Daily Express lambastes Diana comic competitor for showing facts

The world's greatest comic, the Daily Express, today launched a scathing attack on a competitor for what it describes as a “flagrant publishing of facts” about Diana, Princess of Wales in a newly released comic book.

“The story of Diana is no place for facts and accuracy,” complained an editorial in the Express today. “This newly published comic about the life of Saint Diana of Wales tarnishes our carefully crafted memory of this otherworldly and saintly goddess, even though she was being ridden by an immigrant.”

The comic “Female Force : Princess Diana” documents her life based on events that have actually happened and been recorded by reputable news sources. This has provoked the ire of the Daily Express and caused the care workers at the Diana Circle for the delusional to be forced to use up their stocks of Ketamine to regain order before nap-time.

“This comic illustrates Diana's final days, with lurid so called ‘facts’ such as being on a yacht with Dodi and having had a state funeral broadcast around the globe,” ranted the Express. “The drawings bear no relation to the long lens paparazzi shots that we published before and after we said we wouldn't. At no point does it mention our stories about how she was knocked-up – even if it was by a foreigner.”

The paper further condemned references to the deaths of both Diana and Dodi Fayed in a car crash in 1997, something that the Express believes is an unjustifiable insult to their magical and almost unbelievable story of a fairy princess.

“Where are the true stories of how she cured AIDS with a hug or cleared away all the lost land-mines with just a smile? Where is her role as an icon for family values?” boomed the Express in its heavy hitting article next to the listing for its proprietors porn channel. “This so-called comic can't match our standards of truth. It makes no mention of the lizard people preventing Diana from unlocking the secret of the Holy Grail by attempting to kill her.”

The newspaper said that above all else the ending of the comic, referencing the funeral showed a complete lack of journalistic integrity on the part of the comic's Canadian publishers.

“You can't expect Johnny foreigner to understand our history the way we do,” said the article. “We have reported about Saint Diana of Fayed every day over the last decade and we know that she is alive and well.”

Why there is nothing “unnatural” about the death of the Daily Mail and Jan Moir's soul

The ongoing story of the Daily Mail's death is not really shocking, it is just another pointless scandal sheet that is deservedly dying on it's arse.

Through the recent travails and sad end of theLondonPaper, the Evening Standard becoming a free sheet and the Daily Express becoming a vehicle for Diana death porn, newspaper journalists know to expect the unexpected of their proprietors, who may be shadowed by dark appetites or fractured by private vice and TV porn channels to promote.

There are dozens of nameless journalists desperate to become household names and we aren't being ghoulish with our expectation of the end of their humanity; a long thirsty night, a tough deadline, an odd set of prejudices of an odder set of readers that herald the death of a barely respected woman's soul.

In the morning a heart has already turned cold before the first shaking hand replaces the icy breakfast vodka with the touch of the keyboard. It is desperate for a new storyline, isn't it?

In fact it is somewhat rather depressingly familiar form for the Daily Mail that has once again found space amongst glorified press-releases for health products and unfounded health scares to sober-up one of its columnists prepared to once again tread on the memories of those recently past, and the emotions of those dealing with bereavement

“I am quite prepared to rubbish a man who has died in the prime of life, despite a formal autopsy declaring natural causes. We all know there is inneundo for me to write and the memory of everything he achieved in life must be trashed,” said Jan Moir through her Femail column. “He was a bum-bandit, don't you see? He wasn't like me. For example he had legions of fans, was pretty and men wanted to have sex with him.”


EDIT : The Daily Fail has now amended Moir's original article's title - it was "Why there was nothing 'natural' about Stephen Gately's death"

Daily Express will back Princess Diana at next election, Daily Mail roots for things that cause cancer, no cure, no cause again

It is the middle of conference season again, a time of the year when The Sun chooses the prevailing political bandwagon to hitch it's sales cart to. Therefore it is time to assess the allegiances of the major national newspapers, and the Daily Express.

The Sun
The newspaper based on the journalistic principles of big-bouncy breasts holds the rather depressing position as being the highest circulation of Murdoch's opinion leaflets. Following Gordon Brown's speech at the Labour party conference the paper has vowed to align with David Cameron for its daily tit based news.

