Government plan “Scare the shit out of children” revealed

The government today announced radical plans for the sale of cigarettes in an attempt to further dissuade children from taking up smoking. From next year shops will only be able to employ registered paedophiles to sell cigarettes.

"The packaging on cigarettes will also be changed to simply be a picture of a puppy," explained Gina Billingsworth, the minister for Child Welfare and Protection. "We feel that having the paedophile leering over the box as they are handed to young smokers will deter them from taking up the habit."

The government is now consulting on other methods of deterring young people from taking up the habit, if the fear of being touched in a bad place by an ageing member of the music industry doesn’t work.

"We are considering incorporating breathalysers into cigarette vending machines, and electrifying the handles to shock anyone whose breath does not contain the required amount of Werther’s Originals," said the minister.

Supermarkets have given a mixed reaction to the new plans saying that limp-wristed staff who refuse to process a "heavy" bottle of pop already man their tobacco kiosks.

"We take our health and safety responsibilities very seriously," said a spokesman for Sainsbury’s. "We wouldn’t want anyone straining a wrist when they are purchasing cancer causing death-sticks from us."

The 'Paedo's and Fags' plan was formulated following an extensive consultation process by surfing the Daily Star’s message boards, however it is not the only step being taken.

"We are serious about children’s well-being. We know that even the sight of a box with ‘death’ written on it in large unfriendly letters is enough to turn them all into 40 a day addicts," said Billingsworth. "Therefore the only logical next step to protect their futures is to poke the eyes out of anyone under 16 seen looking at a cigarette. We are doing this for their own good."