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Leaked Transcript of President Obama Spy Conversations

The Russian state news outlet, FoskiNews has obtained a transcript of conversations they claim reveal evidence of the spying conducted by former President Barack Obama.  The transcript is from the phone records within the White House:-

Transcript dated 4^th July 2016

President Obama : Mary [White House switchboard assistant] can you please get me Quentin Billingsworth-Smythe at Government Communications Headquarters in the United Kingdom

Mary : Yes Mr President connecting you now - they are on line zero-zero-seven

GCHQ: Ahoy, this is Quentin Billingsworth-Smythe, certainly listening to this phone call, but not any others of course.

Obama : Hey Q, I believe there is a brown girl in the ring?

GCHQ : Indeed, and a brown boy in the oval?

Obama : Trying to shoot some hoops.

GCHQ : Ah, it is you Agent double-O-bama, how are you, how is it going in the rebel colony?

Obama : All good old chap, I could do with a favour though.

GCHQ : Of course, we have been very pleased with your efforts.

Obama : Well my deep cover is coming to an end, I only have 6 months left in this President role, I need to keep tabs on who takes over after me.

GCHQ : We are pretty comfortable here, we have good relations with the Clinton campaign going back to the, hopefully first, President Clinton.

Obama : I’m thinking about Trump.

GCHQ : Really?  He’s the comedy candidate isn’t he, a bit like our Screaming Lord Such?  He’s not got a chance, you’ve heard what he has been saying about all the taboo subjects, immigrants, women, disabled people, no fool would vote for him.

Obama : Since I’ve been in America I have learned there are many fools.

GCHQ : Really?  What help do you need from the mother country?

Obama : Well I was thinking of a bit of “wire tapping”.  Obviously not just listening to phones but a bit of general surveillance.

GCHQ : OK, well we can get you the listening devices dropped by drone to the usual place, you’ve still got your underwater car haven’t you?

Obama : Best way to beat the traffic on the I95

GCHQ : Yes, whatever that is.  Anything else?

Obama : I plan to abseil down the west face of Trump tower, can you supply a silent black helicopter.

GCHQ : As always.

Obama : And can I keep it for the weekend?  I plan to take Michelle to the Bulls' game afterwards.

GCHQ : Of course, we’ll take care of his CCTV for you, he’s running Windows 95.  We may as well hack his AOL account while we are at it. Anything else?

Obama : Well, next year after I leave office, I was thinking about where I am going to live.

GCHQ : You need some help finding a place back in Kenya?

Obama : Not yet, I need to let the dust settle before I go back.  No, I was wondering if you could help me renovate my old lair in Hawaii, I think some of the walkways around the volcano will need replacing, and the helipad needs to be resurfaced.  Also, the roof of the mosque needs work.  

GCHQ : Can’t you just move into our base in George Washington’s head in Mount Rushmore?

Obama : Rushmore? Oh Allah no.  I couldn’t move in there, the neighbours are awful.  Jimmy Carter is always firing off his death rays from Lincoln’s eyes.

Transcript ends.

50 years on new evidence at Dealey Plaza

It may be 50 years since those events that changed the world, but today new evidence is revealed as to what really happened in Dealey Plaza.

CNN Desperately Searches For The Receipt For Piers Morgan

As Christmas Day unfolds across the USA, loved ones express their special relationships and gifts are exchanged, CNN has asked if Britain kept the receipt for Piers Morgan.

“It was a nice offer, a nice thought, no very nice of you, very nice of you,,” said Ted Billingsworth, CEO of CNN. “But the Morgan is a fantasy figure and I am not sure it fits in with our collection – so, well we hope you kept the receipt and I could always exchange it for something else.”

When CNN first received their Piers they initially overlooked the tacky packaging and dubious reputation as they were excited that the British veneer might add a level of class. However they quickly discovered that their new Piers did not integrate well, neither with gun nuts, nor sane people who like facts.

“To be honest, when we first read the packaging we thought we were getting Piers Brosnan and well James Bond, you know, sheer class. Even Remington Steele, class. Morgan, not so,” explained Billingsworth. “And the Morgan doesn't play well with others, does it? Very disruptive.”

After some embarrassment the disagreement was eventually resolved when Britain agreed to see about exchanging the Morgan for a Philip Schofield, the deal fell through when, despite searching, it transpired that no one had seen Piers Morgan at CNN for some time.