Daily Mail
A difficult one to call, since the Mail appears convinced we will all be dead in our worthless homes long before the election occurs. On the wild assumption that the Mail does not always print facts, a perusal of its health-scare obsessed advertorials indicates that its most fervent ardour is reserved for those aspects of society that it deems most cancerous. Likely to back the Conservatives.

The Mirror
Traditionally left leaning, The Mirror has been a fervent supporter of Labour throughout its history. Almost certain to continue to back the government unless it finds some more obviously fake photos that might increase circulation.

The Daily Telegraph
Despite scandal and innuendo it is likely that the subscriptions to one of the few remaining morning arm-stretches will continue to turn up on Conservative MPs’ expenses claims - if only as lining for duck houses.

Daily Express
The list would be complete without the Express, an anti-immigration sheaf of advertisements for pornographic television channels run by its proprietor Richard Desmond. In between those adverts it will certainly proclaim that it is “Backing Diana in 2010” and that “visions of St Diana of Wales would cure all ills, especially for anyone being shagged by an Egyptian immigrant”. Might swing to any party that bans white Fiat Unos.

After Michael Jackson : Interviewees terrified they will be the next victims of the CURSE OF BASHIR

Experts said last night that former interviewees of Martin Bashir are “shitting themselves” following the death of Michael Jackson, who was the subject of the former Newsround presenter’s controversial interview. This follows less than fifteen years after Bashir's infamous Panorama interview with Diana, Princess of Wales.

“They are just dropping like flies! Hot on the heels of Diana dying, a mere twelve years later and Whacko Jacko has dropped dead,” said unsuccessful nanny and convicted baby killer, Louise Woodward. “I am quite literally shaking.”

Other of Bashir's interviewees are said to be equally nervous that they may be next to fall victim of what someone at Sky News will inevitably scream is the “CURSE OF BASHIR”.

“You wake up each morning and you're just thankful you are alright!” said former closet enthusiast, Michael Barrymore. “People used to give me a million quid for that. This curse though won't put me off from another big money interview. But it has to be exclusive, no pool interviews.”

Members of the public currently mourning the death of the “self-proclaimed King Of Pop(tm)” have been saddened to learn of the Bashir connection and that any of his interviewees could be next to die sudden and premature deaths.

“It is just such a crying shame that anyone of them could be taken from us without a moment's notice,” said Kay Billingsworth an amateur journalist working for Sky News who has rushed out to Los Angeles to stand next to the Jackson mansion and look at cars leaving the driveway. “But with a 24 hour news cycle to fill, really we should get to pick who dies next with what we are calling the 'CURSE OF BASHIR’.”

Analysts have pointed out that believers in the curse may have to wait some time for its next manifestation, given that it took two year’s to claim Diana following her interview, and four before the “self-proclaimed King Of Pop(tm)” became its latest victim.

“It looks like this is a curse that is in for the long haul,” said one TV journalist. “Still we can take some consolation from the fact that Martin Bashir did interview Jeffrey Archer.”

Jade versus Diana - The popular posthumous Princesses

Reality TV character Jade Goody, who sadly died today, is now poised for an assault on the posthumous tabloid records held by the late Diana, Princess of Wales. As Goody’s team plans her challenge we look at the contenders and talk to the key members of their teams for the upcoming season.

Jade Goody "Essex Princess":-
The challenger and posthumously titled "Essex Princess" has had a much shorter career than her more established opponent. A meteoric rise to stardom found her representing Essex on the world stage. Having set new standards for the people of the county to aspire to she took the Essex way of life to a whole new market in India. Her widower, Jack Tweed also showed how to bring curfews and ankle tags from the south of East Angular to living rooms the world over. During a short career she has made the pages of Heat and OK! and shelves full of TV magazines her own, but will it be enough?

"People criticised our preparation for this fight, saying that our planning was wrong – that the tribute edition had gone too early – before she had actually died," said publicist Clifford Billingsworth. "But we have to stick with what we know – photos of her before she lost weight, after she put it back on again and wearing a headscarf, We think the funeral will be big for us."

The team acknowledges that the champion, who has defended her title successfully for a dozen years, has a huge advantage in what many believe is a two horse race.

"Diana is a true competitor, but you know maybe she is a bit past her prime – having died in 1997. We are younger and we think that we can make use of the web and mobile media to flog our filly," said Billingsworth.

