Britons feel the heat down under

As thousands of Britons feeling "under the weather" grip the pan for dear life, Doctors are warning of severe bouts of high pressure in the middle, followed by extremely blustery conditions down south.

"The norovirus is a particularly virulent stomach bug that can bring on severe bouts of diarrhoea with no notice," said Professor J. Scott Billingsworth. "Oh dear, I’d only just changed into these," he added before blushing bright red.

The high pressure caused by the virus in the middle of Britons can also lead to severe projectile precipitation in the North. Indeed the families of many sufferers believe they are witnessing a scene from ‘The Exorcist’.

Doctors are warning sufferers to stay away from work, or anywhere else with expensive upholstered seating, for at least 48 hours following a bout of ‘accelerated, or reverse digestive transit’.

"The clean up crews need to be given a fighting chance. It’ll take more than a few squirts of Oust to shift that lot," muttered Professor Billingsworth. "Oh Jesus, not again," he added.

The NHS advises those not suffering from the norovirus to avoid contact with anyone suspected to have contracted the illness or to at least dress as they might imagine Hyacinth Bucket would if working as a cleaner at a peep show.

"You can’t be too careful, this infection can catch you and anyone in your immediate vicinity completely unawares. It’s unlikely my cat will ever look at me in the same way again," said the Professor before making a sound like a rip in a wet bouncy castle.

Following an uncomfortable cabinet meeting which was accompanied by sounds of quacking said to be attributed to a flock of ‘low flying ducks’ the Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, called a meeting of the Cobra response committee to order an emergency shipment of trousers and underpants to the most effected areas. Sources at the meeting said they had never before seen the Premier move so quickly.

Speaking on television using a special waterproof camera whilst sitting in the bath, the Prime Minister moved, repeatedly, and attempted to re-assure the nation.

"Rest assured, unlike during the summer, I am taking a personal lead in Operation Brown Flood," he said. "For the last three days I have been pissing rusty water out of my arse."