General Gordon : “British economy will be back by Christmas”

General Gordon Brown today rallied the troops of the British economy with a stirring battle cry certain to revitalise morale after the unexpected news that the British Expenditory Force had not seen a recovery in the nation’s fortune.

“It is clear that, possibly, we can see that there may be indications of a shadow of a partial recovery by the end of this year,” thundered Gordon in one of history’s greatest leadership speeches. “Certainly early next year, if not perhaps shortly thereafter.”

General Gordon was responding to recent news of the reversals in performance of our chief economic allies, France and Germany, who have seen their prospects improve by securing victories in the battle against malevolent recessionary forces.

“Under my leadership I have put in place a structure to support anyone in Britain wishing to amass a small fortune,” said General Gordon. “They simply start with a large one.”

General Gordon said that it was vital that everyone understood that they had their role to play in the latest push forward to secure success on the international business battlefield.

“It would be suicidal to put recovery of my poll numbers at risk by suddenly cutting off the logistical flow of your cash when what we need is another big push,” said General Gordon. “I am solemnly prepared to sacrifice just a few more millions of your jobs, or billions of your pounds to send us over the top.”

The General also took time to respond to allegations that a further set-back might lead to a spiral of failure and reduction in morale that it would be impossible to recover from.

“There is now no danger of suffering a second Great Depression,” said General Gordon. “The yellow pills really are quite marvellous.”

The General, through another commanding oratory, reminded us that last year he had succeeded in saving the world and re-iterated that all that was needed to secure Britain’s future was one more valiant charge.

“As I stand here on, or very nearly close to, the edge of a decisive change in fortune, with the people of Great Britain standing determinedly behind me,” he implored in his trademark crescendo of rapture. “All I need is one more push and it will all be over by Christmas.”

Study reveals average mental age of internet user is 12 years old

Studies have confirmed what many have suspected for some time, that everyone else is arrogant, rude, unprincipled and self absorbed.

“We have been studying society for some time now, especially with the growth in the internet and social media,” said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth of the Jeremy Kyle University. “Countless studies and thousands of individual researchers have concluded that everyone else is an unspeakable shit.”

Researchers claim that the explosion of internet forums and networking sites unrelated to normal circles of friends and work colleagues has provided an unparalleled ability for other people to abuse each other and strut like pre-pubescent children.

“You can see the behaviour all around us but somehow we let it go,” said Billingsworth from his cell. “You only have to look at the way people drive huge 4x4s so that they don't have to consider other road users, or how using a mobile phone or an iPod makes you exempt from having to look where the fuck you are walking. For some reason other people's seats are good enough for you to put your feet up on.”

However the study found that the Internet was a very fat and ugly mirror into the natural behaviour of everyone else, with comments on blogs and internet forums revealing the mental age of the average internet user to be 12. If you are lucky you retard.

“In the past, people were just as arrogant, but having their identity known meant that only a few of us had the sophistication and wit to properly insult all the time-wasters,” screamed Professor Billingsworth through the access hatch. “We would engage in letters and articles entrapping journalists with their stupid gay voice recorders who can't even work their out of date mobile phones. God you are so lame.”

The study, distributed via the Kyle University's website was supported with a live Q&A text chat session to discuss it's findings in greater detail.

“FFS OBVIOUSLY !!!1!!1!one” an unnamed co-author of the report responded to a question. “You journalists are just uber-noobs fucktards. Probably gay too.”

Middlesbrough surprised at having to sack Gareth Southgate

The board of Middlesbrough Football Club have expressed surprise at having to sack Gareth Southgate after the team’s 2-0 victory over Derby County.

“To be honest we thought we had sacked him ages ago,” said Middlesbrough board member Steve Billingsworth. “I thought that we had just been winging it for a couple of seasons, but it turns out that he has been coming in everyday!”

Middlesbrough, another North East club notable for an unshakeable belief in its own greatness, claims that it must be looking after longer term interests than just being one point off the lead of the Championship.

“Obviously Middlesbrough is a Premier League team, the best in the world. Premier League class,” said Billingsworth. “I don’t care if that is football, or cricket in India.”

The club however has reiterated its heartfelt gratitude to Mr Southgate in the same warm and sincere tones with which it had recently backed him in the role of manager before he was sacked.

“We would like to thank Gareth for all the hard work, skill and determination that resulted in us losing more games than we won and at one point going 14 games without a win. Not to mention giving Middlesbrough a genuine chance at winning the Championship trophy thanks to our relegation,” said a statement. “Without doubt he is a Middlesbrough man through and through.”

The statement continued that Southgate was always welcome at the Riverside Stadium since “we really need some bums on seats. And he is fully qualified.”