Diana, Princess of Wales:-
The undisputed champion of the tabloids, and self styled Princess of Hearts, has been raking in column inches for decades. Such an ever present daily fixture it is difficult to believe that she has been dead for nearly 12 years - and indeed many people don’t. Her team, led by the Daily Express, knows that the "Essex Princess" could give them a run for their money and is not resting on its laurels.

"Goody is a stiff competitor but our girl isn’t dead and buried, according to conspiracy theories we haven’t printed. Yet. We think OK! may have gone early but not all of the stories about Diana being pregnant have been made up. Yet," said Express owner Richard Desmond. "It’s the People’s Princess’s title, and Goody has to wrench it from our cold, dead hands."

The Daily Express – the World’s Greatest newspaper set in 1950 – is so ebullient it is worried about collateral damage.

"If we launch a complete Diana bombardment we can carpet bomb the media," said Desmond. "However we are worried we won’t have space for our usual tirade of racism and kicking the McCanns."

Other players
Professional Wedding Attendee Elton John:-
Elton John was a friend of both Princesses. There has been no comment on rumours that John, famous for both weddings and funerals, will turn his hand to a singing career. Key to tabloid competition, John having headlined Diana’s funeral will mean Goody’s corner will be keen to get the gay stereotype in front of the cameras. Not dead.

Evil fiend Sir Fred Goodwin:-
Could act as a spoiler. Neither a princess, nor popular, he is the newly crowned face of the Credit Crunch and has landed the role of a soap opera villain as a shorthand for thirsty editors who don’t understand the financial crisis. Could rob the main contenders of valuable exposure. And the public of huge amounts of cash. Not dead, yet.

Newspaper condemns Dunblane shooting survivors for turning into normal teenagers

The nation is still trying to absorb the shocking revelation from the Sunday Express that the surviving schoolchildren from the Dunblane massacre in 1996 have grown up into annoying, foul-mouthed, lustful teenagers - just like millions of their peers.

"Their web pages, blogs and so on are filled with swearing, stories of drinking and even sex," said Harry Billingsworth former high-profile Donkey Porn star who has recently admitted to being a journalist at Express newspapers. "They are filled with things that you would not want your wife, or your servants, to read."

The Sunday Express – the World's Greatest Newspaper set in the 1950s – highlighted how several of the children have not spent every waking moment of the last thirteen years waking screaming from nightmares, pining for lost ones nor writing angst ridden poetry of the loss of their childhood friends. Indeed the newspaper's findings reveal that they are interested in the same things that every other teenager is – feeling each others bits, cheap cider and avoiding soap.

"How dare they grow up to be normal? They should be riddled with the tragedy that they lived through in the mid-90s, which should shape the rest of their lives," said the Express journalist. "Yet nowhere, on any of their MySpace pages, are there endless eulogies to the People's Princess of Hearts, Saint Diana of Wales, which is, of course, what Internet publishing is for."

The article highlights how the survivors of that tragic day have blossomed into young adults without paying any regard to others who may not have recovered so well from the days of the terrible shootings in Dunblane Primary School.

"Do these people have no memories of the hardworking journalists who door-stepped the local community at the time of the tragedy and adorned their stories with photos of tearful families? Who went to the trouble of making an entry on my calendar for a ‘now they are adults’ piece thirteen years in advance?" asked Billingsworth. "It is sickening to be confronted by this wanton display of normality when I have been struggling for years for an award winning human interest story and have only the wonderful memory of Diana to fill in the gaps between loan shark advertising and racist scaremongering?"

World's heaviest bulimia sufferer dies

Friends and family were today mourning the death of Tracey Billingsworth, who died yesterday at the age of 38. Tracey, from Thurrock in Essex, held the title of the World's largest sufferer of bulimia - an eating disorder whereby the suffer causes themselves to vomit.

"She was such a big person, in every way,” said her mother, Sharon. “She suffered terribly with her eating disorder, but she never let it get her down, or stop her doing what she wanted to do. She would just bounce from one episode to the next.”

Tracey had suffered from weight problems since she was a small girl. Indeed her Weight Watcher's journal from the last two decades reveal how her weight had yo-yo-ed from a maximum of just under 24 stone to a low of over 22 stone. After many years of struggle she was diagnosed as bulimic by the Upstairs School of Homoeopathic Remedies - above the dance studio in Basildon town centre. Traditionally bulimia is associated with people who are underweight, however in Tracey's case the frequent and regular periods of vomiting were exacerbated by other conditions.

