Louis Walsh Angered Over Claims He Spotted Talent In Dublin Night-Club

End-of-the-pier summer show regular, Louis Walsh, was said to be angered today at allegations that he may have reached out and grabbed some 24 year old talent in a Dublin night-club.

“Louis is devastated at the idea that he is being accused of being a talent spotter,” said pal Padraig O’Billingsworth. “He is vigorously denying the allegations and has plenty of evidence to support him.”

Eyewitnesses say that Walsh first came to public notice as the handler of a troupe of performing freaks with learning difficulties that he had created in the secret laboratory on his island hideaway, known only as Ireland.

“The first batch Louis made had very poor co-ordination and were basically mute, having not learned how to sing, ” said O’Billingsworth. “Or how to wear a shirt.”



After more refinements in his Ireland lair, the proudly heterosexual band found fame under the macho-sounding name of “Boyzone”. The fact that all five members came from Dublin is a key piece of evidence against Walsh ever making a play for any talent in the city.

“Louis never stopped experimenting though, he was keen that he could come out with something even more fabulous than Boyzone,” said O’Billingsworth. “And so the next batch from the vat in his lab became known as Westlife. This time they could talk, dress and walk normally, but they weren’t bright, Louis did have to explain to them that ‘Boyz II Men’ was not a day care centre.”

Mr Walsh has said that once he has cleared his name of the allegations in Dublin he wants his fans to know that he will return to work as a judge on the popular karaoke stall at the summer fair and that there will be new surprises in store.

“Oh it will be fabulous darling,” said O’Billingsworth. “Louis will be fired up to completely fail to spot talent again and what’s more after the show he will be running the bingo where he will be master of the balls.”

Gaddafi Considers Future On The X-Factor Tour

Aspiring Tom Jones impersonator, Muammar 'Colonel' Gaddafi, has reacted defiantly to the missile bombardment from US and UK naval assets and the as yet completely un-surrendered French airforce.

“History has shown that I will prevail and I am fully on top of all of the events in the Middle East and elsewhere,” Gaddafi said in a radio address. “I have reached out to our brother who has had such success handling rebellion, his Excellency Saddam Hussein.”

Colonel Gaddafi said that not only was he convinced that the people of Libya were prepared to die for him, he said that he would ensure their wishes were fulfilled.

“Clearly Brother Saddam is a very busy despot, but he has experience of killing his own citizens that will be invaluable,” explained the Libyan leader. “I have also extended my hand in solidarity for the advice of the President of Yugoslavia – Slobodan Milosevic, who I am sure will call back soon too.”

Colonel Gaddafi continued his address by insisting that he had no intention of ever leaving Libya and that he wanted to continue as the country's leader as long as he was beloved by his people and they were shooting only his enemies.

“My ministers have been using the last Internet connection in Libya to check Wikipedia for stories of the triumphs of my peers, Saddam’s what?” continued Gaddafi in his radio address. “Oh, and Slobodan too? Really? And Stars in Their Eyes has gone too?”

Mr Gaddafi broke off his speech to ask of the fates of other power mad dictators, such as Pol-Pot and Augusto Pinochet. He was audibly heartened to learn that Simon Cowell was still alive. The Libyan leader then abruptly ended his speech by announcing there would be a medley of inspiring songs to rouse the people in his favour.

“Do you think Davina will do another celebrity special?” he was heard to ask. “Now, who wants to hear Delilah again?”

Prison-rat Gino won't “Do no more porridge for no rat”

Producers of quality challenged broadcaster ITV's-hit programme “Am I a Celebrity? Get out of here!” today defended their animal rights record following accusations of cruelty from the RSPCA of New South Wales regarding the killing of a rat during the making of the last series.

“Animal rights campaigners are not being consistent if they complain about the treatment of a rat that was killed, skinned, cooked and eaten,” said Sir Marmaduke Billingsworth, Head of Programming at ITV1+8 and shop assistant at a central Manchester Blockbuster video store. “If they were serious they would consider the hundreds of thousands of insects that we have killed and maimed over the last 7 years.”