NRA Admits “Guns Are For Professionals, Not Our Enthusiastic Amateur Members”

The NRA today confessed that its members were not very good at using guns and advised US authorities to get some professionals in to assist with school security.

"The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun and we have always asserted that Bubba and his AR15 can lend his amateurish enthusiasm to the problem,” said the NRA's French sounding Wayland LaBillingsworth. "These school shootings are never stopped by a gun carrying citizen. It’s now time for only professional Americans use weapons of death. "

Mister, or perhaps Monsieur, LaBillingsworth's comments came during a press conference when he was forced to admit that the National Rifle Association's age old policy of equipping every US citizen with an assault weapon and armour piercing grenades didn't seem to stop mass shootings across the country.

“One of our members was at a library protesting about books on Dinosaurs. He said that he saw a book on the British Armed forces. It was quite a shock. They don’t appear to have stood still in the last 250 years,” explained LaBillingsworth. “Our member said that the British have tanks, and planes and nuclear weapons. He said he wasn’t sure his rumpus room cum shelter and AR-15 could take a full assault by the Royal Marines. They’ve got helicopters and submarines. The King of England is armed to the teeth!”

LaBillingsworth said that the revelation of the strength of the former colonial master of the USA had made him re-evaluate the whole concept of personal protection.

“I think we really need to think of the role the US Army should play when the British attack our elementary schools,” he added. “I don’t think the US Army should stand idly by - in fact the only sensible deterrent is to deploy some of our own nukes into each school in the country.”

Iconic Palin 1.0 discontinued - US downgraded in world lunacy rankings

Political and economic analysts have indicated a further decline in American power and influence with the discontinuation of the original, iconic, right-wing nut-job, the Palin 1.0

“I think that many people around the world that might take their lead from American lunacy will see the future as one of continued decline,” said Armin Billingsworth. “The ending of the Palin 1.0’s Presidential ambitions means that America is losing key skills in irrational swivel-eyed madness.”

It would now appear that hopes of an increase in US nut-job production with the much anticipated release of the Palin 2.0 have been dashed as the model finally shipped to users turned out to mostly repackaging of the older model. The heralded feature of greater voice control turned out to actually be more gaffe-prone than ever and early adopters have reported flaws in its memory and handling of history. The prototype Palin 2.5 – codenamed the Wanking Witch - is still considered too unstable for mass consumption.

“Well we had hoped the Palin 2.0 would enable America to regain its world lead in madness, but now that the Palin has reached the end of its useful life these skills may be lost forever,” said Billingsworth. “We have had a look at the Romney, but really it can keep a lid on true lunacy – it rarely mentions its belief in golden tablets from angels and how Native Americans are the true sons of Israel.”

However even though America may now be heading for an age of reason and rationalism the like of which has not been experience since Franklin D. Roosevelt, the Palin series showed what might have been as it signed off for the last time.

“There was that one sweet moment that showed what could have been. When the Palin 1.0 summed up the office of President - of the Commander In Chief of the armed forces, of the invested power of the executive branch of the Federal government, of the defender of the constitution - as being a mere title,” said Billingsworth wiping away a tear. “I thought for one magical moment that her head might revolve to reveal the face of a trapped evil spirit on the back of her skull and that it would start talking directly to God.”

US Financial Crisis Averted As Religious Political Nut-Job Production Increases

Analysts in the US said that the country was clearly heading on the road to recovering from its $14 trillion deficit with the release of the Palin 2.0 – code-named Michele Bachmann – to the delight of right-wing Tea-Bag party supporters.

“The US leads the world in the development of delusional female politicians,” commented Kurt Billingsworthski a notable Tea-bagger. “Oh yes, and U. S. A - U. S. A. - U. S. A”

The upgrades to the Palin range that have been incorporated into the Michele Bachmann are aimed at addressing the obvious security flaws with the original Palin 1.0. For example the Palin 2.0 default location has been moved several thousand miles away from being able to see Russia to avoid confusion with foreign policy expertise. Most importantly version 2.0 extends the core Palin 1.0 functionality of being in regular communication with a Sky Wizard.

“With the Palin 1.0 there was the regular friend requests from God,” said Billingsworthski. “The new model has taken that into the cloud era as He now follows Michele on Twitter.”

