probation services see me for what I am: a work-shy, lazy, drunk who is not only a persistent re-offender but a crap burglar who is always getting caught."

Tony lamented the start he had been given and said that it was this upbringing that had led to him spending most of his adult life behind bars.

"If my parents had cared more they would have provided me with emotional baggage and excuses for the terrible qualities of my character and given me many justifications I could use to pull the wool over people’s eyes," Mr Billingsworth shouted as he was being led away. "Just to have been forced to sleep in my own filth in the dog kennel once would have been something! I may have got off without the ten year stretch for defiling those puppies."

In a shock turnaround following a judicial review ‘The Spanner’ was released from prison and ordered to serve 3 hours community service, despite his repeat convictions for violent crime.

Speaking after the review Justice Willingborth said, "Today’s emotional legal culture fails people like Tony. What with him being a useless and aggressive twat."