Doomsday machine gets new security system

Engineers at CERN have announced that the Large Hadron Collider, the machine set to kill us all, destroy the Earth and, most shockingly of all, ruin the final of Strictly Come Dancing has had a SF40m security update.

“Last year we were shut down before we could destroy, I mean start our experiment, by one of our magnets heating up,” explained Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. “Now if a secret agent does attempt at sabotage we will know immediately and a dozen henchmen in orange uniforms will be despatched to resolve the problem.”

Many believe that the LHC (which is the English acronym for the machine’s full French title of SKYNET) is capable of generating a black hole which would severely disrupt voting during the X-Factor. SKYNET has been rumoured to be housed at CERN’s underground lair on the Franco-Swiss border with the 27km super-gun circling a huge underground tank containing at least three genetically engineered shark-crocodile-Katie-Price fembots.

CERN’s announcement of the new warning system was contained in a press release carved into the forehead of an official from the Polish embassy found floating face down in Lake Geneva. This new system will ensure that there is no repeat of November 2008’s forced shut down of the collider, when a black-silhouetted figure was seen hastily working on an elaborate electrical wiring loom as a large clock counted down nearby.

“1 more second and we would have seen the end of the world … wide ignorance of the Higgs-boson,” laughed Professor Billingsworth somewhat maniacally. “Somehow the blue wire was cut with one second to go. Yet again! Maybe we should also change the colour of the firing wire.”

The British Secret Service, MI6, said that the new warning system may represent an end to the chances of saving humanity, unless someone is willing to carpool.

“We can’t send any operatives into the field anymore. The Health and Safety forms needed to sanction a license to kill are horrendous,” said a spokesman. “And let’s not get started about the procedure for carbon offsetting for international flights.”

Britain to revert back to the Gold Standard and to using Anglo-Saxon coins

Following the discovery of a huge amount of Saxon Gold the Chancellor today announced a plan to move the pound back to being measured against the gold standard and a distribution of revised coinage. This will be a first step in a series of reforms to support hard pressed public finances.

“In no way are we saying that the country is broke,” said Mr Darling from his place in the soup line. "However I did see an advert on the telly for one of those companies that buys old gold and thought we could raise a few quid that way.”

The Saxon hoard is comprised of thousands of gold coins, which will form the basis of the new currency, as well as some gold ornaments, which will be sent to pawnyourgold.co.uk.

“A lot of the finds are 7th century sword fittings,” said Mr Darling as he sipped his steaming rat broth. “So I will be passing these on to Bob Ainsworth to see if he can re-equip the troops fighting in Afghanistan with some more modern gear.”

The Chancellor said that the full plans would be unveiled once the Prime Minister had returned from his voyage across the Atlantic – his galleon is due to return in a couple of months – mutinies allowing.

“We have everything under control. The current call-centre based economy - in which we all just sell each other insurance - will have to change," said Mr Darling. “The future will be a gleaming age of mud and prostitution. I suggest you all find yourselves a goat since they can be used in either trade.”

The Chancellor refuted claims that a couple of thousand coins would be insufficient upon which to base the economy, saying that this was just the first phase.

“Clearly only the very top of society will be able to amass enough goats, whores, or goat-whores to acquire a gold coin,” he said. “But you will still be able to tell someone’s status if the host at a dinner party serves his guests with brand name, rather than Tesco’s own brand, dog food.”

TUC votes to ban women’s underwear

Following the vote over high-heels, in a further landmark ruling during the Trade Union Congress’s meeting in Liverpool, a motion was passed calling on all female underwear to be made illegal in the workplace.

“For too long women have been compelled to wear knickers, and bras, tights and stockings,” said Lorraine Billingsworth, a comfortable shoe wearing delegate at the conference. “Ban these evil, lying items of clothing, since you never look as good in them as the models in the catalogues.”

Union officials say that since men who may work in professions such as cabin crew or trade shows are not compelled to wear knickers or bras then they are clearly discriminatory and should be banned.

“I think it’s a great idea, sometimes the stewardess uniforms with their short skirts and high-heels must be difficult to spend the day in,” said George, a frequent flyer from Edinburgh and member of the Scottish Health & Safety executive. “If I knew that they were not wearing any knickers I would show them my firm support.”