The Tea-bag party will face a tough decision in the upcoming primaries as the Palin 1.0 model has yet to be discontinued, with many users unwilling to face the possible costs of the upgrade.

“Most on the extreme right-wing of American politics are comfortable with the current operation of the Palin 1.0. We know how to “y’all”, and “hockey mom” we even got to grips with the additional “mama grizzly” functionality released last year,” said a member fresh from Tea-bagging at a ‘U.S.A. - U.S.A.’ rally yesterday. “However it will take people a while to be able to understand the new Degree in Federal Tax Law enhancement.”

The initial release of the Palin 2.0 has not gone completely smoothly, with early adopters complaining of compatibility problems with history and science that can lead to corruption of important data.

“If you try to access information on America’s Founding Fathers using the Michele Bachmann you’ll find odd bits about fighting slavery when we all know that Thomas Jefferson loved slaves, loved them in all the ways. Repeatedly,” said one historian. “Oh and of course the Palin 2.0 is absolutely convinced the Sky Wizard knocked up the universe in six days. He probably filled in His tax form on the seventh.”

Right Wing Nut Job Too Nutty For Right Wing Nut Job Party Says Wing Nut

Many members of the conservative US Republican “Grand Old Party” had been looking to the anti-establishment Tea Party for a revival in fortunes. However there are concerns that masturbation expert Christine O’Donnell may just be too much of a political maverick following revelations that she has a history of dabbling with the occult and other anti-Christian activities.

“Christine’s great. Like Sarah Palin but without the entrenched policies,” said Tea Party activist Clint Billingsworth IV, from Charlottesville. “But you know, messing with the occult, well that wasn’t something that Jesus did when he was at High School.”

Ms O’Donnell has responded to the criticism explaining that many people probably had friends and interests in their youth that do not necessarily represent their views as they have got older.

“Didn’t everyone spend time with questionable folks at high school?”, said cock enthusiast Ms O’Donnell. “I know that one of my first dates was on a satanic altar, then we had a midnight picnic. Then I went home and formed my hard-line views on masturbation. And God how hard they were.”

The Tea Party was founded to break down traditional politics. Its members have publicly condemned as a Nazi plan the attempts of President Obama to try and prevent millions of poor Americans from dying. However the latest revelations about the occult have, in the eyes of many in US politics, aligned her too much with mainstream thinking.

“Obama, even if he were even born in the US, which he wasn’t, is trying to put in place a National Socialist healthcare plan,” said Billingsworth reclining on the sofa in his front garden. “But them Nazis, they dabbled in that O’ccult too, so I don’t know about Christine. She sounds like a Nazi demon like that Kenyan in Washington.”

Ms O’Donnell shot to US public attention with a surprise win of the Delaware Senate nomination and then gained notoriety following the publishing of her views on masturbation.

“People should abstain from masturbation, as it is a sin,” explained Ms O’Donnell in a nation-wide TV campaign against masturbation. “It’s just not the same as a good seeing to from a big cock.”

Cluster-bomb loving “Axis of Apathy” forms between Iran, North Korea and USA

The 1st August 2010 marked a landmark moment in the progression towards a civilised world as the USA formed a bond with Iran and North Korea in their disinterest in banning cluster bombs.

“The USA of A, I say America, has always been the shining city on the hill for the world to look up to,” said Senator Harry “Tex” Billingsworthski. “And today, by aligning ourselves with North Korea and Iran, we send a clear message to the world as to how we view our responsibilities to civilians at time of war. Well non-American ones anyway. I say kill them all, let God sort it out.”

Today 30 countries other than the Axis of Apathy, including those with a proud history of tolerance and stability, such as Angola, Bosnia, South Africa and Germany all signed up to the Wellington declaration agreeing to ban cluster bombs.

“It is a proud, I say proud, moment for all, I say all, Americans, to be aligned with nations who have done so much in the cause of peace, freedom and tolerance. I say tolerance, such as Saudi Arabia or Iran,” said Tex. “Or Zimbabwe, I say murderous regimes.”

The USA, Iran and North Korea have increasingly shared common political viewpoints on matters such as a refusal to ratify treaties on Cluster Bombs and the International Criminal Court. Despite this, the USA is keen to insist that it is not to be considered a poodle of the other Axis of Apathy members and its support could not be taken for granted.