Convicted thief Gino D'Acampo continued to protest his innocence amid mounting concerns that the rat in question was a tame one planted as part of the show with experts insisting that a real-live rat would never have been caught.

“Are the filth saying the rat was a patsy? I ain’t doing no more time for no patsy, not again” said the part-time Italian from North London. “I did a two stretch for nicking Paul Young's guitars, I ain’t going back, Ernie.” The celebrity then made a booking at Heston Blumenthal's restaurant 'The Fat Duck' whilst screaming “You’ll never take me alive you slag!”

The producers say that they take extensive steps to ensure that all the animals mutilated in the programme's 'Bush-Tucker Trials' are treated humanely at all times.

“We play whale music to the live witchetty grubs – as they are sliced in half – to make sure they can't hear Ant McPartlin's voice,” said Billingsworth. “And we taped up the mouths of the baby alligators in case they bit Jordan. We wouldn't want them to catch anything.”

Reality TV runner-up to split from Britain’s Got Talent semi-finalist in April 2014

In an exclusive interview to all newspapers the nation was shocked to learn that Kimbly and Jake Billingsworth are to split following their torrid 18 month marriage in late 2012.
"We expect that we won’t be able to deal with the come down from trying to jump on the Olympic bandwagon," said Kimbly Smith, 17 from Romford and the future fourth place finisher in Big Brother 12.

Ms Smith, who will meet Jake Billingsworth on the set of Celebrity Kidney Swap 2011, is expecting to be horrified when photos of her to be husband and an unknown lap-dancer hired by their agent are printed in the tabloids over the New Year of 2014. This will, say showbiz friends that the couple have yet to make, be the straw that finally puts an end to a marriage that will appear to have been lived out on the cover of OK! magazine.

"I haven’t met them yet," said seditious television twat Piers Morgan. "However I fully expect that Jake will say he hardly knew the dancer in response to Kimbly’s tear-filled story which has yet to be written by Heat magazine."

Kimberley has said that she expects to struggle with the constant media intrusion into her life, something she never asked for after fame was thrust upon the unsuspecting teenager following successfully becoming a Big Brother housemate after only her third attempt. She will nonetheless bravely try to stay out of the spotlight by only appearing on game shows, as a talking head on TV shows about reality TV shows and launching her own range of perfumes and personalised enema kits.

"The thing that I will want to know, tearfully and maybe whilst in rehab if my career has gone well, is how the paparazzi manage to take those photos of me that upset my Jake so much," said the currently single ,unknown, future fifteen minute wonder. "How do they manage, on the only times I wear a short skirt and no knickers to always get a photo of my fanny? Such as when I will step out of a cab into the Met Bar at exactly 11:30pm on September the 14th 2013? And again at China White’s the next night, but around an hour earlier as I expect I will have a shoot for my pop-video the next day."

Jake Billingsworth is said, by pals to be invented by the 3am Girls, to be holding up well under the strain of realising that he will only be famous for having Kimbly on his arm and is already planning to try to win her back.

"We will have to see how it goes," said Kimbly, "I will always love, Jake isn’t it?, but it will be difficult for us to get over the incident on my 22nd birthday. Which will be when Jake learns that I was in gent’s toilet cubicle with a professional footballer holding my hair to keep it dry - whilst he is doing me from behind."

ITV apologises for “I’m a celebrity” mix-up

In another blow to award winning* broadcaster ITV it has emerged that the entire first week’s filming of the new series of "I’m a Celebrity, get me out of here!" has been lost due to an extremely embarrassing error by producers.

"We are so very sorry for the dreadful mix-up, and rest assured that it was a mistake that was easy to make and at no point, this time, were we trying to defraud anyone." explained Chief Executive, Sir Gerald Billingsworth. "The irony is that our efforts to be honest may have caused the problem."

The programme’s producers explained that since it is another vehicle for Ant and Dec they have been forced to devote so much time to ensure that there are no further irregularities with phone vote revenues that they failed to check the results of each day’s filming.

"For the last week we have inadvertently been showing footage of the staff from the five-star hotel next door to the filming location," explained Sir Gerald. "It was a risk we should have identified up-front, given that none of the cameramen knew any of the celebrities involved in the programme."