If the ruling is made law it will have a dramatic effect on workplace attire for many women which is something that Trade Unionists believe need not be seen in a negative light.

“There will need to be regular checks to ensure that women are not being compelled to wear dangerous knickers,” said Health and Safety official Bill Insworth. “We believe that regular underwear checking will be a real growth area for our members.”

One profession that it is understood will be granted an exemption is that of the judiciary since it is generally believed that all judges of both sexes wear stockings and suspenders to work.

Remaining Noel Gallagher music catalogue released today

Following the news that guitar band Oasis has split acrimoniously, fans will have been consoled that the remaining songs from Noel Gallagher’s future albums were today released in box-set under the title of “Beatles in Stereo”.

“This has been done to give something back to the fans that have supported Oasis over the last 15 years or so,” said pop music expert, Paul Millingsworthy. “The release of Beatles Stereo is saying ‘This is what you would have heard anyway’.”

The band has made headlines throughout its history with several members, including the Gallagher brothers themselves, leaving and rejoining at several times and it is not clear if they will reform.

“Over the years the Gallagher brothers have behaved increasingly like an unhappy married couple,” said Millingsworthy. “They only really stayed together for the quids.”

Much like a divorce, commentators believe the band has now divided up its assets between the parties, with Noel taking the musical, lyrical, vocal and guitar playing talents and Liam keeping his tambourine.

More Record success for "tying a child to something"

Enthusiasts for tying children to things were today celebrating another milestone in passive record breaking by arbitrarily young people following the announcement of the country’s youngest “skydiver”.

“This really is great news,” said Bill Billingsworth, children binding enthusiast and part time caring parent. “It really shows that there are no limits to what a child can be tied to for the aggrandisement of adult egos.”

Tom Hayes, 7, became Britain’s youngest Skydiver when his parents allowed him to be tied to a stranger and flung out of a plane.

“This pushes the envelope, previous child tying records of been to inanimate objects at least controlled by responsible family members,” said Billingsworth. “The minimum age for jumping in the UK is 16 whereas in Slovenia neither the state nor the parents give a shit.”

Tom’s sister Lucy was unable to take the record from her brother since she is eight. She had to console herself with being Britain’s youngest female “skydiver”.

“Young Lucy should not be too upset,” said Billingsworth. “She is sure to be tied to something in the future and find 15 minutes of Internet fame.”

Customer group retaliates and brands Currys employees as "bunch of useless retards"

Following news of a Facebook group of some 3000 members where some employees of Currys and PC World call customers “stupid”, it has emerged that there is a customer group of some 60 million members with views on the capability of the employees themselves.

“Absolute idiots, worse than trained baboons,” was a comment from several thousand customers of the Aintree branch of PC World. “At least with a baboon you can see the shit it is sending your way before you get the box home and try and plug it in.”

“They know bugger all about computers,” continued another comment from two million people in the South East of London who use various Currys branches. “But they can stick anti-virus software and insurance onto your order when you aren’t looking.”

DGSi, the parent company of Currys and PC World, has expressed shock at the presence of the Facebook group when news of the activities of former and current employees came to light.

“Head office is very upset about the Facebook group,” said Murial Billingsworth, customer relations for DSGi. “We were amazed that we ever employed anyone who had ever actually used that interweb thing! We are going to have to locate these people and promote them. Some of them clearly understand that you don’t shout into a mouse, which they don’t learn from us until they reach management level.”

Other comments from the 60 million strong PC World customer dissatisfaction group include:-

• A visitor to Cardiff’s camera section commented: “When I asked which gave the better panoramic views: Fuji, Olympus or Pentax the woman said she had never heard of Mount Pentax.”
• A visitor to the Taunton Business Centre said “I asked one salesman what his recommended backup solution was and he said that his car had parking sensors.”
• Another customer from East Kilbride was told that she “could free up hard disk space if her documents contained less Bold typefaces.”
• One male assistant in Norwich said he was unable to assist with WiFi problems since he was not married.

As the online row continues a further group has been set up for trained baboons angry at being compared to employees of PC World.