“Clearly we have a special relationship with Iran, for example, but they have gone their own way and signed up to the Kyoto Protocol, I say planet loving bastards,” said Tex. “It’s that kind of radicalism that means we might align with Somalia and Afghanistan in future. I say right-thinking nations.”

Critics of the USA’s approach to international agreements argue it is unfathomable that a nation founded on principles documented in the US Bill of Rights should arrive at the same conclusion as a nation founded on the cult of personality of a bouffant loving midget with an Elvis Presley fixation.

“There are great parallels between the USA and North Korea. We both force our schoolchildren to pledge allegiance to the state and we have both butchered mountains as permanent reminders of political ideologues, “ explained Tex. “The USA and North Korea have so much in common, I say war-mongering nuclear nutters.”

Senator Menendez discovers “not everywhere is in these here United States?”

Friends and relatives of Senator Robert “Tex” Menendez were said to be by his bedside as he recovered from the news that not everywhere in the world was in the United States.

“I say I was powerful taken aback to discover that there are countries outside of the US, I say outside of the US,” said Tex Menendez, yesterday. “Our founding fathers must have invented other countries in 1776. May God bless them.”

Senator Menendez was said to have spent the day studying his Globe of the USA after it was broken to him that not only was Scotland part of the United Kingdom it was not part of the United States.

“I rode down the corridors of the capitol trying to find the Senator for Scotland. I was figured on a meeting with him and sort this out over some fine sipping whisky,” said Tex Menendez. “But there was just no fixing post to tie my horse for Scotland, I say no post to tie my horse to. Do you hear me boy?”

The news that Scottish and UK officials were not elected by US citizens was broken to the Senator during the after dinner banquet of Beans ‘n Grit following the state opening of the national rodeo on the White House lawn.

“It seems that when the founding fathers of these here United States invented democracy in 1776 they gave it to the people of Scotland, which isn’t in Canada. I say it’s not in Canada,” said Tex during a break in the square dancing. “Although it turns out Nova Scotia is. Hot diggity.”

The Senator has offered to send other people outside of the US “to Great Britain and Scotland”, which is in Great Britain,, apparently, in a desperate bid to encourage ministers and MPs of another sovereign nation to testify before the US’s “World Series Senate Inquiry” into the Lockerbie bombing. However he was shocked when all invitations where turned down.

“I say it is powerful frustrating to be ignored like this, but it has given me an insight into why the US doesn’t sign up to the International Criminal Court, I say Criminal. Or indeed why we here in God’s country won’t give evidence in friendly-fire enquiries,” said Tex. “It would mean leaving the US. Gosh-darn-it! Yee Haw!”

Asked if he now felt his Senate Inquiry into the release of Abdelbaset Ali al-Megrahi was now dead, the Senator insisted there was still vital work to be done.

“No, the inquiry is not dead at all, it is just sleeping, I say sleeping. You just leave its room exactly as it is. Don’t change anything. It will be back soon, I say soon,” said Tex shooting his revolvers into the air. “It is very much alive, just like Ali al-Megrahi.”

Analysts Believe GOP Has Changed Electoral Strategy From “Given Up” To “Slapstick Comedy” With Introduction Of The “Palin Palm-Prompter”

The Republican Party of the United States today moved closer to putting its large ‘southern hospitality’ weight behind Sarah Palin in its search for a politician who won’t put off voters with complicated policies or intelligent concepts.

“Many ordinary extremists want to turn to Sarah Palin since they’re turned off by Obama speeches that you just can’t write into a single twitter tweet,” said Kurt Billingsworthski, one of the founders of the Tea Party Movement. “One of Mrs Palin’s key strengths is that you can’t fit more than one hundred forty letters into her Jesus loving hand.”

Mr Billingsworthski was responding to criticism of the former Alaskan Russian Affairs Spokeswoman’s strategy of making a joke about President Obama’s reliance on teleprompters whilst reading notes written on the palm of her hand.

“Mrs Palin knows about us, she is one of us, you know, ordinary working stiffs, you know writing the answers on the palm of her hand,” said Billingsworthski. “What conservative voter in America hasn’t done that when taking their GED?”

The Tea Party movement is a “grass-roots organisation” that aims to bring together ordinary Americans who are angry and disaffected with what they see as their country’s move away from their own fantasies about its constitution and the current President’s desperate lurches towards civilisation. The underlying fear of many is that the problems facing the United States cannot be solved by large-scale government intervention, and instead believe the solution lies in buying more books and DVDs by Fox News anal-disorder enthusiast Glenn Beck.