The problem of identification of the supposed ‘celebrities’ was apparently compounded by the real footage also being composed of hours of people moaning while cooking and doing the laundry.

"I would like to emphasise that our team was focussed on preventing a repeat of previous frauds and was at no time distracted by Ant McPartlin’s hairline," said Sir Gerald Billingsworth.

To remedy the situation the broadcaster announced that it would be adding a new catch-up programme, which viewers can automatically miss via ITV1-1, called "Am I a celebrity? Get out of here!"

* ITV recently picked up the award for "Most piss-poor waste of bandwidth, 2007" for its entire ITV1 output.

Tony Blair is new peace envoy to Big Brother House

In a surprise move, Channel 4 has introduced former Prime Minister Tony Blair and his wife Cherie as the latest occupants of the Big Brother house. Mr Blair’s sponsors have backed the move confirmed a spokesman for the quartet of the UN, EU, USA and Russia.

"The level of conflict within the house has been escalating to a point where only someone who has had the successes of Mr Blair can hope to bring a sense of normality," said Kurt Billingsworthski of the quartet referring to the Northern Ireland peace process.

"Let me be clear, this task will require a huge intensity of focus and work," said Mr Blair as he entered the house on Friday night as a replacement for evictee Billi Bhati.

Mr Blair got straight down to the task, when at 1am he was asked if people with short or long hair should have priority with the limited hair styling resources, he calmed the housemates instantly with a small speech delivered through the toilet door. "Look, we need to bring people together. People who have spent a great deal of time consumed by hatred and fuelled by complete conviction in their right to the use of hair straighteners," was his muffled reply.

Charley Uchea, one of the leading protagonists in the ongoing disputes within the house complained to Big Brother in the diary room. "A married man, Big Brother? I am being honest here and I think he is totally fake and two-faced. Who does he think he is, former Prime Minister and world statesman, so what? I have met Gary Neville, so Blair doesn’t impress me!" she ranted. "I’m not being funny though, whilst he did a good job in the immediate aftermath of 11th September - rallying the international community and preventing the inevitable reactionary response being seen as the US versus the World - he painted himself into a corner with the war in Iraq since his success was dependent on the obvious lack of planning that goes with most US overseas endeavours," she added.

Cherie Blair, who joined the house at the same time as her husband commented that whilst the house was very different to her previous residence at Number 10 Downing Street there were some similarities.

"Over the last 10 years I became used to living at other people’s expense. Before being evicted," said Mrs Blair, "I am now looking forward to 10 weeks living off Channel 4."

Big Bro Posh Spice wannabe wannabe launches career

A devoted fan spoke to the media today about her aspirations to emulate her heroine and Big Brother 8 contestant, Chanelle Hayes.

"Chanelle is my hero," said Chardonnay Bucket, 18, from Formby in Merseyside. "I have followed her entire week-long career and think she is just wonderful. The way she wants to be Victoria Beckham makes me just want to be Chanelle Hayes."

Chardonnay says that she still has a lot to learn from her idol and is avidly following Big Brother’s live broadcasts on E4.

"She is just the best at saying ‘Stupid’ at the end of every sentence and speaking in one long endless sentence that seems to only repeat the stuff that she has already said several times and is delivered as though she is fighting for air after nearly drowning, before saying ‘Stupid‘ and repeating herself again and again," gasped Chardonnay.

Miss Bucket says that it will take her time to fully master the talents of Chanelle, but that she is determined to put the effort in.

"I need to practice more on some of her other talents. I got a bit engrossed in heat magazine yesterday and didn’t use my hair straighteners for 45 minutes, for example."

"I can sit and talk about make-up for hours, just like Chanelle. I look great in my underwear, but I am still studying for my A-Levels at the moment, and still a virgin. Stupid!" she blushed. "Nothing sordid for the papers yet. Stupid!"

As Chanelle wants to use her talents to follow Victoria Beckham to Madrid and Los Angeles, Miss Bucket is hopeful that she can follow Chanelle’s stellar career.

"I plan to go to Madrid this summer, and I hope I can get a video of me being shagged by a Spanish barman wearing a Real Madrid football shirt," revealed Chardonnay. "Then it is practising sitting around and bursting into tears about hair and make-up until Big Brother 9 comes round."

