Soap fans leave hospital following the renewal of actors’ contracts

Thousands of TV viewers were today leaving hospital across the country after news that long running shout-a-thon ‘The Bill’ was to continue for several more years.

"When I heard that one of the main character’s contracts was not being renewed I got my hopes up that The Bill was to be axed," said soap addict Gillian upon leaving hospital in Kirkcaldy. "It turns out that the actual programme will continue, it is so depressing that there won’t be anything uplifting being made to replace it."

Accident and Emergency wards in many of the nation’s hospitals were today releasing patients who had found the news that the terminally lingering soap opera was to continue too much to take.

"We have had several people come in with slashed wrists, one man in particular took the news very badly," said a spokesman for St George’s Hospital in London. "He said he was unable to deal with this and the fact that Helen Worth who plays Gail Platt (née Potter; previously Tilsley) was to continue in Mancunian laugh-a-month hormonal sulkfest Coronation Street.

Many television journalists said that soap fans gorging themselves on a diet of Coronation Street, Eastenders, Emmerdale, The Bill and Neighbours needed some relief from evenings full of depressing shouting, bad acting and glaring through spectacles.

"I think many hope for something entertaining and enjoyable on television, beyond watching the seemingly endless dregs of society and their continual stream of people writhing and screaming in agony and ecstasy, fuelled by alcohol and drugs," said one TV critic. "However it seems that Strictly Come Dancing will continue for at least another year."

In other soap news it has been revealed that Granada has had to hastily re-write several scenes following the tragic loss of one of Coronation Street's favourite and most animated characters, the glasses worn by Deirdre Barlow (née Hunt, formerly Langton, Barlow and Rachid).

"It has been difficult for all of us to lose something that gave so much life to our show, but we are rallying around and hope to find a replacement in the next few weeks." said Gerald Billingsworth for Granada Television. "The real tragedy is that Anne Kirkbride still turns up for work every fucking morning."