As is the custom, rumours are now circulating as to who the new manager of such a massive club will be.

“I have seen a former candidate for manager of England looking at adverts in a newsagent’s window in Coulby Newham,” said one fan. Another reported seeing a currently unemployed Scottish manager talking to his former goal-keeping coach while they “queued to buy 4-weekly saver bus tickets for the Teeside zone.”

Union attacks plan for 30,000 more casual workers at Royal Mail

The Communication Workers Union, which represents staff at the Royal Mail that are postal, has condemned plans by the Royal Mail to employ 30,000 temporary employees to deal with the back-log created by union members working even less than normal.

“There is no way that these new temporary staff are going to gain the experience of a proper postie in just a few days,” said Bob Billingsworth of the CWU. “It takes years to be able to time your toilet breaks to work time only and to know the best skips on your route into which to dump mail. If all the proper posties are on strike, who is going to show these new people the 'undeliverable parcel' ropes that helps fill the end of month lucky dip with so many Amazon and QVC packages?”

Union workers are objecting plans by the Royal Mail to drag the institution into the 21st century. They fear that increased automation is likely to lead to job losses and a chance that your letter might get to the correct address, rather than just ending up in the first house on your street that the postie passes.

“If you are lucky!” commented Billingsworth. “We in the union want to make sure that in this modern day and age an item of post is handled by at least 6 highly skilled and fully qualified people before being ripped to shreds.”

Other modernisation plans involve a radical scheme to have the sorting office check the intended address against it's own comprehensive database of possible addresses before handing it to a bloke on a bike who, if confused, will just deliver it somewhere that looks a bit like it.

“The Royal Mail lives in a fantasy land. It claims that it is now possible to tell the difference between house numbers such as 43 and 13,” said Billingsworth. “It has even claimed that the numbers 12 and 13 represent different properties! A machine would have to be sober to achieve that.”

People across Britain are believed to be taking no additional precautions to allow for the thousands of items of post that will become lost, damaged or stolen during the postal crisis. As most believe they will see no difference to normal postal service.

“Apparently there is a word for what they will be doing, it's something called a 'Strike',” said the owner of a mail order business in Sheffield. “I assumed it was just business as usual.”

Why there is nothing “unnatural” about the death of the Daily Mail and Jan Moir's soul

The ongoing story of the Daily Mail's death is not really shocking, it is just another pointless scandal sheet that is deservedly dying on it's arse.

Through the recent travails and sad end of theLondonPaper, the Evening Standard becoming a free sheet and the Daily Express becoming a vehicle for Diana death porn, newspaper journalists know to expect the unexpected of their proprietors, who may be shadowed by dark appetites or fractured by private vice and TV porn channels to promote.

There are dozens of nameless journalists desperate to become household names and we aren't being ghoulish with our expectation of the end of their humanity; a long thirsty night, a tough deadline, an odd set of prejudices of an odder set of readers that herald the death of a barely respected woman's soul.

In the morning a heart has already turned cold before the first shaking hand replaces the icy breakfast vodka with the touch of the keyboard. It is desperate for a new storyline, isn't it?

In fact it is somewhat rather depressingly familiar form for the Daily Mail that has once again found space amongst glorified press-releases for health products and unfounded health scares to sober-up one of its columnists prepared to once again tread on the memories of those recently past, and the emotions of those dealing with bereavement

“I am quite prepared to rubbish a man who has died in the prime of life, despite a formal autopsy declaring natural causes. We all know there is inneundo for me to write and the memory of everything he achieved in life must be trashed,” said Jan Moir through her Femail column. “He was a bum-bandit, don't you see? He wasn't like me. For example he had legions of fans, was pretty and men wanted to have sex with him.”


EDIT : The Daily Fail has now amended Moir's original article's title - it was "Why there was nothing 'natural' about Stephen Gately's death"

Heart of Darkness offers ground-breaking “dark bedroom simulator” at Tate Modern

Heart of Darkness, the latest art installation in the great turbine hall at Tate Modern has been heralded as being an artistic triumph and an artwork that can at last bring the experience of a darkened room within the reach of the common man.

“Marvellous, stupendous, a triumph!” exclaimed art critic Septimus Billingsworth. “You go into the huge container and it is dark. How else could we experience darkness?”

Not only is the installation the first, and so far only, way for anyone to experience a dark room, or hall, the technology behind it has baffled critics and visitors alike.

“You have to wonder how it is done, like that tap that floats on the water pouring from it's own spigot,” said Billingsworth. “Just how is darkness created? It has influenced me deeply, just this morning as I awoke in my blacked out bedroom I was once again thinking just how impossible the experience had been.”