Brown to enter into “Deal or No Deal”, with Gaddafi

The British Prime Minister today affirmed that he would not be dealing with terrorists during an announcement of pursuing a deal with Libya for compensation for IRA terrorism.

“I want to be clear that this is not a U-turn, I always intended to keep negotiating whilst not doing any deals,” said the Prime Minister. “At least while the £250,000 box was still in play.”

Mr Brown made the announcement after a telephone conversation where his latest poll numbers were revealed to him.

“None of my previous changes of direction have been U-turns,” re-iterated the Prime Minister. “After every decision I make the phone rings and based on the number I am told I decide whether or not to continue with my original game-plan. We have done that several times now.”

Mr Brown, one of a number of politicians who have taken the 'Walk of Wealth' to Tripoli in recent weeks, denied that there was any link between the pursuit of compensation for victims of terror, the release of terrorists or huge oil and gas contracts with a nation that has admitted to supporting and directly engaging in acts of international terror.

“Let me make this quite clear, I have been entirely consistent. We are after a deal on compensation, there was no deal on releasing dying terrorists and we hope to sign huge trade deals,” said Mr Brown. “It is all completely understandable when you realise that I am making my policy selections based on family member's birthdays. And also that Jack Straw's red box normally contains something of high value.”

The Conservative leader responded saying that the government was flip-flopping on important decisions and showing that it was not negotiating strongly enough for Britain's interests.

“Take the Credit Crunch, Brown was incapable of negotiating with the Banker properly then,” said Mr Cameron. “A Conservative government will ensure that every box is ticked with ruthless tenacity, sticking to our most basic values. George's system for ticking policy boxes is based upon the number of sequins on party dresses.”

Brown aide’s resignation leads to biscuit crisis in MoD

The shock waves are reverberating around the world following the announcement that the Parliamentary Private Secretary to the Defence Secretary had resigned citing the strategy being adopted in the war in Afghanistan. Survivors at Westminster, the epicentre of the political explosion, were first to comment.

“The resignation of Eric Joyce is a very serious blow to the war office of Gordon Brown,” said Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg. “Joyce was key to assisting the Defence Secretary in assisting the cabinet in assisting the Prime Minister. Key. And what’s more always used to make sure everyone was brought together for leaving presentations and had a slice of cake.”

Further afield the news has been received with shock, bewilderment and genuine concern for the future of Britain's role in Afghanistan.

“I cannot imagine the Ministry of Defence without Joyce being at the heart of organisation and planning,” said Afghan President Hamid Karzai. “Without her, won't Gordon Brown's secretary have to get the Prime Minister’s coffee himself?”

The Ministry of Defence denied that Mr Joyce's departure would have a serious impact on Britain's war effort, but conceded that an emergency re-shuffle had been undertaken to ensure that the Defence Secretary's office continued to run smoothly.

“Right after Joyce left Bob Ainsworth ran out of post-it notes and Joyce was the only one who knew where the key to the cupboard was,” said a spokesman. “However it turned out to be next to a copy of ‘Guns and Ammo Weekly’ that Mr Ainsworth had been looking for all day. So we struggled through.”

Despite assertions from the government that it is business as usual, Joyce’s decade of experience at assisting secretaries will certainly be missed in Whitehall and will be felt in Afghanistan.

“Whilst my birthday card from the MoD was signed by Bob Ainsworth himself, I think it certain that it was Joyce that would have bought it in her lunch hour,” said President Karzai. “I have spoken to Bob since she left and he says the office is a bit of a mess without her. No one has brought any cakes in and the filing is in complete disarray.”

The effects of Joyce’s resignation have been felt as far away as Washington, where Defence Secretary Bob Ainsworth hosted a dinner last night in honour of the 1000th newspaper headline celebrating a remarkably low number of troop deaths for an armed military invasion.

“It was clear that Bob was still coming to terms with the loss,” said a fellow diner. “He didn’t know any of the foreign diplomats’ children’s names and there were clearly some flecks of fluff on the lapels of his dinner jacket.”

Following the shock resignation, Joyce was said by friends to be coping well and has spent the last few days helping with planning for a church fete in Perth.