"She had always struggled with her weight, since she became big-boned as a child. When Princess Diana discovered bulimia, Tracey just knew that was the condition for her,” said her tearful mum. “The people at the Homoeopathy School were amazed that someone who threw up as much as she did could be so large, but she had such a big frame and such a desire for life that if a bout of bulimia did strike her it would not prevent her from rejoining her friends in the pub and carrying on as though nothing had happened.”

Mrs Billingsworth said the hardest part would probably be quiet Sunday shopping trips, where Tracey's ebullient personality would be sorely missed.

“Everyone loved her, she used to charm the young lads who worked at Krispie Kreme, where she was such a regular customer. She would often get an extra half dozen free.” said Sharon. “Sunday's won't be the same without the sound of her crashing into the downstairs loo and those sad sounds of her condition. She always had a smile for us and never let it get the family down. No matter how bad it would be she would be home in time for Sunday lunch and always wanted extra helpings of my trifle.”

Indeed, it was the muffled sounds of her condition that would often signal the heart-breaking end to a fun-filled night out .

“We would go out to Bingo of a Wednesday night and have fifteen or twenty Bacardi Breezers and a Kebab or two and often, even before we got home, Tracey's bulimia would flare up in the back of the Taxi.”

The tenth anniversary of the tragic death of a controversial figure

Today, to mark the tenth anniversary of the tragic deaths of 31st August 1997, a series of commemorative events will be held across the world as people from all walks of life remember a lonely figure, chased by paparazzi in the seconds before death.

One of the key events will be a candlelit vigil at the Pont d’Alma tunnel in Paris, the site of the car accident that claimed the life of someone who in death has become even more famous and controversial than in life.

In Paris and London special services will be held to mark the passing of Henri Paul. Mr. Paul, whose death sparked an extended period of mourning in Britain, in France and around the world will be remembered in a special tribute by his employer at the time, Mohammed Al-Fayed.

Mr Al-Fayed, who has maintained over the years since Henri Paul’s death, that his chauffer was killed by a secret service plot sponsored by the Duke of Edinburgh, will be determined to lead the high profile media events marking the anniversary.

Mourners are expected to converge from all over the world on various sites of deep relevance at this time, such as the bar in the Paris Ritz where Henri Paul spent the last few hours of his life before being unexpectedly pressed into action on that fateful evening.

"Without Henri Paul and his actions that fateful night in Paris, I would not be able to come here, to Kensington Palace, to lay flowers, or make my pilgrimage to the memorial in Harrods or Hyde Park," said Hillary Billingsworth of Newton Abbott. "I never met Mr. Paul, but I could tell from his smile on that security video that he really was the people's chauffeur."

A wide range of memorabilia is available for those wishing to commemorate the death of such an historic figure. These include Ritz branded shot glasses bearing the chauffeur's signature, and a children’s Mercedes “stunt car” set complete with pose-able action figures.

The Daily Express is to mark the anniversary with a special edition filled with extensive allegations, rumours and innuendo detailing the conspiracy surrounding those fateful events on that tragic night, the life of Henri Paul and the establishment cover-up of his death that continues on both sides of the English Channel. Included will be a special colour supplement containing hundreds of paparazzi photos from the life of Mr. Paul and his celebrity acquaintances, including royalty and famous heirs.

Also on this day in 1997 the deaths of Dodi Al-Fayed and Diana, Princess of Wales are remembered.

Brown reveals plans for Duchess of York Commemoration

As the tenth anniversary of Tony Blair’s coining of the immortal phrase "People’s Princess" approaches Gordon Brown today revealed further plans to follow in his predecessor’s footsteps.

"Tony Blair made great capital out of the statement he gave after the apparent death of Diana," said the Prime Minister. "I plan to improve my popularity in the UK and internationally, especially in the United States, by invoking similar platitudinal sentimentality regarding the death of the Divvie’s Duchess."

