Unemployed man decries Minogue's “double standards”

Sitting, perched on the barstool, Reginald Billingsworth does not outwardly give the impression of a man ruined by a public love affair that spans the globe. Calmly sipping his pint of mild, Billingsworth looks but a percentage of his 58 years: his comb-over receives frequent preening, he frequently sweeps the pork scratching crumbs from the cardigan covering over his paunch.

"It really is outrageous you know, it's political correctness gone mad." says Reginald. His eyes are a bit red and bloodshot, but whether it is from emotion or the jet lag of his flight from Australia, he is not saying. What he does say is that the world is not only mad, but no longer a place for young, athletic, red-blooded males.

"It seems everywhere, not just England, not even just Salford, is pandering to women these days," he says with thinly disguised bitterness. "All I did was rush to the assistance of a woman and express my feelings for her and I get deported. Not only that but the feminazi courts say I have to stay a mile away from Kylie. I can't afford a telephoto lens to cover that distance."

Mr Billingsworth, a victim he says of a society that has simply lost touch with the needs of honest working men like himself, is determined his story should be told. It is, he says far more succinctly than can be written, a warning of the sweeping emasculation of our society.

"I had to save up a lot of my disability benefit for that ticket to Sydney. I haven't been able to work for nigh on thirteen year because of a trapped nerve in my elbow." he said. "I heard that Kylie was unhappy, wanted love, and a family and went to her aid."

According to press reports Kylie Minogue is desperately seeking a family and has got back together with one-time partner Olivier Martinez after he drunkenly phoned her up late one night and has agreed to give her the baby she yearns for.

"I did better than that," said Reginald. "I turned up at her home in Sydney in the early ours, drunk too and offered to get her pregnant right there and then. I'd even got a few Victoria Bitters in. It seems it's one law for handsome, sophisticated, Parisian actors and another for hard-working men from Salford."

Reginald is unbowed by his experience and even being barred from Australia is, he says, no barrier to him being able to share true happiness with one of the women of his fevered dreams.

"I read that Dannii Minogue is complaining she isn't getting enough and she's in that there London for the X-Factor soon," he said. "I don't mind springing for the blonde wig."