Visitors are being asked to prepare themselves for a visceral spiral of emotions as they visit the huge container.

“I spoke to one of the curators before I went in, as part of the training, for no one can be expected to know what to feel,” said Billingsworth. “He said to imagine a darkened hall. I couldn't. Who could? What a torture this triumph is. Then he said 'Imagine a box containing the impact on the country if Tracey Emin left' and I was there – truly feeling nothing.”

Art expert and layman alike have responded warmly to finally being given the ability to stand in the dark, something that only perhaps a few billion people have ever experienced in the last 24 hours. This has led to the work gaining affectionate nicknames such as 'The Box', 'A Load of Nothing' and 'A Black Hole For Our Money'.

Tate Modern says that it is currently in negotiations with the Lottery Fund for the Arts for a series of replica installations across the country as part of a programme of events entitled “Living with Energy Saving Light-Bulbs”.

Woman responsible for Children's Services demands £1m to take responsibility for lack of service to children

Sharon Shoesmith, the Director of Children's services at Haringey council on whose watch Children's Services failed to prevent the systematic abuse of Baby P, is continuing her case demanding £1m as compensation if she is to be expected to fulfil the only definable role of a director.

“Sharon is distraught, she did not understand that the £133k salary was to actually take responsibility,” said a pal who did not wish to be named. “How could she, a mere Director of Children's services, whose only arguable skill is setting direction and making statements, be expected to take responsibility for the direction her people take or the ludicrous statements she might make?”

Ms Shoesmith was today in hiding behind e-mails from council executives even more remotely detached from their responsibilities than she is, that praise her spin and public relations approach despite evidence that the services they were collectively accountable for had failed so tragically.

“I was at the celebration meal when we all said thanks to Sharon for handling the press so well,” said the pal. “Without that press conference people might have got the idea that after 60 reports the staff in our charge should have done something to prevent this little tot's death.”

Ms Shoesmith is said to be oblivious to the fact that the ignorant praise from her executive management team indicates systemic incompetence and that more, not less, people should have been fired.

“Where will it all end? You can't expect someone on her pay scale to have any perspective on the impact they may have on people's lives, ” asked the pal. “These directors only earn twice as much as the average doctor, for god's sake.”

However it is the impact of her demonstrable failure as the Director of Children's Services in the Baby P case that has worried her so much. She is worried that the tot's 8 months of abuse whilst under her department's supervision might reflect badly on her.

“Sharon's very worried her future career prospects have been ruined,” said the pal. “She has looked at the executive appointments and can't find anything where the key skill is to dodge accountability. Although there might be some openings at the Ministry of Defence after the next election.”

Children’s Secretary Ed Balls refused to confirm that he is planning on tabling a motion requesting that parliament officially asks Ms Shoesmith to piss off.

David Cameron promises to “work a day in my life”

Today, at the Conservative Party Conference, leading figures said that behind closed doors, Tory leader David Cameron had pledged to work a day for the first time in his life.

“This is a key election promise from Dave,” said Sir Digby Billingsworth. “He is really committed to getting the work-shy off state benefits. In fact it wouldn’t surprise me if he worked two days.”

Mr Cameron has made it clear that he intends to get anyone who can work, back to work, and to stop them receiving £130,000 a year in state handouts for sitting around complaining about everything.

“I can empathise with all those many people that I am told have never been to Eton and for some reason never formed a good network of wealthy friends to see get them a directorship,” said the Tory leader. “I too understand the frustration of a day spent sitting in front of a TV with nothing to do but wait until make-up has finished.”

Mr Cameron says that he fully understands the situation facing the long-term unemployed, having spent eight years as a Conservative Member of Parliament.

“I want to bring my successes and expertise in industry into government, ” said Dave. “I have great experience, remember I was a Director at Carlton when we set-up OnDigital. Whatever happened to that?”

The ability to help re-tune the nation’s set-up boxes aside, Mr Cameron said that the country needed a charismatic, young, conservative leader with experience of handling huge budgets and complex issues whilst serving the richest and poorest members of society alike.

“Indeed,” said Boris Johnson. “That will be me then. Cripes!”

13 year old boys “are worth £6 million a year”

Following Jonathan Ross’s assertion that he is worth every penny of his £6m a year salary, parents have been warned about the inflationary pressure this may put on the pocket-money demands of 13 year old boys.

“It’s so unfair! I only get about £20 a week and I like talking about boobs and girls arses too,” said Derren Billingsworth, 13. “I spend a lot of time making wanking jokes on Friday nights too.”

Whilst the salary demands of those who talk about masturbation and breasts are seen to be beyond all but the wealthiest broadcasting corporations, it is believed that should the BBC wish to consider a reduction in so-called ‘talent costs’ there are plenty of people capable of stepping into Ross’s shoes.