As with many leading figures the arrangements for the funeral and commemoration of Sarah Ferguson are made years in advance but in this case are being brought forward on a political schedule. To ensure that the shared grief is as media friendly as possible the pavements outside Gregg’s pasty shops will be cordoned off for laying of flowers and stuffed ‘Budgie the helicopter’ toys. Wedgewood pottery, who she has spent several years promoting, are already stockpiling commemorative ceramic ‘Fergie toes’ for remembrance sucking.

Several ski resorts around the world will be offering free lift passes for the day of the memorial service, to honour the tradition of Sarah Ferguson’s many holidays at other’s expense.

Whilst many people think Sarah, Duchess of York is the kind of person who would be late for her own funeral, Downing Street said that despite being alive and well "she has time to make our schedule."

At the memorial service itself, fellow celebrity ginger, Elton John, will perform a specially adapted version of his hit duet now entitled "Don’t go baking the tart (She’d rather have it fried)".

A spokesman for Buckingham Palace revealed that whilst there were no truth in conspiracy theories surrounding Royal complicity in the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, the Palace would "definitely be part of any arrangements" surrounding the unfortunate death of Fergie.

Princess Diana found Alive

In a shocking revelation it was today revealed that rather than having been killed in a car crash in the tunnel at the Point D’Alma in Paris, Princess Diana is actually alive and well and running the news desk of a leading tabloid newspaper.

Shiona Winlingsborth, a sixth form student who was taking part in the Daily Express’s work experience programme, made the sensational discovery but at first thought it was too bizarre to be true.

"Well, I just thought it was someone who looked a bit like her, you know. Diana’s died, she was like killed in that car crash, or something," said Miss Winlingsborth. "On my last day I took a photo of the news room and showed it to a few friends and they all recognised her."

Diana, Princess of Wales, confessed that the stories were indeed true and that she had been secretly working in the newsroom and helping to shape the Express’s stories

"When the crash happened, I realised that it was a chance to get out of the limelight," said a tearful, doe-eyed princess, speaking exclusively to the Daily Express. "However after a few months I realised that I just needed that oxygen of publicity again."

Under the pseudonym of Diana Spencer, she said she was able to get a job and pass the checking of not just the personnel procedures but the rigorous investigative analysis of her Express journalist colleagues.

“We just never suspected that Diana, was well Diana,” explained Rhys Billingsworth, Daily Express Chief Researcher . “I guess we have been focussing too much on how MI6, in collaboration with Masonic Vampires, killed her to see the truth as obvious as it was.”

"I was able to subtly plant some stories about myself, not too many, just a few to keep the headlines going. I was careful not to overdo it, " said the Princess. "I think I was only on the front page of the Express 46 times last year."

Diana said that in some ways she was relieved that the truth had come out, but also pleased that she can leave a legacy of higher journalistic standards.

"You know, before the crash, the paper was filled with paparazzi photos, but in my time on the news desk I was able to change that, now they only use ad-hoc photos from freelance photographers."

You can read more about Diana’s amazing story, each and every day in the Daily Express.

Time Travelling tourists relax with a coffee

A recent paper from researchers at the University of Liverpool has provided evidence for the future development of time travel. Controversial scientist Professor J. Scott Billingsworth revealed the findings after a 5 year study into archival photographs and video evidence.

“We took the position that if time travel was possible then at some point it would be achieved,” he said. “Therefore in the future people must have started coming back in time. Or should I say ’must start coming back in time’. The reason the report took so long to write was getting the tense correct!” he quipped.

“We envisaged that future historians, or even time travelling tourists would be the first to want to see great vents first hand. Not only were we successful we can also solve some long-standing mysteries.” announced the Professor at a news conference at Liverpool’s Adelphi hotel.


“Careful scrutiny of the famous footage taken by Abraham Zapruder of the assassination of President Kennedy shows a large number of people using mobile phones to record the events from the grassy knoll in Dealey Plaza.” he said showing a series of still photographs.

“We can also say that there was no second gun-man on the grassy knoll as such a shooting position has now become, in 1963, obscured by a Starbucks coffee shop as shown in other photos taken at the time.”

Professor J. Scott Billingsworth revealed that the supposed paparazzi chasing Diana, Princess of Wales, through the Pont de l'Alma tunnel were in fact Daily Express photographers after exclusive photos for the newspaper’s 100th anniversary 275 page special report to be published in 2097.