Chardonnay hopes that she can get her pop career over and done with before she returns to school this September. Her first single, a cover of the Victoria Beckham’s ‘Not such an innocent girl’ reached a peak of 26 in the Australian chart on Sunday (ten places higher than the original version achieved) before plummeting out of the top 500 today.

Dutch game show threatens UK lottery

Mandarins at the NHS have received the news that a new Dutch game show gives the winning contestant a life-changing kidney transplant with horror.

“Even if you ignore the obviously tasteless nature of this programme,” commented Sir Marmaduke Billingsworth of the Weatherfield NHS Trust. “The fact is that thousands of patients every year take part in the famous NHS 'postcode lottery' for their treatments.”

There are concerns that should shows such as the kidney transplant based ‘The Big Donor Show’ become as much as part of TV fabric as other Endemol reality productions, such as Big Brother, have become in the UK then the NHS 'postcode lottery' could suffer the same fate as the football pools suffered with the introduction of the National Lottery.

“It is a proud British tradition that the standard of your care can be influenced by where you live and the local policies of a particular Trust.” said Sir Marmaduke. “This is one of the facets that make the NHS unique, and something that continually entertains tabloid reporters.”

Other concerns are around the selection procedure of the Dutch show, with the winning contestant being chosen by the terminally ill donor in a shallow “Blind Date” style character test.

“Patients don’t want tearful video pleadings from family members and messages from members of the public to decide their treatment. They get all that on visiting day,” explained Sir Marmaduke. “They prefer the modern NHS where their care is at the mercy of faceless bureaucrats and accountants applying cost - benefit analysis in a completely unfeeling manner.”

Electrifying changes planned for Celebrity Big Brother

Channel 4 has announced the results of an internal review into the controversy surrounding the last series and the effects it has had on the lives of the celebrities. The series is to be revamped with a provisional title of “Celebrity Suicide Watch”.

“There was a record number of complaints from the viewing public and so we need to reflect their need for action as well as the statements from the luvvies involved.” commented a source within Channel 4 who did not wish to be named.

“Since they came out the housemates have been on numerous TV programmes saying that it has ruined their careers and lives,” he explained. “A couple have even considered suicide, so we thought we really needed to use the power of the Big Brother house to turn around such a terrible situation and get the show back to entertainment.”

The source said that the next series of Celebrity Big Brother will therefore abandon evictions from the house, but will instead revert to communal punishment.

“At the end of each vote all the contestants will be strapped into their own electric chair,” explained the source. “The voltage applied to each contestant will be in proportion to the votes they receive from the public. So, if they are all equally annoying to the viewers they will all get a mild tingle and a new hairstyle. Of course if one is really standing out with the public then it will be roast pork on the menu that night.”

Channel 4 denied that such an electrocution system had been in place for this year’s show.

“Cleo Rocos’s hair has always been like that” he said.

The new format will appeal to the visceral nature of reality TV but will also provide the celebrities involved with a reduction in time spent in therapy.

“They all want to go into rehab. It’s like the ASBO of the celebrity world. If you have been in rehab you have really suffered dahling.” commented research scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “So the producers can sell electro-shock therapy as a benefit of being on the show.”

When asked if the likelihood of death would put off the celebrities wishing to take part the Channel 4 source was unconcerned.

“There will always be another 15 z-listers who want once last chance to heat up their tired careers and this really could be their last! They always say you should go out whilst you are still hot.”

Channel 4 to work with Home Office on prison reform

The Home Secretary, John Reid, today announced that Channel 4 and the Home Office would be forming a new partnership to end the overcrowding and mis-management in the UK’s prisons.

"In a landmark partnership, we will be turning a number of prisons over to be administered by Channel 4 television," announced Dr Reid at a press conference today. "The broadcaster will bring its expertise to the problem of overcrowding in Britain’s prisons."

The Home Secretary explained that the prison numbers would be regulated by a series of phone vote evictions.