The Tea Party is a euphemistic homage to the revolutionary zeal with which disaffected colonists illegally boarded and terrorised merchant ships, with no respect for private property, during the so-called “Boston Tea Party” that helped lead to the American War of Independence which set the country back over 200 years.

“We was angry back then and gosh-darn-it we is angry now. All these liberal, commie A-rabs! We need to reclaim our country from this ‘health is a fundamental principle’ nonsense” said Billingsworthski. “That’s why I am here and founded my group – Conservative Homeland Is My Principle.”

The C.H.I.M.P Tea Party was the show-piece event at the end of the convention and many of the ordinary, grass-roots, right-wing American extremists attending the event welcomed Mrs Palin by screeching, beating their chests and doing back-flips.

“They certainly do look like regular people, in their suits, with their huge toothy grins,” said one analyst. “But then they just started screaming incoherently and flinging their shit around. It’s clear that evolution really has passed the Republicans by.”

Jesus Loves You - To Kill People With His Sniper Sights

American snipers today expressed gratitude that their endeavours to supply death at a great distance had been formerly sanctioned by Jesus Christ following news that their sniper scopes contained inscriptions of teachings from the Bible.

“It's one thing having all the training and experience to be able to kill someone from over a mile away,” said a US army sniper. “But it makes me feel proud to know that when I drop a rag-head or a hippy, Jesus is sitting on my shoulder and approving my target selection.”

The company, Jesus Loves War Machines, based in Scranton, Ohio in the USA, has been supplying the so-called “Jesus sights” and other equipment to the US military for decades and is proud to run its business upon Biblical principles.

“Jesus loves everybody, apart from the people that aren't Americans obviously, at which point they will inevitably need to be killed,” said company spokesman Kirk Billingsworthski the Third. “When that happens we want them killed according to His teaching, not in some heathen or godless manner.”

The company's product range includes the Christ Almighty Assault Scopes which boast “a compact low recoil optic ideally suited to delivering God's love in close combat situations” and the long range sniper scope Divine Retribution 300XL that “combines high specification zoom optics with a high intensity edge detection overlay to give you a range of over two kilometres to send the word of God from your trigger finger”.

The company said that it saw no reason why any of its products should not carry the word of God into battle, and denied that it was using the US government's military agencies to conduct its own Christian jihad.

“Messages such as 'Take Jesus into your heart' that is inscribed on the blade of our Calvary Cutter bayonet, or 'Burn in hell sinner' on the God is Love range of flame-throwers are important life affirming messages. For a few painful moments,” said Billingsworthski the Third. “As Jesus said – 'a man must look to everything in the land, and everything in the sky, and everything in the sea, and use it to construct the most efficient mechanism to deliver mechanisedl death for political ends'.”

FBI – more “aged” images of Osama Bin Laden released

The United States Federal Bureau of Investigations was forced into an embarrassing admission regarding recently released images of Osama Bin Laden aged by a decade. Supposedly processed using sophisticated analytical techniques they had in fact been cut and pasted together from images found on the Internet, including one of a serving Spanish politician.

Today the FBI has released further images in the same series in the hope that one of them will assist in the identification of the leader of Al Qaeda, who may be walking among us.

Right wing Africans suggest letting California burn

Conservative leaders across Africa have called for the wildfires in the US state of California to be left to burn uncontrollably as a means of solving the persistent problems affecting the region.

“Every year we see the same pictures on television, of homes being destroyed and peoples’ lives ruined by fire,” said Joseph Mebillingsworth a leading political commentator in Ethiopia. “No matter how much money is spent the same thing happens every year.”

Many political commentators point to California, and Los Angeles in particular, as having a history of chronic water shortages and wildfires as evidence that the land is unable to sustain the current demands placed on it by ten of millions of immigrants over the last 200 years.

“It is clear that the population explosion in California is now unsustainable, forcing people to live close to deadly, dry woodland that can only burst into flames,” said MeBillingsworth. “There are just too many people for the Fire Department of Los Angeles to support. Every year millions of dollars is pumped into LA fire prevention, and yet every year we see the same images – people returning to the wreckage of homes only recently rebuilt from the ashes of previous houses. Clearly giving the area money is not the answer.”