Following Professor Billingsworth’s revelations other researchers have discovered that time travelling tourists of the future visited the Battle of Hastings in 1066. Students of the section of the Bayeux Tapestry depicting King Harold’s death have discovered a pictogram of a Japanese tourist in shorts with a digital camera standing outside Starbucks.


The Starbucks Corporation, whose first shop opened in 1971, refused to comment on any future plans to use time machines to expand their chain of coffee shops into the past once they have a coffee shop in every location in the present.

UK has World’s first celebrity based economy

Today the Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gordon Brown, announced that the UK economy was the first in the developed world to be primarily based upon celebrity culture.

“For two centuries Britain led the way by moving from an agricultural to an Industrial base becoming the ‘workshop of the world’,” he said. ”In the 20th Century we used services to transition from industry to the information age and now, as we embark upon the 21st century, the great pillars of our economy are paparazzi-photo filled newspapers, reality TV shows and of course text voting.”

Mr Brown cited Britain’s pre-eminent position in all areas of the celebrity landscape as evidence of the change in our lifestyles giving examples such as the Daily Express’s fixation with Diana, Princess of Wales, or the Daily Telegraph with Liz Hurley.

“Sir Elton John, for example, was once one of the leading lights of the music industry, but has now become a professional wedding attendee in his desire to fuel the tabloid newspaper industry,” said the chancellor.

“Thanks to the vapid spread of British culture, the world is obsessed with our ability to produce a stream of women who look thin in a hat and whose aim is to get onto the credit card and cock of a Premiership footballer.”

Mr Brown said that the UK although pre-eminent, was facing stiff competition and would have to work hard to be as productive as the USA in terms of ‘rehab dependency’. “The United States has always had a culture of seeking therapy but thankfully the youth of today have Robbie Williams as an excellent role model, easily outclassing the limited offerings from Britney Spears.”

Critics argue that the UK is in fact suffering a reduction, rather than an increase, in celebrity after the export of the Beckhams to Los Angeles and the outsourcing of the winner of Celebrity Big Brother to India.

When asked by reporters at today’s news conference in 11 Downing Street what impact the recent scandal of TV telephone voting would have on the celebrity economy, the chancellor replied “Oh, does anyone remember how to make a car?”

It is Christmas 1982 - still

Conventional wisdom says that Christmas comes earlier every year. Shop shelves start to fill with festive food as soon as Halloween is over and the decorations start appearing before the smoke has cleared from Bonfire Night. However research from the University of Liverpool to the East of the University of West Liverpool have discovered that Christmas has actually come no earlier this year than in the last quarter of a century - we are still in the 1982 Christmas season!
“The going in assumption for our research had been that Christmas is getting earlier, as sure as policeman are getting younger but the more we looked the more we realised that we could not see where one Christmas season ended and another began, “ explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth upon the publication of his team’s findings. “We traced this all the way back to 1982, it is surprising but it is true”.

The report shows that in the Christmas of 1982: the news was filled with stories about Princess Diana, the aftermath of a mysterious assassination in London and a violation of privacy of the Royal household; the country was ruled by an unpopular government and was at war with a far off country; a Beatles hits album was riding high in the charts; the top toy was a puzzle that amused adults and children alike; there was conflict in the Lebanon and Noel Edmonds was a TV favourite; there was also an affectionate relationship between an older US President and the British Prime Minister.

“Christmas 1982 is much like Christmas 2006 in cultural terms,” continued Professor Billingsworth, “Indeed if you look at the trend over the intervening years you’ll see that those themes run right through.”

However whilst it appears as though we are all living in some bleak “Ground Hog Day” simply warming up the same cultural meal like Boxing Day left-overs the researchers revealed bright new hope for 2007.

“2007 is the year that this trend will be broken. Music will finally enter the electro-techno pop envisaged by 1980s Sci-Fi, nuclear fusion power will be come a reality; breakthroughs will be made in treatment of cancer. Princess Diana will have been conclusively and finally laid to rest and Noel Edmonds will leave our TV screens following the inevitable beard trimmer incident. These coupled with the realisation of cheap trips into Space will see a happier and more prosperous Christmas 2007 for all, “ announced Billingsworth during drinks at the post launch party.
“No, I am kidding. It will be the same old stuff until the cultural shock that accompanies the Alien landings of 2009.”