"The prisons’ security cameras will be broadcast on a new digital TV channel and we know that the public are very keen to follow the tedium in the daily routines of people kept in close quarters, sharing sleeping and washing facilities," explained the Home Secretary. "So clearly this is a solution that is fit for purpose and the revenue will be useful too," he added.

"We have experience not just of running phone voting," commented Hilary Billingsworth of the Channel 4 board. "We have great experience dealing with incarcerated racists, and further we are used to dealing with con-artists – i.e. those who pretend to be someone they are not," he explained, "Such as the alleged celebrities we have been trotting out for years,"

Dr Reid also paid tribute to other competencies that Channel 4 will be bringing to the joint venture.

"The Big Brother house is already a clear example of ‘what great looks like’ for the rest of the department to focus on. In three weeks, they have had only two men escape. That already puts the Big Brother house as the best performing prison," he said.

Tony "The Spanner", currently midway through his sentence in Wandsworth prison, spoke by video link.

"Normally people in Big Brother moan about each other being fake. In this version viewers will be able to see who is really innocent, rather than just claiming to be," he commented from a prototype prison ‘Diary Room’. "If it goes well for me, I could be in the celebrity version when I re-offend, it would be nice to meet some newspaper editors and pop stars."

Channel 4 denied this was a desperate move to re-invigorate a tired franchise with ever more salacious content and that the replacement of programme sponsors Carphone Warehouse with Imperial Leather soap had been planned for some time.

"We have always maintained that if those involved want to have sexual encounters we are not to intervene. It just might be that with this reality format any such adult entertainment is a touch more, erm, ferocious than they expect."

Controversy over leaked footage of the Iraqi version of “The Apprentice”

There has been continued outrage in the media regarding footage from what is believed to be the Iraqi version of “The Apprentice” that has been posted onto several websites in the middle east.

Internet blogs reveal that the format has changed to make it more relevant to the Iraqi viewer. So now, instead of competing to be a salaried lapdog of a 1980s entrepreneur who now concentrates on media exposure, the Iraqi version has contestants competing in a series of trials to determine their future role in the reconstructed war zone.

The leaked video footage shows the result of one of these trials in which the contestant remonstrates with the series judge in an executive courtroom. Controversy, however, surrounds the manner in which one contestant, known in media circles only as “Saddam” left the series and the unsubtle way that the celebrated catchphrase of “You’re fired!” has been replaced with “You’re dropped!” and is even acted out in the final scene.

“The Iraqis have taken this franchise and distorted it too far from its roots, “ complained Sir Alan Billingsworth, a former governor of the BBC. “What they have in Iraq is nothing like what we have in the west and what we tried to give them. I believe there was talk of sticking with ‘You’re fired!’ but the producers refused to act that one out. Mind you, I hear that a local Baghdad channel has a lower budget version where they have ’You’re axed!’ as the catchphrase. That really is extreme TV.”

Channel 4 said that they always keep a close eye on developments within the reality TV format but denied that recent construction work on the Celebrity Big Brother house is related to the leaked video. In contrast a source close to the production company Endemol said “Well our version has got a bit absurd, and maybe a ‘below stairs revolution’ could be a way to finally kill off Jade Goody”.

Celebrity house open for new season

As the New Year hangovers clear Britain once again braces itself for the events that will transpire in a stylised house in London filled with D-list celebrities.

The nation's newspaper editors are gearing up for their re-hashing of the events we saw the night before on TV. Their journalists are digging into the background of each of those that appear in the house and speculation as to what each phrase said and each exclamation really means.

There will be arguments and accusations. Groups and cliques will form. Some of those in the house will deliberately attempt to gain favour, whilst others attempt to climb to the very top along a ladder formed by the knives they have stuck into the backs of fellow members of the house.

Throughout, the public will themselves speculate about those they previously thought of as upstanding citizens as a stream of press revelations about their private lives sheds light on dark underbellies they previously had attempted to keep secret. Come the end of this particular series of broadcasts there is likely to be a re-shuffle in the hierarchy based on the popularity gained or lost over the last few weeks.

Recently, Michael Martin MP, the speaker of the House of Commons denied it was to move to Celebrity Big Brother style text voting, a new series of which coincidentally overlaps with this next session of Parliament.