Those that wish to leave California to the flames as the only long-term solution insist that California is rich enough to sustain itself and provide for future generations of Fire-fighters to work the land, but that the state is constantly dragged down by unbearable waste, greed and corruption.

“It is the people at the bottom that suffer, not the ruling elite,” said MeBillingsworth. “Even while the people struggle and the State is apparently bankrupted into selling off anything it can on EBay, the ruling elite have enough to buy the finest clothes from their exclusive shops in Beverly Hills and drive around in limousines.”

Others though believe that leaving the people of California to die in the thousands is morally repugnant in the 21st century.

“California is a fabulous land, it is endowed with enormous natural resources and its people are hard-working and skilled enough to be able to come home to a house that is not on fire,” said one aid worker. “They just need some training in the basics. Such as how to draw maps of those areas that have persistent wildfires. And then learning not to build houses in them.”

As the old investment aid saying goes – “Give a man a fire-truck and his house won’t burn down today. Teach him about sensible urban planning and his town will be out of reach of fires for a lifetime.”

Both left and right of the political spectrum in Africa are in agreement about the plight facing the residents of Los Angeles as they try to once again recover from a vicious circle that many believe is of their own making.

“It is difficult for us, sitting in Africa watching the news, to understand the difficulties of the people of California should they be injured or become ill from the effects of the fires, " said MeBillingsworth. “Their health system really is appalling.”

US Healthcare – “Best in the country” claims Glenn Beck

Fox News shouter, and part time anal surgery enthusiast, Glenn Beck shattered traditional right-wing stereotypes of insularism after announcing that the United States had the finest healthcare in the United States.

“Only last year I was complaining about the terrible treatment I received from the shocking healthcare system in this country. When I was paid by CNN,” foamed Mr Beck. “However now that I am paid by Fox I am pleased to say what a turnaround US healthcare has had in just over a year!. Now it is star-spangled banneringly brilliant. The US has the best healthcare system in the country.”

Mr Beck, famous for responding to his own contradictions was responding to comments he made in 2008 after undergoing life threatening bum-hole surgery that sadly went wrong. He survived.

Controversy has raged across America after a few people suggested that it might be quite a good idea for the richest country in the world to let a few less of its own citizens die by providing a greater access to healthcare. This has provoked a back-lash from the conservative right who feel that President Obama has taken a step too far along Comrade Bush’s nationalisation programme for the United Socialist States of America.

“I don’t think it is hyperbole to talk of ‘death panels’, we aren’t putting words into the President’s mouth,” said fellow high-octave trainee journalist Sean Hannity. “Death panels are no more a lie than the right’s plan to tow icebergs to the US coast for our ill senior citizens to be cast adrift on. They would be moored, not drifting.”

The mainstream conservative media has fomented screaming mobs in the USSA with horror stories of other countries’ healthcare systems that actually attempt to provide medical care as a basic human right. In particular it has heaped vitriol on the National Health Service of the UK aided by major political figures. And MEPs.

“Over two million people watched the first twenty seconds of my YouTube attack on Gordon Brown,” said Daniel Hannan MEP from his constituency in Victorian England. “They probably got up to the bit where I waved my hands around. Two million views makes me an expert on the NHS which I believe my porter used once when I was at Marlborough College.”

Hannan, whose ego has been a regular on US political shows since President Obama revealed his evil plan to help sick people, recently described healing millions of poor people since World War II as a “60 year old mistake”.

“As I said to the booker from Fox News, I am more than pleased to say how bad everything is on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I can do the radio show too,” said Mr Hannan. “Now, please let me past, I have just been to Walgreens for Mr Beck’s Anusol.”

It has been revealed that the surgery on the arse-hole Mr Beck had was to remove his head from his own ass.

United States begins its 25th “new era of change” since the early 20th Century

Following the inauguration of the USSA's new King, millions of ordinary Americans wait expectantly to embark upon the latest, and greatest, era of change since the last one eight years ago.

"I have been to so many inaugurations, so many eras that have changed America," said Harvus Billingsworthski III, a resident of Washington D.C and a keen supporter of President Barack Obama. "'Change we can believe in', to me is the most believable of the eras of change. Although 'Reformer with results' was a powerful message from 2001, but that was a different time, after the sour end of the previous presidency."

