Heathrow plans new 3rd runway on the River Thames

Planning agreement has been reached for a new third runway for Heathrow airport and, in a surprise compromise with campaigners to protect the nearby village of Sipson, the new runway will be laid out in the waters of the River Thames.

"Following recent trials with an Airbus A320 in New York’s Hudson River, we are pleased to announce the location of Heathrow’s third runway will extend westwards from the Isle of Dogs," explained BAA spokesman Gregory Billingsworth. "The planes will be able to drift to the new arrival gates at either Greenwich or London Bridge, depending on the tide."

However the plan has already met with protests from celebrities who have new movies to promote.

"I am trying to buy a piece of the river under Tower Bridge to try to save the historic water from having a large plane splash onto it," said a dishevelled Emma Thompson who had just finished walking from Los Angeles to London. "It is madness - the damage that will be done to the pristine, natural environment of London by introducing a third runway and also what will I look like in the tabloids, my hair goes all frizzy when it is wet and yellow lifejackets just aren’t my colour."

BAA said the planned river runway showed the airport’s continued desire to be part of Britain’s world class integrated transport network.

"How much more integrated do you want? There is a regular clipper service running up the river which connects with train services," said Billingsworth. "Sure your luggage may be returned to you soaking wet and covered in silt and any fish in your cases will have to come out of your baggage allowance, but it is a huge improvement upon Terminal 3."