“Only on a Friday night? You could start ‘Wanking 24’ with our Derren,” said Kate Billingsworth, Derren’s mum. “He’d have enough for the radio show too, if that’s what you was after.”

“I read comics too, and I would do programmes on Japanese Manga porn comics for, like, no extra money,” said Master Billingsworth. “Although I’d need a few minutes alone with the books to prepare.”

“Not only would my Derren be perfect for the role,” said Mrs Billingsworth. “He would probably even be discreet about why he was nipping to the toilet after interviewing Gwyneth Paltrow and would make sure he took his radio microphone off beforehand.”

The BBC has announced that it is reviewing the contracts of its presenters with a view to future salary reductions and it has analysed the levels of supply and demand for unattractive males to promise to have sex with attractive film-stars.

“Our requirements are for someone who dresses appallingly, is obsessed with making sexual remarks at inappropriate times and who doesn’t speak clearly, ” said a BBC spokesman. “So yes, a 13 year old boy would be perfect.”

FA rules that Londoners are incapable of civilised behaviour

The Football Association has ruled that Londoners supporting Arsenal Football Club do not have to behave themselves, especially when confronted by a man of African origin, possibly wearing a blue shirt. The ruling came as part of their suspended match ban of Manchester City’s Emmanuel Adebayor for opening his arms in front of a Londoner.

“The FA has ruled that in no way is it reasonable to expect a Londoner, possibly wearing a red shirt, to control their natural desire to riot when provoked by a black man in a blue shirt,” said a statement. “The normal behavioural expectation when encountering Londoners should to assume they are aggressive beasts and the African gentlemen should have known not to kneel in front of them. We have to make allowances for Londoners being unable to sit down and shut the fuck up.”

The FA said it was clear that the Londoners had suffered unduly from extreme provocation. According to a report they had endured sitting on a train that did not go underground and may only have been drinking since six in the morning, as opposed to their normal workday start.

“It is quite clear that most of these Londoners suffer from learning difficulties,” continued the FA statement. “You only have to listen to them and their limited speech capability. They have an impenetrable language based upon a very restricted alphabet.”

It is believed that your average Londoner has yet to make sense of concepts the rest of us take for granted such as “enjoying a football match” and “not ripping up the seats”.

The judgement is a sad indictment of the state of the modern Londoner, but comes only a few months after a large number of the beasts were sanctioned following a Carling Cup match at Upton Park when thousands of Londoners decided to shit on their own doorstep.

“We are introducing a new, simple, ‘Dictionary for Londoners’ with plenty of pictures,” said the FA. “To help them understand some of the concepts of the modern world that are alien to them.”

Entries include:-

Allegiance
Kissing a badge on a football shirt is not legally binding.

Loyalty
When a foreign gentlemen travel thousands of miles to play football for huge sums of money, it is very likely he may travel a few hundred miles for even more. He didn’t come to your city for the jellied eels and that lovable way you call everyone a cunt.

Daily Express will back Princess Diana at next election, Daily Mail roots for things that cause cancer, no cure, no cause again

It is the middle of conference season again, a time of the year when The Sun chooses the prevailing political bandwagon to hitch it's sales cart to. Therefore it is time to assess the allegiances of the major national newspapers, and the Daily Express.

The Sun
The newspaper based on the journalistic principles of big-bouncy breasts holds the rather depressing position as being the highest circulation of Murdoch's opinion leaflets. Following Gordon Brown's speech at the Labour party conference the paper has vowed to align with David Cameron for its daily tit based news.

Daily Mail
A difficult one to call, since the Mail appears convinced we will all be dead in our worthless homes long before the election occurs. On the wild assumption that the Mail does not always print facts, a perusal of its health-scare obsessed advertorials indicates that its most fervent ardour is reserved for those aspects of society that it deems most cancerous. Likely to back the Conservatives.

The Mirror
Traditionally left leaning, The Mirror has been a fervent supporter of Labour throughout its history. Almost certain to continue to back the government unless it finds some more obviously fake photos that might increase circulation.

The Daily Telegraph
Despite scandal and innuendo it is likely that the subscriptions to one of the few remaining morning arm-stretches will continue to turn up on Conservative MPs’ expenses claims - if only as lining for duck houses.

Daily Express
The list would be complete without the Express, an anti-immigration sheaf of advertisements for pornographic television channels run by its proprietor Richard Desmond. In between those adverts it will certainly proclaim that it is “Backing Diana in 2010” and that “visions of St Diana of Wales would cure all ills, especially for anyone being shagged by an Egyptian immigrant”. Might swing to any party that bans white Fiat Unos.