Harvus, a retired steelworker and local political campaigner said that it is openness to change that makes America so great.

"I was here to hear Clinton talk about 'People for a change' and that really got to me," said Mr Billingsworthski. "Of course the country was struggling with a wrecked economy, so many people lining the parade who had lost their jobs, looking for hope. You know millions of Americans didn’t have any form of healthcare back then. But that was seventeen years ago."

Indeed the America of 2009 is also a very different country from that of 1976 when Jimmy Carter, the ‘Leader for a Change’ embarked on a programme of reforms. In the seventies the US was racked with energy problems, spiralling fuel costs, rising unemployment, suffering from a crippled overseas image and being on the brink of war with Iran.

"Of all of the important messages the President has to give, he has to tell us how things are going to be different, and how we are never going to return to the old ways. I was only a child when I stood here, watching FDR be sworn in. March 1933 it was. A glorious sight, him in this wonderful top hat in the open top limousine, his wife by his side," said Billingsworthski. "We have come so far since those dark days. Back in the thirties we had a totally collapsed financial system, huge unemployment and millions without any form of healthcare."

Today the spirit of the people lining the streets of Washington and watching the televisions of America has been lifted to an enthusiastic, almost ecstatic level as a great man leads a once great country through a new era of change for millions to believe in. For many it will be their first era of change.

"Mind you inauguration days are one thing, but he has to start work tomorrow," said George from Texas, who was recently let go from his job in Washington. "In 18 months my fellow Americans will probably just think of him as a deceitful-do-nothing-political-establishment-big-business-serving twat like me and turn to the next one of my family who has good hair."

Bush visit to Baghdad Woolworths sparks shoe frenzy

The President of the USSA was recovering from a recent trip to the Baghdad branch of the struggling high-street retailer Woolworths when the turmoil of the closing down sale almost resulted in injury.

“I was looking to see if there were any other bargains in Iraqistan that I could grab,” said Bush as he lunged for a Sindy doll in damaged packaging. “Over the past 4 years we have grabbed all the oil and searched high and low for anything nuclearificated, but right now with my own country's screwed economy I would be happy with a slightly dented toaster.”

Mr Bush was on a relief mission for the long suffering workers in his own country who have recently discovered that their entire economy was being run by an elite party of thieves.

“The other shoppers in Baghdad, who understand exactly what America is suffering having spent so many years under their own tyrant, Saddam Bin Laden, were touched by the plight of the millions of members of the New American peasant class that I helped to creationify,” said Comrade Bush trying to find a matching set of car seat covers from the damaged goods bin.

“They therefore started throwing me their shoes to take home to those barefoot workers waiting in the soup lines in New York.”

Many social commentators have explained that the receipt of a shoe on the nose is one of the greatest insults that can be delivered by a Muslim but Mr Bush was quick to play down the political aspect of the incident.

“I disagree that it was some sort of high Islamic insult,” he said trying to find a matching set of luggage with all of its wheels intact. “After all those shoes contained no explosives.”

The Whitehouse today said that Mr Bush was very happy with the outcome of his trip to Baghdad and that there was no misunderstanding between the USSA and Iraqi governments over exactly what he was to find in Iraq.

“Comrade Bush searched for all of the WMDs (Woolies Mega Deals) in the country, and whilst he was unable to find what he first claimed he was looking for, he did come home with a brand new gas pipeline.”

US welcomes Barack Obama’s Britishness

The citizens of the once proud nation of the United States of America today welcomed news that president-elect Barack Obama may be of British descent extending the hope ignited in November that their country could be on the road to recovery.

"I cried when I heard the news, " said Joe Billingsworthski, a plumber from Ohio. "The idea that we could have a British president fills me with hope, after all the last American one really screwed up the country."

Many political observers are hopeful that the USA could gain some of the ideals of British fairplay and freedom that they have lost under the current American president, regain some of the prosperity of earlier generations and finally get an understanding of cricket, decent beer and democracy.

"We need to bring in international talent to turn this place around," said Joe. "Americans have screwed up the world’s economy and given the financial system a seeing-to that it might never recover from. From January, with a Brit at the helm, there is a chance we can put the Bush oppression behind us and become a free country."

Leo Donofrio, who brought the case celebrating Obama’s Britishness said that he would continue to get even greater recognition for Mr Obama’s ancestry and any other President of the United States formerly thought of as being American.

"It is amazing, all of the early founders of this great nation, they had parents who were British citizens, regardless of birth. Just like Barack Obama. We can’t risk the US returning to a time when it was the championing force of human freedoms!" said Mr Donofrio as men in white coats led him to a waiting van. "I may have started with Obama, but I have raked through Chester A. Arthur’s past, and I won’t stop until I investigate everyone who claims to be American. I may even be the only genuine American, do you hear! The country will be mine, all mine!"

Barack Obama who has previously tried to stay away from discussions of his ancestry today made a brief statement during tea at a cricket match in Philadelphia.

"I say, if we keep a stiff upper lip, and pump huge amount of taxpayers money into General Motors we can make it into the success that British Leyland was, what?" he said before going out to bat for the Queen’s Eleven.

Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair is said to be overjoyed at the announcement that British citizenship is no bar to becoming President of the USA and has booked a plane ticket for 2012.

Russia declares cold war with USSA over

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin today declared victory in the Cold War following the news that the US government was to nationalise large swathes of the American financial system.

"It is clear, as the sub-prime mortgage debts begin to default and the US government starts to take possession of homes, that the ideals of Marxist-Leninism are the only solution for the working people of Cleveland," said Mr Putin. "I welcome President Bush’s plan to create the largest state-run social housing project in the world."

President Bush, speaking from the lawn of the newly named ‘White Kremlin’ in Washington D.C. said that the new $700bn nationalisation was a ‘bold approach’ to the current financial crisis caused by flaws in the economic system.

"This, comrades, marks a glorious revolution and a new birth for the United Socialist States of America," he said. "No longer will multi-millionaire capitalists be kept awake at night by the threat of having to cancel their caviar orders. I am commanding each and every hard working American to rise up and underwrite every single dubious and morally hazardous decision that they have made," said the President sporting a new red-star lapel pin-badge.

The President announced further plans to aid struggling companies in other industries such as motor manufacturing.

"Today, I asked Congress to approve, on pain of death, a glorious five-year plan to bail out the executives of General Motors and Ford," he said. "Congress will ensure that at the plan’s completion every home will be the proud owner of a marvellous red tractor."

Reporters asked if the US consumer really wanted a tractor and whether or not this was an environmentally sound solution to the collapse of the US economy.

"Every citizen of the USSA will want to do their bit, or do they want to go to the Guantanamo gulag?" said Mr Bush. "Without a tractor how else will all comrades across the USSA plough their new collective farms?"

When asked what this might mean for other expensive projects, such as Space Exploration, President Bush ended his address from the ‘Washingtongrad Inner City Farm' – formerly the ‘White House Lawn’ – on an upbeat note.

"One way or another, I intend to ensure that man dominates a new Red Planet."

George Bush to miss Republican Convention in attempt to hold back Hurricane Gustav

Part time US President George W. Bush has announced that he will not attend his Republican Party’s National Convention in Minnesota due to the evacuation and impending crisis in New Orleans.

"My soothsayers told me that the wrath of God Almighty would be descending on New Orleans at about the same time that I was scheduled to make a speech in support of that nice old Mr McCain," explained President Bush. "At times of crisis I am bound by duty to help the people of Louisiana just as I have helped tens of thousands in Afghanistan and Iraq."

White House aides say that President Bush was to take time out from his busy schedule of dancing with international dignitaries to be on the beach as Hurricane Gustav arrives so that he can hold it back to prevent more flooding of God’s Country.

"I am the Commander-in-Chief and therefore I will be right there, in the surf, commanding this Gustav fellow to go back to Godless Cuba where it can only kill communists and not God fearing Christians," said the President as he was shown a map of the USA. "Hey we’re going near Georgia, we should say ‘Hey’ to that nice Mr Putin who has just put his army there."

When asked if he felt there was any reason why the people of New Orleans should suffer losing their homes and livelihoods twice in three years, President Bush said that the solution lay at the State and not Federal level.

"The place is full of French Catholics and Voodoo," he said. "Even the ones I save are probably going to hell."

Mrs Bush said that it wasn’t just her husband’s duty as President to save American citizens but it was a historical role she felt he had to fulfil.

She said: "I now understand why all those people lining the streets in London where chanting ‘For King Cnut! For King Cnut!’ as we passed."